SBMama Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Okay, this is not going to be eloquent. I need advice and probably permission. 1. I have a close family member who is an addict (and has been for years.) 2. He doesn't call unless he needs something, whether it be a ride, help with something, or just advice. We often go weeks without communication. 3. This person has stolen from us before. 4. I cannot and do not trust anything he says. 5. Today, I am honestly fed up with him. He tried to get me to help him fill an rx for narcotics, and he took advantage of my time. What I want to do is stop answering his calls and pretty much cut out all contact with him except when we see each other at family events. I don't want my kids to be involved in his mess, and I'm tired of the b.s. I feel guilty about doing this, because before the drugs he was a caring person. With the drugs, he is not this person. I also know that if I am strict about it, it will cause even more upset in our family. What say the hive, is it okay to walk away? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Random Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. It's okay to walk away. Make sure he knows you will be available for help when he is ready to get sober. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. It's okay to walk away. Make sure he knows you will be available for help when he is ready to get sober. I agree. I wouldn't (couldn't) walk away without saying, "I love you, but this addict is not you. I will be here when you are ready to get help." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 My dad is a recovering addict. He's been clean for a few years now, but while he was in the thick of it things were really difficult. Between the lying and the stealing, you couldn't trust him farther than you could throw him and I didn't want him around my kids. There is NOTHING wrong with setting extremely strict boundaries on your interaction with this person right now. If/When he gets clean, then you can loosen things up as you feel comfortable. But right now, the safety and well being of YOUR immediate family needs to be your number one concern. There is a place for grace and compassion, and you can give those things from a distance. Other than that, many many :grouphug: because I've been here and it sucks something major. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twilight Woods Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Okay, this is not going to be eloquent. I need advice and probably permission. 1. I have a close family member who is an addict (and has been for years.) 2. He doesn't call unless he needs something, whether it be a ride, help with something, or just advice. We often go weeks without communication. 3. This person has stolen from us before. 4. I cannot and do not trust anything he says. 5. Today, I am honestly fed up with him. He tried to get me to help him fill an rx for narcotics, and he took advantage of my time. What I want to do is stop answering his calls and pretty much cut out all contact with him except when we see each other at family events. I don't want my kids to be involved in his mess, and I'm tired of the b.s. I feel guilty about doing this, because before the drugs he was a caring person. With the drugs, he is not this person. I also know that if I am strict about it, it will cause even more upset in our family. What say the hive, is it okay to walk away? BTDT..........and I can tell you when you finally stand your ground you will feel so much better. If you want specific feel free to PM me. I have just recently gone through this for the 76475846 time and I finally hit my breaking point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 What say the hive, is it okay to walk away? I would tell him point blank you are not going to associate with the person he has become, and that it is terribly sad, but he has choices and as long as he keeps making the bad ones, he is just not welcome to call. It is hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 I would recommend reading the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I think it will give you the strength to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 BTDT..........and I can tell you when you finally stand your ground you will feel so much better. :iagree: This is so true. The energy it takes to deal with an addict is draining. When you're not dealing with them in person, you're thinking and/or talking about them and making up a plan for what you'll do the *next* time you see them. We made a stand with a close friend years ago. We actually ended up not speaking with him for years. Once all of his family and friends had said "enough", he sought treatment, and has been recovering ever since. He's now married with two kids. He's back to that sweet, caring guy we knew. :grouphug: It is NOT easy, but it needs to be done, for his sake and yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 I would recommend reading the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I think it will give you the strength to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children.:grouphug: :iagree: And perhaps CoDepenent No More by Melodie Beattie. It is ok - and probably advisable - to walk away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 What say the hive, is it okay to walk away? It's OK to walk away. You can love them from afar, really. And wait in hope for the day they get clean. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 it is definitely ok to walk away, and it is the responsible choice. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Hopefully the relationship can be restored in the future, but for now you have to protect yourself and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 My son is an addict. I currently have no contact with him. I have told him that I love him and I worry about him and want the best for him but I can't enable him and endanger my dds. I know that there are others on here going through the same thing. You can walk away and find the support that you need to do it here. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBMama Posted April 21, 2011 Author Share Posted April 21, 2011 Thanks for thinking clearly for me. I really appreciate everyone's advice. I didn't think about telling him why we had to part ways. (I was too mad to want to talk to him again.) It will be hard, but I will have to do it. He actually went through a rehab program a few years back (inpatient, then outpatient.) I don't know if he was ever clean (I really don't believe a word he says), but based on his behavior I'd say he has definitely been using again for a couple of years. We do not give him money, but I know that other relatives do. I honestly don't even like to give him a ride, but I did yesterday because another family member called and basically begged me to. Now I feel that even giving him my time is aiding his addiction, so it's time to step away. Thanks for the support. I am so sorry for those of you who are dealing with this too. It does suck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Not only is it okay to walk away, it's important to walk away. Tough love! I would tell him, "I am sorry, but I cannot have contact with you any longer while you are using. I love you, but I will not help you, I will not enable you, and I will not expose my kids to the things you are doing. If you ever want help getting clean- finding a rehab for example- please contact me. But until you are ready to make serious changes in your life, which I hope for your sake that you do, I have no choice but to cut off contact with you entirely." Then that's it. No visits, no rides (unless it's to a rehab or an NA meeting or something!), no money, no favors etc. And yes, I've been through drug addiction with a close relative, too. :grouphug: ETA: I would ALSO make an attempt to tell the other relatives that they are not helping him by giving him money or items or places to stay or any such thing while he's using, that he pretty much HAS to hit rock bottom before he'll decide "I better get help." And if he doesn't get that help, he may end up killing himself. Literally. And they are helping him do it, if they are giving him money that he is darn well using for drugs or to replace money already spent on drugs. You could probably find some helpful brochures and printouts on that fact and just give it to them if that's easier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth in OH Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 In addition to "seconding" Joanne's recommendation of Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie, I would highly recommend finding an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group. Attend at least 6 meetings before deciding whether the group is for you (it sometimes takes awhile to really get beneath the surface of what goes on at meetings.) Addicts create a whole lot of crazy for the people around them, and the folks in these groups have all been there. They are a great resource and sounding board. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Walk away. I don't say this lightly as I have had to do it twice. One recovered, one... we'll see. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Wolf has a sister and 2 brothers that are addicts. We had the sister's granddd for 10 days when I was pg with Tazzie b/c the daughter was strung out on meth. (I won't even go into the horror show CPS was, returning the child with no intention of supervision despite positive drug tests). We have nothing to do with the sibs or the niece anymore. They simply aren't safe for our family. CPS has our name and contact info if there is ever a need for us. The niece is supposed to be clean now, and apparently has 'forgiven us' for our role in the situation *snort*. Wolf doesn't want to be bothered with any of them. They can only bring stress and general insanity into our lives, and he doesn't trust any of them to be sober at any time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisabees Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 HUGS to you. I understand the pain. His addiction is unhealthy for him and you. Walk away. This shouldn't be your problem. It's his and only his. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 How frustrating that your family is putting pressure on you to 'help' him. I hope you are able to communicate to them that the 'help' they are giving him may be enabling him to continue this path towards destruction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Especially with the family pressure you're getting, I recommend the PP's advice to seek out a support group for family members of addicts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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