WWYD? Kids and friends situation

[Moxie]

My oldest 2 kids have gone to a homeschool class for the past 4 years and really love it. The teacher and I have become great friends and the kids in the class have become my kids best friends (until recently). In the past year, my son has been the only boy in the class. He is a very immature 9 year old. He can be really annoying; I know that. I've noticed in the past 6 months that the girls don't want to play with my son and exclude him. This is being led by one girl in particular, the teacher's daughter.

 

Today, my daughter (age 7) was annoyed with her brother and said, "I don't like you and when people ask me, I tell them I don't like you". I scolded her for being mean and asked her what she was talking about. She told me that two of her friends from this class asked her if she liked her brother and she said no. They told her that they didn't like him either.

 

I'm considering taking the kids out of the class, not because my son cares (he is off in la-la land and doesn't seem to notice) but because of how it is turning my daughter into a mean girl.

 

This isn't a decision I am making lightly because there will be lots of hard feelings if we drop out.

 

Am I being too sensitive? Is this just normal boy/girl stuff? My DH thinks that this is what DS needs to learn to grow up. Is he right? Ugg, I don't know what to do.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Yes, normal boy/girl/kid stuff. I would have scolded her, too for what she said, but it IS normal. And, really, maybe your son needs a heavier dose of "hey, you are annoying the CRAP outta' people!" and this just may do it.

 

Is this the same boy who was "told" at a sleepover that he was being annoying by the other boys behaviour? If so, this may help. If not, maybe this is an epidemic. ;)

 

 

As for your daughter, I would have asked her, "if you overheard someone saying, "yeah, I don't like her either!" how would you feel about that?"

[LauraGB]

My daughter pulled that once, probably around the same age as your dd. She received a severe talking-to about loyalty, family, and grace. I think she understood loud and clear. She doesn't have to like her brother all the time, but she sure does need to remain loyal in the presence of others. As we all do.

 

ETA - I wouldn't pull her out. She needs to practice. I think it's just something siblings go through. Pretty natural.

Edited July 11, 2010 by LauraGB

[Starr]

I don't know if you need to break out of this group or not but I've left more than one group, well made changes, because the group was only working for one of my children or the other. For me it really needs to work out relatively well for all of us.

[StephanieZ]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Mean kids stuff puts me over the edge!!

 

But, these are good family friends, so I'd go to some real effort to trudge through the mess. . . as we know, (almost) all kids are mean sometimes, so I wouldn't want to lose those friends if avoidable.

 

Can you maintain the relationships & class participation while ramping up your supervision/involvement? Presumably, unkind things won't be said in your presence. . . and also, you can ramp up your guidance of your ds so that he becomes less annoying.

 

Unless you want to totally sever these friendships, I can't see that giving up the class would help solve the problem, as the class time is presumably a BETTER time for your ds to interact with them (more structured & supervised, so less chances to be annoying or mean) than free play. So, perhaps minimizing OTHER times together and focusing on making the time they are together better would be a middle ground to buy time for all to mature and interactions to improve?

 

I do think it is fair to set ground rules with all involved. When my youngest was annoying to the big kid crowds who came and played at our house, I had to firmly take ALL the kids in hand a couple times to ensure that they weren't being mean to her (ducktaping her to a tree!!!! tying her in a wagon and leaving!) I let MY kids know that if they were mean to a sibling b/c of the influences of their friends, that'd be the END of that friendship . . . and let ALL the kids know that they MUST be kind to the littlest one OR ELSE (they'd have to go home and not come back!) b/c it just WAS NOT ALLOWED at my house -- they could come to me for help, but NOT BE MEAN. I also made sure to supervise and rein in my littlest terrorist more carefully. . . Combined, the problem was controlled until, thankfully, everyone matured out of the problem w/o it escalating.

 

HTH

[jessamonk]

My oldest 2 kids have gone to a homeschool class for the past 4 years and really love it. The teacher and I have become great friends and the kids in the class have become my kids best friends (until recently). In the past year, my son has been the only boy in the class. He is a very immature 9 year old. He can be really annoying; I know that. I've noticed in the past 6 months that the girls don't want to play with my son and exclude him. This is being led by one girl in particular, the teacher's daughter.

 

Today, my daughter (age 7) was annoyed with her brother and said, "I don't like you and when people ask me, I tell them I don't like you". I scolded her for being mean and asked her what she was talking about. She told me that two of her friends from this class asked her if she liked her brother and she said no. They told her that they didn't like him either.

 

I'm considering taking the kids out of the class, not because my son cares (he is off in la-la land and doesn't seem to notice) but because of how it is turning my daughter into a mean girl.

 

This isn't a decision I am making lightly because there will be lots of hard feelings if we drop out.

 

Am I being too sensitive? Is this just normal boy/girl stuff? My DH thinks that this is what DS needs to learn to grow up. Is he right? Ugg, I don't know what to do.

