Wendi Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 We just spent another vacation back where both our moms and some of our siblings live. Also, we have a number of very close friends there. (It's where I grew up, and dh lived there since college.) It's pretty stressful, and I don't want it to be. It seems like family members get jealous if you spend more time with the other side of the family or with friends. We can't possibly please everyone. Plus, it's our vacation that we paid for; shouldn't we get to see our friends as well as our family if we want to? Another factor is that our 13-year-old son has Asperger syndrome (just diagnosed). So he doesn't handle the stress of traveling, other people's house rules, all the social interaction, etc., very well. We have to make sure there's enough down time for him, and things he will enjoy. Family members are not all on the same page with his issues and diagnosis; some really think we exaggerate or baby him, which is another source of stress! He did have one big meltdown on vacation, but thankfully it was at our friends' house who are understanding and supportive; I can't imagine if it had been at my mom's! She's a wonderful person; she just doesn't understand my son's struggles and the way we handle them. Anyway, after this recent trip, I'm frustrated. Anyone else dealing with the stress of visiting family and friends for vacation? We can't afford to make the trip very often, either; we moved away almost 7 years ago, and we've only been back four times. Anyone else out there in our shoes? Wendi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Anyone else out there in our shoes? Yes. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 That is why I've only been back once since we left 8 years ago. Both sets of parents are better off financially than we are. If they want to see us they visit here. We have gone on vacation with both my parents and with dh's mom. Actually my mom and dad just left. They came up here, liked the area and are now having me house hunt for them. It wasn't too long ago that I sat down with my mom and told her why we don't visit. Once they are here we will be able to go back to dh's side of the family periodically without the stress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Those are not vacations; they are visitations. :) It helps to have your expectations straight. Seriously. Don't expect time visiting family to be relaxing and rejeuvenating; it's draining, yet very important nonetheless. Take your vacations somewhere else. We divide our time exactly evenly between dh's family and mine. I rarely visit old friends when we visit. I have to prioritize family since time is short. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shannatheshedevil Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Yep. We're military. Both of our families are on the Gulf Coast (Mobile, AL and Panama City Beach, FL) and we have lived in Savannah, GA, Okinawa, Japan, and (for now) Frederick, MD (about an hour from DC). We're getting ready to move to Italy in a few months. When we lived in Japan, my parents paid to fly me home, so I spent most of my time with them. My MIL hemmed and hawed, but the way I saw it, they shelled out a lot of money to get me and the grandchild there, so they earned that right, but my MIL was angry about it. I'm dreading coming home to visit from Italy- I may just not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 After years and years of pleasing everyone I simply don't go home anymore. When we came to Germany 5 + years ago I decided I didn't want to go back to the same old routine. I simply haven't been back...I have a free ticket and they can't figure out why I don't want to come.... yeah right. ;) I have no desire to go back there for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom in High Heels Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Ugh! Been there, done that. We live in Germany (a total of 8 years now) and I hate taking our "vacation" to visit family. Too many people want a piece of us and get upset if we don't find the time to see them. It's crzy stressful and it costs too much for us to fly to the States just to tick people off. Indy and I went to the States last year and it was the most stressful month of my life! I decided we would NOT do it again. Plus, there's nothing for us to do there except sit around someone's house. Boring. I told my family that the plane flew both directions and if they want to see us, they were more than welcome to fly over here. There's tons of stuff to see and do here, so why shouldn't they come see us? My dad flew over last year and did the Battle of the Bulge Memorial walk with us (65th anniversary of the battle), went to Normandy, Paris and stayed through Christmas. My mom and step-dad are flying over this Christmas for a month and again in May to take a Med. cruise. My dad and step-mom are coming in July to spend a few weeks touring Europe. They have a free hotel, so why shouldn't they visit us instead of us visiting them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Anyone else out there in our shoes? Yes. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flobee76 Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 DH & I were JUST discussing this same thing over the last few weeks. In fact this morning, DH said, "We're gonna have to go out there." We live near my family, but his live across the country. It's the other way around tho, we are a little better off financially from his sibs, but c'mon... our kids our 6, 3, and 18mos. We'd have to pay for all those tickets, then baggage, then CARSEATS to be checked. Not to mention car rental, and then a place to stay (since his mom is a hoarder). No one in his family makes an effort to try and save up to come out here and visit us. Only his mom. And yes, once we get there, it's like travelling to another dimension... a place in which no one knows were to go, where to eat, what to do, and "Why can't you guys stay longer" or "Why can't you guys skip that visit with so-and-so". These people are so stressed out that it stresses us out. My poor DH has to give himself pep-talks when we visit... :lol: Anyone ever watch Seinfeld? SERENITY NOW!!!!! seriously?? :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 My mom is jealous that we will see my mil every summer but not my side when it's the same 10 hours to get there (one in New Eng area, one in NC). She would be so hurt to learn that it's just so much more pleasant to go to NC--Our excuse has been that 5 of dh's 6 sibs live just up the road or at least have land and come to visit when we go to NC, so we get to see many more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhondaJK Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Oh yeah. DD9 and I did Mn to ID in July. It was stressful but I think it went well. I limited time with my sister, and concentrated on time with my Mom, older DD, and grandson, arranged one afternoon potluck at a local park with swimming and a water slide, for everyone to get together. If anyone complained, I reminded them that Mom is 70 and we seldom get to spend time together. Sister threw out a few digs but I played deaf and walked away. Time was too short to get caught up in her sibling rivalry issues. My family put the "FUN" in dysfunctional. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendi Posted August 25, 2010 Author Share Posted August 25, 2010 Those are not vacations; they are visitations. :) It helps to have your expectations straight. Seriously. Don't expect time visiting family to be relaxing and rejeuvenating; it's draining, yet very important nonetheless. Take your vacations somewhere else. We just got back from our "visitation", and we're looking for deals to spend a few days at the beach next month! Wendi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjbeach Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Ah, yes. And the visits are good reminders of why we actually moved 15 hours away. I miss a LOT about home but I certainly don't miss the drama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysparkler Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 We moved from PA about 12 years ago (where both of our families still are) and we've only been back about once every 3 years. We ask them to come stay with us. It is just so expensive and difficult to travel often with all of the kids. Dh's parents visit us 3-4 times a year, and my family visits us once every 3 years. It works fine for us, and everyone seems to understand the less frequent visits as the children get bigger (and more active in sports, etc.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iluvmy4blessings Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Been there! This is my advice. Only go visit the people who are 100% supportive and don't give you any issues. They understand you have to split up your time between people and they don't fuss about it. In fact, they appreciate you took the time to see them. Anyone who does not fall into that category can take it upon themselves to fork out the money and come see YOU if they really want to see you. It's your money and your time. Enjoy the vacation and weed out the people who are not going to be understanding. I actually do take my own advice. I do not visit several family members b/c they don't know how to behave themselves for lack of a better term. Once you put your foot down they will get with the program most of the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixie Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 We have definitely been there. We are trying to go to France for Christmas but it is a nightmare trying to organize this and make sure we get to see everybody and nobody feels left out and make sure this is still a vacation for us. My parents live on one side of France, dh's dad on the other so it is always a lot of travelling for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 I deal with that every time I go home. I thought it was a leftover habit from when I was a child of divorced parents who fought over me. When I recently broke my back, and was in the hospital in pain on painkillers unable to move, I fielded no less than six phone calls from relatives who wanted me to take a side in their arguments over who would get to take care of my kids while I was sick. (A month later no one wanted them anymore, but that's another story.) I was incoherent and being whisked from x-ray to neurosurgeon and they were whining to me on the phone about why the others shouldn't get the kids! It is stressful indeed. I don't think there's any other stress quite like it. There are worse things, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate in Arabia Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 We live far from both sides of the family; every summer we spend one month with my family and one month with my inlaws. It is not a vacation, although I think both sides try and be accommodating. One thing I do is haul schoolbooks everywhere; I don't do every subject, but we did math, English and Arabic nearly every day during our "vacations". I think it helped my kids to have that continuity and structure, we would sit together for about 2 hours a day. I could almost see the tension drain out of them as they relaxed around whatever table we had and spent time on familiar things. Even though there were token complaints. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
runmiarun Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Anyone else out there in our shoes? Wendi Oh yeah. :grouphug: to you. As my husband and I say when we get back from a "visitation", who needs enemies when you have family? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Ah, yes.And the visits are good reminders of why we actually moved 15 hours away. I miss a LOT about home but I certainly don't miss the drama. :iagree::iagree::iagree: We really detest going back to visit our families... we try to avoid it at all costs, actually. My mom comes to us 2-3x/yr and my inlaws are usually 1x/year (although I'd prefer they don't come at all - yes, I'm evil when it comes to them). We fully understand! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen+4dc Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 then baggage, then CARSEATS to be checked. Not to mention car rental, and then a place to stay (since his mom is a hoarder). seriously?? :glare: Just thought I'd mention that continental checked ours for free this summer on our vacation as an "exception" item. You might ask, all they can do is say no.:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Ayup. When we lived in FL, we were expected to travel to NY to visit. Now we live in CT, and we're expected to travel to FL. Sometimes you just can't win. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dm379 Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Yep. There's a reason why we always request duty stations as far from home as possible. We only go back during moves. Nobody ever visits us nor do they call so what they say goes in one ear and out the other. I see family out of duty, not because I like it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendi Posted August 25, 2010 Author Share Posted August 25, 2010 It's not that we have dysfunctional or toxic people in our families (well, every family has some dysfunction, but you know I mean). We love them, and had some great times with them. I just wish it was less stressful, and wondered if anyone can help us make it a better visit next time (whenever that will be). So now we're planning a few days at the beach for just the three of us. My mom visited us once, but otherwise no one in our families can/will visit us here. So I think that's part of the problem; we can only afford to visit about every 18-24 months, so there's a lot of pressure. Thanks for commiserating! Wendi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate CA Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 It's not that we have dysfunctional or toxic people in our families (well, every family has some dysfunction, but you know I mean). We love them, and had some great times with them. I just wish it was less stressful, and wondered if anyone can help us make it a better visit next time (whenever that will be). So now we're planning a few days at the beach for just the three of us. My mom visited us once, but otherwise no one in our families can/will visit us here. So I think that's part of the problem; we can only afford to visit about every 18-24 months, so there's a lot of pressure. Thanks for commiserating! Wendi I think you just need to be honest with those doing the complaining. I would say, "You know we have done our best to be here for this period of time and would really love to enjoy the time we have with you. It makes for a very unpleasant and stressful time to have you saying XYZ about the visit. Do you think we could just concentrate on enjoying what is happening right now instead of wishing it was more than it can be? I would love to do that." And then move into a conversation on something else. Sometimes we create our own craziness by allowing people to contend with us regarding our own choices. If they are not able/willing to come to you then I would make sure it is clear and not up for discussion the amount of time/days you are spending and where you will spend them. I would gently remind them that you welcome visitors and that you would love a visit with just them in your home. Some people do not value friendships as much as family because in their minds blood is more important. I have many friends that I consider as close or closer in some ways than family and I would absolutely spend time with them (and we did when we lived farther from family). We did stay with our family and we spent more time with them, but we also made our friends a priority to the best of our ability. I don't think I would allow discussion of my choices if I was you and I could help it if folks were trying to manipulate me. (Not saying this is happening - just "talking out loud" so to speak.) In reading the other responses, it makes me sad that so many people have such hard family situations. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaffodilDreams Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 I stole the term "oblication" from a friend of mine. We hole up at the family cottage in MI or the family farm in OK (both communal sort of abodes - open to whomever wishes to use them at any given time) and let relatives come to us. That seems to work out well for everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keptwoman Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 Yes! We have this issue too. And like you, our families are really nice and lovely, it's just that when we go back to New Zealand, it costs us thousands of dollars and we feel obligated to visit so many people. There is nothing relaxing about it, it is NOT a holiday, but it uses all our holiday money and then some. Last time we went home DHs parents did not hang around to see us because they had something else on, I think they thought we'd be back annually and didn't realise the financial burden. Well they are paying now, we haven't been back since and are about to tell them that only DH can come for their 50th wedding anniversary. Going home sucks big time, and I hate that because I love NZ and I want to be able to enjoy it, not spend the whole time visiting lots of people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny_Weatherwax Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 Anyone else out there in our shoes? Wendi Yes, I haven't enjoyed a family vacation in years because of obligations and stress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saw Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 We just got home from our annual trip to my parents, in WA. This part the kids and I like, because normally we get to relax and my parents are great. The problem is that every single year my in-laws decide to come up from CA and visit. This year it was MIL, FIL, BIL&wife&2kids, and BIL. One of the kids has "issues" that no one bothered to tell us about, so we thought he was just an out of control brat. One BIL is 30 but behaves like he's 16. Then my brother and 2 of his kids were there for part of the time, which was mostly good. Now we're back in Paris. On the day we arrived back to our house (which we moved into in May and is still filled with boxes that are not unpacked since we've barely been here) a friend came from the States with her two kids for two weeks. She's not here for us but because we're a cheap place to stay, and has very little good to say about anything she's seeing. So my head is about to explode! DDs are behind on school, DS starts pre-K next week but we're so clueless we don't even know which day or where the school is, DS9 has to be delivered to boarding school next week, haven't got tickets or anything. Okay, vent over, back to monitor quiet time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Goldwater Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 DW and I travelled 500 miles in car one way 5-6 times a year to visit family, after we moved away. Did it 8 mo. pregnant, through blizzards, with 1 1/2 yr old + NB infant, etc. etc. I used to always have to remind myself, esp. at Christmas time, 'THIS IS NOT A VACATION. THIS IS FAMILY FUN TIME...DON'T EXPECT TO REST/RELAX.' I feel your pain... A few yrs ago, both my inlaws & my parents relocated to be closer to us & the grandkids (one across the street & one about a mile away :w00t: ). So now 'I've got NO BUFFER ZONE!' Thankfully we all get along. I DO NOT miss the extra driving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 We live in the US, all our family and most of our close friends are in Germany. We try to go see them once a year. We do it in summer when I don't work and stay for a few weeks. This makes things much less stressful because we get to see all friends and family but it is not rushed. Since we are staying with my parents, this is not any more expensive than staying for a short period of time. We do look at it as a vacation, because we try to do other things besides family visits - we sightsee, hike, climb etc. I hate getting there because I hate air travel - but am looking forward to being there every year. It's like basking in love and friendship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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