Am I right ??

[StartingOver]

My daughter decided last month to go to night school. She was allowing her baby's dad to watch him while she went. Then a final custody hearing came up, and her attorney said to not let him watch the baby. All the sudden, I need to watch him. She said there was no other choice. So I did. The court case is now over. Am I wrong to tell her to now look for a full time sitter???

 

The reasons are that it disrupts my little family. I love my daughter and my grandson. But I have two little ones at home. We have a schedule, which works really well. She didn't ask me ahead of time, or I would have never agreed to watch him for night school. We go to bed early, and get up early. I have been staying up till around midnight, and getting very little sleep. I am cranky and tired. That is not fair to my little ones.

 

I just got to the point with my little ones that they go to bed at 8 pm and get up at 6 am ( after 4 years !!!!!! ). My grandson is on her schedule and wants to go to bed after she picks him up.

 

Tell me I am not cruel ??????

Edited March 12, 2010 by alatexan68

[TammyinTN]

You are absolutely not cruel. I would just tell her what you told us. She's a mom and surely she will understand. :grouphug:

[LauraGB]

I don't think you are being cruel at all. Part of the responsibility of having a child is, well, the responsibility! I'd have a hard time saying no, but I think I would, unless I *knew* I was an absolute last resort.

 

A friend of mine had a baby when she was 17, and naturally the father was not in the picture by delivery. I remember how she struggled to go to college and eventually support herself. Now that her daughter is starting college, she told me that the best (and most infuriating) thing her parents did was to offer help when she really didn't *need* it (like, when she wasn't working or going to school, they'd offer to take thier grand daughter over night, but not when she was at work or school, for the most part) and to let her figure out how she was going to juggle everything. She said it made her more determined to get it right and make the single mom thing work.

 

PS My friend is director of nursing at a local hospital (in the ob dept, no less) and her daughter just graduated from private school (private all 12 years, pd for by my friend, btw), made the honor roll all 4 years of hs and is starting college in the fall.

[StartingOver]

You are absolutely not cruel. I would just tell her what you told us. She's a mom and surely she will understand. :grouphug:

 

 

That's just it, she is livid with me. I didn't say I was stopping this second. But that she needed to look. So she said, " Fine I won't ask you to watch him again !"

 

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH

[StartingOver]

I don't think you are being cruel at all. Part of the responsibility of having a child is, well, the responsibility! I'd have a hard time saying no, but I think I would, unless I *knew* I was an absolute last resort.

 

A friend of mine had a baby when she was 17, and naturally the father was not in the picture by delivery. I remember how she struggled to go to college and eventually support herself. Now that her daughter is starting college, she told me that the best (and most infuriating) thing her parents did was to offer help when she really didn't *need* it (like, when she wasn't working or going to school, they'd offer to take thier grand daughter over night, but not when she was at work or school, for the most part) and to let her figure out how she was going to juggle everything. She said it made her more determined to get it right and make the single mom thing work.

 

PS My friend is director of nursing at a local hospital (in the ob dept, no less) and her daughter just graduated from private school (private all 12 years, pd for by my friend, btw), made the honor roll all 4 years of hs and is starting college in the fall.

 

 

I know it isn't a last resort !! She chose to go to school nights. I told her to consider days, so I could help her out if needed. I told her up front I didn't want to watch him nights. But would gladly do so if she went to school days.

[TammyinTN]

She maybe under stress trying to find care.:grouphug: Hang in there...I couldn't do it with two littles to watch during the day...I'd be a bear. ;)

[StartingOver]

She maybe under stress trying to find care.:grouphug: Hang in there...I couldn't do it with two littles to watch during the day...I'd be a bear. ;)

 

I must be old and don't remember being that young. :glare: Even though at her age I had 2 little ones and one on the way. I never started anything unless I had daycare and a backup.

 

I am old now, I need my sleep !!!!!!!!!!

[SproutMamaK]

You're not wrong. This will, however, make her life more difficult, and it sounds like she's having a bit of a tantrum about it. To be fair, I know that I can get a little tantrum-y when life throws me a curveball, too, so not judging over that. Realistically - she's a newly single mom who's just gotten through what sounds like a bad split, she's going back to school to try to make life better for her & her son, she's likely REALLY short on time and money, and now she's being told that she has to find and pay for a sitter. In reality, she's also probably coming face to face with the fact that she's been taking advantage of you these past few months and that your family has been having a tough time dealing with watching her child, and is trying to deal with a little bit of guilt by lashing out. I'm not saying she SHOULD feel guilty, but she's probably angry at what she perceives is you trying to make her feel guilty, and then angry at herself for the short time she's willing to consider the possibility that she really HAS been using you.