 

How sad : (

I would definitely take them out of the school. Even if your son appears not to notice, he is probably still not receiving the type of love and acceptance that he should be receiving, or would be receiving at home. I am not someone who shuns every association with others and am not afraid to try co-ops and what-not in the future, BUT your post is rather heartbreaking, and I would not want my little guys treated that way. I know that might not be the answer you wanted, because it will add work/stress/conflict to YOUR life, but if it spares your son those same things, it will be worth it.

He's only a little boy once, and if he starts to believe that he is the way people see him (annoying, weird, etc.) then that may be who he thinks he is for the rest of his life. And he is not those things--he's your little boy whom you love. Maybe he is hard to be around. If so, then possibly the worst place for him to be is around children who tend to be impatient with oddities.

[teamturner]

I have a similar problem where my neighbors love my other kids but do not like my 4 yo dd. What I have tried is to have the kids play at my house so I could help my 4 yodd learn how to play nicely and be a good friend, i.e. reminding her to let her friend decide what to play instead of insisting on having her own way, not whining or crying when she is upset but to use her words and try to work things out.

 

Perhaps you could invite some of the class kids over to your house and help you ds learn to interact with the others w/o being annoying. In a subtle and not obvious way, that is. Also, I agree with the other posters who have mentioned to teach your dd to be loyal to her brother in those kinds of situations.

 

I don't think you need to leave the group over this, but it should be something that helps your ds work at learning social cues when he observes his behaviour is annoying others. One of my ds has issues with this sometimes and while it is painful, it is something they need to learn. It would be a determent to their growth as a person if we only allowed them to be around people that liked them. It's a balancing act because we don't want them to be abused either, but what you're describing sounds like it could be a learning tool for your family. Also, since you are good friends with the other mom, if things don't improve over time, I think you should solicit her help in finding a way for the kids to get past this issue and show grace all around.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would not leave the group. I would start attending the classes and sitting with your ds so that you can teach him how to stop being annoying.

[Gratia271]

She received a severe talking-to about loyalty, family, and grace. She doesn't have to like her brother all the time, but she sure does need to remain loyal in the presence of others. As we all do.

 

:iagree: Loyalty is the key here.

 

In the past year, my son has been the only boy in the class. He is a very immature 9 year old. He can be really annoying; I know that. I've noticed in the past 6 months that the girls don't want to play with my son and exclude him. This is being led by one girl in particular, the teacher's daughter.

 

Two problems that I notice here are (1)he is the only boy in the class, and (2)exclusion led by teacher's daughter. I don't know what you mean by immature 9 year old, but boys are certainly different than girls. Maybe that is part of the problem. Being stuck around girls all the time might be a stumbling block or be the impetus for immature behavior/reactions on his part. (2)The teacher's daughter has a problem too. There is no excuse for excluding others, and the adults in the situation should not tolerate this treatment.

 

 

Today, my daughter (age 7) was annoyed with her brother and said, "I don't like you and when people ask me, I tell them I don't like you". I scolded her for being mean and asked her what she was talking about. She told me that two of her friends from this class asked her if she liked her brother and she said no. They told her that they didn't like him either.

 

IME, this is disloyal.

 

 

[Rosie_0801]

You need to give your girl an appropriate come back to use. "I love my brother every minute of every day" would be asking a bit much :D

 

Rosie

[Forgiven]

I am in a similar situation as you. It's hard to know what to do. My DS(7) is very awkward and can be quite annoying. He really can be. But he's like every other kid in the way that he wants friendships, love, acceptance, and to have fun with other kids. It breaks my heart to see his awkward behavior and I just want to shield him from the nastiness of other kids.

 

It doesn't help that my dd(9) is very even-keeled and is liked by everyone that gets to know her. She's not outgoing, but she can make friends easily. And then there's my ds(5) who is a magnet to people. Everyone is drawn to my ds(5). Adults, other kids, strangers, even. If we go somewhere, my ds(5) gets all the attention. He doesn't even need to instigate it. He's one of those charismatic people who others love to be around.

 

My kids used to be in a private Christian school. My ds(5) was three at the time and in pre-K and didn't take a separate art class. His art was with his regular pre-K teacher. My other two kids had art with the art teacher.

 

One day I had all three of my kids and I was walking down the hall and past the art class room and the art teacher called out to my youngest ds and started a conversation with him, giggling and if he'd been an adult, I'd say she'd have been outrageously flirting with him. She never once said anything to or acknowledged my other two kids, both of whom she had in her classes, and she didn't have my youngest in her class.

 

Anyway, I'm getting off the poing...My ds(7) is right between my other two, who are socially acceptable. It's so hard to help him. I want to give him advice. I have given him advice, but he doesn't even realize how others view him. My dh also believes that he just needs a harsh taste of reality.

 

Well, at our homeschool swim class we go to, one of my good friends' son, who is a good friend of my kids and my ds(7) would consider him one of his BEST friends (even though he really has no real friends from what I've seen), told my dd(9) that my ds(7) was gay.

 

Now, I don't know how she responded. This only came up in conversation because my dd(9) wanted to know what "gay" meant. I explained it to her (explained homosexuality and all that business) and then she said, "Then why would N say that B is gay?"

 

She told me that she didn't respond to him at all, and I explained to her that if anyone ever says anything about either of her brothers that she is to reply by telling them that their comments are rude, disrespectful, and uncalled for, and that if they continue to say these things, then she is to tell me so that I can step in. Should I be stepping in at any given time? I have no idea.

 

I know that my ds(7) can be extremely annoying. I try to tone him down whenever I see him getting to that point. Normally, he's shy and quiet, but when around people he feels comfortable around, he just gets awkward and annoying. As if he doesn't know how to act around other people. For the record, he is "socialized", as non-homeschoolers will make sure to tell me to do with my kids. He's around other people all the time, with kids his age as well as others not his age.

 

I do believe homeschooling is best for him. He used to cry every day in Kindergarten when he went to a private school and the best I could summise is that other kids were making fun of him. Okay. I get it. He's not like all the other kids. He's a bit different. Why can't teachers notice that a kid is being picked on? Ugh. Anyway, I'm getting off subject again...

 

I just wanted to tell you that I feel your pain and I just am saddened that your son is going through this too. Best of luck to you and your son. If I find any way to help my son, I'll let you know. Right now I'm just waiting for him to mature...

[J-rap]

I'm sorry. That's hard, and awkward when they're family friends!

 

First, I would sit down with your daughter for a serious talk. That kind of a comment in our family would not be allowed, ever. I'm not saying it never would have happened, but it would not be taken lightly AT ALL and would never be tolerated again. I would talk about kindness, a gentle heart, family loyalty, "put yourself in their shoes," and lots of other things. I would be sure that she knew -- without a doubt -- that that kind of commented is not tolerated, ever.

 

Someone else recommended that you equip her with some responses to kids if they talk to her unkindly about her brother. That's a good idea.

 

Then, I would begin figuring out a plan to help your son. If he really is annoying and immature, are there steps you can put into place to help him? Talk about it with him. Does he know he is annoying? Can you role play with him and suggest other methods of behavior? I think you should help him see that he needs to change too, and help teach him some very specific skills. Talk about very specific circumstances and how he could behave differently.

 

Of course, this is all done in love, and foremost your son needs to know how much you love him (which of course you have done!) and that unfortunately he will run into people that are unkind in life, and it's not always his problem.

[kalanamak]

 

ETA - I wouldn't pull her out. She needs to practice. I think it's just something siblings go through. Pretty natural.

 

This is a moment I would have trotted out Raising a Thinking Child and gone through the "what else could you have dones" with the girl. HTH.

[Lisa R.]

I would not leave the group. I would start attending the classes and sitting with your ds so that you can teach him how to stop being annoying.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I've seen where high-maintenance or annoying kids are expected to be tolerated instead of the expecting the annoying kid to change his behavior.

 

OP admitted her ds is a little immature. This sounds like a child who needs a little time to grow up with large doses of guidance along the way. It sounds like he needs to be highly supervised by mom. While I'm not excusing the girls' mean behavior, they are put in a hard position in dealing with a frustrating situation.

 

I would not have dd leave the class. I do agree she needs a long talk about loyalty to siblings. She needs to know she can go to her mom when her brother is acting in a way that is frustrating others, too. Hopefully mom will be close by anyway.

[Chris in VA]

Umm folks--this thread is from 2010. Maybe start another one?:D

[regentrude]

nm

old thread

[Denisemomof4]

How annoying. Why do people resurrect old threads like this?

[Moxie]

How funny! I totally forgot about having this issue. We're still in the class, my daughter has gone through her "mean girl" phase and is sweet as pie now and my son is still off in la-la land most of the time :glare:. Just keep swimming!

[clarkacademy]

I would not leave the group. I would start attending the classes and sitting with your ds so that you can teach him how to stop being annoying.

 

I don't like it when my kids get mean either but there has to be a point where the one causing it learns to act right. My oldest son has autism he can be very annoying. I have taught the kids they can't just hate him for it but they don't need to accept it either.

 

It took forever to make him understand how to behave in front of other kids and he still has times but taking the time to deal with his behaviors was alot better than my other kids not wanting to be around him not wanting their friends around him and missing out doing stuff because he couldn't behave.

[clarkacademy]

Umm folks--this thread is from 2010. Maybe start another one?:D

 

 

Whay have I learned to not check the dates???

[kalanamak]

How funny! I totally forgot about having this issue. We're still in the class, my daughter has gone through her "mean girl" phase and is sweet as pie now

 

:party: