Panicking - Moms of 5+ talk me down

[2squared]

So, I am just barely pregnant, but pregnant is pregnant. I am in absolute panick at the moment. Please help talk me off the ledge.

 

Panick isn't the right term. I am literally crying. How do you - one mere mortal woman - spread yourself between 5 (or more) kids? How do you give them the one-on-one time that you so passionately want to spend with each of them? We were already spread thin and now we have another on the way. My oldest just keeps getting older and I feel like I'm short changing her. The littles get attention because they are physically demanding. The olders can slip through the cracks because their needs aren't so front-and-center.

 

How do you do it? How do you carve out little chunks for each dc? We were really looking forward to a new season of life - one without newborns and diapers.

 

I'm sure it isn't as bad as I think, but it seems overwhelming at this moment.

[MamaT]

You will adjust. My last three were all within 28 months of each other - a newborn, a 9 month old, and a 2 year old. In order to do school with the older three, I had a teenage girl come in every morning 5 days a week. Her job wasn't to help me with the littles, I wanted to do that. She did everything I couldn't seem to get to, laundry and cleaning. We managed to get school done juggling around the little ones naps. We used way more sing-a-long and Barney videos for them than should be allowed, but we managed.

 

You have to remember that they won't be little long. It is a season and you will manage. Is there any way to get some help? Homeschool teenagers don't cost a lot and are LOTS of help. :001_smile:

[Renee in NC]

It is hard when they are young. I remember feeling the way you do when I was expecting #6 (and #7 for that matter.) They do grow up and it does get easier, but just realize that this *is* a season. Having 4 dc 5 and under is hard. Having 5 dc 7 and under is hard as well. They may not get the attention you think they need, but it will be okay.

 

You just get through the day. Scheduling time with individual children helps. If you run an errand while dh is home, take *one* child with you. Get them to do your work along with you. Figure that you won't get one on one time with each of them everyday, but you can carve time out for the ones that need it (some just seem to not need that time like others do.)

[Peela]

Oh my goodness- your oldest is 7?

You will get the strength you need by living one day at a time! I cant help- I have 2. But I am often envious of big families!

[Sophia]

:grouphug:

 

Well my dc are spaced out more than yours, but that wasn't my design, it was God's.

I do go through a lot of "mommy guilt", always thinking of what has not gotten accomplished or who didn't get enough of my time that day.

 

But...my dc don't feel shortchanged.

 

I've apologized to my older ones many times when I have felt I neglected them, and they just laugh and say everything is fine. And they are right.

 

My dc love being part of a large family. My older ones are old enough to remember when there were just three, but they wouldn't give up their younger sibs for the world.

 

I would def see if you can get a mommy's helper for a time though.

I had one when I just had my first three and it helped tremendously. (Now, my olders help with the littles.)

 

Trust me, your time without diapers will be here before you know it.

 

I know it's a little like telling a 14 y.o. "trust me, you'll be gone and married before you know it"...but it's true.

[abreakfromlife]

You know - it's going to feel terrible for awhile, and it's ok. It's going to be ok to get overwhelmed and to just not do all the house chores or hit every school subject or make the beds every day :D For a long time I thought something was wrong with me because it was so hard. And then I realized 'duh, I have 5 kids under the age of 7, 8, it's going to be hard'. Once I realized it was ok to be a little overwhelmed and to not feel guilty about everything I wasn't doing, I could concentrate on what I was doing.

 

Sometimes my baby just needs me to hold him, and that is ok. B/c I'm just sitting there with him doesn't mean I'm failing somewhere else - I'm giving the baby what he needs.

 

I did have to lower my school expectations for awhile. I just had to tell myself that my dd was only 7, 8, and that I wasn't ruining her for life by not doing WTM every day :D On the good days, I came up with ways to help me get stuff done. I learned that if I printed up worksheets and copywork pages ahead of time, I could hand them out to the oldest two, so even days where we don't get much actual school done, they are still learning and reviewing. Now that the two oldest can read has been a big help - I can hand them books and send them off to read.

 

I will say that now that my baby is 2, it is getting easier. He's old enough now that I don't have to watch him every second, and he can go play with the 3 and 4 yo for awhile, so now I am able to get more school in, when I'm sufficiently organized and have everything printed and ready for me on Monday morning.

 

I've had to ask my dh to take over some things, like dishes in the evening. I can keep up with them somewhat during hte day, but if we would do them after dinner, that helps me a lot to have a clean kitchen in the morning. I double up batches of bread and pancakes so I don't have to make breakfast every single day. My dd makes sandwiches for lunch, and I'm slowly teaching them chores to help me with the house.

 

It is hard, but it gets easier, and it works. You can still spend time with each kid, and even a couple of kids at a time. They are so close it makes school easier; you can double up on a lot of subjects, and they are each other's best friends.

[jld]

Please, it's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. You're healthy, right? And your children are healthy? And we're going to trust that the baby is going to be healthy.

 

Just relax and let things slide. Is everyone eating? Do you have some clean clothes? Like someone else said, get dh to go to the store. You stay home and rest and relax. He can help with laundry, too. Just do what you can everyday, and forget anything stressful, like schoolwork. That will come when you're ready for it. Just eat well and see if you can get a shower regularly -- that should make you feel good. And make sure you do whatever you can to feel good, like spending some time here, or talking with supportive friends, or just having your dh hold you every day and tell you how much he loves you.

 

Congratulations on your new blessing. When he/she comes, just hold him/her and love him/her and "let the baby be the curriculum", as someone mentioned once here (there is an article about this on the internet somewhere).

 

I have five and would love more, but I can't. Enjoy yours!:grouphug:

 

P.S. Do you go to La Leche League meetings? See if there are some in your area. There are usually a lot of loving mamas there that can give you great tips and encouragement!

[Kalypso]

Please, it's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. You're healthy, right? And your children are healthy? And we're going to trust that the baby is going to be healthy.

 

Just relax and let things slide. Is everyone eating? Do you have some clean clothes? Like someone else said, get dh to go to the store. You stay home and rest and relax. He can help with laundry, too. Just do what you can everyday, and forget anything stressful, like schoolwork. That will come when you're ready for it. Just eat well and see if you can get a shower regularly -- that should make you feel good. And make sure you do whatever you can to feel good, like spending some time here, or talking with supportive friends, or just having your dh hold you every day and tell you how much he loves you.

 

Congratulations on your new blessing. When he/she comes, just hold him/her and love him/her and "let the baby be the curriculum", as someone mentioned once here (there is an article about this on the internet somewhere).

 

I have five and would love more, but I can't. Enjoy yours!:grouphug:

 

P.S. Do you go to La Leche League meetings? See if there are some in your area. There are usually a lot of loving mamas there that can give you great tips and encouragement!

 

I could not have found better words. Relax, enjoy your little ones. It is going to be hard for a awhile, but this new baby is a blessing. One day at a time...:)

[Murphy101]

This is temporary. You will adjust. One on one is over-rated. There's a lot to be said for being squished on the sofa reading a book or playing games. 7 is not all that old or needy an age. Relax. Enjoy. It's going to be an awesome adventure. Congratulations!

[elfgivas]

there is a website called largefamilylogistics that we found very helpful. routines seem to be the saving grace....

 

now i only have two left at home, and how i miss the others!

but you are right, there will be Those Days when you need tea, chocolate and peace.

 

good luck!

ann

[Remudamom]

Okay, calm down. Our oldest kiddo was about five, and the next one was about 13 months when we found out we were expecting triplets. I was astonished! So.... when the trips were born I had three newborns, an 18 month old and a six yr old.

 

We called the trips "assembly line babies". I frequently bathed, fed, changed and played with four babies at a time. No, they didn't get all the attention just one would have gotten. In fact, sometimes friends came over and helped me cuddle babies!

 

You can do it. We all survived. My children don't feel neglected. As they get older it gets easier. Mine are now 21, 17 and 15,15,15!

[BlsdMama]

No, I think I know what you're saying. You're not worried about the logistics... Or are you really? It sounds like you're worried about the relationships, the time, the INVESTMENT of commitment we pour into each child. I mean with little ones around they're so physically demanding that sometimes you worry about having enough time and energy to pour into the older ones. It sounds to me like you aren't worried about how to get clothes clean, or how you'll change diapers again. It sounds to me like you're worried how to divide the 24 hours you're given into each child so that the real investment is still there. I get that!

 

 

And there are days! :D

 

But oh my. What in the world would I do without #5? Or #6?

 

Everything in life is a trade off. You'll always have to prioritize in order to make what is important happen. With five kids, or eight, you'll have that. There WILL be times when your oldest gets ignored... If you choose to call it that. We prefer (since she's almost 14) to think of it as giving her a little space/time to figure out who she is. It doesn't mean we ignore her, but it doesn't mean I couldn't hover if I wanted to, lol.

 

That said, Ana and I make sure we CARVE OUT TIME because it's a PRIORITY.

 

This last weekend we left the kids with Daddy for a bit and she and I went to check out the local bookstore (we just moved here) and our local yarn store. Last year we took knitting classes (something that interested both of us) and now we have an interest we can share. I like to knit, but she likes to dye, so it binds us together a bit. We both LOVE reading, love books, love talking about authors... It gives us a reason to get away, have a cup of tea, or coffee, or cocoa together.

 

Our second oldest likes outdoors. He and Dad are joining Scouts together. It will give him some one on one time. He's almost 11 and he and his dad need to CULTIVATE some activities together as well.

 

There are families of four who don't bother to carve out time together. There are families of 12 who work hard to make sure they come together at night to share a meal, talk, play games, read, and cultivate relationships.

 

Trust me, it has NOTHING to do with family size. Those of us with really large families are so aware of it that we go out of our way to make sure no one gets lost in the mix. Those with small families can sometimes not work so hard because they don't worry about it as much! The perk of a large family is that it keeps you aware that it takes work to keep up on a relationship with each individual child, kwim? I also think being part of a large sib group takes a lot of pressure off. For example our Elizabeth loves plays, drama, etc. So do I!!!!!!!!! If we didn't have Lizzie, I'm telling you right now, I'd be dragging Ana to plays, lol. :D But Ana is free to have her likes/dislikes because I can have mini-me (Liz) to tag along with me.

 

I know it seems overwhelming. I have those days. The kids are talking about "needing a baby brother" and the current baby is seven weeks old. It's taking a lot of self control not to bite the children. :iagree: Um, do they know how much work this takes?! But I'm telling you it's all worth it. And yes, they have days when they'd really like to not have toddlers going through their "stuff" or drawing on their math...... But at the end of the day they are REALLY close. And I wouldn't trade my life with anyone else. Our new little one may have some serious issues. We'll see. The first eight weeks of her life have been really, really hard. We've been up against some things we haven't faced before. But she's an absolute gift from God Himself. And I'm pretty grateful I have her. And my kids adore their Baby Ella. As she hits or misses milestones, we'll walk this together. And I have a hard time believing my kids will ever resent her from "taking" their time/my energy because they aren't raised to think that way. We're a family... Not just a group of individuals thrown together by happenstance. It's never about one, but about the family. And I think they're better human beings because of it.

 

Have a blessed day.

Edited February 17, 2010 by BlsdMama

[Veritaserum]

Breathe! I was where you are (panicked!) when we unexpectedly found out that number 5 was on her way. Routines help (workboxes have been a lifesaver!) as do having priorities and having realistic expectations.

 

I try to give each child a turn with me during the day so that they get at least some one-on-one time. I'm thankful for homeschooling because if my kids were in school all day I don't know how much time I'd get with the older ones.

 

You will be ok! :)

[AngelBee]

No great advice, but I am praying for you :grouphug:

[MommyRyan]

We have implemented rotating "kid for the day". I try to focus extra on whoever is "kid for the day". DH and I bring that kid on our errands, linger in their room when we tuck them in, and let them lead dinner conversation. We celebrate birthdays and half birthdays and make them a very, very big occasion. We also have a teen or my MIL come in a couple times a week to help with laundry and meal preps so I have extra time with the kids. I agree with a PP though that one-on-one time can often be over rated. I wouldn't trade my dc growing up in a large family, or being so close in age that they can really grow up *together*, for anything.

 

If you are worried about being truly close to them, knowing them inside and out, and ensuring that they feel as loved as they are, think of it this way: you will have 5 dc. I'm sure you already have 5 people in your life, be they siblings, friends, parents, etc. whom you love very deeply and know very, very well. Just be there for your kids. Ask the older ones occasionally if they'd like to talk. Let them be the leaders in dinner conversation. If you can afford it, take them on vacation just the two of you, or take them for a special outing for the day.

 

Everything will be fine. Better than fine. Children are such a blessing, and I know you will enjoy having a big family. Many blessing to you, and congratulations on your pregnancy!!

[Red]

It takes alot of effort but it is possible. You have to be intentional about it. We have found that find out what interest your child most and use that. We do regular game nights. But we rotate kids sometimes and dh and I will have a blast with each child. The kids love that and we have some great conversations with them. We play alot together as a family too. We also take th birthday child out with mom and dad for the day. When they are older they like to take turns helping with cooking and we talk alot. My dd loves to have our late night chats. The main thing is to just relax and have fun with them. Make sure that they know you are always available to them when needed. It will be rough at times but it will get easier.

[KidsHappen]

I Know exactly how you feel. I cried when I saw the pink line in two cases and with one of them, I didn't stop crying for four months and there are six years between number 2 & 3 and the last three are each three years apart so it really wasn't that bad.

 

I was incredibly blessed in that my mother and brother either lived with us or incredbily close to us from the time number three was born until number six was about two. ANd I only had one of the older two at a time during that time period (both of which were quite a bit older) so we always had a ratio of at least one to one of adult to children. Each child adult grouping was very cloely bonded so each child was always someones favorite and every adult always had a kids that they did very well with. I know I had extraordinary circumstances and not everyone will have those but I still found the youner days easier.

 

No one expected to me paint their room or dye their hair or needed me to shop for something right now. All I was expected to do was feed, clothe, and love them. Cleaning the house even seemed easier then because the kids were not capable of making as big of messes as they do now. I also suscribed to the better late than early school philosophy which was much easier with multiple children. So when I started formal schooling with number three when she was seven, the next youngest one was only four and didn't need schooling yet. By the time she got to seven the next youngest one was four and the previous one was ten and capable of doing on subject at a time on her own. I also rotated them so that one child did all their schoolwork and then was free for the day while I worked with the next one and so one down the line.

 

It seems overwhelming when you are looking at it ahead of you but it all works out and it goes so quickly that you can scaresly remember what it was like because you are so busy with what is going on now. Allow yourself the stress now. Deal with the emotions because if you don't, I guarantee they will come back post partum when you really need your energies to deal with having an newborn on top of all your other responsibilities.

 

Congratulations. You'll do just fine.

[delaney]

You can do it! This baby will just ease into the chaos before you know it. Really going from 2 to 3 was my hardest transition but after that it has been easy! Relax, take a breathe, keep on going. IT WILL BE FINE!:)

[herbalgirl]

You've already been given great replies and encouragement, so I will just add my encouragement: it will be ok. You really WILL be able to spread yourself around to 5+ kids. You can see from my sig that I have 5: almost 8, almost 6, just turned 4, 2.5 and almost 4 months.

 

It is crazy. It is busy. It is crazy busy!! :D

 

It will all be ok. :grouphug:

[cathmom]

Congratulations! My number 5 turned into numbers 5 and 6 LOL!

[tenoraddict]

Oh, sweetie, you will be OK. :grouphug: Your hormones are going crazy right now... That's why God gives you 9 months of "gestational adjustment" before the baby comes...to get over the shock and give you time to prepare. :)

[happyhomemaker25]

We adopted our children. Some days I get so sad because they did not get the opportunity to be the baby in our home. They just came to us.

We do a lot together as a family. Look at it this way you have five children and 7 days. Designate a day a week to let one kid help you in the kitchen during dinner or go for a walk on that day or stay up a little later and spend some time with you reading, playing a game or just talking.

When you have a chance to run an errand by yourself, grab a kid.

Make a date with your oldest every month or so. Go to lunch and do something fun. Talk with love and respect all about her role as the oldest. Make her understand she is needed.

Honestly, our kids do well with us all spending time together as a family. If I miss a day with a kid it seems to not be a big deal as long as we had some family time during the week.

It does take some extra work, but you will be surprised at how in tune you actually are. You will notice when someone needs a little more time with you.

Make sure you are excited about the baby after you tell the kids. It will make them excited too.

It will come to you, mama! Hang in there. :)

Oh yeah, and one thing I have noticed is that when people are bashing large families as not giving their kids enough one on one time, they don't realize (nor do we sometimes) how much time they actually get because of homeschooling. We are with our kids almost 24/7. We don't really need all the time working parents do with their kids. Does that make sense? It's not to say we don't need to spend fun time with our kids.. it's just we are already with them a lot.

 

Forgive some of those run on sentences. I tried to change them, but I am having a serious case of placenta brain today! :tongue_smilie:

[2squared]

Thank you, everyone. I have been crying and crying, especially when I open this thread. I am sure this will be a good thing, but I can't see it at this moment. I know I can get through the diapers, sleepless nights, and general chaos (I think????), but I worry so much about my ability to parent like I want. So many bodies, so little time. I tend to get into an assembly line, dictator mode because there is so much to do with so many little bodies.

 

No, I think I know what you're saying. You're not worried about the logistics... Or are you really? It sounds like you're worried about the relationships, the time, the INVESTMENT of commitment we pour into each child. I mean with little ones around they're so physically demanding that sometimes you worry about having enough time and energy to pour into the older ones. It sounds to me like you aren't worried about how to get clothes clean, or how you'll change diapers again. It sounds to me like you're worried how to divide the 24 hours you're given into each child so that the real investment is still there. I get that!

 

This entire post (not just the quoted part) spoke right to my heart. Thank you.

 

I would post more but it's early and I'm crying again. Thank you, all!

[johnandtinagilbert]

So, I am just barely pregnant, but pregnant is pregnant. I am in absolute panick at the moment. Please help talk me off the ledge.

 

Panick isn't the right term. I am literally crying. How do you - one mere mortal woman - spread yourself between 5 (or more) kids? How do you give them the one-on-one time that you so passionately want to spend with each of them? We were already spread thin and now we have another on the way. My oldest just keeps getting older and I feel like I'm short changing her. The littles get attention because they are physically demanding. The olders can slip through the cracks because their needs aren't so front-and-center.

 

How do you do it? How do you carve out little chunks for each dc? We were really looking forward to a new season of life - one without newborns and diapers.

 

I'm sure it isn't as bad as I think, but it seems overwhelming at this moment.

BTDT...and I'm always ready to be rid of diapers!

 

You will adjust in the same way you did when you went from 1--2 or 2--3. Time brings out necessity.

 

Spend time whenever you can and adore them in the little moments. I am no superwoman. If I can do it, you can to.

 

Remember, patience is grown, not manufactured. You can do it.

:grouphug: