need advice on dealing with a "princess"

[hsingscrapper]

I need help. I'm at the end of my rope with my sis-in-law. I know you can't help a food intolerance if you have one. Her daughter has the same problem. They're both gluten intolerant. I thank heaven for small favors that they don't have full-blow celiacs.

 

I can see making some concessions on Sunday dinner but I don't think it gives her the right to act like she needs preferential treatment on everything. I guess I'm just a little frustrated as she was gleefully handing out GF cookies to my nephew but gave my oldest son grief for wanting one and gave me grief and said, in a positively snotty way, that she couldn't have the regular dessert. I understand not being able to eat the dessert.

 

I'm probably not making sense but I'm just frustrated and really wanting to tell her to get over herself but not wanting to rock the Sunday boat.

 

All three families converge on my empty-nester in-laws house every Sunday for dinner. The kids play and we usually have a good time. She's just really getting on my nerves today for some reason.

 

Just had to vent but I'd love some advice on how to NOT let her get on my nerves.

 

Heidi

[Aggie]

It sounds like it may be something else going on, not just the cookies, right?

 

FWIW, our ds has some food allergies/intolerances and we make special food and dessert just for him. No one else gets any. At all. But I'm not a princess!:001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm sorry that it was a stressful situation for you.

 

From the perspective of someone who has had to deal with food-sensitivities. Those cookies are more expensive than "normal" ones. I could see wanting to dole them out to only those people who absolutely need them. Also - when so many treats are off limits - it helps to think of your treat as being special just for you. It's a psychological thing!

 

Of course I wasn't there and didn't hear/see her "gleefully" handing out cookies - (maybe she was trying to hype it up for him so he wouldn't feel so left out)?

 

And I didn't hear her giving your nephew grief. I agree that a gentle - "these cookies are expensive (or the only ones I have left) and I need to keep these just for us" would probably be best. And I hope that in that situation that you would have backed her up.

[Blessedfamily]

My dd had more than I could count, and getting her alternative food was very expensive.

 

When my niece and nephew were around, I gave her a snack discreetly and gave them something else. I wasn't being stingy, but we had to pay a lot and go to a store far away to get a decent selection of things for her to eat.

 

However, from the fact that you say you're at the end of your rope, it sounds like there's more going on than just cookies.

[hsingscrapper]

I guess there are other things.

 

Going out to eat for example. Ideally, I'd love just once for her to wait until the server comes to ask about substitutions (like leaving the bun off a burger). Instead, she carries on about all of her preferences concerning things having to be cooked this way and that or they don't taste right.

 

I guess my issue is with her being an exceptionally picky eater. I was never allowed to be that picky. There were two foods I couldn't get down for the life of me as a child and my mom worked around that. You'd laugh at me if I told you what they were but now I can tolerate them. Beyond those two items, I was told to eat it and be grateful (accompanied by the starving third world child lecture).

 

It's one thing to be picky. It's a different thing to be constantly carrying on about it. It just drives me nuts and they're letting their daughter be picky, too.

 

I just don't know what to do. I have a hard time dealing non-allergy related food pickiness. Or maybe it's a hard time relating to it.

 

It could be the way I was raised and it could be that I'm the weird one?

 

Heidi

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think you need a break from food-related activities with your sister! Do activities with her instead. And if snacks or a lunch need to be involved - have everyone brown-bag it.

[AuntieM]

saying about picky eaters. There are many of those in our extended family, yet my kids eat almost anything. I have stopped catering to the purely pickies, it was driving me crazy and blowing my grocery budget. I just bring whatever dh requests to family gatherings and if they choose not to eat it, well, more leftovers for us.

 

But food ALLERGIES are a different matter. We totally respect that, and would not have a problem with our kids being asked not to share any specially prepared foods. In our case (with extended family) we just have to forgo nuts, so no one needs a truly special meal, but I understand the time and expense involved in providing a restrictive diet.

[Hen]

I have a relative, who is hard to be with, she is very dramatic about how hard her life is (it's not, they have a lot of money and she has a lot of help and perks) and she dominates every conversation all about herself, and she decides she has certain ailments and tells you all about it...like low blood sugar, intolerances, it's always something.