 

Your choice is absolutely the right one. Your daughter is an adult, and it's your responsibility to raise the children you have at home and do what's best for your family. She does need to make this change - but it WILL be a hard one for her, and I'm sure you can see why it's so difficult and why she may lash out about it.

 

I would just talk to her and tell her that you're not angry about having to watch him so far and that you're proud of her for doing what needs to be done for herself and her son, so that she no longer feels like she's being "judged" or worries about guilt. Make it clear that you're doing this because you simply can't care for everyone indefinitely like this, and offer any other help you can, like finding a good caregiver, etc.

[StartingOver]

You're not wrong. This will, however, make her life more difficult, and it sounds like she's having a bit of a tantrum about it. To be fair, I know that I can get a little tantrum-y when life throws me a curveball, too, so not judging over that. Realistically - she's a newly single mom who's just gotten through what sounds like a bad split, she's going back to school to try to make life better for her & her son, she's likely REALLY short on time and money, and now she's being told that she has to find and pay for a sitter. In reality, she's also probably coming face to face with the fact that she's been taking advantage of you these past few months and that your family has been having a tough time dealing with watching her child, and is trying to deal with a little bit of guilt by lashing out. I'm not saying she SHOULD feel guilty, but she's probably angry at what she perceives is you trying to make her feel guilty, and then angry at herself for the short time she's willing to consider the possibility that she really HAS been using you.

 

Your choice is absolutely the right one. Your daughter is an adult, and it's your responsibility to raise the children you have at home and do what's best for your family. She does need to make this change - but it WILL be a hard one for her, and I'm sure you can see why it's so difficult and why she may lash out about it.

 

I would just talk to her and tell her that you're not angry about having to watch him so far and that you're proud of her for doing what needs to be done for herself and her son, so that she no longer feels like she's being "judged" or worries about guilt. Make it clear that you're doing this because you simply can't care for everyone indefinitely like this, and offer any other help you can, like finding a good caregiver, etc.

 

 

I am proud of her, and have told her so. I have also given her a list of sitters. I am willing to watch him till she finds someone, within reason of course.

 

She isn't out financially as she is on assistance, and they will pay daycare for her to go to school. I know it is tough, I was a single mom, with three children. I understand her frustration. But she started this knowing that I would not be available for baby sitting.

 

I just feel so guilty ! Even though I know it is the right thing to do.

[Danestress]

Is there some reason the Dad can't watch this baby at night? Is he dangerous?

 

It sounds like she wanted to be able to go to court and show that she is the best parent to care for the child and that you watching him at night is one of the factors in her favor. But if you weren't actually intending to do that after the court date, I think that was a bit misleading. I understand it and might have done the same thing in your situation, so I am not criticizing that, but it does leave a problem. She doesn't actually have child care for this baby and may not be able to afford it. If the Dad is decent Dad, maybe he should have been allowed to do this all along.

 

If not child care costs can often be a factor in setting child support. Did the court use a child care cost in calculating support or did they factor in you as the "free" care?

 

Tough situation. I know you want to help your daughter, but that's tough help! I'm not sure I could stay up that late caring for a baby even at my age.

 

Could you offer to help her pay for care?

 

Might she have a younger, cheaper sitter come over to your house so that she can pay a little less for care and know that you are present in the home, but you could go to sleep?

[Jean in Newcastle]

It sounds like she had already thought she had childcare set up with the baby's father, right? And then the court stepped in. . . wait, it wasn't the court but her attorney. Why? Is he afraid that if the dad is already providing childcare that he will be awarded child custody?

 

No matter what the answers are to the above, going to you for default childcare was not her first choice, though, right? How much longer is her semester or quarter? How much longer is her schooling? I would want to give her time over a break to look for childcare. And if the end of her schooling were near, I would probably suck it up and just provide it for her until she were done.

 

I know that childcare is part of her responsibility. But she is being very responsible in working on schooling, too.

[StartingOver]

Is there some reason the Dad can't watch this baby at night? Is he dangerous?

 

It sounds like she wanted to be able to go to court and show that she is the best parent to care for the child and that you watching him at night is one of the factors in her favor. But if you weren't actually intending to do that after the court date, I think that was a bit misleading. I understand it and might have done the same thing in your situation, so I am not criticizing that, but it does leave a problem. She doesn't actually have child care for this baby and may not be able to afford it. If the Dad is decent Dad, maybe he should have been allowed to do this all along.

 

If not child care costs can often be a factor in setting child support. Did the court use a child care cost in calculating support or did they factor in you as the "free" care?

 

Tough situation. I know you want to help your daughter, but that's tough help! I'm not sure I could stay up that late caring for a baby even at my age.

 

Could you offer to help her pay for care?

 

Might she have a younger, cheaper sitter come over to your house so that she can pay a little less for care and know that you are present in the home, but you could go to sleep?

 

 

One of the issues I have is her "deal" with the father. I think she wants to punish him. And that isn't right for baby or him. He is capable and willing to watch his son. But was asking for primary custody. He watched his son until the night before court. I don't know why he can't again, except that she doesn't want him to ? ( I agree the whole court thing was misleading, there has been a lot of that going on. )

 

Cost of daycare isn't the issue, the state will pay her daycare. The issue is finding someone to watch him at night, from 5 pm till 12 am. But that is something she should have worked out before she started school. Or she should let his father watch him, as he was doing before. I have only watched him these last two weeks.

[StartingOver]

It sounds like she had already thought she had childcare set up with the baby's father, right? And then the court stepped in. . . wait, it wasn't the court but her attorney. Why? Is he afraid that if the dad is already providing childcare that he will be awarded child custody?

 

No matter what the answers are to the above, going to you for default childcare was not her first choice, though, right? How much longer is her semester or quarter? How much longer is her schooling? I would want to give her time over a break to look for childcare. And if the end of her schooling were near, I would probably suck it up and just provide it for her until she were done.

 

I know that childcare is part of her responsibility. But she is being very responsible in working on schooling, too.

 

 

Yes, you pegged it. The father is capable and willing to watch him.

 

She just started school, has no break at all till November when she is finished. It is a trade school.

 

I am very proud of her going to school, but discussed with her the issues of baby sitters at night, including that I would not be available..... before hand. She said his father would watch him.

[Remudamom]

If she was going to be finished in Nov I'd suck it up and watch the baby. Maybe I don't understand, maybe you don't give a *&%$ what I have to say...................

[StartingOver]

If she was going to be finished in Nov I'd suck it up and watch the baby. Maybe I don't understand, maybe you don't give a *&%$ what I have to say...................

 

Responses like this just make my day...... :iagree:

[hornblower]

I'm with Remudamom.

 

I think I'd watch my grandchild & rearrange my family sleeping sched to do this if necessary. One of the many joys of hs'ing for me is that we don't have to do it between 8&3.

 

For me this would be an important lesson for my kids to learn - about how we look out and help each other and care for each other and how families work together.

 

(I would have to work hard to refrain from endlessly reminding the dd that she'd better be just as keen to look after me when I'm old and infirm ....:lol: )

[Mrs Mungo]

If she was going to be finished in Nov I'd suck it up and watch the baby. Maybe I don't understand, maybe you don't give a *&%$ what I have to say...................

 

I agree.

[StaceyinLA]

and not until recently, is that I did not have more children a few years back when I was really trying (of course, I lost 4 to tubal pregnancies, which wouldn't have been my choice, but I now know that the Lord knew what He was doing - for ME).

 

I have a grandbaby now, and, even though I know it is the responsibility of his parents to care for him, I like that I can be there as a grandparent to help them. They can take the opportunity to better themselves for the future, and I can be there to provide quality care for my grandson when needed.

 

Why does this make me thankful? Well, I know if I had little ones it would be different. I know that I would not be the kind of grandparent that I want to be if I still had small ones to raise. I WANT to be a loving, doting grandparent. My teenagers LOVE their nephew and spend lots of time with him. We love having him around. If I were still raising my own young kids, this would probably not be the case.

 

All this is to say that I would keep the grandchild for the brief period. I would not want my grandchild to be in a daycare if I had any way to stop it. IDK - I just think of how my parents were there to help me, and how good it made me feel that my kids could be with my parents when I couldn't be there. I want the same for my grandchildren.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

Well, November is a long way off. That's a LONG time to have disrupted sleep. 8 months is a long time. When I don't get enough sleep, EVERYONE pays.

 

If the father is not dangerous or inept, I'd certainly have him to watch the child (children? sorry, I can't remember). I think children should be with their parents whenever possible.

 

I understand your guilt, I really do.

 

We have 3 grandchildren, small grandchildren, one is 16 months and 6 month old twins. I love having them here during the daytime. They are quite a joy and lots of fun, but when the sun goes down, their Mom needs to come get them.

 

I'm at an age where I just have to get all of my sleep hours in a row. They need to be fed at night, and sometimes want to sleep with us at night, and I just. can't. do. it. When I don't get my rest, I'm miserable and I make everyone around me miserable. I can do it once a month or so, but not for an extended period of time.

 

Some people don't understand. They think I don't love my grandchildren and want to punish my step-daughter for having them. That isn't true. Some people just have different limits with small children and some people need their rest all in one continuous block to function the next day. I am one of these people. That's just how it is. I can and will watch them, but I just really prefer they not stay overnight.

 

All that rambling is to say, if your loss of schedule and sleep is disrupting your inner peace, then she needs to either switch to daytime school or have someone else watch her children. It's not mean to take care of yourself. It really isn't.

[lisamarie]

Maybe tell her that the only way you'll agree to watch him at night is if she agrees to put him on a more family-friendly sleep schedule. Yes, it'll mean that she'll have to wake him up to take him home, but at least you could get to bed earlier. I've had my parents watch my kids until midnight before and when we went to pick the kids up, my parents were in bed sleeping. We just got the kids and left. I actually have a really hard time watching my nephew because his sleep schedule is so contrary to ours. My kids goto bed at 8pm and he goes to be around 10 or 11pm. Mine wake up around 7am and he wakes up around 10am. Mine nap from 12:30-3pm and he naps from 2:30-5pm. I would have a really hard time watching him on a regular basis unless I was able to switch him to my family's schedule.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Maybe tell her that the only way you'll agree to watch him at night is if she agrees to put him on a more family-friendly sleep schedule. Yes, it'll mean that she'll have to wake him up to take him home, but at least you could get to bed earlier. I've had my parents watch my kids until midnight before and when we went to pick the kids up, my parents were in bed sleeping. We just got the kids and left. I actually have a really hard time watching my nephew because his sleep schedule is so contrary to ours. My kids goto bed at 8pm and he goes to be around 10 or 11pm. Mine wake up around 7am and he wakes up around 10am. Mine nap from 12:30-3pm and he naps from 2:30-5pm. I would have a really hard time watching him on a regular basis unless I was able to switch him to my family's schedule.

 

I agree absolutely. BTW - this is what my sister does with her grandbaby. Her dd (the mom) works nights.

[StartingOver]

It wouldn't be daycare........ his father is willing and able to watch him. My daughter just doesn't want him to. If my children were older it would not be an issue. But I have a 3 and almost 2 year old myself........ who do much better on a schedule. It isn't like that is easily changed. I don't get why we should all change our schedule, when it was her choice to go to night school. And her choice not to let his father watch him.

 

I am a doting Grandmother, but the part of Grandmother I like best, is that I can spoil them and send them back to mom !!! My young children should not pay for my older daughters choices !!! I know I had them late in life, but that is my right !

 

My mother would never have watched my children every day, and she didn't have any littles at home. But she did have a life that should not have been rearranged for my convience. This daughter is 22 years old, it is not like she had this child unknowingly. She chose to concieve, she got off of birth control. She knew full well she would be a single mother from the beginning.

 

I didn't chose to watch her child till midnight, five nights a week. Sending my son and children to bed without me. To be without adequate sleep for 8 months. To be cranky and tired with my own small children !!

Edited March 12, 2010 by alatexan68

[StartingOver]

Well, November is a long way off. That's a LONG time to have disrupted sleep. 8 months is a long time. When I don't get enough sleep, EVERYONE pays.

 

If the father is not dangerous or inept, I'd certainly have him to watch the child (children? sorry, I can't remember). I think children should be with their parents whenever possible.

 

I understand your guilt, I really do.

 

We have 3 grandchildren, small grandchildren, one is 16 months and 6 month old twins. I love having them here during the daytime. They are quite a joy and lots of fun, but when the sun goes down, their Mom needs to come get them.

 

I'm at an age where I just have to get all of my sleep hours in a row. They need to be fed at night, and sometimes want to sleep with us at night, and I just. can't. do. it. When I don't get my rest, I'm miserable and I make everyone around me miserable. I can do it once a month or so, but not for an extended period of time.

 

Some people don't understand. They think I don't love my grandchildren and want to punish my step-daughter for having them. That isn't true. Some people just have different limits with small children and some people need their rest all in one continuous block to function the next day. I am one of these people. That's just how it is. I can and will watch them, but I just really prefer they not stay overnight.

 

All that rambling is to say, if your loss of schedule and sleep is disrupting your inner peace, then she needs to either switch to daytime school or have someone else watch her children. It's not mean to take care of yourself. It really isn't.

 

 

Thank YOU !!!! Now I know that I am not alone. Someone else does understand, EXACTLY HOW I FEEL !!

 

I have been living with sleep deprevation for most of the last 4 years with my own, I just finally in the last 3 months have them on the perfect schedule.

[StartingOver]

Maybe tell her that the only way you'll agree to watch him at night is if she agrees to put him on a more family-friendly sleep schedule. Yes, it'll mean that she'll have to wake him up to take him home, but at least you could get to bed earlier. I've had my parents watch my kids until midnight before and when we went to pick the kids up, my parents were in bed sleeping. We just got the kids and left. I actually have a really hard time watching my nephew because his sleep schedule is so contrary to ours. My kids goto bed at 8pm and he goes to be around 10 or 11pm. Mine wake up around 7am and he wakes up around 10am. Mine nap from 12:30-3pm and he naps from 2:30-5pm. I would have a really hard time watching him on a regular basis unless I was able to switch him to my family's schedule.

 

That is part of the issue too, she is young and wants to be up all night. Night school works for her, she sleeps till noon or into the early afternoon. I on the other hand can not do that, rearrange my families schedule ! That isn't fair to my husband or small children.

[StartingOver]

He has a willing and capable father there is no reason you should be watching your grandson at night. I know I get emotional about these kinds of things because I see this from the Dad's side (I married a single father) so maybe you don't want to read the rest.

 

Keeping him from his daddy is wrong and the sooner she learns to parent with her son's father the better for the boy.

 

Dss's mom is amazing. She has always put ds first, always worked around his needs. Shoot, she let's me homeschool him because it's the only way she can spend 2 solid days a week with him. She let's us have him 5 days a week and doesn't complain because she knows that, at this age, he needs Dad more than he needs Mom.

 

When ds was little his mom worked 3-11 and dh took care of ds during that time. It is amazing the bond they both have with him because they worked together. The kid is still a night-owl!

 

Your dd needs to get over her issues with her ex and let him care for his son. Kids need their daddies. Too many kids don't have the privilege to have a father in their life, how dare she keep this boy from a willing daddy!

 

:rant:

 

 

I totally agree and have been on her for not letting his father have all the time he wants with him. It is a game that they are playing at the moment.

 

It is not fair !! She will have to face her son one day. But I can't make her see it !

[fairfarmhand]

would it work if she left him at your house say from 5 till 10. Then maybe the daddy could have him the next couple hours till she was done schooling. Why is she turning her nose up at the father's willingness to provide FREE care for this child if he is not dangerous?

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

I would watch him until she is done with school, only I would get her to bring him over at suppertime and keep him overnight. If she is sleeping until noon after her late night, he needs to be cared for in the morning, too, right?

 

I would just fold him in with my dc until his Mama gets her act together.

[DarlaS]

That's just it, she is livid with me. I didn't say I was stopping this second. But that she needed to look. So she said, " Fine I won't ask you to watch him again !"

 

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH

 

Did she ask in the first place or just assume? It didn't sound like she asked at all...

[hornblower]

Ah well. Your thread title is the question "Am I right??" but I now realize you didn't really want an answer - you just wanted to vent &/or have ppl tell you you're right. That's ok, but it works better if you just say so (& even then, once you put it out there, there's a good chance someone will pipe in with a contrary opinion.)

[Sputterduck]

I'm with Remudamom.

 

I think I'd watch my grandchild & rearrange my family sleeping sched to do this if necessary. One of the many joys of hs'ing for me is that we don't have to do it between 8&3.

