Am I right ??

[Tap]

Responses like this just make my day...... :iagree:

 

Hello!.....it is your sig line that was quoted! Don't put attitude out into the world if you don't want to get attitude back.

 

 

Your sig says....

"Please don't talk to me about pushing, to slow down, to let them play. If you don't understand, I don't give a *&%$ what you have to say !"

[StartingOver]

I don't know if you are right, but I do know that I was once a single mother, and in a place similar to the one where your daughter finds herself.

 

My mom agreed to care for my son while I continued to work, and all these years later, I am still so grateful that she was willing to help me. I was able to provide for my son and begin to build a better life for the two of us, but that was only a small benefit.

My mother and my older son have such an amazing relationship. Were he not able to spend the time with her that he did, I know that wouldn't be so.

 

These days, especially since she has been ill, it is so wonderful to see a teenage boy and his grandmother relate to each other the way they do.

 

Did your childs father live just down the road, and wish to take care of him while you worked ?? This isn't a situation where she has no other choice. I love my grandson, and would love to spend time with him. '

 

But...

 

I am 41. I have 2 small children at home. I told her I wouldn't be available to watch him nights, BEFORE she started school. He is up all night. We go to sleep early. We rise early.

 

My 3 year old + and MY almost 2 year old + getting to bed after midnight + waking up around 6 am + a 1 year old grandson= a grumpy grandma / mom.

 

He has a dad that can watch him, and wants to ???????

[StartingOver]

Hello!.....it is your sig line that was quoted! Don't put attitude out into the world if you don't want to get attitude back.

 

 

Your sig says....

"Please don't talk to me about pushing, to slow down, to let them play. If you don't understand, I don't give a *&%$ what you have to say !"

 

And exactly how does that pertain to this conversation ??????????

 

Gosh I need more coffee !

[SproutMamaK]

Frankly, I don't understand where people are coming from here. WHY should she do this? She TOLD her daughter she couldn't do this, and now the daughter is having a temper tantrum that she won't change her mind. She has two other perfectly acceptable options - pay for a sitter, at no cost to herself, or get the father (who WANTS to be with the baby) to care for him. She won't do these because (a) she doesn't want to do the work of finding a sitter who will work the hours she needs, and (b) she's being spiteful. She doesn't NEED her mother's help - if she did, she would have gone to day school as requested. It sounds like the daughter's not even grateful for it - she's plainly taking advantage of her. Why should a grandmother sacrifice the well-being of her own family unit to allow her daughter to continue to behave like this? In addition to that, the daughter is doing what she can to disobey a court order by jumping through a loophole, and dragging her parents through with her.

 

OP, you are NOT wrong, and you should NOT feel guilty. At all. Honestly, the fact that she is somehow managing to make you feel guilty for not allowing her to treat you like a doormat makes me wonder if she's been manipulating people into getting her way for a loooong time.

[Crissy]

Did your childs father live just down the road, and wish to take care of him while you worked ?? This isn't a situation where she has no other choice.

 

 

No. We had restraining orders that prevented him from contacting us, actually.

 

Still, my mom wasn't my only option, and I thought I would share my experience. Given the title of your thread, I assumed you were looking for opinions and experiences.

My apologies if I read that incorrectly.

[Sputterduck]

What a bizarre comment.

 

If alatexan can't accommodate her daughter's wishes, she could offer an alternative. A reasonable alternative (to me) would be to keep him overnight, putting him to bed and waking him up with the other children. If that was unacceptable, then perhaps the mother would finally feel motivated to solve her problem on her own.

 

OHHHHHH. I see. You thought I meant to leave the baby there without his Mama. Sorry. Of course I meant that the mother could come over too when she's done with school each night. As an attachment parent from 'way back, it didn't occur to me that anybody would think I was suggesting separating him from his Mama.

 

To clarify, I'm suggesting that I would offer total commitment to both of them, on MY terms (schedule-wise) until the school was over. I would NOT disrupt my schedule when she has other options. I would force the issue with this boundary, and then the dd would be forced to either go along with what works for me or hire help (or allow the Daddy his proper role).

 

Oh! Well that is something else entirely! Staying there overnight with mama is cool. :)

[Sputterduck]

That is none of your business. I can not even believe that you even went there. I love the IGNORE button !

 

Well okay then.

[StartingOver]

Frankly, I don't understand where people are coming from here. WHY should she do this? She TOLD her daughter she couldn't do this, and now the daughter is having a temper tantrum that she won't change her mind. She has two other perfectly acceptable options - pay for a sitter, at no cost to herself, or get the father (who WANTS to be with the baby) to care for him. She won't do these because (a) she doesn't want to do the work of finding a sitter who will work the hours she needs, and (b) she's being spiteful. She doesn't NEED her mother's help - if she did, she would have gone to day school as requested. It sounds like the daughter's not even grateful for it - she's plainly taking advantage of her. Why should a grandmother sacrifice the well-being of her own family unit to allow her daughter to continue to behave like this? In addition to that, the daughter is doing what she can to disobey a court order by jumping through a loophole, and dragging her parents through with her.

 

OP, you are NOT wrong, and you should NOT feel guilty. At all. Honestly, the fact that she is somehow managing to make you feel guilty for not allowing her to treat you like a doormat makes me wonder if she's been manipulating people into getting her way for a loooong time.

 

 

See the problem with having a disagreement with your children, is that sometimes they will fight back and withhold the grandchildren. I really do my best not to make waves and go along.

 

But in this case, it is my young children and husband that are the ones paying the price. Well and me, for lack of sleep. Also his father, because I can't find a way for her to realize that one day her child will look back on this, and call her on it.

 

Everything is difficult right now.

[Sputterduck]

Frankly, I don't understand where people are coming from here. WHY should she do this? She TOLD her daughter she couldn't do this, and now the daughter is having a temper tantrum that she won't change her mind. She has two other perfectly acceptable options - pay for a sitter, at no cost to herself, or get the father (who WANTS to be with the baby) to care for him. She won't do these because (a) she doesn't want to do the work of finding a sitter who will work the hours she needs, and (b) she's being spiteful. She doesn't NEED her mother's help - if she did, she would have gone to day school as requested. It sounds like the daughter's not even grateful for it - she's plainly taking advantage of her. Why should a grandmother sacrifice the well-being of her own family unit to allow her daughter to continue to behave like this? In addition to that, the daughter is doing what she can to disobey a court order by jumping through a loophole, and dragging her parents through with her.

 

OP, you are NOT wrong, and you should NOT feel guilty. At all. Honestly, the fact that she is somehow managing to make you feel guilty for not allowing her to treat you like a doormat makes me wonder if she's been manipulating people into getting her way for a loooong time.

 

 

I don't know. The father tried to get primary custody. That would terrify me. Maybe she is feeling really mamabear about the whole thing and would rather have her mother with her child than the guy tried to make a move to take her kid (I can imagine that's what it would feel like).

[StartingOver]

No. We had restraining orders that prevented him from contacting us, actually.

 

Still, my mom wasn't my only option, and I thought I would share my experience. Given the title of your thread, I assumed you were looking for opinions and experiences.

My apologies if I read that incorrectly.

 

 

I am looking for opinions. But I want to be a grandma, not a parent. He has two parents. One very willing and able to provide daycare for the other. She just won't let him.

 

If I was her only option I would gladly figure out a way to make it work. But it isn't my job. I have two at home now. I raised her, she should work with his father, and the two of them should work it out. I should be called when they together can't do it.

 

Your situation was much different.

[StartingOver]

I don't know. The father tried to get primary custody. That would terrify me. Maybe she is feeling really mamabear about the whole thing and would rather have her mother with her child than the guy tried to make a move to take her kid (I can imagine that's what it would feel like).

 

So exactly how long in your opinion should she punish his father for his offense of wanting his child ? ( There really was virtually no way he would be given primary custody of such a young child unless she was proven unfit. ) But he was fighting back, because she was keeping him away in the first place. Then all the sudden when she wanted to go to school it was ok that he watch him. Then the case came to court for the final decision. Then because her attorney told her not to let him have as much access to the baby, she has went back to restricting his time with his son.

 

It is wrong ! It will come back to bite her.

[StartingOver]

I realize that you are in a difficult position but

 

Does the dad know this is going on? If you could find someway to tip him off, I bet it would end rather quickly. Judges frown on that sort of thing. You might also be able to gently suggest to your dd that that kind of thing is dangerous in a custody dispute. Keeping him away from his father will back-fire.

 

I have told her over and over. See the thing is that I was divorce from her father. He got custody of her and her brother. I fought over and over in court just to get visitation ( very long story, I will PM if you need an explaination). Because my ex would refuse to allow me access every time I was entitled to visitation. That is the real reason I dont' understand this. She knows her father made it very hard on me. But she still does the same to his father. :confused:

[Sputterduck]

So exactly how long in your opinion should she punish his father for his offense of wanting his child ? ( There really was virtually no way he would be given primary custody of such a young child unless she was proven unfit. ) But he was fighting back, because she was keeping him away in the first place. Then all the sudden when she wanted to go to school it was ok that he watch him. Then the case came to court for the final decision. Then because her attorney told her not to let him have as much access to the baby, she has went back to restricting his time with his son.

 

It is wrong ! It will come back to bite her.

 

I really hope he is an awesome guy.

 

Being colored by my previous experience (and I'm totally aware of it) could it be that there is something she can't tell you about him? I was unable to tell my parents about my ex for a loooong time. And they did not understand why I left and did not want my child around him. Even when I did tell them a little, they defended him, which I took as a huge betrayal. Now that I've told them the whole truth, the say they are on my side. But at first, I just could not tell them. Assuming she is a fantastic mother, maybe there is something you don't know.

 

Either way, I feel for her. When you become a mom you want your child to be with you, not torn between two homes. It must be tearing her apart.

[Sputterduck]

I have told her over and over. See the thing is that I was divorce from her father. He got custody of her and her brother. I fought over and over in court just to get visitation ( very long story, I will PM if you need an explaination). Because my ex would refuse to allow me access every time I was entitled to visitation. That is the real reason I dont' understand this. She knows her father made it very hard on me. But she still does the same to his father. :confused:

 

Oh. Think about this. Maybe she is terrified that this daddy will take her child away, just like her father took her away. That is so sad. It already happened once in her life, why would she think it wouldn't happen again and this time, to her?

[StartingOver]

I really hope he is an awesome guy.

 

Being colored by my previous experience (and I'm totally aware of it) could it be that there is something she can't tell you about him? I was unable to tell my parents about my ex for a loooong time. And they did not understand why I left and did not want my child around him. Even when I did tell them a little, they defended him, which I took as a huge betrayal. Now that I've told them the whole truth, the say they are on my side. But at first, I just could not tell them. Assuming she is a fantastic mother, maybe there is something you don't know.

 

Either way, I feel for her. When you become a mom you want your child to be with you, not torn between two homes. It must be tearing her apart.

 

He owns his own home, he has two jobs, and works with CASA ( Court Appointed Safety Advocates ), he volunteers for various causes. He has no record. He is stable ! He is very much in the public eye. I can't imagine there are any skeletons in his closet. I see him very frequently and know his family.

 

This is just a control thing with her in my opinion.

[StartingOver]

Oh. Think about this. Maybe she is terrified that this daddy will take her child away, just like her father took her away. That is so sad. It already happened once in her life, why would she think it wouldn't happen again and this time, to her?

 

And you cant' see it the other way ? That if she was kept away she wouldn't want her son to have access to both parents. It is what is right. It takes two to have a child.

 

There are way to many fathers that just walk away........ having nothing to do with their children. She is beyond lucky to have a father for her child that gives a dang.

 

He is not trying to take her child, he knows it would be almost impossible. He just wants his equal access.

[Sputterduck]

And you cant' see it the other way ? That if she was kept away she wouldn't want her son to have access to both parents. It is what is right. It takes two to have a child.

 

There are way to many fathers that just walk away........ having nothing to do with their children. She is beyond lucky to have a father for her child that gives a dang.

 

He is not trying to take her child, he knows it would be almost impossible. He just wants his equal access.

 

Of course I can! But sometimes when something like that happens to a person it affects them in ways that they don't see. If that were the case, she might not even know why she is uncomfortable with him watching the little guy.

 

And he went for primary custody. That is not trying to get equal access and probably looks far too much like what her own father did.

[StartingOver]

Of course I can! But sometimes when something like that happens to a person it affects them in ways that they don't see. If that were the case, she might not even know why she is uncomfortable with him watching the little guy.

 

And he went for primary custody. That is not trying to get equal access and probably looks far too much like what her own father did.

 

I don't see it as the same at all. She let him watch him, until her attorney said for her not to. She was comfortable with it. She would drop him off all the time. Then one day before court she changed her mind. Not 7 months before when all of this started.

[LauraGB]

But I want to be a grandma, not a parent. He has two parents. One very willing and able to provide daycare for the other. She just won't let him.

 

 

Then that's all there is. Your daughter is not being as mature as she should be in this situation (assuming the baby's dad is a good guy), and she really needs to make a decision about how she wants to get it all done without depending on her mom. I assume she is an adult?

 

If I was her only option I would gladly figure out a way to make it work. But it isn't my job. I have two at home now. I raised her, she should work with his father, and the two of them should work it out. I should be called when they together can't do it.

 

 

 

:iagree: It is not like you are throwing her out into the wilderness with no clothes or anything. This is a pretty common conundrum. It seems as though you are willing to help, but after all other options are taken into consideration. ETA There comes a time in every child's life where the parent needs to take a step back. Possibly if you do this, it will force her to go to the baby's father and good, natural things will come of it.

 

You are not being mean. You are continuing with teaching your daughter. Just my opinion.

Edited March 12, 2010 by LauraGB

[StartingOver]

Then that's all there is. Your daughter is not being as mature as she should be in this situation (assuming the baby's dad is a good guy), and she really needs to make a decision about how she wants to get it all done without depending on her mom. I assume she is an adult?

 

 

 

:iagree: It is not like you are throwing her out into the wilderness with no clothes or anything. This is a pretty common conundrum. It seems as though you are willing to help, but after all other options are taken into consideration.

 

You are not being mean. You are continuing with teaching your daughter. Just my opinion.

 

 

Thanks ! And she is 22. Not newly out in the world. She has been on her own for a while.

[CathyCDK]

I just want to say that I am praying for you and all involved.

 

Cathy

[StartingOver]

I just want to say that I am praying for you and all involved.

 

Cathy

 

Thank you Cathy

[eternalknot]

We had a similar situation in our family; it's not an easy position to be in ((hugs)). I did lose contact with a nephew over it, for about six years before his mother finally came around. That six year period caused a lot of grief and heartache for our family, due to the stress and ill feelings. It affected every holiday, each celebration.

 

It wasn't an easy decision at all, and there was no guarantee she would have ever come around ... but I had to risk it. I had to risk my relationship with her and my nephew, in order to do right by the child. It hurt my heart so badly, and I regret the years I lost with them ... but I don't think I could have looked myself in the mirror otherwise, especially knowing that I had chosen my relationship with the child over the child's relationship with a wanting parent. I don't regret my decision to not enable the mother, and years later she can better see where I was coming from.

 

Someone has to grow up and do the right thing -by the child- here. It's unfortunate that it won't be her.

 

I say this as a single mother, who relied heavily on my parents when I was in school .. and who continues to rely heavily on my parents now that I work outside the home (my mom helps homeschool). I took years off from work and school to raise my siblings' kids when they needed help. Our family has always been willing to work together for the best interests of the whole of us, even at individual sacrifice. In any other circumstance I'd be encouraging you to find a way to make it work through November; you had some good ideas thrown your way. But in this specific situation, I have to say that I agree 100% with Cadam; this just isn't right, and at the end of the day one adult has to do right by the child. Bonus points if that means doing what's in your own best interests, too.

[2cents]

Frankly, I don't understand where people are coming from here. WHY should she do this? She TOLD her daughter she couldn't do this, and now the daughter is having a temper tantrum that she won't change her mind. She has two other perfectly acceptable options - pay for a sitter, at no cost to herself, or get the father (who WANTS to be with the baby) to care for him. She won't do these because (a) she doesn't want to do the work of finding a sitter who will work the hours she needs, and (b) she's being spiteful. She doesn't NEED her mother's help - if she did, she would have gone to day school as requested. It sounds like the daughter's not even grateful for it - she's plainly taking advantage of her. Why should a grandmother sacrifice the well-being of her own family unit to allow her daughter to continue to behave like this? In addition to that, the daughter is doing what she can to disobey a court order by jumping through a loophole, and dragging her parents through with her.

 

OP, you are NOT wrong, and you should NOT feel guilty. At all. Honestly, the fact that she is somehow managing to make you feel guilty for not allowing her to treat you like a doormat makes me wonder if she's been manipulating people into getting her way for a loooong time.

 

I totally agree! My sister used our mom as a babysitter/primary parent to her children for years and whenever mom tried to live her own life my sis would meltdown, throw a tempter tantrum and tell her she wouldn't see the children anymore. My mom always caved to this narcissistic behavior/manipulation and spent the rest of her life being manipulated. What we're left with is a sibling that still doesn't know the meaning of self control and responsibility and nobody wants anything to do with her. Her children are estranged as well. Helping out a child is one thing but there is a fine line between that and enabling them to make bad or selfish decisions. I think the OP should stick to her plan of watching the child for a certain amount of time as long as there is a plan to find alternative care. The father sounds like he should be a primary consideration for this. OP-Good luck with your predicament. I completely understand where you are coming from.

[StartingOver]

I totally agree! My sister used our mom as a babysitter/primary parent to her children for years and whenever mom tried to live her own life my sis would meltdown, throw a tempter tantrum and tell her she wouldn't see the children anymore. My mom always caved to this narcissistic behavior/manipulation and spent the rest of her life being manipulated. What we're left with is a sibling that still doesn't know the meaning of self control and responsibility and nobody wants anything to do with her. Her children are estranged as well. Helping out a child is one thing but there is a fine line between that and enabling them to make bad or selfish decisions. I think the OP should stick to her plan of watching the child for a certain amount of time as long as there is a plan to find alternative care. The father sounds like he should be a primary consideration for this. OP-Good luck with your predicament. I completely understand where you are coming from.

 

Thanks ! :grouphug:

[StartingOver]

We had a similar situation in our family; it's not an easy position to be in ((hugs)). I did lose contact with a nephew over it, for about six years before his mother finally came around. That six year period caused a lot of grief and heartache for our family, due to the stress and ill feelings. It affected every holiday, each celebration.

 

It wasn't an easy decision at all, and there was no guarantee she would have ever come around ... but I had to risk it. I had to risk my relationship with her and my nephew, in order to do right by the child. It hurt my heart so badly, and I regret the years I lost with them ... but I don't think I could have looked myself in the mirror otherwise, especially knowing that I had chosen my relationship with the child over the child's relationship with a wanting parent. I don't regret my decision to not enable the mother, and years later she can better see where I was coming from.

 

Someone has to grow up and do the right thing -by the child- here. It's unfortunate that it won't be her.

 

I say this as a single mother, who relied heavily on my parents when I was in school .. and who continues to rely heavily on my parents now that I work outside the home (my mom helps homeschool). I took years off from work and school to raise my siblings' kids when they needed help. Our family has always been willing to work together for the best interests of the whole of us, even at individual sacrifice. In any other circumstance I'd be encouraging you to find a way to make it work through November; you had some good ideas thrown your way. But in this specific situation, I have to say that I agree 100% with Cadam; this just isn't right, and at the end of the day one adult has to do right by the child. Bonus points if that means doing what's in your own best interests, too.

 

Thanks, it is very difficult. At this point she isn't talking to me. I have no idea when that will end.

 

Thanks !! :grouphug:

[Aggie]

But I dont' want to alienate my daughter for life. I do want her and my grandson in my life. It is a very hard situation.

 

This is indeed a difficult decision for you.:grouphug: I can't even imagine in which direction I would lean if I were in your shoes. I love my dc. I need my sleep. I love my dc. I need my sleep. :)

 

However...it sounds like your dd could be manipulating you. If a temper tantrum=getting her way now, just think what the future could hold for your relationship. :(

 

Just a thought.

[StartingOver]

This is indeed a difficult decision for you.:grouphug: I can't even imagine in which direction I would lean if I were in your shoes. I love my dc. I need my sleep. I love my dc. I need my sleep. :)

 

However...it sounds like your dd could be manipulating you. If a temper tantrum=getting her way now, just think what the future could hold for your relationship. :(

 

Just a thought.

 

 

I understand, I tried something along the same lines with my mother. And yes I thought I could control everything. Of course my mother was wise, and put me in my place.

 

I just hope my daughter comes around like I did.

 

Thanks for the hugs

[StephanieZ]

Wow, what a difficult situation.

 

I think you are right on many counts. It is clear that you are trying to be there for your daugther but that she is making choices that make it very hard for you to do that.

 

I can't imagine how painful being separated from your children must have been. Wow.

 

It occurred to me that I wonder if your daughter is (surely unconsciously) testing your love and/or punishing you for not having custody of her when she was young? Kids of divorce carry so much baggage (count me as one) and I am sure it is even more complex when the mother does not retain primary custody -- as that is such a traditional expectation in our culture. . .

 

So, anyway, I don't know that even if that is true (surely I could be totally off base), that the knowledge will help you. . . But, I do find that in complex family dynamics sometimes you can make amazing progress communicating if you can get down to the heart of the matter. . .

 

As in. . . "dear daughter, I adore you, and I am so grateful that I now have you close to me and that you entrust your child with me. The relationships I have with you and your child are priceless to me. Being close to you now is some compensation for the years I couldn't be as close as I wanted to. . . but it pains me to realize what I lost in those years. . . and it tears my heart to think of the sadness that you, as a little girl, must have felt. I know that a child can't understand in their heart why both parents can't be with them, even though you were always so smart and so kind to me. . . not making me feel even worse than I already did. . . But, you paid a price for the problems that were solely the responsibility of your dad and me. . . For that, I am forever sorry. . . Guilt, etc. . . "OK. . . so, you get the idea. . . Eventually coming around to some understanding that you are committed to her, want to pass her tests, but that you need some help from her so that you can be the grandmom/mom she needs for you to be. . . you need to work together to find some workable arrangement/schedule/plan. . . so you can enjoy each other and not suffer together!

 

I have been amazed at times how cutting to the chase. . . the heart of the pain. . . can suddenly make all these logistical complexities disappear. I wonder how much pain and your daughter share but can't talk about.

 

HTH

[Lovedtodeath]

Yes, you pegged it. The father is capable and willing to watch him.

 

She just started school, has no break at all till November when she is finished. It is a trade school.

 

I am very proud of her going to school, but discussed with her the issues of baby sitters at night, including that I would not be available..... before hand. She said his father would watch him.

:grouphug: I had to take partial credit from my school because of my pregnancy with my son. I couldn't finish it at the time. I was an adult.

 

It sounds to me like she can ask his dad to watch him, switch to day school... come clean about why Dad can't watch him, etc... I totally get that it ruins everything when you have to start your school day late. I have been working very hard to get us on an earlier schedule. I just couldn't let something like this mess everything up for me. Just saying I understand, and you are not a monster.:grouphug:

[Joanne]

Wow. As if you need another opinion. :lol:

 

But, as a divorced, remarried, homeschooling mom and current student, I wanted to answer. Oh, yea, and I'm often not fond of ex-husbands and have been in a custody battle for years. (yes, years:001_huh:)

 

I'll be the first to admit that I can't imagine being in the mental and heart space to be a primary, first option caregiver to my grandchildren. I ran a daycare for years, had closely spaced children, I teach other children. I love my kids, my students and my former daycare clients. But I'm at max and can't see it changing. Stick a fork in me; I'm done. :D If you don't want to watch him, and you clearly communicated that preference, I totally get your choice.

 

*Especially* since you even made it clear you'd be willing to watch him during the day!

 

While I am often a poster to be skeptical of divorce/custody/family law battles, it sounds like being with Dad would *benefit* this little guy! While the fact that he wanted full custody would make me as a mom quite concerned, I think kids benefit from generous amounts of time with both healthy parents and even slightly less than healthy ones. ;)

 

I value education and believe she's making a good choice; I wish I didn't wait this long to pursue mine.

 

I hope you can resolve this with your relationship with your dd intact and *enjoy* your grandbaby.

;)

[_io]

 

Thanks, it is very difficult. At this point she isn't talking to me. I have no idea when that will end.

Is she not talking to you but still dropping off the baby, or has she found someone else to watch him?

[StartingOver]

Wow, what a difficult situation.

 

I think you are right on many counts. It is clear that you are trying to be there for your daugther but that she is making choices that make it very hard for you to do that.

 

I can't imagine how painful being separated from your children must have been. Wow.

 

It occurred to me that I wonder if your daughter is (surely unconsciously) testing your love and/or punishing you for not having custody of her when she was young? Kids of divorce carry so much baggage (count me as one) and I am sure it is even more complex when the mother does not retain primary custody -- as that is such a traditional expectation in our culture. . .

 

So, anyway, I don't know that even if that is true (surely I could be totally off base), that the knowledge will help you. . . But, I do find that in complex family dynamics sometimes you can make amazing progress communicating if you can get down to the heart of the matter. . .

 

As in. . . "dear daughter, I adore you, and I am so grateful that I now have you close to me and that you entrust your child with me. The relationships I have with you and your child are priceless to me. Being close to you now is some compensation for the years I couldn't be as close as I wanted to. . . but it pains me to realize what I lost in those years. . . and it tears my heart to think of the sadness that you, as a little girl, must have felt. I know that a child can't understand in their heart why both parents can't be with them, even though you were always so smart and so kind to me. . . not making me feel even worse than I already did. . . But, you paid a price for the problems that were solely the responsibility of your dad and me. . . For that, I am forever sorry. . . Guilt, etc. . . "OK. . . so, you get the idea. . . Eventually coming around to some understanding that you are committed to her, want to pass her tests, but that you need some help from her so that you can be the grandmom/mom she needs for you to be. . . you need to work together to find some workable arrangement/schedule/plan. . . so you can enjoy each other and not suffer together!

 

I have been amazed at times how cutting to the chase. . . the heart of the pain. . . can suddenly make all these logistical complexities disappear. I wonder how much pain and your daughter share but can't talk about.

 

HTH

 

I have done that, the ball is now in her hands.

[StartingOver]

:grouphug: I had to take partial credit from my school because of my pregnancy with my son. I couldn't finish it at the time. I was an adult.

 

It sounds to me like she can ask his dad to watch him, switch to day school... come clean about why Dad can't watch him, etc... I totally get that it ruins everything when you have to start your school day late. I have been working very hard to get us on an earlier schedule. I just couldn't let something like this mess everything up for me. Just saying I understand, and you are not a monster.:grouphug:

 

Thanks !

[StartingOver]

Wow. As if you need another opinion. :lol:

 

But, as a divorced, remarried, homeschooling mom and current student, I wanted to answer. Oh, yea, and I'm often not fond of ex-husbands and have been in a custody battle for years. (yes, years:001_huh:)

 

I'll be the first to admit that I can't imagine being in the mental and heart space to be a primary, first option caregiver to my grandchildren. I ran a daycare for years, had closely spaced children, I teach other children. I love my kids, my students and my former daycare clients. But I'm at max and can't see it changing. Stick a fork in me; I'm done. :D If you don't want to watch him, and you clearly communicated that preference, I totally get your choice.

 

*Especially* since you even made it clear you'd be willing to watch him during the day!

 

While I am often a poster to be skeptical of divorce/custody/family law battles, it sounds like being with Dad would *benefit* this little guy! While the fact that he wanted full custody would make me as a mom quite concerned, I think kids benefit from generous amounts of time with both healthy parents and even slightly less than healthy ones. ;)

 

I value education and believe she's making a good choice; I wish I didn't wait this long to pursue mine.

 

I hope you can resolve this with your relationship with your dd intact and *enjoy* your grandbaby.

;)

 

I think it is always best for both parents to be involved as much as possible. Unless there is the potential for harm.

 

Thanks

[StartingOver]

Is she not talking to you but still dropping off the baby, or has she found someone else to watch him?

 

I won't know if she is bringing the baby by till Monday. She didn't talk to me all day yesterday. Today ? Who knows. She has given me the silent treatment before.

[Chris in VA]

It sounds like you are worried she will cut off your contact with the grandbaby if you don't watch him. So, are you feeling you have to choose between your littles and her little? And perhaps your dd?

That's such a hard place to be in.

 

Maybe you will have to choose to let go a bit of the grandbaby in order to allow your dd to make another choice. Doing what is right for your daughter and grandson and your own littles may mean choosing the pain of loss for yourself.

 

I think that would be difficult, brave, and right.

 

It doesn't mean you will never see your grandbaby again. But it might be a while if your dd chooses to continue to treat you with such disrespect. I'm sorry. :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

Thanks, it is very difficult. At this point she isn't talking to me. I have no idea when that will end.

 

 

 

Here's hoping she starts to get a hold of herself and start talking, really talking, to ex and you and everyone else who is getting flack because life can be hard at times.

 

If I were forced to stay up until midnight with a child, I would be on the ledge in a few weeks. I am not a late night person in my middle age. I sympathize.

 

Can she switch to the day classes. Go in and plead?

[StartingOver]

It sounds like you are worried she will cut off your contact with the grandbaby if you don't watch him. So, are you feeling you have to choose between your littles and her little? And perhaps your dd?

That's such a hard place to be in.

 

Maybe you will have to choose to let go a bit of the grandbaby in order to allow your dd to make another choice. Doing what is right for your daughter and grandson and your own littles may mean choosing the pain of loss for yourself.

 

I think that would be difficult, brave, and right.

 

It doesn't mean you will never see your grandbaby again. But it might be a while if your dd chooses to continue to treat you with such disrespect. I'm sorry. :grouphug:

 

Thanks Chris. The ball is now in her court. I did talk to her yesterday. It is a waiting game now.

[StartingOver]

Here's hoping she starts to get a hold of herself and start talking, really talking, to ex and you and everyone else who is getting flack because life can be hard at times.

 

If I were forced to stay up until midnight with a child, I would be on the ledge in a few weeks. I am not a late night person in my middle age. I sympathize.

 

Can she switch to the day classes. Go in and plead?

 

She has the option, but chooses not to switch to day classes. That would be easier for everyone but her.

