Nestof3 Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 If you don't have one of these children, you can skip the book and go on your merry way. If you do, I empathize with you. If you have two like I do, or you yourself are "spirited," -- get thee to Amazon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamato3 all-boy boys Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 I'm curious....how does the book define a "spirited child"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamom Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 I first read this book when my now 13 year old was 3 and it is the only parenting book that I own. I've read and re-read this numerous times to get a boost when I was getting frustrated -- reminds me I probably need to read it again, today I also like the sequel Kids, Parents and Power Struggles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 (edited) I'm curious....how does the book define a "spirited child"? The book reminds me a little of another book I just finished reading, The Explosive Child." Spirited is the word the author uses instead of explosive or difficult. It refers to children who have sensory issues, attention issues, intensity issues (we call it passion in our home), rigidity issues, difficulty transitioning from one activity to another, etc. He also discusses energetic children. Warning: It is different than the typical, "do as I say when I say it" books I am used to -- especially since I am a Christian. I have been trying to do as I've always done with my youngest two -- particularly Ben, but I have intuitively known for some time that what appears to be "disobedience" is not always so. "Punishing" his lack of self-control has not been working -- it makes it worse. I have figured out on my own that what works is calming him first when he is "freaking out" by either holding him, rocking him, talking softly to him, asking him "how can I help you?" etc. works. He is always very sorry for exploding after the fact, but now I am trying to help him through it instead of punish him through it. I have been so proud of him lately in that he has begun using his words. I have been trying to tell him to say things like, "I'm frustrated" instead of "that stupid Lego." The other day, I said, "Ben you may not use those words," and he said, "I'm sorry -- I'm frustrated." And, I've been trying to get him to describe how he feels inside instead of blaming others and other things. So, tonight on our trip home after a couple of days out of town, he said when very frustrated with something, "I feel like I am about to explode." That was much better than throwing something or kicking the back of the seat. I can relate to him, and I see myself so clearly in this book. I am trying to use empathy and calming instead of looking at his behavior as "bad." I look at him as though he needs "help" not correction. BTW -- Ben has always been a difficult child -- even since birth. He was difficult to soothe, cried for hours, talked late (3 years old before he could say more than 10 words), etc. I feel like we are making progress. Edited January 2, 2010 by nestof3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Thank you for the reminder. This book has been a life-saver more than once. I was just remarking to my dh, "I am stumped by this kid!' (Again.) Methinks I need to get out Raising Your Spirited Child once more. If nothing else, it inspires me to re-frame the behaviors I'm seeing in different terms, which makes things seem instantly more manageable. :) Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauranc Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 This was the first parenting book I read that actually made sense to me regarding my now 15 yr old-- I read it when he was about 5 or 6. The ideas put forth in the book truly changed how I saw him, and I realized that I wasn't alone. It has made all the difference in how I have parented him. ..Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 :grouphug: Yes. I have been trying to do as I've always done with my youngest two -- particularly Ben, but I have intuitively known for some time that what appears to be "disobedience" is not always so. "Punishing" his lack of self-control has not been working -- it makes it worse. I have figured out on my own that what works is calming him first when he is "freaking out" by either holding him, rocking him, talking softly to him, asking him "how can I help you?" etc. works. He is always very sorry for exploding after the fact, but now I am trying to help him through it instead of punish him through it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Just curious.....I'm quite sure that my 5 year old DD has OCD. Do you think this book would be appropriate to read regarding that? She is quite spirited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 I have this on my shelf, and it's on my list to start reading this month. Thank you for reminding me that I shouldn't shift it further down the list. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 Just curious.....I'm quite sure that my 5 year old DD has OCD. Do you think this book would be appropriate to read regarding that? She is quite spirited. Though I am not severe enough to seek counseling or need a formal diagnosis, I do believe I have some OCD tendencies. I saw myself in this book, especially regarding the rigidity the author described. I would think it would depend on how severe she is. I have a friend whose son has OCD, and she has had success going to a psychiatrist and learning what to do to help him instead of encourage his OCD. I think the book is good at getting us to recognize our limitations and helps us be able to inform others of our tendency, weakness, or whatever you want to call it. I only label it a weakness in that one of the revelations I've had in my parenting is that I am to bear with the weaknesses of my children, and their difficulty to express themselves in the best way is a weakness. The fact that Ben gets frustrated, irritable and overwhelmed easily is a weakness. It also makes him very sensitive to others. He's the first to see me about to lose it and say, "Mom -- it's okay. Why don't you go rest for a while." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 This book has been an outstanding resource for our family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin M Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Great book. I keep rereading it every year or so as son ages. He is very spirited and the book has been a great resource. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Alfred Academy Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 :iagree: After reading this book, I wasn't sure if I should breathe a sigh of relief or to bang my head against the wall. :glare: All four of us fit the definition of "spirited" in different ways...and some similar. It has been a real eye opener in not only interacting with my boys, but my husband too! It has also given me a lot of insight into myself as well. :willy_nilly: I can't recommend this book enough! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mktkcb Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Well, I first read this when my now 18.5 yr old was 2. It was THE best book. It was so reassuring to know that there were other children like this. I already knew how to discipline, but it was just very good encouragement, and very POSITIVE. My dd is still "spirited".....for me, spirited meaning just extra hyper, quirky, sensitive...whatever, but not quite "enough" to make you want to go get a diagnosis for something. It was the quality that made me homeschool her, as I honestly couldn't fathom foisting my crazy dd on a poor unsuspecting teacher LOL! For the record she is lovely and gracious now, drove me nuts till about age 13, then got into gear and became very responsible, ultra logical, and self motivated. I now know more about sensory processing disorder, and am more than convinced that many of their issues are spd. My 13yo son is very like his sister....only even more emotional and up and down. VERY challenging *every* *single* *day*. Sweet, loving, idealistic, good heart.....but incredibly impulsive, immature, and emotional, not to mention some mild physical things typical of spd as well. I'm SO glad I read this book lo those many years ago. I cried when I read it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mktkcb Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Your Ben sounds SO much like my Ben it's downright uncanny :o)! Only mine's 13. I also have "The Explosive Child" on my shelf. I gleaned some good info from it, but I wouldn't say I use that method to a T. ITA with you about having to be very discerning with kids like this to separate out what is truly willful disobedience from what is just sensory overload/impulsivity. Everything you said sounds just like my son, and how I parent :o). I think we're twins :o)! Hang in there. BTW, if you don't yet have the book Out of Sync Child, that is a great one to read as well. It pulled together a lot of "pieces" for me that had seemed unrelated to each other in my son as a whole. A good read. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grace'smom Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 I first read this book when my now 13 year old was 3 and it is the only parenting book that I own. I've read and re-read this numerous times to get a boost when I was getting frustrated -- reminds me I probably need to read it again, today I also like the sequel Kids, Parents and Power Struggles. :lurk5:There's a sequel? I'm so excited! I love that book and I can't wait to hear what else the author has to say on the subject! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grace'smom Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Just ordered Kids, Parents and Power Struggles on Amazon for 10 dollars. Totally shouldn't have spent the money, but I did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Thanks for the book rec. I'm going to read it and see if it might benefit my sister and her little one. It might offer some insight to me in dealing with my own son. Our library here has it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Closeacademy Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Great book! Without it I would not have survived the first two years of parenting. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2att Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 ITA. Both Raising Your Spirited Child and The Explosive Child were books I read when my middle one was 5 or so, and it was obvious that the traditional discipline that had worked for his sister was not working with him. These books helped me understand and appreciate him for who he is, as well as recognizing ways of helping him cope with his feelings. The latter book in particular was one that I gasped as I read because the children described in the book were so much like him--there is one part of the book where the kid says "You're fired" to the parents. My son used to "fire" us all of the time. We had no idea where he got it, but when I read that he wasn't the only one it made a little more sense. He's nine now, BTW. Still quirky, still working on things like being around and relating to those outside his family, but ever so much better than he was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 I found this book about 15 years ago when I taught preschool, and I still think it's wonderful. The author does lump lots of kids together under the Spirited umbrella, but I think that's ok since it's descriptive of behaviour, not trying to do a diagnosis on anyone. What I really liked was the emphasis on helping children become aware of their feelings and describe them as a way of dealing with them. I remember a friend of mine who would ask her child if he was feeling "revved up." That was a great descriptor! It sounds like the book really fits where you are, Nest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lulubelle Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 The Explosive Child has been ground breaking for us. What really helped was a seminar I went to here in my area that goes over the whole method and brought it out for me and my husband. A psychologist that works at, I think, Mass General Hospital has co-written a book with the EC author and has a clinic there just for these types of children. If you get a chance check out their web site: http://www.thinkkids.org. They have some great video clips of the technique that are good to watch and get refreshed about it. They have also just begun a forum for parents and educators. One of my kids is intense, impulsive and difficult!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 RYSC is the book that saved my relationship with dd11 (she was 4/5 at the time). It really helped me to see how to help dd through the tough times. It changed how I saw her behaviors and thus changed how I reacted to her behaviors. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paz Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 This was the best book I ever read for helping me to understand my dd. She is 17 now but I should probably read it again, just for fun. It really does get easier as they get older and understand more about themselves and their sensitivities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 This is a very good book! I read it about 13 years ago, and also heard the author speak in person at an LLL conference. The description doesn't fit my children, but what I really liked about it was that it finally explained the introvert/extravert issue in a way that affirmed that I do like to be around people even though I am an introvert, but that I get my energy from being alone. And her quiz showed that my oldest was 100% extraverted, which other tests have confirmed through the years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlgbug Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 LOVED this book 2 years ago. i think id like to read it again :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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