TN Mama Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 We've been in our house for less than a week. The day we moved in our kids were off within 30 minutes of arriving at the house, playing with the kids across the street. They've played with these children every day since. One of the girls (age 11) is not the nicest, refers to my youngest as "little girl" when introducing her to someone. Today she told my oldest that she wasn't allowed to be on her driveway. Not even the sidewalk that crosses her driveway. Dd was riding a scooter and went on the driveway to avoid a car coming down the street. When the girl told my dd to get off the driveway, dd said, "make me." Ugh. Well the girl just smacked dd in the face. :confused: The girls came home, along with another neighborhood kid and told me what happened. I went to talk to the mom, who apologized. I talked to the kids and told them to stay away from the driveway and for the time being to steer clear of the little girl. Later I was outside meeting my next door neighbor and the mom came outside with her daughter and watched her daughter ride her bike up & down the sidewalk. Then they went for a walk. Daughter didn't come over to apologize or anything. We just got here. We've never experienced anything like this before. What in the world do I do? I don't want neighborhood drama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracieT Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I have mean little neighbor kids, but my kids are 4 and 5 and play only in our own yard, so that helps! The little boy we've had issues with has gotten a lot better over the past year because he knows how he's allowed to behave here. At first he called my son "little black boy" because he couldn't remember his name. I put a stop to that fairly quickly. But it's hard. He's 6 and knows the word "sex," talks about very violent video games, all sorts of stuff. (he has teenage brothers) It's been VERY difficult and I don't know how to handle it, either! I guess you can't just keep them away from your kids. My kids want to play with this kid...I've just made sure it's on my terms with my supervision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I would look for new friends. I would monitor your girls when outside. I would tell them that sidewalks are for everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Steer clear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I would sit down with my kids and have a brief talk about why we avoid people who behave this way. This is not a friend, and she will likely never be a friend. A child who behaves this way does not get second chances. That may be harsh, but it's my job to protect my kids, and that's the choice I would make as a parent. I would also not make any effort to be friendly to the mom. I would not "ignore" them but neither would my kids be outside playing with this girl, and she would not be playing at my house. All of the other neighbors/children will know what this girl is like and will understand. My ds recently met a sweet neighbor boy, and they've played together almost every day for two months. There is a third boy who is inappropriate. Ds knows to leave if the third boy comes over when he's at the neighbor's house. The third boy's grandma has complained to dh that all of the neighbors are horrible and don't allow their children to play with anyone. We know it's not "anyone," it's just her grandson no one wants their kids playing with. Your neighbor is 11. She is more than old enough to understand the consequences of her actions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laundrycrisis Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) I would accompany my kids ten times a day crossing the sidewalk in front of their house to make a point. If their DD makes an appearance, tell her the sidewalk is open to the public and she is not to bother my children again. If the parents have an issue, point out that their child 11 yo HITS and they need to reign her in. It is better to deal with these issues up front at the beginning. I would not want my kids to be afraid to use the sidewalk across the street. If there is another hitting incident I would tell the parents you are going to involve the police if it happens again. I would also have some harsh words for the girl about her behavior. I would like for her to know that the parents of the new family will NOT accept her bullying. It is not likely you will ever be friendly with this family if they don't even make an 11 yo apologize for assault. There is no point in making nice about this. It would be best to make your position clear from the beginning. Sorry if this seems harsh but we have been through neighbor problems because we let things go at the beginning to "not cause trouble with the new neighbors". We tried to just go with the flow and things got worse and worse to the point that our kids could not play outside. We learned our lesson. I dealt with it. Now we are the house the other kid's parents tell him to stay away from, because the parents don't want to hear from me anymore. Perhaps she will see your kids' determined use of the sidewalk and realize she has no power to intimidate your family and that is already the end of it. But if she is not done yet, grab that bull by the horns. Edited June 21, 2011 by laundrycrisis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I went to talk to the mom, who apologized. I talked to the kids and told them to stay away from the driveway and for the time being to steer clear of the little girl. Later I was outside meeting my next door neighbor and the mom came outside with her daughter and watched her daughter ride her bike up & down the sidewalk. Then they went for a walk. Daughter didn't come over to apologize or anything. Other than the whole mess that originated, what's wrong? The parent apologized, and then subsequently supervised the child in question. In this day and age, even that's a lot, unfortunately. It would have been nice for the child to also apologize, but maybe the child has been told to keep her mouth shut? You just got there. You can use this as a learning opportunity for social skills. Just like at a new job, one doesn't jump in and become overly friendly. The same thing applies here. Your kids need to proceed cautiously to find out who's who before deciding with whom to align or trust. I hope it goes well from this point forward. :grouphug: P.S. Agree with everything Kristine wrote too.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracieT Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 It was one incident. Yeah, a bad one, but one. I wouldn't say never talk to the kid again. She's a child.....I can't understand why a second chance isn't in order. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I would look for new friends. I would monitor your girls when outside. I would tell them that sidewalks are for everyone. This is probably what I would end up doing--I mean you've spoken to the parent.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mama Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I appreciate the responses. Since we've never dealt with this before, I can only go by what *I* would do if we were on the opposite end of the problem. And I certainly would have had my daughter apologize. Perhaps that will come today, but I won't count on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Other than the whole mess that originated, what's wrong? The parent apologized, and then subsequently supervised the child in question. In this day and age, even that's a lot, unfortunately. It would have been nice for the child to also apologize, but maybe the child has been told to keep her mouth shut? You just got there. You can use this as a learning opportunity for social skills. Just like at a new job, one doesn't jump in and become overly friendly. The same thing applies here. Your kids need to proceed cautiously to find out who's who before deciding with whom to align or trust. I hope it goes well from this point forward. :grouphug: P.S. Agree with everything Kristine wrote too.. :iagree: I appreciate the responses. Since we've never dealt with this before, I can only go by what *I* would do if we were on the opposite end of the problem. And I certainly would have had my daughter apologize. Perhaps that will come today, but I won't count on it. Hey, I'm with you on that. Sadly, I wouldn't hold my breath in expectation that other moms would too.:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I think mom probably considers the matter closed, since she apologized. I'm not sure if I would say, "never play with her,", but I would supervise things very closely. I do make very clear, to my dd's, that they don't have to put up with mean words, bossiness, etc.... They are free to say they do not want to play with them. And I expect my girls to stick up for each other. I also like the idea of escorting them on the sidewalk and/or watching surreptitiously while they do it and being available to intervene. Honestly, we stay very busy AWAY from home because of similar (not quite as bad) issues. Even if it means driving to the park 2 minutes away or going out at 7:30 P.M. to play tennis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I'm going to disagree with most of the previous posters. It sounds like the 11yo neighbor got "dethroned" and reacted badly. Cool new kids move in across the street and she's no longer the queen of her little pond (sorry, I'm mixing metaphors this morning). She got jealous and when your DD wouldn't acknowledge her as queen of the world, she acted badly. Pretty normal pre-teen behavior in my experience. Her mom apologized, is supervising, and I would suspect that the long walks with her DD are driven at getting a (slightly) spoiled little girl to realize that she needs to shape up if she is going to have any friends..... I would tell my kids to stay away from the 11yo until she decides to play nice, but I would not make a big deal of it or forbid them to play with her if the 11yo decides to straighten up her act. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeidiKC Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Other than the whole mess that originated, what's wrong? The parent apologized, and then subsequently supervised the child in question. In this day and age, even that's a lot, unfortunately. It would have been nice for the child to also apologize, but maybe the child has been told to keep her mouth shut? You just got there. You can use this as a learning opportunity for social skills. Just like at a new job, one doesn't jump in and become overly friendly. The same thing applies here. Your kids need to proceed cautiously to find out who's who before deciding with whom to align or trust. I hope it goes well from this point forward. :grouphug: P.S. Agree with everything Kristine wrote too.. :iagree: I think I'd give the mom at least another chance. It would have been better if she'd told her daughter to apologize, but I think she was out there supervising and told her ds not to bother your kids again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I'm going to disagree with most of the previous posters. It sounds like the 11yo neighbor got "dethroned" and reacted badly. Cool new kids move in across the street and she's no longer the queen of her little pond (sorry, I'm mixing metaphors this morning). :iagree: This was my first thought too, maybe because I have 2 dds who have encountered queen bees. This other neighborhood kid that came home with your dd, is this a girl the same age as the mean girl? Is it possible that 'possible queen bee' is upset that her follower has found someone she likes better to hang out with, namely your dd? (obviously to OP) Is there a sidewalk on both sides of the street? If so, I would advise my children to stay on our side only. If the only sidewalk is on her side, I would have my children use that sidewalk while I sat outside to make my presence known. Also, if that is the only sidewalk, do you have a homeowners association? I would address them on the public use of the area. This little girl might really see her driveway as private property, but that would mean anyone using sidewalks would have to go out into the street to skirt around the owner's driveway. Surely that can't be expected. And then I would tell the girl myself that the end of her driveway is public property and the law protects it as such. She's likely used to intimidating kids, but she may not be as confident when it's an adult confronting her. Honestly, regardless of this child's circumstances, I would not encourage my children to form a relationship with a child who hits as a reaction to something she doesn't like. The few girls we've known who have this type of attitude, though only one got physical, really had no interest in changing. They really did not understand that their way of behaving was inappropriate in any manner. And my whole family ended up on the receiving end of the meanness. One of those little 'queen bees' was the daughter of a QUEEN BEE who I found out later had her finger in everyone's bowl. It took a few words from her and we became the unpopular family. I never understood why we wre suddenly ostracized until I moved out 7 years later and a neighbor told me what happened. When I asked her why she never said anything before, she told she didn't want to be ostracized too. It was high school all over again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 My kids complain that we live in a neighborhood with no kids their age. I'm starting to think I'm ok with it. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirtroad Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Steer clear. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I would do what laundry crisis suggested to establish that your children will not be bullied. If the child apologizes to your dd, I would give her another, very well supervised, chance. if she wants to play, your daughter should let her know she can have one more chance if she apologizes and shapes up. I just can't picture a normal 11 yo slapping another child in the face for so little provocation. I would keep a very close eye on the situation. If there is any other incident, I would let the parents know you plan to press charges for any further physical assault. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillary in KS Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I would absolutely steer clear. I would also remind my dd to be careful- when you tell someone "Make me" some people will!:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeganW Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 We had to deal with a bully situation in 3 year old preschool, believe it or not. My kids know that they are EXPECTED to stick together when someone is mean to a sibling - family is way more important than any other kid. Having them as a pack means that the bully is then dealing with a whole group saying "we aren't playing with you until you can be nice" rather than just one kid. What is interesting is that as soon as ONE kid stands up, and the siblings stand up to the bully, all the other kids will instantly go with the victims. They have all been victims in the past too, and see this as their chance! We saw it over and over. The kid that was bullying my kids had some rough issues at home, and I didn't want them to permanently write him off because of that. So it repeated daily. He would do something to one of them, all my kids would say "we aren't playing with you today b/c you aren't being nice", and then the whole class would ostracise this kid. In the beginning it happened every day. By the end of the year, it only happened maybe once every other week. (He was three years old - so it took a lot of repetition for him to get the point that the outcome would be the same every time!) Encourage your kids to become a pack/team that sticks together. When someone attacks one, they should ALL feel offended. Course, my kids are a lot younger, and that probably makes a difference, so maybe this advice is worthless! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 I just can't picture a normal 11 yo slapping another child in the face for so little provocation. I would have thought the same thing until it happened to my dd. She had a friend who she spent quite a bit of time with and then suddenly she didn't want to spend any more time with her. So I asked my dd why not and she said it was because her friend would just slap her in the face when she didn't agree with her. I seriously doubted my dd and said something to the effect of, "No way!" Her older sister then informed me that it was true. I was floored. The girl and family seemed perfectly normal in everyway but obviously NOT. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 It was one incident. Yeah, a bad one, but one. I wouldn't say never talk to the kid again. She's a child.....I can't understand why a second chance isn't in order. Really? So if one of your friends hit you, you would give them a second chance? A child of the age of eleven is old enough to understand that you don't hit people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Really? So if one of your friends hit you, you would give them a second chance? A child of the age of eleven is old enough to understand that you don't hit people. That's a good question and a tough call for me, because 11 and girl suggests hormones to me. So while she may understand that slapping someone isn't OK, she may not have herself completely under control at that moment. OR she could be an absolute jerk. I would give it time to cool off, observe carefully, and hope that my dd didn't insist on trying to be friends. <---- I say this as a child who went and got kicked in the head 2x by a neighbor boy* before deciding he wasn't worth it. (My mother discussed it with me in between kick 1 and kick 2 no less! :001_huh: ) And this child wasn't from a "lousy" family. His father played for the Philadelphia Orchestra... *I think we were younger than 11 for sure, but then again, I give a little play for both genders around that age, because we all don't go through the hormonal changes smoothly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracieT Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Really? So if one of your friends hit you, you would give them a second chance? A child of the age of eleven is old enough to understand that you don't hit people. Of course! Not as an adult, but as a child, yes. Yes, she is old enough to know better, but nobody knows her situation...not even the OP. Maybe she has some sort of issue. Maybe she is abused. I guess they could blow her off and if she's being abused nobody will ever know. Or they could befriend the family and find out what the situation is. People going around blowing people off and never giving second chances doesn't make the world a very nice place. I said earlier to let them play supervised, not send the kids over blindly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 We live in a neighborhood with few kids. There is one boy my boys' age who lives way down the street. He never tries to play with my kids. At first I commented to DH that I found it odd but DH quickly said, "Really? Do you WANT your kids playing with him?" We don't. The parents are party-ers. Big time actually. The kids aren't falling far from the tree. They think we are homeschool freaks. They aren't rude or anything, they just don't seek out our friendship anymore. We are friends with our immediate neighbors.....retired folks. We are friends with a family down the street with a teen who watches our dogs when we go out of town. Great family. We pick and choose our friends carefully. The little girl in question may turn around......she may not. I have tried to teach my children to cordially smile and be polite but I have told them we don't' have to be friends with everyone. Dawn My kids complain that we live in a neighborhood with no kids their age. I'm starting to think I'm ok with it. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Maybe she has Asperger's or maybe she has some other issues. I am thankful people have given my oldest 2nd chances. He truly doesn't get when he is being too rough. Dawn Really? So if one of your friends hit you, you would give them a second chance? A child of the age of eleven is old enough to understand that you don't hit people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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