S/O wills: if you change your guardianship plan, do you notify the person now?

[RanchGirl]

We originally named my husband's brother and his first wife in our will as guardians for our children. He has now divorced, remarried, and has kids. And although they live 45 minutes away, they have no interest in our children, and they have different parenting styles.

 

Dh and I have decided to ask my brother and his wife to be guardians now.

 

BIL was originally asked to be guardian with his 1st wife (fortunately we named him and wife, not both of them by name, which was ur lawyer's suggestion). SIL knew it when they got married although she was never directly asked. They dont appear to be too worried/interested in this responsibility, but i also know that bil will get emotional about it if we formally tell them. So do we need to let them know now? Or just via letter in our will to hopefully escape the drama?

[Mejane]

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Edited June 7, 2011 by Mejane

[Nakia]

We are changing ours very soon. We originally asked my mother and step-father, but we are changing it to one of my brothers and his wife. I have decided that my brother can have the privilege of telling my mom, should the need arise. :D

[JVA]

Notifying him is probably the right thing to do. That said, we changed our guardianship choice from one of dh's sisters to another and didn't tell the former. I prefer to be dead when she finds out. :D

 

 

We did the same and I prefer the same. :001_smile:

First choice would be a horrible family situation for our youngest - 14ds. Our oldest dd can manage him through high school and college, if necessary.

[Tiberia]

I would notify them now, just so they know and so this isn't hanging over your head in the future.

 

Either write them or sit down with them and phrase it as a "thank you."

Eg. "Thanks for being willing to take on this responsibility in the past; we appreciate your willingness to..." and so on and so forth. Then explain that your family needs have changed and you have changed your will to release them from that responsibility.

 

Try to avoid getting into a comparison of them and your brother's family. Keep it simple and focused on you: "Our needs have changed."

 

Hope this helps.

 

Joann

[Rhonda in TX]

When we changed ours, we told the original person right away. It was really a question of who was the best fit for our kids, and that changed over time. The original guardian choice completely understood, and we did ask them to be the trustee, so it showed we still had faith in them.

 

I think you need to tell them right away.

[Beth S]

My db and sil had asked us to be the guardians for their 2 children, and then a decade or more later, her sister got married and was in an excellent position to take over the guardianship.

 

By then, we had 5 kids, so it really was helpful to know that we were no longer directly responsible for their two.

 

My VERY dear sil wrote a nice note, mentioning the 2004 movie "Raising Helen". Her sister had become "Helen" (young single played by Kate Hudson), and I would always be needed as the "Jenny" (experienced mom played by Joan Cusack).

 

It still makes me tear up at their wise decision, but more so, to remind us that we are still a very important part of their lives.

[Beth S]

Also, the way we set up our will is that two of our brothers will meet and decide who is best suited to be the kids' guardians.

 

It's great to realize that our oldest dd is now ALMOST in the position to take temporary care of the rest of them (with lots of help).

[Punchie]

We did not. Doing so would have caused a huge family rift and would have put my sister square in the middle of it. I did not want to do that to her. Initially, we chose my mom b/c she stays at home (works at home technically), but after her behavior towards my children, we changed it to MIL/FIL. They would provide a much better home life for our children. If they can't do it, then my best friend will get the kids. My mom does not know any of this. Everyone else does. I would love for my sister to get the kids, but she's not a financially viable adult yet.

[Liz CA]

Honestly...if you know you can expect emotional drama - I would not tell him. The chances of this coming to fruition are very small! He may never have to know and you probably don't need the drama. If he showed a lot of interest in the kids and was very involved and mature enough to handle it - I would tell him - BUT if that was the case you would probably not be changing the guardianship in the first place.

[snickelfritz]

Notifying him is probably the right thing to do. That said, we changed our guardianship choice from one of dh's sisters to another and didn't tell the former. I prefer to be dead when she finds out.

 

Us too. :blushing:

 

Honestly, we had it drawn up, just in case. But we figured the likelihood of us actually both dying at the same time is very small. So, why make trouble with the person we switched from?

[RanchGirl]

this is a long overdue thank you to everyone for sharing your thoughts and opinions. We are making the change and my brother and his wife have agreed to take on the responsibility, in fact they were honored and said a few things that indicated they had thought through the boys' needs and what it would be like to have them live with them. Just reconfirmed to me that we were making the right choice.

 

Honestly...if you know you can expect emotional drama - I would not tell him. The chances of this coming to fruition are very small! He may never have to know and you probably don't need the drama. If he showed a lot of interest in the kids and was very involved and mature enough to handle it - I would tell him - BUT if that was the case you would probably not be changing the guardianship in the first place.

 

I think Liz's comments are where we are leaning... low risk if we don't tell, and definite high drama if we do... and you are dead on right that this is part of the reason to make the change in the first place. If only my husband's brother was as mature and self-confident and reasonable as Beth S!!! :)

 

Thanks again ladies for helping me think it through.

[Impish]

The only ppl I'd talk to about it would be the new guardians.

 

Why stir up drama over a slim 'what might be'?

[Orthodox6]

`

Edited September 9, 2011 by Orthodox6
Never mind. I mistakenly thought ? was to inform the new guardian.

[Ellesmere]

When we changed ours, we told the original person right away. It was really a question of who was the best fit for our kids, and that changed over time. The original guardian choice completely understood, and we did ask them to be the trustee, so it showed we still had faith in them.

 

I think you need to tell them right away.

Sincere, not sarcastic question ... why tell right away? Could the original person contest or make problems if not notified?

 

I'm asking because we have a somewhat similar situation but never thought about formally telling the original people. We weren't going to keep them as a trustee, though.

[Harriet Vane]

I would not tell them now.

 

Leave them a kind letter attached to your will thanking them for their willingness and saying that as time passed and the kids grew, your brother seemed to fit their needs.

 

Don't go into great detail or say anything negative--there is no need to leave those hurts behind as the last thing you say to someone.

 

Edited to add: I guess when we switched guardians we DID tell of the switch. However, the situation was totally different. We had originally asked dh's parents to be the guardians in the event of our deaths. When ds was born we switched to dh's sister. We still had the utmost love and respect for dh's parents, but had just realized over time that a younger guardian made more sense. We did tell dh's parents, and they were in hearty approval and totally supportive. The key here is that we knew there would be no drama, so it was okay to have it as an open topic. In your case, though, I stand by what I wrote above.

Edited September 9, 2011 by strider

[FaithManor]

We had to change ours and we needed to inform the parties involved. In this case, it was my sister and her soon to be ex-husband.

 

Sis is getting divorced because her husband went off his meds and stopped therapy - both of these were controlling his PTSD. When under control, he's a great guy and loves our boys. When not, he's dangerous.

 

The divorce has devestated her financially and it has taken an emotional toll as well. She's going back to school for her M.A., having to move into a tiny apartment, declare bankruptcy, deal with step-daughters whom she loves dearly and who want to spend time with her, but because of their father, she can't and this is all a LOT of drama.

 

So, we've switched to DD now that she is 20 going on 21. There is plenty of money in the trust-fund to pay for private school, household help, etc. so that dd can finish raising her brothers and the four sibs are very, very close. My brother and my parents are close by to watch over things. We didn't want my sister to be blind-sided by this revelation should something happen to us and we were making the change right before making a trip to a less than stable part of the world, therefore, we felt we should just be upfront about it.

 

I think each situation is unique and as a result, there isn't any right answer. It all just depends.

 

Faith

[higginszoo]

Good question. Dh's gut feeling when we faced this was yes, but I need to ask if he actually followed through.

 

We had dc before our siblings were even married. At the time, we picked dh's oldest sister as guardian ... his younger sister is wrapped up in herself, my brother was an active duty Marine, and my younger brother was a college student.

