Arrogant over-achiever

[GypsieFamily]

My dd8 picks everything up quickly and finds everything easy. She is very motivated and self-directed, has high standards, and learns Latin for fun.

 

I have no idea what to do with this child! She learns so quickly and finds everything easy. She is very aware that she finds things easier than most other people. She is becoming unbareably arrogant. I am emphasising to her that social skills are really important, but she values knowledge and achievement above all else. She reads 8+ hours a day, has a photographic memory, particularly artistic, interprets literature effortlessly, etc etc.

 

She is a precocious over-achiever who is now having trouble relating to peers due to her accelerated learning. Did I mention that she hates being challenged with something new and has a melt-down, until she realizes that it's yet another thing she can do well and then says, "That's too easy for me".

 

I do not praise her for achievement, only effort. I need more ideas on how to keep her extraordinarily large attitude from inflating along with her achievements.

[Barb_]

My dd8 picks everything up quickly and finds everything easy. She is very motivated and self-directed, has high standards, and learns Latin for fun.

 

I have no idea what to do with this child! She learns so quickly and finds everything easy. She is very aware that she finds things easier than most other people. She is becoming unbareably arrogant. I am emphasising to her that social skills are really important, but she values knowledge and achievement above all else. She reads 8+ hours a day, has a photographic memory, particularly artistic, interprets literature effortlessly, etc etc.

 

She is a precocious over-achiever who is now having trouble relating to peers due to her accelerated learning. Did I mention that she hates being challenged with something new and has a melt-down, until she realizes that it's yet another thing she can do well and then says, "That's too easy for me".

 

I do not praise her for achievement, only effort. I need more ideas on how to keep her extraordinarily large attitude from inflating along with her achievements.

 

I'm tempted to say continue doing as you are, that 8yo's are kind of like that anyway and she'll come down a few pegs as she matures and life has conspired to put her in her place. But I'm looking forward to hearing other responses.

 

Barb

[regentrude]

Keep upping the challenges. The main danger I see with children like this is a low frustration tolerance and not developing work habits because everything is always so easy. It is good if they find something that is hard and comes only after practice (music lessons are great for that purpose)

 

Can you find peers for her to who are on a similar intellectual level? I am not convinced it is always arrogance when these kids have difficulties finding friends. She might need somebody who shares her interests, who reads the same kind of books, who can talk with her about the things that matter to her. It can feel very lonely never to have this opportunity and to be criticized for wanting this in a friendship- almost like speaking a foreign language and not being understood. While I would insist on good manners in social interactions, I would not expect her to form deep friendships with kids who do not share her interests. She might benefit from joining some interest based group with mostly older kids.

[wapiti]

I would be careful about assuming that her trouble relating to her peers is due to her achievement. I'd guess it's more likely due to her giftedness.

 

I'd also try to refrain from referring to her as an over-achiever. That term can be construed as derogatory. She is not achieving more than she is capable of.

 

If you haven't already, I'd do some reading at Hoagies http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/social_emotional.htm and possibly SENG http://www.sengifted.org/articles_index.shtml .

 

Perfectionism sounds like it's a significant issue for her. That is not an easy problem to deal with. You might try Freeing Our Families from Perfectionism by Greenspon. Setting the bar at just the right height, challenge-wise, is obviously very tricky, but I'd try to see to it that she has at least one activity that is a struggle and requires some perseverance (for one of my kids, that's piano; it's different for each of them).

 

Think you've got some attitude now, just wait till she hits 9 and 10 y.o. And oh, the tears :tongue_smilie:

 

just my two cents :)

[Ester Maria]

One of the main issues with very precocious, good-at-everything kids is the lack of persistence when things do get tough later (quick to give up or consider themselves stupid for not getting things at first). Learning an accumulative area which might not "click" with them instantly often solves the problem and teaches determination: check up opportunities for learning an instrument / ballet / etc., for example, if she is not finding an opportunity to learn how to motivate herself and persist within the regular school framework. With regards to school work, meet her where she is rather than keeping her underchallenged.

 

With regard to character issues, I would wait a few years before "diagnosing" the kid with serious intellectual arrogance. She is 8, she is not supposed to be at the level of maturity with regards to this that you expect from her. Remember that there is an academic dimension, but an acceleration in that area does not magically transfer to acceleration in social, emotional, physical, etc. areas. Continue to praise the effort, ignore brattiness arising from being good at everything, keep her challenged and let some time pass for these character issues.

[wapiti]

Keep upping the challenges. The main danger I see with children like this is a low frustration tolerance and not developing work habits because everything is always so easy. It is good if they find something that is hard and comes only after practice (music lessons are great for that purpose)

 

Can you find peers for her to who are on a similar intellectual level? I am not convinced it is always arrogance when these kids have difficulties finding friends. She might need somebody who shares her interests, who reads the same kind of books, who can talk with her about the things that matter to her. It can feel very lonely never to have this opportunity and to be criticized for wanting this in a friendship- almost like speaking a foreign language and not being understood. While I would insist on good manners in social interactions, I would not expect her to form deep friendships with kids who do not share her interests. She might benefit from joining some interest based group with mostly older kids.

:iagree:

[Rosie_0801]

When I've come across that sort of thing with brownies, I've said something along the lines of "Yes, you are very clever, but you are not good at trying new things. Look at Claire. She's not very good at <whatever they are doing> but she will be because she is very good at trying. She's much better at trying than you are." That usually shocks them. They never want Claire to be better than them at anything, and they tend to give poor Claire a bit more respect too. ;)

 

I don't know if I'll be able to pull stunts like that on my own. Dd is only 3 and doesn't fall for many of my tricks...

 

Rosie

[Donna]

I agree with Rosie that pointing out what others are good at may help. I don't point out so much what dd is not good at but we do talk about other people's gifts. I work with developmentally delayed children and have on occasion taken her to work with me. We talk about the children's strengths no matter what they might be...perseverance, attitude, cheerfulness, etc... and celebrate their achievements.

 

I also try to find her peers so she has friends who are as good or better than her in whatever it happens to be...right now it happens to be music. They don't always happen to be the same age as she is but that doesn't seem to matter so much to her. I've also been lucky enough to find her a group of friends with whom to discuss books...kids who are intellectually her peers. We do it through Skype because they live all over the country but she is making friends and enjoying it.

 

I think you are doing her a great service in praising her effort rather than her abilities. I would also suggest finding her something that is difficult and requires practice...a sport or music study to help deal with perfectionism and to teach her the benefits of sticking with something and practicing.

 

I also think her attitude at 8yo is probably not an indicator of a long term problem.

[zaichiki]

When I've come across that sort of thing with brownies, I've said something along the lines of "Yes, you are very clever, but you are not good at trying new things. Look at Claire. She's not very good at <whatever they are doing> but she will be because she is very good at trying. She's much better at trying than you are." That usually shocks them. They never want Claire to be better than them at anything, and they tend to give poor Claire a bit more respect too. ;)

 

I don't know if I'll be able to pull stunts like that on my own. Dd is only 3 and doesn't fall for many of my tricks...

 

Rosie

 

Rosie,

 

Do little kids really *need* to be shocked like that? I don't think comparing little kids like that is EVER a good idea.

 

One could point out another child's strengths, in a less challenging way: "Susie is really good at trying new things. See how she became really good at X by working hard at it?"

 

The kids will develop respect for the other child if one points out his/her strengths and the kids see that that adult values those strengths.

[LuckyDuck103]

My DD had those issues too. I've also emphasised RESPECT for others (in addition to some strategies mentioned above). We are Christian so I found myself saying 'Everyone is created in the image of God'. 'Everyone deserves RESPECT - not because of what they can do, but because they are a human being.' 'Human beings are equal, regardless of ability'. etc I felt like a broken record but I think it kind of paid off - or maybe it's maturity. DD is now 9. She still occasionally patronizes her sister & 13yo friend but it's much much better than before.

[Dmmetler]

We're working on this, too. I think DD got a know it all attitude for her 6th birthday.

 

There are two things that I think have helped more than anything else.

 

1)is that dance pushes her in directions where she's not at all naturally talented and where she's with others who sometimes are, and fortunately, one of her classmates is talented and is a prima donna. I say fortunately, because DD doesn't like being on the receiving end at all-and therefore, it's possible to redirect her to remember how it makes HER feel when she starts pulling the "know it all" attitude about academics.

 

2) Getting curriculum which is sufficiently challenging that DD isn't able to do it all the first time she sees it. I just wish there were a happy medium between "tears every couple of days" and "so easy that she flies through it and never has to make her brain work"!-but I've decided that as far as the rest of the day and the rest of life goes, we're better off with the "It's too hard! I can't do it" meltdowns (followed by the coming back the next day and being able to do it, and the day after by "this is easy") than with the "I can do anything".

 

I do wish DD had at least one peer who was her age and similarly gifted. She has a couple of older girls in our homeschool group who are gifted and she gets along with them well, but at 11 and 12, there's a big maturity gap between them and DD, who is a young-acting 6. And while her dance friends are her age, they're not able to relate to her about anything BUT dance, where they have that common interest. I suspect that a lot of DD's attitude and behavior frustrations would be solved if she just plain had a best friend who wasn't a stuffed dragon.

[JennyD]

I agree about getting her involved in things that don't necessarily come easily to her. (I took years of piano lessons when I was a child, and I only much later found out that my mother had enrolled me because she thought it would be good for me to have a different kind of challenge, and indeed I think she was right.) What about swimming? Some other sport, maybe?

[nmoira]

When I've come across that sort of thing with brownies, I've said something along the lines of "Yes, you are very clever, but you are not good at trying new things. Look at Claire. She's not very good at <whatever they are doing> but she will be because she is very good at trying. She's much better at trying than you are." That usually shocks them. They never want Claire to be better than them at anything, and they tend to give poor Claire a bit more respect too. ;)

I don't think it's helpful to compare children directly, especially if you're dealing with a child who is potentially a perfectionist. Perfectionists are terrified (whether they admit it to themselves or not) about trying new things because their self esteem is focused on achievement: talent is innate, and therefore they are special/good/worthy. We can teach perfectionists to recognize the talents and ideas of others without resorting to ranking and direct comparison, two of the pillars of perfectionism. It's not common for perfectionists to either not try new things, or "fail" or be mediocre purposefully so they can rationalize that it's something they could do if they "cared."

 

OP: I make sure my kids fail, and regularly. I don't give grades, but I gun for about 80% success in problem sets etc. (trivial "knowledge like learning math facts doesn't count, there we gun for near-perfect), and adjust the difficultly of the work as needed. I sometimes give them problems that cannot be solved (or that they don't have the knowledge to solve), and am wont to put a (solvable) brain buster on the white board and leave it for a week if necessary. Sometimes they still won't get it (and that's fine), but it's the effort I'm looking for. We can go back and talk about what they tried and why they think it didn't work, and then I'll work through it with them.

 

If you haven't already read Mindset by Carol Dweck, I'd highly recommend that you do so. It's written for lay people and sometimes feels a bit dumbed down, but she also has academic publications.

[Rosie_0801]

Rosie,

 

Do little kids really *need* to be shocked like that? I don't think comparing little kids like that is EVER a good idea.

 

One could point out another child's strengths, in a less challenging way: "Susie is really good at trying new things. See how she became really good at X by working hard at it?"

 

The kids will develop respect for the other child if one points out his/her strengths and the kids see that that adult values those strengths.

 

One could do as you said. One could also observe that everyone else in the child's life speaks that way so another person doing it is no contribution.

 

This thread was not about a child with such low self esteem she can't bring her gaze up from the floor. It is about a child who is arrogant. Arrogant children may well need a kick in the pants, and if it is followed up by behaviour that demonstrates that they are valued, they will recover very quickly. I used this technique many times, and it was never necessary to do it twice to the same child. The child and I still liked each other five minutes later, any further corrections could be delivered non-verbally or at most with a brief "remember what we talked about?"

