mouthy punishments

[fairfarmhand]

ok. I need good punishments for mouthy hateful talk coming from children's mouths. Typically, I sent the child to her room, and will not respond. However, one child gets mouthier and uglier the more I ignore, since she is TRYING to get a reaction.

[Heatherwith4]

I have been dealing with this situation with DS5. He gets media taken away. He has to stay with me and help me do whatever I'm doing. The other day I gave him a rag and told him to start cleaning the baseboards. I think physical work is good for these situations.

Also, make sure the child in question is getting enough sleep, food, and hydration. HTH!

[Remudamom]

Quit feeding them. Really. Why should you cook for a mouthy brat?

[fairfarmhand]

Quit feeding them. Really. Why should you cook for a mouthy brat?

 

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Things I'd suggest:

 

1) a set answer. "Yes ma'am" or "Okay, mom" take just enough time to get rid of the junk response.

 

2) A positive answer is appropriate even if it's not the set answer. But negative is not appropriate.

 

3) Teach them how to broach the subject with you APPROPRIATELY. At first, this would be to obey then come back and discuss it like, "mom, next time, may I finish the chapter before I take out the trash?"

 

4) Along with that, be mindful of transitions. It really is rude that we ask our children to take out the trash a time outside of chore time while they are in the middle of the chapter unless it's an emergency. My kids were much more positive about our "fast cleans" because any other time, I was reasonable such as, "after you finish that chapter, please take out the trash."

 

5)Once they get the idea of broaching the subject appropriately after the fact, they can start doing it in the situation IF appropriate. You can also let them know when it's not an appropriate time to discuss things such as, "Mrs. Nabek is coming by in a few minutes so could you run the trash out?"

 

6) Teach your kids, NOT in the situation, a cue. For us, we said, "take two" and/or raised two fingers. That meant, "you have two seconds to decide whether to state that appropriately; or do as your told and we'll discuss it after you comply, if you want. We didn't hold them to the two second thing. It was fine for a little kid to breathe, play with his fingers a minute, and then turn heel and take out the trash....or to take a minute and a few deep breaths and state his case.

 

You MAY, depending on the age of the child, give him the words he's looking for if you know them. For example, if he hollers about how it's not fair because of XYZ, you can restate it for him so he knows what TO say.

 

Honestly, I think punishment MAY have a place at times. However, I see a LOT of people punishing their children without DISCIPLINING (teaching/guiding). These are life skills kids need. And it works just as fast, if not faster to give them an appropriate say AND to teach them social skills (this is when we talk about things and this is when we don't). Don't talk to me that way and sending the kid away makes mom feel like she's done something and made the kid pay for being naughty, but teaching him when and how to say things correctly gives him the skills he needs for life. He may well learn those over time if you just punish him. Many kids do! However, it just seems better to teach instead of punish. It certainly is a lot more peaceful.

[MaMa2005]

Quit feeding them. Really. Why should you cook for a mouthy brat?

 

Love it!:001_smile:

[Dobela]

Quit feeding them. Really. Why should you cook for a mouthy brat?

My great aunt would not feed a hot meal to a child that being mouthy to her. They would get peanut butter on saltine crackers with a piece of fruit and water every meal until the apologized and showed her more respect. Ask me how I know ;)

 

That being said, my child is given one warning that his mouth is about to get him into trouble. If he continues, he gets hard labor and I start with cleaning the toilet before we move on to scrubbing grout. If he is working hard, he doesn't have time to be mouthy.

[Hedgehog]

Depends on the child. If it's one of my older dds, then I tell them to stop in their verbal tracks (they rarely disobey this one). I then ask them why they said what they did, and we discuss what would have been a more appropriate thing to say/way to say what they were thinking. I've never heard either of them swear, so that's not an issue right now.

 

If it's my ds, then I'll first try talking to him very quietly. He has to be quiet to hear me, and he's getting to know that if he doesn't listen when mama speaks, there's trouble. He usually complies. If not, then I might still have to get his attention physically. I prefer to do this by removing him from the situation and taking him somewhere alone to cool off, then we talk in a similar way as I would with my older dds.

[Starr]

You have to be tougher than they are.

[mamalbh]

ITA with Pamela, we've been working on this with 8yr dd. She's not allowed to say "but__(insert excuse)__" when told to do something, she is allowed to politely ask "May I finish ___ first?"

 

And if she pulls an attitude & starts arguing - vinegar or soap in the mouth:scared:

[goldberry]

Things I'd suggest:

 

 

6) Teach your kids, NOT in the situation, a cue. For us, we said, "take two" and/or raised two fingers. That meant, "you have two seconds to decide whether to state that appropriately; or do as your told and we'll discuss it after you comply, if you want. We didn't hold them to the two second thing. It was fine for a little kid to breathe, play with his fingers a minute, and then turn heel and take out the trash....or to take a minute and a few deep breaths and state his case.

 

You MAY, depending on the age of the child, give him the words he's looking for if you know them. For example, if he hollers about how it's not fair because of XYZ, you can restate it for him so he knows what TO say.

 

Honestly, I think punishment MAY have a place at times. However, I see a LOT of people punishing their children without DISCIPLINING (teaching/guiding). These are life skills kids need. And it works just as fast, if not faster to give them an appropriate say AND to teach them social skills (this is when we talk about things and this is when we don't). Don't talk to me that way and sending the kid away makes mom feel like she's done something and made the kid pay for being naughty, but teaching him when and how to say things correctly gives him the skills he needs for life. He may well learn those over time if you just punish him. Many kids do! However, it just seems better to teach instead of punish. It certainly is a lot more peaceful.

 

Good ideas! I like the idea about giving them a cue, that way you don't have to embarass them in public if they respond.

 

When my dd11 was getting especially mouthy, I sat her down and told her that while I didn't want to embarass her in public or in front of her friends (I try to avoid that whenever possible) that we were getting to the point she was leaving me no other choice. And that from now on if she couldn't speak appropriately to me, she was not going to like the results. That helped quite a bit, in public I can give her a look and she usually shapes up.

[mhg]

Quit feeding them. Really. Why should you cook for a mouthy brat?

 

:iagree: Love it!

 

 

Also.....recall that great scene from the movie A CHRISTMAS STORY (Peter Billingsley version) where his mom is washing his mouth out with soap and he's naming off all the brands/tastes of each.

 

My mom did this with me a time or two (and, believe me, it only took "a time or two"). Won't hurt them, AND it'll make quite an impression, and don't let them rinse immediately.

 

The rinsing of the mouth with soap coupled with the no food prep (or better yet, slice up a few pieces of the soap --- not to make them eat THEM, but to make your point that not only am I not cooking, but what's on your plate is what your filthy mouth deserves for a time until it's cleared up). And I'll bet they go from this :ack2:and:drool: to this :001_smile::Angel_anim: in just a few days.

[gracesteacher]

We do Apple Cider vingar. I give her that just enough to get it in her mouth and ask her how foul it tastes and I tell that is the foulness of her behavior. A gf of mine uses sugar afterwards to do the differnce of how better it is to have a sweet mouth and behavior

[Kirch]

Things I'd suggest:

 

1) a set answer. "Yes ma'am" or "Okay, mom" take just enough time to get rid of the junk response.

 

2) A positive answer is appropriate even if it's not the set answer. But negative is not appropriate.

 

3) Teach them how to broach the subject with you APPROPRIATELY. At first, this would be to obey then come back and discuss it like, "mom, next time, may I finish the chapter before I take out the trash?"

 

4) Along with that, be mindful of transitions. It really is rude that we ask our children to take out the trash a time outside of chore time while they are in the middle of the chapter unless it's an emergency. My kids were much more positive about our "fast cleans" because any other time, I was reasonable such as, "after you finish that chapter, please take out the trash."

 

5)Once they get the idea of broaching the subject appropriately after the fact, they can start doing it in the situation IF appropriate. You can also let them know when it's not an appropriate time to discuss things such as, "Mrs. Nabek is coming by in a few minutes so could you run the trash out?"

 

6) Teach your kids, NOT in the situation, a cue. For us, we said, "take two" and/or raised two fingers. That meant, "you have two seconds to decide whether to state that appropriately; or do as your told and we'll discuss it after you comply, if you want. We didn't hold them to the two second thing. It was fine for a little kid to breathe, play with his fingers a minute, and then turn heel and take out the trash....or to take a minute and a few deep breaths and state his case.

 

You MAY, depending on the age of the child, give him the words he's looking for if you know them. For example, if he hollers about how it's not fair because of XYZ, you can restate it for him so he knows what TO say.

 

Honestly, I think punishment MAY have a place at times. However, I see a LOT of people punishing their children without DISCIPLINING (teaching/guiding). These are life skills kids need. And it works just as fast, if not faster to give them an appropriate say AND to teach them social skills (this is when we talk about things and this is when we don't). Don't talk to me that way and sending the kid away makes mom feel like she's done something and made the kid pay for being naughty, but teaching him when and how to say things correctly gives him the skills he needs for life. He may well learn those over time if you just punish him. Many kids do! However, it just seems better to teach instead of punish. It certainly is a lot more peaceful.

 

I really appreciate what you've posted here. I especially like #6 about the cue--I can see this working for us eventually. But what do you do if after the cue he still refuses to do what you've asked or speak respectfully? Or if he runs screaming from the room, throwing a fit? :glare:

 

We're already working on respectfully asking to finish or get to a stopping point in whatever activity he's doing, and that's helping some.

[Tap]

We handle things a lot like Pam....

 

Things I'd suggest:

 

1) a set answer. "Yes ma'am" or "Okay, mom" take just enough time to get rid of the junk response. Here I just ask the kids to look at me and say 'okay' or some other form of positive acknowledgement. I don't like it when people speak to one another but the other party doesn't respond to let the first party know they were heard.

 

2) A positive answer is appropriate even if it's not the set answer. But negative is not appropriate. My kids are always welcome to have a discussion with me about just about anything....when it is an appropriate time. If I ask them to clear the table for dinner, that is not the time to discuss the 'whose day is it' rules. If I ask someone to do it, I expect that someone to do it. Politely and pleasantly. I treat my kids with respect, I treat my husband with respect, I treat strangers with respect, I expect the same in return.

 

3) Teach them how to broach the subject with you APPROPRIATELY. At first, this would be to obey then come back and discuss it like, "mom, next time, may I finish the chapter before I take out the trash?" I agree, timing can mean everything. Kids are not to young to learn to master this.

 

4) Along with that, be mindful of transitions. It really is rude that we ask our children to take out the trash a time outside of chore time while they are in the middle of the chapter unless it's an emergency. My kids were much more positive about our "fast cleans" because any other time, I was reasonable such as, "after you finish that chapter, please take out the trash." I couldn't agree more. I don't expect my kids to be at my beck and call. If they are in the middle of something, respect that. I try to model for my kids how I want the to behave. I do expect that they actually complete the chore or task in a reasonable amount of time and without being asked again. As long as they can get the task done, why does it have to be this second?

 

5)Once they get the idea of broaching the subject appropriately after the fact, they can start doing it in the situation IF appropriate. You can also let them know when it's not an appropriate time to discuss things such as, "Mrs. Nabek is coming by in a few minutes so could you run the trash out?" Sometimes, I ask the kids to do something Now, and I try to let them know why it is important to me to be done now. They are really great about this, because they know I respect their time when there isn't urgency.

 

6) Teach your kids, NOT in the situation, a cue. For us, we said, "take two" and/or raised two fingers. That meant, "you have two seconds to decide whether to state that appropriately; or do as your told and we'll discuss it after you comply, if you want. We didn't hold them to the two second thing. It was fine for a little kid to breathe, play with his fingers a minute, and then turn heel and take out the trash....or to take a minute and a few deep breaths and state his case. LOL For us, it is 'please go out of the room and come back in, asking me that question in a more appropriate manner. If they stumble, I give them some words to use. We did this a lot in the 5-6yo stage. When dd used to get a bit of a snotty voice with me, I would look at her and ask her if she wanted me to "respond to her in the same tone she just used, or if she would like to rephrase that." If she just looked at me, a good minute or two of me demonstrating her attitude (in a funny way of course) usually broke the mood and a better attitude appeared.

 

You MAY, depending on the age of the child, give him the words he's looking for if you know them. For example, if he hollers about how it's not fair because of XYZ, you can restate it for him so he knows what TO say. Since adults are not usually the ones getting asked to do things by other adults, kids don't get to see appropriate behavior sometimes. I know sometimes the kids hear a lot of back talk on TV, or see it in certain families. When it starts to appear we spend time talking about it. I let them know that I don't always want to do things for them that they ask of me, but I still do. I don't blow up at them over wanting a ride to a friends house etc. I try to give them a lot of examples of the many, many things they ask of me every day. I try to show them how we as a family, don't treat each other in that way.

 

Honestly, I think punishment MAY have a place at times. However, I see a LOT of people punishing their children without DISCIPLINING (teaching/guiding). These are life skills kids need. And it works just as fast, if not faster to give them an appropriate say AND to teach them social skills (this is when we talk about things and this is when we don't). Don't talk to me that way and sending the kid away makes mom feel like she's done something and made the kid pay for being naughty, but teaching him when and how to say things correctly gives him the skills he needs for life. He may well learn those over time if you just punish him. Many kids do! However, it just seems better to teach instead of punish. It certainly is a lot more peaceful.

[Pamela H in Texas]

But what do you do if after the cue he still refuses to do what you've asked or speak respectfully? Or if he runs screaming from the room, throwing a fit?

 

I think it depends.

 

If it's the speak respectfully part, you IMMEDIATELY stop him in his tracks each time he starts. Don't let him get out full phrases in a nasty tone of voice or inappropriate words. The second you hear it's STILL not going right, correct. Part of the idea is to not only teach him to do it right, but NOT let him do it wrong. So many people allow the diarrhea of the mouth and of course they get frustrated. I'd get angry if I ever let a kid yell at me too! You can tell within a word or two if he's trying or not. Stop him then if it's still all wrong.

 

You can also step in and HELP them at any point. At first, "take two" (or your version) isn't going to mean much. So coach him. You can say, "how about, 'mom, I'm frustrated because....'" or whatever may be appropriate. That way they know that you're trying to hear them, you just want to hear it appropriately. After a time or two, he'll know that "take two" means that he needs to try again.

 

Also, he may not understand exactly what is wrong about what he's saying or how he's saying it. In our home, we used "T.O.V." for tone of voice. They knew that meant to take it down a notch, maybe purposely using an extra quiet or sweet tone.

 

BTW, we also did practice sessions for these things.

 

And occasionally, I even warned my ds with something like, "I'm going to tell you to do something and you're going to respond with "okay mama" and then go do it." My ds had difficulty with some of the "go do it" type things because he didn't transition well so I also would give him time to wrap his head around things, such as, "It is 6:00. At 6:15, I want you IN the bathtub."

 

Not obeying is not an option. Now, this is a WHOLE lot easier to instill when they are TWO rather than TEN. If your kiddo knows, without a doubt, that they ARE going to comply, either willingly or not, they are going to push back a whole lot less often. I NEVER said things three times, counted to three, or gave the choice of a timeout or spanking instead of immediate compliance. I made things happen when they were itty bitty. So I had very little trouble regarding compliance as well as mouth. But basically, with a child you can't "help" comply, the world stops until they do comply.

 

Running to the room upset may be appropriate. My kids were taught from early on to take a "time out" (nonpunitive) if they needed it. I typically run to my room (or the bathroom) when I need some time too. When not appropriate, of course you have to deal with it. This may be "helping" comply or stopping the world or whatever.

 

You really have to judge the situation at hand. Different things go differently.

 

Honestly, I'm having a lot of trouble with most of the suggestions in this thread. That is mostly because my brother was a tough nut (like my ds); and I considered the ongoing spanking, washing mouth out, yelling, etc to be abusive to both him and me (for having to endure it going on). Sure, my parents did lots of punishing for misbehaving and I know they hoped he'd finally get it. But tougher kids needs BETTER methods, not just more punishment. And if you're gonna give the tough nut something better, why not all kids? Not to mention that I don't want my kids to disrepect THEMSELVES enough to submit to being hit or having junk put in their mouths and the like. And I wouldn't feel at all respectful or respectable doing those things.

 

I understand most kids are much easier and only are hit a few times, have their mouths washed out a few times, etc. And most people never really need to questions these methods because they "work" and won't damage their kiddo. It's just not necessary. Being firm but respectful works just as well with an average kid and is better for the one who is going to see the hypocrisy of his parents being so disrespectful.

 

But I do agree that you need to act swiftly, firmly, and expect resolution (kid hushing, kid complying, kid stating himself respectfully, kid taking some time to get himself together, whatever). I don't think children should be allowed to be disobedient, disrespectful, etc. But by using strong discipline and doing so extra quickly and consistently, you can help him do better so punishment is unnecessary.

 

Hey, that is basically my method. Respond immediately (if not sooner), be extra consistent, and teach. Punishment becomes like innoculations (used rarely and then becomes even more rare).

[Laura Corin]

I would surprise the child with positive attention. If what the child wants is a reaction - give her hugs. Hold her until the feeling is satisfied. Talk to her about how people in your family love each other and speak to each other, then let her go. Repeat until the need to get a bad reaction from you fades and the child comes for hugs instead.

 

Note: I am not advocating ignoring bad behaviour. I'm a strict parent with well-behaved children. I just attempt to draw my children into the heart of the family, where behaving well becomes instinctive.

 

Laura

[fairfarmhand]

Found this poem and thought it was appropriate

 

Tone of Voice

 

t’s not so much what you say

As the manner in which you say it;

It’s not so much the language you use

As the tone in which you convey it;

“Come here!†I sharply said,

And the child cowered and wept.

“Come here,†I said –

He looked and smiled

And straight to my lap he crept.

Words may be mild and fair

And the tone may pierce like a dart;

Words may be soft as the summer air

But the tone may break my heart;

For words come from the mind

Grow by study and art –

But tone leaps from the inner self

Revealing the state of the heart.

Whether you know it or not,

Whether you mean or care,

Gentleness, kindness, love, and hate,

Envy, anger, are there.

Then, would you quarrels avoid

And peace and love rejoice?

Keep anger not only out of your words –

Keep it out of your voice. ~Author Unknown

[Kirch]

Thanks, Pamela. I think we've been groping our way in that direction already. I've finally decided that I'm not going to let him make everyone else miserable and frustrate me until I snap--he can just go sit by himself until he's ready to be respectful/pleasant and cooperate. And NOTHING else happens for him until he does. I need to get better about the IMMEDIATE part of it and the not-in-the moment discussing and teaching what to do and what will happen if he does fly off the handle.

 

Part of the problem is a temper thing, too. If he's trying to get out something and I interrupt a couple of times and tell him to try again, I can guarantee he will LOSE IT and become a screaming maniac. Maybe I need to try that, but just modify it to make him say it again when he's done until he can do it respectfully. We've had a little success with that lately.

 

Thanks for your insights--I've really been realizing lately that the only thing that will work for this ds is *smarter* discipline, not just more discipline or harsher punishment.

[Dolphin]

We do some similar things. We have a count to 10 time out. That way if we are in public or with his friends I can say "take 10" If we are at home alone he does it on the time out wall, if we are out he just steps away. The one time that he choose to see what I would do if he didn't, I explained that DS was making bad choices and we would need to leave, and we did. We got to the car and he was told that I was very mad and the wise choice would be to sit down and not say a word until I was ready to talk to him. I found that sometimes not knowing the punishment right away is a very effective punishment. At home he got to help with chores the rest of the day. The take 10 also works, as now that they are older I will sometimes close my eyes and count to 10 when they are misbehaving and when my eyes open they usually look at me and say I am sorry right away.

 

We do Cinder Fella punishments (I am sure my DD will soon get Cinderella) my favorite is cleaning the kitchen floor with a toothbrush.

 

We also for repeat offenses do lines. My DS had a problem for a few months with telling lies. I made him write I must not tell lies 25 times and told him that I would add 25 every time he told a lie. 150 lines and after that we have not had a lie in over a year.

 

I hope this does not sound like I am a harsh mom. My children are very good, and very happy. I believe in being strict but flexible. We have certain areas where I expect 100% obedience, but I try to make sure that there are more areas where they are free to be themselves and kids. We have a house where we put our feet on the furniture, are loud, sing alot and can all express our ideas and opinions.

[QueenCat]

I need to get my eyes checked.... I thought your post said "monthly punishments" at first glance..... you got a lot of good advice. The most important is loving consistency.

[helena]

When mine get mouthy, I pull out our etiquette books. We start reviewing, roll playing, reading, etc.

There are books on manners for every age, toddlers to teens. I talk a lot about the difference in quality of life for someone who is well mannered, and someone who isn't.