shinyhappypeople Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 (edited) My older DD works a few grade levels below what's typical for her age, mainly due to LDs in writing, math, and some cognitive quirks that contribute to those LDs. Her IQ is normal. My younger DD would probably be considered academically gifted (or close to it) and has no LDs. Younger DD is in 5th grade and on grade level for math (doesn't enjoy it, but learns it easily), spells at a solid 8th grade level, learns to spell by looking at a word once or twice and then it's hers forever, can write fluently pretty much anything, absorbed most punctuation rules just from reading, almost maxed out the DORA Reading Assessment last year.... you get the picture. Anyway, older DD sees all this and it just adds to her feelings of low self-esteem. I've tried pointing out all the things that older DD is great at (it's quite a long list :) ) and I've also pointed out that there are things that are much easier for older DD (dance, cooking, sports) that younger DD has a hard time with, but it hasn't really helped. I'm not sure what to do. How have y'all handled this situation? My kids are great people, and I don't want there to be this undercurrent of competition between them. I don't want older DD to feel bad about herself because her many strengths lie primarily in non-academic areas. And I don't want younger DD to have a weird "survivor's guilt" about her academic accomplishments. Edited November 23, 2015 by shinyhappypeople 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Southern Ivy Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 (edited) I don't have any first hand experience, but my friend is currently dealing with this. Her 1st grader is solving her 3rd graders math before the 3rd grader understands. The 1st grader just barely listens in on the lessons and gets it. It's very frustrating for the 3rd grader. My friend schools them separately and also uses different curricula for them, especially in math. The 3rd grader knows that her sister is advanced in math, but the fact that the 1st grader is using a different math seems to help. She's currently looking at different language arts programs too. Edited November 23, 2015 by Southern Ivy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Honestly, I think you're doing all you can. Keep talking about her strengths. Remind her that having to struggle with things makes our brains smarter and develops perseverance. It's true. Having everything come easy can be a detriment long term. Is the younger DD using different curriculum so there isn't direct comparison? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyGF Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I don't know if this will work in your situation, but I stress that people have different things that they are good at. I also stress hard work and that each needs to work to the level they are capable of. So if that means one is writing consistently OK stuff but improving and working hard and the other is writing great pieces but not really trying, the second one is the one who should feel the greater need to improve. Emily Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I worried about this because in my family of origin, academics were bigger than anything else. So I taught myself to weigh different types of skills equally. It's good for my academically slower kid, and also my academically gifted kid, who has learned a little humility through sports and such. I don't feel sorry for my kid who has to work much harder in school. That's great practice for a full life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 (edited) I would guess the problem is more the self-esteem issues associated with LDs than the actual performance of the younger child. I have one child that really stands out and the others are all happy for him. Between my other children, there seems to only be a problem when one child really struggles with a topic (beyond "normal" difficulties) and another does not. I think this is a general response to the feeling of unfairness. It isn't personal between the kids, more a response to fate. I allow my kids to express the feelings of frustration but not lash out at siblings or make them feel bad. ETA: For my middle two, I use different math programs and avoid allowing them to make comparisons. They are just too close in age to completely stifle that competitive urge. :) Edited November 23, 2015 by MomatHWTK Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I have a similar situation with dd7 and dd9. I was starting to worry about how to handle them as the gap shrinks. Then one day, dd9 told dd7 to hurry up and catch up to her so that they could do their work together! I already teach them science, geography, etc. together. Math and Language are separate because they have to be learned in sequence. I'm guessing that they will be completely together next year. And then dd7 will pass dd9 and I'll worry again... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 "Oldest dd, are you currently doing the best that you can at school? So why should you feel bad about doing your best? If younger dd is doing her best at what she's doing, what does that have to do with you? I want everyone to be giving their very best effort toward school. What that ends up looking like changes depending on the individual gifts that nature gave them. Be the best YOU that you can be. That's all I ask. I think you are a fantastic kid. Academic skills often just depend on a freak of genetics and they have nothing to do with the wonderful person that you are. Do your best. Develop your skills in all areas to the best of your ability and don't compare, my love. Comparison is always the thief of joy. " 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I'd probably also point out that there isn't anything special about being siblings... there are plenty of people who are better at x, y, and z than either kid, and worse at x, y, and z than either kid - why bother focusing on the sibling? It's not like they're likely to be competing for the exact same job etc as adults. Does it suck for something to be harder because of LDs? Sure... but having a sibling without LDs doesn't change that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paige Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 My youngest is overtaking some of the others. We use different curricula so the comparisons are not so obvious and they don't really talk about it. I'm not sure if any of them really know what the other is doing. The different curricula also helps because due to their different interests and abilities, it was a disaster trying to use the same with everyone. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExcitedMama Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 What about talking about how much the younger learns from the older? If you talked it up that the younger is so lucky to have heard the older ones studies and lessons all these years. I know I'm amazed at how much my 3 year old is apparently picking up when I teach DS something. I think the younger ones learn a lot that way. It might help your older daughter feel less frustrated and maybe take some pride in her sibling's knowledge. And sending you a pat on the back for being such a good Mom to worry about this and help your kids. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reign Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 My 7 year old is on level with her older sister who just turned 9. My oldest has ADHD which has meant major impulse and concentration issues. She is only upset when she is left doing her homework for long periods of time after her sister has finished. I try to manage our time so that it isn't as obvious that she works so much longer on the same stuff. It helps that she is very funny and though it takes awhile her writing makes her happy. The one thing I have found helpful is not working on the same assignment at the same time. I stagger their work. Also no one is allowed to answer someone else's questions. Dd7 really works on keeping her mouth closed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIOnly Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 (edited) I make sure to compliment my children who are feeling that way on the things they are good at. And they usually ARE good at most everything, but maybe it's not their strength, you know? My second and fourth sons get math quicker and are more mathy. My second grader gets frustrated because he know the answers to my 4th graders math problems when he's stuck and wants to give him the answer, which I won't let him do! But, my first and third so also are naturally creative and write stories and papers that really draw you in. They put papers on words so easily and it's great. It takes longer and isn't as engaging (of course I don't say that to them!) from my other math-y sons. They write the least amount possible. My other others sons will write more than is required. My first is super athletic, inventive, and creative spinning a great story. My second is math-y and reads more difficult books for fun and if very detailed orientated and a fabulous speller. We talk about differences regularly because they're so glaring, and I think, everybody feels good about themselves not, but that hasn't always been the case. I know your oldest has learning disorders and your youngest gifted so there is quite a difference there. :grouphug: Edited November 24, 2015 by LavenderGirl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 (edited) nm Edited December 2, 2015 by ^ 022 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 .... She is only upset when she is left doing her homework for long periods of time after her sister has finished. ... The one thing I have found helpful is not working on the same assignment at the same time. I stagger their work. Also no one is allowed to answer someone else's questions. Dd7 really works on keeping her mouth closed! Probably our biggest issue is my oldest's frustration with having to spend more time on her homework while youngest is free to play. I do try to make sure youngest is at least not doing something oldest loves to do. Especially watching screens. I try to get her to read or just play quietly with her dolls until oldest is finished. It is hard to find the right balance. Giving youngest much more work to do, just to balance the homework time, doesn't seem right. (I used to do that, but play time is important too, and besides, who wants to fight with an 8yo over a contrived, unnecessary homework assignment?) They have the same school homework, but I try to have them do it at separate times or places so that nobody supplies the answers etc. Youngest knows she is not supposed to answer questions for oldest, but sometimes she does anyway. :/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SereneHome Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Hmmmm.....how do I handle it?? None of my kids' have any kind of LD or other disabilities. My DS2 is reading better in many ways that my DS1. It's not easy. Parenting is not easy. I keep waiting for some kind of parenting manual to show up. I wish it for it on my every birthday when I blow out the candles. So far no such manual has appeared at my door. So.....I am making things up as I go and am saving tons of money for my childrens' future therapy needs. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StillStanding Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Use different curricula. Do not compare. Praise equally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 I don't know. Mine are 18 months apart and Older is good at writing, while Younger is good at math. They constantly compared to each other (I never did) and always used what the other one was good at as ammunition against themselves. It was frustrating and tiresome and only stopped when Oldest started attending school out of the home. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinyhappypeople Posted November 26, 2015 Author Share Posted November 26, 2015 We already use different stuff for the 3 Rs. If nothing else, it's nice to know I'm not the only one :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 (edited) nm Edited December 2, 2015 by ^ 022 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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