 

When the sister who was guardian got married, she and her dh were still the best choice, as we're really on the same page as far as parenting. But at the moment, they got stuck in a condo in downtown Chicago that isn't even big enough for them and their 2 dds. They don't really have any plans to leave urban life, and it would be a difficult lifestyle to maintain with 6 children. His family is nearby, but hers is spread out, hours away.

 

Meanwhile, my Marine brother has also gotten married to someone who we also see eye to eye with, and is on inactive reserve. They live in a suburban setting in TN, have access to a good variety of public and Christian school options, as well as toying with the idea of homeschool as a possibility for their dd. (They made a magnetic chalkboard wall in their front entry -- if that doesn't say 'homeschool decor' I don't know what does!) It would be a lot easier for them to absorb our dc. My parents are just over an hour away and work partly out of an office that is 15 minutes from my brother's house. So for now and the forseeable future, they seem to be the better choice.

 

I don't think that my s-i-l will be offended, but at the same time, dh felt that he wanted to talk to her and explain before we actually wrote the new wills.

 

As named guardian for two families (my niece who we'd send our kids to be with and a dear friend who is a single mom), I don't think I'd be offended if they found that another situation fit better, but I guess that it would alleviate confusion should something terrible happen, if the change had been discussed ahead of time.

[mycalling]

I'd consider how this will effect your children's transition to a new home and life with whomever you chose if you hadn't previously notified uncle. The last thing your children will need during all that is a huge family drama, bitterness from uncle, etc because you didn't want to deal with this beforehand.

I would notify them now, just so they know and so this isn't hanging over your head in the future.

:iagree:

[Little Nyssa]

I am really in the minority here, but I would not ask or tell anyone about what is in our will re: guardianship, unless DH and I were in very poor health. Why should the potential guardians have that hanging over their heads when most likely it will never be an issue. I am sure that if something tragic happened, the people we named would certainly step up and nobody would mind.

[GingerPoppy]

Wow, this hits rather close to home. A few years ago, my sister made a point of calling me one day and saying she'd like me to be the one to take her 4 boys if anything happened to her (she's technically single). She knew I had always spent time with them and taken an interest in them and cared about them. Then a few months ago, I find out from my parents that she's officially switched the life insurance, so now the money (and with it, the responsibility to raise the boys) would go to her ex and his new partner (with their 3 kids). I know the reasons have to do with her increasing difficulties with mental issues (paranoia, anxiety, OCD) as well as her rigid belief system (religion) which is getting stranger and more rigid all the time, and I don't "measure up" as far as how I express my beliefs.

 

Problem is, the ex is about the lowest, controlling scum I've ever met. I don't say that lightly. She suffered years of him controlling her every move as well as abusing her (mostly emotionally/mentally, but also some physical). He still controls her to this day. He's been a pretty pathetic father to the boys, as well.

 

Needless to say, the boys would be much better off with me.

 

My sister has some big issues with his new partner, and will not even say her name aloud. If anyone so much as mentions her, she goes off the deep end. I guess it hurts that she changed the guardianship to include a woman she hates, instead of me. And then, to top it off, she never even told me she had changed it. Among many other things, that has hurt our relationship deeply this year.

 

Personally, I think it's only fair to tell someone if your desires have changed.

Edited September 9, 2011 by GingerPoppy

[Ellesmere]

Needless to say, the boys would be much better off with me.

 

My sister has some big issues with his new partner, and will not even say her name aloud. If anyone so much as mentions her, she goes off the deep end. I guess it hurts that she changed the guardianship to include a woman she hates, instead of me. And then, to top it off, she never even told me she had changed it. Among many other things, that has hurt our relationship deeply this year.

 

Personally, I think it's only fair to tell someone if your desires have changed.

:grouphug:

Sounds like they would be better off with you. In your case, I can see why it was fair to notify about the switch. It would have been nice if there had been openness to advice about it, considering your relationship.

 

I still wonder about notifying. We are not in poor health. (I do realize anything could happen.) In our case, the former ones are the ones who have become rigid in their beliefs and I don't think they would want our children for fear they would be a worldly influence. There's not much of a friendship anymore.

 

So I still am open to hearing if there's a huge reason, legal or otherwise, to inform about changing guardians. Our friendship is pretty much faded on good, but distant, terms and I didn't think there was an expectation on their side that they would remain. (They would never want their kids to go to us anymore due to religious issues.) At any rate it seems, unless I missed something, that it just varies on the situation. I'm glad the OP found a good choice. :)

 

We didn't mention it since we didn't want to bring up negative things in an already cooled relationship.

[KungFuPanda]

Eek, I wouldn't. First off, they might NEVER have to know so why create drama. Also, if something were to happen to the new set of guardians and you wished to reinstate the original set, you'd have to overcome that bad history. I wouldn't tell them and hope they never needed to find out for a variety of reasons.

[GingerPoppy]

Thanks for the :grouphug: :001_smile:

 

You're right; I think it very much depends on the situation and the relationship. You are probably right about notifying in your case. Best wishes!

:grouphug:

Sounds like they would be better off with you. In your case, I can see why it was fair to notify about the switch. It would have been nice if there had been openness to advice about it, considering your relationship.

 

I still wonder about notifying. We are not in poor health. (I do realize anything could happen.) In our case, the former ones are the ones who have become rigid in their beliefs and I don't think they would want our children for fear they would be a worldly influence. There's not much of a friendship anymore.

 

So I still am open to hearing if there's a huge reason, legal or otherwise, to inform about changing guardians. Our friendship is pretty much faded on good, but distant, terms and I didn't think there was an expectation on their side that they would remain. (They would never want their kids to go to us anymore due to religious issues.) At any rate it seems, unless I missed something, that it just varies on the situation. I'm glad the OP found a good choice. :)

 

We didn't mention it since we didn't want to bring up negative things in an already cooled relationship.

[kalanamak]

We are changing ours very soon. We originally asked my mother and step-father, but we are changing it to one of my brothers and his wife. I have decided that my brother can have the privilege of telling my mom, should the need arise. :D

 

Since it is very unlikely your children would ever go to a guardian, I would keep mum. Perhaps if you died, and your husband fell ill, but otherwise why stir up bad blood.

[gardenmom5]

I would probably mention in passing that you have updated your will. You might get a question that could lead into the change. It could be sensitive as your new sil might take it personally as a rejection of her. I wouldn't bother telling them whom you have selected as guardians. The likelyhood of needing it is slim, as it's very uncommon for both parents to die within a very short span of time. Does your executor know you have changed the guardianship plans? (and is your executor a family member or your lawyer?)

 

If something were to happen to one of you, I would definitely tell as you want the adults to be prepared mentally and emotionally long before they're needed.

 

Incidently, our trust lists guardian 1) and 2) so there is a choice depending upon whom is best able to meet the dudeling's needs. However, since it's both of my adult daughters, I expect they'll be civil in taking into account who's in the best place to care for him.

Edited September 10, 2011 by gardenmom5

[MamaT]

I think whether you notify or not depends on your relationship. It sounds like it would cause trouble if you told, so I wouldn't. Like previous posters have said, it will probably never happen anyway.

 

We changed our guardianship wishes to our oldest son and his wife. It had previously been my sister and bil. We have a great relationship, so I told her. She completely understood and I know that if something happens to my dh and me, she would still help with my younger children when she was needed.

[VA6336]

In our former state, the place in our wills where we specified guardians for our children was, in the words of the lawyer, just a suggestion. Our wills would go to a judge who would actually make the decision. As long as there were no objections from family members and the couple we chose accepted it, the judge would most likely rule for the terms we set in our will.

 

We chose non-related dear friends to raise our children and therefore felt it necessary to inform our family now so we had time to deal with potential objections, for our childrens' sake later. There were a few very uncomfortable conversations, but it's water under the bridge now.

 

I'm sorry, OP, that the original guardian is likely to make this into a great big deal. Sounds like it might be best to not say anything, unless your state is like our former and he might have input with a judge. If many of your other family members back him up, your kids might not go where you want them to.