Gender disappointment

[Mom in High Heels]

Ugh. We really wanted a girl and found out last week that we're having another boy. I wasn't disappointed at all because I could see him moving around on the u/s and I was happy. On my birth board though, there are all these moms-to-be posting that they are having little girls and how excited they are and talking pink this and frilly that and I'm so sad that *I* won't ever get that. This will absolutely be out last child. I want a girl so badly. I'm such a girly-girl and I love having my boy, but I'm just down that I'll never get to dress up my own little girl, or paint a room pink or play Barbies and baby dolls. I know there is always the possibility of having grand-daughters, but it's not the same. How do I get over this? I feel horrible for even feeling this way.

[Tangerine]

I'm sorry you're feeling disappointed. :grouphug: Those women can always dress their babies in frilly this and pink that, but once the girl is old enough to express her own opinions, there are no guarantees that there would be Barbies and baby dolls in your future. My 6 year old has not an ounce of the princess in her.

[NanceXToo]

Ugh. We really wanted a girl and found out last week that we're having another boy. I wasn't disappointed at all because I could see him moving around on the u/s and I was happy. On my birth board though, there are all these moms-to-be posting that they are having little girls and how excited they are and talking pink this and frilly that and I'm so sad that *I* won't ever get that. This will absolutely be out last child. I want a girl so badly. I'm such a girly-girl and I love having my boy, but I'm just down that I'll never get to dress up my own little girl, or paint a room pink or play Barbies and baby dolls. I know there is always the possibility of having grand-daughters, but it's not the same. How do I get over this? I feel horrible for even feeling this way.

 

Having seen conversations about "gender disappointment/preference" take place on other parenting forums, I know they can get sort of controversial. There will always be someone getting extremely indignant that you can't just "be happy with a healthy child" and "some people can't even GET pregnant and wouldn't care what they had" and blah blah blah.

 

But the truth is- it's VERY NORMAL to have a preference and to feel somewhat disappointed if you don't get your preference.

 

It doesn't mean you aren't happy to have a healthy pregnancy/baby. It doesn't mean you will not love your child or be a good parent. It doesn't mean you are a horrible person.

 

I know how you feel. I really do. I had two girls and when I got pregnant with my son, I knew that was going to be my last pregnancy/baby, and I REALLY wanted it to be a boy. I was ecstatic when I found out it WAS a boy (so I can imagine how you feel that you aren't getting your girl- it's how I would have felt if I didn't get my boy).

 

The truth is, if I had had another girl I'd have come to terms with it and I'd have loved her to pieces, just as much as I love my other kids. I wouldn't have mourned the fact that I had a girl by any means....

 

....but I'd have had to mourn the fact that I did not have a boy- it's sort of coming to terms with the loss of a dream/hope/idea or whatever you want to call it.

 

It's natural.

 

You'll be disappointed for a bit- and that's okay.

 

You'll have your boy and you'll fall in love with him and you'll be a good mom to him and life will go on.

 

And if it makes you feel any better, girls are quite dramatic and whiny. (Okay I'm stereotyping a bit but my daughter is often like that haha). She's also not big on pink frills. Hang in there... and congrats on your little boy, I know you will love him even if he wears blue and isn't particularly frilly! :)

Edited November 10, 2010 by NanceXToo

[mycalling]

I just had my 6th son...what you're feeling is completely normal.;)

[jenL]

I can fully relate, and what you are feeling is natural disappointment at an expectation/want that is not going to be met as you had hoped. It does not mean you will not love your new son or that you are a bad mom.

 

We knew we were a two child family from the beginning, so when I was pregnant with my second child, like you, I really wanted a girl. I *thought* for sure I was having a girl. When the u/s tech said I was having a boy, I was in disbelief. I must have asked her 6 times if she was sure. She finally said, "Honey, I've been doing this job for 24 years, I know a *enis when I see one." I shut up after that, but left the appointment completely disillusioned, disappointed, and down-right sad. I cried the entire car ride home and occasionally for a few days afterward. It wasn't that I didn't love the baby inside of me, it was that I thought he was someone else.

 

Even after he was born, I feel as if it took me a little longer to bond with him than my first son. However, that did not stop me from providing the best possible care for my little one, and within a couple of days, I was fine. I am now incredibly close to him, and I cannot imagine God not giving him to me.

 

I don't know if you are Christian, but what helped me was really reflecting upon the fact that God obviously felt I needed to be a mom to boys vs. girls. Since He knows my path before I do, he gave me the children I'm supposed to have. I know I will/do have moments (like when I'm shopping for my niece and the girls clothes are so darn sweet) where I may lament not being a mom to a girl. Yet, if I just remember that I've been given who I'm supposed to have, I feel peace quickly.

 

Go easy on yourself. :grouphug: Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy!

[battyjac]

I have 3 girls and a baby boy. I was so sure the 4th was another girl that I was shocked to find out it was a boy. I really wanted to see what it was like to have a boy. I would have been fine with another girl but like with the third, I would have been sad for a bit. Probably worse because I'm done now.

 

I think the disappointment is natural. It's one reason I like finding out at the ultrasound, you can mourn the gender when you're pregnant and just be ecstatic about the wonderful baby at the birth.

 

My SIL is very upset still that she only has boys and her youngest is 11. She does my girls' hair and plays dress up with them. They hate when I do their hair. My oldest is a tomboy and not at all a girly girl. It's not all sugar and spice that's for sure! Especially with hormones and fighting. Girls get nasty verbally, then it gets physical. But, I know, you want to see that for yourself! :)

 

Hugs!

[Tidbits of Learning]

I totally understand. With my last ds (soon to be 4 years old), we were told he was a girl at 20 week ultrasound. My grandmother had passed away that year and I wanted to name our little girl after her. I had sewn bedding and everything.

I had to convince dh to go to the 30 week ultrasound. He didn't want to miss work and after all everything was going good and we knew the sex. He went and within 5 seconds the ultrasound tech says, "Oh wow! You guys are having a boy."

I was very happy to be having a baby. We had lost a little girl at 5 months pg the previous pregnancy. I wanted my baby very much, but that did not change the fact that for 10 weeks I was having a girl and had grown attached to a name and decorated for a girl. It was a shock and I was a little disappointed. I even tried to talk dh into letting me keep the moses basket bedding that I had sewn. It wasn't pink, but it wasn't for a boy at all.

Somewhere between 30 weeks and 40 weeks. I got over my disappointment and sewed new bedding and came up with a boy name and got excited all over again. Your feelings are normal and they will pass with time.

[imhim]

Have you considered adoption?

[Allearia]

It will get easier, but it will take time. It was harder for us because the u/s technician thought our second was a girl. It was a boy. I spent a lot of time on sites for doing Microsort (high-tech IVF way of getting a girl) or adoption sites (there is a yahoo group specifically for moms with boys who want a girl). The money wasn't there and our house wasn't big enough for adoption and I spent several years dreaming about it, being sad, etc. Obviously I loved my boys to pieces but still...

 

I truly have finally come to terms with it slowly the past couple of years. I have that occasional wish for a girl but now that my sons are becoming their own people I have moved on from the fantasy of a certain child to the children I really have. I am surprised, I thought I never would move on but I have. That is not to say if I had a sudden chance I might not take it, but that is pretty unlikely if you know what I mean.

 

Almost worse than the disappointment is the guilt and shame over the disappointment. I still experience that. I just have to accept that I am not perfect in this area.

 

:grouphug:

[LostSurprise]

Four boys here.

 

I understand. We have ideas of what we want or how our family will be and it hurts when we see that it won't be the way we wanted.

 

Pregnancy is a wonderful time to get those feelings out..mourn a little..and then get excited about the new little one. Sometimes we need those 9 months, emotionally as well as physically!

 

If it becomes more then that, if you can't let go, just remember that we can't really control much of what happens in our lives. We imagine what our new little ones will be like and what our lives will be like, but the reality is that they are their own people. In the end we end up loving them for who they are...not who we want them to be. This same scene plays out over and over whether we have all boys, all girls, or a mix of the two. You just get that experience a little earlier than most. ;)

 

I love my boys. I was a bit disappointed that I didn't have a girl, but I am the Queen of this house. And if dh's aunt is any indication (girly girl who had 3 boys and now has 3 granddaughters) having granddaughters can be amazing! All the pink dresses and fun without the whining and PMS. :tongue_smilie:

[Danestress]

I have three boys and never felt that way. I did feel sad when we were pregnant with twin boys because I knew my parents would be disappointed, but I didn't really feel that "girl lust" for myself. But many women do, and I think it's perfectly normal and not something to feel guilty about. Allow yourself to mourn it, just as you would mourn other lost opportunities or adventures that you had your heart set on. No one else gets to tell you that you can't experience grief for that. You can.

 

Remember, though, that whenever you have something, you lose something. If you had a girl, that would be great. But you would no longer be a strictly "boy family." I really think that single gender families have some great advantages over mixed gender. I grew up with all girls. I am raising all boys. I would have delighted in a girl, but I would have lost something we have that is also precious and special. I adore my all boy family.

 

And I agree with the poster who said that ultrasound is wonderful this way. We found out we were having boys early, so everyone got used to that idea. By the time the boys were born, everyone was happy. I'm glad you are dealing with this honestly while you are pregnant. It's good to just tell the truth, "I am sad." By the time your little boy arrives, you probably won't be feeling so sad about it anymore.

[silliness7]

I just had my 6th son...what you're feeling is completely normal.;)

 

:iagree: We had 3 boys before we had our 1st girl. After boy #3 I didn't think we could make girls. I was disappointed. I actually didn't find out gender before hand because I thought I could handle the disappointment better once I was actually holding my baby instead of having to go home and plan for "another" boy. :grouphug:

[Sophia]

I think you'll get over it as you fall in love with your son and realize you wouldn't trade him for a million girls.

 

:grouphug:

[JudoMom]

:grouphug:

[BMW]

I always said that if I had all of one, I'd prefer to have all boys... not all girls.

 

I've had both. I think I'd take a boy in the teens over a girl in the teens any day. Even a boy with adhd! My boys have been loyal to me and in tune to my feelings. My girls have seen me as competition and stood toe to toe with me more often. That said, my girls and I have a great relationship now that they are through those stages. I know many dear girls.

 

But, boys are so dear to my heart. Embrace it. My story might not be the same as others' out there... but, my boys have been much more caring towards me.

 

And, as others have said, give yourself a break... you're feeling absolutely normal, relate-able, common feelings.

[Audrey]

Ugh. We really wanted a girl and found out last week that we're having another boy. I wasn't disappointed at all because I could see him moving around on the u/s and I was happy. On my birth board though, there are all these moms-to-be posting that they are having little girls and how excited they are and talking pink this and frilly that and I'm so sad that *I* won't ever get that. This will absolutely be out last child. I want a girl so badly. I'm such a girly-girl and I love having my boy, but I'm just down that I'll never get to dress up my own little girl, or paint a room pink or play Barbies and baby dolls. I know there is always the possibility of having grand-daughters, but it's not the same. How do I get over this? I feel horrible for even feeling this way.

 

 

I have no advice on getting over it, but I just want to say that I hope you won't ever express to this child that you were ever disappointed he wasn't the girl you wanted.

 

My dad said that to me once. It wasn't said in meanness. It was just said in a matter-of-fact way in a conversation. Yet, quite honestly, I don't think I'll ever get over that. It's one thing to say you're disappointed in your child for something they've done wrong. It's quite another to say you're disappointed that your child was born they way they were. I'm not angry at my dad or anything (he's passed away besides), in fact, I love him very much, but I'll always know that from the moment I was born, I was a disappointment to him, and that has crushed a little part of me irrevocably.

[NanceXToo]

I have no advice on getting over it, but I just want to say that I hope you won't ever express to this child that you were ever disappointed he wasn't the girl you wanted.

 

I was going to say, "I don't think any parent would say that to their kid, even if they thought it!"

 

My dad said that to me once. It wasn't said in meanness. It was just said in a matter-of-fact way in a conversation. Yet, quite honestly, I don't think I'll ever get over that. It's one thing to say you're disappointed in your child for something they've done wrong. It's quite another to say you're disappointed that your child was born they way they were. I'm not angry at my dad or anything (he's passed away besides), in fact, I love him very much, but I'll always know that from the moment I was born, I was a disappointment to him, and that has crushed a little part of me irrevocably.

 

...but I see I'd be wrong!

 

:grouphug:

 

So... while this SHOULD be something that can go unsaid... I agree!

[hana]

Don't underestimate the power of granddaughters, truly. My sister has three boys, and spent years mourning not having a girl. Then, three daughters-in-law, and then three granddaughters! By that point, she had the time and resources to just fawn over them and enjoy the pink, lace, and ruffles all she wanted.

 

You're right--it's not the same, but it can be a huge joy just the same.

 

Please know I'm not trying to minimize your mourning; I cried and cried secretly after my (boy) ultrasound.

[Pretty in Pink]

It's okay to feel disappointed. Just know that when you hold that little boy for the first time those feelings will go away! :grouphug:

[Mom in High Heels]

Thanks guys. I boohoo'd all over James Bond's shoulder after I posted this. I know I will love him, I'm just sad that I'll never have my girl and it's hard hearing all these other women talk about their girls.

It's also hard because every single person in both our families said "I hope it's a girl" before we found out the gender. Everyone was so hopeful for a girl and it made me want one even more.

I know I'll be fine having just boys, but it just wasn't what I saw, KWIM? I would never tell him that I hoped he was a girl though. Once he's here, I'll think he perfect (just like Indy), and won't be able to imagine not having him, but for now, while he's not actually here (though he does an elaborate gymnastic routine in my uterus), it's difficult to let the dream go.

[ChrisOR]

:grouphug:

 

I posted something similar a few months ago and received great support. And I do have one daughter, so I felt like an even bigger heel for being disappointed ... almost greedy. But I don't know the feeling of never having a daughter. I'm sure, without reading the other replies yet, that others will encourage you.

 

I am thankful now to have gone through the emotions of this, because I am more sympathetic to this now. I didn't understand it before and was prideful over "never caring" what the baby was. I didn't even foresee that I would feel that disappointment, probably because we had a girl already. It was very unexpected that I cared, but I found out I cared deeply. My husband also wanted another girl, but he got over it quickly. He reassured me that I was normal, and that the other stresses in our life (moving, finances, jobs, etc) were likely also a factor.

 

This baby was the only one we found out the gender before the birth. I was comparing my emotional response to the feeling I had when my other children were already born ... thrilled, relieved, content, happy. I decided during pregnancy with my newest baby that I wanted to be thankful, regardless of how I felt.

 

I can tell you that I was still disappointed the week before DS was born, but the feeling had diminished from the emotional peak when we first found out. But ... the good news, once I saw DS, I wasn't sad anymore. He is the sweetest baby. I am thankful. He is a blessing.

[ChrisOR]

 

Almost worse than the disappointment is the guilt and shame over the disappointment. I still experience that. I just have to accept that I am not perfect in this area.

 

:grouphug:

 

Good point. As a Christian, I reminded myself that the Lord knows and understands all my frail ways.

[Emmy]

The feeling passes, it really does. I never had it really bad, but I certainly had some twangs of disappointment at my 4th son's big ultrasound - it was more of a "wow - I'm never going to have that" type of feeling than being disappointed in the child I was getting. More than disappointment in any one of our boys we just experienced "girl pangs" when we'd help at the toddler class at church and all the little girls looked so cute in their sundresses and sandals or when we'd cruise by the girl toy aisle at the store.

 

Of course our story has a bit of a different ending than most since we got surprise twins in the end....but I have been where you are and understand the feelings, they are totally normal.

[May]

I felt this way too when I found out I was having another little girl. Our youngest was not planned (God had a different plan:)) and since I had a dd, surely with this surprise, I would get my boy. I had the perfect name picked out and envisioned how it would all be. Yes, I was disappointed that I was having another girl but that feeling eventually went away. Today, I can't imagine life without her. I tell people that one day (God willing), I'll have my boy(s) when dds marry:001_smile: and maybe I can even convince one of them to use my perfect name.

[AngelBee]

I am sorry that you are experiencing those feelings. :hug:

 

I can't say I understand how you feel. I have never experienced that. In all fairness though, I have soon to be 7 children and biological they are boy, girl, boy, girl, girl, and adopted boy. :) This baby is a surprise so far.

 

Also....someday there will be daughter-in-laws and grandbabies. :) You could also "adopt" a girl in the community who could use a wonderful woman role model.

[AngelBee]

Almost worse than the disappointment is the guilt and shame over the disappointment. I still experience that. I just have to accept that I am not perfect in this area.

 

:grouphug:

Thank you for saying this. It really applies to some other things going on in my life and was a very touching and timely reminder.

[MamaT]

Have you considered adoption?

 

I kept having boys and I absolutely adore every one of them, but I really wanted a little girl. We adopted two girls, both at birth. I can't imagine life without them.

 

Congrats on your baby boy! Boys really are great.

[Sahamamama]

... which is about what it's worth, LOL.

 

I haven't read the other threads, and I'm not going to. ;) But I will say this:

 

A little more than four years ago, I was "cleared" of cancer. I came home from the doctor and told my husband, "Doc says it's okay to go for Baby Number Two. Well?"

 

He said, "Um, I need some time to think about it."

 

I said, "You have five minutes, start thinking." :toetap05:

 

We jumped in bed. We got pregnant. With twins.

 

We did not want twins.

 

I am so serious about this, and it seems (now) a very horribly non-loving Mommy thing to say, but...

 

We did not want twins.

 

We had just moved from a small one-bedroom apartment into a small two-bedroom house. We had a toddler. I was recovering from thyroid cancer. We didn't have much money. "One more child" turned into two more, and it did rock our boats a bit. We did not want twins.

 

That was over four years ago. As you can see from the sig line, we had those unplanned twins, LOL! :lol: What a wonderful blessing they have been!

 

I am now unable and unwilling to imagine life without them. There are so many emotions in any pregnancy, so many changes taking place and about to take place... I think that what you are feeling is perfectly normal, really. I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Of course you will have these fleeting feelings... when you see pink, for example, or when you are shopping for your little boy and you see the cutest frilly dresses.

 

We had all girls... three of them. Not one boy in the bunch. One thing that helped me be satisfied with the fact that I will never be the mother of a son was to buy some boy's clothes for a baby boy in our church just this year. I tell you, I had so much fun shopping for little Adam! :001_smile: It helped me to see that a little boy could be a part of my life, even though he would never be mine. All those adorable light blues and tans and soft browns, all those little puppies and tigers and teddy bears. Baby boy's clothes are WONDERFULLY soft and subtle after the glaring hot pinks and purples of little girls' clothes! And it was so nice to not have to buy two of everything. ;)

 

In pregnancy, we all have to adjust our hearts and lives to "what is coming," some more so than others. I remember talking to other moms of twins and asking them, "So, how long after you found out you were having twins did YOU cry every day," and one of them said, "Five months." :001_huh: I didn't cry that long, but it was an adjustment to my thinking... as this is to yours.... be gentle on yourself and don't feel so badly about having had a set of expectations/desires. Your heart will yield to the baby who IS coming, and you will love him. :001_wub: HTH.

Edited November 10, 2010 by Sahamamama

[KidsHappen]

My hubby has six dds. When I was pregnant with #5, the 12 wk. U/S said boy. The 20 wk. one said girl. I felt like it was a boy. I was so sure that we didn't even pick out a girl's name. I was quite surprised when she was born and I found out she really was a girl. I felt bad for my hubby because I felt that he really wanted a boy. There was a small period of time in which we had slight disappointment that she was a girl. #6 was a girl but had problems at birth that required a week's stay in NCIU. We were just thankful that she was ok so her gender never even was an issue. By the time she came along though we were thankful that we had all girls. We knew how to raise girls, we had all girl things, it didn't throw off the gender dynamics in the house. Now we have two grandsons and although we love them to death, they make us really appreciate that we had girls. You can always hold out hope that you get a gdd which you can spoil even more. ;)

[katemary63]

I think you'll get over it as you fall in love with your son and realize you wouldn't trade him for a million girls.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: I think this is true. But, If it were me, I would need a period of time to mourn the "loss" of what I had expected my life to be. I have 3 DDs and a DS and honestly, I do think I would have been quite sad if I had not had at least one of each. There are other lifestyle issues that I've had to mourn the loss of and this would have been one of them for me. I give myself permission to be sad for a time. I like to cry it all out. Sometimes I go for a long hike on our farm, get myself situated on a big boulder on the hill in the woods and just have a bawl. It's okay and it doesn't mean you are selfish or wrong. But then after a bit, I purposefully focus on the positives and let the sadness go. It isn't really productive to go very long being upset about something you can't change so eventually, the only choice is to move on and remember 2 things. 1. EVERYBODY goes through this about something so you are not alone. It's part of life. 2. There are many worse things to have to get over and it's something to be grateful for that you are dealing with something so unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Now, (when you're ready) Chin up!

 

ps. I have two friends with all boys, one has 5, one has 3. They are both done having their own kids and both plan to adopt daughters. I have another friend with 7 boys. She bought a female puppy and named it Girl. :lol:

[indigomama]

It's perfectly normal!

When we went in for our ultrasound on DS#3,I wanted it to be a girl soooo bad. When the tech said, "It's a boy". I told her no I'm having a girl. She looked at my DH like "Do I need to call for a psych consult here?"

I think I am most closely bonded to DS#3, he is just a pure little piece of sunshine and I wouldn't trade him for a girl ever.

Of course, we very expectantly got pregnant again and we got our girl.

But there is something amazing about being the mommy of boys, definitely makes me feel like a queen.

Congratulations on the baby!!!

[lisabees]

I have three boys. With my boys, I had little expectations. But a girl! Of course, she would be my friend. And she would be beautiful. And share the same interests. And love me and take care of me.

 

But...there are no guarantees. I had my little girl. My dream came true. But, they told me while I was pregnant (and after her birth) that there was something wrong with her. The guilt was sooo strong. As if someone was reminding me to "be careful what you wish for. It may not be what you expect; you are not in control."

 

Seven years later, my daughter is fine. But, I remember every day to remain humbled by what I do have. Not what I don't.

 

It is very normal to feel the way you do. HUGS to you. I hope peace comes soon. Boys sure do love their Mamas more than girls! :D

[Mommy22alyns]

:grouphug: It's perfectly okay and natural. When I found out our second child was a girl, I was honestly a little disappointed and had to do some mourning too. But you will get over it (as I did) and one day you won't be able to imagine your life any differently.

[Sahamamama]

I have two friends with all boys, one has 5, one has 3. They are both done having their own kids and both plan to adopt daughters. I have another friend with 7 boys. She bought a female puppy and named it Girl. :lol:

 

THAT made me spit my coffee on the screen. :lol: That is so funny.

 

And, Katemary, I agree with the rest of your wonderful post. It is SO good to know that I am not the only person who sits on a boulder for a bawl.

 

What a relief. :grouphug:

[ApronMama]

I totally know how you feel. I cried for 3 days when I found out we would not be having a daughter after our ultrasound with our second ds. It shouldn't have been a surprise--dh is one of 2 boys, my brother in law fathered 2 boys....I don't think the desire to have a girl every completely goes away, but it lessens. For me, I think it made me feel like less of a girly girl to only have boys, but that's really not the case. One of the girliest girls I know is the mother of 2 adult sons!

 

While you may always have a desire to mother a girl, you will also have great joy at the special friendship between brothers. I'm so glad for my boys that they have each other and wouldn't want to change that.