How do you/your children heal from the tragic loss of pet?

[Nakia]

We have lost two other pets after illnesses, but this loss feels so much more raw and painful. The thought of him suffering is overwhelming to me. Although my husband has assured me that from the looks of his body, he did not suffer, I just can't stop thinking about it. My mind races and my heart breaks over and over. I saw him, and that has shaken me up, but I knew I had to see him to believe it was him. I just don't understand. He was not on our road, which is an old gravel road with little traffic, but 1/2 mile down the road. Why was he so far? That was unusual for him, especially after his extended disappearance last winter. Since then he had been sticking very close to home all the time. Where had he been for the past week? Was he on his way back home and ran out in front of someone? Did someone purposefully hit him? These are the thoughts I'm having.

 

My youngest has a terrible upset stomach and diarrhea from being so upset. My oldest has cried all day. And my middle, who belonged to Oscar, has sat staring and pretty much refusing to talk about it. She did bring me her little journal where she has been writing him a note every day asking him to come home. One of them says, "Oscar, nevr leve me with no one to snugl with me." This is KILLING me! What can I do to help my girls? They have questions, but I don't have answers. All I can do is cry with him. We did spend some times sharing happy Oscar stories, but we are so overcome with grief.

 

On top of that, I have this deep feeling of guilt. If I had implemented a rule that the cats could not ever go outside and enforced it, this wouldn't have happened. I wish I could take it back a million times. I cannot remember the last time my heart has hurt so bad.

 

Is there anything I can do to lessen the pain?

[Denisemomof4]

Nakia, I know how hard it is. Really, I do. I've been through it so many times, and it never gets easier.

 

One thing you NEED to know is that you can NOT keep a cat inside when they want to go outside. Trust me on this. You have NO idea how hard I;ve tried to keep all my cats inside. It just doesn't work. We also have dogs, who need to be let out, and the cats will be hiding, just WAITING for that door to open. The second it opens, the cat bolts out. One of my cats, whom looks just like Oscar, is SO unbelievably sweet. She also allows the kids to dress her up, push her in a stroller, etc. She will claw at carpets until we WILL let her out. I truly have found NO way to keep a cat from going outside.

 

I hate to say it, but really, the only things that will help are time, and/or another pet. Your kids, especially your dd7, may not allow herself to enjoy another animal at first. Nothing can EVER replace Oscar.

 

Please let the guilt go. I really don't think you could have kept your cat indoors all the time. Once they experience freedom, it's hard to keep it from them. ALL of my cats have been strays, and I've never had any luck trying to keep them strictly indoor cats.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[LauraGB]

Oh Nakia! :grouphug:

 

The only answer I have is admittedly the most cliche and downright suckiest answer ever, but it's true; Time. It takes a lot of time.

 

Make a collage of pictures, work it out as you all cut and paste, and post the work in a shadow box worthy of your living room or hallway wall. Take the time to cry and miss him. And, after a little while, it's okay to get another kitten to take your mind of the death aspect and hand it over to the life aspect. Taking in another small, needy life is such a blessing to everyone involved.

 

And, Nakia, don't feel guilty. There are so many indoor/outdoor advocates (I even waffle on my indoor stance sometimes because our cat so much would love to be outside). Accidents happen. They are horrible and painful, but they are accidents.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[EthiopianFood]

One of my cats died last year from asthma. She was only four years old, and had been sick for an entire week. My intuition said something was wrong, but we didn't know she had asthma, and I didn't take her in because dh didn't want to spend the money (he thought she was fine). When we finally realized she was sick (and realized she hadn't eaten in several days...:crying:), I took her in, but it was too late. I KNEW something wasn't right. I could haved saved her. Now her sister, who was paralyzed a month later, doesn't have her best friend anymore. :crying:

 

You know what? It is what it is. It was my fault in a way, BUT I also did the best I could. You didn't know this would happen. You will be able to let it go, in time. Let yourself feel as sad as you need to. It does get better. :(

 

How old was Oscar? I don't know if this idea helps you at all, but when you're ready for a new friend, maybe you could get a kitty who was the same age as he was. Then, because of you, another kitty who probably wouldn't have made it WILL make it. Most people don't want adult kitties, even though we all have them and know how great they are.

 

:grouphug:

[EthiopianFood]

Accidents happen. They are horrible and painful, but they are accidents.

 

Exactly. :grouphug:

[specialmama]

:grouphug: Nakia :grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss! To answer your question, the time I cried most when I lost a pet, was the time my mom took me the very next day to sit in a room at a cat breeder's house and choose a fluffy kitty. It helped a lot. I still grieved for the passed on pet, but through my tears I was able to giggle at the silly antics of a new kitten and a ball, as both skidded across the kitchen floor. :D

*sigh* I totally vote for a new snuggly kitty.

Also, along the same lines as a scrapbook, check out what one of my friends made to honour thier beloved furry friend...

Perhaps you guys could tackle a video project like this...

more hugs :grouphug:

[Dolphin]

We found that life helped with death. I don't know if you have ashes or anything. We lost a little kitten to FIP, just really sudden and way before it's time. We buried the ashes and planted a rose bush on top. It was nice seeing the flowers this spring, and it assures me that even though Tango's life was too short, we have a nice reminder of him and or the beauty around.

 

Nicole

:grouphug:

[Liz CA]

 

I don't know, Nakia how helpful this is as we never lost a pet in an accident. All of ours have died naturally and most at an advanced age.

 

I always pointed out to my ds how the bunny/the cat/dog, etc. was now in heaven with all of his/her favorite snacks around. They can now run without pain because there is no pain anymore where they are.

 

I maintain that there is a special place for animals because I believe God does not waste any of his creation. I am aware this is a potentially controversial subject but thinking about that has comforted me (and ds) many times.

 

Edited October 17, 2010 by Liz CA

[Nakia]

Nakia, I know how hard it is. Really, I do. I've been through it so many times, and it never gets easier.

 

One thing you NEED to know is that you can NOT keep a cat inside when they want to go outside. Trust me on this. You have NO idea how hard I;ve tried to keep all my cats inside. It just doesn't work. We also have dogs, who need to be let out, and the cats will be hiding, just WAITING for that door to open. The second it opens, the cat bolts out. One of my cats, whom looks just like Oscar, is SO unbelievably sweet. She also allows the kids to dress her up, push her in a stroller, etc. She will claw at carpets until we WILL let her out. I truly have found NO way to keep a cat from going outside.

 

I hate to say it, but really, the only things that will help are time, and/or another pet. Your kids, especially your dd7, may not allow herself to enjoy another animal at first. Nothing can EVER replace Oscar.

 

Please let the guilt go. I really don't think you could have kept your cat indoors all the time. Once they experience freedom, it's hard to keep it from them. ALL of my cats have been strays, and I've never had any luck trying to keep them strictly indoor cats.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Thank you Denise. I knew you would understand. I have to let go of the guilt because 1) It won't change anything, and 2) I need to focus on helping my girls right now.

 

We only have one cat that is not even remotely interested in going outside. He is elderly. We have a 5 month old kitten (got him shortly after we lost our other cat back in early summer). He has just started trying to look outside when the door opens. Oscar and his brother, Oliver LOVE to go outside.

 

Oh Nakia! :grouphug:

 

The only answer I have is admittedly the most cliche and downright suckiest answer ever, but it's true; Time. It takes a lot of time.

 

Make a collage of pictures, work it out as you all cut and paste, and post the work in a shadow box worthy of your living room or hallway wall. Take the time to cry and miss him. And, after a little while, it's okay to get another kitten to take your mind of the death aspect and hand it over to the life aspect. Taking in another small, needy life is such a blessing to everyone involved.

 

And, Nakia, don't feel guilty. There are so many indoor/outdoor advocates (I even waffle on my indoor stance sometimes because our cat so much would love to be outside). Accidents happen. They are horrible and painful, but they are accidents.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I actually found some cute pictures on my computer and one on my phone that Emma had taken of her and Oscar. I scolded her sometimes because she would grab my phone and take like 20 at a time. I erased most of them, and now, of course, I wish I hadn't. We did gather up tons of her drawings of him and her notes to him. We are going to make an Oscar Doodle box.

 

We found that life helped with death. I don't know if you have ashes or anything. We lost a little kitten to FIP, just really sudden and way before it's time. We buried the ashes and planted a rose bush on top. It was nice seeing the flowers this spring, and it assures me that even though Tango's life was too short, we have a nice reminder of him and or the beauty around.

 

Nicole

:grouphug:

 

Thank you for this suggestion. We did bury him right next to our other kitty, and it would be nice to have something planted there this summer. We are going to decorate some nice flat rocks for headstones for Murray and Oscar.

[Nakia]

One of my cats died last year from asthma. She was only four years old, and had been sick for an entire week. My intuition said something was wrong, but we didn't know she had asthma, and I didn't take her in because dh didn't want to spend the money (he thought she was fine). When we finally realized she was sick (and realized she hadn't eaten in several days...), I took her in, but it was too late. I KNEW something wasn't right. I could haved saved her. Now her sister, who was paralyzed a month later, doesn't have her best friend anymore.

 

You know what? It is what it is. It was my fault in a way, BUT I also did the best I could. You didn't know this would happen. You will be able to let it go, in time. Let yourself feel as sad as you need to. It does get better. :(

 

How old was Oscar? I don't know if this idea helps you at all, but when you're ready for a new friend, maybe you could get a kitty who was the same age as he was. Then, because of you, another kitty who probably wouldn't have made it WILL make it. Most people don't want adult kitties, even though we all have them and know how great they are.

 

 

 

Yes, we can only do our best. Right now, I am just feeling guilty because I didn't do the best, but I do believe I did my best. Does that make sense? It was a series of really bad accidentss. :(

 

 

:grouphug: Nakia :grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss! To answer your question, the time I cried most when I lost a pet, was the time my mom took me the very next day to sit in a room at a cat breeder's house and choose a fluffy kitty. It helped a lot. I still grieved for the passed on pet, but through my tears I was able to giggle at the silly antics of a new kitten and a ball, as both skidded across the kitchen floor. :D

*sigh* I totally vote for a new snuggly kitty.

Also, along the same lines as a scrapbook, check out what one of my friends made to honour thier beloved furry friend...

Perhaps you guys could tackle a video project like this...

more hugs :grouphug:

 

After we had to have our cat euthanized at the beginning of the summer, we adopted a new kitten about two weeks later. So I have a 5th month old kitten right now. It really did help us heal. IF and WHEN Emma asks and is ready, I will take her to adopt a kitten. Oscar was almost 3, but I would rather adopt a kitten. She loves to train little kittens. :)

 

 

I don't know, Nakia how helpful this is as we never lost a pet in an accident. All of ours have died naturally and most at an advanced age.

 

I always pointed out to my ds how the bunny/the cat/dog, etc. was now in heaven with all of his/her favorite snacks around. They can now run without pain because there is no pain anymore where they are.

 

I maintain that there is a special place for animals because I believe God does not waste any of his creation. I am aware this is a potentially controversial subject but thinking about that has comforted me (and ds) many times.

 

 

I firmly believe that our pets will be waiting to cross the Rainbow Bridge with us when we get to heaven. Oscar is whole, and he will be there for his girl. No doubt in my mind of it.

 

If anyone doesn't know what Rainbow Bridge is, google or youtube it. Grab your kleenex first.

 

I want to share this pic I found on my phone of Emma and Oscar. Yes, he is sound asleep on her chest and yes, he has Tinkerbell tags on his collar. :)

 

 

Thank you all for letting me grieve so openly here. I appreciate it more than you know!

[gingersmom]

We found that life helped with death. I don't know if you have ashes or anything. We lost a little kitten to FIP, just really sudden and way before it's time. We buried the ashes and planted a rose bush on top. It was nice seeing the flowers this spring, and it assures me that even though Tango's life was too short, we have a nice reminder of him and or the beauty around.

 

Nicole

:grouphug:

 

I lost a cat to FIP also. It is an awful disease.

 

I had our cat cremated and while I was talking to the vet they told me about a cat (1 year old) that had been left at their door with a note and her scratching post.

 

I went to look at her and she looked identical to the first cat I ever had (20 years earlier).

 

I bought my kids back to see her and 2 days later she was with us.

 

I had not planned to get another cat so soon but for us it definitely helped with the healing process.

[Pamela H in Texas]

It does hurt.

 

We still, several times per week, talk about Ozzy who died last Januaray. He was just something else. We've lost other pets (death, rehoming, etc) and we cared about them and it hurt at the time. But sometimes there is THAT animal that causes something more!

 

Additionally, they could be struggling with HOW it happened a bit. My head goes haywire. Now, I know that I see and hear differently than other people (I can feel, hear, taste, smell pictures for example), but it would make sense to me that just knowing could cause many other people to recreate it in their heads.

 

And then there is the guilt. We had that also. We were unable to figure out the whole picture of why/how Ozzy died; however, we know that a couple common mistakes pet owners do could have been part of it. Now, was it just a factor? Or was it just something that could have caused problems but didn't in his case? Or did it actually kill him? We don't know. The guilt is huge though.

 

Anyway, I do hope you all have peace soon. But it will just take time for everyone to work through it. And depending on your relationships with the dog, it could be very ongoing. Our Oz died in January but we still think about, even talk about, him a few times per week (if not more). It is amazing how much he comes up in conversation among ourselves and even with others.

[cbollin]

Thank you all for letting me grieve so openly here. I appreciate it more than you know!

 

:grouphug:

 

-crystal

[Peela]

Your kids may well take their cue for grieving from you.

I say that because even though I do grieve and get upset, I am not particularly emotional about it...we have had quite a few deaths over the years and I tend to be quite matter of fact about it- I feel sad, we talk about it, then we do a ceremony. I notice my kids are also matter of fact about it.

Theres nothing wrong with having a good cry though if that is what is in your heart.

I think grieving often takes longer when we repress it. Allowing it to be quite acute for a while can help it to move through.

[Carpe Diem]

The photo of Emma and Oscar is so sweet.

 

I am sorry for the loss of your beloved feline friend. When our 18 year old cat died we had a funeral. I don't know if you did that or not when you buried Oscar. If you didn't you could still have one if you wanted. We held hands in a circle and said funny cat stories, sang a song. We buried her with drawings the kids had made for our Katie. Later the kids made a headstone. They painted a flat rock with her name on it. We put the rock out there and laid out pine cones and flowers, too.

 

It has been over a year and we have not adopted another cat. We got a dog instead (who now has two broken legs! :glare:) I do think a new kitty could help.

 

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

This is KILLING me! What can I do to help my girls? They have questions, but I don't have answers. All I can do is cry with him. We did spend some times sharing happy Oscar stories, but we are so overcome with grief.

 

Is there anything I can do to lessen the pain?

 

I know families have different styles, but I would not continue crying with them. I would present a paragon of calmness. They look to adults for an example. I would be sorry, and I would move on. Next art lesson I would suggest drawing a picture etc. I would help the children clean up the cat's toys. As the days go, I would discuss memories with them, lovely memories. But I wouldn't, after a certain point, let a child stay in their room and weep, and I would appear solemn but not overwhelmed at all. For their sake.

 

However, I know that I speak this from a viewpoint of coming from a very cheerful family who tended to turn sorrow into work. As my mother lay (comfortably) dying, her cat on her lap, I was in the other room cleaning the closet to spare my brother the work after she was gone.

 

:grouphug:

Edited October 17, 2010 by kalanamak

[LibraryLover]

We lost a cat...but she was over 20 and lived a good long life and died in the house, on her little bed.

 

We now have dogs...and one of them is especially dear. I don't know how we will handle it. I try not to think about it, honestly.

 

I'm so sorry your family lost your beloved pet in such a manner.

[Nakia]

I lost a cat to FIP also. It is an awful disease.

 

I had our cat cremated and while I was talking to the vet they told me about a cat (1 year old) that had been left at their door with a note and her scratching post.

 

I went to look at her and she looked identical to the first cat I ever had (20 years earlier).

 

I bought my kids back to see her and 2 days later she was with us.

 

I had not planned to get another cat so soon but for us it definitely helped with the healing process.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. Some may think it was too soon, but this morning Emma was crying and asked if she could have another kitty. So we went to the shelter after church. They euthanize on Mondays, and we probably saved one little guy's life. He is 3 months old and is a tuxedo like Oscar. I tried to talk her into a different one that looked nothing like Oscar, but she wouldn't have it. She is smiling. :)

 

It does hurt.

 

We still, several times per week, talk about Ozzy who died last Januaray. He was just something else. We've lost other pets (death, rehoming, etc) and we cared about them and it hurt at the time. But sometimes there is THAT animal that causes something more!

 

Additionally, they could be struggling with HOW it happened a bit. My head goes haywire. Now, I know that I see and hear differently than other people (I can feel, hear, taste, smell pictures for example), but it would make sense to me that just knowing could cause many other people to recreate it in their heads.

 

And then there is the guilt. We had that also. We were unable to figure out the whole picture of why/how Ozzy died; however, we know that a couple common mistakes pet owners do could have been part of it. Now, was it just a factor? Or was it just something that could have caused problems but didn't in his case? Or did it actually kill him? We don't know. The guilt is huge though.

 

Anyway, I do hope you all have peace soon. But it will just take time for everyone to work through it. And depending on your relationships with the dog, it could be very ongoing. Our Oz died in January but we still think about, even talk about, him a few times per week (if not more). It is amazing how much he comes up in conversation among ourselves and even with others.

 

Yes, I think the biggest problem is HOW is happened. So tragic!

 

:grouphug:

 

-crystal

Thanks Crystal.

 

Your kids may well take their cue for grieving from you.

I say that because even though I do grieve and get upset, I am not particularly emotional about it...we have had quite a few deaths over the years and I tend to be quite matter of fact about it- I feel sad, we talk about it, then we do a ceremony. I notice my kids are also matter of fact about it.

Theres nothing wrong with having a good cry though if that is what is in your heart.

I think grieving often takes longer when we repress it. Allowing it to be quite acute for a while can help it to move through.

 

We have all been crying like crazy. Emma is my most emotional child, usually. But she is also my "thinker". She has to have time to process. I think that's what she's been doing because she hasn't talked very much. She just gathered up all her letters and pictures last night and then sat in my lap and cried. We did have a little ceremony, but Emma wouldn't come out for it. She might want to go out and see the grave later.

[Nakia]

The photo of Emma and Oscar is so sweet.

 

I am sorry for the loss of your beloved feline friend. When our 18 year old cat died we had a funeral. I don't know if you did that or not when you buried Oscar. If you didn't you could still have one if you wanted. We held hands in a circle and said funny cat stories, sang a song. We buried her with drawings the kids had made for our Katie. Later the kids made a headstone. They painted a flat rock with her name on it. We put the rock out there and laid out pine cones and flowers, too.

 

It has been over a year and we have not adopted another cat. We got a dog instead (who now has two broken legs! :glare:) I do think a new kitty could help.

 

:grouphug:

 

Well, our new little kitty will be coming home on Tuesday. :001_smile: He looks a lot like Oscar. I couldn't talk her into anything else. We held several, but this little boy laid his head on her shoulder and his arms around her neck and started purring right away. I hope he will be as gentle and sweet as Oscar.

 

Some might say it was too soon, but we feel good about it.

 

I know families have different styles, but I would not continue crying with them. I would present a paragon of calmness. They look to adults for an example. I would be sorry, and I would move on. Next art lesson I would suggest drawing a picture etc. I would help the children clean up the cat's toys. As the days go, I would discuss memories with them, lovely memories. But I would, after a certain point, let a child stay in their room and weep, and I would appear solemn but not overwhelmed at all. For their sake.

 

However, I know that I speak this from a viewpoint of coming from a very cheerful family who tended to turn sorrow into work. As my mother lay (comfortably) dying, her cat on her lap, I was in the other room cleaning the closet to spare my brother the work after she was gone.

 

:grouphug:

 

Thank you for sharing. I am a very sensitive and emotionally (sometimes too emotion) person. I'm sure that's no surprise to you all. :001_smile: I'm perfectly okay with crying with them and in front of them. I don't want to upset them or anything, but I can't hold it in, especially not the first few days. It's still new and raw. Every day will get better. The tears will lesson, our hearts will heal, and happiness will return. All naturally and without force or repressing our feelings. I know you weren't suggesting I wasn't doing the right thing; I just wanted to explain. We are definitely sharing lots and lots of happy Oscar Doodle stories.

 

I do appreciate you sharing. I have known families like yours and sometimes questioned them because they don't seem to grieve the "right" way, but I have learned every family/person is different and does it the best way they can.

[Denisemomof4]

Thanks for sharing your story. Some may think it was too soon, but this morning Emma was crying and asked if she could have another kitty. So we went to the shelter after church. They euthanize on Mondays, and we probably saved one little guy's life. He is 3 months old and is a tuxedo like Oscar. I tried to talk her into a different one that looked nothing like Oscar, but she wouldn't have it. She is smiling. :)

 

 

 

Nakia, I'm SO happy to hear this!!! I tried to write out a response yesterday several times, but I wasn't happy with how it was coming out. I didn't want to seem like I was pushing to get another cat like Oscar, but just a couple of weeks ago I was admiring a cat that needed a home at the local hardware store. They always have an adoptable cat on display there where people can pet, inquire, etc. about it. Sometimes they get the run of the store! Anyway, I commented on how the cat looked just like Lacey, our cat, and a woman admiring him said, "Oh, the cats that look like this are SO docile and sweet!" She went on to list characteristics, all of which Lacey had, and Oscar sounds a LOT like Lacey. My dd10 dresses her up, pushes her in a stroller, etc. and the cat is like a sack of potatoes. She's SO GOOD with my kids! She was a stray that showed up at my house and never left, and she is an absolute LOVE!!!

 

So, I'm expecting your new cat to have a similar personality. I'm SO happy to hear this. You need to help Emma process this. Let her know Oscar can never, ever be replaced, but that you all wanted a cat to help ease the pain in your heart, or what ever you decide. But Emma sounds like she may need a lot more time to process this. She may not allow herself to love the new kitty initially. Just be patient with her and allow her to grieve in her own way. From what you've written so far, she sounds a LOT like me when I was a kid, and I had a horrible time letting go of a pet.:grouphug:

 

Don't forget to post pics of the new kitty!

[Sparkle]

Hugs, Nakia. One of our cats died several years ago, she was around 20. My dd was I think 3 1/2 or 4 at the time, and she took it very hard. She still likes to go out in the yard and put things on Chloe's grave...painted rocks and feathers and flowers and things. I let her do it since it makes her happy. We also got another cat fairly soon after Chloe died, and he's been a wonderful pet.

[newbie]

We did not do a grave for first cat and immediately bought a new cat, they healed semi okay.

 

Second time we did a grave and a service and purchased another cat, they healed better. The service and remembrance made closure.

[simka2]

When Dasa lost Penelope a couple months ago it broke my heart. She would think she saw her out of the corner of her eye, or see a black sweater on the coach and forget for a moment she was gone.

 

The rainbow bridge concept helped a lot!!! One thing that helped was buying the Sweet and Wild cd by Jewel. There is a song on there about a family saying goodbye to each other. We bawled the 1st time we heard it. There is a line that say's, "when you feel the wind, that is me kissing you there." We coined the term, Penelope kisses.

 

After that it just took time.

 

:grouphug:'s to you all!!! We also did the scrapbook photo...it was sweet :001_smile:

[Nakia]

We brought Peter home today. This is just a quick picture I took with my phone.

 

Emma is so happy. Interestingly, after not wanting to talk about Oscar for a couple of days, she has talked about him all morning. Having Peter is reminding her of lots of Oscar memories. :001_smile: I am pretty sure we did the right thing.

[Karen in CO]

Nakia,

Last year my dd9 saved her money and bought an American Eskimo puppy. Before she was six months old, she died in her sleep. It was horrible. I still feel terrible and guilty. She still cries everytime she thinks about it. We've discussed it alot. I've done a lot of listening to her. In the end, it isn't fair and it is terrible.

 

One thing that helped us to deal with it better was to volunteer at the animals shelter. We also adopted a big, fluff of a mutt that really needed a home. He is silly and keeps us smiling. He is in no way a replacement for the lost puppy. When we get really sad, we try to remember the good times.

 

Sorry for your loss.