Let's remember our manners

[Sonshine]

In several posts lately questions have been asked regarding the conception of someone's child(ren.) I was brought up to know that those types of questions are rude. Even if the question begs to be asked (or answered - can't remember the exact phrasing) or the original poster seems to you to have a little bit of an attitude, the questions are still rude. Most of us come here for support not condemnation.

[Renthead Mommy]

Yes but most people on here (both board and internet in general) give out way more information than they would ever give out in real life. If you're willing to tell some of the thing you're willing to tell, you shouldn't be surprised by the questions people ask.

 

We don't know each other on here. We aren't family, neighbors or friends. Yes some people on here may know each other in real life, but most people on here are not real friends. They are nameless, faceless blurbs of information that we are reading. Sometimes it's real easy to forget there are actual people on the other end of the computer and not just 'soap opera characters' (for the daily dramas) or 411 operators (for the information searches and such).

[hornblower]

What about that etiquette rule about it being bad manners to point out other people's bad manners?

 

Which I'm now guilty of. :D

[mammaruss]

What about that etiquette rule about it being bad manners to point out other people's bad manners?

 

Which I'm now guilty of. :D

 

Is there a rule against laughing at other people's bad manners??

If there is, I am guilty too!! :lol:

[cathmom]

What about that etiquette rule about it being bad manners to point out other people's bad manners?

 

Which I'm now guilty of. :D

 

:lol:

 

People ask this stuff IRL now too. I told my dh to tell nosy people that the only child that was a surprise was the second twin!

[Parrothead]

In several posts lately questions have been asked regarding the conception of someone's child(ren.) I was brought up to know that those types of questions are rude. Even if the question begs to be asked (or answered - can't remember the exact phrasing) or the original poster seems to you to have a little bit of an attitude, the questions are still rude. Most of us come here for support not condemnation.

Yes, it is bad manners to ask and to tell. But not everyone is up to the same standard. Seems in our modern times things like finances, sex, religion and politics are not taboo topics that they were in days of old. It doesn't matter if it is on the internet in this type or similar forum, or in real life.

 

I met a lady, started being friendly and working toward a friendship. On our third meeting she told me about her experience with one of the above topics. I was shocked that she would tell a virtual stranger such private things. In my mind there this was a topic I would never bring up to anyone. But this is the type of thing that happens more and more.

 

I'm not sure if it is done for the shock value or simply a lack of values.

[SonshineLearner]

Funny... all I can think of is... "What thread did I miss?" I'm pretty careful about what I post... or ask.... but maybe I'm just missing the fun ;)

[Haiku]

My mom has complained in the past that I talk to my friends about things that it's not "good manners" to talk about.

 

I figure, if my friends and I want to talk about those things, whose business is it but ours? None of my friends have ever fled the room, hands over ears, singing "La-la-la, I can't hear you!" :D

 

Tara

[Mejane]

As others have said, manners are relative. I'd rather someone ask me how my children were conceived than how much my husband makes. In my sphere, that is just not done.

[Renthead Mommy]

Yes, it is bad manners to ask and to tell. But not everyone is up to the same standard. Seems in our modern times things like finances, sex, religion and politics are not taboo topics that they were in days of old. It doesn't matter if it is on the internet in this type or similar forum, or in real life.

 

I met a lady, started being friendly and working toward a friendship. On our third meeting she told me about her experience with one of the above topics. I was shocked that she would tell a virtual stranger such private things. In my mind there this was a topic I would never bring up to anyone. But this is the type of thing that happens more and more.

 

I'm not sure if it is done for the shock value or simply a lack of values.

 

 

But what some people consider 'taboo' others don't. Sex is a frequent and open topic with lots of people and not with lots of other people. People have different standards of what they consider rude and taboo. And it's not a matter of lack of values, it's different values. Culturally people look at things differntly.

 

If you are going to throw information out there, to people you DON'T know like a sister or bff then you shouldn't be surprised if they are going to ask you things/comment. Just because it's something you'd never discuss, doesn't mean your topic may not be everyday conversation to their group/culture.

 

(And I don't mean culture as in American vs. some other culture/country. I mean core group/family/area culture.)

 

We all have our ideas about people on this board, based on the little bits and pieces of information we get from posts. I may have read 200 of person X's posts. Based on that, I think "Wow! I'd be keeping my kids away from her kids/husband/church/dog/whatever." But I never read the board on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and on some of those days more info was given that would explain some of my issues with Person X. Or someone else on here only read her posts on those Tuesday and Thursdays and may think Person X is the most wonderful person but turns out they/their husband/kid/dog/whatever is a major psycho. It all depends on the info we've gotten.

 

We don't know each other here. We know parts of each other here. And we have no way of knowing how true the parts we do know even are. And we are all SO different, with such different values, cultures, ideas and beliefs. We aren't brought together by location, heritage, work, religion, politics, or so many other variable. We are brought together (supposedly) by homeschooling. And even that is SO different for each person. So everyone's ideas of what is/isn't rude or invasive or whatever is going to be different.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The only breach of manners that I'm aware of, was addressed by the OP and was answered and apologized for already. I don't see why it would have to be rehashed by 3rd/4th and 5th parties.

[Slartibartfast]

If someone asked me how my children were conceived I would probably say they can get books on the subject at most bookstores. :lol:

 

Do people really ask that?

[Jenny in Atl]

If someone asked me how my children were conceived I would probably say they can get books on the subject at most bookstores. :lol:

 

Do people really ask that?

 

But do they have pictures...? :lol:

[Slartibartfast]

But do they have pictures...? :lol:

 

Maybe a scrapbook? You can get die cuts for almost anything

[chaik76]

 

I'm not sure if it is done for the shock value or simply a lack of values.

Really, though, that wouldn't be a loss of values, would it? Merely a different set of values.

 

I too was brought up that you don't talk about sex, money, or politics. Now, sex is private for me. But politics and money? I don't personally see any reason to keep them private. I don't mind if other people don't share...but if you ask me how much I make, how much I pay on my mortgage, how much debt I am in...what my political party is...I'll tell you. It's not that I lack values, it's that my values are slightly different than some others.

 

Now...for shock value, that's different. But some people just have different sets of what is comfortable for them to share. I'm perfectly comfortable listening to anyone share whatever they want to share with me. Doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I consider it really interesting...I'm always learning new things about all sorts of stuff I would never have even thought about...whether it be money, politics, or yes, even sex.

 

ETA: I did not read whatever post started this thread, so I'm only answering in light of the original question.

 

Very few things are sacrosanct to me...I don't usually ask others for information...but I'm pretty much an open book. I'll talk about anything about me with no embarrassment... because I'm not embarrassed and I think it's how we learn.

[IsabelC]

There is a difference between asking because you would like to know something, and asking for other reasons. When a person posts something like "how come you have a 2yo if you haven't had a relationship for 9 years", that is not the former, is it?

 

On the receiving end, of course people vary in terms of how open or private they like to be, but it's fairly simple to politely but firmly decline to discuss things. A simple "I don't feel comfortable discussing my sex life with you" or "I'd rather not say how much my mortgage is" followed by a change of subject usually works fine.

[Parrothead]

Really, though, that wouldn't be a loss of values, would it? Merely a different set of values.

 

 

Yeah, your probably right. I think it is more of a privacy issue than a value issue. ;)

When a person posts something like "how come you have a 2yo if you haven't had a relationship for 9 years", that is not the former, is it?

 

 

Oh, my! That was the question which prompted this thread?

[Crissy]

Maybe a scrapbook? You can get die cuts for almost anything

 

:lol:

 

There is a difference between asking because you would like to know something, and asking for other reasons.

 

True, but I find is strange that so many poster will ask for support of their position on a topic, but get offended when others ask for more information before forming an opinion. As if the OP's side of the story is The Truth and all that subsequent posters should base their opinion upon.

 

I am also flabbergasted by the number of posters who offer strong opinions on a person's situation after having read only the OP's position. :001_huh:

[Mermaid Mama]

In several posts lately questions have been asked regarding the conception of someone's child(ren.) I was brought up to know that those types of questions are rude. Even if the question begs to be asked (or answered - can't remember the exact phrasing) or the original poster seems to you to have a little bit of an attitude, the questions are still rude. Most of us come here for support not condemnation.

 

I don't think anyone meant to be rude and I think the questioner was really asking an honest question because she misread the OP. I don't think we can measure very accurately snark vs. sarcasm vs. uninformed........ It's the internet, it's dry, and it doesn't convey our intentions. I threw my 2 cents out there - and hope I didn't step on any toes when I originally wondered if the person was asking in a snarky way. I believe she wasn't. I don't know her....I don't know.

 

I have no problem telling most anyone who asks how much I make or what I pay for my house or when I lost my virginity. Usually it's good to compare salaries and know where I stand. Good to compare real estate ebb and flow. Good to commiserate and discuss how we can keep our daughters from making the same mistakes we did.

 

I remember a thread back when somewhere - maybe here? - about acres and head of cattle. Some freely discuss - others are taken aback. It just depends on who you are, where you came from, where you are now, and where you are going. It has NOTHING to do with what is "right" or "wrong" - but rather what is right or wrong in that current circle.

[Peela]

I find this place to be a hive of information and it has shaped my knowledge on many subects over the years. I think its the anonymity that helps us share so openly on many topics, personally. There is a place for that- and here it is. And one person's rudeness is just another person's directness or curiosity.

[chaik76]

 

I am also flabbergasted by the number of posters who offer strong opinions on a person's situation after having read only the OP's position. :001_huh:

I was basing it on my evaluation of the OP's thread...in other words...until after I had answered I didn't know there was a specific incident that had occurred. If I had known that, I probably wouldn't have answered, not having seen that (or any other) thread with the response in it. The thread itself, seemed more general than that, kwim. It just mentioned that some things about mentioning conception were rude...and people do have different sets of values and opinions on what is appropriate and not appropriate to say.

 

(That's why I went back and edited to say I hadn't read the original thread...I didn't want people to erroneously think my response was based on whatever had happened in the original thread/threads.)

[Scarlett]

I remember a thread back when somewhere - maybe here? - about acres and head of cattle. Some freely discuss - others are taken aback. It just depends on who you are, where you came from, where you are now, and where you are going. It has NOTHING to do with what is "right" or "wrong" - but rather what is right or wrong in that current circle.

 

Yesterday during services the speaker told a little story about asking a local rancher how many head of cattle he had. The rancher responded about 3 different ways that he 'didn't know.' My friend used that as an analogy of being a 'poor shepard'....I was about to burst thinking, 'not really! The poor rancher just considers it a rude question!' And the sad thing is that my friend, that speaker on the stage, has NO clue that he was asking a 'rude' question. I just wonder how many times that happens. It is enough to make me want to stop asking ANY questions. Almost. Not quite. Oh who am I kidding--I'm like the curious cat--I'll never stop asking questions. :glare:

[stripe]

I don't quite understand this thread -- it was obvious in the thread being referred to that a judgment was NOT being made, but a question was asked for clarification. Maybe you weren't yet a member when we had the polygamy "tell all" thread, and have missed the threads about pain during "tea time" and advice for wives of military members, and the like.

 

That being said, perhaps one of the reason that we have so much promiscuity and people with financial problems like massive financial debt is that we don't talk about things! Responsible people just keeping quiet in the name of "propriety" could lead some people to make foolish, uninformed decisions.

[Crissy]

I was basing it on my evaluation of the OP's thread...in other words...until after I had answered I didn't know there was a specific incident that had occurred. If I had known that, I probably wouldn't have answered, not having seen that (or any other) thread with the response in it. The thread itself, seemed more general than that, kwim. It just mentioned that some things about mentioning conception were rude...and people do have different sets of values and opinions on what is appropriate and not appropriate to say.

 

(That's why I went back and edited to say I hadn't read the original thread...I didn't want people to erroneously think my response was based on whatever had happened in the original thread/threads.)

 

Oops. I should clarify as well. I wasn't referring to a specific thread or post. Just sharing my general flabbergastedness when a poster shares her side of a situation with a friend, MIL, or some such. What often follows are posts stating strong opinions or giving advice when only one side of the story is known.

[angela in ohio]

The only breach of manners that I'm aware of, was addressed by the OP and was answered and apologized for already. I don't see why it would have to be rehashed by 3rd/4th and 5th parties.

 

:iagree:

[stripe]

What often follows are posts stating strong opinions or giving advice when only one side of the story is known.

I always secretly hope the mother in law will join the board....