Donation in lieu of gift etiquette question.

[dangermom]

I don't care about getting a gift. I only get one or two at Christmas (from parents and husband); we got rid of presents for adults years ago in our families, and it's very nice. For all my little nieces and nephews I generally sew something cute than costs $5 or less each (this year it's cute pillowcases). So it's not like I'm expecting big gifts or money spent. You don't have to give me a gift at all, and if you'd rather give to charity, great! Do that. But I'm not going to see your charity donation as a gift to me, unless that's what I asked for or you know that's what I want.

 

Sputterduck, I'm sorry you're upset and I'm sure people will be happy with your ideas, since you obviously put a lot of thought into them. To me $20 per gift is a pretty large budget, and if you can't afford it then bake them cookies or something. There's no need to buy everyone a big present.

[Happy]

Seems like an excuse not to give a gift in the first place -- I mean, really? It is like tithing -- should be done automatically. Giving over the tithe is optional and should not be used for glory or opting out of a gift to a relative. Heavens. Let the giver donate their $$$ -- but for pity's sake, why announce to the relative we gave your gift to someone else? Truly tacky. :glare:

 

Isn't there an example in the New Testament of this kind of thing? Corban (Corbin?) is what I'm thinking of. An adult child might dedicate a portion of his income to the temple...then if someone (like his parents) asked for help, the adult child could shrug their shoulders and say I gave to the temple instead.

 

The point of the story was that we should be helping those around us...

 

I'm headed to bed, but I'll look this up in the morning.

 

It still seems to me that the folks in the OP are doing the donation more for their own benefit or jollies than that of the receiver...and that goes against everything I believe about giving GIFTS to others. If it doesn't make them smile, I've blown it.

[Cammie]

I think you should definitely stick with your plans. I think it sounds lovely. Your heart is what matters. I have never heard of being offended by someone donating in your name. If someone told me they were donating to a charity in my name, I would be honored. I am so blessed, and I would love for someone to bless others in my name. Very thoughtful. I totally agree with Tara!

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I never, ever heard of ANYONE being offended by a donation being given in their name until I read this thread! My family has often given gifts of animals to poor farmers, donations to Habitat for Humantiy, etc, etc as gifts in liue of giving a $20 gift card to Target. You have put a lot of thought into selecting something that means something to the person you are honoring. That is what is important. You should stick with your plans.!

[Haiku]

 

It still seems to me that the folks in the OP are doing the donation more for their own benefit or jollies than that of the receiver

 

I think Christmas would be a lot better if there was less "Thanks for thinking of me" and more "Thanks for thinking of others."

 

Tara

[Mommyof4ks]

:iagree:I would love it to be something I really cared about, otherwise I think it is just a regular donation that the giver is making.

 

I am sure a hunter would not like to receive a donation to Defenders for Wildlife. Or perhaps someone who cant stand Peta, receives a gift from them. Point is , there are many charities that people do not agree w/ and do not want any monies going to.

 

Exactly, I think it is strange that someone would give funds in someone's name when the recipient may not agree with the charity.

 

I don't think you are obligated to give money to a charity in their name nor are you obligated to give them a gift. They did not give you child a gift, they gave it to someone else. I am all in favor of donating to charity, and I have asked for donation to be given to Curesearch instead of gifts for several years, but to give that for a child who probably wants a toy or something to unwrap seems odd to me. Just my .02

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think Christmas would be a lot better if there was less "Thanks for thinking of me" and more "Thanks for thinking of others."

 

Tara

 

I think a lot of us do think of others. We give to friends, neighbors, extended and nuclear family. We volunteer in different places. We give to charities of our own choice. I would applaud you if you did the same. But it seems weird to me for you do any of that and then tell me that you were doing it "for me". And I don't think it is kind to imply that I (or anyone else) am selfish for having this opinion.

[Janet in WA]

Can you really make a donation in someone else's name, as in a tax-deductible receipt for 1040 will be generated if need be thing?

The donation is tax-deductible for the party who made the donation, but not for the party in whose name the donation was made. If the organization issues something in writing to the party in whose name the donation was made, it is worded so that it can't be used as documentation for a tax deduction.

 

As for the Charleton Heston thing, that's also a yes.

[CAMom]

It makes sense, but I guess the way I see it is that it's meaningful to me when anyone is helped, whether it's my pet project or charity or not. My kids were adopted from overseas. Proximity of the charity to my location isn't a big deal to me, because I have had countless (and I do mean countless) people ask me, "Why didn't you adopt an American child? Plenty of them need help." My answer is generally that where a child was born doesn't matter to me. I extend that to charity in all aspects.

 

 

 

I'm just curious, though, Tara...would you be happy if someone made a donation in your name to a charity with which you strongly disagree and would never dream of making a donation to of your own free will?

 

Sputterduck-What a thoughtful idea and such beautiful sentiments behind it. :grouphug:

[Haiku]

I'm just curious, though, Tara...would you be happy if someone made a donation in your name to a charity with which you strongly disagree and would never dream of making a donation to of your own free will?

 

 

I've thought about that. For example, we are vegan; we don't eat animals. We have been given gift donations to Heifer International, which is a very popular charity that promotes the use and consumption of animals.

 

I'm grateful that someone chose to honor me, even if it's not a charity I would choose myself, and I'm happy that someone chose to give to charity rather than buy crap. That they didn't hit the nail on the head with the choice of charity is not to the point, at least not to me.

 

I think a lot of us do think of others. We give to friends, neighbors, extended and nuclear family. We volunteer in different places. We give to charities of our own choice. I would applaud you if you did the same. But it seems weird to me for you do any of that and then tell me that you were doing it "for me". And I don't think it is kind to imply that I (or anyone else) am selfish for having this opinion.

 

This is what I don't understand. If everyone seems to think that giving to charity is a great idea, but they are offended by someone giving to charity in lieu of a gift ... it doesn't make sense to me. Honestly, it makes all the "Jesus is the reason ..." noise I hear this time of year ring somewhat hollow.

 

Tara

[ThatCyndiGirl]

But, a gift is not about giving to someone ELSE (charity, etc.), it is about giving to that person. If you are giving a gift to a charity then it is a gift to that charity or their recipients, not a gift to your aunt or sister. make sense?

 

 

The fact that I like to give actual gifts to my loved ones does not mean that I am a bad person or am anti-charity, it just means that those two actions are,....to me....separate.

 

It just doesn't seem like a gift to my husband to say, "I bought someone else a goat as my gift to you". :001_huh:

 

 

How about "I bought someone a goat....and here is your gift" or some such?

 

Doesn't have to be either/or.

 

I WORK FOR A CHARITY, for goodness sake. I'm not anti-charity.

[Word Nerd]

Bah humbug! What a depressing thread.

Edited December 14, 2009 by WordGirl

[Haiku]

 

 

The fact that I like to give actual gifts to my loved ones does not mean that I am a bad person or am anti-charity,

 

Of course it doesn't. I'm not talking about the giver. I'm talking about the attitude of the receiver. But I am clearly in the minority in viewing it as a blessing to have others blessed in my name, as Nakia so eloquently put it.

 

Tara

[angela in ohio]

I am sure a hunter would not like to receive a donation to Defenders for Wildlife. Or perhaps someone who cant stand Peta, receives a gift from them. Point is , there are many charities that people do not agree w/ and do not want any monies going to.

 

Off topic, but most wildlife organizations are funded largely be hunters and/or fees to hunt. People who hunt have the most at stake in seeing wildlife populations well cared for.

[Parrothead]

Thank you. This thread made me cry.

 

I have limited funds but I want to do something regarding the people I am going to spend Christmas with. My aunt, uncle, and their 3 kids, two of whom are in college and a little girl in elementary school, are really hard to buy for. They are extremely well off. They can buy anything they want when they want it. My grandma is very old, and doesn't really do anything anymore. I can't even get her something cooking related as the family has hired someone to do all her cooking for her. My parents are hard to buy for as well. I am a single mother college student. Nothing I can buy will be meaningful for any of these people.

 

However, someone linked a charity on here where you can get animals and all sorts of other cool things for a family in need in third world countries. I thought it was great!

 

For my aunt and uncle, who are deeply religious, I was going to give a Bible to a family who can't afford it as well as seeds for a family to grow to feed them and their children. My uncle grew up around agriculture and I thought that the seeds for a family to eat for the year would mean something to him.

 

For my grandma, who lived her life growing fruit and tending fruit trees, I was going to donate 5 fruit trees to a family.

 

For my mother and father who survived a flood that ruined their house, I was going to get flood relief for a family.

 

For my two cousins in college, I was going to give them each 25 dollar Kiva certificates, where they can invest in third world entrepreneurs, who will pay the loan back, at which point my cousins can reinvest in another person, and so on.

 

For my little girl cousin, I was going to donate a chicken and two ducks, so a family can have eggs for years to come. I thought she would love the idea since it incorporates cute animals.

 

 

I'm thinking of calling the whole thing off. Maybe I shouldn't get anything for anyone. All I can afford for these people is a stupid 20 dollar gift for each that won't mean anything to them or their life. They all have everything they want.

I think those are wonderful ideas.

[Word Nerd]

What do you think of charities that encourage this practice (World Vision, Food for the Poor, Samaritan's Purse, Heifer Int'l) by making "gift" catalogs available? And how are y'all defining "in lieu of?"

Edited December 14, 2009 by WordGirl

[Haiku]

I'll try to make this the last thing I say about this because I am sure everyone is tired of hearing from me by now.

 

People keep saying, "It's not a gift. It's not a gift." All I can say to that is that it is if you choose to see it as one. I would get far more pleasure from someone in need benefiting through a donation to charity than I would from a sweater or a cd or something. I choose to see the feeling of pleasure and the opportunity to sacrifice (even if the sacrifice is so minimal as giving up a cd) for others as a gift. A gift need not be an object given to me.

 

Tara

[Murphy101]

Dh made the astute observation that use of the term "in leiu of" implies "instead of" - thus there is no gift being offerred.

 

Which is fine. A gift is not required.

 

I just don't understand this concept of giving to others and sending a card to people saying you did it.

 

I can't think how that is ever appropriate to do and have no idea how this became socially acceptable.

[Haiku]

Advent Conspiracy

[Haiku]

have no idea how this became socially acceptable.

 

Well according to this thread, it's not. ;)

 

Tara

[*********]

Advent Conspiracy

 

My cousin just sent me a link to that website the other day!

[Word Nerd]

I'll try to make this the last thing I say about this because I am sure everyone is tired of hearing from me by now.

 

People keep saying, "It's not a gift. It's not a gift." All I can say to that is that it is if you choose to see it as one. I would get far more pleasure from someone in need benefiting through a donation to charity than I would from a sweater or a cd or something. I choose to see the feeling of pleasure and the opportunity to sacrifice (even if the sacrifice is so minimal as giving up a cd) for others as a gift. A gift need not be an object given to me.

 

Tara

I agree, and I've also found these gifts more personally meaningful than "real" gifts. It's all a matter of perception.

[Jean in Newcastle]

This is what I don't understand. If everyone seems to think that giving to charity is a great idea, but they are offended by someone giving to charity in lieu of a gift ... it doesn't make sense to me. Honestly, it makes all the "Jesus is the reason ..." noise I hear this time of year ring somewhat hollow.

 

Tara

 

But that's the thing - it is "in lieu of" a gift. And as a PP pointed out, that means instead of. I wouldn't be offended at all if someone was honest and told me, "This year, in lieu of gifts, I am giving to a charity." I would say, "Fine. That is a good priority to have and a good allocation of your resources." But if that same person said, "I'm giving 'your' gift to xyz charity." I would be :confused:

 

To me it isn't just semantics. It is about honesty. If you want to give me a gift. Fine. I will accept it graciously although I don't demand it or even expect it. But if you don't want to give me a gift, then don't. If you want to give to charity instead, please do. But please don't insult me by telling me that by doing so that you are gifting me.

 

And I do get that there is a very genuine "return" to doing good for others. When I give to charity or volunteer to help someone or an organization, I get a good feeling too. But perhaps I'm weird in that I don't particularly care to get that feeling vicariously. I'd rather do my own good deeds.

[Crissy]

Well, I guess once again I am just at odds with the prevailing culture. I'm surprised by the level of entitlement or whatever coming through in this thread ... "I should get a gift that *I* want." I expect no gifts from anyone and would FAR rather that someone spend their money on charity than buy me crap. I think that the fact that someone chose to honor you (me, whomever) in their charitable giving is extremely meaningful. I'd willingly sacrifice stuff so that those less fortunate might benefit, and I consider it quite a gift that someone would give me that opportunity.

 

Tara

 

I agree, Tara. I am often surprised at the threads about the people's views on gifts and giving on this board.

I would much prefer my sisters and in-laws give to charity instead of giving stuff to my family and me if that would make this season more meaningful for them. It would certainly make it more meaningful to me.

 

It still seems to me that the folks in the OP are doing the donation more for their own benefit or jollies than that of the receiver

 

We really don't know that. The OP hasn't stated whether she asked why those two particular charities were chosen or whether she and the person making the donations have had a conversation about the intent behind the donations.

[Nakia]

I'll try to make this the last thing I say about this because I am sure everyone is tired of hearing from me by now.

 

People keep saying, "It's not a gift. It's not a gift." All I can say to that is that it is if you choose to see it as one. I would get far more pleasure from someone in need benefiting through a donation to charity than I would from a sweater or a cd or something. I choose to see the feeling of pleasure and the opportunity to sacrifice (even if the sacrifice is so minimal as giving up a cd) for others as a gift. A gift need not be an object given to me.

 

Tara

 

:iagree:

 

Maybe I'm just totally confused, or slow, or just plain dumb. I just do not understand how this can upset people. If someone sent me a card that said "I have donated to charity xyz in your family's name this year" I would be soooo honored. What a wonderful way to celebrate the true meaning of the season. My kids need nothing. I would be blessed by someone giving to the less fortunate in our name. I wouldn't take it as them showing off either.

[jojomojo]

I didn't read all the responses (not even close), but I read enough to be shocked so many people turn their nose up at the idea of someone giving to charity in their name. :confused: I won't say much more than that, I'm just really surprised. I would love for someone to do that for me.

 

With the kids...that's a different story, sort of. I would love for someone to do that with the kids, but if its not something they can relate to (or if there isn't a little something extra for them), its not really a gift for them. I don't expect children to fully appreciate the concept.

 

ETA - Just wanted to add, I do agree that any gift given should be something they care for, or at least neutral. If it is done for an organization the receiver is known to not support, its not a gift at all. That's just passive-aggressive.

Edited December 14, 2009 by jojomojo

[Word Nerd]

 

To me it isn't just semantics. It is about honesty. If you want to give me a gift. Fine. I will accept it graciously although I don't demand it or even expect it. But if you don't want to give me a gift, then don't. If you want to give to charity instead, please do. But please don't insult me by telling me that by doing so that you are gifting me.

 

You are presuming to know the motives of the person giving the gift. I assure you that it is possible to make a donation in someone's name and earnestly, honestly intend it as a gift, though admittedly an alternative to the traditional form of gift giving. Until I read this thread, I had no idea that others saw this differently.

[CAMom]

I've thought about that. For example, we are vegan; we don't eat animals. We have been given gift donations to Heifer International, which is a very popular charity that promotes the use and consumption of animals.

 

I'm grateful that someone chose to honor me, even if it's not a charity I would choose myself, and I'm happy that someone chose to give to charity rather than buy crap. That they didn't hit the nail on the head with the choice of charity is not to the point, at least not to me.

 

 

 

Wow. I'm impressed by your spirit.:grouphug:

 

I have no problem with people donating to charity instead of giving me a gift. But, I wouldn't think it very honoring to *me* if someone donated in my name to a charity they are well aware that I would oppose.:confused:

[Jean in Newcastle]

You are presuming to know the motives of the person giving the gift. I assure you that it is possible to make a donation in someone's name and earnestly, honestly intend it as a gift, though admittedly an alternative to the traditional form of gift giving. Until I read this thread, I had no idea that others saw this differently.

 

Oh, I know that you can honestly intend it as a gift! But honestly I would not receive it as a gift. I would give you a thank you card. And I would smile and say nothing negative towards you at all. And I wouldn't feel bad because I don't particularly care if I get gifts from people (with the exception of dh). But I wouldn't feel gifted.

 

I am sharing on this thread my authentic personal feelings about this. Things that are not socially acceptable to admit. And you would have to torture me before I admitted them to anyone IRL. But the question was asked how we would feel about receiving such a thing. And I am a bit relieved to find out that I'm not the only one to feel as I do.

 

(And in my defense, please read all the comments that I've made regarding giving to charity and others. We're pro charity! We're not all bad!)

[Word Nerd]

Wow. I'm impressed by your spirit.:grouphug:

 

I have no problem with people donating to charity instead of giving me a gift. But, I wouldn't think it very honoring to *me* if someone donated in my name to a charity they are well aware that I would oppose.:confused:

 

Is that the norm, though? If someone knows you oppose a charity and makes a donation to it in your name, I see that as an intentional slight or insult, no different from giving someone a tangible gift that they know you would be offended by.

[Haiku]

But, I wouldn't think it very honoring to *me* if someone donated in my name to a charity they are well aware that I would oppose.:confused:

 

I think the people who have done this have thought that, since our children were adopted from areas where Heifer International works and they know that hunger is an important issue to us, HI is a good charity. Many people don't really understand what being vegan really means.

 

Tara

[dangermom]

But that's the thing - it is "in lieu of" a gift. And as a PP pointed out, that means instead of. I wouldn't be offended at all if someone was honest and told me, "This year, in lieu of gifts, I am giving to a charity." I would say, "Fine. That is a good priority to have and a good allocation of your resources." But if that same person said, "I'm giving 'your' gift to xyz charity." I would be :confused:

 

To me it isn't just semantics. It is about honesty. If you want to give me a gift. Fine. I will accept it graciously although I don't demand it or even expect it. But if you don't want to give me a gift, then don't. If you want to give to charity instead, please do. But please don't insult me by telling me that by doing so that you are gifting me.

 

And I do get that there is a very genuine "return" to doing good for others. When I give to charity or volunteer to help someone or an organization, I get a good feeling too. But perhaps I'm weird in that I don't particularly care to get that feeling vicariously. I'd rather do my own good deeds.

 

This is exactly what I have been trying to say. :iagree:

 

Perhaps those folks who get a lot of apparently meaningless gifts from every distant relative and acquaintance are more likely to feel that presents are just more junk they don't want, and like the idea of less junk and more helping others in need. To me, the solution to that problem is to get rid of the excessive gift-giving. We did that years ago in our family, and everyone is happy. So, at Christmas, I get two presents and I don't spend all that much.

 

Now, I can take all that money I don't spend on my many SILs and give it to charity if I like. They can do the same with their money. And we're all happy. But telling them "I gave to charity! It's a present for you! Aren't I a great person? You are shallow for not giving to charity!" strikes me as unnecessary tangling of two different things.

 

And, editing:

Oh, I know that you can honestly intend it as a gift! But honestly I would not receive it as a gift. I would give you a thank you card. And I would smile and say nothing negative towards you at all. And I wouldn't feel bad because I don't particularly care if I get gifts from people (with the exception of dh). But I wouldn't feel gifted.

This too. I would never say a word. Edited December 14, 2009 by dangermom

[Crissy]

"I gave to charity! It's a present for you! Aren't I a great person? You are shallow for not giving to charity!"

 

I'm curious why you would think that a person making a donation in your name is being as selfish and judgemental as the statement above indicates.

[Michelle T]

Giving to charity is required, not an optional thing, at least in my religion. I send checks to various charities monthly. I do often send these checks in memory of a family member who has died, but I do this for my own gratification, there is no notification going to anyone else.

 

Gift giving is totally separate from charity, IMHO. While I think it would be lovely to have a donation to a cause I believe in sent in my name, it would in no way relieve me of my duty to do my own donating. It wouldn't be a gift to me, but really a reflection on the person who did the donating.

 

And if a donation was sent to a cause that I feel is wrong or misguided, it would be a hurt, not a gift.

 

It is absolutely fine to just not give gifts. It is absolutely fine to donate to a charity that a person has asked for, or is something they strongly support. It is however, giving merit to the giver, not the receiver. IMHO, that is not a "gift" in the sense the word "gift" is normally used.

Michelle T

[angela in ohio]

But that's the thing - it is "in lieu of" a gift. And as a PP pointed out, that means instead of. I wouldn't be offended at all if someone was honest and told me, "This year, in lieu of gifts, I am giving to a charity." I would say, "Fine. That is a good priority to have and a good allocation of your resources." But if that same person said, "I'm giving 'your' gift to xyz charity." I would be :confused:

 

To me it isn't just semantics. It is about honesty. If you want to give me a gift. Fine. I will accept it graciously although I don't demand it or even expect it. But if you don't want to give me a gift, then don't. If you want to give to charity instead, please do. But please don't insult me by telling me that by doing so that you are gifting me.

 

And I do get that there is a very genuine "return" to doing good for others. When I give to charity or volunteer to help someone or an organization, I get a good feeling too. But perhaps I'm weird in that I don't particularly care to get that feeling vicariously. I'd rather do my own good deeds.

 

This perfectly sums it up. It is about honesty to me, as well. If you want to support a charity, do so.If you aren'tgoing to buy a gift for someone, just don't.

 

I think some of this comes with an expectation of gifts. No gift should ever be expected. (That's why I loathe people giving request lists for specific presents.) There should never be an expectation of gifts to begin with, and then someone could choose to give to charity instead, and it wouldn't matter.

 

But I'm old-fashioned in these things, and I find much tacky that others think is fine. I don't think sisters or mothers should throw baby or bridal showers, I don't think gift receipts are necessary, I find gift registries icky, etc., etc.

 

But because I value manners highly, I would never bat an eye if given a gift of a donation to charity. I would smile sweetly and thank the giver. I think most in this thread who decry this type of gift would do the same.

Edited December 14, 2009 by angela in ohio

[angela in ohio]

Perhaps those folks who get a lot of apparently meaningless gifts from every distant relative and acquaintance are more likely to feel that presents are just more junk they don't want, and like the idea of less junk and more helping others in need. To me, the solution to that problem is to get rid of the excessive gift-giving.

 

Exactly. We give gifts to our nieces and nephews, parents, and one bachelor brother. They are given out of desire, not out of duty. Much time and energy is spent finding something that will be meaningful and/or useful to them, because they are worth that to us.

[kdeno]

I am blown away by this thread. I never could have imagined someone being offended by someone making a donation in lieu of a gift. Also, someone hates the Diabetes Association (!?).....I need to get off this thread.

 

Anyway, it is good to know how different people feel about things because I would never want to hurt someone or make them feel slighted.

 

Kari

[Word Nerd]

But again, why presume that the gift giver is behaving in a dishonest manner or lacks integrity because they dare to consider and call a donation made in someone else's name a gift?

[myfunnybunch]

I'm curious why you would think that a person making a donation in your name is being as selfish and judgemental as the statement above indicates.

 

Ouch, yes. I agree. That was my first and honest reaction too.

 

I get that it's just not an appreciated gift for some people, that sharing this perspective is an honest reaction (which I appreciate because it offers a different perspective). But to read judgement and superiority into the donation is unwarranted unless you are certain that's how it was really meant. Why not give the giver the benefit of the doubt? Believe that they genuinely wanted to do something in the spirit of the season and thought you would be pleased by it. Just as if they inadvertently chose a bath product you don't use or a sweater you would never wear.

 

And....oh my...I donated to Heifer International for my sister because I know that she appreciates donations to charities. She's vegetarian. It just didn't even occur to me that would be offensive. Eek. Oops. Glad I donated to the Community Garden the next year. (Which she loved, by the way, and became involved with as a volunteer as a result.)

 

Cat

[LMA]

This perfectly sums it up. It is about honesty to me, as well. If you want to support a charity, do so.If you aren'tgoing to buy a gift for someone, just don't.

 

I think some of this comes with an expectation of gifts. No gift should ever be expected. (That's why I loathe people giving request lists for specific presents.) There should never be an expectation of gifts to begin with, and then someone could choose to give to charity instead, and it wouldn't matter.

 

But I'm old-fashioned in these things, and I find much tacky that others think is fine. I don't think sisters or mothers should throw baby or bridal showers, I don't think gift receipts are necessary, I find gift registries icky, etc., etc.

 

But because I value manners highly, I would never bat an eye if given a gift of a donation to charity. I would smile sweetly and thank the giver. I think most in this thread who decry this type of gift would do the same.

 

:iagree:

And I also believe you should just thank someone who gave you something regardless of whether or not you care for the gift or whether or not you are embarrassed by the gift giving. I'm tired of people who tell me after I give them something that "You shouldn't have. Now I have to get you something." Please just say "thank you" or write a thank you note and do what you want with the gift without telling the giver about it.

 

Yes, sometimes gift giving is obligatory, such as you should bring a gift when attending a wedding or shower or even to family members at Christmas time. But even then I try to think of something to fit the recipient And, yes, we will always get gifts that we don't want in our lifetime and we will not always give the perfect gift. That's just life. Just be polite.

[cin]

I like the getting your goat one, but I still wonder who would dare to send their friend or family member a card stating "In thinking of you, I have purchased a toilet." :D

 

 

It really depends on the family. I could have sent that to my dear friend, or to my father-in-law. But there are family members that would have been sooo offended..

[cin]

I'm curious why you would think that a person making a donation in your name is being as selfish and judgemental as the statement above indicates.

 

 

that's interesting. I think of it more as....I had no clue what to get you, so I gave to XYZ Charity in your name. Thank you for the tax deduction. :D My only issue with that is that, as previously stated, I would want it to be a charity of which I have an interest. Do NOT give in My name to PETA, Planned Parenthood, or ACORN. :tongue_smilie:

[Coleroo]

This perfectly sums it up. It is about honesty to me, as well. If you want to support a charity, do so.If you aren'tgoing to buy a gift for someone, just don't.

 

I think some of this comes with an expectation of gifts. No gift should ever be expected. (That's why I loathe people giving request lists for specific presents.) There should never be an expectation of gifts to begin with, and then someone could choose to give to charity instead, and it wouldn't matter.

 

But I'm old-fashioned in these things, and I find much tacky that others think is fine. I don't think sisters or mothers should throw baby or bridal showers, I don't think gift receipts are necessary, I find gift registries icky, etc., etc.

 

But because I value manners highly, I would never bat an eye if given a gift of a donation to charity. I would smile sweetly and thank the giver. I think most in this thread who decry this type of gift would do the same.

 

:iagree: This sounds just like me.

 

Someone mentioned being disturbed at the responses and amount of entitlement shown on here.

 

I think one thing wrong with this thread too is that the personal feelings on ONE issue (the semantics of GIFT and what it encompasses) has been overlaid on many OTHER issues and caused others to judge what those people also feel about Charity giving and gifts receiving in general.

 

I don't think anyone on here dislikes charitable giving and I'm sure (especially since homeschoolers tend to be more socially conscious in the first place) that the majority on here donate to charity often themselves. But the question was about our personal feelings on receiving a random in-lieu-of charity christmas "gift".

 

I dislike the modern PC idea of "gifting" someone an unasked-for charitable contribution - and trying to take credit for it as a "great gift" (and thus expecting a thank you in return). I am not against charitable giving, and I am in no way expect gifts of any kind. I even tell people (if ASKED) that I prefer a.) just their company and friendship, or b.) consumable gifts rather than clutter. I'm not "entitled" to anything in life. I personally would prefer NOT to receive more clutter in my home. However, to me, a "gift" is about strengthening relationships on a personal level with each other (ESPECIALLY with children who are concrete thinkers!) - therefore the gift given to the person must be meaningful TO THE RECEIVER. Any gift that is given should be meaningful (which is why I tend to love homemade gifts THE best, even if it's just a framed poem of memories we shared.)

 

The poster who discussed charitable gifting of farm / chickens, etc, for her niece because she KNOWS her niece would like this - that's a great idea. THAT would be something I would appreciate if the niece were my daughter because there was time and thought put into it - and it took notice of what the little girl likes....so it strengthens the aunt / niece relationship on a personal level. The poster who spoke of charitable Bible gifting because the family is Christian - and explained the reasons. THAT's a great gift too because her family would truly appreciate that. It's thoughtful to the "receiver".

 

A random gifting to XYZ random whatever charity is not.

 

Charitable deeds are done to a.) help others, b.) give the contributor a good feeling. But they are not "gifts" if they are not asked for or discussed in advance. If they want to gift a charity, fine. But don't try to "take credit" for that good deed by sending me a random card saying it's a "gift" FOR my family. I would think you didn't care about our relationship if this was done suddenly out of the blue at Christmas. Sure, I would smile and say "That's wonderful!." and feel thankful that someone unfortunate was helped. I probably would only offer verbal thanks, but wouldn't feel the expectation to send a card. People who give to charities should NOT expect thanks, imho. The next day I probably wouldn't even think about the situation anymore one way or another.

 

My husband doesn't know I feel this way. My father & mother don't even know I feel this way. I would never tell anyone in real life that I feel this way. I'd wager that a lot of posters on this thread have never even discussed this in real life either.

[Rosy]

I would not feel comfortable donating to my favorite charities in someone else's name--to me that would be disingenuous. If I were going to give a charitable gift, it would be a charity that is meaningful to the recipient.

 

Has anyone seen the episode of The Simpsons where Homer gives Marge a bowling ball with his own name engraved on it, and then promptly takes it and goes bowling with it? That's what this makes me think of. If I am giving a gift to my favorite charity, I am giving myself a gift. If I am doing it in someone else's name, it is still a gift for me. I am the one that gets the good feeling, the satisfaction of knowing that I have helped someone in a way that is meaningful for me.

 

Sputterduck--I think what you're doing sounds wonderful, because you are giving with the recipient in mind.

 

I would not necessarily judge the motives of someone who gave to charity in my name...but it would be more meaningful if they gave to a charity that I care about (or at least, that they thought I cared about).

[TN Mama]

I didn't read all the responses (not even close), but I read enough to be shocked so many people turn their nose up at the idea of someone giving to charity in their name. :confused: I won't say much more than that, I'm just really surprised. I would love for someone to do that for me.

 

With the kids...that's a different story, sort of. I would love for someone to do that with the kids, but if its not something they can relate to (or if there isn't a little something extra for them), its not really a gift for them. I don't expect children to fully appreciate the concept.

 

ETA - Just wanted to add, I do agree that any gift given should be something they care for, or at least neutral. If it is done for an organization the receiver is known to not support, its not a gift at all. That's just passive-aggressive.

 

 

The above bolded part is exactly what I think many are missing.

[TN Mama]

:iagree: This sounds just like me.

 

Someone mentioned being disturbed at the responses and amount of entitlement shown on here.

 

I think one thing wrong with this thread too is that the personal feelings on ONE issue (the semantics of GIFT and what it encompasses) has been overlaid on many OTHER issues and caused others to judge what those people also feel about Charity giving and gifts receiving in general.

 

I don't think anyone on here dislikes charitable giving and I'm sure (especially since homeschoolers tend to be more socially conscious in the first place) that the majority on here donate to charity often themselves. But the question was about our personal feelings on receiving a random in-lieu-of charity christmas "gift".

 

I dislike the modern PC idea of "gifting" someone an unasked-for charitable contribution - and trying to take credit for it as a "great gift" (and thus expecting a thank you in return). I am not against charitable giving, and I am in no way expect gifts of any kind. I even tell people (if ASKED) that I prefer a.) just their company and friendship, or b.) consumable gifts rather than clutter. I'm not "entitled" to anything in life. I personally would prefer NOT to receive more clutter in my home. However, to me, a "gift" is about strengthening relationships on a personal level with each other (ESPECIALLY with children who are concrete thinkers!) - therefore the gift given to the person must be meaningful TO THE RECEIVER. Any gift that is given should be meaningful (which is why I tend to love homemade gifts THE best, even if it's just a framed poem of memories we shared.)

 

The poster who discussed charitable gifting of farm / chickens, etc, for her niece because she KNOWS her niece would like this - that's a great idea. THAT would be something I would appreciate if the niece were my daughter because there was time and thought put into it - and it took notice of what the little girl likes....so it strengthens the aunt / niece relationship on a personal level. The poster who spoke of charitable Bible gifting because the family is Christian - and explained the reasons. THAT's a great gift too because her family would truly appreciate that. It's thoughtful to the "receiver".

 

A random gifting to XYZ random whatever charity is not.

 

Charitable deeds are done to a.) help others, b.) give the contributor a good feeling. But they are not "gifts" if they are not asked for or discussed in advance. If they want to gift a charity, fine. But don't try to "take credit" for that good deed by sending me a random card saying it's a "gift" FOR my family. I would think you didn't care about our relationship if this was done suddenly out of the blue at Christmas. Sure, I would smile and say "That's wonderful!." and feel thankful that someone unfortunate was helped. I probably would only offer verbal thanks, but wouldn't feel the expectation to send a card. People who give to charities should NOT expect thanks, imho. The next day I probably wouldn't even think about the situation anymore one way or another.

 

My husband doesn't know I feel this way. My father & mother don't even know I feel this way. I would never tell anyone in real life that I feel this way. I'd wager that a lot of posters on this thread have never even discussed this in real life either.

 

:iagree: I should have just kept my mouth shut & waited for this response. You said it better than me. Thanks!

[CAMom]

I think the people who have done this have thought that, since our children were adopted from areas where Heifer International works and they know that hunger is an important issue to us, HI is a good charity. Many people don't really understand what being vegan really means.

 

Tara

 

Very understandable and your response is very gracious.:grouphug:

[CAMom]

Is that the norm, though? If someone knows you oppose a charity and makes a donation to it in your name, I see that as an intentional slight or insult, no different from giving someone a tangible gift that they know you would be offended by.

 

I think that's part of the point of the original post, though. If you are going to make the gesture of donating to charity on behalf of someone else, you should make sure it is a charity that means something to them not the one doing the donating.:)

 

When I think of making a donation on behalf of someone else, I think of what Sputterduck posted. Those donations very obviously have in mind the person for whom she is donating.

[Murphy101]

Has anyone seen the episode of The Simpsons where Homer gives Marge a bowling ball with his own name engraved on it, and then promptly takes it and goes bowling with it? That's what this makes me think of. If I am giving a gift to my favorite charity, I am giving myself a gift. If I am doing it in someone else's name, it is still a gift for me. I am the one that gets the good feeling, the satisfaction of knowing that I have helped someone in a way that is meaningful for me.

 

Sputterduck--I think what you're doing sounds wonderful, because you are giving with the recipient in mind.

 

I would not necessarily judge the motives of someone who gave to charity in my name...but it would be more meaningful if they gave to a charity that I care about (or at least, that they thought I cared about).

:iagree: entirely with you!

[dangermom]

I'm curious why you would think that a person making a donation in your name is being as selfish and judgemental as the statement above indicates.

I'm sure that many people don't feel that way. But there have certainly been a lot of statements on this thread implying (or outright stating) that people who don't like charity donations as gifts are really just selfish, entitled, and shallow, and not as unselfish as people who do like them.

[Murphy101]

Oh and yes my dh does not like the diabetes assoc.

He says diabetes is way too big of a cash cow for a cure to be realistic.

If money could lead to a cure, we'd have one by now.

 

Says it's like says that more money will equal better schools.

 

He has been type 1 diabetic for 30+ years and has heard it all before.