 

She doesn't get that I am not 20, I can't run on 4-5 hours of sleep. I am sure she will work it out.

[Stacy in NJ]

It seems to me all this strife could be prevented if your grandson was on a schedule more accomodating to your family.

 

Would she be willing to work with you to get his sleep/wake pattern on the same schedule as your children's?

 

I'm not a grandparent, although I am in my 40's, but I would have a hard time not helping out my child when they so obviously need assistance. Especially since she seems to want to improve her situation by getting an education. 22 is very young to be out in the world with a young child without support from a spouse or parent.

[StartingOver]

It seems to me all this strife could be prevented if your grandson was on a schedule more accomodating to your family.

 

Would she be willing to work with you to get his sleep/wake pattern on the same schedule as your children's?

 

I'm not a grandparent, although I am in my 40's, but I would have a hard time not helping out my child when they so obviously need assistance. Especially since she seems to want to improve her situation by getting an education. 22 is very young to be out in the world with a young child without support from a spouse or parent.

 

The whole reason for her night school is that she is a night owl. They stay up till 3-5 am, and sleep for 8-10 hours. She isn't going to give up her sleep, and allow me to change his sleep pattern. He wakes up when she picks him up anyway, and won't go to bed till she does.

 

I am not abandoning her. She has other options. I told her ahead of time. I should not have to change my life, my husbands, and my childrens, because she wants ( not needs ) to do night school. It's not like she is working days, or doing anything that would require her to go to night school.

[LibraryLover]

I am laughing that there are 41 yr olds in the world who think 41 is old. I think I hit my most energetic period when I was 40 and with 4 children. Not that I would want to babysit my oldest child's, child. Heck, no. I barely want to watch my sister's tot, and he still takes afternoon naps! I only do it because she really needs me to and is always a huge help to me with my kids.

[StartingOver]

I am laughing that there are 41 yr olds in the world who think 41 is old. I think I hit my most energetic period when I was 40 and with 4 children. Not that I would want to babysit my oldest child's, child. Heck, no. I barely want to watch my sister's tot, and he still takes afternoon naps! I only do it because she really needs me to and is always a huge help to me with my kids.

 

I think the big difference for me right now, is that I have done this for 22 years. I am in peri-mean-o-pause !! I can't sleep well when I do get the chance, I can't turn my brain off. It is would be very difficult to change at this stage, when I was younger it would be no problem.

 

My babies are in a routine, FINALLY ! For years I had teens who slept, then all the sudden I had babies. Now I am back to the sleeping stage, I don't want to give it up !!!

 

If she truly needed my help, I would without a doubt. But she doesn't.

[Stacy in NJ]

The whole reason for her night school is that she is a night owl. They stay up till 3-5 am, and sleep for 8-10 hours. She isn't going to give up her sleep, and allow me to change his sleep pattern. He wakes up when she picks him up anyway, and won't go to bed till she does.

 

I am not abandoning her. She has other options. I told her ahead of time. I should not have to change my life, my husbands, and my childrens, because she wants ( not needs ) to do night school. It's not like she is working days, or doing anything that would require her to go to night school.

 

So your 22 yo dd is immature. Not very shocking. Most 22's aren't terribly mature. You're still her parent, though. Do you want an antagonistic relationship with her or a more loving one? To me, it sounds like you want to be annoyed with her for her inconvenient choices. Although you may have the right to be annoyed, does that really help the situation?

 

I'm not suggesting that you put aside your needs or the needs of your young children to accommodate her, I am suggesting you approach the problem with more maturity yourself so that you can better help her. More maturity on your part would mean helping her find a solution to her situation if possible without the self-righteous indignation.

 

Sorry for the harsh treatment, but do you want advice or just a pat on the back?

[StartingOver]

So your 22 yo dd is immature. Not very shocking. Most 22's aren't terribly mature. You're still her parent, though. Do you want an antagonistic relationship with her or a more loving one? To me, it sounds like you want to be annoyed with her for her inconvenient choices. Although you may have the right to be annoyed, does that really help the situation?

 

I'm not suggesting that you put aside your needs or the needs of your young children to accommodate her, I am suggesting you approach the problem with more maturity yourself so that you can better help her. More maturity on your part would mean helping her find a solution to her situation if possible without the self-righteous indignation.

 

Sorry for the harsh treatment, but do you want advice or just a pat on the back?

 

His father lives right down the road. He wants to watch him. He is a good dad. Why shouldn't he ?

 

You can be harsh all you want. I didn't get her pregnant. I didn't take her off of birth control. I didn't choose to concieve a child when I knew I would be a single parent. I didn't choose to go to night school, even though my mother said she would not be available for baby sitting if I did.

 

Her choice......... is not my problem.

 

The answer is simple. Let his father watch him, or switch to day school if she needs my help. It is not my job to accommodate her !!!!!

 

I don't want her to watch my children.

[mom4him]

My daughter decided last month to go to night school. She was allowing her baby's dad to watch him while she went. Then a final custody hearing came up, and her attorney said to not let him watch the baby. All the sudden, I need to watch him. She said there was no other choice. So I did. The court case is now over. Am I wrong to tell her to now look for a full time sitter???

 

The reasons are that it disrupts my little family. I love my daughter and my grandson. But I have two little ones at home. We have a schedule, which works really well. She didn't ask me ahead of time, or I would have never agreed to watch him for night school. We go to bed early, and get up early. I have been staying up till around midnight, and getting very little sleep. I am cranky and tired. That is not fair to my little ones.

 

I just got to the point with my little ones that they go to bed at 8 pm and get up at 6 am ( after 4 years !!!!!! ). My grandson is on her schedule and wants to go to bed after she picks him up.

 

Tell me I am not cruel ??????

You have to do what is right for your family. I don't baby sit my grand kids. My two are adopted and all my grand kids are adopted or fostered and the two families coming together create a lot of stress. When my son and his wife are here they take care of their children and I ours but when they are not here I become the reff. and it is a miserable, exhausting time.

The last time I was so over tired I was sick. I have told my ds that is just doesn't work and why. It has been almost two yrs now and they have not asked again.

I can honestly enjoy them when they come for a visit this way.

I did what was best for my family.

[MelanieM]

I think you should do what you think is right for you, and it sounds like that's exactly what you're doing. So if it helps to hear that you're right, then sure, you're right to do what you feel is right. What other choice do any of us have, really?

 

I understand this must be difficult for you, but I'd like to throw something out there as an outside, casual observer. I say this with the kindest of intentions, and the hopes that it might help you dig a little deeper into why you're clashing with your daughter over this.

 

The energy behind your posts on this subject feels very hostile. Now, I'm not saying you've chosen particularly hostile words, or said anything inappropriate to the people that have responded to you. Rather, I'm trying to point out how the underlying tone feels from here... It feels like you're angry at your daughter, and you want people to take your side so that you can reassure yourself that you are justified in feeling angry.

 

Whether or not you are speaking to her in anger, or justifying your stance as you are here, the truth is she's going to pick up on your energy behind this whatever you say. So if you are standing in the space of "one of us is right, and the other is wrong", she will meet you in that adversarial place.

 

I wonder if you could find a way to accept that *both* of you are right in your expectations, from your own vantage points, based on your own perspectives. Maybe, for her, you are the only solution that makes sense right now. Maybe, for her, she's feeling abandoned and alone. It doesn't matter if she's justified or not... we feel what we feel, based on what we choose to think about a situation. She is choosing to think that you are doing wrong by her, just as you are choosing to think that she is doing wrong by you. And while you can't control what she thinks, you could equally choose to think you can be right without making her wrong. I think if you could get to that place of peace around your choices *and* hers, this might cease to be an issue for you.

 

Wishing you all much peace. :grouphug:

[StartingOver]

I think you should do what you think is right for you, and it sounds like that's exactly what you're doing. So if it helps to hear that you're right, then sure, you're right to do what you feel is right. What other choice do any of us have, really?

 

I understand this must be difficult for you, but I'd like to throw something out there as an outside, casual observer. I say this with the kindest of intentions, and the hopes that it might help you dig a little deeper into why you're clashing with your daughter over this.

 

The energy behind your posts on this subject feels very hostile. Now, I'm not saying you've chosen particularly hostile words, or said anything inappropriate to the people that have responded to you. Rather, I'm trying to point out how the underlying tone feels from here... It feels like you're angry at your daughter, and you want people to take your side so that you can reassure yourself that you are justified in feeling angry.

 

Whether or not you are speaking to her in anger, or justifying your stance as you are here, the truth is she's going to pick up on your energy behind this whatever you say. So if you are standing in the space of "one of us is right, and the other is wrong", she will meet you in that adversarial place.

 

I wonder if you could find a way to accept that *both* of you are right in your expectations, from your own vantage points, based on your own perspectives. Maybe, for her, you are the only solution that makes sense right now. Maybe, for her, she's feeling abandoned and alone. It doesn't matter if she's justified or not... we feel what we feel, based on what we choose to think about a situation. She is choosing to think that you are doing wrong by her, just as you are choosing to think that she is doing wrong by you. And while you can't control what she thinks, you could equally choose to think you can be right without making her wrong. I think if you could get to that place of peace around your choices *and* hers, this might cease to be an issue for you.

 

Wishing you all much peace. :grouphug:

 

I don't think it has anything to do with me being right, and her wrong. I think it has to do with choices. Once you make a choice you have to live with the consequences. Everyone must ! She talked to me before hand, knew how I felt. Then made her choice.

 

Now I should change because of her choice ? It just doesn't work that way.

 

I am not angry at her, my mothers heart never could be truly angry with her. Disappointed in that after making her choice she now expects me to go along with it, or she will punish me by not letting me see my grandson. That does hurt.

[StartingOver]

You have to do what is right for your family. I don't baby sit my grand kids. My two are adopted and all my grand kids are adopted or fostered and the two families coming together create a lot of stress. When my son and his wife are here they take care of their children and I ours but when they are not here I become the reff. and it is a miserable, exhausting time.

The last time I was so over tired I was sick. I have told my ds that is just doesn't work and why. It has been almost two yrs now and they have not asked again.

I can honestly enjoy them when they come for a visit this way.

I did what was best for my family.

 

:grouphug: It is hard, but we all must do what we have to do.