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Metaphor Mishaps

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laughing lioness

laughing lioness

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Metaphor Mishaps

 

Every year, English teachers from across the USA submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers (and many others) across the country. Here are the winners of a few years ago:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

3. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:3o.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

 

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24 . His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

25 . He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

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DarlaS

DarlaS

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Some of these are funny and cute.

 

But I think if I were the student, I may be horrified to find out that my teacher had posted something that I had written for the purpose of making fun of my writing.

 

I can't help but wonder if making someone laugh was not the intent--at least for most of these. They're just too good at being bad to have been entirely accidental. I'd bet in many cases, coming up with ridiculous metaphors WAS the assignment.

 

If not, I agree it's in poor taste. If my kid's teacher did that and I found out, I'd be pretty ticked.

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DarlaS

DarlaS

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Yeah, some of those are great funny, not unintentionally bad funny. The one about the bowling ball is pretty much lifted from Douglas Adams: "The huge golden space ship hung in the air in almost exactly the way a brick doesn't."

 

I noticed that. The kid that wrote that could not have been illiterate! :D

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Miss Sherry

Miss Sherry

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I can't help but wonder if making someone laugh was not the intent--at least for most of these. They're just too good at being bad to have been entirely accidental. I'd bet in many cases, coming up with ridiculous metaphors WAS the assignment.

 

If not, I agree it's in poor taste. If my kid's teacher did that and I found out, I'd be pretty ticked.

True. Some of them must have been intentionally funny. But kids writing should not be made public by their teacher's without their consent. But who knows, maybe the teacher had their consent.

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merry gardens

merry gardens

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Metaphor Mishaps

 

Every year, English teachers from across the USA submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers (and many others) across the country. Here are the winners of a few years ago:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

 

3. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

 

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

 

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

 

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

 

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

 

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

 

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

 

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

 

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:3o.

 

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

 

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

 

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

 

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

 

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

 

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

 

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

 

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

 

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

 

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

 

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

 

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

 

24 . His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

 

25 . He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

 

 

:lol:

I laughed so hard that I started coughing. Then, all deep coughing helped me dislodge some of the gunk that's been stuck in my lungs due to a bad cold--and finally, I can breath again!

 

Perhaps this is what people mean when saying laughter is the best medicine. :lol:

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Donna

Donna

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:lol:

I laughed so hard that I started coughing. Then, all deep coughing helped me dislodge some of the gunk that's been stuck in my lungs due to a bad cold--and finally, I can breath again!

 

Perhaps this is what people mean when saying laughter is the best medicine. :lol:

 

:lol::lol:

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laughing lioness

laughing lioness

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:lol:

I laughed so hard that I started coughing. Then, all deep coughing helped me dislodge some of the gunk that's been stuck in my lungs due to a bad cold--and finally, I can breath again!

 

Perhaps this is what people mean when saying laughter is the best medicine. :lol:

 

I'm so glad this brought you relief ;) Laugher IS the best medicine.

I keep reading and thinking, "Now I've found my favorite!"

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