 

 

It helps me to hear/see Mrs. Bennet from Pride & Prejudice when I am with her, then I can just kind of laugh at her quirkiness later by myself. She can be very kind and is very intelligent and loves to help you research things..so I try to remind myself of those things, and I try to limit my contact- not a whole day with her, maybe go talk to someone else the first change I can gracefully...

 

I know that sometimes it just gets really hard.

hugs to you:grouphug:

Edited February 2, 2009 by Hen Jen
spelling

[Blessedfamily]

I think Jean may be on to something.

 

You know, your SIL (from what you've said) reminds me of my BIL. He is a very picky eater. He says it's because his mother doted on him and never made him eat anything, and always fixed whatever he wanted.

 

He has lactose intolerance, so my sis is used to making accomodations for him. However, many of the accomodations have nothing to do with lactose intolerance. He simply loves being catered to and says so.

 

It used to bother me a little. In fact, I was posting some incidents to illustrate this, and it got on my nerves just typing it so I won't. If that's how they do things, that's fine for them.

 

I decided to focus on the other parts of our get-togethers. For the meals, we always include lactose free food that we know he eats. If she wants to cook two meals because he wants his chicken fried instead of baked that's fine, really. I don't do it, but she can.

 

When they come to my house, if she wants to go out to the Chinese Restaurant and get some packets of soy sauce for him because the kind from the grocery isn't the same, go right ahead.

 

Uhh well..... you get the point. What Jean said. Focus on different types of outings.

[Kanga]

My dd is gluten intolerant and my oldest ds is lactose intolerant, but few people know, and even fewer people know that I am handing out gluten and lactose free food to their children when I serve my kids. I don't want their food intolerances to be who they are, IYKWIM? It is a small part of who they are, and it is very easy to work around. No matter where we go to eat there is usually something they can enjoy. Even dessert, but I always ask if I can bring something to share when we are invited over to a friend's house. I don't say why. When I have friends over I serve gluten free food without announcing it. If someone asks for a recipe where I made a substitution I fess up, so they won't wonder why there's tastes different when they make it with flour. So I get REALLY annoyed when people come into my house and are dramatic about there food sensitivities! I had one acquaintance throw a fit and have her husband confront me over putting a butter sauce on vegetables. I admit that it looked like butter, but it was an orange ginger sauce and thickened with potato starch flour. I was livid; she could have asked politely how I made the vegetables or she could have skipped that vegetable dish and opted for another one that I served. She did not need to make all of the guests feel uncomfortable with her little self-induced drama.

 

Now, I will step off of my soap box.

 

You could beat her at her own game by making gluten-free food that everyone can eat. Pamela's Pantry makes really good gluten-free cake mixes. They cost about twice what a normal cake mix costs, but IMHO they taste way better! Plus they offer losts of variations that are also tasty. You can also look up gluten-free recipes online. This is cheaper for me, but would probably cost you more as you would have to buy GF flour and that would be expensive initially.

 

ETA: The reason I do not discuss ingredients with my dinner guests is not so that I can quietly poison them with rice flour! I ask everybody about food allergies/intolerances and dislikes when they RSVP. This allows me to plan my menu to avoid anything that would be dangerous to my guests and provide substitutions/alternatives and do my best to provide food that my guests will enjoy. I do not discuss all of the ingredients in detail because that is not normal behavior (at least in my social circle).

Edited February 2, 2009 by Kanga

[abbeyej]

Yeah, it can be tough to see someone calling their pickiness a "medical" issue, when clearly it goes far beyond that. I have one child who has a number of true food allergies, and I do have to work around him. If he's going to a birthday party, I check with the hostess about what food is being served, and bring acceptable alternatives for him as necessary... If we're at a restaurant, I do often have to ask about ingredients or request minor concessions be made.

 

But all that said, I try to put out our hostesses and waitresses as little as possible while still insuring ds' safety.

 

Seeing someone take the opportunity to make it "all about them", regardless of the alleged excuse, can be really frustrating. Even someone who is normally compassionate about food issues (or whatever) can be driven to the brink when what's really going on is someone just taking the opportunity to suck attention and energy from the room.

 

I'm really sorry...

 

Maybe a previous poster was on to something in picturing that type of relative as an Austen character, lol. ;) Perhaps if you could just start to see some of her behaviors as amusing character quirks, they'd be *slightly* less maddening?

[ereks mom]

I have a relative, who is hard to be with, she is very dramatic about how hard her life is (it's not, they have a lot of money and she has a lot of help and perks) and she dominates every conversation all about herself, and she decides she has certain ailments and tells you all about it...like low blood sugar, intolerances, it's always something.

 

 

 

Sounds like one of my SILs. She gets on my nerves because she is one of those people who thinks it's all about her. Over the years, I've learned to deal with her -- well, most of the time I do pretty well ;). Honestly, I feel sorry for her because she has this strange need to be the center of attention. Her parents doted on her because she was their only surviving child; their first child died at age 18 months way before my SIL was born. She was the center of their world, but they babied her to the point that she has no self-confidence at all. Sad. Just sad.

[Remudamom]

It's too bad she acts that way, but it's her problem, don't make it yours. Just shake the dust off girl.

[Danestress]

She is what she is. Her pickiness isn't a reflection on you and while it seems odd to me in an adult, you aren't going to change it so better just to laugh inside about it and not allow it under your skin.

 

I have no food issues and I'm not picky, but I certainly see why she didn't want to share the GF cookies with other kids. I have one child in my Sunday School who has Gluten intolerance as well as some other food sensitivities, and when I shop for treats he can eat, it's really expensive!

 

She's family. Just try to love her for who she is. YOu will be happier that way.

[hsingscrapper]

After thinking about it on the ride home, I've figured out what my real issue might be with her.

 

It's because she never, ever, ever shuts up about it when food comes up. Like if my other sil and I are discussing a recipe that couldn't possibly be altered, she has to go and turn the conversation to her.

 

I think that's what really bugs me about the whole thing.

 

What do you think?

 

Heidi

[Blessedfamily]

After thinking about it on the ride home, I've figured out what my real issue might be with her.

 

It's because she never, ever, ever shuts up about it when food comes up. Like if my other sil and I are discussing a recipe that couldn't possibly be altered, she has to go and turn the conversation to her.

 

I think that's what really bugs me about the whole thing.

 

What do you think?

 

Heidi

 

I think she wants some attention.

[Amber in SJ]

Just for clairification: You said she was handing out GF cookies to your nephew, but gave your son grief for wanting one, correct? But she and her daughter are the ones who are gluten intolerant? So she was sharing the GF treats with one child who doesn't require them, but not the others? That would bother me.

 

It sounds like your SIL's condition makes her feel special or unique, so she wants to play it up. She may want others to feel symapthy for her or comiserate with her on how difficult things are for her. If I was forced to spend time with her I'd try to find something she was good at, ask her to provide it & give lots of praise. In the case of a family dinner it could be a food item or ask if she will bring a game the group could play. Maybe she could help provide a craft for the kids to do while dinner is being prepped or even flowers from her garden for the table. Then let her know how delicious the food was or how fun the game was or whatever would be the correct response to what she provided. That might give her enough of the spotlight to make her ease up on the food drama. Redirection & praise. It works for toddlers, why not for those who act like them.

 

Amber in SJ

[Rebecca]

I am going to jump in here on this one- you didn't really give enough info. for me to understand...but I thought I would share this little offering...

 

Having a food issue/situation is really stressful. It could just be an emotional response for her that her life is different and she has to experience the consequences of that. No- it is not okay to dominate life/conversations about it. However- sometimes it is really, really hard for people who don't deal with this type of issue to understand how it can change your whole life.

Who wants to have to go to a restaurant and analyze every single thing in order to ensure that you have a safe meal. No one I know! But people have to do it for their health. It stinks at times. Maybe if some of your family could offer a little compassion- she might tone down the "need for attention."

 

Shopping for special food is really, really expensive. Having to deal with food substitutions is really, really frustrating at times. Sometimes food honestly doesn't taste good made the intolernace, allergy way. Sometimes you really, really do wish you could eat Aunty Betty's awesome chocolate cheesecake made with flour and cream cheese and not your own corn flour/soy substitution or whatever...

 

One of our children has food allergies that TOTALLY changed our life. It was/is hard. It was scary. Allergies are not the same as intolerances- but never-the-less- you can't eat the food and sometimes that really stinks. It really does.

 

As for the person who cooks food and doesn't tell people that it is not a butter sauce when it masquerades as one. In my opinion- that is not cool either.

 

I also agree with the person who said that you should get some not food related activities/experiences going. Maybe that will help you connect again- and lower the level with this other stuff.

 

Rebecca

[angela in ohio]

It sounds like your SIL's condition makes her feel special or unique, so she wants to play it up. She may want others to feel symapthy for her or comiserate with her on how difficult things are for her. If I was forced to spend time with her I'd try to find something she was good at, ask her to provide it & give lots of praise.

 

BINGO! This is very wise insight and a very loving approach.

[Kanga]

 

 

As for the person who cooks food and doesn't tell people that it is not a butter sauce when it masquerades as one. In my opinion- that is not cool either.

 

 

 

 

For clarification:

 

There is no way that an orange ginger sauce would ever mascarade as a butter sauce!!! I was being generous when I said that it was a similiar color as orange juice is slightly yellow. My point was that if she thought there was a contaminant in my food she could have asked or eaten something else (I always have several vegetable dishes because we have friends who are vegetarians) instead of being a drama queen.

[hsingscrapper]

For the record, my mil has gotten better at using the GF flour on items for Sunday dinner or other family gatherings where we know she'll be there. I defended her at first because no effort was made.

 

When I or my other sil brings something, we either bring two versions or make something that doesn't require anything with gluten or msg (she's allergic to that). I can't always afford two versions so I skip the trouble stuff altogether as the special stuff is out of my budget. So, I do try my best to accomodate her where it really counts. The last time my sil brought the meat, she brought plain chicken for sil and niece and baked it with Italian dressing and pre-fab chicken kiev for everyone else.

 

It's times like tonight when my nephew who doesn't "need" anything special (except maybe a diet, but that's another story) gets cookies and she bites off the heads of everyone else. I can see her wanting to save the cookies but then she shouldn't have shared it with anyone but her daughter and maybe her dh.

 

I hope this makes sense. I hope it clarifies things. It's not making accomodations for her that bothers me. It's when she gets picky and mouthy about things that, in comparison to the allergies/intolerances, don't really matter.

 

Heidi

[Mommyof4ks]

For the record, my mil has gotten better at using the GF flour on items for Sunday dinner or other family gatherings where we know she'll be there. I defended her at first because no effort was made.

 

When I or my other sil brings something, we either bring two versions or make something that doesn't require anything with gluten or msg (she's allergic to that). I can't always afford two versions so I skip the trouble stuff altogether as the special stuff is out of my budget. So, I do try my best to accomodate her where it really counts. The last time my sil brought the meat, she brought plain chicken for sil and niece and baked it with Italian dressing and pre-fab chicken kiev for everyone else.

 

It's times like tonight when my nephew who doesn't "need" anything special (except maybe a diet, but that's another story) gets cookies and she bites off the heads of everyone else. I can see her wanting to save the cookies but then she shouldn't have shared it with anyone but her daughter and maybe her dh.

 

I hope this makes sense. I hope it clarifies things. It's not making accomodations for her that bothers me. It's when she gets picky and mouthy about things that, in comparison to the allergies/intolerances, don't really matter.

 

Heidi

 

You and the rest of your family are trying to accommodate (and spending extra money to do so), and then she gets agitated at your son for asking for one of her expensive cookies? It does sound like she is angry about her situation. I can relate in that my son has a compromised immune system, and food must be cooked and cared for a certain way to minimize germs/bacteria and at first it was very frustrating (no normal care of food is not good enough for him). We are two years into this now, and we have gotten used to it and do our best to work around 'public' situations, but at first it was hard.

 

Maybe she needs to talk about how frustrated she is sometimes, but I agree Sunday dinner is not the time nor the place for this. Has anyone asked (at a time other than Sunday dinner) if this is hard for her? Perhaps someone just to listen to her and understand that this is hard for her would help? Of course we all have 'issues' and we have to learn to deal with them, and hopefully she will figure out how to make peace with this soon.

[Starr]

Our friends are always happy to share their gluten free foods. I don't really think sharing one cookie will break the bank. She needs to accept the allergies as a matter of life. I would tell my children not to ask for or pay any attention to her food. Maybe not getting attention will stop the drama. These family things are so difficult at times. I'm sorry.

[Lovedtodeath]

I am going to jump in here on this one- you didn't really give enough info. for me to understand...but I thought I would share this little offering...

 

Having a food issue/situation is really stressful. It could just be an emotional response for her that her life is different and she has to experience the consequences of that. No- it is not okay to dominate life/conversations about it. However- sometimes it is really, really hard for people who don't deal with this type of issue to understand how it can change your whole life.

Who wants to have to go to a restaurant and analyze every single thing in order to ensure that you have a safe meal. No one I know! But people have to do it for their health. It stinks at times. Maybe if some of your family could offer a little compassion- she might tone down the "need for attention."

 

Shopping for special food is really, really expensive. Having to deal with food substitutions is really, really frustrating at times. Sometimes food honestly doesn't taste good made the intolernace, allergy way. Sometimes you really, really do wish you could eat Aunty Betty's awesome chocolate cheesecake made with flour and cream cheese and not your own corn flour/soy substitution or whatever...

 

One of our children has food allergies that TOTALLY changed our life. It was/is hard. It was scary. Allergies are not the same as intolerances- but never-the-less- you can't eat the food and sometimes that really stinks. It really does.

:iagree::iagree:

 

Here's another angle: you say that she goes on and on about how hard life is for her. I used to do that. Usually if I do it is because I feel like I am being judged and I have to explain how hard things are in order to prove my self-worth. Example: I miss more religious meetings than I attend and I am usually late. So I go on about how DS hurts my back... yada yada yada. I really grumbled a lot when I had Post Partum Depression.

 

My Grandma is really annoying with food. My romaine salad will hurt her stomach, but she will eat iceberg. My chicken sandwich is too greasy, but bacon and eggs is just fine. It gets annoying sometimes, but you know what? She is lonely. Her DH abused her and she raised a handicapped kid that she got pg with as a young teenager. She has had a hard life. She is lonely. Anyway... my point is that fellow feeling goes a long way. If you try to understand the other person you start to find that their faults are easier to deal with.

[Parrothead]

You know, if this is the 1st conversation about her dietary problems or even the 5th or 6th, I'd let it go. Once the comments start getting up into the 20th, 50th or 100th time she has brought up her needs, I'd have to look her in the eye and say, "Yes, we are all well aware of your issues." Then turn away and go do something else. Once she realizes that she is no longer getting positive attention from being "different" the drama will stop, at least where you are concerned. And make sure you smile when you let her know that you know she has issues.

 

As for the cookies, start bringing your own. Make them special at grandma's cookies or something. Let your kids know they should come to you for cookies and not to share ever with the cousins. Just tell them the cousins could get very sick if they eat regular cookies.

[Tap]

It sounds like she is so wrapped up with constant thoughts about food, that she always has it on her mind.

 

Maybe next week, be prepared. Jot down some topics and every time she starts to talk about food...change the subject. At dinner, whip out a box of 'topic starters', and bring some fresh air to the table. http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=table+talk+cards&tag=googhydr-20&index=aps&hvadid=1144337321&ref=pd_sl_h33u2urgz_b

prescreen and remove any food based questions :0)

 

Each time she starts to repeat food conversations...say "oh, yeah you said that last week too...it must be hard" and change the subject.

[Lovedtodeath]

It sounds like she is so wrapped up with constant thoughts about food, that she always has it on her mind.

 

Maybe next week, be prepared. Jot down some topics and every time she starts to talk about food...change the subject. At dinner, whip out a box of 'topic starters', and bring some fresh air to the table. http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=table+talk+cards&tag=googhydr-20&index=aps&hvadid=1144337321&ref=pd_sl_h33u2urgz_b

prescreen and remove any food based questions :0)

 

Each time she starts to repeat food conversations...say "oh, yeah you said that last week too...it must be hard" and change the subject.

 

Really great thought and idea tap!! It is true that sometimes when someone is having to follow a special diet all they ever think about and do has to deal with food, whether they like it or not. And I think your way of handling it is a good one.