 

Nobody has to use this technique if they don't want to, and it is not a one size fits all solution to any child being annoying. If used, it was not delivered by standing over them, pointing and yelling. This does work on some types of children in some situations. I have full confidence that the OP is capable of deciding whether it will work on her daughter or whether her daughter is not the type of child and it not the type of situation.

 

Rosie

[jennynd]

when my boy had his 2 years old (not quite 23 months yet) check up in Dr. office and picked up a book start to read (in front of the Dr.) the Dr. advise me to try to get the boy into things that i know he will struggle. for us, it was sports. we get the boy into all kind of different sports to make him aware the different people are gifted in different way, and been smart, just one very little thing.

[LibraryLover]

My experience has been that accelerated children tend greatly towards compassion. They see they are different, that things come easily to them , and therefore cut other children more slack. So I agree with Rosie about calling them (gently) on it. (Unless you think the child does have some social difficulties. If this is the case, modeling kind behavior would be appropriate. Of course, modeling kind behavior is always approriate, no matter. :))

[pbt1294]

This sounds a little like my dd7 almost 8. She is not like this all of the time, but sometimes it rears its ugly head.

 

I sort of think that it does have something to do with maturity too. She is so smart that I expect her to actually BE older then she is. Then when she acts like a 7 year old (maybe being a little too arrogant) I get really upset.

 

About two years ago she wouldn't apologize for misdeeds. I finally questioned her about it and she (after much prodding) told me that it embarrassed her to say she was sorry. It was like she had to maintain a perfect image because everyone knew she was smart (and also physically attractive).

 

She has really improved and I hope that with age the little episodes of arrogance will too. We are just really honest and say, "people aren't gonna want to be around you if that is how you act." We also roll play so she can hear how she sounds. Sometimes I don't even think she realized how unattractive that attitude is. Once she sees it, she doesn't want to be like that.

 

Blessings,

Kyle (hsing mom of 6)

[nmoira]

This thread was not about a child with such low self esteem she can't bring her gaze up from the floor. It is about a child who is arrogant.

But Rosie, perfectionism is at least partially a self-esteem issue, and arrogance often goes hand-in-hand with perfectionism. Arrogance in others can bring our hackles up, but taking a kid down a peg in the way you described won't help if the root issue is perfectionism. I obviously don't know the child, but from the OP:

 

Did I mention that she hates being challenged with something new and has a melt-down, until she realizes that it's yet another thing she can do well and then says, "That's too easy for me".

 

This is classic perfectionist behavior, so her being a perfectionist is certainly a possibility I would examine further if I were her parent.

[Rosie_0801]

But Rosie, perfectionism is at least partially a self-esteem issue, and arrogance often goes hand-in-hand with perfectionism. Arrogance in others can bring our hackles up, but taking a kid down a peg in the way you described won't help if the root issue is perfectionism.

 

I'm not really sure what to tell you. You are telling me something that I experienced on numerous occasions didn't happen and neither of us can go back in time and enjoy a Devonshire tea while observing it all play out.

 

What I think happened is I shocked the kidlet by saying something different to what everyone else said, which made them actually listen. It was something new, so they weren't already convinced they didn't believe me. Then I used their perfectionist tendency to redirect them. Perfectionists usually want to be perfect at EVERYTHING. When perfectionism (is that a word?) manifests in arrogance, it's a sure bet that they want to be BETTER THAN EVERYONE too. They don't want little Claire, who they think is nice but a trifle dull, to be better than them at anything so they start working hard at persevering. A low status person mustn't be better than them at anything!

 

We haven't hurt dear Claire. We have raised her status. Now she is not the nice but plodding type of girl to be mostly ignored, she's someone who is really good at something Miss Uppity want to be really good at. Miss Uppity is now rather nicer to Claire. That is positive for everyone. Miss Uppity becomes significantly less arrogant because she's too busy worrying about being good at persevering. Every bit better she gets at it is reducing her need for perfectionism because she finds not only that she can try hard/new things, (and you have to point that out to begin with so she notices) but she is in fact rather good at it ;) If she is that type of kid, she may wander about boasting about how good she is at trying new things, but all you do then is agree that she is wonderful and send her off to do something terribly important. Not hard to do. When these kids are redirected they are fabulous!

 

In my experience, telling a Miss Uppity that she's no good at persevering and someone else is doesn't do more than three seconds of damage because she already knows that other people are better than her at things. Generally they find it validating because usually adults are telling them not to worry about these other things that they are worried about. I just picked something that would improve their character (which is more important in the long run than whether they can dribble a basketball or whatever) and agreed they should be worried. I didn't cause their worry, I redirected it to somewhere that would, given time, actually help.

 

I hope this explains where I was coming from, and since I don't know your children, you can rest easy knowing I'm not coming after them. :p

 

Rosie

Edited March 31, 2011 by Rosie_0801

[2smartones]

I probably would've done the same thing Rosie did, actually. If that makes me a bad person, oh well.

[nmoira]

 

I'm not really sure what to tell you. You are telling me something that I experienced on numerous occasions didn't happen and neither of us can go back in time and enjoy a Devonshire tea while observing it all play out.

Not at all. I'm looking at this with respect to the OP's situation, and using qualifiers such as "if" because, like you, I don't know the child. I didn't say bad behavior should be tolerated; whether the child in question is a perfectionist our not, it shouldn't. It was specifically the direct comparison I have issues with. On the flip side: What if Clair was not obviously better at anything? Does she needed to be better or best at something to deserve respect or compassion?

[elizabeth]

Gentle excursions outside her familiar areas of strength. Classical writing , sculpture with fimo clay, beadwork, musical instruments....you must demonstrate that the PROCESS is crucial that is the learning that matters. We all get that gifted kids can and often do things beyond their years. Way beyond and it is scary and unpredictable .For my daughter it was crucial to attend to the process of learning be it calligraphy,calculus or gaelic(I am fighting that one I am too dam* old for that) . The process focal point is patience, cooperation with others and the material being worked with. The end product will be fine as it usually is with highly able learners...keep on emphasizing the journey, not the end result and she will follow your lead. If not try standing on your head. I have considered it believe me. Anyone who thinks it is all days of wine and roses with gifted learners has no knowledge or experience of trying to hurry up and wait for synchronicity. Guess what? It has not happened yet but she is an interesting and kind person with some prodigious achievements and some stumbling blocks. They are just different ones than youths of her chronological age.

Edited March 31, 2011 by elizabeth
exhaustion

[Rosie_0801]

It was specifically the direct comparison I have issues with.

 

I know, you said that before. I explained what I did because I am more comfortable when people think I'm a jerk for the right reasons. I now feel confident you have the right reasons so I can carry on with the rest of my afternoon.

 

 

Rosie

[nmoira]

I know, you said that before. I explained what I did because I am more comfortable when people think I'm a jerk for the right reasons. I now feel confident you have the right reasons so I can carry on with the rest of my afternoon.

 

 

Rosie

:confused: I am not clear as to whether or not you mean it in jest (I hope you do), but I don't think you're a jerk because I disagree with you... or otherwise for that matter.

[Rosie_0801]

:confused: I am not clear as to whether or not you mean it in jest (I hope you do), but I don't think you're a jerk because I disagree with you... or otherwise for that matter.

 

http://www.google.com.au/imgres?imgurl=http://www.hauntedyarns.com/images/Devonshire_tea.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.hauntedyarns.com/blog/2009/06/back-in-business/&usg=__-zrpfjEoEiRbwzGsqbafdgiDUeM=&h=1897&w=3072&sz=758&hl=en&start=0&sig2=EtDP1yHYyX1aAzUiZMsNCA&zoom=1&tbnid=NvwQez_BfjxmeM:&tbnh=122&tbnw=198&ei=cAiUTfT7F4WavgOF7fTqCw&prev=/images%3Fq%3Ddevonshire%2Btea%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D1408%26bih%3D850%26gbv%3D2%26tbs%3Disch:1&itbs=1&iact=rc&dur=512&oei=cAiUTfT7F4WavgOF7fTqCw&page=1&ndsp=24&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0&tx=81&ty=56

 

Sit down and have a scone. They're not as good as my grandmother's, but what do you expect when the main ingredient is pixels? Let's talk about something non-controversial, like, shopping carts or crockpots or something?

 

;)

[nmoira]

Sit down and have a scone. They're not as good as my grandmother's, but what do you expect when the main ingredient is pixels? Let's talk about something non-controversial, like, shopping carts or crockpots or something?

 

;)

As long as they're not lavender. I attended an otherwise lovely high tea recently at which I, having a somewhat impaired sense of smell, unsuspectingly sampled a lavender scone. It was like eating soap, and a dreadful waste of clotted cream. So even pixelated lavender is utterly repellent as far as I'm concerned. :tongue_smilie:

[Rosie_0801]

As long as they're not lavender. I attended an otherwise lovely high tea recently at which I, having a somewhat impaired sense of smell, unsuspectingly sampled a lavender scone. It was like eating soap, and a dreadful waste of clotted cream. So even pixelated lavender is utterly repellent as far as I'm concerned. :tongue_smilie:

 

Ay! I know somewhere to get nice lavender scones! Haven't been there in ages. They use just the right amount. Lavender is very tricky to cook with. Too little, and I mean the difference of three grains, and you can't taste it. Three grains too many and it is like eating soap. :ack2: It's fun stuff.

 

Oops. Hijacked. I can't resist commenting on food.

 

*skulks off to do start making dinner*

[LibraryLover]

:) You're both making me smile.

[GypsieFamily]

Thank you for making me smile about this. As can happen, we had 'one of those days' that made me dwell on the issue yesterday, whereas today wasn't quite as bad.

 

Many of you picked it that yes, she is an absolute perfectionist. She also has a tendency to resist instruction, and gets particularly upset at anything she's not good at or doesn't already know. She is lucky in some ways that her brother (9) is much the same, but they get very competitive. She is the little girl with the curl on her forehead; when she is good she is so very, very, good, but when she is bad she is horrid.

 

The peers online would be good, except she has a complete aversion to screens. I think the friend issue is very much heightened because we are travelling. She doesn't care; I do. I see ds9 and dd5 playing with total strangers like they've known them all their lives after a few minutes, and she sits there and reads pointing out to me that she doesn't like playgrounds. But she is happy doing that, and will happily talk to older children, or mother younger ones. As I said, that is my issue as she is happy and content like that

 

I'm not feeling quite as overwhelmed about it today. To the poster who pointed out the difference with calling her an over-achiever, you are right; she is probably under-achieving for her potential due to a multitude of issues.

 

Thanks again ladies. And thanks for reassuring me that attitude at 8 is not set in stone!

[deacongirl]

Some things to keep in mind re: gifted girls, perfectionism, etc:

 

http://www.aare.edu.au/aer/online/0803_c.pdf

A nice summary of different types of motivation in the context of Goal Theory

 

Siegle and McCoach, 2005 Motivating Gifted Students who are not achieving

 

I know your dd is only 8, but perfectionism at 8 can turn into a serious case of self-sabotage and underachievement. Just worth considering!

[Elizabeth in WA]

This thread has made me smile.

 

I got lucky with my competitive, perfectionist gifted child. He found a sport he loves and is reasonably good at, but at which one simply cannot be successful without putting in long hours of sustained practice. In the early years, we endured tantrums when he got no medals, but over time he has learned to work toward realistic but difficult goals without freaking out if he falls short.

 

Somewhere along the line he has learned to compete primarily with himself and to accept the element of blind luck in success. Favorite to win States right up to the day before? Broke his ankle last practice before. Life went on. Looking to qualify to Nationals next season? Broke his thumb after the first meet of the season. He is working on the comeback now, but knows it's a long shot. There is always next year. He knows former teammates injured out permanently or desperately trying to comeback to keep a provisional Div 1 scholarship offer. He knows it could be him one day. But he wants to give it his best shot and he has learned to persist in the face of adversity.

 

Sometimes it even translates to academics. Like making friends with right triangles. :glare: Geometry is the first math course he has ever found hard. But he is persisting. Even if he does complain a bit. :tongue_smilie: (And it is nice for his big brother to have finally passed him in math.)

[onaclairadeluna]

This thread has made me smile.

 

Me too.

 

I agree with everyone who says "up the challenge level". Also sometimes kids find challenges in non academic areas. My son had a very difficult time with rhythm so I encouraged him to study music. It really helped him learn how to approach difficult tasks. And as a bonus he is a pretty good musician now.:D

[Storm Bay]

Something to bear in mind is that it is common for young children to brag (my dad's stronger than your dad, I can run very fast, etc). I think that teaching and example are very important for a dc who is being arrogant.

 

fwiw, there are times when dc with low self esteems can act arrogantly on a regular basis--I went through a few times like that when I was a young dc. I'm not saying that this is the case here, but it does happen, and you don't always know, either. This is where wisdom in handling the situation and in teaching your dc come in handy.

[tarahillmom]

Something to bear in mind is that it is common for young children to brag (my dad's stronger than your dad, I can run very fast, etc). I think that teaching and example are very important for a dc who is being arrogant.

 

fwiw, there are times when dc with low self esteems can act arrogantly on a regular basis--I went through a few times like that when I was a young dc. I'm not saying that this is the case here, but it does happen, and you don't always know, either. This is where wisdom in handling the situation and in teaching your dc come in handy.

 

I agree that kids tend to brag. Listening to my son and his friends with their fish tales can be rather amusing. I think it is also hard for a gifted child who is significantly ahead of age level peers. They find it hard to relate to other kids. That can lead to low self-esteem. I had someone explain to me that high level kids are as different mentally from the norm as kids on the other end of the spectrum. It is important to get them peers that help them realize they are not alone, and also so they have someone who "gets" them. When my son is at baseball complaining about his algebra test, his teammates don't even know what that is. So some may take it as bragging or being arrogant, but the child is just expressing his life and what is going on.

[dietmom]

I have similar difficulties with my son--I am finding it more helpful to praise him for the right things--rather than just being impressed with intelligence I think now it is more important to praise the real qualities you want to see--like hard work, cooperativeness, attention to detail. These qualities will yield to better success and a nicer person in the long run. But in the mean time it is hard--and my son does have difficulty fitting in as well--he relies on showing his intelligence I think when others don't see qualities in him that they want as a friend. There is an intrinsic need to show them he is amazing at something!

[plansrme]

Please consider putting her into something non-academic--a sport, music, whatever you can swing. Several others have suggested this as well, so I am just adding my "amen" to what has already been said. My daughter is very gifted, and we stumbled into gymnastics when she was about 5. She is a good gymnast, on track to compete in Div. I college, but in gymnastics, no one gets it right the first time, and I mean that literally--NO ONE hops onto the bars and does her first release move without having years of practice under her leotard and the calloused, bleeding hands to show for it. NO ONE does a double back on floor without putting in years of hard, painful training. EVERY gymnast can (and does) get to state and fall apart, or twists an ankle in warm-ups, or just crashes on beam, and no matter how badly she fails, she has to show up at the gym the next day and get right back to work with her teammates.

 

Early on, we realized that gymnastics could be what keeps our daughter challenged and keeps her from tuning out the first time school got hard for her. For this reason, we have bent over backwards to keep her (she is now 13) in gymnastics, and we will do so for as long as she wants it. It is worked beautifully so far. She is doing serious math, for instance, and it's hard; it is hard for everyone, but never, not one single time, has she said, "I can't do this," or quit working on a problem. She thinks that if she works hard enough in school or in the gym, she can do anything, and I am pretty sure that she is right.

 

Obviously gymnastics isn't for everyone, but whatever it is--music, dance, chess, tennis--there is an activity out there that is either competitive or objectively progressive, and I highly recommend finding one for the gifted child.

 

Terri