Please help me with how to help, what to say to a friend who

[Kathleen in VA]

just lost her baby at 36 weeks. My dh just walked in the door and let me know that a young lady from my church whom I've known all her life (she and my ds23 were born 4 days apart from each other) lost her first baby today. His/her heart stopped beating and died and she still had to go through labor and delivery. I'm sobbing as I type this - I just can't imagine the pain she must be feeling.

 

We had 8 weddings at our church last year and many of the new brides are expecting this year. This particular young lady's older sister just had a baby yesterday. I imagine they were excited that they'd have little cousins the same age and were looking forward to them growing up together along with all the other new little ones. Her sister-in-law (another young lady I've know almost all her life) came from Okinawa to be here to help when the baby arrived in August.

 

I'm just so grief stricken for her. What can I do or say? Is there anything at all? She has lots of family and friends around to help, but I just wish there were something I could do to comfort her.

[Starr]

Oh that is so sad; I'm so sorry. This happened to a family member of ours. All I can say is to love them and remember the baby as the years go on. I'm praying for all of you. :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

there are no words. That is absolutely horrible. I got pregnant at around the same time as a good friend of mine but I lost my baby at the end of my first trimester. Watching her belly grow was painful. I told her not to feel like she couldn't talk about her pregnancy around me, but honestly, it was so hard to take that I had to take some time off from our friendship.

 

It's going to be SO hard for your friend with her neice/nephew through the years. She'll always mourn the loss of this baby, but having a baby, having several babies, is really the only thing that helped me.

 

Truly, there are no words. Just let you know you were devastated to hear the news and that words are too insignificant to express your sorrow.

 

How tragic.

:grouphug:

[JoyfulMama]

I'm so sorry. Honestly, I don't know that anything you say or do would be comforting right now, as things will be just too raw. However any kindness you show, whether it be flowers, a card, a meal, a cross with the baby's name on it, a monetary donation for expenses, will be appreciated, especially as the fog clears.

What a hard thing to live through. She will appreciate your prayers and your continued love and support. :grouphug:

[scubamama]

Undescribable...my best friend lost her ds at 36 weeks too. The cord strangled him in utero and she had to labor....such terrible memories!

I was expecting #2 at the time - her ds was her first and I remember how excited we were to have kids together.

I didn't know how to react...I just cried alot and felt terribly guilty. I was priviledged to be with her for delivery and I really just questioned God for a long time after that. She was really great that I was able to talk to her and she felt like she could tell me to shut up as needed :tongue_smilie: What an amazing friend.

I would keep the lines of communication open by sending a email, a quick call, etc. If she doesn't respond, that's ok. Just let her know you care.

[RegularMom]

There really isn't anything you can say, unfortunately, especially to the mother who is suddenly not bringing a baby home. (The silence of her home will be deafening, btw... no crying baby.)

 

You might make a freezes-well meal or two to bring over to the family. And before you go through the door, I'd say a prayer that if you do say anything, they're good words.

 

Things the grieving mother will definitely NOT want to hear (yes... I speak from experience):

 

- You can always have another.

 

- Are you going to save back the name so you can use it again next time?

 

- All he/she knew was love.

 

- Do you think it was all that Tylenol [or insert other medication or food item here] you took during the pregnancy that might have caused it?

 

- Here... hold my baby for me.

 

(These are all actual statements people spoke directly to me in the days after my twins died. Perhaps someday I'll write an etiquette guide for this sort of thing.)

 

The mother will most likely be in shock for a week or two. If the family asks you to visit, bring over a meal or two; say "I'm so sorry," and give her a hug if she can handle a hug. (She might not want to touch anyone.) And then just be there. Be available for whatever she might need from you. If she wants to show you pictures of the baby, look at the pictures and tell her how beautiful the baby is. If she uses the baby's name, use the baby's name. If she doesn't, you shouldn't.

 

Watch and listen for cues that she's tiring of visiting, or that she wants to talk/doesn't want to talk. Stuff like that. Her emotional state will fluctuate wildly.

 

Make sure they understand you're there to help, and that you understand if they need to be alone for a while, and not talk at all.

 

More than anything else, this is a time for listening.

 

My heart goes out to your friend. My twins would have turned 12 this summer. I know this pain. It eases with time. Lots of time.

 

Lots.

Edited July 9, 2010 by RegularMom

[Kathleen in VA]

Thanks for your replies. The more I think about it, the more I realize this is going to be so very hard for a lot of people. Her mom and grandmother go to my church, too. Her mil as well. We are all so close and like a big family. They will all be so devastated and yet, they are also rejoicing over the sister's new baby. It's all so mixed up. They are happy yet I know they are all just heartbroken.

 

I was out most of the day and missed the call from the church. Dh left with the three youngest to spend some time with his mom while I was out so he thought I had already heard. He didn't realize until he got home that I had not gotten a phone call yet. He can't remember the details so I don't know if it was a boy or girl, what they named it, anything at all really and it's too late to make any phone calls. Sunday is going to be a very hard day. There will be a shadow of grief and much sorrow - we will all be weeping. I'm just so very sad for her and her young husband - they are such a precious couple.

[Erica in OR]

This happened to a friend as well. I agree that keeping the lines of communication open helps, just to let them know you're there to help and support them, without being overbearing. It's important to remember to continue to offer support after the first rush of condolences and meals that everyone is offering. The family here had so much food the first few days that they just couldn't get through it all. I felt the need to do something right away too, but ended up waiting a bit to offer help in the weeks that followed. We had them over to supper within a month.

 

A church member who had lost an adult child gave us the advice that we shouldn't shy away from talking about the child who passed away, with the thought that talking about it would make them feel worse. She said they're thinking about it constantly anyway, and acting like it didn't happen and the child was never a part of their life can feel hurtful.

 

Erica in OR

[Kathleen in VA]

Thank you, Lara and Erica. These are very valuable insights. I really appreciate your advice. I'm going to go to bed now. I'm suddenly very sleepy. Please keep this family in your prayers. Thanks again for your wise words, everyone.

[Lara in Colo]

This may not make me popular today and I am not recommending saying this to the mom because, honestly there is nothing that CAN be said, just lots of hand holding and listening.

 

I 've had a couple of miscarriages. This is my personal theory that got me through. The human body is so complex I am amazed that anyone is ever born. Can you imagine all the things that can go wrong in the making of a spinal cord? or a brain---try making an arm? I always pictured my baby in heaven with God, just waiting for me to make the body for it. Sort of like waiting for a bus, sometimes it had to stay there longer until the better body came along. No hurt or anger (at me) just waiting for me to make it's earthly home. I know lots of people won't agree with this and like I said I don't think you should tell this mother my theory, but it got me through some rough nights, picturing my baby, sitting with God, talking about how slow the traffic (in my womb) was.

 

Lara

[texasmama]

:grouphug: Though there is nothing you can say or do to ease the pain of this loss, might I suggest that you mail cards telling this mom that you are thinking of her and praying for her during the months to come. After some time has passed, people will move on...but she will remain in a dark place for a long time. It would be an encouragement to her, I would imagine, to know that someone has not forgotten her pain, her loss and her baby. :grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

This may not make me popular today and I am not recommending saying this to the mom because, honestly there is nothing that CAN be said, just lots of hand holding and listening.

 

I 've had a couple of miscarriages. This is my personal theory that got me through. The human body is so complex I am amazed that anyone is ever born. Can you imagine all the things that can go wrong in the making of a spinal cord? or a brain---try making an arm? I always pictured my baby in heaven with God, just waiting for me to make the body for it. Sort of like waiting for a bus, sometimes it had to stay there longer until the better body came along. No hurt or anger (at me) just waiting for me to make it's earthly home. I know lots of people won't agree with this and like I said I don't think you should tell this mother my theory, but it got me through some rough nights, picturing my baby, sitting with God, talking about how slow the traffic (in my womb) was.

