Jealousy? What do you do about it?

[ChristusG]

My 6 year old is endlessly jealous of her younger sister. She's jealous of things that she need not even be jealous of. She is acting in ways that are completely opposite of all I have taught her. I've always taught my children to be thankful for what they have, etc. And of course, I always treat them equally. This has only begun within the past 6 months and it continues to get increasingly worse. She's about to make me lose my mind. Reasoning does not work with her....it will work with my other daughter, but not with this one.

 

Let me give you a few scenarios:

 

Scenario #1 - Last night she spent the night at my parents house, which is something that she loves to do. When she got home today she realized that her little sister had leftover pizza for lunch (leftover take-out from what her dad ate last night for dinner). There was no more pizza left. She began crying because her sister had pizza for lunch and she didn't. I tried to tell her that she got to do something special by spending the night with Mimi and Poppy, but the crying continued.

 

Scenario #2 - Last weekend my SIL brought gifts over for the kids. My 6 year old received something that she had been wanting for months...Squinkies. She was very happy. My 3 year old received something (a Teacup Piggy) that I knew would she would never play with. So I took her to Toys R Us the next day (dd6 was not with us at the time), we returned the piggy, and I allowed her to choose a toy....she chose a few Chuggington trains. We get home and DD6 has a meltdown because now her sister has more Chuggington trains than she does. She wailed and wailed about how she no longer wanted the Squinkies but wanted to get Chuggington trains. Suddenly, the Squinkies were not good enough anymore because her sister now has more trains than she does.

 

Scenario #3 - My parents planned some Christmas activities for the girls. One was musical chairs where we all played...adults included. DD6 was the second person out. She wailed. Then she wailed again when her little sister ended up winning the game.

 

She wails if her sister gets to the front door first and opens it when we get home. She wails if she thinks her sister got a bigger dinner roll than she did. She wailed on her sisters birthday because her sister got gifts and she didn't. She got upset today because I mentioned that when her sister accomplishes potty training (yes, we are having potty training issues over here....she's nearly 4, UGH), then she can go to the store and choose a toy....just like she did when she potty trained. She wailed because she wouldn't be getting a toy too. The girls opened stocking gifts and my 3 year old got a Rapunzel book and my 6 year old got a Marley book. She LOVES Marley, yet she was upset because she didn't get the exact same Rapunzel book as her sister. I tried to explain that it would be silly for us to have two of the same book in the house, but she wouldn't hear of it. Her main concern in life is to make sure she receives equal to or better than her sister.

 

Oh. My. Heck. I'm losing my mind.

 

I try to teach my girls that jealousy is not an attractive trait. I explain that Jesus teaches directly against it in the Bible. I tell her it's not nice to act this way....we should be happy for others when good things happen to them. I explain that life is not always equal. This child acts as though I favor my 3 year old and that she gets the short end of the stick all the time. In the musical chairs game that I mentioned above, she even went as far as to claim that her aunt (the one stopping the music) cheated and was peeking and purposely stopped the music when she knew that DD wouldn't be able to get into a chair and would get out. HUH???!!!! Riiiight sweetie, your aunt is out to get you.

 

I don't even know how to discipline this. This is certainly not the person that I want her to be. Jealousy is such an ugly quality.

[Remudamom]

Mercy. I'd tell her if she couldn't be thankful for what she had I'd take that away from her too. And I might warm her butt up a bit while I'm at it.

[Nakia]

:grouphug: I don't have much advice. Have you read Siblings without Rivalry? I like that book. I don't know how to tell you to discipline it or get to the heart of it. I just wanted to send some hugs your way. I bet you will get some great advice here!

 

ETA: I think I actually do have a bit of advice. I think I would take away the things she isn't thankful for. If she doesn't want her Squinkies anymore, take them from her. Make her thankful for what she has. And keep communicating with her. You are right that jealousy is an ugly trait and so is manipulation, which is what I consider whining and wailing to be. Don't give in when she whines and wails.

Edited December 29, 2010 by Nakia

[dangermom]

Oh my heck, I would be going insane too. I don't actually know what to do about this--my first instinct is to come down hard on it because it would make me so mad! Probably that wouldn't be good. So I just want to sympathize with you.

 

(Like, with the Squinkies, my instinct would be to take those and the trains away for a week or something. Pretty much every time, I would take away whatever she had that she was wailing about. But I don't know that that would actually be a good plan.)

[AK_Mom4]

It may just be an over-emotional stage for her. At least, you can hope so, because it would mean she would probably grow out of it soon!

 

I think you should handle it the way you would any other impoliteness - call her on how rude her behavior is and remove her from the scene if she doesn't knock it off immediately and apologize. Don't explain or try to reason with her (especially since it doesn't work anyway :tongue_smilie:).

[kalanamak]

I wouldn't call this jealousy, I would call it selfishness, and I, personally, would deal with it materialistically. Toy X is no longer good enough? Fine, it gets donated to unfortunate children. Kiddo lost a total of 2 toys before he learned to let "sleeping dogs lie". No extra attention, no reasoning, rationalizing or pleading. Once behavior is good again, resume the joy and friendliness without a word about the fit. Fits, btw, are done in another room, as we have our eardrums to think of.

 

When I had my niece and nephew, I went a little bit out of my way to do something a bit extra fun while the fit-thrower (or pouter) was in action.

[Plink]

Ignore it - very pointedly look her in the eye, tell her to behave kindly, and then don't discuss it any more. Not even to repeat the "cut it out" command. If (okay, when) she wails, walk away or tell her to go elsewhere so that she won't interrupt everyone else.

 

My oldest went through this, and her major issue was wanting to be the center of attention. Whining and crying achieved her goal - she got attention. We would stop what we were doing to discuss it with her and she liked that, even if it was all negative. When we started being firm with her and not allowing her to steal attention for herself, she settled down.

[JessieC]

Oh goodness, I don't know, but it sounds familiar. My 5yo dd and 3yo ds are constantly fighting about who has the best color plate, the most grapes, and so on. I think 5yo thinks that she deserves the most and best of everything because she is older so can often manipulate a situation to her benefit.

 

FWIW, we just read "Mrs. Piggle Wiggle" and the last chapter deals with this issue. We read the chapter last night, and I noticed that 5yo was trying harder to be agreeable today. The couple of times that she pointed out that 3yo had more of whatever, I said "You sound like Joan and Anne" (from the book) and she backed down. One time she said she thought we should read it one or two more times to really get it right. :)

 

Jessica

[Mimm]

I have two girls 18 months apart. I've been there SO many times I can't even say. :) I remember once when they both asked for a drink of my Dr. Pepper and then argued over who got the bigger drink! According to Imogen, she only took a "drink" while Genevieve took a "gulp" and was thus entitled to a "sip" to even out the difference. (So gulp>drink>sip, apparently. I wonder how much a slurp is? :glare:) And so, yes, I had to listen to this big discussion which quickly dissolved into a meltdown. And this is only one tiny incident that had me going :confused::confused::confused:.

 

And no, I don't have a magical solution for you. You just keep talking about it, keep saying that that type of thing is inappropriate and how they are both very blessed in different ways and have no right to complain. I once had a discussion that went something like this:

 

Me: "If I gave you a piece of gum, would you be happy?"

Kid: "Yes."

Me: "If I gave you a piece of gum and then gave your sister two pieces of gum, would you be happy?"

Kid: "No!"

Me: "Why not?"

Kid: "That's not fair. She would have more than me!"

Me: "But you would have the same as before. Does her two pieces of gum suck the yumminess and joy from your gum?"

Kid: "No, but it's still not fair."

Me: "So? If a piece of gum brings you joy, it should bring you joy no matter what other people have."

 

I didn't totally convince her but she couldn't really argue with that. :)

[fairfarmhand]

 

 

Me: "If I gave you a piece of gum, would you be happy?"

Kid: "Yes."

Me: "If I gave you a piece of gum and then gave your sister two pieces of gum, would you be happy?"

Kid: "No!"

Me: "Why not?"

Kid: "That's not fair. She would have more than me!"

Me: "But you would have the same as before. Does her two pieces of gum suck the yumminess and joy from your gum?"

Kid: "No, but it's still not fair."

Me: "So? If a piece of gum brings you joy, it should bring you joy no matter what other people have."

 

I didn't totally convince her but she couldn't really argue with that. :)

 

 

Isn't there a parable in the Bible like this?

 

Really your older daughter is trying to manipulate life into "fairness" or equality. I would not discuss it any more. When she started in on the whining. I'd simply address it as whining. "Stop whining or go to your room." no explanations, arguments, etc.

[unsinkable]

Everyone else has good advice that I like but in addition to that:

 

Is she getting enough sleep?

 

Maybe she is sick? Hungry? Growth spurt?

 

Some things to think about.

[jld]

It might just be a phase she is going through. How about talking with her about it, saying it seems like she is jealous a lot of her sister, and why is that? I don't know your daughter, but some kids can already verbalize a lot at 6, if they are sincerely asked, and patiently listened to.

[BikeBookBread]

:svengo: I could've written this post. You know what Christy? I was actually coming onto the boards to write a post about PDG's insane jealousy of LLL's birthday the day after tomorrow.

 

They are 22 months apart. Is this somewhat of a common thing for siblings so close in age?

[ChristusG]

:grouphug: I don't have much advice. Have you read Siblings without Rivalry? I like that book. I don't know how to tell you to discipline it or get to the heart of it. I just wanted to send some hugs your way. I bet you will get some great advice here!

 

QUOTE]

 

No, I haven't read it but I've heard good things about it. I think I'll see if it can be delivered to the Kindle app on my iPhone....I'll go look at that now.

 

I wouldn't call this jealousy, I would call it selfishness, and I, personally, would deal with it materialistically. QUOTE]

 

I agree....definitely selfishness too.

 

 

I have two girls 18 months apart. I've been there SO many times I can't even say. :) I remember once when they both asked for a drink of my Dr. Pepper and then argued over who got the bigger drink! According to Imogen, she only took a "drink" while Genevieve took a "gulp" and was thus entitled to a "sip" to even out the difference. (So gulp>drink>sip, apparently. I wonder how much a slurp is? :glare:) And so, yes, I had to listen to this big discussion which quickly dissolved into a meltdown. And this is only one tiny incident that had me going :confused::confused::confused:.

 

And no, I don't have a magical solution for you. You just keep talking about it, keep saying that that type of thing is inappropriate and how they are both very blessed in different ways and have no right to complain. I once had a discussion that went something like this:

 

Me: "If I gave you a piece of gum, would you be happy?"

Kid: "Yes."

Me: "If I gave you a piece of gum and then gave your sister two pieces of gum, would you be happy?"

Kid: "No!"

Me: "Why not?"

Kid: "That's not fair. She would have more than me!"

Me: "But you would have the same as before. Does her two pieces of gum suck the yumminess and joy from your gum?"

Kid: "No, but it's still not fair."

Me: "So? If a piece of gum brings you joy, it should bring you joy no matter what other people have."

 

I didn't totally convince her but she couldn't really argue with that. :)

 

Oh my gosh....I think you've been in MY household LOL! I've heard lots of arguments very similar to that one!

 

Everyone else has good advice that I like but in addition to that:

 

Is she getting enough sleep?

 

Maybe she is sick? Hungry? Growth spurt?

 

Some things to think about.

 

No...not sick, hungry, or growth spurt....this has been going on for months. As far as sleeping, this child is like the energizer bunny. She's not hyper or anything like that, she just doesn't like to sleep. And she functions fine on less sleep than what I think she needs. Well...fine aside from the jealousy LOL. She's always been my strong willed child.

 

It might just be a phase she is going through. How about talking with her about it, saying it seems like she is jealous a lot of her sister, and why is that? I don't know your daughter, but some kids can already verbalize a lot at 6, if they are sincerely asked, and patiently listened to.

 

Please, yes, I hope it is just a phase. I think I'll ask her about why she feels she needs everything better than her sister.

 

:svengo: I could've written this post. You know what Christy? I was actually coming onto the boards to write a post about PDG's insane jealousy of LLL's birthday the day after tomorrow.

 

They are 22 months apart. Is this somewhat of a common thing for siblings so close in age?

 

That is CRAZY LOL! I feel for you....this is not a fun boat to be in LOL.

 

 

Thanks everyone for your advice! I guess I'll just keep talking to her about it.....keep taking away the material things that she's upset about. But the non material things, like the pizza, I don't know. I guess I'll just treat that as whining. I try to banish whiners to the bedroom as often as I can. When we are out and about, that's harder to do. And she's a whiner all day long. It's hard to banish a whiner while walking through Target or while out to dinner LOL.

[FriedClams]

I wouldn't call this jealousy, I would call it selfishness, and I, personally, would deal with it materialistically. Toy X is no longer good enough? Fine, it gets donated to unfortunate children. Kiddo lost a total of 2 toys before he learned to let "sleeping dogs lie". No extra attention, no reasoning, rationalizing or pleading. Once behavior is good again, resume the joy and friendliness without a word about the fit. Fits, btw, are done in another room, as we have our eardrums to think of.

 

When I had my niece and nephew, I went a little bit out of my way to do something a bit extra fun while the fit-thrower (or pouter) was in action.

 

I agree. That's what I would do. "You have more grapes, waahhh". Grapes into the trash. Or mom's plate.

 

We also had a "fit room" - the bathroom. Cry there. Then come out and take your time out for being a pill. Only took 1 or 2 trips.

[texasmama]

Is she like this only with her sister? If others (a cousin, playmate, neighbor kid) get "more", does she act like this? How are her social skills/sharing/friendships with others?

 

(Cuz I like to ask a lot of questions. lol)

 

I would immediately stop all of the explanations of how her lot in life is really just fine. They don't convince her and only make you tired.:tongue_smilie: Every time she begins to act this way, send her to her room with as little fanfare as possible. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

When my kids pull the "it's not fair" card, I say, "No, it's not. Life is not fair." with little emotion.

[Joanne]

Is she like this only with her sister? If others (a cousin, playmate, neighbor kid) get "more", does she act like this? How are her social skills/sharing/friendships with others?

 

(Cuz I like to ask a lot of questions. lol)

 

I would immediately stop all of the explanations of how her lot in life is really just fine. They don't convince her and only make you tired.:tongue_smilie: Every time she begins to act this way, send her to her room with as little fanfare as possible. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

When my kids pull the "it's not fair" card, I say, "No, it's not. Life is not fair." with little emotion.

 

 

This.

 

In your OP, you talk about treating them equally. I'd encourage you to stop trying. And I'd definitely encourage you to stop trying to convince her that you *do* treat them equally. I think that by offering a "counter" or a "rebuttal", you invite her to get entrenched. She's not going to see the sleepover when leftover pizza has been eaten! :lol:

 

I'd absolutely:

 

Take away the item(s) she wanted until something else came along.

 

Banish or isolate all whining behavior. (Without lectures, talking or even scripture).

 

Start a gratitude journal to do with her every night - she needs to think of and write 3 things she is grateful for.

 

Consider finding a service opportunity for her of some kind (yes, I see she's young).

[fairfarmhand]

 

 

 

 

Thanks everyone for your advice! I guess I'll just keep talking to her about it.....keep taking away the material things that she's upset about. But the non material things, like the pizza, I don't know. I guess I'll just treat that as whining. I try to banish whiners to the bedroom as often as I can. When we are out and about, that's harder to do. And she's a whiner all day long. It's hard to banish a whiner while walking through Target or while out to dinner LOL.

 

 

the oath of silence works when we are " out".

 

this consists of mom getting down at eye level, face to face with the offending child and saying very firmly. "DO. NOT. SAY. ANOTHER. WORD. until I give you permission."

[Lisa in Jax]

Two quick ideas:

 

1. In my house, whining = naptime, b/c if you're so tired that you're whiny, you *must* need sleep, right? So, whining immediately earns a calm, "Oh, boy, you're whining. Time for a nap. Love you!" and an escort (if necessary) to bed. (There was no discussion about it, whining = naptime, without further ado. Whining ended after only about three "naps," when the kids realized that whining got the same response (and no discussion) every.single.time. ;-)

 

2. If she wants fair, give her FAIR. Give her EXACTLY the same things her sister gets -- EXACTLY. Put her to bed when you put her little sister down, give her books/toys for a three-year-old, the same choices (or lack thereof) that a 3-year-old gets, the same bedtime (earlier?), the same tv, the same activities, the same foods, etc. She'll lose any privileges she'd normally have as the older child, b/c she "wants things to be FAIR." Let her live with "fair" for a day or so, and see if she misses being the "big" sister who gets more choices/activities/freedom than her sister. Don't explain it or discuss it. If she's like my daughter, pretty soon, she'll say, "but it's not FAIR that I don't get to do/see/choose X, b/c I'm bigger/older," or "but I like purple grapes, not bananas, like Sister," and you'll have a chance to explain that she can't have it both ways. If she wants things "fair," it cuts both ways. If she wants privileges and choices, things can't be matched exactly.

 

Finally, it's common to be very concerned about fairness as a 6-year-old -- it's developmentally normal, in fact. So, she will likely outgrow it. However, to make it less of an issue, you might try telling her what Ds's kindergarten teacher taught the kids from day one: "You get what you get, and you don't fuss a bit." ;-)

 

Lisa

[IsabelC]

Me: "If I gave you a piece of gum, would you be happy?"

Kid: "Yes."

Me: "If I gave you a piece of gum and then gave your sister two pieces of gum, would you be happy?"

Kid: "No!"

Me: "Why not?"

Kid: "That's not fair. She would have more than me!"

Me: "But you would have the same as before. Does her two pieces of gum suck the yumminess and joy from your gum?"

Kid: "No, but it's still not fair."

Me: "So? If a piece of gum brings you joy, it should bring you joy no matter what other people have."

 

Great example, but the problem is, most people do feel just like that. It has been shown by more than one researcher that the average adult would rather earn $60K while everyone else earns $50K than earn $80K while everyone else earns $100K. (Figures might be wrong, I don't have the source in front of me.) Jealousy / covetousness / whatever is really common!

 

What I do is separate how we feel from what we do and say. The feeling is something that can be worked on over time, by practicing gratitude for all we have and feeling happy about others getting / achieving something that's nice for them. But what we say and do is something that needs to be controlled immediately, so we will ask them to use a friendly voice, or not say such and such, etc.

 

With most issues, we do a huge amount of explaining and discussing with the kids. But the "it's not fair" is one exception where we tend to stifle debate, because we just don't get anywhere with it! (Eg ds age 7 whinged that his 2yo sister gets more time being held by me. I pointed out that she is little and likes to be carried, and breastfeeds, and that he used to be breastfed and carried around when he was little. His answer? I should have looked after him less when he was little, apparently!)

[Aggie]

Two quick ideas:

 

1. In my house, whining = naptime, b/c if you're so tired that you're whiny, you *must* need sleep, right? So, whining immediately earns a calm, "Oh, boy, you're whining. Time for a nap. Love you!" and an escort (if necessary) to bed. (There was no discussion about it, whining = naptime, without further ado. Whining ended after only about three "naps," when the kids realized that whining got the same response (and no discussion) every.single.time. ;-)

 

2. If she wants fair, give her FAIR. Give her EXACTLY the same things her sister gets -- EXACTLY. Put her to bed when you put her little sister down, give her books/toys for a three-year-old, the same choices (or lack thereof) that a 3-year-old gets, the same bedtime (earlier?), the same tv, the same activities, the same foods, etc. She'll lose any privileges she'd normally have as the older child, b/c she "wants things to be FAIR." Let her live with "fair" for a day or so, and see if she misses being the "big" sister who gets more choices/activities/freedom than her sister. Don't explain it or discuss it. If she's like my daughter, pretty soon, she'll say, "but it's not FAIR that I don't get to do/see/choose X, b/c I'm bigger/older," or "but I like purple grapes, not bananas, like Sister," and you'll have a chance to explain that she can't have it both ways. If she wants things "fair," it cuts both ways. If she wants privileges and choices, things can't be matched exactly.

 

Finally, it's common to be very concerned about fairness as a 6-year-old -- it's developmentally normal, in fact. So, she will likely outgrow it. However, to make it less of an issue, you might try telling her what Ds's kindergarten teacher taught the kids from day one: "You get what you get, and you don't fuss a bit." ;-)

 

Lisa

 

I was just going to post your second point, Lisa! I don't know how it would work with a 6yo, but it works great for 9-14yo! "You want *fair*?":lol:

[justamouse]

in my house the stuff the person didn't 'want' got taken away and they were sent to their rooms until they calmed down. Weirdly enough, my twins didn't. But one twin with a brother would--but never the twins against eachother.

 

I think many sibs go through this at one point or another.

[specialmama]

You've got some great advice, esp. re. the natural consequence of removing the item she is carrying on about and not giving attention to the tantrums. The only thing I would add is that you should do your talking to her about this when you're both all snuggly and lovey, when it is not an issue. She is getting attention at the wrong time (when SHE demands it) and I would saturate your bedtime story hour with good character books, like those from Lamplighter. Bring out the discussions by casually confiding in her your own faults, like "boy, I can relate to the character in this story. I felt like that when... and I learned the hard way that... what about you? Have you ever felt like that/done that?" and just discuss in general, let her realize things instead of drilling it in for her. I also agree that you should stop trying to treat them equally. They are individuals who learn differently and you should tailor your parenting/discipling/correction to suit each child. Time-outs may work with one child, while writing lines works for another. You do what you have to do to suit each situation for the benefit of each individual. They are not the same. :grouphug:

[jld]

We've gone through sibling rivalry here, too, but eventually they seem to get over it or at least cope with it better. Ds11 had leukemia last year, and whenever ds8 complains that ds11 is getting something more or whatever, I ask him if he would like to have leukemia. That stops the complaining.

 

At the same time, I do try to look at what the kids are saying. Could I try to make things more fair-seeming to them? Does one need more in a certain area than another?

 

One thing that really works well here is to reflect the feeling. "You're feeling like it's not fair that he has a new toy, and you don't, is that it?" And then we talk about why someone might have gotten a new toy, and maybe gently remind him of a time he got a special privilege or gift, and how he would feel if we hadn't let that happen. I do certainly mention about life not being fair (is getting leukemia fair?), but I don't go out of my way to make life unfair, either. I really like to do things to make my kids feel happy and loved, if I can.

 

The only time I take things away is if they can't share something, or if they are physically hurting each other with it. And even then, it's only taken away until they can find a way to share it that both of them (or all of them) can live with (Thanks, Barbara Coloroso!).

 

It may be contradictory advice to what has been said, but I would do a lot more talking with your dd, not less. Just calling her ungrateful and telling her Jesus wants her to share is unlikely to do much long term good. If all you're worried about is controlling her in the short term, that advice is all right, though. If you really want to solve problems, I would look at a book like Kids Are Worth It.

 

Kids want to be treated with age-appropriate respect just like adults do. I wouldn't recommend treating a kid in a way I myself wouldn't want to be treated. Sensitivity goes a long way with people. Remember: Jesus told people to treat others the way they would like to be treated.

[Peela]

I think the problem is that you are trying to reach her rational side with reasonable explanations, and moral ones, and she is not yet capable of using reason and rationality, or morality, to over ride what is a very powerful emotion that arises in her from her unconscious.

She may have a deeply primal wounding over her sister being born- something she can't access consciously. Something that made her feel she was missing out. Some kids get that.

She is 6. It may be many more years before she develops the maturity to be able to handle the situations you have portrayed with generosity and selflessness. Thats realistic, and condemning her or not accepting her as she is, right now, will cause you a lot of stress over those years. She cant help it...but she can be slowly helped to manage her overwhelming emotions.

I have found, with my son who is my high needs, demanding, unreasonable and difficult child, that acceptance of how he is, is very important to my sanity. THen I discipline him, communicate with him, in ways that feel appropriate- but it is very different from being in resistance to him, which really always makes it worse. Really listening to him helps too- without necessarily solving his problems or giving him what he wants.

Then, the approaches others have suggested as well...but from a place of acceptance that she is how she is, right now, and probably simply cant just "switch off" her jealousy or competitiveness or sense of lack. Its not in her capacity at this stage..but it will develop because you will make sure it does, and that is what she needs to learn- but who of us learn our lessons at 6, quickly? Better to see her developmental stage, and work with her where she is at, than moralise and resist her.

But I would still put her in her room, and all that, if she treats peopel disrespectfully. But disciplining her for her behaviour is very different from disciplining her for emotions that arise in her. Emotions and feelings in themselves are not wrong, ever. SHe might respond better if she knows you know she cant help feeling jealousy, but you want her to learn to manage how she behaves with it.

And at times, I would also really empathise with her, how hard it is for her- without backing down. So for example, when her sister has something she doesnt have, you can say to her, I can see you would realyl like that too, and it hurts your feelings, - in other words, you can honour her feelings without succumbing to her tyrrany, or being responsible for fixing her feelings. I dont know if I explained that well.

 

I really do also recommend Siblings Without Rivalry- it is an excellent book.