BakersDozen Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 I don't need enemies because I have my family. For over 15 years my dh and I have put up with my mom's selfishness and manipulation, her ugly streak that has to hurt everyone who so much as offends or stands up to her. We have learned to stand our ground and not give in to her. When she finally deemed us worthy of a visit (3 whole days) she wanted to come during the week and I told her fine, but we wouldn't take school off. The message was clear: We aren't rearranging our life for you anymore. She has asked to take my older dc to her house in NM and has been told "no" many times. She shook her fist in my 2yo's face, she yelled at my little girls, she made my oldest dd (who is my mom's darling) so afraid and upset that my dd was sobbing her heart out and hiding in the pantry in our kitchen. My mom is lucky to have her face not rearranged after what she has pulled yet I am accused of turning my back on my family and of being a horrible daughter/sister. She asked to have my older dc again this summer. I emailed my older sister regarding this as I am at a loss and received the most hateful response. I am stunned. My sister has been fed a load of garbage by my mom and has poured it out on me. I am, myself, filled with something that I think comes close to hate for my mom and sister. I am shaking and so upset. I will not let my mom do this to me or my sister. I will not let them affect my life like this. I will not respond to the email. I will not try to explain myself to people who have no clue at all. Right? Tell me to let it go, that not even family is worth what I am feeling right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 I would not respond with a truthful e-mail unless and until you are willing to accept that they might cut you out of their lives. That doesn't mean don't do it. :grouphug: I a sorry it has gotten this bad. My MIL just about had me in tears last night and FIL (although he and I get along pretty well and have respect for each other had me in tears the other day) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolamum Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 :grouphug: Family can be the hardest to deal with because they really think they know the whole story and that we owe them something. Sometimes just closing the door with certain members it the safest, sanest, and best thing to do. There might be a time down the road when you feel ready to open it, maybe not. I've had to close the door on a family member and it was hard because I felt "naughty" doing it, but honestly I've had so much more peace since ignoring all contact from said person. I all most feel ready to open the door again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 It's very hard to let go of your feelings. It seems more difficult when family is involved, because that's a relationship that usually continues; if it were a friend, the friendship would be easier to end. You want your mom to be different. She's not. You hope she'll change, that she'll value you and your family. She probably won't. Your concern, of course, is the safety of your children, not just physical safety, but emotional safety too. It's not all right to shake one's fist at a two year old, or make an older girl feel like she has to hide in a pantry. This is how she treats her grandchildren???? (Good grief, what is wrong with that woman?) If you have to be a "horrible" daughter/sister in their eyes, so be it. It's much better to be a loving mother and wife. You don't have to explain yourself to them. It might be time to ask your dh to step in. My dh would be less involved emotionally, and I'd be happy to give him that kind of responsibility. (And whatever you do, don't send your kids off to be alone with her, ever.) :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 It's very hard to let go of your feelings. It seems more difficult when family is involved, because that's a relationship that usually continues; if it were a friend, the friendship would be easier to end. You want your mom to be different. She's not. You hope she'll change, that she'll value you and your family. She probably won't. Your concern, of course, is the safety of your children, not just physical safety, but emotional safety too. It's not all right to shake one's fist at a two year old, or make an older girl feel like she has to hide in a pantry. This is how she treats her grandchildren???? (Good grief, what is wrong with that woman?) If you have to be a "horrible" daughter/sister in their eyes, so be it. It's much better to be a loving mother and wife. You don't have to explain yourself to them. It might be time to ask your dh to step in. My dh would be less involved emotionally, and I'd be happy to give him that kind of responsibility. (And whatever you do, don't send your kids off to be alone with her, ever.) :grouphug::grouphug: :iagree: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 If a relationship with your mother and sister gets in the way of their safety and well-being, mom and sis have to go. I cut most ties with a relative when she started pulling the same crap with my children that she had with at least one of her own children. I have a relationship with her, but my children largely do not. Don't give in to the bully. Your children need to know that you will protect them. If you let your mother emotionally (or otherwise) abuse them, and you know about it, you are sanctioning your mom's behavior, essentially telling your children that this is the way families are. You are setting them up for big-time dysfunction down the road. Don't think your children don't "get" it. Children know the story, and if it continues, they will know that you let them be abused by someone who is supposed to love them. Think about the loud-and-clear message your girls are getting from that. Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: No advice, just some hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Well, we do re-arrange our schooling schedule when family visits. You are not doing so to "show her," but you're permitting her to visit? I don't really get that. She's doing awful stuff to your kids, but it's okay for her to visit them? What is the point? Anyway I don't blame you for wanting to maintain the tie because it is "MOM" but it sounds like it would be more healthy to let her (and sis) go until/if they change into entirely new people. So sorry you're going through this! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamajudy Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 :iagree: It's very hard to let go of your feelings. It seems more difficult when family is involved, because that's a relationship that usually continues; if it were a friend, the friendship would be easier to end. You want your mom to be different. She's not. You hope she'll change, that she'll value you and your family. She probably won't. Your concern, of course, is the safety of your children, not just physical safety, but emotional safety too. It's not all right to shake one's fist at a two year old, or make an older girl feel like she has to hide in a pantry. This is how she treats her grandchildren???? (Good grief, what is wrong with that woman?) If you have to be a "horrible" daughter/sister in their eyes, so be it. It's much better to be a loving mother and wife. You don't have to explain yourself to them. It might be time to ask your dh to step in. My dh would be less involved emotionally, and I'd be happy to give him that kind of responsibility. (And whatever you do, don't send your kids off to be alone with her, ever.) :grouphug::grouphug: :iagree:Your family now is you, your husband, and your children. That's where your responsibilty is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in Jax Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 If you have to be a "horrible" daughter/sister in their eyes, so be it. It's much better to be a loving mother and wife. You don't have to explain yourself to them. It might be time to ask your dh to step in. My dh would be less involved emotionally, and I'd be happy to give him that kind of responsibility. (And whatever you do, don't send your kids off to be alone with her, ever.) :grouphug::grouphug: I agree with this, and I'd offer two bits of advice. 1. Don't explain, ask, or discuss things with your mom. Instead, pick a mantra and repeat it over and over again when she pushes or insists on something. For example, "Mom, I'm not comfortable with that." ("That" being anything she asks that pushes boundaries.) Repeat that sentence (or another one you choose), without further explanation, with as loving a tone as you can manage. You don't *owe* her another explanation, b/c you've already told her why you're uncomfortable, right? If most of these situations have been discussed before, there's no need to rehash the reasons. And, if you try to justify your choices (again), she will argue or try to bully you. Just don't go there. Pick a sentence, and repeat it over and over. Change the subject and move on. I'm not sure if dh needs to intervene, but if he does, a few rounds of "Don't treat my wife (or my kids) like that" could be useful. Presenting a firm, polite, united front might help. 2. Don't justify your choices/actions to anyone else, either. It's not worth the time and energy, b/c if they don't agree with you, you're causing yourself more pain. Just say, "We've made our decision," and move on. Your mom has shown that she'll involve anyone she can, b/c she wants to manipulate you. If you politely refuse to discuss it with other family members, she can't manipulate you, and it can't as easily interfere with your relationship with other family members. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Remind yourself: you can't talk rationally with someone who is irrational. If your family's response to rational conversation/requests is to manipulate, bully or belittle, you're wasting your time trying to be rational. It's often best to just politely refuse to engage in these kinds of conversations. Lisa "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes time and annoys the pig." Robert Heinlein Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 I've been cut out of my brother and sister-in-law's life. I wish they would explain, so I could apologize. Not saying you are wrong to do so with your mom, just a thought from the "other side." Family trouble stinks--I'm so sorry it happened to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVA Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 I agree with all the advice you've gotten. So sorry you're having to deal with this...nasty, huh? Your hubby and kids come FIRST - like everyone else says. I've had some experience with this, too and found these to be very helpful. They gave me tools to work with the manipulative, narcisisstic personalities. I hope they will help you, too. Your library probably has them. Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend The Mom Book by Cloud and Townsend :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I am really, really sorry your dd felt she had to hide from your mom. I can relate to your statement about not needing enemies because you have family. Your mom and my mom could be clones. Some of the things my mom does and says just leave me dumbfounded. So, what to do? Detach. You have to keep them at an emotional distance. Don't fall prey to their games. Don't respond in kind. Your sister sent you a nasty email? Either don't respond or just reaspond with "I'm sorry you feel that way. How are your kids?" Bean dip. Loads of it. What about your mom? If I remember correctly, you're a Christian, right? (If not, just skip this paragraph) As Christians, we are commanded to honor our parents. How in the world can we honor our parents when they are certifiable whackadoodles? Well, the word used is "honor", not "respect" or "like" or "let your parents treat you like crud and walk all over you". I honor my mother by distancing myself from her when she is in her psycho mode. I honor her by not playing her game and causing her to stumble more. I honor her by restraining myself (and it has taken many years of practice and I still fail occasionally) instead of releasing the inner demons and rearranging her face and attitude. You have too much to worry about in your family (your dh and kids) right now to worry about people who treat you like crud. You have a tricky pregnancy to deal with and many little ones to love on. Focus on that. Focus on treating YOUR family the way they deserve to be treated. Don't engage the crazy. You don't have time for people like that. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 I don't need enemies because I have my family. For over 15 years my dh and I have put up with my mom's selfishness and manipulation, her ugly streak that has to hurt everyone who so much as offends or stands up to her. We have learned to stand our ground and not give in to her. When she finally deemed us worthy of a visit (3 whole days) she wanted to come during the week and I told her fine, but we wouldn't take school off. The message was clear: We aren't rearranging our life for you anymore. She has asked to take my older dc to her house in NM and has been told "no" many times. She shook her fist in my 2yo's face, she yelled at my little girls, she made my oldest dd (who is my mom's darling) so afraid and upset that my dd was sobbing her heart out and hiding in the pantry in our kitchen. My mom is lucky to have her face not rearranged after what she has pulled yet I am accused of turning my back on my family and of being a horrible daughter/sister. She asked to have my older dc again this summer. I emailed my older sister regarding this as I am at a loss and received the most hateful response. I am stunned. My sister has been fed a load of garbage by my mom and has poured it out on me. I am, myself, filled with something that I think comes close to hate for my mom and sister. I am shaking and so upset. I will not let my mom do this to me or my sister. I will not let them affect my life like this. I will not respond to the email. I will not try to explain myself to people who have no clue at all. Right? Tell me to let it go, that not even family is worth what I am feeling right now. Nope, not worth it at all. I'd cut them out of my lives entirely. Who needs toxic people like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 I don't think that at this point you owe either of them any explanations or reasons for severely limiting or cutting them out of your life at this point. What you are describing is abusive. People that behave as extremely as your mother is already know what they are doing and count on family to continually excuse the behavior. Your sister has no business being involved and she may be only doing so because, if you leave, she will be more alone with the problem (your mother). One thing I have learned from my dysfunctional family is that misery loves company and getting out to save your sanity is looked upon with jealousy and lots of attempts to make you feel guilty. Sounds like you need distance and don't feel guilty for looking out for the emotional health of your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunD Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 As a child in that situation, all I felt was relief when my dad finally stopped talking to his mom. She was a mean, hateful gossip, and we never did anything right in her eyes. I'm so glad I don't have to pretend to like her anymore (and I did feel I had to pretend, at least a little, because she's Grandma). The other side of the coin is, now I do feel a little sad that she's never really met her great-grandchildren. I know she's lonely. But when you're abusive and controlling ... that's what happens. She had forty years to change before my dad cut her off, and she never did. She's not going to now, and she confirms that every time I happen to run into her and have a 30-second conversation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 If you have to be a "horrible" daughter/sister in their eyes, so be it. It's much better to be a loving mother and wife. You don't have to explain yourself to them. It might be time to ask your dh to step in. My dh would be less involved emotionally, and I'd be happy to give him that kind of responsibility. (And whatever you do, don't send your kids off to be alone with her, ever.) :grouphug::grouphug: :iagree: This sucks, but you have to do what is right as the mother of your children. Your kids deserve the safety and protection you give them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 :iagree:This sucks, but you have to do what is right as the mother of your children. Your kids deserve the safety and protection you give them. :iagree: Protecting your children is your most important job as mom. :grouphug: I'd also suggest replying very simply to the e-mail in the negative - no explanation is necessary and will only add fuel to her fire. I'd also suggest that you do what's really hard, but incredibly helpful - pray for them. Just pray for good for them and you'll be amazed at how much it will help you. Your anger (absolutely justified) may even turn to pity. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyinND Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 I will repeat what I heard from a couple of therapists (and maybe a Kelly Clarkson song!:lol:) All the same ideas, just said differently. "Insulate & Isolate" Insulate your immediate family & isolate them from the 'toxic' family members. "Some people are like a cancer, you have to cut them out & heal yourself" (And from the Kelly Clarkson song...) "Pick the weeds & save the flowers" :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kchara Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 What about your mom? If I remember correctly, you're a Christian, right? (If not, just skip this paragraph) As Christians, we are commanded to honor our parents. How in the world can we honor our parents when they are certifiable whackadoodles? Well, the word used is "honor", not "respect" or "like" or "let your parents treat you like crud and walk all over you". I honor my mother by distancing myself from her when she is in her psycho mode. I honor her by not playing her game and causing her to stumble more. I honor her by restraining myself (and it has taken many years of practice and I still fail occasionally) instead of releasing the inner demons and rearranging her face and attitude. I PMed you, but... :iagree::iagree::iagree: Totally this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alyeska Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 :grouphug: I am so, so sorry. There is an excellent book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It has changed.my.life! There is a workbook that goes with it, and imo is essential to getting the full benefit of Boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I am shaking and so upset. I will not let my mom do this to me or my sister. I will not let them affect my life like this. I will not respond to the email. I will not try to explain myself to people who have no clue at all. Right? Tell me to let it go, that not even family is worth what I am feeling right now. Right. ...nor cast ye your pearls before swine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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