Ottakee Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 We got a call last Friday and some paperwork and then a call today from the actual social worker asking us to consider foster (to adopt if it works) a sib group of 3. They are boys ages, almost 7, 8 and 12......grades 1, 3, and 6. They are kids with an extremely traumatic past but see to be doing well. They have been in foster care for 1 1/2 years but are now available for adoption. We were kinda, sorta open to adoption again......thinking 1 child ages 9-12 or so.....not nec. a sibling group of 3. Our kids are all adopted but next week it will be 18 years since the youngest moved in at 2 days old so our core family has been stable for 18 years. We have had about 100 other foster kids throughout the years but most of them were short termers---several weeks to several months until they could go to relatives. The kids MUST be moved by Dec 20 so there is only a short amount of time for the workers to find them a foster to adopt home. We told them that if they find a foster to adopt home by all means pursue that option as to minimize any extra moves. We are considering taking them as foster children and seeing where it goes from there as it would be a HUGE adjustment here. I would have 6 with special needs as our older ones have cognitive impairments and will be with us long term. We hope to meet them this weekend for a few hours and then decide if we want to do a weekend of respite, etc. I am trying to wrap my mind around elementary school and 6 year olds again when our 2 girls are juniors in high school. That would mean walking 2 to school and back each day (possibly a bus drop off as we are only 2 doors down from the school but on a busy road) and 2 other bus pick up times and drop off times.......and kids that couldn't be left home alone without a sitter again, etc. and on and on..........wow Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeLovePassion Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 My friends adopted a sibling group of 6! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I couldn't bear the thought of them being split up. So if it were me, I would say yes. And pray really hard! I hold folks like you in high esteem, Ottakee, opening your home and sharing your lives with these kids who need caring homes. Well done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoseInABook Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 We can't as we're full right now but I'll be praying for these boys. You'll know if they're the right kids for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. It's a lot to take on, but I'm sure you're capable of meeting the challenge. Sending good thoughts your way while you decide! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indigomama Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I think your idea of meeting them and possibly doing a weekend respite sounds good, as long as they are not aware you are meeting them to see about long-term foster adopting. That would put so much pressure on them. Can I ask, why have they been in one home and now have to rush placement of less than a month? That seems kind of odd to me. You sound like you have lots of experience and a kind heart. Please keep us updated, I'd love to hear how things work for you.Best wishes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 Foster family has some personal issues so the kids need to move by the Christmas break. We would start out only as a foster home and be presented that way but we all know how that goes once they get in the door. We aren't looking for perfect kids, just a good fit with the 3 we already have. We want to make sure we could meet the needs of all of the kids as it would be a big challenge. IF we take them, dh and I have said we would accept any and all help offered to foster parents---those free passes for activities, respite, clothing closets, possibly a "big brother" type for each boy, help with transportation, "scholarships" for school activities, etc. These are kids that will need a family but the family will need a village to help raise them. Thankfully right now dh has a job that would allow him to be home by the time the kids get home from school and since he works at the schools he would have snow days, school vacations, summer break, etc. off work. Finances are certainly tighter with this job but we couldn't consider this if dh had a job working 50-60-70 hours a week. This mom isn't that good. My inklings of thoughts of returning to work part time would be gone too....which is fine with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 We've never adopted, but have a fairly permanent placement of a sibling group of 4. If you are wanting adoption advice, clearly I cannot help. If you are wanting family adjustment and logistics advice, I can chat via pm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 Excelsior--thanks. If we do this it will be a huge adjustment. I think we can handle their needs, etc. but it is trying to figure out if it is best for all of the kids and how we would mesh them together..............and honestly how this mom would adjust again to having little ones and loss of freedom. Right now I can leave mine alone for an hour or 2 at a time, head to the barn and do chores without worrying about the kids in the house, etc. So far our kids like the idea. I think it did help that this past summer we had a placement of a 6 year old and 11 year old, both boys. that went very well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 we have just accepted the permanent placement of 3 year old twin boys - that is basically the equivalent of Foster to Adopt in Australia. They have been with us for just over 6 weeks. They have suffered both trauma and neglect and are functioning about 12-18 months behind, with one only learning to walk after being placed with us. It has involved some changes in our life I can tell you- but it is all about establishing new routines. PM me if you would like to discuss it with someone who has just had children arrive suddenly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted November 26, 2014 Author Share Posted November 26, 2014 Our kids are used to kids coming and going, this would just be 3 at a time and most of the time we have had only 1 or 2 and for shorter time periods. Today at dinner we talked some more about it as a family and everyone is on board with meeting the kids and then going from there. I am probably the most hesitant.........but then I know that mom gets most of the work too. Dh is very open to it. He loves to be active with kids and take them biking, to the ymca, to the parks, work with them in the yard, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 Wow! We adopted 2 sib sets, but they were only two each. Our middle daughter came as a single. No advice. I'm not sure what I would do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahB82 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 My dream would be for a young sibling set of 3 girls to fall into our laps in around 5 years when my youngest of 3 boys will be 5. I hope you update us on the situation! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 You'd get adoption subsidies if you adopted, right? That will at least help with the basic financial burden, though I realize that's a small piece of what you need to consider. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 I hold folks like you in high esteem, Ottakee, opening your home and sharing your lives with these kids who need caring homes. Well done. Just this! Wishing you clarity and confidence for your decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeaConquest Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 I hold folks like you in high esteem, Ottakee, opening your home and sharing your lives with these kids who need caring homes. Well done. No advice, but just wanted to agree with this. You are amazingly kind and generous for opening your home and heart to so many in need. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 No advice, but just wanted to agree with this. You are amazingly kind and generous for opening your home and heart to so many in need. Agreeing 1000% with this. I am amazed by how kind and caring you are to so many kids and you can offer even the ones who are with you briefly an example of what life can be like with loving, caring, and responsible parents. All the best to you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 we have just accepted the permanent placement of 3 year old twin boys - that is basically the equivalent of Foster to Adopt in Australia. They have been with us for just over 6 weeks. They have suffered both trauma and neglect and are functioning about 12-18 months behind, with one only learning to walk after being placed with us. It has involved some changes in our life I can tell you- but it is all about establishing new routines. PM me if you would like to discuss it with someone who has just had children arrive suddenly. I must have missed your posts about the new children. I hope they will continue to make progress. Warm wishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted November 26, 2014 Author Share Posted November 26, 2014 Yes, they would have foster care payments at first and then if we did continue with adoption they would have an adoption subsidy and medical subsidy. Due to some special needs there are a few more things we would request and most likely be granted as well. We don't do this FOR the money, but WITHOUT the money we couldn't do it. Just waiting now to hear from the foster mom to see about a time to meet them this weekend and if all goes well, move forward. Then if for some reason it isn't going to be a good fit the worker will have more time to find the best place for them. You'd get adoption subsidies if you adopted, right? That will at least help with the basic financial burden, though I realize that's a small piece of what you need to consider. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMV Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 We are in the process of adopting a sibling group of two (DFD6 and DFD10). We also briefly took a sibling group of four as an emergency placement. We knew when we took them that it was a short period while CP/FS finished getting a more long term option arranged. We did it so they could stay together rather than being split into different placements and because we trusted the organization to follow through and get the kinship placement arranged. We had those children for a few weeks and it was doable because we knew it was finite. I think the experience did show us that having nine dependent children at home long-term would likely be a less than ideal situation for our family. That doesn't mean it wouldn't be a perfectly workable situation for another family with a different composition. I think the key is figuring out what is a workable situation for your family and not being afraid to acknowledge that something is unlikely to be tenable over the long term. I will also share that although we have adopted through foster care we have never really done foster-adopt. The program we foster through actually requires waivers for kids without parental reunification as part of the case plan and we have always taken kids with a goal of meeting their needs in that moment and helping them heal and grow. Sometimes that growth has resulted in them growing into our family. Sometimes that growth has helped them to be successful in a placement that would not have succeeded earlier. Other times that growth, along with some good growth on their parents parts, has resulted in a successful family reunification. I think you know how much DH and I both love DD14, and how at this point we couldn't imagine our family without her, but when she first came to us our goal was getting her health to a point where she wouldn't require a medically fragile special disclosures placement. Excepting the chronic renal issues, which have improved as much as is possible, are being managed, and are likely to be manageable over her life with good care, I think she has gotten there. Of course in the process she also became our daughter and her adoption grew out of that reality. I think it is ok for you and your husband to agree to take these kids as a foster placement, do everything you can to meet their needs now, and let the rest play out as it does. I realize that although your kids are all older they all still have some challenges and will likely need you and DH in their lives much more than many other 18-24 year olds. I sense you don't really know how their needs and the needs of the new sibling trio will mesh and I understand why that might be hard to know unless you have actually try to live a few days of life and see how it plays out. From what you have written I suspect that your organization/agency/CP/FS will not abandon you if this placement doesn't work so I think you have an opportunity to try here. [if I'm wrong about this then I would advise investigating this further and treading more carefully if warranted.] Perhaps it will work logistically, financially, and emotionally. Perhaps a year or two from now you will be posting as a mom of six kids or perhaps a year from now the sibling trio will be in a different forever home and grateful for the family who allowed them a place to be together until they found their forever family. I wish you and your whole family all of the best with this journey. No matter how this ends, I agree with others who have said that it is great you are considering this so carefully and wanting to do what is right for all involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 There was a story on Fox News Channel, I believe it was yesterday, about a couple who adopted a family of 6 or 8 (I think it was 8) siblings. I believe they live in the state of Nebraska. If you even think about doing this, God Bless You for contemplating it. Good luck with whatever decision you make! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted November 27, 2014 Author Share Posted November 27, 2014 Well, we met the boys tonight and talked with their foster parents for over an hour.The boys are very nice and have the potential to do very well. That said, we are not sure they would be the best fit for our family. I really think they would do best as the only or oldest kids in a family. They do very well with younger kids but seem to feel threatened by kids a bit older---esp. as to their place in the family. I could see it working out here for a few months but not long term. We will talk to the worker Monday as ideally they can locate a foster to adopt home for them so they will not have to move again. We might be open to doing respite but likely not long term foster care. Thanks for all of the input. It is so hard to know until you meet the kids. As LVM mentioned above our kids have special needs and will likely live with us long term unless at some point the older 2 move to an adult foster home. We need to keep that in mind as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 Adding 3 at once is tricky because they come with their own existing family culture and dynamics. Sadly, it is easy for larger sibling sets to form an us-against-the-world mindset which can make it hard for them to integrate with the family. I'm glad you were able to meet them before making your decision. Praying for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted November 27, 2014 Author Share Posted November 27, 2014 Adding 3 at once is tricky because they come with their own existing family culture and dynamics. Sadly, it is easy for larger sibling sets to form an us-against-the-world mindset which can make it hard for them to integrate with the family. I'm glad you were able to meet them before making your decision. Praying for you! I think that is exactly the issue where they are now. They are doing well but dont' mesh well with the family's bio kids. Foster are 6, 8 and 12 while bio are 10 and 13 so close ages and lots of competition. I think as the oldest they would feel less threatened by their roles and position in the family. Only might be ideal as well. They are very well bonded and need to stay together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 I think it is harder to bring in three, but obviously possible as we keep doing it over and over (though not currently). And obviously meshing elementary school in with older kids has its own issues. But I think it can be great as long as you can remember the adjustment may take some time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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