How to "pull back" when kids are too "friend oriented"

[Alicia64]

I don't know if it's just a reflection of their ages -- they're 8 in April -- or if I let them have waaaayyyyy too many play dates over the last year, but we're at the point in our life where everything seems to be situated around playing with friends.

 

We made a major move out of state a year ago. And are still in relocation apts. Out of guilt I let the boys have tons of play dates with kids. They especially found two boys in our complex that they absolutely love playing with. (I like the boys, too, they're great.)

 

But lately it just seems like our entire lives are focused around if these kids are home and can play or not.

 

But it's not just them. We have other homeschool kids in our complex and if they're out and playing -- I practically have to close the blinds and pretend nobody is outside or I'm hounded by my boys ("can we go out, please?? Please??)

 

I guess I just miss when they were 3, 4, 5 yrs. and they were so happy to hang out with me.

 

Am I doing something wrong? Any advice?

 

Dh and I are thinking we'll buy a place in the country so we have more space and distance between our kids and others. (We won't end up doing this, but I've thought about it.)

 

Jessie Wise said something like, "I'm not into kids having a ton of play dates." Essentially, she believes that it's "about" family. Well, okay. I think she's right and I don't know how to pull back.

 

I'd love any suggestions or ideas.

 

Alley

[Night Elf]

When we lived in a neighborhood full of kids, we had a rule that all schoolwork had to be completed before they could go outside to play. We were fortunate because no one homeschooled so the kids didn't come home until 2:30pm, but it sure did motivate my kids to get their schoolwork done during the day while the other kids were at school.

 

If schoolwork wasn't finished, they didn't have playtime outside right when the kids came home.

[5wolfcubs]

I'll start by not suggesting we get together! :lol:

 

I can't really offer tried & true advice because we aren't in a location where it is an issue. But I have an idea for you! You don't do any video/electronic things, right? So, do a search on how to limit such things, but substitue the word friend or play date for TV/video game/computer and see if something fits your situation.

 

I'll end by suggesting that when it gets warm we do a NoVA park day... :D

[Ravin]

I just make it a matter of priorities. If DD has her schoolwork done, her chores done, there's an alert adult in the house (i.e., it's not just her home with me when I'm day-sleeping, or her home alone), and we have no plans to go do something together, etc., then I figure why not let her go play with friends once they get home?

 

She knows that if I ask something of her and she gives me a hard time because she'd rather be playing with her friends, she'll suddenly be NOT playing with her friends.

 

She's also an only child (for now, and there's a big age gap once the baby gets here), so unless I want to let TV or myself be her entertainment all day...she's an extrovert and really doesn't like playing alone, so why make her miserable?

 

She knows the rules for when she has to be home (when she's hungry, don't ask her friends' parents for food, come home, though it's okay to accept snacks if offered to her; or 6:30 PM when it's getting dark here now), what her boundaries are, and that if she's going to play inside at someone's house, she needs to let me know which one. She also knows she may not go inside the homes or backyards of any adults who don't have kids, and how far from the house she's allowed to rove (i.e., not out to the road with the busy traffic).

 

When it comes down to it, I subscribe to the free-range kid philosophy. It wouldn't work with all kids, but the one I have is doing very well. I worry about when we move next year (hopefully), because who knows what our new neighborhood will be like? This one is quite safe and there are a ton of kids who get out and play, at least during the school year.

[Alicia64]

Ravin and Night Elf -- That's one of the mistakes I'm making: I get pushed to play w/ friends even if chores/lessons etc. aren't done. And I cave.

 

That's part of the problem. Me.

 

(I have a real part of me that feels really badly about taking them away from the home they grew up in, all of their friends that they'd known from infancy, grandparents etc. etc. and I CAVE!)

 

5Cubs -- Wow! How do you keep track of the fact that we don't have TV??? That amazes me. I'm not able to keep track of many on here. I try, but I'm terrible at it.

 

Please don't get me wrong -- I'm TOO much about play dates. But, honestly, of everything we do I wish we had more homeschool park get togethers. We don't have any of those here that have worked for us.

 

You're in the DC area, right?

 

Thanks everyone -- I'm pretty sure that my "caving" and guilt about moving is the problem. Great.

 

Alley

[AK_Mom4]

Put it in writing.

 

Put up a sign on the fridge door or somewhere noticable:

 

"We will play with friends and do other fun things once our schoolwork and chores are finished"

 

Seems like it's easier to be accountable when you and the kiddos can both see the message.