 

For me this would be an important lesson for my kids to learn - about how we look out and help each other and care for each other and how families work together.

 

(I would have to work hard to refrain from endlessly reminding the dd that she'd better be just as keen to look after me when I'm old and infirm ....:lol: )

 

 

I totally agree. I can't imagine not helping my child out with my grandbaby.

[DarlaS]

I totally agree and have been on her for not letting his father have all the time he wants with him. It is a game that they are playing at the moment.

 

It is not fair !! She will have to face her son one day. But I can't make her see it !

 

Playing that game will NOT help her case if he does decide to pursue custody. On the contrary, it would make the judge WAY more sympathetic to the dad than he would be if she just shared nicely.

 

If her attorney actually told her that she should keep the baby from his dad, he's an idiot.

[StartingOver]

would it work if she left him at your house say from 5 till 10. Then maybe the daddy could have him the next couple hours till she was done schooling. Why is she turning her nose up at the father's willingness to provide FREE care for this child if he is not dangerous?

 

 

That one I don't get. She will pay for it in the end, I am sure. At first she fought him all the way, then when she moved back here it was convient for him to watch him. So she allowed him. Now all the sudden she doesnt' want him to again. He is stable, employed, level headed. There is no reason why he shouldn't be allowed to spend time with his son.

[StartingOver]

I would watch him until she is done with school, only I would get her to bring him over at suppertime and keep him overnight. If she is sleeping until noon after her late night, he needs to be cared for in the morning, too, right?

 

I would just fold him in with my dc until his Mama gets her act together.

 

 

This isn't an option to her. She can't sleep without him. He just stays up will 2-3 am with her, then sleeps with her. So he is supervised.

[StartingOver]

Did she ask in the first place or just assume? It didn't sound like she asked at all...

 

She assumed. We discussed it before she started school. I told her watching him at night would be very difficult for me. That she should go to day school, so I could help out if needed. But she chose to do night school.

[Danestress]

I am entirely in favor of helping this young Mom get a better job through finishing school.

 

But there is no way I would agree to take on this major parental responsibility when there is a willing and able parent available to do it but the other parent just wants to prevent that relationship. I would not be complicit in keeping a father from his child in these circumstances. It would be better for you, it would be better for the Dad, it would be better for the baby, and your daughter is being selfish.

 

I wouldn't put it that firmly, but I would let her know that while I want to be "baby sitter on call" when she needs me, I am not Mom. The baby has a Mom. And a Dad. Dad should be with the baby when Mom can't be. Grandma should be back up.

 

Further, I would not agree to keep the baby on a schedule like this to suit Mom's desire to sleep until noon. If I kept the baby, the baby would have to be on a schedule that fits my needs. Mom can get up in the morning. Millions of parents work late and still get up with babies.

[StartingOver]

Ah well. Your thread title is the question "Am I right??" but I now realize you didn't really want an answer - you just wanted to vent &/or have ppl tell you you're right. That's ok, but it works better if you just say so (& even then, once you put it out there, there's a good chance someone will pipe in with a contrary opinion.)

 

 

I have no issue with contradictory opinions. I have answered them too. All but the one that was baiting me ! I wouldnt' tolerate that, even on a good day. I am not in high school, thanks !

[StartingOver]

Playing that game will NOT help her case if he does decide to pursue custody. On the contrary, it would make the judge WAY more sympathetic to the dad than he would be if she just shared nicely.

 

If her attorney actually told her that she should keep the baby from his dad, he's an idiot.

 

I totally agree. She and I argue over it almost daily.

[Sputterduck]

I would watch him until she is done with school, only I would get her to bring him over at suppertime and keep him overnight. If she is sleeping until noon after her late night, he needs to be cared for in the morning, too, right?

 

I would just fold him in with my dc until his Mama gets her act together.

 

 

Wow. I am in school. My parents sometimes help out and watch my child. But I would *never* go for him living at their house just because I am in school. Over my dead body. What kind of mother would go for that?

[dangermom]

Little guy should be with his dad.

[Sputterduck]

Just out of curiosity, if he is such a wonderful man, why aren't they still together?

[StartingOver]

But did you pick up on the fact that this child has a FATHER? This is not a destitute single mom with no where to turn. The state will pay for her childcare and the child has a FATHER? A FATHER! You might even say, Daddy, since he actually wants to care for his son. Why should grandma watch him when his daddy wants to be with him?

