I'm a better Mom for it - huh?

[atara]

Okay, I usually let stuff kinda roll off my back. This, however, is really bugging me. I could use some insight or something.

 

My friend, after trying for YEARS to have a child, finally had one. The child goes in daycare and she says she's a better Mom for it. She went on to say how her 3 month old loves his "childcare provider" and that they "rotate" him during the day so he doesn't stay in one spot. ..bouncy chair, swing, etc.(Is it just me...or does this sound like a nursing home.):confused: Furthermore, she said she was bored at home, so was her son. She said they just stared at each other. I am not making this up.

 

Okay, I don't get it. If she's a better Mom for having her child in daycare (not working because of need but out of want), what kind of Mom does that make me?:crying:

 

And, if all these people say "Oh stay home with him (ds) if you can. That's the best thing." But, yet, now that I'm home with him, there is just no support.:willy_nilly: By no support I mean specifically people who continue to ask me to do things, even when I say that my family is my first ministry at this time of my life.

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

:grouphug:

 

What she's really saying is that she feels she couldn't handle being at home with a young child. I personally find that sad but I wouldn't take it as a criticism. I know there are some people who believe that those who can tolerate being at home with young kids must be dim-witted but I maintain that if you're bored, you're boring. ;)

 

And if people ask you to do things you don't want to do, just say no.

[Word Nerd]

Don't read anything more into it. Her comment wasn't about you—it was about her.

 

This is no different from a mom feeling she has been slighted or taking offense when another mom says she breastfeeds, homeschools, vaccinates, doesn't vaccinate, or whatever. Expressing one's parenting preference or choice is not an attack on your choice. (It can be depending on how it's worded, of course, but I mean in general.)

Edited October 10, 2010 by WordGirl

[sparrow]

Don't read anything more into it. Her comment wasn't about you—it was about her.

 

This is no different from a mom feeling she has been slighted or attacked when another mom says she breastfeeds, homeschools, vaccinates, doesn't vaccinate, and on and on. Expressing one's preference or choice is not an attack on your choice.

 

:iagree:

[Pretty in Pink]

Her statement is a reflection on her own choice, not yours. She is not judging you. Don't take it personally. A lot of mothers are uncomfortable at home alone all day with their little ones.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

Well, I used to be like that other mom (and look at me now).

I just had no clue what to do with a baby. So if I only had the baby for a couple of hours, I could deal with that. Other than that, all I wanted was to leave baby in the crib and do something "rewarding" .

 

Life being what life is, I had to take baby out of daycare, and LEARN to deal with a child! And now, we're entering our 8th year of homeschooling :tongue_smilie:

[myfunnybunch]

If she's a better Mom for having her child in daycare (not working because of need but out of want), what kind of Mom does that make me?

 

:grouphug:

 

What makes her a better mom and what makes you a better mom have very little to do with one another.

 

You both love your children and want what's best for them. For her, it's day care so she doesn't go stir crazy. For you, it's being home. You're both better moms for it. :)

 

"Better" doesn't have to mean "better than you." It just means "better than I would have been otherwise." Be confident in your choice, knowing it's best for your family, and support her in hers because she knows her own boundaries and limitations.

 

And I agree with the pp...say no thanks when you're asked to do things. It sounds easier than it is, but practice makes perfect. ;)

 

Cat

[Hedgehog]

The child goes in daycare and she says she's a better Mom for it.

 

It may well be that she is a happier person for it at the moment, but that doesn't make her a better mom. Time will tell. There is a lot to be said for being convinced of your point of view and being content because you are convinced - this does indeed make for a positive atmosphere. However, there is plenty of evidence to show that young children benefit greatly from being at home when they are young, in terms of emotional security and future independence. I am minded of the Scripture that says, "A man reaps what he sows." My question would be, what is this mom sowing in her relationship with her son, when she takes him to daycare and leaves him there with people he is not as close to for x hrs a week? What are you sowing, when you have your child at home with you, when you talk with them, listen to them, play with them, teach them?

 

But, yet, now that I'm home with him, there is just no support. By no support I mean specifically people who continue to ask me to do things, even when I say that my family is my first ministry at this time of my life.

 

Mama, you are right. Your family comes first. Keep saying it, and keep praying that you will stay strong and that maybe, just maybe, they will eventually accept it. I know this is very hard. My husband is a techie, and people are continually asking for help. If he said yes to even half of them, we would literally never see him. People never seem to realise how long things will take, and they rarely offer to pay. So we have had to be hard, and often say no. It's not something we like to do, but family comes first.

 

:grouphug:

[Quad Shot Academy]

I am surprised that you haven't heard this attitude before! I am the only one in my lamaze class (10 years ago) that made it the entire 6 weeks of post partum leave. All of the others went back to work early, some were even losing money having to pay for care for less than a 6 weeker! :001_huh:

[MotherGoose]

:iagree:

:grouphug:

 

What she's really saying is that she feels she couldn't handle being at home with a young child. I personally find that sad but I wouldn't take it as a criticism. I know there are some people who believe that those who can tolerate being at home with young kids must be dim-witted but I maintain that if you're bored, you're boring. ;)

 

And if people ask you to do things you don't want to do, just say no.

 

Everyone always talked about how much work babies are. When my first was born at 36 weeks and slept almost 22 out of 24 hours, I found myself with a lot of time on my hands. I realized that it was a blessing to be able to be home with my baby and have lots of time to do what I wanted/needed to do. Of course, now that I have two that are toddler/preschooler age, that's no longer true. But I do remember a bit of a let-down at first, when she just wouldn't wake up enough to even stare at me :) I'm not bored at home, always have plenty to do, and if I went back to work I don't know how I'd get anything done around here.

[Garga]

I didn't know what to do with a small child when mine were small. I stayed at home, but I wasn't a very fun person when I did. Oh, I played with my kids and I think I did an awesome job of not letting them know how bored I felt. THEY had fun. But I was pretty bored. (And like the previous poster said, I felt like I was turning into a pretty borING person, too.)

 

I felt completely stifled and isolated and miserable and frustrated on the inside. My solution was to start taking one college class a semester. When college was in session, I was back to feeling like myself. When college was out, I would sink into being bored/boring, lonely, and feeling a bit useless. I know I shouldn't have felt those things for staying home...but I felt them.

 

So, I can understand why she says that. I NEED an intellectual outlet, even if it's something simple. Once I started homeschooling, I had that outlet.

 

I, personally, wish that she had not ended up choosing a day care, because I do still think it's best for moms and small kids to be together. But, at the same time, I understand the feelings behind why she chose that and why she says she's a better mom.

 

 

ETA: I just re-read the OP. I thought the child in question was 3 YEARS old. She's only 3 MONTHS old. Now I wonder if there is a bit of PPD thrown into this mix. While I felt bored etc, at home with a baby, I would have sobbed each and every day if I'd have had to leave them at daycare at such a young age. The best part of that age is just sitting there staring at each other!!

Edited October 10, 2010 by Garga

[Garga]

I'm not bored at home, always have plenty to do,

 

I have plenty to do at home, too, but lots of it is boring. I find it terribly boring to wash dishes, for example. I need something that I can THINK about, besides my own musings. Hence the college classes before the kids were old enough to homeschool, and hence the amazing contentment and happiness I find in homeschooling the kids now that they're old enough.

 

You can have small kids and play with them and make an enriching environment for them and help them to have a lot of fun...but still be bored on your own behalf.

 

Different people find different things boring. I have a friend who hates to read but loves crafts. I'm the opposite. I went to help her with a craft project one day and wanted to run screaming from her house. And when I've suggested books to her to read, her eyes glaze over. We find different things engaging. She feels best working with her hands. I feel best filling my head with stories.

[delaney]

A lot of people like the "idea" of having kids and being moms but if you get right down to it they really aren't that into it-kwim? I have a friend with 5 kids and while she loves to be the matriarc and the leader, she openly admits that she is selfish with her time and doesn't like to do a lot of things with her kids. You can only imagine her reaction to me HSing. BUT WHEN WILL YOU HAVE FREE TIME???? She just can't get past the fact that I am okay with giving up my time for my kids.:confused:

[Heather in OK]

I think it's good that she is admitting it and is doing something about it. The alternative could be her feeling forced to be a SAHM, hating every minute of it, and developing SEVERE PPD.

[Teachin'Mine]

I wonder if she isn't suffering from postpartum depression. I can't imagine any mother in her right mind saying that they just sit there and stare at each other. I can understand a mother who was used to the work force before having her baby missing adult interaction and wanting some time with other moms or other adults, but not the comments she made. She's either extremely ignorant of a baby's needs, or depressed. Just my thoughts.

 

What she said has absolutely no bearing on you or any other homeschooling mother. It also has no bearing on mothers who need to work and have to rely on childcare. It's just a sad reflection on her.

[Farrar]

I went back to work part time when my boys were about 3 months old and I do believe it made me a better mother. We didn't have to send them to daycare, which I wouldn't have wanted to do - we cobbled together a couple of sitters and dh kept them most days for the hours I was gone. But thank goodness I did. It kept me sane.

 

Babies are wonderful and bonding with a baby (or two...) is really special. However, most of the work of infants is really boring - at least, it was for me. I was literally pinned to the sofa bf'ing for what felt like 24/7 for the better part of a year. I got no sleep. When I wasn't bf'ing or breaking my back carrying two babies around who never wanted to be put down, I was trying to keep order in the house - laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, reorganizing the mounds of baby things that we used and outgrew on a seemingly monthly basis.

 

But when I went to work, I got to have regular conversations with people. People needed me for my brains and abilities instead of my hands and breasts. Having that kept me from becoming depressed and worn out. Those few hours away meant that when I was with my children, I was more present for them and valued our time together more. Then, when they got more interesting around age 3 and a half, an opportunity presented itself for me to move on, so I did and now I'm home - I always knew we would homeschool, so I knew I wouldn't work forever.

 

As others said, different choices work for different people. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to do what worked for me and that included leaving my babies to get away for awhile every day.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Don't read anything more into it. Her comment wasn't about you—it was about her.

 

This is no different from a mom feeling she has been slighted or taking offense when another mom says she breastfeeds, homeschools, vaccinates, doesn't vaccinate, or whatever. Expressing one's parenting preference or choice is not an attack on your choice. (It can be depending on how it's worded, of course, but I mean in general.)

 

:iagree: Her saying that she is a "better mom for it" means that she thinks that she is a better mom with her child in daycare than the kind of mom she was when she stayed at home. Not about you at all.

 

I could see some moms say the same about homeschooling. Maybe they were an uptight mess and feel like when they sent them to school they were a better mom for it......because they were no longer yelling at their kids all day and had a chance to miss them.

 

Don't judge her choices. I hate it when people judge mine. It wasn't about you. It was about her. Leave it at that.

[laundrycrisis]

:iagree: Her saying that she is a "better mom for it" means that she thinks that she is a better mom with her child in daycare than the kind of mom she was when she stayed at home. Not about you at all.

 

 

 

Some people are not cut out to be home full time with a baby, and they know it....they know they will not be in a good mental state in that situation. I would interpret her statement as saying that she is doing what helps her be the best mom she can be...it's not about you or what works for you, etc. She's not passing judgment on you or your situation at all. She's happy being out of the house; she's found a daycare she is pleased with; she's mentally stable with the current arrangement, and the baby is happy and well cared for. :thumbup1:.

[Haiku]

If she's a better Mom for having her child in daycare (not working because of need but out of want), what kind of Mom does that make me?

 

Her comment had nothing to do with you and everything to do with her, her interests and capabilities, and her tolerance for the mundaneness of being a stay-at-home parent. And I'm not dissing her for working. But her comment was not about you.

 

Tara

[atara]

I can't thank everyone enough for taking the time to comment and respond honestly to my little quirk of misunderstanding.

 

I think I had rose colored glasses on before I had a baby. I just thought all mothers were exactly the same. I thought I'd have my son in daycare and would not let up on one single minute of my free time. Now I realize that my free time, really is free when it is spent teaching and bonding with my family. It's a beautiful thing. I can't believe how much a baby (now toddler) has changed my perspective on life. We have even canceled our cable! THE HORROR!:lurk5:

 

Ultimately, I am learning the everyone has their own take on Motherhood. Sadly, I'm learning the my take (staying at home - happily, homeschooling) is rare.:grouphug: Thanks everyone!

[Sahamamama]

My friend, after trying for YEARS to have a child, finally had one. The child goes in daycare and she says she's a better Mom for it. She went on to say how her 3 month old loves his "childcare provider" and that they "rotate" him during the day so he doesn't stay in one spot. ..bouncy chair, swing, etc.(Is it just me...or does this sound like a nursing home.):confused: Furthermore, she said she was bored at home, so was her son. She said they just stared at each other. ... If she's a better Mom for having her child in daycare (not working because of need but out of want), what kind of Mom does that make me?

 

And, if all these people say "Oh stay home with him (ds) if you can. That's the best thing." But, yet, now that I'm home with him, there is just no support. By no support I mean specifically people who continue to ask me to do things, even when I say that my family is my first ministry at this time in my life.

 

We are so blessed that I am home with our three daughters, even though we live on a very tight budget. There is something so precious in being a mother to these girls, something that no amount of money could ever buy. There is a part of me that, like you, just doesn't get it when mothers who seem to not "have" to work leave their little ones in daycare and return to full-time employment. At times, it can be awkward to build a relationship with these mothers, but I have found that the best thing to do is to KEEP QUIET, convey ACCEPTANCE (or at least COMPASSION), and try to find some COMMON GROUND (usually our children, not our lifestyle/choices).

 

Some thoughts:

 

Not every "working mother" wants to be away from her baby. As I've kept quiet and as I've listened to mothers, they've confided in me that they do not want to be away. It's a very, very emotional issue for them, and it's heartbreaking for some moms to return to work. I think that some moms brace themselves to going back to work by putting on a brave face. It can come across as hard and uncaring towards the baby when they say, "Oh, he'll handle it" or "The first two boys managed, and this one will, too." But I'm not in that woman's shoes. I don't have to work outside the home for a paycheck. And friendship isn't built well on judging the other person's motives.

 

Not every family who seems to be doing fine financially is doing as well as they seem. There is a family in my church who -- I thought -- was rolling in it, LOL, but they are losing their big, brand-new, $375,000 house to foreclosure. Tears and more tears. They know they bit off more than they could chew. We bought a little, old, run-down shack of a bungalow and are stretching to pay the mortgage, too, but we have never missed a payment nor been late. My in-laws took one look at our house and have treated us like "Poor White Trash" ever since. :tongue_smilie:You just never know what a person's financial situation is, unless you really DO know it. KWIM?

 

Some dual income families make more than "enough," but they spend it all, too. They "need" two incomes because what comes in the front door goes out the back door. Some families have no budget. If they see it and want it, they buy it. The impulsive spending adds up to the second income. This is possibly due to a lack of self-control, to priorities that do not align with yours, and perhaps to a need for some skills in financial management. But it may not be a matter of not loving a child. This is the hardest thing for me to accept, because I would rather sacrifice stuff for the sake of being with my children. But not everyone sees it that way, obviously.

 

Also, some people really don't know what to do with a baby. You and I might know, we would have no problems with how to handle being home with our children -- but not every woman has learned what to do with a newborn, an infant, a toddler, or a preschooler. They don't know the first thing about taking care of this other life, not just how to bathe, feed, or dress the baby, but how to NURTURE and BOND with this person's SOUL. These parents generally raise their children like plants -- water, feed, put out in the sunshine. Some moms I've met are VERY uncomfortable with their babies, but as the children become toddlers and start talking, the mothers begin to feel that they are missing out on their children, and then they may decide to stay home. You could encourage your friend to think about WHO her son is by sincerely asking questions about him as a person -- think about the kinds of personal things you KNEW about your baby when he/she was that age. If she doesn't know the answer because she is rarely with him, it may create a desire in her heart to know him on a deeper, more intimate level. Does she avoid intimacy in general?

 

Finally, some women have a hard time transitioning to the isolation of being home -- usually ALONE -- all day, every day, with a newborn infant. The mother and baby really DO stare at each other! Some moms don't know what to do with their spinning and racing thoughts. They really do feel better about placing the baby with people who know how to talk to and interact with babies, while they go to work and talk to adults.

 

I, personally, HATE the "drop them off at daycare" mentality, and will never think that it makes a mother "better." Better than what? Well, it IS better than becoming abusive, or neglectful, or resentful, or unbalanced, or unhealthy. Your friend may have felt herself slipping into one or more of these descriptions. You could admit your confusion and simply ask, "Why was it so terrible to be home with him? I don't get it." Your friend may honestly believe that she is mothering her newborn better now than she did when she was home with him, but you may never know the reasons why, much less understand them. HTH.

[Homemama2]

Moms seem to feel the need to defend their choices. She is just defending her choice and she might feel a little guilty that she hasn't chosen the path you have chosen. We have it hard as moms. We are supposed to want to be motherly, and we are supposed to want a career. We are supposed to juggle both seamlessly. It never quite works out that way. So we tell ourselves when we are unsure that we have done what is best.

 

 

:iagree:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I wonder if she isn't suffering from postpartum depression. I can't imagine any mother in her right mind saying that they just sit there and stare at each other. I can understand a mother who was used to the work force before having her baby missing adult interaction and wanting some time with other moms or other adults' date=' but not the comments she made. She's either extremely ignorant of a baby's needs, or depressed. Just my thoughts.

 

What she said has absolutely no bearing on you or any other homeschooling mother. It also has no bearing on mothers who need to work and have to rely on childcare. It's just a sad reflection on her.[/quote']

 

:iagree: My first thought was also that she sounds like she's suffering from PPD. I had a horrible case of it after ds1 was born.

[kewb]

I know exactly what she is talking about. That was me when mine were babies. I was a better mom to my children because I went back to work. I researched child care and found a center that had similar philosophies to mine. The were staffed with warm and loving people. My children thrived. I had no idea what to do with my babies when they were babies. I had no support. I learned a lot from my daycare providers.

 

Her statement was all about her and her life and had nothing to do with you and your life. My choices were the right ones for me. I don't (and didn't) expect others to make the same choices as me.

[goldberry]

Well, I used to be like that other mom (and look at me now).

I just had no clue what to do with a baby. So if I only had the baby for a couple of hours, I could deal with that. Other than that, all I wanted was to leave baby in the crib and do something "rewarding" .

 

Life being what life is, I had to take baby out of daycare, and LEARN to deal with a child! And now, we're entering our 8th year of homeschooling :tongue_smilie:

 

Funny how things work, huh? I never thought I would homeschool in a million years. I planned on DD being securely in PS, and me going back to pursue my education. Surprisingly, my DD didn't go along with the plan (particulary the "securely" part). So, I adjusted.

 

Also, FYI, I didn't like the "baby" stage at all. I did find it boring. The older she got the more fun she got.

[RoughCollie]

Finally, some women have a hard time transitioning to the isolation of being home -- usually ALONE -- all day, every day, with a newborn infant. The mother and baby really DO stare at each other!

 

I'm starting to feel lucky I had triplets. We didn't sit around staring at one another and I didn't have time to think about much other than what was occurring in the present moment. I used to envy people who had one full-term baby the first time around because they had the luxury of being able to pay as much attention to that baby as they wanted to. I had no idea that people could get bored having to take care of a baby all day, but I did realize that doing so isn't enough for some folks, including me.

 

My original plan was to work with my husband after we had our first child (one at a time), and stay home after we had our second and more. That way, we could have both worked, and the one who wasn't working would be at home with the child(ren) most of the time. My plan included having a part-time nanny for 3-4 hours a day, half of which would have been during the baby's nap time, and a weekly maid service. I thought I was so smart coming up with that plan to have it all. It only works if both parents are self-employed and in the same business or profession, which we were.

 

I could have had the best of both worlds. For me, there are downsides to being a SAHM that working would have conquered. Those downsides have to do with the sheer drudgery and mind-numbing boredom involved in doing never ending housework and in the lack of mental stimulation and interaction with adults at the level I was formerly accustomed to. The housework never goes away, but thanks to the internet, I do not lack anything except having like-minded adult friends IRL who live nearby.

Edited October 11, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Zann]

We have even canceled our cable! THE HORROR!:lurk5:

 

/bow

My kids 3 4 6 have watched less than 2 hours of cable there entire lives. My 3 year old and 4 year old even less.

[Tea Time]

My friend, after trying for YEARS to have a child, finally had one. The child goes in daycare and she says she's a better Mom for it.

 

It was hard work and often tedious, but as a young mother, I could not get over the incredible privilege involved in raising a child. I guess it never occurred to me to wonder what would make me a better mother. I was too absorbed in wondering what would make my baby a better person.

[Haiku]

I had no idea that people could get bored having to take care of a baby all day,

 

That was me. Bored, lonely, and suffering from PPD. Imo, which is merely mo, babies are boring. They sleep (intermittently, mine never in long enough stretches that I could get in a good nap or complete any kind of productive task), eat (which meant I was sitting in a chair trying to balance baby+book or watching tv (which I don't enjoy doing) or listening to something on the radio), need their diapers changed a million times a day (or more if you use cloth diapers), and cry. Honestly, I did not find any of those things stimulating. I loved my baby, but I was bored and unhappy at home. Things got much better when said child began to walk and talk.

 

Tar

[Tree House Academy]

My best friend is the same way. This stay at home mom thing is not for everyone. It isn't easy. Life was rough (for me) when my kids were little and I was home with them all day. Now that we homeschool, our lives are defined much differently. WE are now a homeschooling family...and I am not *just* a stay at home mom!