Hurt Feelings

[SquirrellyMama]

Do you tell your dh if he has hurt your feelings? I'm not even sure if my feelings should be hurt.

 

I told him I'd move an appt to the morning tomorrow and we could have a lunch date since the kids will be gone tomorrow afternoon. He'd have to take the day off of work which should have been fine because he offered to come home today when he thought my appt was today.

 

He said no because he is meeting with someone tomorrow around 6pm about some baseball cards he wants to buy. The drive from home would be 40 minutes and probably 20 minutes from work. He said he'd rather be in that area instead of driving from home.

 

I feel like I've been rejected big time. Like I'm not worth the extra 20 minutes driving time.

 

Should I tell him? I feel like he's just going to tell me I'm too emotional and he didn't mean what I'm thinking.

 

Kelly

[Jen500]

I feel like I've been rejected big time. Like I'm not worth the extra 20 minutes driving time.

 

Should I tell him? I feel like he's just going to tell me I'm too emotional and he didn't mean what I'm thinking.

 

Kelly

 

You could just tell him you are disappointed, not in a whiny way or trying to guilt trip him. (Not saying you would do that though!:001_smile:)

[SquirrellyMama]

You could just tell him you are disappointed, not in a whiny way or trying to guilt trip him. (Not saying you would do that though!:001_smile:)

 

That is why I'm not sure if I should say anything. I don't want it to come out whiny or a guilt trip. The last thing I want is lunch with him if he's been guilted into it.

[Impish]

I'd talk to him. And if he says you're too emotional, I'd probably get REALLY emotional on him! :lol:

 

I've had that discussion before. "Its not up to you to decide if its ok for me to be upset. I AM upset, and telling me that I don't have the RIGHT to be only makes me angry. Now I'm angry AND upset..." At which point Wolf gets the "Oh s--t, I'm in deep' look on his face.

 

Nothing like having someone logically explain why I *shouldn't* be upset to send me off the deep end! :lol:

[OnTheBrink]

I noticed you're married to an engineer. Engineers are like Mr. Spocks in some ways, meaning, logic comes into play before feelings do. I bet in his head, he didn't reject you at all; he just logically configured the best way to accomplish his goals and meeting for lunch didn't figure into that.

 

You could tell him you feel hurt and why it made you feel hurt (you felt rejected) and hopefully, he'll consider that next time something like this comes up.

[SquirrellyMama]

I noticed you're married to an engineer. Engineers are like Mr. Spocks in some ways, meaning, logic comes into play before feelings do. I bet in his head, he didn't reject you at all; he just logically configured the best way to accomplish his goals and meeting for lunch didn't figure into that.

 

You could tell him you feel hurt and why it made you feel hurt (you felt rejected) and hopefully, he'll consider that next time something like this comes up.

 

You're right. I hadn't thought of his engineering personality as the culprit. Good thought. Thanks!

[KJsMom]

It sounds to me like he was just thinking like a man. Sorry to sterotype, but reality is they are problem solvers. Get to the end in the most efficient way possible (in their minds) and move on. I doubt it even crossed his mind that he might hurt your feelings. I personally wouldn't say anything because I'm the sit and stew type, but I think the appropriate response is to let him know your feelings are hurt without assigning blame. Then he gets defensive and you fight. Like I said, I always do it the wrong way, so you might disregard everything I say! ;)

[SquirrellyMama]

I'd talk to him. And if he says you're too emotional, I'd probably get REALLY emotional on him! :lol:

 

I've had that discussion before. "Its not up to you to decide if its ok for me to be upset. I AM upset, and telling me that I don't have the RIGHT to be only makes me angry. Now I'm angry AND upset..." At which point Wolf gets the "Oh s--t, I'm in deep' look on his face.

 

Nothing like having someone logically explain why I *shouldn't* be upset to send me off the deep end! :lol:

 

Yeah, it doesn't go well when he tells me I shouldn't be upset. He also told me recently that my child birth labors were easy :glare: That was not good.

[Cedarmom]

He was just thinking logically about what would work best. My dh is an engineer too. I would tell him that I was disappointed because I wanted to spend the time with him and could we make it work, or was there some other time we could have lunch. Next time, say in the beginning ,I hope we can do this I want to spend time with you, otherwise you'll get the most practical answer again.:001_smile:

[SquirrellyMama]

I personally wouldn't say anything because I'm the sit and stew type, but I think the appropriate response is to let him know your feelings are hurt without assigning blame. Then he gets defensive and you fight. Like I said, I always do it the wrong way, so you might disregard everything I say! ;)

 

I usually a sit and stew also but it never works well because it always comes out later on in a very negative way. I went ahead and told him. I emailed him because he isn't fond of face to face communication.

 

I think it worked out well. I feel better and now he will maybe think about it next time.

 

I still don't get a date tomorrow :sad: but I'm not stewing.

 

Next time, say in the beginning ,I hope we can do this I want to spend time with you, otherwise you'll get the most practical answer again

I will definitely remember this for next time.

 

Thanks for all the help ladies!

 

Kelly

[8circles]

Do you tell your dh if he has hurt your feelings? I'm not even sure if my feelings should be hurt.

 

 

Yes, you should tell him. I can't imagine he intentionally tried to hurt you so be respectful & non-confrontational about it so he doesn't get defensive. Then you should be willing to move on from it & not stew after you've discussed it.

[fairfarmhand]

I'm an engineer's wife too; I've had to practice on ways to make my feelings heard by his heart, not just his head. He naturally thinks more with his head than his heart. Then we would get into long explanations by my dh on why my feeling a particular emotion was not logical. As if emotion is ever logical!

 

"Yeah, it doesn't go well when he tells me I shouldn't be upset. He also told me recently that my child birth labors were easy :glare: That was not good.

 

 

Tell him to pass a kidney stone that weighs 7 lbs. Then he can say that!

 

Seriously, when addressing these kind of situations I say " Hey, this might seem dumb to have my feelings hurt, but this is the way I feel. Whether you meant it that way is irrelevant. I felt rejected. I wanted to spend time with you, tried to arrange it, and the twenty minute drive decided it for you. That hurts."

 

He's getting much better, and he's learned that making his wife a priority pays off in "other ways". Not that I use certain things punitively, but I do get in the mood more when my feelings aren't being trampled.

[Caroline]

Could you go have lunch with him at his work?

 

For what it is worth, I am married to an engineer, and the same sort of scenario has happened here, too.

[Julie in CA]

I am married to a man who could be considered a tiny bit insensitive at times. :001_smile:

I would probably let him know that my feelings were hurt, but in a different way.

For instance:

{wrapping my arms around dh's neck} "Ya know, sweetie, my feelings are pretty hurt about missing that lunch date {insert flirtatious look here}... No, seriously, honey, I *really* missed that lunch date {insert big, lingering smooch here}. How are you going to make it up to me?" {big grin}.

 

Even my slow-to-understand-sensitivity-stuff dh gets what I'm saying when I sprinkle it with a little sugar. :D

[Mrs Mungo]

Do you tell your dh if he has hurt your feelings? I'm not even sure if my feelings should be hurt.

 

I told him I'd move an appt to the morning tomorrow and we could have a lunch date since the kids will be gone tomorrow afternoon. He'd have to take the day off of work which should have been fine because he offered to come home today when he thought my appt was today.

 

He said no because he is meeting with someone tomorrow around 6pm about some baseball cards he wants to buy. The drive from home would be 40 minutes and probably 20 minutes from work. He said he'd rather be in that area instead of driving from home.

 

I feel like I've been rejected big time. Like I'm not worth the extra 20 minutes driving time.

 

Should I tell him? I feel like he's just going to tell me I'm too emotional and he didn't mean what I'm thinking.

 

Kelly

 

Men tend to be problem solvers. The way to fix this is to put the ball in his court. "I really want to have a lunch date once a month, it makes me feel important and I like having time with you away from the kids. Here are the dates that I would be available, how can you make this happen?"

[Rosie_0801]

I would probably let him know that my feelings were hurt, but in a different way.

For instance:

{wrapping my arms around dh's neck} "Ya know, sweetie, my feelings are pretty hurt about missing that lunch date {insert flirtatious look here}... No, seriously, honey, I *really* missed that lunch date {insert big, lingering smooch here}. How are you going to make it up to me?" {big grin}.

 

Even my slow-to-understand-sensitivity-stuff dh gets what I'm saying when I sprinkle it with a little sugar. :D

 

Uh huh. This works every time. If you need a little cinnamon to sprinkle with the sugar, tell him you want to know all the details so you can boast to your girlfriends about how romantic he is. The only thing better than getting kudos from your wife is when you get kudos from your wife *and* she boasts about you to her friends :D

 

Rosie

[Spy Car]

I'm failing to understand the problem here? :D

 

Bill (ducks :tongue_smilie:)

[SquirrellyMama]

I'm failing to understand the problem here? :D

 

Bill (ducks :tongue_smilie:)

 

You should take your wife to lunch tomorrow :001_smile:

[Spy Car]

You should take your wife to lunch tomorrow :001_smile:

 

Men are just dumber about some things than you will ever fully comprehend ;)

 

Bill

[Garga]

The first thing that I noticed after I read your post was that your husband is an engineer. Very logical type. He wasn't thinking about feelings at all. And he didn't mean to hurt you. Just logically explain that when he said, "No, I need to see the guy about cards," you felt sidelined and that next time you'd like him to clear his schedule for you.

 

And I just have to share my childbirth story:

 

I had JUST GIVEN BIRTH. Naturally. After hours and hours of pain beyond what I thought was humanly possible to endure. The midwife was stitching me up WITHOUT pain medicine. And my husband turned to me and said, "Well, now you know what my migraines feel like!"

 

The room got reeeeeal silent, except for the audible intake of breath as the midwife and nurse tensed up waiting for me to attack. (I didn't. The post-partum happy hormones were making me a little bit high.)

[Denisemomof4]

haven't read the other responses, but I can appreciate your husband not wanting to make that drive if he's going to be home. He makes the drive 5 days per week and I can understand not wanting to do it if he took the day to be at home. I imagein he has NO CLUE that this has hurt your feelings. Guys are wired SO differently!!!

 

Is there any way you can have all the kids taken care of another day so you can go on a date with dh another time? Something planned?

 

I really don't think you should feel rejected. I DO think it's a good idea to tell your dh that you want some time alone with him. :001_smile:

[Denisemomof4]

I noticed you're married to an engineer. Engineers are like Mr. Spocks in some ways, meaning, logic comes into play before feelings do. I bet in his head, he didn't reject you at all; he just logically configured the best way to accomplish his goals and meeting for lunch didn't figure into that.

 

 

 

Oh, I didn't realize that you were married to an engineer! I can almost GUARANTEE that it's not even on the radar screen that he hurt your feelings. ;) NOT saying that engineers are insensitive, just saying they're wired even MORE differently than non-engineer men. ;)

[Denisemomof4]

Yeah, it doesn't go well when he tells me I shouldn't be upset. He also told me recently that my child birth labors were easy :glare: That was not good.

 

WHAT??!!! :scared::scared::scared:

 

I remember when I was in labor with my now 18 year old. I was apparently squeezing my husband's hand SO HARD that it hurt and cut off the circulation. When he said something, I think I almost slugged him. I don't remember MY reaction (he does but he's in bed!) but I DO remember being thoroughly appalled that he could even mention such a thing at such a time! And 18 years later I still think of it! I've never mentioned it to him, but I do still think of it! I think it's funny now.

[Denisemomof4]

I'm failing to understand the problem here? :D

 

Bill (ducks :tongue_smilie:)

 

:smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5:

 

ok, now that's funny!!!!!

[Mejane]

I noticed you're married to an engineer. Engineers are like Mr. Spocks in some ways, meaning, logic comes into play before feelings do. I bet in his head, he didn't reject you at all; he just logically configured the best way to accomplish his goals and meeting for lunch didn't figure into that.

 

 

 

Yes! This sounds exactly like something my engineer husband would say. Then he'd be utterly and honestly amazed he had hurt my feelings.

[Peela]

I'd talk to him. And if he says you're too emotional, I'd probably get REALLY emotional on him! :lol:

 

I've had that discussion before. "Its not up to you to decide if its ok for me to be upset. I AM upset, and telling me that I don't have the RIGHT to be only makes me angry. Now I'm angry AND upset..." At which point Wolf gets the "Oh s--t, I'm in deep' look on his face.

 

Nothing like having someone logically explain why I *shouldn't* be upset to send me off the deep end! :lol:

 

 

Oh yeah, I can so relate :lol::lol::lol:

On the other hand, on my better days....I would just say I am hurt and leave it up to him to make of it what he will. But yes, I do think its important to be able to say," I am hurt" and not 2nd guess yourself.

[Spy Car]

Yeah, it doesn't go well when he tells me I shouldn't be upset. He also told me recently that my child birth labors were easy :glare: That was not good.

 

The only time I ever felt the usually gentle Mrs Spy Car might do me in, was when I offered suggestions to the brand-new mother for how she could get better breast-latch.

 

If looks could kill :lol:

 

Bill (no less dumb than other men :tongue_smilie:)

[swimmermom3]

The only time I ever felt the usually gentle Mrs Spy Car might do me in, was when I offered suggestions to the brand-new mother for how she could get better breast-latch.

 

If looks could kill :lol:

 

Bill (no less dumb than other men :tongue_smilie:)

 

<<<<CRASH>>>> Sound of pedestal plummeting to earth...it was a high pedestal. Sigh.

[Spy Car]

<<<<CRASH>>>> Sound of pedestal plummeting to earth...it was a high pedestal. Sigh.

 

See, if I wasn't so dumb I'd have kept this embarrassing story to myself :D

 

Bill (missing his pedestal :tongue_smilie:)