 

I guess I will have to agree to disagree because I just can not see how the OP should go out of her way to watch a child whose parent wants to be with him. Ridiculous.

 

Dad should go back to court and get a childcare first right of refusal order.

 

 

Thank you, she is not destitute, she can have daycare if she wishes.

 

I think he did try to do just that, There is an order that if the child is to be left with a sitter for more than 6 hours, he is to stay with dad. But I just learned that, and she gets around it because she drops my grandbaby off with my husband and he drives him home. So technically he is with grandpa for 45 minutes, and with me for 5 hours and 45 minutes.

 

I wish I could stand up and scream. But I dont' want to alienate my daughter for life. I do want her and my grandson in my life. It is a very hard situation.

[StartingOver]

I am entirely in favor of helping this young Mom get a better job through finishing school.

 

But there is no way I would agree to take on this major parental responsibility when there is a willing and able parent available to do it but the other parent just wants to prevent that relationship. I would not be complicit in keeping a father from his child in these circumstances. It would be better for you, it would be better for the Dad, it would be better for the baby, and your daughter is being selfish.

 

I wouldn't put it that firmly, but I would let her know that while I want to be "baby sitter on call" when she needs me, I am not Mom. The baby has a Mom. And a Dad. Dad should be with the baby when Mom can't be. Grandma should be back up.

 

Further, I would not agree to keep the baby on a schedule like this to suit Mom's desire to sleep until noon. If I kept the baby, the baby would have to be on a schedule that fits my needs. Mom can get up in the morning. Millions of parents work late and still get up with babies.

 

Thank you !

[StartingOver]

Wow. I am in school. My parents sometimes help out and watch my child. But I would *never* go for him living at their house just because I am in school. Over my dead body. What kind of mother would go for that?

 

yeah , that I am willing to do.

[StartingOver]

Little guy should be with his dad.

 

Thank you !

[StartingOver]

Just out of curiosity, if he is such a wonderful man, why aren't they still together?

 

They never were together. AS IN NEVER MARRIED !

Edited March 12, 2010 by alatexan68
clarifying

[Sputterduck]

They never were together.

 

Oh, like a one night stand thing?

[StartingOver]

Oh, like a one night stand thing?

 

That is none of your business. I can not even believe that you even went there. I love the IGNORE button !

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Wow. I am in school. My parents sometimes help out and watch my child. But I would *never* go for him living at their house just because I am in school. Over my dead body. What kind of mother would go for that?

 

What a bizarre comment.

 

If alatexan can't accommodate her daughter's wishes, she could offer an alternative. A reasonable alternative (to me) would be to keep him overnight, putting him to bed and waking him up with the other children. If that was unacceptable, then perhaps the mother would finally feel motivated to solve her problem on her own.

 

OHHHHHH. I see. You thought I meant to leave the baby there without his Mama. Sorry. Of course I meant that the mother could come over too when she's done with school each night. As an attachment parent from 'way back, it didn't occur to me that anybody would think I was suggesting separating him from his Mama.

 

To clarify, I'm suggesting that I would offer total commitment to both of them, on MY terms (schedule-wise) until the school was over. I would NOT disrupt my schedule when she has other options. I would force the issue with this boundary, and then the dd would be forced to either go along with what works for me or hire help (or allow the Daddy his proper role).

[Crissy]

I don't know if you are right, but I do know that I was once a single mother, and in a place similar to the one where your daughter finds herself.

 

My mom agreed to care for my son while I continued to work, and all these years later, I am still so grateful that she was willing to help me. I was able to provide for my son and begin to build a better life for the two of us, but that was only a small benefit.

My mother and my older son have such an amazing relationship. Were he not able to spend the time with her that he did, I know that wouldn't be so.

 

These days, especially since she has been ill, it is so wonderful to see a teenage boy and his grandmother relate to each other the way they do.

[TCoppock]

I'm with Remudamom.

 

I think I'd watch my grandchild & rearrange my family sleeping sched to do this if necessary. One of the many joys of hs'ing for me is that we don't have to do it between 8&3.

 

For me this would be an important lesson for my kids to learn - about how we look out and help each other and care for each other and how families work together.

 

(I would have to work hard to refrain from endlessly reminding the dd that she'd better be just as keen to look after me when I'm old and infirm ....:lol: )

 

:iagree: