BIG, FAT, GIANT rant about...

[Heather in Neverland]

It did not go well.

 

I have to make a decision on this job by Monday. DH and I have really already decided but I needed to tell my mom once and for all. She took it VERY badly. LOTS of yelling, accusations, you name it.

 

She's sorry she wasted her life trying to be a good mother to me.

 

I am foolish and make one poor choice after another.

 

I never listen to her.

 

She knows I will get to Malaysia and call to tell her I made a bad decision and she can't wait to say I told you so.

 

And finally, I am selfish, disrespectful, and don't give a sh-- about anyone but myself. At that point I hung up the phone which is probably the worst thing I could do. She will probably never speak to me again.

 

I tried. I really did. I tried to tell her how I feel, how I just wish she could be happy for me. But I also said a lot of things I have never said before like how I want to live my OWN life, not hers and how she NEVER supports any of my decisions and how upsetting that is to me. All to no avail.

 

It was awful. I cried for an hour until I could barely breathe. I am now going to bed. I am faxing our contracts in tomorrow and I AM GOING TO MALAYSIA.

 

I only wish I could leave tomorrow too.

 

Today just sucked.

[Miss Peregrine]

I'm sorry, Heather. My mom was was very upset by us moving--an hour away!! Sometimes, there is nothing you can do.

 

I am excited for your family!:grouphug:

[Laurel]

:grouphug: I am so sorry. Hopefully she will mellow out a bit after you've moved, and it's no longer something she can control.

 

But I am SO excited for you! What a wonderful opportunity!

[Danestress]

Now that I have read this, I am convinced you just have to go. You just need to let her experience the personal growth that she's going to experience when she doesn't get her way and has to adjust to having you further from her. It's going to be great for you, too, but I am thinking how sad it is for *her* that she's this way - how dysfunctional and emotionally stunted it is. She needs you to go, Heather. She needs you to make her grow up. You love her, she loves you, this fight will blow over. It will. But you don't want it to blow over in a way that leaves you locked in this untenable relationship.

[sleepy]

Oh, Heather. :grouphug: You don't deserve that at all. I hope you know better than to believe a single word she said.

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

:grouphug:

 

I hung up the phone which is probably the worst thing I could do. She will probably never speak to me again.

 

No, it's the BEST thing you could have done. She was being abusive. She will talk to you again. She needs to start with a big apology. You were not and are not in the wrong. It's just very hard for her to take because she's losing control of you, as she should. You're a grown woman who is acting like a grown woman.

 

Today just sucked.

 

I'm so sorry. You did the brave thing though. Imagine your life in one year...happy in Malaysia. Then imagine the opposite, your life in one year if you were still allowing your mom to run your life...not in Malaysia, resentful and regretful.

 

It will get better! :grouphug:

[JoyfulMama]

Heather,

My dh was terrified of telling his mom that he was looking for work across the whole country - he knew she would be upset by the mere thought of him (oh, and us) moving away. And when he had to tell her he was going to accept a job more than 1,000 miles away? Oh my... you'd thought he was saying he was dying, not moving.

She made her comments. She called her aunt and cried to her (at least it wasn't us). And when her aunt had the gall to tell me that it was going to be really hard on dh's mom for us to move, I looked her straight in the eye and said "It'll be hard on us too."

My inlaws did not help us pack - I guess they couldn't bring themselves to help us leave. (And my dh was states away for the whole month before we moved.)

The day my dh left, the hugs his mom and sister gave him brought me to tears. But I knew they would get over it - well, deal with it anyway.

My dh called his mother EVERY week, with no prompting from either of us. He felt it was the one thing he could do to make her feel more connected to us - to him. He shared what he was doing, what we were doing. It worked. Their relationship is all the better for the distance.

We now live only two hours away, and dh no longer calls his mom every week. She feels better now that we are closer. But we didn't come back for her - we almost didn't come here because of her.

Bottom line - she will deal with it. Not only does she have to let you be a big girl, but you have to let HER be a big girl, too.

So GO - yes you will have love in your heart, and sadness at leaving, but don't let that overshadow the excitement of the adventure! :auto:

[1bassoon]

Oh, you dear, sweet woman. . . . .:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am so, so sorry that your mother chose to behave so badly. I'm going to agree with another poster - hanging up on her was probably the only sane thing to do. That was just - wow. Oh wow. I have no words.

 

 

I pray right now that the Lord will minister to your heart. And by His grace, may you be the kind of mom to your kids that you always wish you had.

 

Enjoy Malaysia. You most certainly deserve it.

 

:grouphug:

[specialmama]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Someone said something very wise once... it goes something like "don't look horizontally, look vertically." I believe that to mean that as long as God is pleased with your decision, then that is all that matters. Stay focused on that, that HE is proud of you, and HE is the perfect parent who will not let you down. Hand it over to Him, sister, He can handle it. Bless you as you prepare for you wonderful journey ahead of you. :grouphug:

[Plucky]

Wow. My mom said almost the same words to me 14 years ago and the situation it was over ended up being a great decision for our family.

 

Poor form on your mom's behalf, but she's just really hurt and will miss you. She'll get over it. She will and you will. Give it time.

[Brigitte]

I am so sorry. No one should have to go through something like that. :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[bigdogs29906]

:grouphug:

 

For what it is worth, I think you made a wonderful decision.

[Guest]

oh.my.goodness.

 

Heather - :grouphug: That is terrible! I hope that you will have some peace knowing that you and dh prayerfully considered this choice.

[LG Gone Wild]

Hey,

 

You are going to Malaysia.

[JoyfulMama]

Poor form on your mom's behalf, but she's just really hurt and will miss you. She'll get over it. She will and you will. Give it time.

 

:iagree:

 

 

 

:grouphug: Tomorrow is another day. You have lots to plan for! :auto:

[mommaduck]

Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder...your mother's reaction and accusations sound like a master manipulator at work.

 

(((hugs))) to you, hon.

 

Want to take us to Malaysia with you? ;)

[Catwoman]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry that things went so poorly, but maybe your mom's violent, selfish reaction was just what you really needed to hear, so you now know for sure that this has nothing to do with Malaysia, and has everything to do with your mom wanting to control you.

 

I'm glad you and your DH have decided to go to Malaysia, and that he's very supportive of you, because this thing with your mom is terribly traumatic for you.

 

Eventually, she will want to be friends again. Right now, she's just in a rage because she's not getting her way. She's throwing a tantrum, and you have to ignore it and you have to realize that she doesn't really mean all of the hurtful things she said. She's being childish and mean, and you don't deserve that.

 

You deserve your mom's love and support, and if she won't give it to you, it's not your fault. You need a life, too.

 

Cat

[Mad Jenny Flint]

I have been a fly on the wall, too, watching your Malaysia updates. I think it sounds like a wonderful opportunity for your family, especially since you have shared this information about your relationship with your mom.

 

What I have to say is short and sweet. After many years of a twisted relationship with my mother, I got over that ridiculous need for her approval AFTER HAVING HER LIVE IN MY HOUSE for a YEAR. I no longer fly on guilt trip air, either, and I have become a professional boundary-setter. She's not going anywhere, so I guess I will only get better at this.

 

We all have to find our own way through these weird family relationships that so many of us have. You will find yours.

[Stacia]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

So sorry you have to deal w/ that during what should be a happy & exciting adventure in your lives.

[kellycbr]

Heather,

 

How awful. You've received such great advice here. Approaching her with a loving heart - in time - will help. Take time to also get help for yourself. Having a Mum like this creates many slipped stitches that need time to be repaired.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

Go to Malaysia and keep us posted on your adventure!

[GSMP]

Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder...your mother's reaction and accusations sound like a master manipulator at work.

 

 

 

That was exactly my thoughts also. The behavior and the patterns fit.

 

I am so sorry for you....:grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

You were very brave and when you've finished crying, you'll find you're going to find you're braver than you thought and next time you open the drawer to pull out your big girl knickers, you'll find they've grown lace :)

 

:)

Rosie

Edited March 27, 2009 by Rosie_0801

[mazakaal]

Heather, I missed the thread yesterday, but just wanted to give you :grouphug:.

 

My parents aren't as vocal, but I constantly sense their disapproval of decisions in my life and it is very hurtful. We've been here in England for 8 years and they're still asking when we will move back. When we found out we were pregnant again after #4, they were so upset. I thought, just like you, "We're not involved in some sinful or criminal activity. Why can't they just be happy for us?"

 

Anyway, just wanted to send you some hugs, and tell you that she will probably never be happy about you being in Malaysia, but you need to live your life and try not to let it bother you.

[Kate in Arabia]

Heather I sent you a pm...

[sgilli3]

:grouphug:

 

For what it is worth, I think you made a wonderful decision.

 

Ditto.

 

I'm sorry to hear that your mum didnt take the news well- but for YOU- I am thrilled.

 

Live your life, follow your dreams.

Im really excited for you, and I hope it is everything you hope it will be and MORE!

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

 

I am so very, very sorry your mother has chosen to behave so badly. She shuts down her own options with these choices.

 

I think you have made an exciting choice for your family. You will never, ever regret the perspective this experience will give your children. Good for you.

 

 

These days with Skype and videocams and easy internet and phone service it is completely possible to maintain good relationships no matter the distance. She can also choose to fly in to visit you. If she does not choose these options, or makes life so unpleasant for you that you cannot consider these options, then SHE has made that choice, and SHE has shut down the relationship, not you. It will still hurt, but please just keep repeating to yourself that she is the one making these choices, not you.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[abbeyej]

Oh, ((Heather))!

 

You know, I do *not* think you should assume that your mother will *really* not speak to you again. She's probably just so flipping amazed that after 38 years of obeying her (your whole family moved back across the country because of her badgering?!? that's some power this woman wields!), she's throwing out all her old favorite standbys...

 

But you know what? They just aren't true. You know perfectly well that you do love your mother and care about her and have spent 38 years doing what she wanted you to do. You're a very caring person who has lots of people in your life that you love and nurture and even consider advice from. Your moving will not make your perfectly healthy mother sick. If she chooses to talk herself into some sort of psycho-somatic ailment, then she has made herself "ill" (and yes, I mean those quotes, lol), but *you* haven't.

 

Do you having siblings that you're close to? Assuming you have a halfway decent relationship with them, I think you need to be very open and honest with them right away about what's going on, about how you love your mother, but you've done research and chosen this job opportunity for your family. No need to blame your mom or anything, but when they hear her histrionics, they need to know your calm side of the story as well.

 

And be strong for your husband in this too. He did not marry a ten-year-old girl who has to live in her mother's home. He married an adult.

 

((Heather)), you're doing to right thing. Your mother will get over it. But in the mean time, she should *not* be allowed to hurl abuse at you. And "abuse" is indeed what she was hurling last night. She was throwing out lies and accusations to try to pressure you (an adult! with a family of your own! with a good, strong brain!) into doing what *she* wants with no regard for your welfare or that of your family or the people you could serve.

 

You know that *she* is the selfish one in this, not you.

 

Love her, but do not allow her to control the *next* 38 years of your life or to rant and rave to you when she can't.

[Nakia]

Heather,

I am so proud of you. I wish your mother could see what a beautiful, caring, selfless, loving woman you are. I admire you so very much for all that you've done the past couple of years. You are making God smile.

 

I want to share one of my favorite quotes:

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

- Christopher Robin to Pooh by A.A. Milne

 

 

Love you girl!!

 

MALAYSIA OR BUST!!!

[Heather in Neverland]

So it got worse and then it got better. :001_smile:

 

It got worse because, in my moment of emotional breakdown, I did not realize that my oldest ds could hear the entire conversation (of course he heard, how could he not?). So I find him crying and asking why Grandma doesn't love Alex (our adopted ds). So I had to do so major damage control. But he is OK now.

 

Then, as I was falling asleep, my brother called. He has no idea that I have spoken to our mom or about the big fight. He was just calling to say hi. I did NOT tell him about the fight. It felt sort of like tattling and I don't want to put him in the middle. I DID tell him that we have decided to take the job in Malaysia.

 

And you know what he said? EVERYTHING I wish my mom would have said...everything you ladies have said. It was great and really lifted my spirits.

 

Then this morning I wake up and I feel like I have been hit by a truck. My eyes are puffy from last night and I didn't sleep well. But I walked into the kitchen to get some coffee and there was a note from my dh. On the front it said:

 

Here are the facts:

-You love God

-He loves you

-You have two beautiful sons who love you like crazy

-You have a husband who supports you in this and loves you dearly

-You have friends who all support this decision

and... (I turned the note over)

 

WE ARE MOVING TO MALAYSIA!!!!!!!

 

So I am smiling today even though my heart is still heavy. You ladies have given me awesome advice, perspective and support. You have no idea how much it means to me...really. :grouphug:

 

This morning I opened my drawer to get some clothes out and guess what was inside? You guessed it:

 

BIG GIRL PANTIES. :D

[Nakia]

So it got worse and then it got better. :001_smile:

 

It got worse because, in my moment of emotional breakdown, I did not realize that my oldest ds could hear the entire conversation (of course he heard, how could he not?). So I find him crying and asking why Grandma doesn't love Alex (our adopted ds). So I had to do so major damage control. But he is OK now.

 

Then, as I was falling asleep, my brother called. He has no idea that I have spoken to our mom or about the big fight. He was just calling to say hi. I did NOT tell him about the fight. It felt sort of like tattling and I don't want to put him in the middle. I DID tell him that we have decided to take the job in Malaysia.

 

And you know what he said? EVERYTHING I wish my mom would have said...everything you ladies have said. It was great and really lifted my spirits.

 

Then this morning I wake up and I feel like I have been hit by a truck. My eyes are puffy from last night and I didn't sleep well. But I walked into the kitchen to get some coffee and there was a note from my dh. On the front it said:

 

Here are the facts:

-You love God

-He loves you

-You have two beautiful sons who love you like crazy

-You have a husband who supports you in this and loves you dearly

-You have friends who all support this decision

and... (I turned the note over)

 

WE ARE MOVING TO MALAYSIA!!!!!!!

 

So I am smiling today even though my heart is still heavy. You ladies have given me awesome advice, perspective and support. You have no idea how much it means to me...really. :grouphug:

 

This morning I opened my drawer to get some clothes out and guess what was inside? You guessed it:

 

BIG GIRL PANTIES. :D

 

 

Glad you found them!!!!

 

And girl, hold on tight to that man of yours. He sounds like one in a million!

[JVA]

Your husband is a gem. I'm so sorry your mom hurt you. You'll be a different person next time you talk to her, I bet. I only wish she could be, too. Go love on those boys of yours and enjoy getting ready to go to Malaysia. How very cool! I'm so happy for you about this opportunity!

[Heather in Neverland]

Glad you found them!!!!

 

And girl, hold on tight to that man of yours. He sounds like one in a million!

 

Yeah, he's a keeper. ;)

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug: And Big Congratulations!

 

It is almost embarrassing to admit that my mom is one of those moms who has lived her life through me. I've known it pretty much all along and I have allowed it. I went to homecoming dances and proms with guys I didn't even like because my mom was very poor growing up and never got to go and she got so much pleasure from watching me go. So I put on a happy face, posed for the picture and made her happy. She has the pictures from all my dances and years of cheerelading, etc. set up like a shrine at her house.

 

I am what she is too afraid to be but kind of secretly wants to be. So I think she is both proud and resentful if that makes sense?

 

Part of me wants to say "This is MY life!" But the other part of me loves her and feels badly for her and the things she missed out on so I keep enabling her. Maybe I need therapy.:tongue_smilie:

 

And this is something I am only going to admit once: part of me wants to go to Malaysia so I CAN live my life out from under her microscope. I can't believe I just admitted that. Now I feel guilty and awful.

[Heather in Neverland]

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS (well, at least I can't believe it). My mom just called me. The conversation went like this:

 

me- hello?

 

her- I wanted to raise you to be an independent woman and I think I did too good of a job.

 

me- (long confused pause) Well, they do say you should be careful what you wish for.

 

her- what I meant by independent was educated, capable of earning your own income if necessary. But I didn't mean independent as in far away fom me. You are right. I have kept you from doing a lot of things because I wanted you close to me. But I want you to be happy and I want you to have an amazing experience.

 

me- Ummmm, ok. Do you want my flat screen tv since I can't take it? (she has been shopping for a new tv). :D

 

Seriously, I had NO IDEA how to react. She has NEVER EVER said something like this before. Is this what cutting the cord feels like? Now, I still don't completely trust this. We are not leaving for 3 months and she could very well turn on me again in that time! But it is a step in the right direction, right?

[Nakia]

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS (well, at least I can't believe it). My mom just called me. The conversation went like this:

 

me- hello?

 

her- I wanted to raise you to be an independent woman and I think I did too good of a job.

 

me- (long confused pause) Well, they do say you should be careful what you wish for.

 

her- what I meant by independent was educated, capable of earning your own income if necessary. But I didn't mean independent as in far away fom me. You are right. I have kept you from doing a lot of things because I wanted you close to me. But I want you to be happy and I want you to have an amazing experience.

 

me- Ummmm, ok. Do you want my flat screen tv since I can't take it? (she has been shopping for a new tv). :D

 

Seriously, I had NO IDEA how to react. She has NEVER EVER said something like this before. Is this what cutting the cord feels like? Now, I still don't completely trust this. We are not leaving for 3 months and she could very well turn on me again in that time! But it is a step in the right direction, right?

 

Wow Heather!! That is a blessing. Stay strong, girl. :D

[specialmama]

Wow Heather!! That is a blessing. Stay strong, girl. :D

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Harriet Vane]

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS (well, at least I can't believe it). My mom just called me. The conversation went like this:

 

me- hello?

 

her- I wanted to raise you to be an independent woman and I think I did too good of a job.

 

me- (long confused pause) Well, they do say you should be careful what you wish for.

 

her- what I meant by independent was educated, capable of earning your own income if necessary. But I didn't mean independent as in far away fom me. You are right. I have kept you from doing a lot of things because I wanted you close to me. But I want you to be happy and I want you to have an amazing experience.

 

me- Ummmm, ok. Do you want my flat screen tv since I can't take it? (she has been shopping for a new tv). :D

 

Seriously, I had NO IDEA how to react. She has NEVER EVER said something like this before. Is this what cutting the cord feels like? Now, I still don't completely trust this. We are not leaving for 3 months and she could very well turn on me again in that time! But it is a step in the right direction, right?

 

Praise God. There really is hope here. Truly.

 

Yes it will still be a roller coaster, and yes she will struggle. BUT the important thing is that she loves you. Her love for you is more important to her than "winning" this argument. I'm really glad to hear it.

 

I also think your husband and your brother are great. I am glad they are there for you.

[Stacia]

Yep, it definitely sounds like a step in the right direction.

 

I think your mom will still struggle with this. But, sounds like she's willing to step up to the challenge of accepting this & cutting the cord, so to speak. Hopefully, when it all pans out, you guys will have a better/stronger/more healthy & supportive relationship. AND you will have had your awesome adventure in Malaysia w/ your loving family.

 

:001_smile:

[sleepy]

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS

her- what I meant by independent was educated, capable of earning your own income if necessary. But I didn't mean independent as in far away fom me. You are right. I have kept you from doing a lot of things because I wanted you close to me. But I want you to be happy and I want you to have an amazing experience.

 

 

Ack! I am so glad to hear that, Heather! :grouphug:

 

I bet that call was really hard for her to make, but you deserved to hear those words. :001_smile:

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

Is this what cutting the cord feels like?

 

it is a step in the right direction, right?

 

Yes and yes! :hurray:

 

She may still lash out a few times because she's hurt (um, 17 years later with the Sallie Mae comments here!) but this is a big, big step!!! Be sure to thank her for being so gracious and prompt about mending this fence. It must have been so hard for her!

 

I'm a bit weepy for you! :001_smile:

[Rosie_0801]

Sounds like you've both grown lace on your big girl knickers.

Yay for both of you!

:)

Rosie

[1bassoon]

Wow - what a doozy of a 24-hours, eh?

 

That's great, Heather. Really, really great. I'm SO glad for you!!!

 

My dh might get downsized - so what do you say? Music teacher in Malaysia? :D

[Heather in Neverland]

Wow - what a doozy of a 24-hours, eh?

 

That's great, Heather. Really, really great. I'm SO glad for you!!!

 

My dh might get downsized - so what do you say? Music teacher in Malaysia? :D

 

:D You will be the first to know if there is an opening!!!

[1bassoon]

:D You will be the first to know if there is an opening!!!

 

And then we can trade mother stories, since my only other sibling (brother) is moving to Nigeria with his wife and two boys - next week.

 

Imagine if we headed to Malaysia and took all of her grandkids out of the country! Heh!

[Heather in Neverland]

And then we can trade mother stories, since my only other sibling (brother) is moving to Nigeria with his wife and two boys - next week.

 

Imagine if we headed to Malaysia and took all of her grandkids out of the country! Heh!

 

WOW! He is going there for work?

[Mad Jenny Flint]

I agree with Catwoman and others who indicated that they believe your mom was doing some master manipulation. She was giving it her last best try, and feeling desperate.

 

It would be nice if your mom would come around to be another way that you would prefer. Sometimes that happens, and sometimes it doesn't.

No matter what, you will be okay with the family (dh, dc) that you have.

 

I am so glad you found those big girl panties. Your latest post about finding them brought me a tear. I've found mine, too.

 

Best of luck with all your preparations for your move.

[1bassoon]

WOW! He is going there for work?

 

Yes - he's in international - hmm - development, or something. They'll be in Abuja until Jan. '11. I'd love to visit them - they've lived in Kosovo, Romania, Shanghai, Kabul, and now Abuja. My sil did put her foot down -she said she would no longer move anywhere that ended in "Stan". :D

[Heather in Neverland]

Yes - he's in international - hmm - development, or something. They'll be in Abuja until Jan. '11. I'd love to visit them - they've lived in Kosovo, Romania, Shanghai, Kabul, and now Abuja. My sil did put her foot down -she said she would no longer move anywhere that ended in "Stan". :D

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

Wow, it sounds like he has had a really exciting life. I hope to follow in those footsteps (minus the countries ending in -Stan). :D

[tex-mex]

It did not go well.

 

I only wish I could leave tomorrow too.

 

Today just sucked.

 

((HUGS)) :grouphug: I'm really sorry she didn't take it well at first. But I gotta give you props for standing your ground and saying what you felt. You are not her caregiver or parent... your mom loves you and came around. Just love her like Christ would and overlook the unkind words. Little steps, my friend... little steps and those 3 months will fly by! Best wishes!

Edited March 28, 2009 by tex-mex