Birthmother sues after meeting child

[AprilTN]

In our state, an adoptee can have their records unsealed. They have to sign a document stating that they will not try to contact anyone in the family, and there are penalties for doing so. Then, if you want to contact them after reading the adoption records, you have to fill out additional paperwork, pay more money, and a case worker contacts them. They actually call the person and speak to them personally before sending paperwork. They can choose to be contacted or not. Then the case worker has them sign paperwork indicating their choice, and lets the adoptee know their answer.

 

If I remember correctly, it stated on the paperwork that the birth parent must fill out the paperwork---they can't just ignore it---they have to send it in regardless. And I wonder if they tried to contact her by phone beforehand and if she didn't respond. That is because the LAW changed and like it or not, the birth parents have to respond according to the changes in the law.

 

If I were her, I would have had that paperwork filled out and next-day-aired it back to them if I didn't want to be contacted.

 

Honestly, there can be enough information in the adoption records to find that person on your own---but the adoptee has to agree NOT to do that before the records are released.

[Nicole M]

I said she "could have" not that she "should have". It should be okay to say that she "could have" because other people do so it cerainly is possible and that is what "could have" means.

 

You're right, you did. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound like I was attacking you. I guess at that point in the thread, where you posted, I felt the conversation was moving in the general direction of blaming the victim, and that pushed my buttons. Sometimes it's not so much the sentiment of a particular comment but where it falls in the conversation that can color how it is read.

 

And you're right that healing is possible. You know; you've lived it. There really is so much that we do not know about this birthmother, it is hard to say what, in her particular circumstances, is possible.

[Gretchen in NJ]

While I feel badly for the woman, did anyone else read the part where she received a letter asking for her contact preferences? She ignored the whole situation because it was painful, never returned the letter or stated that she did not want to be contacted, and now is suing?

 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry she is having to relive a very painful part of her past, and that her bio daughter doesn't seem to be respecting her wish to be left alone (although I also feel badly for the daughter that wonders about her bio mom). BUT I don't think she has the right to sue if she ignored a letter clearly stating that they needed to hear back from her about her preferences.

 

JMHO

 

In New Jersey, you need a court order to open the records. They did not get a court order.

 

It is very sad for both parties. Shame that the law was not followed.

[katemary63]

You're right, you did. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound like I was attacking you. I guess at that point in the thread, where you posted, I felt the conversation was moving in the general direction of blaming the victim, and that pushed my buttons. Sometimes it's not so much the sentiment of a particular comment but where it falls in the conversation that can color how it is read.

 

And you're right that healing is possible. You know; you've lived it. There really is so much that we do not know about this birthmother, it is hard to say what, in her particular circumstances, is possible.

 

No, it's fine - I didn't feel attacked - just clarifying. I am just sad about all the pain people are in. What a terrible tragedy.

 

And in my mind, I see these two as both victims of the same crime and what if....just what if..... this mother was at a place where she could see her daughter that way and they could know each other and support each other .....and it is her DAUGHTER, not JUST a product of rape.....and it is her MOTHER and that means something really big ... and none of this is fair, but if it had to be, wouldn't it be beautiful if out of that sickness could come a relationship instead of a mother and daughter who are torn apart forever because of something someone else did? Okay....just idealizing now....not at all saying that the mother is obligated to think this way........ just thinking that this horrible guy sure had a lot of power to ruin lives and wouldn't it be great to take that away from him....okay, sorry, doing it again......

 

I do know a woman ( babysat for her) who became pregnant through rape and kept her son, married and had more children and loved them all the same. It was beautiful.

[CookieMonster]

Very sad. I think there is far too much pressure for "openess" right now. Not everyone wants that kind of openess.

 

:iagree:

 

 

While I feel badly for the woman, did anyone else read the part where she received a letter asking for her contact preferences? She ignored the whole situation because it was painful, never returned the letter or stated that she did not want to be contacted, and now is suing?

 

I read that, but not quite the way you did. *The article* makes it seem as if the letter said, "If you wish to have contact with this person, let us know." There are no direct quotes from the letter or from personnel involved in the case.

 

Quote:

DYFS asked her to confirm her identity and whether she wanted to pursue the matter.

 

That means that, at least as far as the article goes, the ball was left in the woman's court - so she thought. And she decided to do nothing.

 

Which probably isn't a wise thing to do when dealing with the government. She probably should have been proactive in making certain that no action was being taken by anyone. But, she shouldn't have had to have been proactive.

[Julie in CA]

Put yourself in the shoes of someone who was constantly reminded that by their mother that she could have "aborted you", but you've been "graciously" given the gift of being alive, so therefore, you have no right to ask questions or receive answers....then have someone ask that question. Imagine how you would react.

 

Most adoptees are not asking for "every detail" of the bio parent's life. They are asking what the circumstances of their adoption was (there is a good chance that this adult child did not know until she showed up on the doorstep), what their medical history is, what their ethnic heritage is, and in some cases what their family history is....genealogical research is valid. Also, the biomom may not want contact, but what if a sibling, upon finding out they have a sibling, wants a relationship? Do none of them have a right, simply because the biomom "graciously allowed" the child to live?

 

Question...would this woman have sued any means the adoptee used to find her on her own? There are many that have found bio family without help from the state. This issue affects access to public records as well.

First of all thank you so much for responding without anger. I really, truly am trying to understand your perspective.

 

I guess the difference is that I don't feel *I* would have the right to any details of my mother's life either. Her secrets are her own. My dad was adopted, and I don't feel I have any rights to know about my would-be grandmother. I'm simply glad that she gave him life, and ensured that he would be taken care of as best she could. I don't know my family history (including medical) from that side of the family, and don't feel as though I have a right to it. There are plenty of people who don't know their family history for many other reasons as well. I live my life as though I'd better do the best I can with health issues.

 

I'm also coming at this with a personal perspective as a best friend of a woman who was contacted at age 35 by her birth mother. My friend didn't know she was adopted until that contact, and her life will never be the same (and not in a good way! :sad:).

 

It sems to me that the best way is the online registry, where you can enter your information and your willingness to be contacted, and leave it at that. That way it's *entirely* a matter of both parties wondering and seeking, and *no one* gets an unwelcome surprise contact.

 

Other than that, I still am not convinced that the child's rights supercede the rights of the bio-parent, and I'm unhappy that people feel so entitled to disrupt the life of the person who did indeed *gift* them with life.

 

Thanks for giving me food for thought, though. I'm trying to understand the perspective that disagrees--and I'll keep trying. :001_smile:

[mommaduck]

First of all thank you so much for responding without anger. I really, truly am trying to understand your perspective.

 

I guess the difference is that I don't feel *I* would have the right to any details of my mother's life either. Her secrets are her own. My dad was adopted, and I don't feel I have any rights to know about my would-be grandmother. I'm simply glad that she gave him life, and ensured that he would be taken care of as best she could. I don't know my family history (including medical) from that side of the family, and don't feel as though I have a right to it. There are plenty of people who don't know their family history for many other reasons as well. I live my life as though I'd better do the best I can with health issues.

 

I'm also coming at this with a personal perspective as a best friend of a woman who was contacted at age 35 by her birth mother. My friend didn't know she was adopted until that contact, and her life will never be the same (and not in a good way! :sad:).

 

It sems to me that the best way is the online registry, where you can enter your information and your willingness to be contacted, and leave it at that. That way it's *entirely* a matter of both parties wondering and seeking, and *no one* gets an unwelcome surprise contact.

 

Other than that, I still am not convinced that the child's rights supercede the rights of the bio-parent, and I'm unhappy that people feel so entitled to disrupt the life of the person who did indeed *gift* them with life.

 

Thanks for giving me food for thought, though. I'm trying to understand the perspective that disagrees--and I'll keep trying. :001_smile:

 

And I'm sorry for coming across so harsh (grumpy today on top of touchy issue...I should probably just hide in the closet :tongue_smilie:and :chillpill: )

 

:grouphug:

 

I think an adoptee as a right to certain information. The problem will be, where to draw that line. And I like the idea of online registries. Unfortunately, we are still dealing with many in the generation before us that don't know how or don't use the internet and the lack of knowledge that there are such things.

Edited June 23, 2009 by mommaduck

[CookieMonster]

Just ignore my answer above...appparently I type too slowly...there's was no answer when I started and now there are 16 answers to that question

[Nicole M]

No, it's fine - I didn't feel attacked - just clarifying. I am just sad about all the pain people are in. What a terrible tragedy.

 

And in my mind, I see these two as both victims of the same crime and what if....just what if..... this mother was at a place where she could see her daughter that way and they could know each other and support each other .....and it is her DAUGHTER, not JUST a product of rape.....and it is her MOTHER and that means something really big ... and none of this is fair, but if it had to be, wouldn't it be beautiful if out of that sickness could come a relationship instead of a mother and daughter who are torn apart forever because of something someone else did? Okay....just idealizing now....not at all saying that the mother is obligated to think this way........ just thinking that this horrible guy sure had a lot of power to ruin lives and wouldn't it be great to take that away from him....okay, sorry, doing it again......

 

I do know a woman ( babysat for her) who became pregnant through rape and kept her son, married and had more children and loved them all the same. It was beautiful.

 

See, this is the hard thing. Just last week on this board, a birth father was referred to as a "sperm donor" without the rights or honors or privileges of a father. I know, having carried a child, that it is very different, actually carrying and giving birth, but still. In this woman's mind, perhaps, the child is not her daughter and she is not the child's mother, any more than the "sperm donor" is the father. I have a hard time with this whole business. Why is a birthmother a mother but a birth father is a sperm donor? I can't wrap my head around this.

 

You're right that the whole thing is a tragedy. We are able to do such violence to each other. Shocking.

[Dobela]

It sems to me that the best way is the online registry, where you can enter your information and your willingness to be contacted, and leave it at that. That way it's *entirely* a matter of both parties wondering and seeking, and *no one* gets an unwelcome surprise contact.

The main problem with this is that it is really unlikely to work well. There are places that try to do this, but none are working smoothly. Who would control it? How would you let someone know? How do you do it and remain anonymous if you want? What happens when an agency closes their doors?

 

I will say again, that after my dd's adoption thru the state gov't, I can absolutely see why soneone would want to sue them for a million dollars. I swear, our state didn't even begin to follow their own written proceedures and regulations in many months. They delayed our adoption so long that the federal govt even began placing heavy fines on my state over the delays but it still didn't phase the workers or encourage them to do their job the way their own regulations told them to do it.

 

My heart breaks for all involved in this. It is a no win situation.

[Aunty Social]

Quote:

 

That means that, at least as far as the article goes, the ball was left in the woman's court - so she thought. And she decided to do nothing.

 

Which probably isn't a wise thing to do when dealing with the government. She probably should have been proactive in making certain that no action was being taken by anyone. But, she shouldn't have had to have been proactive.

 

I definitely agree she shouldn't have had to! Big Brother, however, loves his paperwork and plausible deniability. Gotta cyoa these days.:tongue_smilie:

[msjones]

Don't have time to read all the responses right now...but wanted to pipe in.

 

I was adopted as an infant, and this is precisely the reason I haven't searched for my biological mother. Not only would I risk opening an extremely painful part of her past, but also discovering something horrible about my origins.

 

If I was conceived in rape, I don't want to know it.

 

I prefer to maintain the much happier notion of my birth as the result of first love leading to a pregnancy.

 

I see the article didn't mention how the adoptee feels about this discovery. It can't be easy on him/her either.

[DawnM]

So hard.

 

I am an adoptee and looked twice. I have never found my birth mother.

 

I have also adopted a son. It was a foreign adoption so there is no chance really of him ever locating his birth family.

 

Dawn

 

PS: I was adopted in the state of Michigan and I was able to obtain what is called "Non-identifying information" that includes health of mother and "alleged" father, as well as info about my birth mom's family. It was all info SHE wrote for me to find if I ever asked. She was actually dating the man and attending Bible College at the time I believe it said, so I don't think there was anything like rape involved.

 

But Michigan in the mid 60s was where you could have a VERY CLOSED adoption.

Edited June 23, 2009 by DawnM

[dirty ethel rackham]

While I feel badly for the woman, did anyone else read the part where she received a letter asking for her contact preferences? She ignored the whole situation because it was painful, never returned the letter or stated that she did not want to be contacted, and now is suing?

 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry she is having to relive a very painful part of her past, and that her bio daughter doesn't seem to be respecting her wish to be left alone (although I also feel badly for the daughter that wonders about her bio mom). BUT I don't think she has the right to sue if she ignored a letter clearly stating that they needed to hear back from her about her preferences.

 

JMHO

 

The woman said that receiving the letter made her relive the trauma. It should be an opt-in program, not an opt-out. What if the letter never got to her? Did that give the state the right to give out information that she never wanted divulged? I still think the state is wrong.

[Kathy in MD]

To carry a child to term after a rape has to be a constant reminder of a horrible incidence. Then to not be assured of privacy, just adds to the agony.

 

I can't help but wonder how many frightened pregnant girls (and women) consider abortion because of fears of things like this.

[Nicole M]

Since I made the "Sperm donor" comment I will respond. To *me* The difference is those 40 weeks that the birth bother/ bio-mom spent with the child. Even if you know that you can't parent this child, there is a bond or at least a respect for the life you carry. The birth mother gives life to the child, she didn't have to. Very often the bio-father disappears when he finds out the girl-friend is pg. Getting your jollies and walking away takes much less effort than carrying life for 9 months and then handing it over to another. There is sacrifice on the part of the birth mother that is worthy of respect. In the case of this article I don't think the bio-father has even earned the title of "sperm donor". That would be an insult to men who actually do donate out of compassion for childless people.

 

Throw tomatoes if you like but I don't believe that adopted children have the right to information about their biological parents. They gave you life and a family. No more should be asked of them. It's not a popular opinion but there you have it.

 

No tomatoes here. I totally agree.

 

I think it's entirely possible for a woman to be so traumatized by a conception that bonding does not occur, despite carrying a child for 40 weeks. My step-mother was raped, and then treated so badly during her pregnancy, and abused by the nurses in the delivery room, that I think bonding would have been impossible, at any level. To automatically say that a woman is a mother no matter what, but that a sperm donor / rapist, whatever, isn't a father, bothers me. Of course I see the difference that you point out, but I think as a culture, we have certain expectations about women and their babies that are unrealistic.

[stripe]

This is just so, so sad.

[TravelingChris]

I honestly don't think this birthmother thought of herself as the mother of this adopted child. She did not bond with it and it was probably all she could muster to keep[ herself relatively healthy when she had been raped.

 

To the other pster who said their bio-mom had been raped by 3 and she had tried to contact them. Why? I would never want any such aqaintance with such a person.

 

THere are actually plenty of people who can't get good health or history information. Maybe their parents don't know. Maybe their parents are deceased. Maybe there mom lied about the dad. Whatever. My parents were both dead by the time I was 23. Any info I had came from childhood memories since I was at college from 18-22. My mother couldn't talk well by the time I was 22 and died when I was 23. My grandparents were also deceased and my relatives were behind the Iron Curtain. So? I moved on. I have a great family now and we are happy. That is what counts. Not whether I have all the most accurate info about family health history.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

While I feel badly for the woman, did anyone else read the part where she received a letter asking for her contact preferences? She ignored the whole situation because it was painful, never returned the letter or stated that she did not want to be contacted, and now is suing?

 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry she is having to relive a very painful part of her past, and that her bio daughter doesn't seem to be respecting her wish to be left alone (although I also feel badly for the daughter that wonders about her bio mom). BUT I don't think she has the right to sue if she ignored a letter clearly stating that they needed to hear back from her about her preferences.

 

JMHO

 

I can agree from my ringside seat that it would have been better to respond to the inquiry. But I can't see that the agency should have proceeded in giving out personal info without her permission either.

 

I think that the garbled scenarios of privacy vs. right to information contributes in part to some women's willingness to have abortions rather than adoptions.

[mommaduck]

I honestly don't think this birthmother thought of herself as the mother of this adopted child. She did not bond with it and it was probably all she could muster to keep[ herself relatively healthy when she had been raped.

 

To the other pster who said their bio-mom had been raped by 3 and she had tried to contact them. Why? I would never want any such aqaintance with such a person.

 

THere are actually plenty of people who can't get good health or history information. Maybe their parents don't know. Maybe their parents are deceased. Maybe there mom lied about the dad. Whatever. My parents were both dead by the time I was 23. Any info I had came from childhood memories since I was at college from 18-22. My mother couldn't talk well by the time I was 22 and died when I was 23. My grandparents were also deceased and my relatives were behind the Iron Curtain. So? I moved on. I have a great family now and we are happy. That is what counts. Not whether I have all the most accurate info about family health history.

 

You have a lot more information than most adoptees. You have enough to do some genealogical research. For many of us, we have had to get over this first wall before we can even begin. You also know where your family came from.

[TracyR]

Being a wife to a husband who was adopted I kind of have to disagree with some of the statements here.

My husband who was adopted as an infant has two wonderful parents who adopted him. Fast forward to the present and even though he had parents who loved him and provided for him he still wants to know where he came from. My husband never really bonded well with his parents though and his adopted brother never bonded with him either so he feels like an only child. Who does he look like (his birth mom or birth father)? Does he have any brothers or sisters?

Most importantly in PA we aren't able to get medical history either and my youngest was born with some rare birth defects that I know don't come from my side of the family. I personally think its selfish because information like that would help us care for our daughter so much better then having to guess.

 

I don't blame my husband for feeling the way that he does. He sees my family and can see that I look like my dad and I know that cancer and heart problems run high in my family. Then there is my husband who knows nothing about where he came from, who he looks like , or what is medical history is. To him he feels like he is a ticking time bomb who is alone in the world.

Of course he never wants to replace his parents. But he just wants to know who he really is.

I don't blame him for feeling that way at all. I can see it from his point of view. As for adoptive parents , come on. Your past will always catch up with you at some point in your life. Those who chose not to accept openess can't deal with reality and they don't know that they can't hide from their problems, and being selfish. Adoptive people are human too and have a right to know where they came from and they have an absolute right to know their medical history.

 

I don't feel sorry at all for the woman. She needs to learn to get on with life and unfortunatley it was a horrible thing to happen to her in the past but her 'daughter' is a human being and deserves to be treated like the human being she is.

 

I hope that the girl knows now that this woman isn't worth seeking anymore and that her adoptive parents were a way better blessing in her life.

[Rosy]

...to be honest, has never held much weight with me (and I, too, am married to an adoptee). For the vast majority of diseases, genetics isn't a huge risk factor. And for the ones where it is, doctors are able to tell a lot without knowing one's medical history. I don't think an adoptee has an "absolute right" to know their medical history any more than a biological child does. Of course it's ideal, but realistically I think the top priority is for the child to be carried to term and placed in a loving adoptive home. If an adoptee has that, he/she has more than most children in the world.

 

I don't mean to minimize the struggles an adoptee has. I'm not in that position and don't intend to judge. But I also think it is unwise to judge a bio-mom that just might be "facing reality" by moving forward and attempting to have a healthy, happy life after doing what was best for her child.

[Harriet Vane]

I don't feel sorry at all for the woman. She needs to learn to get on with life and unfortunatley it was a horrible thing to happen to her in the past . . .

 

I find these words terribly insensitive. This birth mother was raped. Any rape is devastating, and continues to be devastating for that woman's lifetime, as any major trauma is. A person can learn to cope with the pain, to be "normal," to move on . . . and then something brings it to the forefront of the mind and it's devastating all over again, even many years later. The more traumatic the event, the more deeply it is embedded into the mind and heart of the victim.

 

The rights of the adopted child do NOT give anyone the right to deny this woman's legitimate pain and trauma. Your own trials with your family's medical needs do NOT give you the right to judge another woman's pain and to dismiss it so cavalierly.

[KristenS]

Switch perspectives for a moment. If this was a birth PARENT seeking an adoptee, would it be ok if they turned up on their 18 yos doorstep?

 

 

This actually happened to me.

 

My parents divorced when I was about three or so, because he was a violently abusive man. When I was five my mother remarried, and they went through the legal hassle of having birth father terminate his rights so my new dad could adopt me and my sis. I grew up with no memories of birth father, just the stories of the horrors he had done, and how awful his family treated my mom when she left.

 

My adoptive father passed away when I was seventeen. When I was about eighteen, on Mother's Day of all things, my birth grandmother and aunt showed up on our doorstep.

 

It was horrible and awkward. My mother didn't want to ever see these people again, and it was a nasty shock when they showed up like that, but she also didn't want to deny me the right to meet them and get to know them, so she invited them in. (My sister was away at the time.)

 

It's taken years to become okay with this, and there's still not much relationship going on. It's pretty clear that birth father doesn't really want much contact, but that birth grandmother does. We've got it down to about a phone call or email a couple times a year, which I can handle. I've since met my birth father in person, and he's definitely mellowed, but I can see the temper still simmering there and it's hard to get past how he treated my mother, and how he could've treated us if we'd stayed. And I have two half-sisters (by different mothers) that I can't form a relationship with, as much as we'd all like to, because of distance and circumstances.

 

I don't know that I'm really contributing to the discussion, just responding on what it looks like to be the one who gets the surprise on your doorstep.

 

And I still am not sure how they found us, except they had some relative who worked for a phone company and managed to do some tracking for them. Which to me is an abuse of information, right there. We'd moved enough times that they should NOT have been able to locate us, or they should've been able to do it a lot sooner (since birth father had the adoption paperwork at some point, after all). They just showed up with this sob story "we've been looking for you for so many years."

 

What it looks like from their side, I can't even begin to imagine.

[Kathy in MD]

Did you miss the part where I mentioned that I was asking a sincere question?

You missed the chance to convince me.

They may both be "victims of the same circumstance", but the bio-mom has already made a sacrifice in allowing the child to live. Perhaps the exchange for life, is that the bio-child doesn't get to know every detail of bio-mom's life, or involve themselves in it after the fact. Sounds like a reasonable trade to me. You get to live instead of being killed, but you don't always get to satisfy your curiosity.

I also don't know how it can be considered reaching for extremes. If extreme pro-adoptee rights folks prevail on these issues, the only option pregnant women will have for protecting their privacy is to abort.

 

You may say that that was not implied, but really, with the state of abortion rights in our country, why would a bio-mom who wanted to preserve their rights do anything else? .......

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

And my ds is adopted. We do know a bit about his bio mother and siblings and as far as the bm is concerned, we aren't giving details till ds is older.

 

Ds is now having a few problems about his bio dad, but he'll never know who the bd is. So ds will just have to live with that uncertainty. But ds is alive, and despite his opinion when he wants a new _______, he has a much better life than he would have had. Strange, ds has never had a problem with his bio mom putting him up for adoption, just that she didn't select someone else who doesn't worry about school and will get him all the latest video games. :D:D:D

[tricia]

Very unfortunate.