BamaTanya Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 I'm just saying it here so I won't say it to anyone in the family and won't upset someone. It upsets me. Mom's gone and Dad's new girlfriend is helping him decorate the house and buy furniture and pick out paint colors. That's exactly why we told him in the spring we'd be interested in buying the house. And he'd said, "I was thinking the same thing. We should just trade." And I'd said (when he was setting up all this legal stuff with his attorney): "Find out what we'd need to do to make it legal." And it was the same time he started seeing his new friend. So, he forgot. And now he and the gf are getting rid of stuff and redecorating and changing everything in Mom's house. And my house. And the grandchildren's house. Do not tell me Mom's gone. I know she is. I know it's not her house any more. I know it doesn't hurt her feelings to have her pictures (and all the family photos) removed from the walls. And all her paintings (she was an artist). And they already have plans to work on the garden. Mom's magum opus. Ugh. Now Dad doesn't have time for us. Doesn't ask for the children to come over. Has little porcelain figures on the side tables instead of children's crayons and games and the tea sets Nana had for their tea parties. I'm just whining here because I don't want indifference or anything else from any of the IRL people I have to deal with. My dc have no grandmother. It makes me so sad. And their pictures aren't on the wall anymore in their grandpa's house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Oh, Tanya. I am so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gretchen in NJ Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I am so very sorry. I am sad along with you. I don't know what to say.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 I'm so sorry :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Big hugs, Tanya. That must really sting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 I'm so sorry Tanya. My mom died after being married to my dad 36 years. My dad was lonely and I wanted him happy, but I never expected when he and his girlfriend got engaged for her to show me the engagement ring and say something like, "Doesn't your mom's diamond look nice in this setting?" WHAT? Aren't diamond rings supposed to be passed down to the children? My dad didn't realize how important that was to me. It was something my mom cherished and I'm sure she would have wanted it to go to one of her kids. I did write him a letter about it so he would know my feelings, but of course it was too late. That marriage only lasted 2-1/2 years and now MY mom's diamond is gone forever. I would think about what mementos of that house do you really want to keep and ask them about it before they are gone. As far as the memories, keep them alive by talking about them with your children. My children don't have any grandparents living now, so the best we can do is talk about them and remember the good times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 :grouphug: Ugh. One more thing I never thought of being grateful for....not having to go through this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Oh, that's just heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 I think it's rather tacky to be honest. It's one thing if all traces of a divorced person are taken away. I can understand that. But there should be absolutely no reason this new gf should feel jealous of the 1st wife who has passed away. When my grandmother married my step-grandfather, they did not take all the pictures down. Those were memories of a long loving marriage. My grandmother even put up some pictures of her and my grandfather. It was a lovely sentiment. I'm sorry you don't feel the need to say anything. I would. It can be done tactfully. Don't let them get rid of the pictures or paintings just because they are redecorating. Put them in your house. Tacky and insensitive. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 :grouphug: Get the pictures and paintings and anything sentimental to keep at your house! :iagree: My G'pa passed and a lot of collectables that his dc wanted to keep for sentimental value were sold by step-kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EarleneW Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 I'm so sorry Tanya. Hugs to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 I'm so sorry. I do want to say that I don't think it's right. Just because your mom is gone does not erase the memories, the children, the grandchildren. That should still be honored. I know it doesn't hurt your mom's feelings, but there are still the children and grandchildren. It's a part of his life that cannot just disappear. There should be a place for those pictures and memories; they are important. The new girlfriend can still help decorate, but she should not be trying to remove part of your dad's life. Of course, I don't know all the details, but this doesn't seem right. There should be room for both. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rowan25 Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 I'm just saying it here so I won't say it to anyone in the family and won't upset someone. It upsets me. Mom's gone and Dad's new girlfriend is helping him decorate the house and buy furniture and pick out paint colors. That's exactly why we told him in the spring we'd be interested in buying the house. And he'd said, "I was thinking the same thing. We should just trade." And I'd said (when he was setting up all this legal stuff with his attorney): "Find out what we'd need to do to make it legal." And it was the same time he started seeing his new friend. So, he forgot. And now he and the gf are getting rid of stuff and redecorating and changing everything in Mom's house. And my house. And the grandchildren's house. Do not tell me Mom's gone. I know she is. I know it's not her house any more. I know it doesn't hurt her feelings to have her pictures (and all the family photos) removed from the walls. And all her paintings (she was an artist). And they already have plans to work on the garden. Mom's magum opus. Ugh. Now Dad doesn't have time for us. Doesn't ask for the children to come over. Has little porcelain figures on the side tables instead of children's crayons and games and the tea sets Nana had for their tea parties. I'm just whining here because I don't want indifference or anything else from any of the IRL people I have to deal with. My dc have no grandmother. It makes me so sad. And their pictures aren't on the wall anymore in their grandpa's house. I'm so sorry!!! That would make me incredibly sad, though I do understand why you can't say so IRL. :( :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMA Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 I'm very sorry.:grouphug: However, I think you need to have an heart to heart talk with your father without the gf and tell him how you feel NOW and yes it's okay to upset him because what he is doing is affecting you and the children. Otherwise, he and the gf think you will just accept the changes. The way you describe the changes, it sounds like your father has forgotten your mother AND the rest of the family. If he doesn't respond afterwards, well at least you made your views known and you tried your best. (My father married his second wife without telling me. I didn't even know about her. He just showed up one day at my college dorm to tell me and for me to meet her. We get along wonderfully now, but it took 20 years or so for us to relate. I didn't have anything against her but I saw no reason to get to know her either at the time.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jill- OK Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 It upsets me. I know. Honestly...I do. Now, my stepmom is the one who was left, when my Dad died, but she's my children's grandmother. She's been there all these years, since the beginning of their lives, kept them, been a positive force in their lives, and assured me that none of that would change. And...while her feelings haven't...her situation has. Her new husband (understandably) isn't used to five kids spending the night. So they don't. Isn't used to going places/doing things with five kids. So...they don't. (Yes, they could trade times, but she has virtually one day a month or so that she can do this, and it would be MONTHS before some of the kids saw her. Not to mention, she wants to see them all at once, because she hasn't seen them for a month! He needs her. (Recently began having heart trouble). He's not my dad, not related to me, at all. She and I both have cried over this, and she's admitted to me that she had no idea that it would be like this. It never occurred to her. She loves him. She's happy with him. And I want her to be happy. I'm grateful for her, and for the time we do get to spend with her...but it's so, so hard, on top of not having my dad, to not be comfortable in what was his home, and to feel that I've lost a level of relationship with her, too. I don't pretend to know what's necessary for someone to do to "move on", after a loss like this, and I don't believe it's wrong for someone to make changes to their surroundings to do that, if they need to. But your feelings are absolutely valid, and it's probably hard for him to understand--not to mention, hard for you to express--that you're having your loss compounded, seemingly, by further eradication of your mom's memory. And yes, your kids have lost something, but I believe he may come around in that area, if you give him time. Or...maybe not. Either way...I'm so, so sorry. :( While I know it's a painful subject...can you gently ask him why he's taken down *family* photos? I don't know, maybe it's not a good idea...but I'd bet that it's possible he simply hasn't thought about it being a potentially hurtful thing. But..that's me. I tend towards the "Let's Hug It Out", lol. (Although I'm frequently sorry that I tried. :tongue_smilie:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Of course, I don't know all the details, but this doesn't seem right. There should be room for both. Janet It is horrendous, and telling, I think, that your dad doesn't care to have the pictures of his own grandchildren decorate his walls.....I don't get that at all. They weren't just hers. I'm sorry about this. But I wouldn't blame the new wife. I would blame him, and let him know how much it hurt. But that's just me!:D To be honest, I understand about the paintings your mom did. They should be given to her children. If your dad had a favorite one, he should have the fortitude to tell his wife he wants to keep it. But if I were a new wife, I would want to decorate the place my own way. Maybe they should have moved instead. At any rate, so sorry. I can see how much this would hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Show him YOUR original post...just print it out...don't print out all the rest, it may be hurtful....let him know you didn't know how to bring this up to him. It is a very real fact that men tend to 'get over' lost spouses by filling the void. It's also a very real fact that most "void fillers" don't want to be reminded of the woman who was first in this man's life for many years. All that being said, it is not unreasonable for you to have these reservations and concerns, but he won't know unless you tell him...it would be easier for you to print this out and let him read it, if you tried to start a conversation you wouldn't say half as much and your emotions would get the better of you...what you stated in your op is exactly how you feel and reasonable...maybe after he reads it you both can go out to lunch together at a park (just the two of you) and share some of these feelings..if you don't, it will build a wall of resentment up... On the grandkids stuff...honestly, it's mostly the grandma's who foster that relationship...there are some wonderful grandpa's but as I think back on all my interactions with mine, the grandma was always the one who instigated actions..she might have told my grandfather to take us fishing..but he almost never made that decision on his own! :) Which makes me very cognizant of how I'm training my husband of 17 years...looks like I need to encourage him to make some activity decisions...we'd never see a vacation if it weren't for me...or a picnic/campout etc....we (moms) do it all!! :) Good luck, and I'm in Alabama, if you're close, you're welcome to come and have some tea and just get it off your chest!! Blessings, Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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