 

Lara

 

You made me smile. :grouphug:

 

 

Kathleen: Prayers and thoughts. I would say that just being there for this young couple and then take it from there. What a heartache.:grouphug:

Edited July 9, 2010 by MariannNOVA

[qfbrenda]

I've lost babies at 35 and 32 weeks, so I also speak from very painful experience. I agree with Regularmom totally and would add a couple of things:

 

Don't say, "Call me if you need anything." They won't call. They won't be able to rub enough thoughts together to figure what they might need, let alone ask for help. Just do things for them.... find out if someone is handling the arrangements... if you do flower arranging, make an arrangement for the memorial service/funeral.... make them a meal... call her once a week just to chat... rent a movie for her, give her lotion and chocolate... knit her a shawl.... clean their bathroom... really, the possibilities are endless.

 

People will avoid them because they won't know what to say. Don't avoid them. Just listen... you don't have to know what to say. A hug and "I'm sorry" is enough.

 

And while listening to their pain, it's ok to talk about other things too. It's a hard balance, but while you want someone to listen to you, it's also nice to hear about normal, funny life sometimes. It's a good distraction.

[ChrisOR]

I'm so sorry. It is awful. One of my friends went through this a few years ago. My son was only 3 weeks old when her baby boy died within hours of his birth. It was all very unexpected too.

 

She told me it still means a lot when I speak of her son by name or send her a card or flowers on his birthday.

[Lara in Colo]

You made me smile. :grouphug:

 

Thanks I was worried someone might think I was insensitive.

 

Lara

[MariannNOVA]

Thanks I was worried someone might think I was insensitive.

 

Lara

 

 

Not at all - Loss is painful - I've had a number of miscarriages and I think that it's healthy to have a way to deal with the pain......like you said, in the middle of the night. And, I found that TOO many folks were just SO evasive and insensitive about it. I realize it means they probably just don't know what to say, but it was hurtful just the same.

[newlifemom]

:grouphug: to all especially that precious mama. Love her. Just love her.

 

 

I agree with all the pps comments.

 

Don't ask if you can help. Help

Call, if she doesn't want to talk she doesn't have to pick up, but she'll know you are thinking of her.

Keep calling months even years later. Esp. on birthdays. They are the hardest I think.

[simka2]

Thanks for your replies. The more I think about it, the more I realize this is going to be so very hard for a lot of people. Her mom and grandmother go to my church, too. Her mil as well. We are all so close and like a big family. They will all be so devastated and yet, they are also rejoicing over the sister's new baby. It's all so mixed up. They are happy yet I know they are all just heartbroken.

 

 

You have gotten some really good advice!!! I want to be sensitive here, but there was something in this post that concerned me. This family seems very connected to your church, and this could be difficult for this young lady...and the family...horribly akward at times. She is already going to be in so much pain, anger, self-loathing, confusion and fear...that this unique family dynamic is going to be hard.

 

She needs to be allowed to grieve and proccess...free of feeling ashamed at what she might feel about sister's term preg. and the families happiness. I cannot imagine how alone she is going to feel....actually I can ;( She may need outside sources for support. It's not that you guys aren't great!!! It's that on some level she's going to have to proccess this and it won't be pretty, she will be jealous and hurt, and finding a safe place to talk about those emotions is very important.

 

Unfortunately, you and the extended are not a neutral party. I would strongly encourage and support them in getting outside support.

 

I went thru this myself, and I had a close friend who went thru it with me as the one who made it to term. My friend couldn't be in the same room with me until the birth of her dd a couple years later. She wanted too, she knew it wasn't rational, but it was just to painful for her. Since, I understood her pain I let her go. To this day we are still very close friends, but I had to let her grieve and proccess away from me and the constant reminder of what was lost.

 

Hope that helps a little!

[Tidbits of Learning]

I speak from experience as well although not as far along as your friend. I really went to a dark place for a while. There really aren't words. A hug is always welcome.

Everyone around will be upset and at first it will be on everyone's mind, but then it fades as their personal lives take over. This grieving mother will have a daily reminder with her sister's new baby. I lost our child a few weeks after my best friend had her son. It was hard. It is still hard on his birthdays.

The thing that probably made me smile for the first time in a long time after the loss was my husband's company sent a basket of cookies. There is a local company that does cookies called the wooden spoon and the clear paper bundling it had butterflies on it. It wasn't right after our loss. They sent a card following the loss. The cookies came about 2 weeks or more later. The butterflies for some reason just made me smile. The thought was that they hadn't forgotten and they were there.

It came at a time when there weren't as many calls checking on me. My husband had went back to work and I was alone on my bed crying a lot. Give lots of hugs now, but in two or three weeks when this isn't at the forefront of your mind b/c life is happening...stop, and give a call or bake cookies or just be there...

I still have the wooden spoon and the butterfly paper...and it still makes me smile.

[elfgivas]

we had a memorial service, and each person planted a tulip/daffodil bulb around a little flowering bush that we planted. each spring, the promise of resurrection in those bulbs helped a lot.... i'm thinking that being there for the long haul and being gently proactive means that the spirit can move and someone will do something (butterfly cookies, daffodils, etc) that the grieving family will find tremendously helpful.

[Kathleen in VA]

You have gotten some really good advice!!! I want to be sensitive here, but there was something in this post that concerned me. This family seems very connected to your church, and this could be difficult for this young lady...and the family...horribly akward at times. She is already going to be in so much pain, anger, self-loathing, confusion and fear...that this unique family dynamic is going to be hard.

 

She needs to be allowed to grieve and proccess...free of feeling ashamed at what she might feel about sister's term preg. and the families happiness. I cannot imagine how alone she is going to feel....actually I can ;( She may need outside sources for support. It's not that you guys aren't great!!! It's that on some level she's going to have to proccess this and it won't be pretty, she will be jealous and hurt, and finding a safe place to talk about those emotions is very important.

 

Unfortunately, you and the extended are not a neutral party. I would strongly encourage and support them in getting outside support.

 

I went thru this myself, and I had a close friend who went thru it with me as the one who made it to term. My friend couldn't be in the same room with me until the birth of her dd a couple years later. She wanted too, she knew it wasn't rational, but it was just to painful for her. Since, I understood her pain I let her go. To this day we are still very close friends, but I had to let her grieve and proccess away from me and the constant reminder of what was lost.

 

Hope that helps a little!

 

This is such good advice. She will need someone not connected to it all whom she can talk to and not be ashamed of her feelings. As Christians we often feel we must be strong and not reveal our feelings because they may be "unChristlike." Then we bottle them all up and make ourselves miserable. The truth is, this is a very, very hard situation and I know I would be struggling with anger, jealousy, resentment and all kinds of other not-so-Christlike attitudes if this had happened to me.

 

I know this young lady knows that her little one is safe with Jesus, but that knowledge will not make it any easier to come home to a house filled with baby things from the recent shower we gave her, her arms empty and her heart broken. It takes lots and lots of time to work through this kind of grief and she is going to need a lot of patience and understanding. I'm not sure if I can possibly work this into a conversation with those closest to her, but I will try to get the idea out that she may need to speak to a counselor who will listen from a more objective perspective.

 

I am hearing from all of you that it is important not to forget, not to be afraid to talk about it and to keep on comforting long after the initial shock has worn off. I am also hearing that practical acts of service and kindness will mean much more than any words. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts.

 

:grouphug: to those who've experienced this same pain. I cannot imagine it.

[asta]

My mom lost my oldest sister when she was 2 days old.

 

My mom is 74, has the rest of us kids, but has never "healed" from losing her first. I don't think anyone ever does.

 

When my dad died, and all of us were a complete mess (except her), I asked her why and she said "after the first death, there is no other".

 

I thought that was a really weird thing to say until other people started dying as I grew up. She was (and is) right: this young woman will feel this hurt in a way that no one who has not lost a child can ever understand. Just as a person who loses a parent as an adult cannot understand how much an effect losing a parent as a child has on a person. I don't know if I'm making any sense - it is a perspective thing. A child facing death doesn't have the same tools as an adult facing death. A woman facing the death of a baby doesn't have the same tools as a woman facing the death of a child. A woman facing the death of a child doesn't have the same tools as a woman who has never lost a child. And on and on.

 

It's like the best thing anyone can do is to try and help a person build their toolbox. It isn't brownies or lasagne; it is more like quiet walks to show a person that the world hasn't really stopped rotating on its axis (although it feels as if it has). Or, like someone mentioned above, helping to access third party counseling (who neither know nor care about what the rest of the family is doing and can therefore focus on the person in front of them). It's hard. But it's worth more in the end, IMO.

 

 

a

[Annie]

What an unimaginably painful time this woman must be going through. Although it's not the same, I had a dear friend whose mother died when we were 14 or 15. I know it really meant a lot to her when people remembered the day her mom died or her birthday as years went by.

 

I'm holding my little man extra close this morning.

[LisaC]

Sometimes there are just not words that can penetrate grief of this maginitude. I think that's where just saying "I am so sorry" comes in and offering her meals, helping clean her home while she rests, maybe bringing her a special gift in memoriam of her lost child. It is so hard when someone loses a child, and I think your quiet hand of friendship means more than anything you can say.

[Lisa in Jax]

Thanks I was worried someone might think I was insensitive.

 

Lara

 

I lost a baby at 14-15 weeks (8 years ago), and I don't think it's insensitive at all. Our little waiting soul must be up there saying, "All right already, Mom. What's up with the slow traffic in your womb?" ;)

 

It's a very sweet picture.

 

Thank you for posting it. <3

 

Lisa

[SpecialClassical]

I think the web add. is Mollypiper.com. On the righthand side she has a bunch of posts under the heading, "How to help your grieving friend". She might have even more good suggestions than you are getting here and you could share her blog with others from your church.

 

I'm pretty sure Molly was full-term when they lost their daughter. It's just heartbreaking.

[Grace437]

I'm so sorry. Honestly, I don't know that anything you say or do would be comforting right now, as things will be just too raw. However any kindness you show, whether it be flowers, a card, a meal, a cross with the baby's name on it, a monetary donation for expenses, will be appreciated, especially as the fog clears.

What a hard thing to live through. She will appreciate your prayers and your continued love and support. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[Kathleen in VA]

I think the web add. is Mollypiper.com. On the righthand side she has a bunch of posts under the heading, "How to help your grieving friend". She might have even more good suggestions than you are getting here and you could share her blog with others from your church.

 

I'm pretty sure Molly was full-term when they lost their daughter. It's just heartbreaking.

 

Thank you for this - I've been reading it and it is excellent.

[AndyJoy]

Crying here. I can't imagine the pain. I don't know if this would be a comfort to her, but when I miscarried (much earlier--13 weeks), I got a small cedar chest with the baby's name on it where I keep mementos such as congratulatory cards, ultrasound, a stuffed animal, booties, etc. It might be too early for this as it might feel too much like moving on right now, but it's a thought for later. It helps for me to have something tangible to take out and hold when I'm having a rough moment.

[BlsdMama]

From someone who has lost a child you don't say anything that will help. But you say, "I am so, so, so sorry." And then in a week or two you send her a card saying you're thinking of her and if she'd ever just like to get out of the house or talk or have a cup of tea... Better yet, invite her over in three weeks.

 

Because:

 

Because everyone is very comforting WHILE it happens. And in three weeks when she comes to the full realization that the baby she should have been holding, she'll never hold, her family and friends will just NOT bring it up in the hopes that if it's left "unsaid" then it will cause her less pain. And she'll bring it up, but they'll brush it off like they're doing her a favor by minimizing the loss she feels. They aren't.

 

I didn't need anyone to tell me I'd deal with it, get over it, or say the "right" things. I just needed someone to listen to me talk about my loss and accept that it WAS a loss. I needed someone to verify that my daughter was REALLY a person and not some crazy figment of the imagination.

 

And right now, her days are filled. There is the funeral and people coming over and checking on her. But in 2-3 weeks she's going to be left alone with more hours in the day than she knows how to fill. :(

[BlsdMama]

And I'll add, the most thoughtful gift I've ever gotten came from my mother in law. We lost Hannah in February 2001. In December she sent us a lovely little ornament for the tree. That ornament is one of the sweetest things I own - it gives us the opportunity as a family to celebrate Hannah's existence and to talk about the sister they never knew.