support from husband

[cakesofstring]

We've been homeschooling now for a few years; my kids have never been to preschool or ps. My husband has always been unhappy, although he has become more unhappy the last couple of years. I don't know what to do get him on my side. We are having particular difficulties right now because my oldest is "trying out" ps. Against my wishes but with my extremely reluctant agreement, we decided he would go. Originally my husband said that he didn't have to go if he didn't want to go. ds went for 7 days and has refused to go for the last week. Yesterday we meet with the teacher and still no improvement. I hate the fact that he is being disobedient although I still completely understand the reasons. I have spoken with my husband on numerous occasions, but he still insists that ds should go. I keep reminding dh of his promise, and every time he gets mad and says "ok, fine take him out". i know that by doing so, i'll be going against his wishes even though he says that.

 

what i can't understand, is that dh was educated in hong kong according to something that sounds so much like classical hs. and the standards of education there are so much higher than they are here. and instance after instance, i keep showing him how both our ds are above grade level in reading and math, though not in writing or spelling. i am beginning to do classical hs with ds since he is refusing to go to school.

 

so now that i've have left off some steam, does anybody else have any experience with this kind of situation, past or present? i'm at my wits end from both sides.

 

-kim

[Rosy]

I have not experienced this myself with homeschooling, but I have in other areas. You and your husband need to present a united front. Your DS seems to know that you are reluctant to send him to school and is playing off of that. It's time to put on your big girl panties, smile sweetly at DS and say "time to go to school!" with a big smile. Make it fun for him. Get him a cool new notebook. Make fun snacks for his lunch. Do whatever you can to make school a positive experience for him. This way, you keep your family intact, even if your son is gone for a few hours each day. Would you rather have your son grow up in a less than ideal educational setting but with parents who love each other and are a team, or homeschooled but with divided (or divorced) parents?

 

The education decision isn't yours alone. The kids are his too, and he deserves a say in how they're raised. You got to have it your way for a few years. Maybe he'll realize after a year that it isn't what he wants for them (or maybe not).

 

Your DS doesn't get to refuse to go to school. That should not be an option for him, any more than refusing to go to bed, refusing to eat dinner or refusing to brush his teeth.

[Catwoman]

Your DS doesn't get to refuse to go to school. That should not be an option for him, any more than refusing to go to bed, refusing to eat dinner or refusing to brush his teeth.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

If you believe that there's a legitimate reason why your ds is so reluctant to attend school, pull him out and go back to homeschooling. If he just decided on his own that school simply isn't as much fun as he'd imagined, I think you and your husband need to decide what's best for him and act on that decision.

 

I don't think it's a great idea to let a 7 year-old make this kind of decision, and I certainly don't think it's a good idea to allow him to "refuse" to go to school, just because he doesn't feel like going. (If he's being bullied or there's another valid reason for him to fear school, you need to find out, but ultimately, the decision is still yours.) He's awfully young to have this level of control over you and your husband.

 

If you aren't sure what you want to do, tell your ds that he has to attend school until a certain date, and then you and your dh will re-visit the idea of homeschooling. If he really wanted to go to school, he should have to give it a fair shot before he quits -- and whether or not he goes to school should be YOUR call, not his.

 

Cat

[cakesofstring]

I get that he doesn't get to refuse to go to school. but i have done all the things to make school fun. the notebooks, the visits to school at lunch, the offers to eat in the cafeteria if he'll go, the special treats after school. but i can't get him to walk into the building. he sobs when i go to drop him off. when i pried him out of the van and put him on the ground he wouldn't move. i can force him out of the vehicle, but i can't carry him into the classroom. he has to put one foot in front of the other. and it isn't like my husband didn't make a promise. why does he get to break his promise? it is not something that i can ignore, when i had to fulfill my promise, personally. even if i could get ds to go.

[Rosy]

Your husband is probably feeling conflicted because he's getting so much resistance from both you and DS on something that is important to him. I'm not saying it's ok to break a promise...but he really needs your support. Put yourself in his shoes. What if you really wanted to try to get your DS to eat healthier, but DH was giving him junk food behind your back every time he refused to eat? You have to accept that your DH has the right to make educational decisions about his own kids. Until you do, you won't be able to convince your son that going to school will be good for him.

 

Unfortunately, DS has already come to believe that he can get you to take him home from school if he doesn't want to stay. What have you done to make a plan with the teacher to get him to go and stay? Can your husband take him to school? Have you talked to DS about how it's hard for you too, but we need to do this because we love Daddy and he wants to give it a try? Does he have friends there? Can you work on strengthening those relationships?

 

I know it's tough. I hate watching my kids be unhappy, especially if it's because of something DH did that I don't agree with. But they need you and he to be on the same team. That will have much more of an impact on them than being homeschooled or not.

[Parrothead]

Have you asked your dh to explain what it is that he thinks is so important about ps?

 

Most of the time you'll find there is one or two particular things that need to be addressed. Is it the big S? Does he want you to go to work? Does he feel that you could use better curriculum?

 

Once you find out what the problem is you can work on fixing it. And you need to fix it soon. You and dh need to sit down and calmly and rationally discuss it.

[Catwoman]

I get that he doesn't get to refuse to go to school. but i have done all the things to make school fun. the notebooks, the visits to school at lunch, the offers to eat in the cafeteria if he'll go, the special treats after school. but i can't get him to walk into the building. he sobs when i go to drop him off. when i pried him out of the van and put him on the ground he wouldn't move. i can force him out of the vehicle, but i can't carry him into the classroom. he has to put one foot in front of the other. and it isn't like my husband didn't make a promise. why does he get to break his promise? it is not something that i can ignore, when i had to fulfill my promise, personally. even if i could get ds to go.

 

Wow, I hadn't realized it was that bad! I'm sorry if I was harsh -- I really had no idea that your son was so miserable, and can completely understand why you're so upset and worried.

 

If my son was that upset about going to school, I would contact the school and let them know that we were going back to homeschooling. Tomorrow morning. Period. Done. Decided.

 

I know many people will disagree with me, and say that your husband absolutely has to be on board with your decision, but if you've always been your son's homeschool teacher and you believe that it's the best thing for him, make the decision and let your husband deal with it. He'll come around eventually, or maybe he won't, but you and your son are both miserable. You took a shot at school and it didn't work, and you're returning to the school routine that works best for you.

 

It's easy for your husband to say that your ds should be in school. It probably wouldn't be so easy if he was the one watching the poor kid sobbing in the school parking lot.

 

So my vote is to talk to your husband and let him know that you've made a final decision, and then call the school in the morning.

 

Cat

[Melissa in Australia]

Wow, I hadn't realized it was that bad! I'm sorry if I was harsh -- I really had no idea that your son was so miserable, and can completely understand why you're so upset and worried.

 

If my son was that upset about going to school, I would contact the school and let them know that we were going back to homeschooling. Tomorrow morning. Period. Done. Decided.

 

I know many people will disagree with me, and say that your husband absolutely has to be on board with your decision, but if you've always been your son's homeschool teacher and you believe that it's the best thing for him, make the decision and let your husband deal with it. He'll come around eventually, or maybe he won't, but you and your son are both miserable. You took a shot at school and it didn't work, and you're returning to the school routine that works best for you.

 

It's easy for your husband to say that your ds should be in school. It probably wouldn't be so easy if he was the one watching the poor kid sobbing in the school parking lot.

 

So my vote is to talk to your husband and let him know that you've made a final decision, and then call the school in the morning.

 

Cat

:iagree:I had a child that I had to pry their fingers off the car seat, and physically drag into the school. he would sob the whole time. I forced him to go every single day for a year. I was anti homeschooling at the time.:glare:. I now realize that it was bordering of physiological child abuse. I so wish that I had started homeschooling him then.

[Peela]

I think being true to yourself and your child is more important than being true to a husband who is being unreasonable.

Being true, doing what you feel is right, is more important because you have to answer to your own conscience, not your husband's- he has to answer to his.

I truly value my husbands opinion a lot of the time and he is truly a deep and wonderful friend to me...but I do not give authority to him to override my own integrity and wisdom, ever. Even with our children. No, we do not always present a united front, though we endeavour to as much as possible.

When I stand by what is right or best to the best of my knowledge, it always works out best, and dh comes around eventually. He has learned to trust me too.

[WishboneDawn]

I keep reminding dh of his promise, and every time he gets mad and says "ok, fine take him out". i know that by doing so, i'll be going against his wishes even though he says that.

 

Take him at his word. He's an adult, he can say what he means and be responsible for what he says. Further, he gave you his word. Honour that and remind him of the value you place in his honesty at by having him keep it. It's not fair to let him slide into the moral jeopardy of dishonesty because of what you think he really wants.

 

I think it a special wife thing women do where we tune out what a person really says and what would be the right thing in favour of what we think someone really wants. We want to be nice rather then good.

 

Then maybe find some way to involve him if possible so he can share in the fun and joy of homeschooling rather then be an observer.

 

Anyhow, good luck! :grouphug:

[WishboneDawn]

I have not experienced this myself with homeschooling, but I have in other areas. You and your husband need to present a united front. Your DS seems to know that you are reluctant to send him to school and is playing off of that. It's time to put on your big girl panties, smile sweetly at DS and say "time to go to school!" with a big smile. Make it fun for him. Get him a cool new notebook. Make fun snacks for his lunch. Do whatever you can to make school a positive experience for him. This way, you keep your family intact, even if your son is gone for a few hours each day. Would you rather have your son grow up in a less than ideal educational setting but with parents who love each other and are a team, or homeschooled but with divided (or divorced) parents?

 

I think this is excellent advice as well and should probably be followed before mine.

[Mom0012]

I would hold your husband to his promise or, at the very least, I would make him take the child to school. I wouldn't do it.

 

My husband would have to articulate very clearly to me why it was that he wanted him in school. I wouldn't do it "just because". I know they are his children as well, but you are probably the one that is putting in the majority of time raising them by far. I think that gives you more say in a situation like this.

 

My husband is a wonderful father, but I put in 95% of the effort in raising these children, so I make most of the decisions regarding them, and he is fine with that. If he felt strongly about something, we would discuss it and I would try to accommodate him if I felt it could be done, but something like what you are describing does not seem reasonable to me.

 

Lisa

 

ETA: Reading back through the posts, I feel Rosy has a very good point as well. If this is going to destroy your marriage, you have some tough choices to make. Only you know how serious or upset your husband will be if you take your child out of school. Divorce is a terrible thing and causes nothing but pain and suffering for everyone for years when there are children involved. Perhaps meeting with a counselor would help him articulate his reasons for wanting the kids in school and help you come to some sort of agreement.

Edited July 29, 2010 by LisaTheresa

[LizzyBee]

Is it possible that your dh feels neglected because you are busy with taking care of the kids and homeschooling? Would it help if you carved out some time for dh? Can you afford a babysitter and date night every other weekend or at least once a month?

[lmrich]

Your husband should take the kid to school for an entire week. Keep positive and up beat for the entire week. Get a babysitter for Friday night and go out on a date. Then calmly talk about this on Saturday morning while you both take the kids to a park.

[Impish]

I'd get dh to take him a few times. Then see what his position is on homeschooling.

 

I'm lucky...my dh has absolutely no intention of our kids going to ps, although I admit sometimes that that is a form of pressure and stress, him bragging all the time about our kids being hs'd...makes me feel under the gun to produce uber brilliant monsters...err...kids.

[NanceXToo]

You ALL- you, husband, son- agreed that this would be a trial and that if he didn't like it, he could come home. Right?

 

Your son doesn't like it. He wants to come home. So, I say keep YOUR promise, and bring him home.

 

Your husband may be doing some passive-aggressive "Fine! Take him out!" thing which you are translating as "I don't want you to"- but I wouldn't start playing that head game with myself or him. He already agreed previously. And he's SAYING "fine, take him out."

 

So take that at its face value, particularly based on your previous agreement with him, and take the kid out. That's what I'd do, anyway!

[emubird]

If your husband wants to go back on his promise, then he should be the one to explain why to your son. And he should be the one to drop him off at school. He needs to see what's happening, not just hear it second hand.

 

With my kids, when they were that reluctant to go to school, there was generally something going on that shouldn't have been going on. It's amazing how things can happen in there once the doors shut and the parents have been sent home. The teachers may not know, or worse, may know and are keeping it from you. You could call me paranoid, except that I've been through this.

 

When we were in similar situations, once I told my husband that it was HIS responsibility to get the kid to school, he suddenly began to understand why I wanted to keep them home. Later, we began to hear some of the things that were going on. We would never have sent our kids if we had known. Kids can't talk much. Ten years later, I am only now hearing about some of the things that happened to my daughter in her first weeks of first grade before she refused to go anymore.

 

You're listening to your son. Your husband needs to listen too, so you can both discuss it with the same knowledge. If your husband won't participate, then you get to make the decision. If your husband doesn't understand that and can't eventually comes to term with it, then your marriage is in a lot worse shape than this particular event would indicate and bowing to his wishes may create more harm. Do your part by involving him in these decisions, but if he refuses to be fully involved in an adult fashion then you have to do what's right for your son.

 

I didn't mean that in a harsh way -- nor do I mean that you should be harsh with your husband. But you can insist that your son be treated respectfully, while still respecting your husband. This shouldn't necessarily be your son's decision, but it should also not be the decision of someone who doesn't see the full situation (ie, as your husband seems to be, from reading your description).

 

I was in a similar situation with my husband. I told him my mind and got him involved. He wasn't happy, but months later he thanked me. He ended up closer to our kids because of it. Of course, you're not in my exact situation, so you'll have to see what seems best to you. I'm only offering that experience in case it seems to help.

[Catwoman]

Any updates? What happened this morning?

 

I hope everything is working out with your husband and son!

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

Still hoping for an update! :001_smile:

 

Cat

[cakesofstring]

wow. this really gives me alot to think about. it helps me to not feel so guilty about how i feel about this whole situation. i was thinking this morning about what if i capitulate, how does that guarantee a united front or a happy marriage. i often think that hs is much more important to me that to my dh, i spend much more time thinking about it, planning for it, dreaming about it. he says he doesn't think about it outside our arguments (which might just be because he is a man and not given to deep thoughts). and i have often thought that i am wrong for feeling so strongly and being so angry. i did get ds to go this morning, by walking him into his class, promising to meet him for lunch, and pick him up as soon as his core subjects are over which is only about half an hour early. he was weepy but not sobbing. it worked for today but there is no way i can keep this up. and someone said "unreasonable". i have often thought that about dh. especially with this lie. dh has always has scrupulous morals. it is one of the things i love about him. but this time...it makes me think he is out of his mind. maybe there is something i am missing but we have discussed over and over his problems with hs and it never improves. he thinks ps is good for a child's character as well as the social issues. and he has also said he doesn't like the way i do it. that was why i reluctantly agreed to try ps, because i could see that it was the only way for dh to see ps as it is. but now ds is paying the price for this experiment. maybe we need to keep talking and keep talking. and keep talking.

[WishboneDawn]

especially with this lie. dh has always has scrupulous morals. it is one of the things i love about him. but this time...it makes me think he is out of his mind.

 

Don't think of it as a lie yet please. He likely thought there would be a certain time frame that would constitute a fair trial and (probably not a couple of weeks) feels that hasn't been fulfilled yet. Sounds like you guys were too fuzzy on the terms of this.

 

Keep in mind that for someone who has problems with hsing he's given you a very generous amount of time to hs.

 

Give this an honest try. Don't start thinking along lines that cast doubt on your husband's character. You know he's a good and loving guy.

[WishboneDawn]

And yes, I did contradict my previous advice. :) Take what works for you.

[fairfarmhand]

and he has also said he doesn't like the way i do it.

 

What is his problem with the way you do it? Is there a way you could compromise there?

[cakesofstring]

well we were pretty specific when we made the deal. the deal was he didn't have to even walk in the door if he didn't want to. but maybe the point that was made that dh expected the trial to last at least a certain amount of time was true but he was unable to or unwilling to verbalize it. i agree this is a marriage issue and that is another reason i get so mad about it. it seems to me that there is a lack of respect or understanding or both. there has got to be some type of compromise here and i need to find some way to find it. i'm more than willing to change our curriculum. and i'd love it if he took up a topic or two. but compromise is so hard when dh is so strongly opinionated. and the funny thing is that he was the one who got me started in hs, due to some really cool family he once knew.

 

thanks guys. wish me luck. i'm going in. i'll let you know the results. though it might take a while.

[lmrich]

Hoping you have a heart to heart with your hubby. Please let us know; you have friends here if you homeschool or not.

[jld]

I agree with the school of thought that says mothers do most of the work raising the kids and should have most of the control over decisions regarding the kids. Mothers are just often more in tune with what is going on with the kids than dads. I would just do whatever you think is best and wait until later for dh to thank you.:)

 

I also don't believe in obeying your husband or presenting a united front if your heart is not in it. Being as honest as you can usually works best in life, I think.

[Rosy]

wow. this really gives me alot to think about. it helps me to not feel so guilty about how i feel about this whole situation. i was thinking this morning about what if i capitulate, how does that guarantee a united front or a happy marriage. i often think that hs is much more important to me that to my dh, i spend much more time thinking about it, planning for it, dreaming about it. he says he doesn't think about it outside our arguments (which might just be because he is a man and not given to deep thoughts). and i have often thought that i am wrong for feeling so strongly and being so angry. i did get ds to go this morning, by walking him into his class, promising to meet him for lunch, and pick him up as soon as his core subjects are over which is only about half an hour early. he was weepy but not sobbing. it worked for today but there is no way i can keep this up. and someone said "unreasonable". i have often thought that about dh. especially with this lie. dh has always has scrupulous morals. it is one of the things i love about him. but this time...it makes me think he is out of his mind. maybe there is something i am missing but we have discussed over and over his problems with hs and it never improves. he thinks ps is good for a child's character as well as the social issues. and he has also said he doesn't like the way i do it. that was why i reluctantly agreed to try ps, because i could see that it was the only way for dh to see ps as it is. but now ds is paying the price for this experiment. maybe we need to keep talking and keep talking. and keep talking.

 

Well, it sounds like progress is being made. I agree with Cadam--I would give him long enough to adapt--for me I would feel like I'd need to give it at least until Christmas to allow time for adjustment. And I'd bet you anything that you won't have too many more weepy mornings, especially if you can put on a smile and encourage him to have a great day.

 

If your DH is a good guy other than this one issue, I would really try to work with him and not dig your heels in, unless there's a reason to think your son is truly suffering. It is natural that he would be apprehensive about a change that Mommy is obviously unhappy about. If you can help him past that, he might be able to look back on this phase of life and have pleasant memories.

 

It might be best not to keep talking and talking and talking. It might be best to give it time and revisit the subject in a few months. If DS is still really upset after a few more drop-offs, I would go to him and say, "Honey, I'm doing everything I can think of to make school a positive experience, but DS is still having a really tough time. What do you think we can do to make it easier for him?" or something of that nature.

 

Good luck with your situation--I hope it continues to improve!

 

I agree with the school of thought that says mothers do most of the work raising the kids and should have most of the control over decisions regarding the kids. Mothers are just often more in tune with what is going on with the kids than dads. I would just do whatever you think is best and wait until later for dh to thank you.:)

 

I also don't believe in obeying your husband or presenting a united front if your heart is not in it. Being as honest as you can usually works best in life, I think.

 

I really don't understand that line of thinking. The husband goes to work all day to provide for the family, that is also doing the work of raising the kids. It is just as valuable as our being home with them. The DH goes to work all day, and as a reward he gets little or no say in what happens to his own kids?? I know I would have a very hard time going to work every day, only to hand over my paycheck to someone who didn't value my input in raising my own kids.

[Mom0012]

I really don't understand that line of thinking. The husband goes to work all day to provide for the family, that is also doing the work of raising the kids. It is just as valuable as our being home with them. The DH goes to work all day, and as a reward he gets little or no say in what happens to his own kids?? I know I would have a very hard time going to work every day, only to hand over my paycheck to someone who didn't value my input in raising my own kids.

 

I guess the way I think about it, is that the husband has one job and the wife has another. The wife is more in tune with what is going on with the children and what their needs are since this is her job. Also, decisions like this will affect her greatly, where they will have a minimal impact on the husband. At least, that is how it is at our house.

 

My husband coming home one day and saying he wanted to put the kids in school would be the equivalent of firing me from my job. I wouldn't be willing to accept that unless I felt my marriage was at stake. In the same vein, I would never tell my husband I wanted him to quit his job and get another. Right now, we could use a higher income but he is happy with his job. Is it okay for me to tell him that he has to quit and get a better paying job? To me, that is his decision because he is the one most impacted by it.

 

I'm sure there are situations where the father is more involved with the children than the mother, and in those cases, I would expect him to have a greater say in decisions affecting the children.

 

Lisa

[emubird]

If you can get the kid into the school without too much struggle, it may just be adjustment issues, as others have said. However, I got to the point with my youngest where I couldn't physically get her into the school building without committing a crime. The only way I was going to get her in there was if she were unconscious, and as I wasn't willing to knock her over the head, we were stuck.

 

I had to get my husband to take her in.

 

Until he discovered that she was also stronger than he was, unless he wanted to hurt her.

 

We just weren't going to go to that extreme. So we talked to the teacher instead. Whose main contribution was to tell us what terrible parents we were (ok, there was a lot more, but I'm not going to go into it except to say that I had a sudden, dawning realization why my daughter didn't want to go to school).

 

Now that it's all water under the bridge, the only thing I blame my husband for was insisting that we had to get our kid into that classroom because the kids were "so well behaved."

[Smithie]

"I think being true to yourself and your child is more important than being true to a husband who is being unreasonable."

 

:iagree:

 

And remember, he's only being EMOTIONALLY unreasonable. Rationally, he's consented to taking your son out of school. So deal with the ratioanl part of his brain and let the emtional thing sort itself out. Lord knows I depend on my husband to do this for me when I'm in the grip of misdirected anger.

[cylau]

I sent you a PM last night.

[Catwoman]

thanks guys. wish me luck. i'm going in. i'll let you know the results. though it might take a while.

 

I hope everything went well for you last night, and that you and your husband were able to reach an agreement.

 

After reading your last post, it seems to me that you are thinking clearly and reasonably, and that you are willing to make compromises in order to help your dh become more comfortable with homeschooling. You are willing to include him in the actual schooling process, and you want to hear his opinions on your curriculum choices.

 

I'm not sure what else you can do. It's not like you're sticking your tongue out and him and declaring yourself the winner.

 

I still think that if you really feel strongly that you should homeschool your son, you should make the decision and do it, but I also know that I'm only telling you what I would do in your situation. I know there's always some debate as to how much input a father should have into these decisions, and some women will say that you should always submit to your husband's wishes, others say you should always do what you want to do, and I would guess that the majority of us fall somewhere in between the two extremes. You need to do what feels right to you, and whatever that is, it will turn out to be the best choice for you and your son.

 

Sending you some :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Please keep us posted -- I've been thinking about you!

 

Cat

[mycalling]

Maybe I'm not seeing it, but why doesn't DS want to go? You only said you completely understand...understand what? Is something going on?

 

I am completely anti-PS, but there is no way I would waste everyone's time down there to enroll my ds when I never intended to make him walk through the front doors. You say, "We decided to try it out," was that including ds?

[tristangrace]

Peela wrote:

 

I think being true to yourself and your child is more important than being true to a husband who is being unreasonable.

Being true, doing what you feel is right, is more important because you have to answer to your own conscience, not your husband's- he has to answer to his.

I truly value my husbands opinion a lot of the time and he is truly a deep and wonderful friend to me...but I do not give authority to him to override my own integrity and wisdom, ever. Even with our children. No, we do not always present a united front, though we endeavour to as much as possible.

When I stand by what is right or best to the best of my knowledge, it always works out best, and dh comes around eventually. He has learned to trust me too.

 

I'm curious as to how it works out at a practical level if both parties operate under this principle. You seem to be recommending that both father and mother make unilateral decisions and override each other's parenting decisions. Does the mother withdraw the kid from school while the father registers him? Does Mom keep him at home while Dad drives him to school? How does that play out in real life?

[cakesofstring]

We did talk, though we didn't get to any conclusions thanks to my toddler and a thunderstorm. going to keep trying though. i asked some questions and wrote down the answers so i could think about them but the mania of our weekend has set in. the reasons seem to be the same ones we have talked about before...lack of discipline, ds's new fear of school stemming from his situation, i'm not a teacher, lack of organization. we have different styles of disicipline, no i'm not a teacher, i'm pretty organized though not to a t (it's kind of hard to be when you have a two yer old), and ds's problem does need to be addressed. before i got cut off i told him that we needed to come up with a plan of what to do with ds when he starts refuse again. i really want to do this with him because i'd rather him be on board. in the same light, i am the one who has to execute the "rules". even dh has not idea how to force ds to do as he wishes. ds's problems with school are his used-to-be-dislike-but now-has-become-hatred of writing, the dramatically increase of independent work and he misses his family, me in particular.

 

i hope i am still making sense

[Peela]

Peela wrote:

 

I think being true to yourself and your child is more important than being true to a husband who is being unreasonable.

Being true, doing what you feel is right, is more important because you have to answer to your own conscience, not your husband's- he has to answer to his.

I truly value my husbands opinion a lot of the time and he is truly a deep and wonderful friend to me...but I do not give authority to him to override my own integrity and wisdom, ever. Even with our children. No, we do not always present a united front, though we endeavour to as much as possible.

When I stand by what is right or best to the best of my knowledge, it always works out best, and dh comes around eventually. He has learned to trust me too.

 

 

I'm curious as to how it works out at a practical level if both parties operate under this principle. You seem to be recommending that both father and mother make unilateral decisions and override each other's parenting decisions. Does the mother withdraw the kid from school while the father registers him? Does Mom keep him at home while Dad drives him to school? How does that play out in real life?

 

In real life, its not neat. In real life, sometimes I get to make the choice and sometimes dh does and I will back off because its not a battle I am willing to engage in. And sometimes I will raise my head like a lioness and demand that my opinion is worthy of far more respect than it is being given. Mother lioness wins sometimes.

 

In my real life, if my husband is not taking MY perspective into serious consideration and is demanding his own perspective is more important...if I do not feel seen or heard properly, especially considering I am seriously more in the trenches with the kids than he is...I will not sit back and allow that sort of attitude to be the one thats get's to win at making decisions. I wont be put off by strength of opinion, if I have a valid and well thought out one.

 

It doesnt get to that so often. I have learned that my dh has a tendency to want to feel heard and valued..but if I persist, I will generally get through to him and he will swing my way.

 

2 years ago, dh was adamently against the kids joining a teen/adult gymnastic group nearby, because they also include freerunning activities there. He was terrified of the kids getting hurt. Even though they had both been doing gymnastics for years. I overrode him and took them. I felt he was being overprotective and I knew this would be an important class for the kids, both of whom had outgrown their kids gymnastic class. The time worked, the class was casual, and some of their friends were going- and it was local. It was perfect and perfect classes in the homeschooling world are valuable!. They are still going to that class and dh simply got over it. If there had been an accident...yes, he could have said "I told you so" and I could have been sorry. But the benefits have been enormous.

 

And last weekend....dd16 asked me if she could get a belly button piercing. I knew if she asked dh he would say no. He strongly dislikes piercings- which I feel is not a good enough reason to not allow a 16yo to have some sovereignty over her own body. So I said yes, and to just do it. He found out a few days later...was upset for a few minutes...and within a day told dd16 that it was very pretty and accepted the way I had done it.

 

Maybe I am just sharing how I deal with things in my marriage with a man with a very strong personality and very strong opinions, who would have no qualms overriding me if I let him ....even though he is generally well intentioned...and it is not so relevant to people who have more equally balanced partnerships. We dont undermine each other very often at all, and it doesnt always work well..but I could never do the always united front thing because it would involve too much compromise on my part. I have found that kids CAN handle two parents with different opnions. YES they will try to play one against the other..but if the parents respect each other's differeing viewpoints, the kids can too.

 

In the OP's case...I can completely understand that having dh on side is better than over riding him. But if it was in my heart and soul that he was wrong and this was one of those issues to draw the line on, and override him...I would.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Okay, first, I'm sorry that you're in this situation. Hopefully, in time, y'all will come up with a decision that works for everyone involved.

 

In the meantime, you agreed to send him to school and that is where dad wants him. You just get him there and deal with it until the decision that works for everyone comes along unless there is an EXTREME problem (abuse level).

 

And yes, you can MAKE him go to school. My brother was forcefully taken to school for awhile (he wasn't one to give in easily or respond to other punishment meted out). My own son was passed from me to another adult a few times before he got the message that he *was* going so he may as well walk. Honestly, it is your JOB to make him go to school if you are not homeschooling him legally. And continuing to miss school when he's enrolled is against the law; they are going to come after you for truancy.

 

Additionally, I believe we *should* respect children; but the fact is that there are a number of things you *should* make your son do in life that he may just not like for a time. Giving children the idea that they have a choice in *everything* can be extremely problematic. I am generally ALL for positive and gentle discipline, nonpunitive methods, etc. But I do believe children need boundaries and they need to mind their parents (or their parents will *make* them do so).

 

Anyway, again, I'm sorry for the torn feelings and frustration. But I think I'd treat this, until you can get the situation remedied, as a way to teach some other life lessons (following the law, minding parents, authority *will* make you do certain things, etc).

 

I always try to look at the positives of a situation. I may not be able to do what I'd like or what is ideal, but I can make the best of what I have to work with. You can do :)

[Catwoman]

Any updates?

 

I hope you and your husband have been able to find some time to continue your discussion.

 

How is your son feeling? Is he still dreading the thought of school, or is he starting to calm down about it?

 

Cat

[cakesofstring]

he went on thursday, and they didn't do literacy, plus i went with to his class, back for lunch, and picked him up early. he also went on friday which was early release, and from the sounds of it they did 20 minutes worth the work. is that not amazing?? they were there for 5 hours, and did math only, which was abbreviated, and went to art class.

 

anyway, friday was an ok day since it was so short. tonight i talked with him about what will happen tomorrow. i'll walk him to his class, while dragging my other two along. but i'm not going for lunch, and have a swim lesson for ds2 so i won't even be home when he gets home. he's grumbling like he was before, but i keep telling him one day at a time and one chunk at a time. we'll see if that is enough.

 

as far as dh, we talked some this weekend. we still don't have a plan, but i have one in my head. we talked about different curricula, different points where improvement is needed, etc. we talked about what his chinese parents think of all this. while we never said specifically that we are going to return to hs or not, i think his mind is more open. there was one point last week when i called dh to tell him that ds hadn't gone to school again. he asked what did i think we should do. i said we should take him out. he grunted, then said fine then take him out. and i repeated myself a couple more times, and got the same response. well i figured it was decided, so i started ordering books and notifying the teacher. when he came home he told ds he had to go to school, took away his allowance forever, etc. ds finally agreed to go, and that was the day i went to lunch with him. so i figured give it another try. my point is that on sat night i told dh i had already started buying books and notifying the teacher and his response was well why did you go back? and he wasn't mad about it; he just wanted to know.

 

i think we made some headway, but i wish we had a more specific plan heading into tomorrow. my plan is that ds finish out the track which is only 3 more weeks. that way, he does accomplish something, gets to feel some type of achievement. and then take him out if he is still miserable. if he is willing to keep going then we'll keep him in. it seems like the only compromise that will prevent him from getting out on demand and allow my husband to see that he has completed something and has less fear of school than if he got out on demand.

 

i guess it is the best i can do, and dh has already gone to bed. i guess we'll just see how resistant ds is tomorrow. i am one of those people who believe that it is difficult to learn to like something if it is being shoved down your throat. he can't learn to like school if he is being physically forced to go. but when he can participate in the solution, he might be able to let his guard down enough to give it a chance.

 

should be interesting.

 

thanks for being so supportive. hope you all have a great start to your week.

 

:001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I married into an Asian immigrant family (Filipino). My ILs see education as the primary way to success in life. And they see an American education as the primary way to the American dream. Then here comes this white lady and tries to take the American dream from some of their grandkids. It has taken some time but my ILs have come to accept our homeschooling and to see that our kids really are getting a good education.

 

On the flip side of this, I am committed to really giving them a good education and I make homeschooling a job. That doesn't mean that we don't have relaxed days or have a good time, but it does mean that I work hard to choose quality materials (this board has been invaluable for that) and that I do have a schedule and routines that help us to be consistent in our schooling. My dh was ambivalent about homeschooling when we started (as long as I didn't "screw it up"). But now he is totally behind it because he sees that it really is a good thing on a number of fronts.

[Catwoman]

I think your compromise (finish out the 3 week track) can work, and will also give you time to get all of your ducks in a row to start homeschooling again as soon as your ds returns home. Compromise may be a good thing for everyone.

 

BUT.........

 

The thing I don't understand is that every time you say you're bringing your ds home, your dh tells you to go ahead and do it... and then you ask again and he says the same thing... and after the third time, he still says it, yet you don't just do it. You initiate another conversation and get into another debate over it. It doesn't make sense to me. It's like you keep challenging your husband to see if he "really means it," rather than taking him at his word and saying, "Ok, then that's what we'll do." If you want to verify it, do it at that moment, and say, "We're in agreement, then? Great, I'll notify the school right now." And do it.

 

I hate to say this, because it's obvious that you love your ds and your dh and want everyone to be happy, but I think you're your own worst enemy in this situation. You may have to learn to live with the fact that your dh may not be 100% on board with homeschooling for years to come. But that doesn't mean that homeschooling can't work for your family. It sounds like your dh has valid concerns, and that you're working to involve him in your homeschool, so I'm very convinced that he will come around eventually, once he sees that you're doing your part and that your ds is accomplishing enough academically.

 

Honestly, though, please re-read your last post (and earlier ones, as well) about what you said and what your husband said, and try to see the pattern. Your husband has said yes to removing your son from school several times; you're the one who hasn't gone ahead and taken action on it. If you're concerned that your husband isn't sincere, forget about it, and act on his words. If he later says he didn't mean what he said, you can remind him that you verified his position with him after he said it, and so you took him at his word. He can't say one thing and mean another, yet expect you to read his mind and do the opposite of what he said. It's not fair and it doesn't make sense.

 

I hope you don't think I'm being harsh -- I honestly don't intend to be anything but supportive, and I want everything to go well for you!

 

Cat

[lisamarie]

Last year when DH essentially made me send DS to kindergarten (after a year of Young 5s), I fought it pretty strongly. But I still agreed to send him even though it broke my heart every day to drop him off. I made a point to volunteer in the classroom once a week so I could see what was going on in there. I saw quite a few things that really bothered me. I checked DS's schoolwork religiously and noted the lack of any actual work being done. I took all my concerns to DH but he brushed me off as overreacting. Then I convinced DH to go and volunteer in DS's classroom on DS's Oct 3rd birthday. DH came home from school saying that we would be pulling him out of school. The day was SOOOO horrible. It was almost comical.

 

But I didn't care that DH had a bad day, I just cared that he finally saw it through my eyes and didn't think I was just making mountains out of mole hills. We let DS finish out the month of October only because he was on the school soccer team and we wanted to let him finish out the season.

 

I think it would be completely reasonable to insist your DH take your DS to school and stick around for a few hours to see for himself what's going on at school. It might open his eyes greatly. My DH came home calling Kindergarten a tax-payer sponsored daycare.

[Catwoman]

I hope everything is going well for you, Kim, and that you will post an update when you can! :)

 

Cat

[cdrumm4448]

Maybe I am just sharing how I deal with things in my marriage with a man with a very strong personality and very strong opinions, who would have no qualms overriding me if I let him ....even though he is generally well intentioned...and it is not so relevant to people who have more equally balanced partnerships. We dont undermine each other very often at all, and it doesnt always work well..but I could never do the always united front thing because it would involve too much compromise on my part. I have found that kids CAN handle two parents with different opnions. YES they will try to play one against the other..but if the parents respect each other's differeing viewpoints, the kids can too.

 

In the OP's case...I can completely understand that having dh on side is better than over riding him. But if it was in my heart and soul that he was wrong and this was one of those issues to draw the line on, and override him...I would.

 

I completely agree. I have heard over and over about that "united front" thing. I just can't get past the idea of agreeing with something, anything, that I don't, well, agree with. DH's ideas and opinions are no more valuable than mine. My kids get differing opinions quite often. It helps to prepare them for the differing opinions of the world. I think it's more important to hammer out a compromise than to just go with anything my husband says. I am my moral compass, not anyone else.

 

Makes for fun times when we're around the in-laws as they are VERY traditional and believe the wife should NEVER disagree with the husband because he always knows best.

[Rosy]

It's not that I think my dh always knows best, but I do want them to see that mom and dad work for the same team and we do try to come to a mutually agreeable solution about something before informing the kids.

 

:iagree::iagree:And I think in a marriage where there is mutual respect, a wife will genuinely listen to her husband and try to find a way of working together (and vice versa). I wouldn't have married my DH if I wasn't planning to work together on raising the kids. I have to be able to trust him as their dad. And if he's a good, trustworthy man, he deserves to have decision-making power in his own home with his own kids.

 

I guess the way I think about it, is that the husband has one job and the wife has another. The wife is more in tune with what is going on with the children and what their needs are since this is her job. Also, decisions like this will affect her greatly, where they will have a minimal impact on the husband. At least, that is how it is at our house.

 

My husband coming home one day and saying he wanted to put the kids in school would be the equivalent of firing me from my job. I wouldn't be willing to accept that unless I felt my marriage was at stake. In the same vein, I would never tell my husband I wanted him to quit his job and get another. Right now, we could use a higher income but he is happy with his job. Is it okay for me to tell him that he has to quit and get a better paying job? To me, that is his decision because he is the one most impacted by it.

 

I'm sure there are situations where the father is more involved with the children than the mother, and in those cases, I would expect him to have a greater say in decisions affecting the children.

 

Lisa

 

Sometimes I think being with the kids all day and every day can give us tunnel vision. I think it is good to have a balance between the parent who is in the trenches and the parent who is standing back, seeing the whole picture from a distance but loves the kids and wants their well-being just as much. We come here to get an outsider's perspective, I think having two parents with different roles but an equal relationship with the kids is good for balance. I do think there are times when the husband should defer to the wife (assuming she's the primary caregiver) because she is directly involved, but I also think sometimes she needs to say "this is what's going on" and have him be able to bring up different ways to handle it.

 

I do think that in this case, it is totally reasonable for the OP to ask her DH to take him to school or pick him up a couple times. He should see the impact of his decision on the family.

[cakesofstring]

It has been a while and a few very eventful days. We did end up taking ds out. he went for one more day so he could end up on a "positive" note, rather than one whose image was one where he was being pulled away from me by two adults/strangers. He didn't even want to go one more day. i told him i'd pull him out just as soon as i picked him up, but i ended up doing it before i picked him up. when i got him he said, "hey i wanted to go to school tomorrow; it's computer day." which got a loud response from me, including we don't pick which days we can go, by tomorrow morning you'd be singing a different song, and we can't undo what we've done. at least now i've left him wanting more??

 

dh is ok with this. i mean what were our options...nothing that we were willing to do. i was unwilling to have him carried off screaming. i am looking for ways to include him more. and we'll just see what the future holds. he wants to send ds2 next year, when he'll be in first grade. but i can't tell if he really wants to or is just speaking out of frustration, which he does alot. so we are back and loving it already.

 

i gotta say everybody who has posted has been so helpful. i might not have followed the advice given, but it was good to have so many viewpoints. and to know that what i was feeling about being "fired" (which is EXACTLY how i felt) and other things, was ok. or at least not unheard of.:)

 

can't wait until my next problem??!! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: