WWYD?........DD10 becomes distraught when told about homeschooling.....

[MariannNOVA]

DH and I decided two weeks ago, after much prayer and consideration, that I would homeschool all three kiddos for the upcoming school year. DD10, and DD8 and DS8 (the twins, or Hekyl and Jekyl, as I like to call them) were all in a wonderful private school (Classical Christian) this past year, and DD10 has been there since 2nd grade -- the twins just joined her this past school year, and did have an excellent school year - DD10 LOVES this school and her friends.

DH and I made this decision based, (first) on finances. I have been teaching in another private Christian school and my salary just about covered tuition for all three. There was alot of wear and tear on me as the two schools are not near each other and traffic in NOVA is a horror - most of the time. Well, today, DD10 learned of it -- she fell apart, literally fell apart. We all sat down, and the twins are perfectly amenable to homeschooling. Today they met some classical conversation group-mates and they are enthusiastic about all of it. Not so DD10. Dh and I had discussed the possibility that she would not be happy at all with the decision (well, actually he told me to face up to the fact that she was going to hate the idea), and we did tell her that we could see our way to keep her there (which we can - paying for one is not difficult - paying for three is just incredibly difficult - let me change that, paying for three is impossible).

I am sitting here tonight eating my liver over this :ack2:. DH says to give her time and perhaps she will come around OR perhaps she won't and she will go back to the priv sch. I know he is right.

I know that she would eventually adjust to homeschool and classical conversations; - she doesn't know this, but this was going to be her final year at this particular school anyway, because while it is great through Grade 5, it doesn't offer what we want past that (science labs, a 'real' library). The twins are thrilled and want to know if they do well with CC and homeschooling, does it mean we will do it the following year.

I guess I just need to give her time, right? I am also disappointed because I had planned our curriculum around her regarding History (and that is easily changed), and I was looking forward to homeschooling her because she is a pleasure to teach and would be such a good role model for Hekyl and Jekyl.

Thanks for listening -- if you can impart kindly phrased words of wisdom, I would be so appreciative -- I am fried!

[SherryTX]

Well, that is rough! I am sorry your daughter is not excited about it.

However, if things are good for her at her current school, I can understand it.

It is your decision, but if you can afford it, perhaps letting her go back to the school is the right thing for now. You can focus on the twins for now.

 

Who knows, she may even changed her mind after seeing how much the twins are enjoying it. Also, if you feel the school is good up until 5th grade, there is no harm in leaving her there until then, right? You could also tell her that she can go back this year, but the following year she should expect to home school. That gives her plenty of time to get used to the idea.

 

Is she falling apart because she is going to miss her friends?

[skaterbabs]

If she was facing her last year at the school anyway, and you can financially afford to pay for it, I'd suggest letting her finish her time there with the clear expectation that the following year you will homeschool or send her to another school. This is not an unreasonable expectation for you or her because most children change schools after 5th grade.

[MariannNOVA]

Your answer is excellent and articulate -- her reaction has really thrown me, and yes, to answer your questions, I do think it is ALL about her friends...a rapidly dwindling group, as one of her very good friends will not be returning in the fall either. I know that the 'stability' of returning in the fall has enormous appeal to her. We moved SO MUCH (DH's job) for the first 7 years of her life, and she has told us in the past that she just wants to stay in one place.

Your advice is good, and I appreciate it. You have provided me with a voice of reason. Bless you!:)

[Avila]

:grouphug: It certainly doesn't have to be all or nothing. But I think your other option is to give her a little time to digest all of this. Is she the kind of child that doesn't like change? Will telling her that this is her last year at the school she is at open her mindset any? Is there a way to guide her into looking at homeschooling without making her feel that she is going into it against her will? Have you asked her specifically why she doesn't want to homeschool?

 

You could (in a nonthreatening way) show her some of the neat materials you are looking at, even if it is just to include her and ask her "advice" on what you will be doing for the twins. Maybe if she gets involved in looking at things for them, she might find something that interests her. You could also post on local message boards or email loops and try to get together with other homeschooling families with girls her age and let her talk with them about it and just see you and the twins meeting new people and making new friends. I don't know if any of this would change her mind, but even if it didn't, it might help you and the twins with your transition to homeschooling.

 

I am not particularly a child-led parent, but I would definitely take her feelings and fears into account. I don't think I would coerce a 10 yo into starting homeschooling unless I really had to, especially when you and she are pretty happy with the school she is in. I think it is fair to make sure she understands the benefits of homeschooling though. And I think it is fair to be honest with her about her situation at the school and why you think homeschooling is going to benefit her and the whole family. Like everyone else said, if she goes into the next year at school understanding that it is her last, she may be much more willing to consider other options at the end of it, especially if it looks like the rest of you have been having a wonderful time without her.

 

Prayers for you and your DD, that you make a decision that makes sense to all of you, and I hope you and the twins have a wonderful first year, whatever you end up deciding.

Edited July 9, 2009 by Asenik

[Peela]

My dd was 9 when I brought her home to homeschool. I had brought her 7yo brother home 6 months earlier due to his learning difficulties and the school's lack of response to him....he was thriving at home and Dh, who had been dubious about the whole idea at first and had given me a 6 month trial- was so enthralled by homeschooling he wanted Dd home too. We could see that we would lose her in the next few years to her peers.

Dd did NOT want to homeschool. She spent 6 months asking when she could go back to school. She was happy there.

I worked really hard at getting her a social life with other homeschoolers. I knew I couldnt homeschool her indefinitely if she was resisting me. It took 6 months, but around that time her old best school friend invited her to a b'day sleepover party and then had them watch adult horror movies- they were all 9 years old! Dd was so traumatised, it helped her to cut her emotional ties with her school friends and come wholly over to her homeschooling life. She accepted it and it is now 6 years later.

She still has a bit of a hankering for school at times, but she certainly has had a good time homeschooling too. And, in the beginning, she really didnt think she would.

As parents we decided to over-ride what our daughter wanted because we felt we could see a bigger picture and that it would be of greater benefit for her to homeschool. We have never, ever regretted that decision.

You are the parents. You can always give it a trial and she could go to school again later. (I couldnt let my dd think she might go to school later though- I needed her to surrender to our decision for now).

I think it is normal for kids- some kids- to not want change.

 

But we are testimony to the fact that even a kid who thrived in school and loved it can also thrive at home and be happy there too. And it sure makes it easier on mum to not have to do that school run every day.

[fivetails]

DH and I decided two weeks ago, after much prayer and consideration, that I would homeschool all three kiddos for the upcoming school year.

 

Okay...you're getting advice more directed at letting her stay at the school.. I'm gonna go the opposite way here - I don't think this is a decision that should be made by a ten year old child, especially after it's something that you have prayed about & considered together with your husband and you've both decided that homeschooling all the kids is best.

 

She'll adjust ~ it might take some time, but she will. You aren't sending the kid off to military boot camp. ;)

[Mom0012]

If she is doing well academically, and she's happy, AND you can afford it, I would let her continue in school. I say this especially since you said one of your main reasons for homeschooling was financial.

 

Lisa

[Rhonda in TX]

Not all the time, but often enough that it distressed me. However, homeschooling was the choice we made for our family and she did not get to make that choice herself. It took her a couple of years (and me figuring out how to meet her social needs), but she is a very happy homeschooler now.

 

It's hard to see our kids unhappy, but as the parents, we have to make the decisions that we feel are right for them.

[Quiver0f10]

Okay...you're getting advice more directed at letting her stay at the school.. I'm gonna go the opposite way here - I don't think this is a decision that should be made by a ten year old child, especially after it's something that you have prayed about & considered together with your husband and you've both decided that homeschooling all the kids is best.

 

She'll adjust ~ it might take some time, but she will. You aren't sending the kid off to military boot camp. ;)

 

:iagree: her feelings do count and they are real, but the descision is ultimately up to you, your Dh and God. I would assure her that you will do everything you can to keep her incontact with her friends and do that. Join a home school group, make play dates or whatever. But in the end it's your descision.

[dhudson]

Give her time to adjust, don't make an opposite decision based on her first reaction. We changed churches this year (after 11 years) and our kids cried and were horribly sad for a day or two and then were over it and ready to face a new challenge. We gave them time to grieve and allow them to have those emotions and then we moved on.

 

You are still the parents and while we need to give our children the freedom to not be happy about our decisions (not allowing disrespect but acknowledging that hard things cause us pain) we are still ultimately in charge.

 

So sorry that this is difficult at the moment.

[G5052]

My child that age gets very emotional and has a very hard time regarding social things with other girls. We actually are changing Classical Conversations campuses this fall, and my DD had a lot of tears over that at first although now she's OK. It has helped that we have been to several informal social events with the group since the decision was made. And the neighborhood girls outright have rejected her this summer with "mean girl" stuff, and she had some tears over that. So her reaction is pretty typical for her age and period of life.

 

As long as there will be other girls in her class in the Classical Conversations group, I'd give it time. If there weren't any girls her age, that would be an entirely different matter. I can understand not wanting to be the only girl in a class of all boys, and that's something I personally would accomodate, but not the situation you describe.

[Chris in VA]

I'm in NoVA, in FFC, and I was wondering if you'd pm me--

 

FWIW, I would be hard-pressed to pull her at this time, because I also hate to disappoint my kids and bend over backwards at times trying to be "reasonable," but if you have prayed about it and are in agreement with your husband that God has told you to homeschool, I would know in my heart that God loves my dd, and will provide for her. Perhaps he wants her to have a refining experience, or to protect her from some influence or experience you cannot foresee. Perhaps he wants to stretch you in the area of trusting him when there are competing thoughts or desires (such as pleasing your dd). Only you and God know, but I would not give equal weight to God's directive and your dd's desires.

[Orthodox6]

Is there no scholarship program at the private school ?

[Melinda in VT]

Is it possible that part of the reason she is upset is that she didn't get closure at school? It sounds like you just told her of the decision, after the school year had ended, so she didn't have a chance to say goodbye to the school.

 

Maybe throw a party this summer and invite the kids from her class? Have her write notes to teachers/librarians/principal?

[Remudamom]

:iagree: her feelings do count and they are real, but the descision is ultimately up to you, your Dh and God. I would assure her that you will do everything you can to keep her incontact with her friends and do that. Join a home school group, make play dates or whatever. But in the end it's your descision.

 

Agreeing with Quiver and fivetails. Who are the parents? You can lovingly make your decisions.

 

Or you could let her make the decisions and get used to it, cause that's what it'll lead to.

[skaterbabs]

I think saying that allowing her one final year in a good school that her parents can afford will lead to her taking control of everything is a little silly.

 

The OP already stated that the reason homeschooling came up to begin with was the cost of tuition for three children. (FTR, that is *exactly* why we're HSing. All of mine would be in private school if we could afford it.)

 

She also stated that after the following year they were planning to do something different anyway.

 

IMO, asking a question like "who's the parent?" in this case is over-the-top at the very least, and exceedingly rude at the very most. This is a ten year old girl. Respecting her enough to say, "I see your point, and your father and I talked it over. We have decided to allow you to finish grade five at _____ school, but for grade six you will ________. There will be no tears or tantrums at the end of the year. Do you understand? Good. Now, let's go ______ (too the pool, play checkers, read a book, whatever.)" is not going to lead to her becominng an unholy terror.

[Stacy in NJ]

If you intended to remove her from that school after 5th, you may as well do it now. If, as you say, her group of friends is dwindling due to others leaving, now would be a good time to make the transition. Stick to your decision. Work hard at helping her to stay in touch with friends from school, but also help her to make new friends in your Classical Conversation group. You may find that over time she adjusts nicely. It sounds like eventually she'll need to make the transition; do it now. Do let her know that it is a sacrifice for her, and you do appreciate that, but that you also expect her to handle it with with good grace.

 

Everyones first year can get a bit bumpy. All the best, Stacy

[Starr]

She doesn't know what she's comparing. All that she knows is that her life is changing. That is always difficult. If this is your family decision I would be kind but definite. Once she knows you are not going to change your mind you can embark on making plans for the school year. Remember that it doesn't have to look like school. She might need some time to unschool. Plan field trips and fun educational activities.

 

I wish you the best!

[Colleen in NS]

DH and I decided two weeks ago, after much prayer and consideration, that I would homeschool all three kiddos for the upcoming school year.

 

DH and I made this decision based, (first) on finances.

 

Dh and I had discussed the possibility that she would not be happy at all with the decision (well, actually he told me to face up to the fact that she was going to hate the idea),

 

DH says to give her time and perhaps she will come around

 

I know that she would eventually adjust to homeschool

 

I was looking forward to homeschooling her because she is a pleasure to teach

 

It sounds to me like you and dh have already talked thoroughly about this and have made a decision you are happy with.

 

I do think it is ALL about her friends...a rapidly dwindling group

 

I think bringing her home to homeschool would provide MORE stability, not less. And more opportunities to make solid friendships with people of all ages, not just temporary classmates.

 

I don't think this is a decision that should be made by a ten year old child, especially after it's something that you have prayed about & considered together with your husband and you've both decided that homeschooling all the kids is best.

 

It's hard to see our kids unhappy, but as the parents, we have to make the decisions that we feel are right for them.

 

:iagree: her feelings do count and they are real, but the descision is ultimately up to you, your Dh and God.

 

:iagree:

 

So her reaction is pretty typical for her age and period of life.

 

I know GVA is talking about her own dd, but I was also going to point out that your dd's reaction is probably typical for the age.

 

Since your decision seems so well thought out, I'd encourage you to stick with your decision to homeschool her, making any adjustments necessary.

 

:grouphug:

[Dirtroad]

it is all about friends.... hang in there!

 

Immerse her in activities (as you can) and keep her busy meeting people and joining clubs/music etc.

 

Friends are everywhere! But it takes time to transition. You may have to help her wean off some of th old ones IF they become an anchor around her neck & keep pulling her down (some friends can work to keep her looking back & not ahead... set them adrift if they do this b/c it is sabotage to your family needs & progress)

[Remudamom]

I think saying that allowing her one final year in a good school that her parents can afford will lead to her taking control of everything is a little silly.

 

 

IMO, asking a question like "who's the parent?" in this case is over-the-top at the very least, and exceedingly rude at the very most. This is a ten year old girl. Respecting her enough to say, "I see your point, and your father and I talked it over. We have decided to allow you to finish grade five at _____ school, but for grade six you will ________. There will be no tears or tantrums at the end of the year. Do you understand? Good. Now, let's go ______ (too the pool, play checkers, read a book, whatever.)" is not going to lead to her becominng an unholy terror.

 

 

Depends on the girl. You haven't met my nieces. And as for the "Who's the parent?" question you can't hear my tone. You don't like my opinion? I'm over the top and exceedingly rude? I don't think that was what this thread was about. Want to start a spin off?

[mommaduck]

You're the parent; be the parent.

[MariannNOVA]

I want to thank everyone for weighing in on this. I was so thankful that the answers stuck to the original issue -- even the divergence to 'parent-led' and 'child-led' stuck to the original issue.

I have pm-d many of you, and I will respond personally to all of you who answered - everyone has given DH and me worthwhile actions and issues to consider.

I must add that I 'think' that part of DD10's upset is the fact that for many years (in her short 10 year life), we have, on short notice, picked up and moved (dh's position), and perhaps she has felt that she 'fell off the face of the earth' as far as her acquaintances with her peers. She has always gone to the new situation with a good spirit and positive outlook and has made a place for herself and has been happy. She has been in the school in question since 2nd grade (she would be entering fifth grade) -- it is a small school, everyone is local, and this is the closest we have ever been to putting down 'roots' (a topic for another thread, I daresay). I appreciated the suggestions by many of you to continue to arrange playdates, invites, contact etc with her friends -- and, after all, isn't 'that' what we do with our friends - I have always thought that friendship should have almost nothing to do with proximity. I loved the suggestion that because of the continuing tuition payment (should we go that route), certain things will be curtailed - big birthday parties, private ice skating lessons. She will also be attending every single 'event' for CC - open houses, picnics, playdates with the families we are meeting (we had one yesterday and all three kiddos loved it) as we will be attending as a family.

Right now, dh and I are taking a step back and letting things settle. I do not want to beat DD over the head with this - we are able to send her back in the fall to the pr sch and let her have that year to adjust - she will have a phenomenol teacher for fifth grade - one of those teachers that you say, 'I can't wait for my child to get that teacher!' so that is a real positive for all of us.

This is, for our family, an issue with a real grey area. Having raised two daughters (who are now married and one has children of her own), I do see those issues that are 'non-negotiable,' and I think that if we were to say to her that there was absolutely no way we could see our way to afford her tuition for another year, she would accept and adjust (after all, what choice would she have?) - she is a very obedient girl and she strives to be faithful to her Maker.

All that being said, I am going to give her a little time to come around, and see if she changes her attitude toward the idea of a change. My oldest daughter is coming next week for a visit - both older daughters are always telling the twins that they wish they could have been homeschooled by me (they are 29 and 30 years old) -- my oldest is a high school physics teacher -- perhaps she and DD10 will have a talk. I am not conspiring to change her mind; I am, however, incredibly thankful that we have wiggle room here to come to a decision that we can look back on and use as an example of a crossroads in our lives that was handled the way the Lord would have us handle it.

Thank you all again for your wonderful responses - I truly did appreciate every one of them.

[Colleen in NS]

I must add that I 'think' that part of DD10's upset is the fact that for many years (in her short 10 year life), we have, on short notice, picked up and moved (dh's position), and perhaps she has felt that she 'fell off the face of the earth' as far as her acquaintances with her peers.

 

This is why I mentioned that homeschooling could be a better way of providing constant stability, no matter if your family moves again....however,

 

Having raised two daughters (who are now married and one has children of her own),(they are 29 and 30 years old)

 

EEK! You already have tons of parenting experience! So disregard my other comments above! :D:leaving::D

[MariannNOVA]

'Your mommy is very different than our mommy!' Which used to confuse the living daylights out of the younger three, :blink:

 

but now they understand.

 

 

 

But, you know, Colleen, each kid is SO different! Your comments were well-made and I appreciated them.

All five kiddees are SO different, that it makes my head spin -- although, all five (spanning the age thing) have so many things that are similar: DD29 (actually she turns 29 tomorrow), and DS8.5 are so alike it scares me, and DD8.5 and DD29 are also amazingly alike - but DD8.5 and DS8.5 are so diametrically opposed AND then such mirror images of each other that I could :rant:.

 

And, I have to say, I am NOT the same temperment I was all those years ago -- many changes, lots of growth (emotionally, spiritually, -- I hope), much more sensitive (I was a you-know-what on wheels) - and able to ask for views of others now. So, much appreciation for your thoughts.

[Joanne]

I think saying that allowing her one final year in a good school that her parents can afford will lead to her taking control of everything is a little silly.

 

The OP already stated that the reason homeschooling came up to begin with was the cost of tuition for three children. (FTR, that is *exactly* why we're HSing. All of mine would be in private school if we could afford it.)

 

She also stated that after the following year they were planning to do something different anyway.

 

IMO, asking a question like "who's the parent?" in this case is over-the-top at the very least, and exceedingly rude at the very most. This is a ten year old girl. Respecting her enough to say, "I see your point, and your father and I talked it over. We have decided to allow you to finish grade five at _____ school, but for grade six you will ________. There will be no tears or tantrums at the end of the year. Do you understand? Good. Now, let's go ______ (too the pool, play checkers, read a book, whatever.)" is not going to lead to her becominng an unholy terror.

 

I hear your point.

 

OTOH, this is a *homeschooling* board and support of homeschooling should be expected.

 

Another reality many homeschoolers face is a hovering presence of the "default" solution. The degree to which "put them in school" is present varies, but it's always there. Putting them in private or public school remains an "option" should challenges present. In fact, in some cases, it's the constant default solution.

 

Many homeschoolers find that it helps to be firm and resolute with family, friends and their children in order to homeschool without a constant state of indecision.

 

Yes, this family is homeschooling for financial reasons. But the function of making a firm parental decision -especially one that is counter cultural - is part of the dynamic to consider.

[Colleen in NS]

'Your mommy is very different than our mommy!' Which used to confuse the living daylights out of the younger three,

 

:lol:

[Orthodox6]

I would be honest, best as you can, discussing "homeschool world" with children. There are pros and there are cons. It is not "Eden", by any means. For us, homeschooling is very "consistent" -- consistent isolation. (which is NOT what we envisioned)

[MariannNOVA]

and I very much appreciate your points about 'homeschooling support.' The points you raise about 'default' are also excellent and speak volumes to me about my personal commitment -- not only to homeschooling but to everything -- am I walking a 'default' path or a 'commitment' path?

 

Thank you -- I appreciate your articulation, your honesty, and your firmness.:)

[katilac]

You can take her feelings into consideration and still homeschool. I'd have a brainstorming session to think about ways that she can still see her important friends. My dd, who turns 11 this week, is still casual friends with three or four girls she went to preschool with 7 years ago! They don't see other constantly, but a good half dozen times throughout the year at birthday parties and play dates.

 

If you're comfortable with online stuff, she can also email and chat. I allow this; my kids know that their emails and chat records aren't private - - I don't read 'em all for fun, but I need access to make sure nothing's going awry. Keeps them on their toes!

 

I would give her some time to ponder and settle down before launching into the advantages of hs'ing (I would do that, just not right away).

 

We always do fun stuff at the start of a new school year to pump us up and set the tone. A new school year is exciting! I don't want them to miss out on that - - even when we didn't break for part of the summer, we always did stuff to mark the 'new' year. For us, it's stuff like cool school supplies, a welcome letter from the 'administration' of the school, making a big show of new books and topics, and, most importantly, cookies for breakfast.

 

I just re-read your post, and I see that you've already let her know that staying at school is a possibility, is that correct? If she knows that, I wouldn't count on her coming around. At this point, I'd decide with dh if that's on the table, and if it is, I'd tell dd she needed to take x amount of time to decide if she wanted her last year there. I wouldn't have her decide this minute, b/c it's possible she will consider some of the drawbacks to school/advtantages to hs, and come on board of her own free will.

 

If she doesn't, just focus on the fact that you have a whole year to practice with just the youngers, and get ready for her next year!