Trying Not To Be Upset

[Impish]

I'm trying to convince myself I'm being irrational.

 

Its not working.

 

Wolf's uncle was supposed to call by 3, so Wolf could go get him and his wife, bring them over.

 

We heard nothing until after 5. We'd given up, figuring that they'd crashed after all the stress.

 

Next thing I know, Wolf's agreeing to bring supper to them. Oh, and btw, they're now joined by their dd, her dh, and 2 kids. Supper for all.

 

Uh oh. Didn't plan on that at all. No notice. So, pack up everything we can, barely enough for us for supper, but whatever.

 

Then the uncle calls again. Gives Wolf a list of things to pick up on his way over.

 

Here's where I start getting a bit ticked.

 

In 8 yrs of marriage, they have NEVER been to our home. Ever. For all the plans they make, something always comes up that either they cancel, or Wolf ends up going on his own. The uncle doesn't even like to talk to me on the phone.

 

They've been in town before, called and asked us to help with their motel bill. At the time, we were barely keeping food on the table, so we couldn't do a thing.

 

Then we don't hear from them for months on end. Until the next time they want/need something. Its *never* "Hey, we're in town, can we get together for coffee?" No. Its always wanting something.

 

Its not that I don't want to help. I truly do. Its this feeling of being used thats cropped up, yet again. I wasn't surprised that we didn't hear from them after learning they'd be put up in a hotel.

 

I'm being hyper sensitive, right? Irrational? Just figure that its the stress of everything and let it go, right?

 

Eight years, and I've met the uncle once.

 

*sigh*

[jenL]

:grouphug: Families are so hard, aren't they? With that track record, I'd probably be thinking the same way. Fwiw, if this was my family member who has exhibited all these behaviors over the years, I would help to the extent that I could without jeopardizing the financial well-being of my family.

 

Praying it gets easier during this stressful time.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

:grouphug: I have family like that--that never call or get in touch with you unless they NEED something....I think somewhere along the way every family has someone like that....:tongue_smilie:

[Desert Rat]

Ugh, Imp. You've had a plateful lately. FWIW, I would be just as upset. I would stop and get fast food chicken or something for them. Then again, I let my in-laws misuse me time and again and still take it because I couldn't bear the one time I didn't help it came back to bite me.

I think maybe you should look at it as a good thing you don't have to see this man. Think to yourself, "Whew! That was a narrow escape! Now I can enjoy my family and not have to worry about him (and family)."

Hang in there. I hope it gets better.

[Rosie_0801]

I'll pull out my finger in emergencies, even for relatives I wouldn't ordinarily buy a coffee for. That doesn't mean I wouldn't grind my teeth over it. ;)

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Impish]

Rosie, I have no idea what 'pull out my finger' means :lol: Closest expression I've heard is 'pull my finger' which canNOT mean the same thing at all!

 

I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm cranky. No doubt that's a part of it too.

 

And, I admit...I'm hurt. The kids have been looking forward to the visit, b/c they know he's never been here. I feel like I'm good enough to do for them, but not even rate good enough to come to my home.

 

Sleep will help, no doubt.

[newlifemom]

I'll pull out my finger in emergencies, even for relatives I wouldn't ordinarily buy a coffee for. That doesn't mean I wouldn't grind my teeth over it. ;)

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

Is this a special phrase in Australia? :confused:

 

 

Imp, I agree with Rosie, well what I can understand of Rosie. :D

 

 

 

:grouphug:

[tex-mex]

:grouphug: I have family like that--that never call or get in touch with you unless they NEED something....I think somewhere along the way every family has someone like that....:tongue_smilie:

:iagree:

[RanchGirl]

I can see why you are upset! I would try to consider it an act of charity for total strangers who will never repay you. Let your dh pick up takeout food and the other things they asked for -- don't send over your family's homecooked dinner. Consider it your good deed for the day. And then shake the dust off, knowing that you (and your husband) were the bigger person.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Moo? :grouphug: Imp, you're not being an "irrational cow". (She had the cow part in a PM to me;))

 

But you do need to remember that stressful situations do not usually improve family dynamics. There may be cultural reasons why they are behaving this way. I know in our big extended Filipino family, time means nothing, commitments to come to one certain place means nothing, the time you spend getting ready for people means nothing (sigh). That's why I don't extend myself anymore. (I get the frozen lasagna and bagged salad;) - of course there are energy reasons why I do that too . . . ) Having said that, within the Filipino culture, all of those things I mentioned are not seen as rude or hurtful.

The only reason why I don't get hurt anymore is because I've decided that I can't play by "normal" (to my culture) rules for hospitality or even kindness.

[Parrothead]

Imp - when this is over and you have a good night's sleep, talk to Wolf about the situation. He may not see it the way you do. Dh's family was kind of like that about a certain situation. Once I pointed out the hinky behavior dh put his foot down.

 

Rosie - Would you mind clarifying the finger thing, hon?

[Rosie_0801]

Rosie, I have no idea what 'pull out my finger' means :lol: Closest expression I've heard is 'pull my finger' which canNOT mean the same thing at all!

 

I'll bet it doesn't. :glare::lol:

 

I'm a bit cranky so I'm not omitting my Australianisms. Pulling your finger out just means making an effort. I should have said "pull my finger out" rather than "pull out my finger" though.

 

Go and sleep :)

 

Rosie

[KnitWit]

:grouphug: I'd have LONG AGO gone over the edge living with what you've been dealing with.

[MariannNOVA]

:grouphug: I'd have LONG AGO gone over the edge living with what you've been dealing with.

 

 

:iagree:

 

You and the kids worked so hard -- I am so sorry. I was immediately touched by your spirit of ministry and wanting Wolf's uncle to feel comfortable and enjoy the meal you prepared.:grouphug::grouphug:

[Impish]

Moo? Imp, you're not being an "irrational cow". (She had the cow part in a PM to me)

 

But you do need to remember that stressful situations do not usually improve family dynamics. There may be cultural reasons why they are behaving this way. I know in our big extended Filipino family, time means nothing, commitments to come to one certain place means nothing, the time you spend getting ready for people means nothing (sigh). That's why I don't extend myself anymore. (I get the frozen lasagna and bagged salad - of course there are energy reasons why I do that too . . . ) Having said that, within the Filipino culture, all of those things I mentioned are not seen as rude or hurtful.

The only reason why I don't get hurt anymore is because I've decided that I can't play by "normal" (to my culture) rules for hospitality or even kindness.

Wolf agrees that part of it is culture...lack of ability to keep to a schedule is considered normal.

 

Imp - when this is over and you have a good night's sleep, talk to Wolf about the situation. He may not see it the way you do. Dh's family was kind of like that about a certain situation. Once I pointed out the hinky behavior dh put his foot down.

 

Rosie - Would you mind clarifying the finger thing, hon?

The thing is, this is Wolf's birth family. Creates a whole weird dynamic. He becomes like a neglected puppy, eager for approval and attention. He's been burned by siblings stealing from him, using him, and I just don't see it improving any.

I'll bet it doesn't.

 

I'm a bit cranky so I'm not omitting my Australianisms. Pulling your finger out just means making an effort. I should have said "pull my finger out" rather than "pull out my finger" though.

 

Go and sleep

 

Rosie

Ahhh. Thanks for the clarification!

 

You and the kids worked so hard -- I am so sorry. I was immediately touched by your spirit of ministry and wanting Wolf's uncle to feel comfortable and enjoy the meal you prepared.:grouphug::grouphug:

Now I'm teary.

 

Wolf talked to them, and now they're supposed to be coming over tomorrow. *sigh* What the heck am I gonna do for supper? :svengo:Assuming they actually show :glare: Wolf took them clothes, food, and gave them cash to boot. Wanna bet they cancel?

[MariannNOVA]

Wolf agrees that part of it is culture...lack of ability to keep to a schedule is considered normal.

 

 

The thing is, this is Wolf's birth family. Creates a whole weird dynamic. He becomes like a neglected puppy, eager for approval and attention. He's been burned by siblings stealing from him, using him, and I just don't see it improving any.

 

Ahhh. Thanks for the clarification!

 

Now I'm teary.

 

Wolf talked to them, and now they're supposed to be coming over tomorrow. *sigh* What the heck am I gonna do for supper? :svengo:Assuming they actually show :glare: Wolf took them clothes, food, and gave them cash to boot. Wanna bet they cancel?

 

Get a couple of frozen anythings -- baked ziti, lasagne, or get fried chicken or chicken patties. Get mashed potatoes (don't make them from scratch with real potatoes or anything) and serve a salad and have a loaf of nice fresh baked bread (not baked by you :toetap05:) -- and ice cream for dessert. There you go. In my book, you are off the hook for a VERY long time after that.;)

[Impish]

Thinking roast in the crockpot. No shopping needed, and lets me avoid wheat.

 

Course, I've only been awake 20 mins :lol:

[mommaduck]

To be honest, you have to be wise as a serpent and quiet as a dove with these kinds of people. Wolf needs to not take them stuff if you expect them for supper. Instead, invite them for supper and tell them that you have (clothes, food, cash, whatever) for them when they get there and then they can take them back to the hotel with them ;) But make it very inconvenient to take it TO them.

[cat]

The only thing you have control over is you. Don't let it get to you or upset you. Sounds like you have dinner cooking in the crock pot.....and if they don't show when they say they will.......then go ahead and eat..... don't worry about them. I'd probably give them an extra 30 minutes. If they show, serve leftovers, or sandwiches if you have no left overs.

 

I would just let Wolf handle it all. You all might want to agree ahead of time to how much you are both willing to give them.

 

Good Luck!

[MariannNOVA]

Thinking roast in the crockpot. No shopping needed, and lets me avoid wheat.

 

Course, I've only been awake 20 mins :lol:

 

 

PERFECT! My crock pot is packed and out of my mind totally, but yours in an excellent suggestion. Brilliant!:grouphug:

[MelanieM]

These are people that have been evacuated from their home because their entire town burned down? I think perhaps any expectation of them even considering the inconvenience to you and your family, or even basic manners, should be tossed out the window. They're going to have an awful lot on their minds right now just considering what this means for themselves and all their neighbours.

 

Do what you can manage to do, and do it because you want to. Assume this one is all about giving and not likely to be the most smooth or convenient process, and make your offers of help accordingly.

[Impish]

These are people that have been evacuated from their home because their entire town burned down? I think perhaps any expectation of them even considering the inconvenience to you and your family, or even basic manners, should be tossed out the window. They're going to have an awful lot on their minds right now just considering what this means for themselves and all their neighbours.

 

Do what you can manage to do, and do it because you want to. Assume this one is all about giving and not likely to be the most smooth or convenient process, and make your offers of help accordingly.

I hear you. That's what I kept telling myself over and over yesterday.

 

The unfortunate reality is, this is all SOP. Its how it always is. None of the family works, the adult dd has never had a job more than a month, always lived with her parents, etc. Them asking us for money, rides, etc is our sole interaction with them for eight years.

 

I forget about it, b/c we don't have regular contact...until they call asking for something again. That's where its coming from...not the present situation, really, but the years leading up to it.

 

Wolf wants so badly to have a positive relationship with someone from his birth family, now that his grandfather is gone, that I do my best to keep my mouth shut and just let it ride. I came here to vent so that I *didn't* say anything to him.

 

I've always supported his attempts with his birth family as best I can. I juggle our budget to see that he can afford to visit, etc. Reality of it is, we're not rich by a long stretch, although the family seems to think that since he works on a regular basis, we can afford to do for them.

 

Its the same now. Wolf needs to help, so I'm doing what I can to support him in this. Unfortunately, I had to tell him yesterday that the shopping and the cash he gave left us unable to cover his registration on his van until next payday.

 

I worry that when the family finds the money has run out, they'll not contact us again until the next time...and how much that'll hurt my husband.

[CalicoKat]

I admit I'm not familiar with Canada, but around here when there's been a fire and folks loose their home & stuff there's Red Cross or some other organization that gives out vouchers for free hotels and gift cards for purchasing clothing & personal items. Isn't there something there like this that can help bear the burden?

 

I would be having a hard time being nice too. Gimmes are hard to work with in good times, unbearable in the bad times.

:grouphug:

 

Just say no to unreasonable requests. The bank accounts still have money.

[mommaduck]

I hear you. That's what I kept telling myself over and over yesterday.

 

The unfortunate reality is, this is all SOP. Its how it always is. None of the family works, the adult dd has never had a job more than a month, always lived with her parents, etc. Them asking us for money, rides, etc is our sole interaction with them for eight years.

 

I forget about it, b/c we don't have regular contact...until they call asking for something again. That's where its coming from...not the present situation, really, but the years leading up to it.

 

Wolf wants so badly to have a positive relationship with someone from his birth family, now that his grandfather is gone, that I do my best to keep my mouth shut and just let it ride. I came here to vent so that I *didn't* say anything to him.

 

I've always supported his attempts with his birth family as best I can. I juggle our budget to see that he can afford to visit, etc. Reality of it is, we're not rich by a long stretch, although the family seems to think that since he works on a regular basis, we can afford to do for them.

 

Its the same now. Wolf needs to help, so I'm doing what I can to support him in this. Unfortunately, I had to tell him yesterday that the shopping and the cash he gave left us unable to cover his registration on his van until next payday.

 

I worry that when the family finds the money has run out, they'll not contact us again until the next time...and how much that'll hurt my husband.

Ouch. This was a mistake he made when finding his birth family...the giving and trying to "help" or "fix things". It sets one up with expectations that won't be met. I found my father's side. Trust me, I have a brother that would use us to pieces. I made it a rule to offer advice when necessary or asked (he usually wants a pity party and I refuse to give that, because he never follows through on the advice). He's hinted about money, but I've always made it clear that I have my own (large) family and there is no money to spare (especially since his issue is usually from skipping out on child support because he doesn't/can't maintain a job...usually because of his attitude). If I gave in once, he and others would expect it out of me. One of my sisters already deals with this with another sister. Needless to say, no, that brother and I aren't on speaking terms. He's verbally abusive and I won't tolerate it.

[Impish]

I admit I'm not familiar with Canada, but around here when there's been a fire and folks loose their home & stuff there's Red Cross or some other organization that gives out vouchers for free hotels and gift cards for purchasing clothing & personal items. Isn't there something there like this that can help bear the burden?

 

I would be having a hard time being nice too. Gimmes are hard to work with in good times, unbearable in the bad times.

:grouphug:

 

Just say no to unreasonable requests. The bank accounts still have money.

Yes, there is Red Cross helping. I don't know what else they've been hooked up with.

 

The uncle gave his dd all his cash, so Wolf supplied him with some.

 

We can't afford to do that again, so we'll see what happens.

 

MommaDuck, the thing of it is...as weird as it is...it was just assumed, somehow, that Wolf would contribute financially from the get go. I wasn't a part of his life when he first found his birth family, so its something that I've dealt with after.

 

Its tough, b/c as much as they expect his help, he's not really accepted either. He grew up 'away', he's been called an 'apple' by some (red on the outside, white on the in...He was raised by a single white woman), and marrying me didn't help the situation with his birth family at all.

 

Frankly, its a minefield.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I'm sorry you're caught in the middle, but your dh is lucky to have you.

 

Yes, there is Red Cross helping. I don't know what else they've been hooked up with.

 

The uncle gave his dd all his cash, so Wolf supplied him with some.

 

We can't afford to do that again, so we'll see what happens.

 

MommaDuck, the thing of it is...as weird as it is...it was just assumed, somehow, that Wolf would contribute financially from the get go. I wasn't a part of his life when he first found his birth family, so its something that I've dealt with after.

 

Its tough, b/c as much as they expect his help, he's not really accepted either. He grew up 'away', he's been called an 'apple' by some (red on the outside, white on the in...He was raised by a single white woman), and marrying me didn't help the situation with his birth family at all.

 

Frankly, its a minefield.

[mommaduck]

Apple = ouch! THAT hurts! (even my brother was kind enough to call me Grits, even though I moved away from Charleston at age five...GRITS = Girls Raised In The South)

[elise1mds]

:grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this. I hate feeling used. It kills the whole "cheerful heart" aspect of giving when you KNOW that you're only there because you can be useful to them, and the minute they're back to whatever status quo might happen to be, you're out of the picture again. FWIW, I think you're being an awesome, supportive wife, and I hope Wolf doesn't get too hurt if (when) the inevitable occurs.

 

:grouphug:

[Hedgehog]

Good grief. You need a holiday. :grouphug:

[Diane in CO]

Good grief. You need a holiday. :grouphug:

:iagree: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Impish]

Good grief. You need a holiday. :grouphug:

Oh, don't I wish!

[MariannNOVA]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Night Elf]

I'm being hyper sensitive, right? Irrational? Just figure that its the stress of everything and let it go, right?

 

Actually, I agree with your thinking. I don't think it's irrational. However, I do think it's going to be something you're just going to have to accept in the manner of IT IS WHAT IT IS, and participate only as much as you are willing to participate.

 

:grouphug: