Ginevra Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 I know - "Be the Duck" and all, and I'll be the duck about this tomorrow, but today I just need to ruminate about it for a few more minutes. :glare: I'm going to college, working ever-so-slowly towards a degree, after 20 years out of school. I'm so happy and proud to be doing this, and 99% of the people in my life who hear about this admire it, tell me how great it is and are happy for me. But there's gotta be that one, right? My one SIL cannot mention this topic without each and every time saying the following: I just don't know how you can be doing that and at that time of day. It's right in the middle of dinner hour and then the kids have sports... She said this again to me last night. I clarified, as I have the other five times she's said it; a) It's not in the middle of dinner hour or sports. I leave for class at 3:00 and get home by 5:30; b) dh takes the boys to their practices, and I'm home in time to take dd to her practice. The library is right next door, so I can study while dd plays volleyball. What irks me most is that once I'm explaining this to her, she's not listening any more. I really don't think she cares one bit how I'm doing it or how we're working it out logistically. She just wants to rain on my parade. Dh said, "Ignore it. She's jealous." :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 I know - "Be the Duck" and all, and I'll be the duck about this tomorrow, but today I just need to ruminate about it for a few more minutes. :glare: I'm going to college, working ever-so-slowly towards a degree, after 20 years out of school. I'm so happy and proud to be doing this, and 99% of the people in my life who hear about this admire it, tell me how great it is and are happy for me. But there's gotta be that one, right? My one SIL cannot mention this topic without each and every time saying the following: I just don't know how you can be doing that and at that time of day. It's right in the middle of dinner hour and then the kids have sports... She said this again to me last night. I clarified, as I have the other five times she's said it; a) It's not in the middle of dinner hour or sports. I leave for class at 3:00 and get home by 5:30; b) dh takes the boys to their practices, and I'm home in time to take dd to her practice. The library is right next door, so I can study while dd plays volleyball. What irks me most is that once I'm explaining this to her, she's not listening any more. I really don't think she cares one bit how I'm doing it or how we're working it out logistically. She just wants to rain on my parade. Dh said, "Ignore it. She's jealous." :iagree: :grouphug: At this point I would be tempted to say something like "You're right. That's why I made them all drop out of sports and I don't feed them dinner. Everyone says kids need more sleep these days, so I just put mine to bed at 2:30 on the days I've got class. They get more sleep, and I don't have to worry about dinner or sports. Isn't that great?!" Of course, I'm PMSing right now, so you might now want my advice. And good for you! What degree are you working on? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 Ask her, "What is your point in saying this over and over again?" I would think (but not say) Is it to make me feel badly? Is it to make yourself feel better? Is it because you don't think I know the reality of what I'm doing and how it affects our schedule?. . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 Dh said, "Ignore it. She's jealous." I would tempted to give a tinkling laugh and say "Oh, Sue, you are such a card" and move away from her. Extinguish the behavior by depriving it of ears. :grouphug: You could also, instead of outlining how you manage, reply you can do it because you are Wonder Woman and beam proudly, or say you can do it because your husband is Superman (or both). Tell her he leaves his cape at home, so as not to make people feel inferior. If a person is illogical, logic rarely sways them. If she is otherwise a dear, take this as a place of weakness in her, and consider sincerely complementing her (if she is wearing a sweater of a color perfect for her, mention it, etc), and seeing if that helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted October 30, 2010 Author Share Posted October 30, 2010 At this point I would be tempted to say something like "You're right. That's why I made them all drop out of sports and I don't feed them dinner. Everyone says kids need more sleep these days, so I just put mine to bed at 2:30 on the days I've got class. They get more sleep, and I don't have to worry about dinner or sports. Isn't that great?!" Of course, I'm PMSing right now, so you might now want my advice. And good for you! What degree are you working on? :lol::lol: That's very tempting! It's entirely possible that could come out of my mouth if I have to field this line from her again. I'm working toward a degree in English. You could also, instead of outlining how you manage, reply you can do it because you are Wonder Woman and beam proudly, or say you can do it because your husband is Superman (or both). Tell her he leaves his cape at home, so as not to make people feel inferior. Oooh! That's good too! "We're Mr. and Mrs. Incredible." :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fhjmom Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 Since it sounds like a continuous replay and it does bother you (and it would bother me too), I would try a strategy to get her to stop once and for all. I would probably say something like "Well, the kids are making it to sports, and we still manage to eat, so obviously I have that covered. Why is it such a big deal to you that you keep bringing it up over and over?" Put it on her to own it. If she realizes how offensive it is for her to continue to bring it up after you have offered reasonable explanations, she may drop it - or not, then I would just go with the "pass the bean dip" strategy. At least she would realize that you are calling her on her rudeness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 I'd be very tempted to say: You're right. I need to hang up so I can call the college and drop out immediately. I'm so glad you did not give up telling me what a foolish thing this was. If it wasn't for you I'd have continued to think that I was doing a good thing. I'm such a horrible person. In reality though, I'd just hang up (you were on the phone, right?). I've found that once the connection is broken a few times whenever a particular subject is brought up, people stop bringing it up. It's rather miraculous. You might want to start with, "I refuse to discuss this with you," but you don't have to. It lightens the mood a little (for you :p) when you just surprise them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 I suggest that you do NOT respond to her carping. Make a joke or roll your eyes and walk away or stare incredulously at her outrageous nerve, or ask her genuinely what does she mean by her questioning, but don't play into her silly passive aggressive game of questioning of your decisions! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted October 30, 2010 Author Share Posted October 30, 2010 In reality though, I'd just hang up (you were on the phone, right?). If only. :glare: No, we were at our monthly birthday dinner. We have such a big family, we rotate who does a dinner each month for all the birthdays. Fortunately, this was not at her house, but unfortunately, she's not easily avoided. I truly am just about done with giving her a reasonable explanation. I'm close to calling her on why she must keep asking me this, or joking with as several of you have suggested. The reality is, she's just not a very happy person and it's typical of her to be Johnny Raincloud. If you won a million dollars, she'd say, "You'll have to pay a ton of taxes." :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 If only. :glare: No, we were at our monthly birthday dinner. We have such a big family, we rotate who does a dinner each month for all the birthdays. Fortunately, this was not at her house, but unfortunately, she's not easily avoided. I truly am just about done with giving her a reasonable explanation. I'm close to calling her on why she must keep asking me this, or joking with as several of you have suggested. The reality is, she's just not a very happy person and it's typical of her to be Johnny Raincloud. If you won a million dollars, she'd say, "You'll have to pay a ton of taxes." :glare: Wet blanket much? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 She is saying it because she wants to believe it is too hard. That way, she doesn't have to feel badly for not doing it herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConnieB Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 "Well, thankfully it works for our family". 'nuf said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 I would tell her, "It really hurts my feelings when you say that. Please stop." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giraffe Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 "Thank you so much for being encouraging and supporting. I appreciate your uplifting words." Then again, I'm sick and in a rotten mood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 She is saying it because she wants to believe it is too hard. That way, she doesn't have to feel badly for not doing it herself. :iagree: Be the duck. You're not doing it to please her. You can always say something like "yeah, it's pretty crazy busy, but we're making it work", which acknowledges her concern but ends on a "pass the bean dip" kind of note. Honestly, she's never going to be convinced that it's a good thing, so I wouldn't bother trying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 "There's more to life than food and sports." And it is not commanded that one eats at 5:30pm every evening. Or really through her for a loop and tell her, "That's what cookies are for." :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 (edited) When my fil mentioned our mortgage payment one too many times, I asked him if he was planning to pay it. He got that it wasn't really any of his business unless he was willing to take it on. Ask your sil if she's offering to make your dinner and take the kids to sports to help you out (I know you don't need help.) Act really eager. Guarantee she'll stammer all over herself with excuses and not bring it up again. Edited October 30, 2010 by Mejane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 that's so sad that she is like that. She must not be very happy with her own life. She probably wasn't encouraged to go to school much and it seems her family might not have been willing to make the sacrifices to see her accomplish such a thing. Which is embedded in her psyche as, "You're not worth it." and she sees that YOUR family sees you as that valuable. Jealous. Yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted October 30, 2010 Author Share Posted October 30, 2010 You all have such great ideas, from the hilarious to the direct. I might have to write a cheat-sheet on my arm for our next family dinner! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 Wet blanket much? I'm concerned this didn't come across right... I meant she is a wet blanket. Not you. Just in case ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 I'm torn between nodding vigorously and laughing my head off. Sounds like the direct approach might be best, since you've had to field this one several times already. "well [sIL], why exactly does this bother you so much?" And wait to see what kind of reason comes out... :D Kudos to you for doing an English degree.. you are my hero :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 Ask her, "What is your point in saying this over and over again?" I would think (but not say) Is it to make me feel badly? Is it to make yourself feel better? Is it because you don't think I know the reality of what I'm doing and how it affects our schedule?. . . :iagree: Put it right on the table and deal with it openly. Don't ask in an angry way. Ask gently, puzzled. If you come in with a soft voice but bold words, it may just force her to look at (hear) what she's doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 When he thinks people are being irritating or trivial, etc., my brother says, "huh?" Person will repeat what they said, and he says, "huh?" again! And he says it so quietly, so absentmindedly, it is funny, maybe that would work for you. Congratulations! You had mentioned months ago, "UMBC or McDaniel?" I guess you're at McDaniel? I really, really miss home. I lived there for ... (gulp) 40 years+. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 I was just blown out of the water by sil: "why do you homeschool?". I think she was trying to get to something in particular, but not sure what. This momma bear went into overdrive.....eh ahem. So, I understand about sils being nosy and irritating about it. Actually, no one in either side of the family has ever asked why we homeschool. :grouphug: That's what I need right now, so I'll give you one too,Quill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Ask her, "I'm confused about why this your concern. I've clearly explained to you that we are managing the situation well, yet you continue to raise this issue. Why?" And then watch her sputter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Sarcasm is almost always my ace in the hole. I would tell her I could fly or stop time or something like that. It obviously doesn't matter what you say because she isn't listening anyway so have fun. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 I might say "because I'm a selfish jerk" so politeness would oblige them to contradict me. Or if I liked the person but was finding them annoying, I might tell them that hubby said I should do it. Rarely is a person going to march over to hubby and tell him to stop me doing whatever I'm doing. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted October 31, 2010 Author Share Posted October 31, 2010 Congratulations! You had mentioned months ago, "UMBC or McDaniel?" I guess you're at McDaniel? Right now I'm at the Community College. I'm still torn about which I will transfer to. I would much rather go to McDaniel, but UMBC is so much more economical. I'll also be paying tuition for my dd to go to private High School next year, so the cost issue is not an insignificant consideration. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted October 31, 2010 Author Share Posted October 31, 2010 Sarcasm is almost always my ace in the hole. Yeah, me too. i love a good snappy remark. I'm pretty sure if she says this again (whenshe says it again), I'm going to laugh and say, "I'm Supergirl! Didn't you know?" I might even break into a chorus of Saving Jane. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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