Am I right ??

[MelanieM]

I don't think it has anything to do with me being right, and her wrong.

 

Well, looking at the title of this thread, it seems that it is about right and wrong on some level. I mean, you've been looking for people to tell you you're right... right?

 

Either way, if my comments don't resonate, then by all means, disregard them. :)

[StartingOver]

Well, looking at the title of this thread, it seems that it is about right and wrong on some level. I mean, you've been looking for people to tell you you're right... right?

 

Either way, if my comments don't resonate, then by all means, disregard them. :)

 

I posted because I was unsure if I was being unfair. Now I feel that I was not, that I did what I had to do. Of course people want to receive confirmation that others would do the same. I have not been nasty to anyone who didn't think I was doing the right thing. I can disagree !

[2cents]

I won't know if she is bringing the baby by till Monday. She didn't talk to me all day yesterday. Today ? Who knows. She has given me the silent treatment before.

 

Oh brother...it is just the same stuff my sister would pull on my mom. The silent treatment. She always managed to make my mom the 'bad guy'.

The ball is in your daughter's court. Don't cave under that immature manipulation. You have been very reasonable and she needs to approach this in a mature manner as well. The 'silent treatment/pouting baby' routine needs to stop. It doesn't solve anything.

[Irene Lynn]

After reading all of this thread, I do have a thought. I am very close to your age and have a 16.5 yog and a 3 yob. I really understand where you are coming from and would probably feel the same way. I did have an idea that when you talk to your dd about this, since I am sure that you will :D , perhaps you could suggest one day a week that would work for you. That way you could let her know that you love watching the grandchild and hope to continue to have regular contact, but also need time and a much more regular schedule for the home. If you were also a back up plan in case the father could not watch the child, then I think you could show plenty of support without making extra messes.

 

Would something like that work?

[StartingOver]

After reading all of this thread, I do have a thought. I am very close to your age and have a 16.5 yog and a 3 yob. I really understand where you are coming from and would probably feel the same way. I did have an idea that when you talk to your dd about this, since I am sure that you will :D , perhaps you could suggest one day a week that would work for you. That way you could let her know that you love watching the grandchild and hope to continue to have regular contact, but also need time and a much more regular schedule for the home. If you were also a back up plan in case the father could not watch the child, then I think you could show plenty of support without making extra messes.

 

Would something like that work?

 

I did tell her I would be the back up plan, from the very beginning.

 

Thanks !

[SproutMamaK]

Just curious as to what happened on Monday?

[StartingOver]

Just curious as to what happened on Monday?

 

I have not heard from or seen her or the baby all week. I am sure it will take a bit of time for her to :chillpill:.

 

Thanks for asking !

[duckens]

Could you slog through for one more semester for the sake of your grandchild not going to strangers? Then lay down the law that this is the LAST TIME.

 

It sounds like she thought she had childcare: the father, until the judge was concerned about his fitness. Did I miss something?

 

I am a childcare professional. I have done babysitting, nannying, and in-home daycare since I was a young teenager.

 

Paraphrased:

"Money isn't an issue; she's on government assistance."

 

It is IMPOSSIBLE to find a childcare professional who will take kids overnight.

 

1) Because of the long work days of childcare professionals, low pay, and the fact that they have their own children, most day cares won't take kids past 6pm.

 

I take that back. I did speak to one woman who was talking about opening an overnight in-home daycare last year: she was a former carney (carnival worker) who had recently landed in town and started working days at a fast food restaurant. No kids of her own EVER. No stability in her life for the previous two decades. No education, especially specialized for kids. She just talked about the potential money.

 

But your sleep is more important than your grandchild's safety and care!

 

2) Because your daughter receives government support for childcare, she must go to a registered/licensed daycare. She can't just have her friend watch the child and have the state pay; at least in Iowa, this is how it works.

 

3) Most registered providers won't take state pay because the state pays less than the going rate. (In Iowa, it was $113/week from the state vs. the going rate of $125 as reported by the local childcare resource statistics). It is illegal for babysitters to ask for ANYTHING EXTRA from the parents. There is also more paperwork, a billing system that probably doesn't line up with the provider's billing system (hence, a doubling of the amount of time the provider spends on billing each month), being paid late by the state, having to go to two entities for payment (the state & the parent), and STILL not being paid by the parent.

 

4) If your daughter flunks out of college, the state will NOT pay to let her go back. She will have to work a minimum wage job with limited help, save money to pay for two classes, and go to school. I have seen this happen. You do NOT want this to happen to your family.

 

"The father is fit and ready to care for his child."

 

Do you know the father is fit to care for the baby? How do you know? I don't know of any judges that randomly decide that, and if anything, the judgments I have seen over the past two decades show balance and the ability for both parents to participate in their children's life.

 

I don't doubt that your daughter may be trying to punish the baby's father, but most judges are smart enough to see through this; especially if the father was smart enough to have a lawyer.

 

Things that can go badly in a courtroom:

--Losing your temper on the stand.

--Coming to court without a lawyer says that you are not serious about the situation.

--Coming to court in unprofessional clothing (jeans and a dirty wifebeater tank top vs button-down shirt and dress pants) says you are not serious about custody.

--Wasting the judge's time with accusations about the other party when it was not important enough to you to bring the proof of that accusation.

--Not being there for your child when they needed you. (This one is easy to twist, but some situations are really obvious. Did the father go to the hospital when the baby was born? Is he prompt for visitation and other appointments, even if it is worked out just between your daughter and father? Does he take the child to inappropriate places?)

 

And, yes, unfortunately a lot of this I have seen yet again in the past year with my dear little C3 and his parents. :(

Edited March 18, 2010 by duckens
ETA grammatical errors, more details

[PollyOR]

Jana, from one grandmother to another...GOOD FOR YOU! You are an awesome mom for allowing your dd to learn from her choices/consequences. Parents who step in and save the day constantly are not helping their children in the long run.

 

My dd is married with two littles (2 1/2 yrs. and 7 months), and recently went back to school. It would have been convenient for her to leave her children with me since she has to drive by my house every day. She wanted to ask me to keep her children instead of paying $1600/month, but she knew better. Yes, I'm still her mother, BUT I have other children too.

 

I know this may sound unkind to those who haven't walked in my shoes. It has been a struggle from day one to get these two parents (23 & almost 30) to be THE parents. My son-in-law loves to use other people and will milk us if I don't stand firm. I had to set up boundaries to remind these two that 1)I have other children, and 2)they are the parents, not me.

 

I do help. My girls and I watched them for several hours this week while their mama took a final. The baby even had a fever. And yes, school was a total bust that day.

 

Jana, what you are doing is good for your little family and for your daughter. Of course, she doesn't see that now. :grouphug:

[StartingOver]

Could you slog through for one more semester for the sake of your grandchild not going to strangers? Then lay down the law that this is the LAST TIME.

 

I am a childcare professional. I have done babysitting, nannying, and in-home daycare since I was a young teenager.

 

Paraphrased:

"Money isn't an issue; she's on government assistance."

 

It is IMPOSSIBLE to find a childcare professional who will take kids overnight.

 

1) Because of the long work days of childcare professionals, low pay, and the fact that they have their own children, most day cares won't take kids past 6pm.

 

I take that back. I did speak to one woman who was talking about opening an overnight in-home daycare last year: she was a former carney (carnival worker) who had recently landed in town and started working days at a fast food restaurant. No kids of her own EVER. No stability in her life for the previous two decades. She just talked about the potential money.

 

2) Because your daughter receives government support for childcare, she must go to a registered/licensed daycare. She can't just have her friend watch the child and have the state pay; at least in Iowa, this is how it works.

 

"The father is fit and ready to care for his child."

 

Do you know the father is fit to care for the baby? How do you know? I don't know of any judges that randomly decide that, and if anything, the judgments I have seen over the past two decades show balance and the ability for both parents to participate in their children's life.

 

I don't doubt that your daughter may be trying to punish the baby's father, but most judges are smart enough to see through this; especially if the father was smart enough to have a lawyer.

 

Things that can go badly in a courtroom:

--Losing your temper on the stand.

--Coming to court without a lawyer says that you are not serious about the situation.

--Coming to court in unprofessional clothing (jeans and a dirty wifebeater tank top vs button-down shirt and dress pants) says you are not serious about custody.

--Wasting the judge's time with accusations about the other party when it was not important enough to you to bring the proof of that accusation.

--Not being there for your child when they needed you. (This one is easy to twist, but some situations are really obvious. Did the father go to the hospital when the baby was born? Is he prompt for visitation and other appointments, even if it is worked out just between your daughter and father? Does he take the child to inappropriate places?)

 

And, yes, unfortunately a lot of this I have seen yet again in the past year with my dear little C3 and his parents. :(

 

 

His father is watching him, her aunt is the back up right now. Her aunt is certified.

 

Now she just has to get over it, which she will eventually.

 

I was honest from the beginning.

[StartingOver]

Jana, from one grandmother to another...GOOD FOR YOU! You are an awesome mom for allowing your dd to learn from her choices/consequences. Parents who step in and save the day constantly are not helping their children in the long run.

 

My dd is married with two littles (2 1/2 yrs. and 7 months), and recently went back to school. It would have been convenient for her to leave her children with me since she has to drive by my house every day. She wanted to ask me to keep her children instead of paying $1600/month, but she knew better. Yes, I'm still her mother, BUT I have other children too.

 

I know this may sound unkind to those who haven't walked in my shoes. It has been a struggle from day one to get these two parents (23 & almost 30) to be THE parents. My son-in-law loves to use other people and will milk us if I don't stand firm. I had to set up boundaries to remind these two that 1)I have other children, and 2)they are the parents, not me.

 

I do help. My girls and I watched them for several hours this week while their mama took a final. The baby even had a fever. And yes, school was a total bust that day.

 

Jana, what you are doing is good for your little family and for your daughter. Of course, she doesn't see that now. :grouphug:

Thanks ! And :grouphug: back at you. It is hard to parent sometimes, now matter what age our children are.

 

I know she will see it eventually, it may be 20 years from now when she is in my shoes. :001_smile: