PinkTulip Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Is it just me, or is it the height of audacity for a houseguest to invite people over for a *house tour* without checking with the host first? This morning, my MIL announces she would like to see her sister, who is staying with her daughter an hour away, so she invited her to come today to spend the day and see our new house that we moved into 6 months ago. The thing is, just yesterday, we were in the daughter's area, not more than 10 minutes away, just kind of hanging out. She easily could have said, "let's stop by daughter's house and see sister." Instead, I have three options: 1) just suck it up and have sister come (which is what I will do), 2) drive MIL an hour each way to see sister, with four kids in tow who are not going to just sit quietly on the couch while they chat; or, 3) as MIL suggested in the alternative, have DH drive them there this morning, go to work, and then drive back this afternoon to pick them up. The problem with that is that we own our own business, and his time is literally our family's income. Four hours of his driving time is worth about $700 of our income, and that's not going to happen. A little background: for the first 13 years of our marriage, DH's parents came to stay with us every year for Christmas for seventeen days. My relationship with them suffered severely, so three years ago, they started staying with their daughter instead. They stayed with her for 3 years (one of which we were out of town), and she called this year and said she can't take it anymore and they have to come back to our house. So this year, we have split the time, and they are with us for this second week. My relationship is not improving! My chant this week: "It's important for my children to have a good relationship with their grandparents . . . " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in St Louis Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Eek. :grouphug: You are obviously a wise, cool/calm/collected kind of woman. My hat is off to you! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Is it just me, or is it the height of audacity for a houseguest to invite people over for a *house tour* without checking with the host first? Well, my mil would do this and it wouldn't bother me at all. But obviously our relationship is different than yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristenS Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I'd be flipping out. But then, I couldn't handle houseguests for seventeen days, either. I'm a private sort of person. I think it says a lot that your SIL has tried it for three years and then can't take it anymore... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I agree that she should have asked first but wouldn't you and your MIL dropping by the sister's dd's house be the same thing? I personally think you are a saint for having them in your house for 17 days. I've had my mom here for that long before and could not handle it. One week is all I can handle and then there are times that is too much. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I like your chant and have said it many time. :grouphug: Hang in there...you are a great person for doing this! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jann in TX Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 In my family my MIL's sister would be considered FAMILY! I still would have liked a say as to when other people would be invited into my home--but still... I must be strange because I know most of my 5th cousins! I know my MIL's sisters---and their kids (DH's cousins)--and I even know my DH's step-mother's sister (and her kids!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Is it just me, or is it the height of audacity for a houseguest to invite people over for a *house tour* without checking with the host first? This morning, my MIL announces she would like to see her sister, who is staying with her daughter an hour away, so she invited her to come today to spend the day and see our new house that we moved into 6 months ago. The thing is, just yesterday, we were in the daughter's area, not more than 10 minutes away, just kind of hanging out. She easily could have said, "let's stop by daughter's house and see sister." Instead, I have three options: 1) just suck it up and have sister come (which is what I will do), 2) drive MIL an hour each way to see sister, with four kids in tow who are not going to just sit quietly on the couch while they chat; or, 3) as MIL suggested in the alternative, have DH drive them there this morning, go to work, and then drive back this afternoon to pick them up. The problem with that is that we own our own business, and his time is literally our family's income. Four hours of his driving time is worth about $700 of our income, and that's not going to happen. A little background: for the first 13 years of our marriage, DH's parents came to stay with us every year for Christmas for seventeen days. My relationship with them suffered severely, so three years ago, they started staying with their daughter instead. They stayed with her for 3 years (one of which we were out of town), and she called this year and said she can't take it anymore and they have to come back to our house. So this year, we have split the time, and they are with us for this second week. My relationship is not improving! My chant this week: "It's important for my children to have a good relationship with their grandparents . . . " Honestly, I think you are overreacting a little bit. This is obnoxious, but probably small potatoes. It makes sense she wants to see her sister. Since your relationship is strained, having extra people in the mix will likely be a good thing as it dilutes the interactions between you and your inlaws. Also, I know how it is when time is $$ for your family business. Same story with my dh . . BUT, if your dh has unlimited earning time (more work than he can handle and can always just work more hours and earn more $$ -- would be nice, lol), then he can choose if he'd rather work an extra couple hours to pay for a *LIMO* service for your inlaws, or if he'd rather take the time to spend with his parents and go visit his aunt. Presumably, if your dh truly can work as much as he wishes at that pay rate, $$ isn't terribly tight at your home. ;) If, on the other hand, your dh's working hours are limited by either the type of work he does (only certain set hours, like my dh), or by the demand for his services, then I really think the argument that his time is $$ is lame and he should suck it up and drive his folks to his aunt's house. For instance, my BIL was coming for a short visit last week. For some insane reason, he scheduled it (w/ dh's knowledge) to conflict with about 1/3 of dh's work day. This BIL was plain nasty to me last time we really had contact a couple years ago. I panicked. I told dh that no-way was I going to host BIL and his gf w/o dh there. . . and so dh blocked out 1/3 of his work day so he could be home when BIL was due to be there - doing that we lose abt $800-1000 in business income in those hours (but still having all the same expenses, lol). We certainly couldn't "afford" that financially, but we couldn't "afford" not to do it emotionally. You just do what you have to do. . . Next time, dh will think more carefully when agreeing to his relatives stupid scheduling ideas. . . My inlaws drive me batty and I'd lose it if they stayed with us for more than a few hours, let alone a week or more. Thank goodness dh doesn't like them anymore than I do. However, presumably your dh wants them there, so unless they are truly nasty to your family, you have to suck it up and be nice. I wouldn't put $$ as a limiting factor in what you do for them unless it is TRULY a limiting factor. . . Otherwise, you just come across as petty. They raised your husband, paid for all kinds of stuff, and they are proud of his (your!) success. MIL wants to show off his house, his family, etc. Just be gracious. FWIW, if I were in your shoes, I'd have hired extra help this week. . . had a babysitter come or dh at home so I could go out (nearly) every day for a few hours by myself (or with one child if that's pleasurable) for a hair cut, massage, manicure, ME shopping trip, etc. Heck, even Walmart would be more fun than hanging with the inlaws all day. Had cleaning people come extra to clean up before, during, and after they are there. Ordered take-out or catered food for some meals. . . Made sure dh took time with the folks so *I* didn't have to. . . I would have just made room in the budget for those things, having dh work extra and/or cut back somewhere else to make room. They are his folks, so I'd have paid respects, been gracious, and hated every minute of it. . . I'd have hired and bought whatever help I needed to survive with my peace of mind intact and w/o resenting it. If it's not too late, you could consider your options. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I get that you are annoyed, but step back...your MIL wants to see sister, your dh's aunt in her son's home. I don't find that odd in the least. She is family. I get your relationship is strained, but there is nothing wrong with her wanting to do this. I get 17 days is a really long time. I get al that. But her sister? Your dh's aunt in your home? Doesn't sound odd at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted December 30, 2009 Author Share Posted December 30, 2009 Thank you for your replies and a reality check. Since posting that, I have been feeling guilty and thinking I am over-reacting a little. I think it's the timing of today, with no notice, and the fact that it could have been done so easily yesterday. Having said all of that: I guess it's just the history I have with these people that makes it difficult for me. They come to visit about every 6 weeks, for 5 days at a time, in addition to the annual Christmas visit. In all, they are here about 60+ days a year. Each time they come, I put my life on hold, stop everything I have planned (they usually give 1-2 days notice that they are coming), and end up hosting enormous family get-togethers every time. It's not unusual for me to have 27 people for Easter (not including my side of the family that lives here), spur-of-the-moment Tuesday night dinner for 18, etc. I am tired of being the family hostess, the facilitator of the reunions, etc. DH works a ton, so his life is not changed in the least when his parents visit. His relationship with his parents is an occasional call or email, but not super close. My in-laws visit us to see our children, and I get that. Also, StephanieZ, without getting into the personal identifying details of our business, money is tight at our house, and hiring the babysitters, cleaners, and caterers is not an option. It is the end of the year, and we have things that need to be done now, before Friday, or we will not be paid for them. If DH takes 4 hours off today, that money is lost to him forever. I wish it were differently, but that is our reality. I will just breathe a little deeper and start cleaning the Christmas mess that is still in the living room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnandtinagilbert Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I will just breathe a little deeper and start cleaning the Christmas mess that is still in the living room. woo saaaa wooo saaa keep chanting your chant! dig deeper. be bigger. God bless you for giving this great gift to your children. you'll be happy about it later! you are a better woman than I! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Buckin' Longhorn Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 They come to visit about every 6 weeks, for 5 days at a time, in addition to the annual Christmas visit. In all, they are here about 60+ days a year. Each time they come, I put my life on hold, stop everything I have planned (they usually give 1-2 days notice that they are coming), and end up hosting enormous family get-togethers every time. It's not unusual for me to have 27 people for Easter (not including my side of the family that lives here), spur-of-the-moment Tuesday night dinner for 18, etc. Wow! You are totally a saint for allowing all of this visiting. I don't love anyone enough to have them in my home that often. Your kiddos are truly fortunate to have such an accommodating Mom. She definitely should have checked with you before inviting someone else to your home, family or not, in my opinion. But I don't have the overly touchy-feely relationship with my family that a lot of people on this board seem to. I imagine that someone who doesn't feel uncomfortable being hosted in your home so often also wouldn't see a problem inviting others to your home without your consent. It all goes together to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rookie Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 First, Why is it important for your children to have a good relationship with their grandparents? I only ask because I do not think that that is a given. I think we sometimes back ourselved into obligations that limit our own choices. If they are good role models, and kind and loving grandparents who respect, honor, and support you and dh in your choices, lives and parenting then it is good for your children to have a replationship with them. If they are disrespectful, discourteous, undermining, unkind, etc., then it is NOT important that your children have a relationship with them. Second, B-O-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S. Why are they staying with you so often with so little notice? Why does that obligate you to host big family gatherings? No one can obligate you to use your home/time/life in a way that is not good for you. Your in-laws may only stay with you when you want and when it is good with you. If you require a month's notice (or any other time period), YOU get to pick. You are not obligated to host any event in your home. You are allowing all of this to happen to you. You can stop it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bev in B'ville Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 "Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days." I don't allow my MIL to stay longer than that because I like my sanity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I am totally amazed that you have someone staying at your house for 60 days a year. That is a full two months of your year. I can understand that is disruptive. Why do you need to see them so much? I would say two visits a year are plenty. However, it is your life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brigitte Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I wouldn't put my life on hold for people who came so often. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted December 30, 2009 Author Share Posted December 30, 2009 So let me ask you guys this (in all sincerity!): how do you have that conversation with your mil? I am the kind of person who usually tries to keep the peace, put others' first, and not be the source of contention. However, I have had a major epiphany in the last few months: I am an adult woman! I know it sounds stupid, but I have realized that it is time (way past time) for me to start making my own decisions, doing things on my own schedule, and doing things when and where it works for ME, rather than the way everyone else wants things done. On the one hand, it sounds incredibly selfish, but otherwise, I am basically the sweet and accomodating doormat. I don't want to be the doormat anymore, but I also don't want to cause a major family divide. So when MIL says she has already invited xyz family members to our house at 4:30 for a visit to see my kids (which will turn into dinner with our family), do I just say, "that won't work for our schedule (which is just sitting around spending time together)," or "I'm afraid we aren't available, but I would be happy to drop you off to meet them at a restaurant." Help me think of some good, neutral, relatively peace-keeping responses that make the point without being offensive. As far as the visits go, they only have 5 grandchildren, 4 of whom are my kids. I'm not going to be that person who denies them the opportunity to see their grandchildren; but I am going to have DH have a talk with them that as the kids get older, they are busier, and we would love to welcome them maybe 2-3 times a year rather than 6-8. NYR for 2010: Take better charge of my own life and time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I don't think your husband should allow someone to stay with you that often and then allow you to really put your life on hold for it. Either he needs to have a talk with his Mom about the demands of running a homeschool and the necessity of not having visitors during the school days, or he needs to insist that you carrying on more with life as usual when his mother is around. If he's not the type to take a stand then you will have to learn to stand up for yourself. You can say, "No" to these mega-hosting events. You really can. You say, "We have been so busy with homeschooling, and I am just not up to it this year." I have had my mother-in-law with us for two month stretches twice during our marriage, and I definitely had to get to where I could treat her as a family member and not as a "guest." I have to say that, perhaps I am a push-over, but it would not occur to me that my mother-in-law shouldn't invite her own sister over to her own son's home during the day. An overnight visit would be different, but I would feel like that is something you simply put up with. This is family. Unless there is some kind of bitter weirdness, I think you have to welcome your husband's aunt into your home for one day. But I do think that staying 60 days out of every year is overkill. I just couldn't handle it, and I would expect my DH to sort of advocate for me on that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Is she from a different culture? I think if it is one person (MIL's sister), I would allow it this time. But I would make it very clear that additional guests have to be cleared with me before being invited. I would say it in a very nice way- we need to make sure we have everything ready, enough food, no plans, etc. But I would not allow guests to be having any others over without advance notice. I don't let my own immediate family members do this so why would I allow guests, even if they are relatives, to do this? But dh and I are both more formal type people and while I don't mind hosting five kids weekly for their meeting and others on a more sporadic basis, I need to be asked and have it be my decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 So let me ask you guys this (in all sincerity!): how do you have that conversation with your mil? I am the kind of person who usually tries to keep the peace, put others' first, and not be the source of contention. However, I have had a major epiphany in the last few months: I am an adult woman! I know it sounds stupid, but I have realized that it is time (way past time) for me to start making my own decisions, doing things on my own schedule, and doing things when and where it works for ME, rather than the way everyone else wants things done. On the one hand, it sounds incredibly selfish, but otherwise, I am basically the sweet and accomodating doormat. I don't want to be the doormat anymore, but I also don't want to cause a major family divide. So when MIL says she has already invited xyz family members to our house at 4:30 for a visit to see my kids (which will turn into dinner with our family), do I just say, "that won't work for our schedule (which is just sitting around spending time together)," or "I'm afraid we aren't available, but I would be happy to drop you off to meet them at a restaurant." Help me think of some good, neutral, relatively peace-keeping responses that make the point without being offensive. As far as the visits go, they only have 5 grandchildren, 4 of whom are my kids. I'm not going to be that person who denies them the opportunity to see their grandchildren; but I am going to have DH have a talk with them that as the kids get older, they are busier, and we would love to welcome them maybe 2-3 times a year rather than 6-8. NYR for 2010: Take better charge of my own life and time! I would not have this conversation with my mother-in-law. I would have this conversation with my husband. My husband would have this conversation with his mother. You could try being passive agressive, simply say... "well, I guess that's alright. I won't be able to visit and the children have things to do, but if you want to entertain them, help yourself." Then, I would keep busy, keep the kids busy, and let them entertain themselves. That, of course, centers on you not wanting to see the visitors or caring if you hurt their feelings. That's why I would have to let dh handle it. I worry too much about being well-mannered and he simply does not care. Where the visits are concerned, I would end up living my life around them. A few "wasted" visits, where the kids are working, I'm working and there is little to no visiting, should cut back on excess visits. However, having dh just say no, would be kinder and gives less room for misunderstandings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rookie Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 You can't KEEP peace; you MAKE peace. Neville Chamberlain tried to keep the peace - and you know what we all think of him! Seriously, I hear the peace-keeper argument all of the time. It is a way of lying. You are lying about what you really want your life to be. You are lying about being OK having MIL there whenever she wants. You are lying to your DH about being OK with this for your home. ETC. You are keeping the peace at the expense of the truth. And you know the saying.....the TRUTH will set you free. There can not be peace where it is bought at the cost of truth. Be honest with yourself, first, about what YOU want for your home. Do you ever want them to come visit? You do not have to host them - it is your home. If you do, how often and for how long? It can be whatever you want it to be. While they are there, what activities would you truthfully be happy to do - None? OK then they have to entertain themselves.... do you see what I am saying. Next, you must be honest and direct (and loving) with your DH. Yes, they are his parents -- is he being truthful about wanting them there or does he not "get" your feelings because you bear the brunt of the visits? Tell him what really would work for you and work out something that is true to your nuclear family. Then DH has to inform his parents of the new order. He has to be strong and STATE when the visits WILL BE, and for how long, and what the transportation arrangements will be, etc. And not waver. Your MIL will test and push and maybe threaten. So be it. Not your problem. You are in charge of your home. You are an adult. You have a right to your privacy. You have to be truthful. If she chooses not to visit - OK. If she tries to add-on/alter you say, "That's not going to work for us" over and over again as many times as is necessary with absolutely NO explanations. She gets mad and stomps off - OK too. I love the scene in To Kill A Mockingbird where Atticus tells his son "suit yourself." It is so freeing. Feel free to use that one if your MIL has a fit. I know all of this from personal experience. 40 was a turning point for me. It was scary to say "no" and set boundaries and not please everybody. But I realized that in keeping the peace for everyone I was waging a war inside of myself and giving a false appearance to the world. Be free. Be a peace-maker. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I couldn't handle ANYONE, even beloved SpecialMama as a house guest for 60 days a year. I'd lose what's left of my mind. Dh needs to have a talk with his mother. Boundaries need to be set. And kept. My MIL once announced that she was bringing people to our home to meet Tazzie, who was a baby. Nuh uh. No way. Wolf had no flipping clue who these people even were! Apparently they were friends from MIL's first husband. :001_huh: Nope. She then pulled a stunt where she invited cousins to my home. I had no clue if it was for dinner, after dinner, etc, because MIL promptly went out visiting other family for a week, and we couldn't get a hold of her, and I didn't have the cousins phone #. MIL got in the afternoon of the visit. I was stuck in the position of having to cook for the cousins, who, sweet ppl they are, chow down heavily. So, I made a tonne of Chinese food. I was grey, trembling, wavering back and forth, and in so much pain by the time my MIL got there, I just about passed out. SHE BLAMED ME. "Of course I wouldn't invite someone for supper!" "Well, you invited someone to my home without permission, how was I supposed to know what your invitation included?" She's been told, by Wolf and myself, that it will not happen again. The next time that she invites ppl without permission, we will simply not be home. Period. My MIL needs to grasp that our home isn't hers. Not now, not ever. Perhaps something similar needs to be made clear to yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I think you are doing the right thing to make the best of a bad situation. But she is definitely in the wrong. Even if she knew that the other person would be welcome at you house, it is only common courtesy to ask you before issuing the invitation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thea Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Yes, that is rude. Once when my mother was watching my dc so that dh and I could go away for a weekend for our anniversary she invited a friend over to my house, fed her with my money meant to feed her and the dc, gave said friend the leftovers AND gave her a tour of MY house, including my bedroom. Yes, very rude indeed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 my mother and sister invited extra house guests this year to our home. They were match making and couldn't figure out another way to get the prospective couple (widow & widower) together. :glare: It took a bit to figure out what was up. I thought the guy might be my sis's new beau, not so. But I guess he was thinking he was coming to meet sis's family so he must have been interested in my sis (divorced). YIKES! I didn't say anything and fortunately it didn't work out for him to be here. But we still hosted the widow and her 2 young boys which my sons loved. It was a bit odd having house guests that I didn't personally know or invite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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