Would you want to know if your 12 yo was an impolite dinner guest at someone's home?

[FlockOfSillies]

If it's any consolation, Colleen, I'm 25% Salvadoran, and I don't do much in the way of spicy foods, either.

[Audrey]

I haven't read all the replies, but my ds is 9 and *I* would want to know if he'd been that completely ungracious and obnoxious at your home because I'd want to have a long talk with him about being such a snot.

 

What you served is completely irrelevant, IMO. A guest should have better manners than that.

 

My ds darn well knows that I expect better of him than that. I do NOT put up with that kind of attitude. :glare:

Edited March 6, 2009 by Audrey

[bumbledeb]

Having given it some thought, I think perhaps that it comes down to the difference between bad manners and intolerable behaviour.

 

What is bad manners (and in my opinion should be ignored) in one person's eyes may be intolerable behaviour in another person's eyes and would warrant intervention.

 

The line between the two may be different for different people.

[Punkinelly]

I think I would have whispered in his ear, "Please act your age or leave the table" and then smiled really sweetly afterward. LOL Depending, of course, how well I knew him.

 

If I knew the family catered to the boy's pickiness inappropriately, I think I would mention only that he had a hard time not acting like he was dying. LOL You know, make it humorous, but get the point across. She will not benefit from finding out he acted at your house in a way that is considered acceptable at his own house. ykwim? I think it might just offend.

[hornblower]

Debra, may I just say how much I have appreciated YOUR good manners in this thread.

 

cheers :001_smile:

 

Having given it some thought, I think perhaps that it comes down to the difference between bad manners and intolerable behaviour.

 

What is bad manners (and in my opinion should be ignored) in one person's eyes may be intolerable behaviour in another person's eyes and would warrant intervention.

 

The line between the two may be different for different people.

[Cindyg]

I know this is the end of a very long thread and everyone is sick of it. I read several pages last night, and I really wanted to add one more opinion, just in case anyone is still reading.

 

My son (11) is very, very, very picky about food. If he ate at your house, it might look like we have not "dealt" with it or that we "approve" of it, or perhaps we even "caused" it.

 

On the contrary, we have been struggling with this, literally since his birth. We have spent a small fortune on occupational therapy and nutritional therapy, and we have shed many tears over it.

 

This is not caused by serving processed food at home. It is not caused by lax parenting.

 

If I dropped him off at your house, I would not have warned you that he is autistic or has special needs. (As far as I know, neither is true.) We are working towards normalcy; and at age 11, he would be mortified if I "warned" his friends' parents about him.

 

When I signed him up for camp last summer, I wrote on his about-your-child sheet, "DS is a VERY picky eater. Feel free to encourage him to try new foods, but please DON'T try to force him to eat them. This will not go well."

 

So we sit down to eat and this boy stares wide-eyed at his salad plate. He then asks, in a dumbfounded tone, "What is this?" I stared back at him. "What do you mean, 'What is this?' It's salad." He looks at the plate. Then at me. Then at the plate. I ask, "You don't eat salad at your house?" To which he responds, "Uhhh, not much." ...

 

Ah, okay. I get (kinda sorta) that not everyone eats a ton of salad. No biggie. But seriously. A kid who's nearing 13 years old acting like he doesn't even KNOW what salad is? That's just ridiculous. I said to him in a smiling tone, "Well, you certainly don't need to eat it, but I guarantee you your mom wouldn't be real thrilled about the way you're acting right now."

 

How he's acting right now? Colleen, I love you, but I don't get this. Why did you insert the threat? You think the boy's mom would be "not thrilled" if you reported that he reported that they didn't each much salad at his house? So now he's MORE anxious because you've threatened to report his behavior to his mom. ??:confused:

 

But this boy proceeds to eat his soup in the following manner: Take one small spoonful. Breathe in and out dramatically, fanning face with hand. Take large gulp of water. Repeat. And so on.

 

He didn't cry. He didn't insult you or your cooking. He didn't say the food looks like dog poop. He didn't refuse to eat. He didn't say, "You're not my mom! I don't have to obey you!" He's coping. What on earth is the big deal?

 

So that's my question. Would you want to know if your child ~ not a small child, but one nearing 13 ~ behaved like this?

 

I would be VERY PLEASED to hear that my son ate a few bites of soup in that way at your house.

 

(The first time someone reported to me that he tried pizza, tears literally sprung to my eyes. I'm sure she thought I was insane. It was HUGE to our family.)

 

Your guest's eating issues may be every bit as severe as my son's (even if his mom didn't tell you that, and even if his mom isn't aware of it). You assume he acted the way he did because he is spoiled. It could be that he handled the situation in a very mature way for his development level.

 

Colleen, you are normally so "to each his own," I'm surprised that this reaction stunned you so.

Edited March 6, 2009 by Cindyg

[bkpan]

I haven't read all the replies, but my ds is 9 and *I* would want to know if he'd been that completely ungracious and obnoxious at your home because I'd want to have a long talk with him about being such a snot.

 

What you served is completely irrelevant, IMO. A guest should have better manners than that.

 

My ds darn well knows that I expect better of him than that. I do NOT put up with that kind of attitude. :glare:

 

:iagree:

[Audrey]

I

My son (11) is very, very, very picky about food. If he ate at your house, it might look like we have not "dealt" with it or that we "approve" of it, or perhaps we even "caused" it.

 

 

 

 

Okay, I can understand that your son has legitimate food issues, and I sympathise with that. But, I have to say that I am surprised you would NOT let a potential hostess know that.

 

Colleen went OUT OF HER WAY to make food that her family doesn't normally eat, but which was, in her opinion, closer to what she anticipated this kid might eat.

 

And then he puts on a whole drama about it. Puhleese!! That's rude.

 

And IF he had food issues, and the mom made no mention of it, then I'd be insulted if I were in Colleen's shoes. Some people take a bit of pride in their cooking and to go out of your way for someone and then to receive that kind of attitude about it is hurtful to the hostess, insulting and rude.

 

You said that you made a note to the camp people that "ds is a picky eater..." That was a very polite and helpful thing to note. Why would you NOT mention it to any other host who was going to feed your child? What else should the host think when your child refuses food or expresses a less than gracious response to it?

 

I'm not saying you should announce it loudly in front of your child, but a simple, polite, quiet acknowledgement to the hostess that your ds has an issue with new foods would be a very helpful thing indeed.

[Cindyg]

since I suspected he wouldn't be an adventurous eater, I made a point of not using "mixed greens" for the salad, and of keeping the soup simple (imo).

 

Several places in this thread you've mentioned that the soup was simple. I just want you to consider that for a child with food issues, there is no such thing as a simple soup. It's wet. It's combined. One can't identify all the ingredients. Even if one likes all the ingredients separately, once they are combined into a soup, it's automatically difficult.

 

But neither should I make something separate for him. I wouldn't do that for my own child and not for a minute would I expect anyone to do it for me, much less my child. The meal is what it is.

 

If it were my child, I would not expect you to prepare him anything special. I would just wish that you wouldn't escalate the situation. That would be enough.

 

Honestly, reading this thread, I'm led to wonder if there aren't a preponderance of picky eaters who frequent this board.

 

I don't think it's the moms so much as the moms' kids. There ARE a lot more kids with food issues than in the old days. Same as there are more kids with autism, ADD, peanut allergies, etc. I don't know what's causing it, but we have a lot more kids with issues than we used to.

 

I've never had an issue with food ~ from "plain" fare to that which strikes me as out-of-the-ordinary ~ served to me at someone else's home, and as far as I know, no one has had an issue with what I've served. There's an abundance of wonderful foods available to us in this world and I'm happy not to have narrow tastes ~ and that the people with whom I share meals don't have narrow tastes, either. Again, I'm not referring to people with special dietary needs, or those who prefer to avoid meat, etc. I'm talking here about people who refuse to break out of the box in terms of what they consume.

 

Same here. My husband and I are NOT picky eaters, and my child was gestated and nursed on a huge variety of incredible, organic foods, same as your kids were. But for some reason, as soon as he was ready for solid foods, we had this eating problem. :confused:

Edited March 6, 2009 by Cindyg

[Laurie4b]

This is a minor issue really. What's the big deal? I would have told my friend what we served and what the reaction was because I would want to be told, especially if I asked. But it wouldn't have been a big deal to me.

 

I would also have translated "not an adventurous eater" very differently and bean soup and salad wouldn't have been what I served. For most kids, that would mean a recognizable meat, vege, grain, etc. or a common type of sandwich. The issue of hot and spicy or bland isn't what most people are referring to. Cow stomach is rather bland, and I did eat it at a home where it was served recently, but it is something rather adventurous if you actually have to look at it while you eat it. It was a sacrifice to serve it to me where I was, so I got it down. Actually, I probably would have asked what he did like to eat as soon as I was told he wasn't adventurous, and yes, I would have prepared him a pb&j or something else. No skin off my teeth to do that and not my business to enforce my children's rules for eating what they are served on a guest.

 

 

 

I am primarily interested in kids and adults who come to my home (whether stopping in or not) feeling welcomed. I always ask kids if they like what we're having and do prepare alternatives for guests even if I would require my own kids to eat it. I'm will enforce rules protecting people and belongings at our home, but food? Nope. None of my business for one and way too minor to concern myself with.

 

I have 3 children who would pretty much eat anything served and one who would not have been able to get the food down. He does have sensory issues and has so many things to overcome that forcing particular foods isn't a battle I've chosen to fight. I've taught him just to say, "No thank you." He would have eaten the roll and been embarrassed (for leaving it), sad (because people DO look down on this), and hungry. That's just the way it is for him. I don't ask people to cater, but I'm sure he appreciates those who are understanding.

 

I, on the other hand, cannot stand carbonated drinks, even as an adult and used to almost gag when served Coke at birthday parties when I was a kid. I so longed for milk or even water with my cake and was too embarrassed to ask. I'm sure if I had most mothers would have been happy to get me an alternative drink. But any kind of request like that wasn't allowed at my home, so I didn't do it elsewhere.

[HeartIntact]

I keep the smallest size jars store brand HFCS-laden peanut butter and jelly for guests. I will not purchase perishable white bread for kid guests unless there will be a big group of them who can finish off the bread. It is whole grain or nothing. I usually have raw carrots and broccoli on hand and maybe some fresh fruit. I keep a bottle of store brand Ranch dressing for all ages of picky eaters. That is about as far as I am willing to go to accomodate them.

 

My youngsters are trained to politely decline offers of food if they are not willing to take a chance on whatever might be served. I have had kids turn up their noses at what I have served but I never gave it a second thought. One of our guests was truly unaware that pizza could be made at home from scratch.

 

What does annoy me are people who have hosts and servers painstakingly spell out ingredients in every item served. I have no basis for this quirk because there are physical conditions that warrant the questioning. My inner witch wants to admonish those people to pack their own chow.

 

I suspect that a lot of this picky eating business is the result of living during a time of record agricultural yield.

[Erica in PA]

I think I would have whispered in his ear, "Please act your age or leave the table" and then smiled really sweetly afterward.

 

Wow, I can imagine how devastated I'd have felt as a child if an adult treated me that way!! It reminds me of the dad of a childhood friend who was constantly trying to get me to say "may" instead of "can". He made me feel about 2 inches tall.

[Catherine]

probably not going to achieve your end.

 

If you're trying to ensure he'll never come again, and think of you with discomfort and fear, then go for it.

[Murphy101]

Wow, I can imagine how devastated I'd have felt as a child if an adult treated me that way!! It reminds me of the dad of a childhood friend who was constantly trying to get me to say "may" instead of "can". He made me feel about 2 inches tall.

 

I tell my kids very matter of factly they may eat with manners of leave the table. None of them have ever acted devastated by it.

 

This is a minor issue really. What's the big deal? I would have told my friend what we served and what the reaction was because I would want to be told, especially if I asked. But it wouldn't have been a big deal to me.

 

I agree. I wouldn't have made something else, but I wouldn't have made a big deal either. laugh it off kind of remark if any.

 

Thing is I don't think Colleen did make a big deal of it.:confused:

It seems like she sincerely thought he was being snarkily dramatic and very simply and calmly pointed out that his mother probably wouldn't be happy with him behaving that way. a fairly gentle reminder to settle down a bit, imo. I don't percieve it as threatening at all.

 

big whoop.

 

I would also have translated "not an adventurous eater" very differently and bean soup and salad wouldn't have been what I served. For most kids, that would mean a recognizable meat, vege, grain, etc. or a common type of sandwich.

 

Come on! Seriously folks?! This is a 13 yr old kid who doesn't know what lettuce looks like? Really? Even if his parents don't serve it at home, I'm fairly sure our culture hasn't gotten so junk crazed that the kid hasn't ever seen lettuce before and soup before, on tv if nothing else. I think it's fair to say that soup and salad is recongnizable for most folks. I can't think of a single culture that doesn't serve some form of soup or salad.

 

I don't think Colleen was wildly out of line to presume that he had enough of a passing awareness of salad/soup for her to think he was being sarcastic/dramatic to act as though he'd never seen it before, even if he had never eaten it.

 

I, on the other hand, cannot stand carbonated drinks, even as an adult and used to almost gag when served Coke at birthday parties when I was a kid. I so longed for milk or even water with my cake and was too embarrassed to ask. I'm sure if I had most mothers would have been happy to get me an alternative drink. But any kind of request like that wasn't allowed at my home, so I didn't do it elsewhere.

 

:iagree:well at least on this we can agree. I hate anything with bubbles and have never served it to my kids. My kids on the rare occassion they've tried it - didn't like it. We are milk and water drinkers here. ONce in a great while we'll drink real orange juice. (NOT sunny d or whatever gunk - ug that stuff is nasty!:tongue_smilie:) I have 3 that will only drink water. And it ticks us all off when people INSIST we have/try pop. They are very rude about it and refuse to believe the kid(s) are sincerely just wanting water or milk. It's like they are dealing crack or something and need a new addict to get money rolling in, "here! just try it! everyone likes pop!". One lady was annoyed because it meant my kid would be dirtying ia glass instead of just taking out a can of pop to drink from.:glare:

 

you might have hit a sore spot for me here.;)

Edited March 7, 2009 by Martha

[Erica in PA]

I tell my kids very matter of factly they may eat with manners of leave the table. None of them have ever acted devastated by it.

 

 

 

Surely you can see the difference between you telling *your own children* that, and correcting someone else's child in that way. :confused: There is an enormous difference there.

[Ria]

Surely you can see the difference between you telling *your own children* that, and correcting someone else's child in that way. :confused: There is an enormous difference there.

 

Nope. No difference here. Ds just had a birthday party. At one point, I looked up to see kids flicking food at one another. Excuse me? Food flying in my home? No way. I looked them straight in the eyes and said, "In this house the food stays on the plate or in the mouth."

 

Being a guest does not mean one is given free range to act in whatever manner one chooses.

 

Ria

[Murphy101]

Surely you can see the difference between you telling *your own children* that, and correcting someone else's child in that way. :confused: There is an enormous difference there.

 

in what manner?:confused:

simply saying that it's a requirement to use manners at the table is somehow devastating?

oh please.

 

now I might not say those exact words the first time because that could be too vague for a kid not in the know yet. I'd probably start with, "We don't share fart, booger, or poop jokes when eating. It's rude to discuss something that disgusting when people are trying to enjoy their meal."

Then if they did it again, I'd kindly and firmly say, "You may use manners while at the table or you may be excused from the meal."

 

I've never had a kid act devastated or even bothered by this.

They just take note and we all move on.

No big deal.

fart/booger/poop boy just said, "okay, I'll tell you later!"

 

Nope. No difference here. Ds just had a birthday party. At one point, I looked up to see kids flicking food at one another. Excuse me? Food flying in my home? No way. I looked them straight in the eyes and said, "In this house the food stays on the plate or in the mouth."

 

Being a guest does not mean one is given free range to act in whatever manner one chooses.

 

Yep. :)

[Cindyg]

You said that you made a note to the camp people that "ds is a picky eater..." That was a very polite and helpful thing to note. Why would you NOT mention it to any other host who was going to feed your child? What else should the host think when your child refuses food or expresses a less than gracious response to it?

 

Because the camp had to feed him for a week, and because I would not be there to intervene for a week. I would not want meal-time trauma to be his main experience at camp.

 

My memory is that the mom did warn Colleen that the child was not an adventuresome eater. That seems "warning" enough for a Sunday afternoon.

 

There are several different issues here: Should we be shocked that some children don't eat soup and salad? That's one issue. (Count me in as not shocked.)

 

A totally different issue is whether the reaction that Colleen reported was rude, or as you said, "a whole drama." Asking "What's this?" Fanning his face? Saying "not much" in answer to "Don't you eat salads at home?" I don't even think that would have registered with me. Shrug.

 

The original question was should Colleen tell the mom. I'm always happy to get a report on what my kid does when I'm not around. But I would not consider this a bad report. I'd be delighted to hear that he tried her soup!

[Colleen]

When my kids have friends over, I don't see these kids as my guests. They are my kids' guests. I am feeding and entertaining the kids on my dime as a favor to my child. While I can be fun and warm with kids I enjoy, I don't feel compelled to put up with nonsense I wouldn't tolerate from my own kids. I would also hope that my friends would correct my own kids if the situation warranted it.

 

Bingo. Send your kids on over, girlfriend. And then I'll send mine your way. We're on the same wavelength.

[Lovedtodeath]

Deb, I hadn't read the thread before I posted. I agree with you. Pointing out someone's bad manners could cause them humiliation. I would not want to do that to any guest, especially a twelve year old. It is always bad manners to point out someone else's bad manners. All the comparisons to hitting dogs and jumping on furniture do not apply to table manners that are not destructive or hurtful. I am sorry you have had such a bad reaction to this idea.

[Colleen]

My memory is that the mom did warn Colleen that the child was not an adventuresome eater. That seems "warning" enough for a Sunday afternoon.

 

As I've said before, I was "warned" of nothing. Nor would I expect any warning, quite frankly. This boy happened to come home with us after church, and even if I were his mother, I wouldn't have thought to mention anything about his eating habits ~ unless he had honest-to-goodness dietary restrictions. I knew NOTHING beforehand of his preferences. As I said in my original post, I had a hunch this child wasn't going to be a diverse eater. ("Had a hunch" = I was guessing) The comments noted in the final paragraph of my OP were shared after the fact; I apologize for not clarifying that from the get-go.

 

Having said all that, even if I'd been told beforehand that he isn't an adventurous eater, I wouldn't have changed a thing because imo, the meal offered is not adventurous. I understand that you disagree. (As an aside, we're going to his family's home this Sunday and his mother plans to serve homemade soup.) Clearly, any two people may disagree about the "challenge" presented by any meal. But at some point, the chef makes choices. My question never revolved around the food served because I am totally comfortable with what I served. I realize it may not appeal to everyone, and I would certainly never force anyone to eat it. I was specifically addressing his reaction, which as far as I'm concerned was inappropriate.

[newbie]

Wow, I can see this was probably controversial, I could be wrong, because I didnt read through twenty something pps.

 

But, to your OP, yes I would want to know if my child was rude in anyone's home. I think it is a big deal, and needs to be addressed as such.

 

This reminds me of recent incidence w/niece, she did something that floored me, but her mother thought it was nothing. She received no consequences. It was smoothed over like icing. Now, how will the child ever know it was wrong, and how to make some action right in the future.

[Peela]

I havent read the whole thread, but I must admit I don't "expect" kids to be particularly polite much. Unfortunately. But in a way, that's not their fault because its becoming less and less a part of the culture.

 

For some reason my son- who is not beyond being quite rude to me at home regarding food, since he is very fussy- is very polite at other peoples' homes. His friends' parents actually tell me he set a good example to their kids, he is so polite, and I believe he actually does know how to behave. My daughter is a little less ...um, perhaps manipulative is the word? My son is polite so that he gets invited back. My daughter presumes she is loved and adored anyway and is just herself, which is loving and friendly and sometimes thoughtlessly impolite. OK, that's my quirky kids.

 

But recently my son had his best friend, a farm boy, over for a weekend, and no, this kid was not polite. We, like Colleen, are regular partakers of food such as tofu, but this kid was used to very plain, meat and potatoes fare and had previously barely eaten when he spent time with us, and commented to his mother it was good to get back to her home cooking. She told me that- and I didnt mind her bluntness because she was being matter of fact about the fact we ate different styles of food. We are friends and often joke about her country ways (things like naming their cows Lunch and Dinner and after a year, slaughtering them for the freezer. Makes us city folk cringe. ). So I try and feed this kid the type of food he will eat. But this last time, he ate- it wasnt an issue- but he barely looked at us or talked to us- my dh and I- the whole weekend. It was like he had suddenly become a moody, sullen teenager who hated adults- wheras before he had been open and friendly.

 

I didnt tell his mum- even though my dh said he didnt really want the kid back in the house,and that upset me somewhat. I didnt know what to say to her. She has already told me he has become more difficult for her. I didnt want to tell her that it was actually unpleasant to have her son that weekend. I hope it was just a phase.

[Erica in PA]

Nope. No difference here. Ds just had a birthday party. At one point, I looked up to see kids flicking food at one another. Excuse me? Food flying in my home? No way. I looked them straight in the eyes and said, "In this house the food stays on the plate or in the mouth."

 

Being a guest does not mean one is given free range to act in whatever manner one chooses.

 

Ria

 

That is apples to oranges, Ria. Of course there are times when you need to set some rules for guests in your home. Obviously there are times when you need to correct other people's children. No one said, "Being a guest does not mean one is given free range to act in whatever manner one chooses"-- that is a straw man.

 

I said that the specific way that Puinkinelly suggested speaking to a guest who was a child would have devastated me, if the parent of a friend spoke that way to me. I think it's wrong to be that harsh with other people's children, in a situation that does not require it, ie., this one. I didn't say that any correction at all, in any circumstance, would be wrong. :glare:

Edited March 7, 2009 by Erica in PA

[Erica in PA]

in what manner?:confused:

simply saying that it's a requirement to use manners at the table is somehow devastating?

oh please.

 

 

 

What Punkinelly suggested saying was demeaning. I would never allow my children, even though they are generally well-behaved and well-mannered, to go a home where they might be spoken to in that way, for such a minor infraction. I hope you are just responding this way because you want to back up your point, and not because you actually treat children this way.

[Murphy101]

What Punkinelly suggested saying was demeaning. I would never allow my children, even though they are generally well-behaved and well-mannered, to go a home where they might be spoken to in that way, for such a minor infraction. I hope you are just responding this way because you want to back up your point, and not because you actually treat children this way.

 

oh for goodness sakes..

 

it is not demeaning or harsh to tell a child that if they refuse to use their manners then they need to leave the table.

 

that is just absolutely ridiculous to think that something that basic is in any way demeaning.

 

I'm not yelling at them, being sarcastic, or treating them like poo in any way whatsoever by saying that very basic manners are required.

 

and I wouldn't say it for something like eating with their mouth open or elbows on the table. but being overly rude, esp after being asked to stop already? yes, I'd tell them exactly what I wrote. And it's rare that I have to say it at all, to mine or to another's.

[Lovedtodeath]

I gave my husband a run down of the OP and he said that he would not consider the child's behavior rude. I guess tone would have something to do with it though.

 

And on the soup... there are quite a few people that I know who refuse onions and/or any kind of beans altogether, no matter what the rest of the dish is like.

[Erica in PA]

oh for goodness sakes..

 

it is not demeaning or harsh to tell a child that if they refuse to use their manners then they need to leave the table.

 

that is just absolutely ridiculous to think that something that basic is in any way demeaning.

 

I'm not yelling at them, being sarcastic, or treating them like poo in any way whatsoever by saying that very basic manners are required.

 

and I wouldn't say it for something like eating with their mouth open or elbows on the table. but being overly rude, esp after being asked to stop already? yes, I'd tell them exactly what I wrote. And it's rare that I have to say it at all, to mine or to another's.

 

You do realize that I'm referring to this specific situation? And to a specific response that another poster said that she would use? Your responses don't seem to apply ("being overly rude," "after being asked to stop already?" etc.) The situation was a child who did not like the food on the table. Also, it was a child that the OP did not know well. He did not hide his feelings about the food well enough to be considered polite. Leaning over and whispering into his ear, "Act your age or please leave the table," and following it up with a sweet smile, was the suggested response. That, specifically, is what I have been addressing in all of my posts. I have never said that a guest should never be corrected, or that children should just run rampant with misbehavior. If you think that is an appropriate response in this situation, then we simply completely disagree. However, I stand by my assertion that that specific response, to this specific situation is far too harsh, and would mortify many a well-meaning child. Twenty five years later, I still vividly remember those critiques of my grammar that my friend's father gave me as a child. It's not ridiculous or outrageous to say that it was devastating to me.

 

I'm done rehashing this, as it is far to beautiful a day outside here to sit and quibble over this situation.

[gandpsmommy]

And I would hope that she (and I, if I'm in this position) can invite him over often and open a whole new world of possibility for him. Gently correct the drama, perhaps. Maybe with a little humor, or with a word to her older sons to sorta "coach" him beforehand.

 

I'm a believer that unless the kid is a true bad character influence on my child, being the human instrument of grace and salt and light in a child's life is a good, good thing. I'm certainly grateful that there were adults who looked past my amazing limitations (I couldn't cut meat with a knife before I was 15 -- didn't know how to hold the utensils) and my lack of verbal self-control (I meant well, just didn't have it all figured out yet) and loved me into their normal families anyway.

 

I lost one of my substitute parents this week. I'll never forget the love and genuine acceptance that family showered on me when I was not really worthy. And as I recall, one of their grown daughters gave me a talking to once about wasting food! I was 16 at the time. I'm glad they didn't just decide behind the scenes to quietly ban me or speak to my mother about my poor choices. And remembering back, I learned to cut meat properly with a sharp knife at their dinner table on a Sunday afternoon when I was 15.

 

Anyway, just another perspective.

 

Pam, I wish there were still a way to give good rep. I very much appreciate your perspective and input. What a lovely, gracious, and useful way of looking at the situation.

 

And Colleen, we eat salad quite frequently in our family. In fact, my 5 year old is the biggest fan, the one asking me to buy Napa and if he can eat it as a snack. We also eat mostly whole wheat bread, hardly ever white, and both of my children would have loved to have a whole wheat roll with dinner. They both would have probably been taken aback by the soup, however, as they aren't fond of beans. We've only had bean soup a few times because it's just not something most of the family enjoys. Having said that, I think that both of them, at ages 5 and 7 would have understood that it would be polite to try the soup and not make a big issue of it. So, I can understand why you would be shocked that a nearly 13 year old didn't know as much. I do think, though, that it would be nice to look at the situation as an opportunity to be kind to the child, give him the benefit of the doubt, and not make a huge deal of it. I most likely would not follow up with the mom. It really sounds to me as if the child just wasn't accustomed to having the kind of meal you served, which I have to admit doesn't sound like the typical fare most of my children's playmates have for dinner, and wasn't sure how to deal with it. I think it would be hard to come across as anything other than judgemental if you approached the mother about it. But that's just my very humble opinion. :001_smile:

[FloridaLisa]

You know I'm really surprised at the reactions and those who would expect a 12-yo to eat what you served, whether they liked it or not. Adults can do that or should know how to handle that situation. Kids may not. And I, as the hostess, would not have threatened to tell the parent or required the child to eat it. Yes, it would be polite to try it. Yes, it would be polite to eat it as best as you can. But, I don't have those expectations of *kids.* It just wouldn't bother me, unless the child said something really rude. In fact, I have one especially close friend whose children are picky and Iive offered to make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I mean, he's a guest in my home and it's not that big of a deal to me.

 

Lisa

 

ETA: I've hopefully trained my kids to eat a meal when invited and thank their host/hostess. Our rule is to eat what is served. But my kids are used to our style of food and food preferences and I wouldn't expect that of other kids. Anyway, casting my vote for not telling the mom.

Edited March 8, 2009 by FloridaLisa

[Danestress]

I would want someone to let me know, and I imagine my friends would do it in a way that was sort of joking, but still let me get the idea that my child acted like the food was weird. I wouldn't want a serious, "I need to talk to you" type phone call, nor do I think one is necessary. But if you are friends with the Mom, you could rib her a bit about this. If you aren't already friends with her, I wouldn't mention it.

 

I would be horrified if my child acted that way, and yes, we eat all kinds of green leafy things in this household and would not consider the meal you served odd at all. I am not someone who has managed to get anywhere close to a whole grains, organic lifestyle, and sometimes the posts about food on this board make me feel really guilty. But salad? I give baby field green salads to pretty much every house guest I have. Some kids don't eat it all, but none act like it's weird food that they don't recognize.

 

But honestly, if you gave my kids fermented soybeans for dinner, I would want them to grin and say, "Yum, fermented soybeans" and try to eat a bit. To me it's the rudeness issue, not the food preference issue, that I would be bothered by.

[katilac]

the thread that wouldn't die! :lol:

 

Danestress said: But honestly, if you gave my kids fermented soybeans for dinner, I would want them to grin and say, "Yum, fermented soybeans" and try to eat a bit.

 

That's what we all want, of course. This kid didn't say yum but he did, indeed, try to eat what he clearly didn't care for.

 

You know what I keep thinking about as I read the varied responses? The Tom Hanks movie, Big.

 

When a 12 yr old's wish to be 'big' comes true, he is thrust into the grownup world with all his tween boy sensibilities intact. In one of the funnier scenes, he samples an appetizer at a fancy party. Tom Hanks is brilliant as his facial expression moves from anticipation to 'ewww, gross!'

 

It's a great scene, one of many that shows the gulf between adult and kid behavior. Josh isn't trying to be rude in any way, but his effort to be polite here mostly consists of making sure he uses a napkin when he spits out the offensive appetizer, :tongue_smilie:.

 

((the other thing I thought about is that, every time one of us is on here complaining to other wtm'ers about some kid, that kid is probably having a corresponding discussion on facebook! dude, can u believe that weird dinner miss kat served?))

[fivetails]

 

((the other thing I thought about is that, every time one of us is on here complaining to other wtm'ers about some kid, that kid is probably having a corresponding discussion on facebook! dude, can u believe that weird dinner miss kat served?))

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

(and I remember that scene from Big! Good movie. :D )

[LisaNY]

Haven't read all the replies but I'd probably say nothing unless he was coming again, and then say something like "Better pack him a sandwich, he's not a big fan of my cooking." and leave it at that. Let her draw her own conclusions.

 

I sure wouldn't have let it ruin my meal, it's his problem, not yours.

 

Yep! I would have done that old note to self: "Hmmm...weird, rude kid. Probably not a good idea to have him over for dinner again." LOL

[mamalotsoftots]

YES i sure would. ;)