[Firefly]

Interesting, we recently dealt with the exact same thing. Last year there were just TOO many activities and playdates. A lot of the playdates were borne out of the activities (afterward one of them would ask, "Can so-and-so come home with us?" or vice versa. So... cutting back on activities this year has really helped. I also let them know at the beginning of the year that because they were getting older that our school days would naturally be a little longer (and subsequently, have fewer hours in the day for get-togethers with friends). It's worked out well-- They see their friends once or twice a week AT activities, and I prompt them ahead of time not to ask (or accept offers) about post-activity play time. I do let them have at most one a week, and I try to schedule it so they have their play times at the SAME time, so it's not more time taken up w/socializing. (Kind of ironic that stereotype about homeschoolers and socialization, no? We have TOO MUCH! LOL)

 

On the flip side, I do worry about the parents, who are also friends of mine. I did talk over the summer about how we'd be "buckling down" with school work this year and have less play time, but I still feel they may feel a bit stung that we're not calling/getting together as much, particularly on weekends. But I really like weekends to be family time. *shrug*

 

All that said, I do try to maintain a certain level of flexibility about it. I just don't want to set multiple playdates a week as the standard.

 

HTH

[Ellie]

I don't make play dates. Dc can either play spontaneously with neighborhood dc or not.

 

Just because the other dc are out playing does not mean yours have to play, as well.

 

We kept our schedule pretty much year round (official school stuff on Monday, Tuesday; library on Wednesday; field trip on Thursday, clean house/once-a-month park day on Friday). I had no qualms about telling neighborhood dc that mine couldn't play on Mondays or Tuesdays; dc could play in the afternoon when we came home from the library; we were gone all day on thursdays; no playing with other dc before we were finished with housework on Friday.

 

Sometimes you just have to do it. If you think your dc are playing with friends too much, then just say no. They might whine at first, but they'll get over it.

 

If you must make a "play date," don't do it more than once a week, and try to make it on the same day each week.

[mooooom]

I just thought you might want to hear from the other side. I have twins that are now 16. We never had neighbor kids the right age to play with, and although had play dates, it wasn't THAT often and very rarely with kids that "clicked". Therefore the boys were really close, which was great when they were younger but by the time they were 13 it began to be a problem. One of them was ready to break away and the other wasn't, and they've had a really tough couple of years trying to "separate" - it's been really hard on them. I'm thinking that if they'd had more time to spend with other kids, more time to make other friends, that they would have had an easier time of it. I anticipate that going off to separate colleges is going to be very difficult as well. I wish they had more opportunity to be with other kids when they were able to. It's the only thing about raising them I regret.

[fairfarmhand]

well, around here, my kids know that a. no playing with the neighbors before lunch; b. no playtime till school is done (this includes me checking their work and having them redo things as necessary) c. no playtime till chores are done. d. the neighbor kids have to go home at supper.

 

ITA with writing it down.

 

Is it possible that your boys are picking up on your "mommy guilt" and capitalizing on it?

[regentrude]

Our rule is: school has to be finished - friends and extracurriculars come after. I expect DS11 to do four hours of concentrated work for school each day. Which means he is done by lunch.

After that, I am encouraging him to make play dates and get together with his friends. that's what childhood is about, playing.

 

DD13 is hanging out with her friends at the barn every day for several hours. I consider this extremely important for her healthy development. As long as her school work is finished, she is free to do that.

 

So, just be firm about school work and don't give in. And let them play afterwards to their heart's content. (Btw, I find it quite normal that 8y/os want to play less with mom and more with other kids.)

[GinaPagnato]

I have a slightly different take on the situation. Until recently, there was a wonderful family of kids who lived down the street from us, and our kids all loved to play together. It soon became too much for me. Way, way too much. We would be driving home from somewhere and pass their house, and my kids would practically throw themselves out the window to get to their place. Weekends started with the doorbell ringing, lessons were rushed through just to get finished. I felt like my kids were missing out on the chance to be just by themselves and think. Or, just to play with one another.

 

Eventually, this family moved and it was terribly sad for all of us. However, there was this niggling little voice in my head that said, "Phew! Now it can be just my family on our own terms."

 

So, while my kids have many friends, and we typically get together with them on the weekends, our school week is no longer dominated by the stampede of neighbors.

[sassenach]

I let my kids play a lot. I have no problem with them having lots of playtime with neighborhood friends. BUT, I am never hounded about it, especially during the school day. They know not to even think about asking before school and chores are done. In addition, we have a couple of days that are off limits to playing- Sundays and Tuesdays. Sundays because it's a family day, Tuesdays because we have a lot of outside activities and I'm beat by the end of the day. We also moved away from my kids' established community, so I know the guilt that you speak of. But you cannot be a pushover. Decide what your parameters are for playtime and then stick to it. I would also set a consequence for hassling you about it. For me, if I say no (or not right now) and a child doesn't accept that, they don't get to play that day. You have trained your kids to bug you till you cave. Now you are going to have to train them out of that.

[Alicia64]

I have a slightly different take on the situation. Until recently, there was a wonderful family of kids who lived down the street from us, and our kids all loved to play together. It soon became too much for me. Way, way too much. We would be driving home from somewhere and pass their house, and my kids would practically throw themselves out the window to get to their place. Weekends started with the doorbell ringing, lessons were rushed through just to get finished. I felt like my kids were missing out on the chance to be just by themselves and think. Or, just to play with one another.

 

Eventually, this family moved and it was terribly sad for all of us. However, there was this niggling little voice in my head that said, "Phew! Now it can be just my family on our own terms."

 

So, while my kids have many friends, and we typically get together with them on the weekends, our school week is no longer dominated by the stampede of neighbors.

 

YES! You nailed it on the head. This is us!!!!

 

And, I think the kids they play the most with are also moving in a few months, so maybe I'll also have a "phew" moment. Thanks!!

 

And, yes, I'm sure my kids are taking advantage of my mommy guilt.

 

And thank you to the twin mom! Gosh that's a difficult thing. I wonder if it's in my future?? I really wonder. I can see one boy being more attached than the other. And, yes, mine are twins too.

 

Alley

[Joyofsixreboot]

My kids are very social (as am I) so we play. ALOT. Luckily all their friends attend PS so we're done with school way before they are home. I'd just set some boundaries as others have said. When school is done play all you want.

[kkiller]

Have you read the book "Hold on to your Kids" by Gordon Neufield? It's about the issue of peer orientation in kids. Its been awhile since i read it, so I don't recall any specific suggestions for you, but it might be a relevant read.

 

:iagree:This was a good book - I just read it recently and found it very enlightening!

[Missouri Okie]

I also recommend the Neufeld book. He talks about wooing your children so they chose you over their peers. He'll lay out the reasons why it's important that kids are parent-oriented not peer-oriented. I've been in your place. A lot of the kids who come around are house are ps kids. Often, when the bus rolled around the corner, I would get the kids in the car and take them to the park, library, or whatever to break the cycle of them wanting to play with these children. The problem seems to have gotten better over the past year. They often spontaneously play in the yard with the neighbor hoods but are not allowed to leave our yard or go to other's houses.

[5wolfcubs]

5Cubs -- Wow! How do you keep track of the fact that we don't have TV??? That amazes me. I'm not able to keep track of many on here. I try, but I'm terrible at it.

 

I recognize you because we're new to VA as well. That and your avatar...I'm sure I'd know you if we were both at the same (crowded!) grocery store. :lol:

[LibraryLover]

My kids love to play. They loved to play with each other, and they love to have friends and family over. They plain love folks. They are always and forever ready for a party. I blame their father.

 

My FIL was the world's biggest schmooze. We couldn't go anywhere without meeting someone who had a story to tell about their convoluted past together. It was (RIP) a bit exhausting, but it was also very interesting. Even if he didn't know you, he had to talk with you, try to find some connection. He was the type to say, "Oh!! Your father was my cousin John's father's friend! They knew each other when they both were both in Africa, in Spain, in that bakery that burned down in 1967...you know, the one they bulldozed!, and built that restaurant with the fantastic bread? The one that went bankrupt in '82?___. Such a shame!"

 

My little acorns do not fall far from the tree. I think this is another one of those genetic things. I don't always understand it or relate to it, but I do think that energy helped to draw me to my dh. :auto:

Edited February 14, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Peela]

We did the same- no friends till after school and after lunch. The neighbourhood kids soon learned.

 

If you feel guilty...wouldn't you also feel guilty if your kids didn't get their schoolwork done?

 

Making playdates to me is different from having other kids in walking distance. I never made excessive playdates but the kids in the street are another thing altogether and I wouldn't tell my kids to stay at home if they had done their chores and schoolwork and the kids were knocking at the door or playing outside the window.

 

If it helps, my kids are very, very social beings- both extroverted and socially competent and nowadays I sometimes don't see them much for days as they are out and about. We are still close though. Homeschooling and lots of communication has made sure of that. I never felt much need to keep them at home more than homeschooling already naturally did.

[Alicia64]

Re-read Hold Onto Your Kids -- check.

 

Set firm boundaries -- check.

 

Thank you everyone. I needed all of your wisdom. My boys are also very social, but because I read Hold Onto Your Kids years ago, somewhere in the back of my mind I started becoming concerned with how intense the social "wanting" is.

 

I'm re-reading it this week.

 

Thanks again, everyone!

 

Lee -- I'm going to pm you!

 

Alley

[Haiku]

We have other homeschool kids in our complex and if they're out and playing -- I practically have to close the blinds and pretend nobody is outside or I'm hounded by my boys ("can we go out, please?? Please??)

 

 

I think that's totally normal. Who wants to be inside working or whatever when other kids are out playing? My suggestion would be to set a certain time every day that your kids can go outside (say, from 3-4:30) and play with the neighborhood kids. Nagging you at any other time equals forfeiture of the privilege.

 

Dh and I were just talking the other day about the relative lack of kids in our neighborhood, and honestly, I'm pretty glad about it. My dd16 (who goes to school) is ridiculously friend-focused (to the point that she once was so desperate to have someone over to spend the night that she asked me if she could invite a 13 year old girl whose name she didn't remember that she had recently met), regardless of the fact that we do not let her run around with friends all the time.

 

Tara