I am slowly being driven insane.

[Parrothead]

I have no idea the last time I was alone for more than just a few minutes at a time. Dd and I are together pretty much 24/7 during the week. Then dh comes home from work and wants to talk to me or just be with me. If I go switch out the laundry and am gone longer than 30 seconds he follows behind "making sure you're okay." I just want to scream LEAVE ME ALONE!

 

It has gotten to the point that dh is finding some reason to just go that the part of the house I'm in so he can "bump" into me or check up on me. He passes it off as concern for my well being.

 

I can't get away. He just left for a hair cut and left angry because he came upstairs to see if I was okay while I was in the bathroom putting on make up. I was furious and almost lost it.

 

I have tried talking to him and for some reason it has become worse after talking to him. I get help for things I don't need help with and it is starting to rub off on dd. I walked across the kitchen to the trash can. Dd stepped on the foot pedal to open the lid for me. I had to tell her to leave off I'm perfectly capable of putting stuff in the trash by my self.

 

Two weeks ago I tried getting up early (7:30a) and exercising. I realized that I can't go to bed at 10p. I finally know what causes my insomnia. I have to have that time in the late evening to be alone. I can't get up and be with people all day then go to bed with the same people and not get any time to recharge. I sabotaged myself and am now not getting the exercise anymore because it isn't as important to me as being awake and alone from 10p-12a.

 

What do I do? Dd went with dh and they will be gone for 3 hours. I dread them coming back. How do I make dh understand that it isn't personal? I don't know that he will get it because while introverted, he does not like to be on his own.

[Catwoman]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I don't think most non-homeschoolers realize what it's like to have no time to yourself. They think they do, but they don't. They have time alone in the car on the way to work. They see lots of different people during the day. They can go out for lunch by themselves. They can stop at the mall on the way home by themselves.

 

That's not always the case for us. Many of us are with our families 24/7, and rarely get a minute to relax and do whatever we want without an audience.

 

I'm up until 2 or 3am many nights, just to be alone for a while. I love my ds and dh more than anything, but sometimes I just need "me" time.

 

Cat

[Mejane]

Darnit, I don't know. My dh thinks I'm lonely since the kids are in dance six hours a day. He wants to keep me company; I wish he'd go away, too. As an introvert, "I just vant to be alone." ;)

[kalanamak]

I have no idea the last time I was alone for more than just a few minutes at a time. Dd and I are together pretty much 24/7 during the week. Then dh comes home from work and wants to talk to me or just be with me. If I go switch out the laundry and am gone longer than 30 seconds he follows behind "making sure you're okay." I just want to scream LEAVE ME ALONE!

 

It has gotten to the point that dh is finding some reason to just go that the part of the house I'm in so he can "bump" into me or check up on me. He passes it off as concern for my well being.

 

I can't get away. He just left for a hair cut and left angry because he came upstairs to see if I was okay while I was in the bathroom putting on make up. I was furious and almost lost it.

 

I have tried talking to him and for some reason it has become worse after talking to him. I get help for things I don't need help with and it is starting to rub off on dd. I walked across the kitchen to the trash can. Dd stepped on the foot pedal to open the lid for me. I had to tell her to leave off I'm perfectly capable of putting stuff in the trash by my self.

 

Two weeks ago I tried getting up early (7:30a) and exercising. I realized that I can't go to bed at 10p. I finally know what causes my insomnia. I have to have that time in the late evening to be alone. I can't get up and be with people all day then go to bed with the same people and not get any time to recharge. I sabotaged myself and am now not getting the exercise anymore because it isn't as important to me as being awake and alone from 10p-12a.

 

What do I do? Dd went with dh and they will be gone for 3 hours. I dread them coming back. How do I make dh understand that it isn't personal? I don't know that he will get it because while introverted, he does not like to be on his own.

 

Print this up, and leave it for him to read.

[Tarreymere]

I even have the dog following me from room to room. I get the DH thing too, and the kids and grandkids have to follow me as well. I spend a lot of time in my own head, and DH tries to follow me there, too. "What are you thinking? Why do you have that look on your face? Do you feel okay?" If I sit on the couch, at least two kids and the dog will sit ON me. If I go to the bathroom and shut the door, I can see the dog's nose at the bottom of the door, and hear at least one, usually more, humans breathing outside the door waiting for me. Sometimes they ask if I'm all right. DH is only happy if we are in the same room. The only ones that leave me alone are the adolescents. THEM I can't find. These people are lucky I like them.

I read alot. That way I get to leave and they can still sit on me. I would go crazy without books.

[Parrothead]

I even have the dog following me from room to room. I get the DH thing too, and the kids and grandkids have to follow me as well. I spend a lot of time in my own head, and DH tries to follow me there, too. "What are you thinking? Why do you have that look on your face? Do you feel okay?" If I sit on the couch, at least two kids and the dog will sit ON me. If I go to the bathroom and shut the door, I can see the dog's nose at the bottom of the door, and hear at least one, usually more, humans breathing outside the door waiting for me. Sometimes they ask if I'm all right. DH is only happy if we are in the same room. The only ones that leave me alone are the adolescents. THEM I can't find. These people are lucky I like them.

I read alot. That way I get to leave and they can still sit on me. I would go crazy without books.

Oh, the dog! Yes, him too. He bonded to me instead of dd like he was supposed to.

 

I've been telling dh lately "I"m not the leader." It truly is like follow the leader. It is getting so bad that he won't make a decision for himself.

[Mejane]

I tell my family I like the cat best because she's the only being in the house who isn't always looking for something from me. :D

[Lara in Colo]

For me, its less about the time alone, and more about the ability to have a thought that is not interrupted. I find if I don't have some time alone, I sneak it (breakfast is late because I was reading a book, or I take a long bath in the afternoon,). I also do not tend to be very interactive with the children. I'm always telling them to go away while I do "something" (hide in a book, the internet, baking). A little bit of alone time= more attention to the children. I'm trying to fing a balance. They get 100% of me for a time and I get 100% of me for a time. Perhaps your DH misses you and sees your grumpyness at no alone time as anger at something he's done. Try giving him 100% of you when you can and then you get your alone time. When we had more money, I would spend part of Sunday in the coffee shop with a book or a notepad. Perhaps you can find a sitter for a while each week. Remember nap time? Perhaps you should make dd have her own alone time (very healthy for her too) and you can have yours!! (maybe 1-2 every afternoon)

 

I am in the same boat with you, only I miss DH. He's only home on Sat evening and Sunday, and he usually falls asleep on the couch while I'm talking to him. I crave adult conversation! (and alone time!) Not enough time in the day for everything! I'l be thinking of you today and wishing you some peace of mind.

 

Lara

[Cricket]

For the last year dh has been home 24/7 with us. I used grocery shopping as my alone time. Now dh insists on going with me every time I go out. Now when I need alone time, I take a bath. Dh has starting mentioning that we need a bigger bathtub. :glare: It was hard at first but I'm starting to get used to it. I have always needed a lot of alone time. Maybe your dh needs some reassurance he isn't getting or something else? Not that it is your fault but some of us have different needs. My dh needs quality time connecting with me. More than I do. I have to make a conscious effort to make quality time with him, time when he has my undivided attention. Dh has learned that I do need alone time so although he jokes about the bathtub, I don't think he will actually get a bigger one....I hope. One thing that has worked for us is a compromise. I put the girls to bed and then get in the bath for an hour or so. He handles getting the boys to bed. I get out before he's asleep so we can visit. He likes me in bed with him when he goes to sleep. Sometimes I'll stay awake and watch TV or be on the computer. Then I'll go to sleep when I'm ready. I hope you can work out a compromise. :grouphug:

[elise1mds]

Ugh. I have no idea how to handle this one, but UGH. I hope you're able to get some TRULY ALONE time because I would absolutely snap if all that was happening to me. Good luck.

[Robin M]

You have alone time for 3 hours right now so take the time to enjoy it. Do what you want and recharge. Enjoy the quiet and hopefully you'll feel refreshed when they get back.

 

My husband is an extrovert and some nights he'll come home from work and talk and talk. I give him an hour, then tell him I need a break. He understands. We have discussed the difference between extroverts and introverts and each others needs. That is what you need to do with your family. Explain what you need. Give them what they need - attention and they will give you what you need - alone time. Communication is the biggest key. Their feelings won't be hurt. Believe me. Your husband needs to recharge when he gets home from work, give him the time to recharge and then ask for quiet time. Get the book Introvert Advantage - read it and discuss it with hubby. Get everyone on the same page, then things will work out..

 

Now -- Got get off the computer, sit down with your feet up and listen to the quiet. Absorb it, dwell in it, and recharge.

[Liz CA]

You need a weekend away - or at least an overnighter. Could you gently explain you need to recharge your batteries and you are going to pick a nice little hotel in a nice little spot, take your favorite book(s) and spend 2 days there. (You cannot let yourself be tempted to never return, though!!!)

[Parrothead]

You need a weekend away - or at least an overnighter. Could you gently explain you need to recharge your batteries and you are going to pick a nice little hotel in a nice little spot, take your favorite book(s) and spend 2 days there. (You cannot let yourself be tempted to never return, though!!!)

Sounds like Heaven. But unrealistic.

 

When they get home, dh is going to sit down and listen to me. Otherwise I may need bail money for doing this > :smash:

[Gratia271]

I empathize with you. Hopefully, he will listen to you and find some ways to give you space. :001_smile:

[HS Mom in NC]

Have you ever just said to your spouse, "I would like time alone. Let's figure out a time that works for everyone." and then worked on scheduling it? Make SURE you specify a specific time frame. Are you expecting him to some how know you want time alone if you have not said so specifically? If you have said so specifically, has he minimized or disregarded it? Have you asked him to pick something he would enjoy with the kids away from the house for a day or afternoon so you can have some time to yourself? Doesn't he have realtives he can visit? Go to the park with lunch from Subway and some kites? The public pool? Hiking? The movies? Long bike rides? A zoo membership? Rocket launching in the park? Meeting friends with kids somewhere?

 

Have you told your child(ren) "Now it's time for you to entertain yourselves. Go find something to do on your own. Don't come get me unless it's an emergency." My 5 year old would like me to interact with her all day long every day. That's not real life. In real life interaction comes in ebbs and flows. If your child and/or spouse does not intuit this, then they have to be told straight out. Telling someone something straight out that they didn't intuit isn't mean. It's what they need. You can say it in a pleasant tone, but it may just need to be said.

 

It takes a while for some kids to learn this. You may have to enforce it for a while before the kid gets the hang of it. You may have to say a few minutes later, because they found a reason to come talk to you, after you already told them to entertain themselves, "I'm not chatting with you now. I chatted with you earlier and I will chat with you later. Right now, you are going to do something on your own. You choose what you do, or I will choose it for you." I've had to steer my youngest into her room or playroom and say, "Find something to do now and don't follow me out." She does just fine now. It's rocky in the beginning, but firm consistent follow through makes it easier.

[JessReplanted]

I often feel the same way. One solution that I've found is something I read here: "Quiet Time" - make time during the day when your kids have to go to their rooms and leave you alone. An hour and a half or 2 hours of "quiet time" makes a big difference. ;) I also put the kids to bed early, and let the older one 'read' for an extra hour - which means that 'my time' starts earlier.

[Sasharowan]

I had to tell them flat out. I need alone time to recharge and either they go to bed and sleep or read at a decent hour or I am leaving the house on weekends and spending the day out away from everyone without my cell or I will go nuts. Dh gets to leave for work every morning and can stop whereever he feels on the way home. The kids get to go off to their rooms or outside mostly without being followed (the 4yo tends to notice when someone doesn't want him around and will bother that one the most). If the kids get really desperate, they arrange a sleepover at Grandma's. But I had to tell them Go Away, Go sleep or read, let me have some quiet. It's not as bad now that the kids are older and can take turns entertaining the 4yo. But for a while there, oldest ds thought that the fact that the other kids were in bed meant that it was his turn for mom and would try to have deep conversations when my brain was hearing "wah, wah, wah" like on Charlie Brown.

[StephanieZ]

I'm an introvert, and I hear you!! I, too, stay up late to get that silent time. Ohh, so peaceful. :)

 

To get out of the stay-up-too-late trap, I'd just force my arse out of bed in the morning, force it onto the treadmill or out the door. . . Do that every dang day until the sleep-deprivation-and-exercise-induced-exhaustion & peace-of-mind-from-exercise-and-ME-time-while-doing-it do their magic & help you happily fall into bed at a decent hour. Trust me; it works. Do it for one week. Just 7 days. If it doesn't work better than what you're doing now, then drop it, fine. But just TRY it. (This is exactly what I had to do! I just made a No Excuses rule & got up even when I'd only been asleep for 4 hours!)

 

Can you leave your 11 yo alone for an hour during the day so you can exercise?

 

She's old enough that you should be able to tell her you need mommy-time. . . for exercise or just for rest/peace/Me time.

 

Can you take an hour or two each afternoon of quiet in-your-room reading time for each of you? I am pretty sure SWB & JW advise this in WTM!

 

Can you schedule exercise time when your dh is home & YOU leave the house? I go for runs alone or with friends several times a week. Sometimes quickie 60-90 min runs from the house, other times excursions to various paths/trails that might take me 3 hrs or more in drive time plus exercise time. Dh is *very* accomodating to this new & healthy habit.

 

FWIW, when dh is not home, I blithely leave the kids at home alone when I go run as well. (I don't leave the 8 yo alone, but will leave her with either/both my 11 or 14 yo.)

 

I find that the exercise both gives me serious alone time, but is also *insanely* good for my equanimity. I am so much calmer & more resilient when I am getting good exercise.

 

Don't flip out on your dh. You need your time, but don't get it that way. Dhs are fragile, too . . . Maybe you should take 30 min of ME time (in the bath? on the treadmill? on a walk?) right before dh is scheduled to get home each day to freshen you? Also, can you give him 5-10 min of undivided attention when he arrives home? I have found this very encouraging/affirming to my dh at times when we were both very stressed. . .

[Peela]

My alone time is so essential to my mental and emotional health that despite dh and ds in particular wanting me to be "on tap" al the time, I simple withdraw - either I jsut go for walks, or withdraw to my bedroom.

I get my alone time in the early mornings rather than the evenings, but I get it then too.

 

I trained my kids from a young age to let me be sometimes. I do not think a mother needs to be continually available- she has every right to take space. Even when homeschooling.

 

Afternoon naps are another way I take space.

 

Just do it. THey will get over their pain of feeling rejected and taking it personally. Its your life- do what you need to do to take care of yourself- so that then when you are with them you can be present and friendly rather than seething in resentment.

 

GIve yourself permission to upset them and take care of yourself- because in the long run it is the best thing to do. ANd they will survive and forgive you and even recognise that you have needs too.

[Parrothead]

Have you ever just said to your spouse, "I would like time alone. Let's figure out a time that works for everyone." and then worked on scheduling it? Make SURE you specify a specific time frame. Are you expecting him to some how know you want time alone if you have not said so specifically? If you have said so specifically, has he minimized or disregarded it? Have you asked him to pick something he would enjoy with the kids away from the house for a day or afternoon so you can have some time to yourself? Doesn't he have realtives he can visit? Go to the park with lunch from Subway and some kites? The public pool? Hiking? The movies? Long bike rides? A zoo membership? Rocket launching in the park? Meeting friends with kids somewhere?

 

Have you told your child(ren) "Now it's time for you to entertain yourselves. Go find something to do on your own. Don't come get me unless it's an emergency." My 5 year old would like me to interact with her all day long every day. That's not real life. In real life interaction comes in ebbs and flows. If your child and/or spouse does not intuit this, then they have to be told straight out. Telling someone something straight out that they didn't intuit isn't mean. It's what they need. You can say it in a pleasant tone, but it may just need to be said.

 

It takes a while for some kids to learn this. You may have to enforce it for a while before the kid gets the hang of it. You may have to say a few minutes later, because they found a reason to come talk to you, after you already told them to entertain themselves, "I'm not chatting with you now. I chatted with you earlier and I will chat with you later. Right now, you are going to do something on your own. You choose what you do, or I will choose it for you." I've had to steer my youngest into her room or playroom and say, "Find something to do now and don't follow me out." She does just fine now. It's rocky in the beginning, but firm consistent follow through makes it easier.

Dh is one of "those dads. His idea of fun is watching television. He did not have a father figure growing up so he doesn't have a clue. I can't count the times I've told him that he needs to spend quality time with his dd. It doesn't happen. If I mention rockets in the park, he'd look at me like I lost my mind.

 

Dd is not much of my problem. Yes, being with her 24/7 is a bit trying, but only a bit. It is worse in the winter because we cannot get outside much. I think it is a different dynamic having only one. She can't just go hang with a brother or sister. And doing math problems for 45 minutes then reading for 45 minutes is pretty much the same as quite time.

I had to tell them flat out. I need alone time to recharge and either they go to bed and sleep or read at a decent hour or I am leaving the house on weekends and spending the day out away from everyone without my cell or I will go nuts. Dh gets to leave for work every morning and can stop whereever he feels on the way home. The kids get to go off to their rooms or outside mostly without being followed (the 4yo tends to notice when someone doesn't want him around and will bother that one the most). If the kids get really desperate, they arrange a sleepover at Grandma's. But I had to tell them Go Away, Go sleep or read, let me have some quiet. It's not as bad now that the kids are older and can take turns entertaining the 4yo. But for a while there, oldest ds thought that the fact that the other kids were in bed meant that it was his turn for mom and would try to have deep conversations when my brain was hearing "wah, wah, wah" like on Charlie Brown.

Dh doesn't get it. I had a meeting on Monday and did not leave the house from 5:15p Monday evening until 4:50 Friday evening. :001_huh: I'm wondering if my problem is a combination of not being alone and not leaving the house. But there is nowhere I really want to do. I could have done the after dinner run to pick up the Timbits this evening, but I did not want to leave the house because of the cold.

[Parrothead]

I'm an introvert, and I hear you!! I, too, stay up late to get that silent time. Ohh, so peaceful. :)

 

To get out of the stay-up-too-late trap, I'd just force my arse out of bed in the morning, force it onto the treadmill or out the door. . . Do that every dang day until the sleep-deprivation-and-exercise-induced-exhaustion & peace-of-mind-from-exercise-and-ME-time-while-doing-it do their magic & help you happily fall into bed at a decent hour. Trust me; it works. Do it for one week. Just 7 days. If it doesn't work better than what you're doing now, then drop it, fine. But just TRY it. (This is exactly what I had to do! I just made a No Excuses rule & got up even when I'd only been asleep for 4 hours!)

I did that for a week two weeks ago. I'd get up and have 20 minutes to myself. Yeah, that didn't work. It was eye-opening and I do now know why my sleep is sabotaged. It does need to change.

Can you leave your 11 yo alone for an hour during the day so you can exercise?

No. I think if we had lived in the same house in the same neighborhood all her life that might be different. We've been in this house just over a year and she is finally starting to get comfortable with being alone for 5 minutes or so. I tried running up and down the road last week, but she called twice while I was out there.

She's old enough that you should be able to tell her you need mommy-time. . . for exercise or just for rest/peace/Me time.

It is just the two of us rattling around in this house during the day. If I spend the hour and a half upstairs that she uses to do math and reading it would be the same as quite time. But it doesn't feel the same. There is that at any moment she could need me for something. So no total withdrawal is achieved.

Can you take an hour or two each afternoon of quiet in-your-room reading time for each of you? I am pretty sure SWB & JW advise this in WTM!

Maybe if we had the time. It is a pretty tight schedule now that dd is no longer in lower grades. We've just got time on Mondays to get school work done before dance. Tuesdays are spend finishing up Monday and doing Tuesday work. We do school until time to start dinner. Wednesdays are the same but dinner needs to be stared earlier so dd can dance for two hours. Thursday is tai chi class. Friday is the little girls club I volunteered for this year.

Can you schedule exercise time when your dh is home & YOU leave the house? I go for runs alone or with friends several times a week. Sometimes quickie 60-90 min runs from the house, other times excursions to various paths/trails that might take me 3 hrs or more in drive time plus exercise time. Dh is *very* accomodating to this new & healthy habit.

It is dark by the time dh is home until the time change this spring. I can see Canada from my house. *snort* Sorry. We are pretty far north so it is dark by 4:40.

FWIW, when dh is not home, I blithely leave the kids at home alone when I go run as well. (I don't leave the 8 yo alone, but will leave her with either/both my 11 or 14 yo.)

 

I find that the exercise both gives me serious alone time, but is also *insanely* good for my equanimity. I am so much calmer & more resilient when I am getting good exercise.

I'm looking forward to spring.

Don't flip out on your dh. You need your time, but don't get it that way. Dhs are fragile, too . . . Maybe you should take 30 min of ME time (in the bath? on the treadmill? on a walk?) right before dh is scheduled to get home each day to freshen you? Also, can you give him 5-10 min of undivided attention when he arrives home? I have found this very encouraging/affirming to my dh at times when we were both very stressed. . .

I can see it is time for a talk again soon. Nothing was discussed this evening when they came home. I didn't want an argument. I just *know* no matter how I bring it up there will be an argument.

[Parrothead]

My alone time is so essential to my mental and emotional health that despite dh and ds in particular wanting me to be "on tap" al the time, I simple withdraw - either I jsut go for walks, or withdraw to my bedroom.

If I say I'm going for a walk it is like I waved a magic wand and conjured up willing and eager companions. I tried going up to read on evening about two months ago. I was followed up, checked on and otherwise interrupted so many times it was worthless.

 

I get my alone time in the early mornings rather than the evenings, but I get it then too.

 

I trained my kids from a young age to let me be sometimes. I do not think a mother needs to be continually available- she has every right to take space. Even when homeschooling.

I don't have so much "up under foot" from dd. She has just learned how to manage for the most part. And I'm one that does not believe it is my job to continually entertain her. It would drive me mad to play Barbies.

Afternoon naps are another way I take space.

 

Just do it. THey will get over their pain of feeling rejected and taking it personally. Its your life- do what you need to do to take care of yourself- so that then when you are with them you can be present and friendly rather than seething in resentment.

I"m going to have to. It will be ugly. Dh is so resistant to change. The last talk seems to have backfired. It may even have become the cause of this dissatisfaction I feel of late.

GIve yourself permission to upset them and take care of yourself- because in the long run it is the best thing to do. ANd they will survive and forgive you and even recognise that you have needs too.

Thanks.

[Parrothead]

I don't know. I've become really good at tuning everything out. Really, my zoning out is so effective that sometimes I have to force myself to pay attention to people. I really think this has been a coping mechanism for no alone time.

 

:grouphug:

I can do that too. To the point that I won't hear anything.

[DianeW88]

What if when you announced that you were going for a walk and your family wanted to join you, you simply said, "No. I want to go alone. I'll see you when I get back."

 

No alone time during the day would drive me BONKERS!

[Caitilin]

PH, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:. I wish I could wave the magic wand, and you could get what you so clearly need.

 

I don't understand, though, why every time you bring this up with dh it becomes a fight. Why would he feel he needs to check on you if you're quietly reading in your room? Is he lonely? Worried? I am genuinely puzzled. This seems to me to be abnormally into togetherness, and I am a very "togetherish" person, especially with my dh.

 

I am trying to think of things you could go do that would be quiet. Could you go have a holy hour/Adoration time? Or just go sit in the church? Are you in town, or is everything a drive away?

 

I understand about not wanting to go out in the cold, but I personally could NEVER stay at home for a whole week like that--I'd be insane! :grouphug:

 

I hope you and dh can get this worked out soon. I will be praying for you tonight.:grouphug:

[Unicorn.]

Chucki, not only do I think we have the same dh, but the same life. Right down to the insomnia. I could have written this post. I finally got so fed up w/ dh following me around the other day, asking me if everything was ok, or "is there anything wrong", that I finally looked at him and said "The only thing wrong, is that you keep asking me what is wrong!" He finally quit, but Oy!

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[KidsHappen]

Is there a reason that he keeps checking on you? If find this a little strange. My hubby does it too but it is because I am disabled and really do need to be checked on every now and then to make sure I didn't slip, fall or in some other way hurt myself. As long as I am sitting at my computer, reading or crocheting he will give me a little time alone probably so that I don't feel totally incompetent. When he is out of town, the phone is ringing off the hook with people checking on me and everytime I have any kind of problem what-so-ever my kids are asking if they should call dad. I know that they do it because they love me and worry about me but honestly, sometimes it drives me crazy. I am sure that has something to do with my insomnia as well. It is the only time I have to myself. Have to go right now as hubby is IMing me. :001_smile:

[mommaduck]

:grouphug: I used to want to runaway. To help with that, I had an agreement with Dh that I would go to Borders/Barnes&Noble once a month for a few hours, by myself, and with enough money to get me an iced chai.