Is it me?

[SKL]

About him apologizing on and on and on ....

Am I the only one who feels like this is controlling behavior on his part?

Obviously you will feel kinda bad that you made him snip and then have to apologize all day.  You will try harder not to do the thing that made him snip.

Just say "there's nothing to apologize for, we were both just tired and the moment has passed.  Let's let the moment pass and move forward."

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

But honestly, in the moment.  I don't KNOW that.  I know that looking back now.  But in the moment, not so much. I don't know how to instantaneously know what I want if that makes sense. 

That comes as you learn to be self-aware.  I grew up in a family where emotions/desires/everything had to be suppressed - which meant they only came out when they erupted.  It wasn't pretty. 

After I escaped, I had to start paying attention to what I was feeling.  It was a process to learn to be self aware of what my body was feeling/needing so I could deal with it in a timely and healthy way. whether that be sleep or food, or a hug.   I still need to do it sometimes - i'll go after carbs/sugar when what I really need is a nap.  (but when you have little kids . . . . you can't leave them unattended.)

eta: some of the process and how I learned.
what did I feel just before?

what did I feel 10 seconds before?

5 minutes before?
10 minutes before?

I learned to recognize the signs my body was giving me BEFORE.
yes, I can still be caught off guard.  No my dh is never going to wear hearing aids (he claims he doesn't need them.  yeah, right.  then why did the audiologist give them to you?), yes I'm going to be irritated he doesn't hear me unless I speak loudly and over enunciate my words . . . 

Edited May 7 by gardenmom5

[PeterPan]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

He would be appalled.  he does not expect that at all.  

So you expect him to read your body signals and know what you need. Sometimes men, either through personality or business or distraction or whatever DON'T notice our needs, which means, as the others are saying, you have to prioritize that communication so you don't get to that point. You can't just go along passively and get overhungry, overtired, and then not like what happens. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, SKL said:

About him apologizing on and on and on ....

Am I the only one who feels like this is controlling behavior on his part?

Obviously you will feel kinda bad that you made him snip and then have to apologize all day.  You will try harder not to do the thing that made him snip.

Just say "there's nothing to apologize for, we were both just tired and the moment has passed.  Let's let the moment pass and move forward."

It isn't controlling. It is his personality.  For example, when he feels like he has made a mistake, he will revisit it OVER  and OVER and OVER.  He doesn't move forward very well.  He is still beating himself up for not being a good enough father.  We had that discussion AGAIN over the weekend. 

[fairfarmhand]

2 minutes ago, SKL said:

About him apologizing on and on and on ....

Am I the only one who feels like this is controlling behavior on his part?

Obviously you will feel kinda bad that you made him snip and then have to apologize all day.  You will try harder not to do the thing that made him snip.

Just say "there's nothing to apologize for, we were both just tired and the moment has passed.  Let's let the moment pass and move forward."

 

Just now, TexasProud said:

It isn't controlling. It is his personality.  For example, when he feels like he has made a mistake, he will revisit it OVER  and OVER and OVER.  He doesn't move forward very well.  He is still beating himself up for not being a good enough father.  We had that discussion AGAIN over the weekend. 

This can also be anxiety. Rooted in perfectionism.

[SKL]

Just now, TexasProud said:

It isn't controlling. It is his personality.  For example, when he feels like he has made a mistake, he will revisit it OVER  and OVER and OVER.  He doesn't move forward very well.  He is still beating himself up for not being a good enough father.  We had that discussion AGAIN over the weekend. 

But look how it's consuming your time and emotions today.

I don't know what you all talked about over the weekend, but he really needs to learn to let the past be in the past.

You know how they say, if this isn't gonna matter in 5 years, don't spend more than 5 minutes worrying about it.

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

 

This can also be anxiety. Rooted in perfectionism.

Yes, I would say he has deep anxiety.  Always has.  But when he went to a counselor, it didn't help because to the outside world, what did the counselor say, "Can you explain to me how you are anxious because it feels like you are almost on weed and you are just so incredibly calm."  My best friend says, when he talks to you you can feel your blood pressure go down.    No one else sees it but me. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, SKL said:

 

I don't know what you all talked about over the weekend, but he really needs to learn to let the past be in the past.

You know how they say, if this isn't gonna matter in 5 years, don't spend more than 5 minutes worrying about it.

But that is HIS reactions.  I cannot control his reactions. I cannot fix them.  

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, TexasProud said:

But that is HIS reactions.  I cannot control his reactions. I cannot fix them.  

You are correct. And you need to feel comfortable pointing out when he starts obsessing over things that can't be changed.

"Look, You apologized about last night. You're not perfect, I'm not perfect, it was just a little spat. Please stop perseverating on it because then, you'll have to apologize for apologizing so much. It's enough ,It's fine. Let's talk about something else." And then just look at him impatiently like "I thought we were over this." when he brings it up again. I don't engage on perseverating. It's frustrating to me.

[SKL]

Just now, TexasProud said:

But that is HIS reactions.  I cannot control his reactions. I cannot fix them.  

OK but can you ask him to not drag you into it by apologizing all freaking day?

"It's in the past, really.  Let's think of something positive to focus on."

[TexasProud]

25 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Ok…my dh often has struggled with this same kind of thing. He’s in charge of several hundred people at his work. If he says to do something they say yes sir. Feelings are irrelevant because they’re there to get the job done.
 

he has historically Had a hard time with family because they DO have feelings about stuff. They’re not employees. They’re not robots getting paid to check their feelings at the door. 
 

I bet your dh is the same. That’s what made him good at his job (like my dh) the ability to check feelings and makes decisions in the moment. But I’m his WIFE. He’s supposed to care about my feelings to a certain degree. If he can’t handle that some days I’ll have feelings that will conflict with his, he’s got to come to terms with that. Doesn’t mean you’re wrong or he’s wrong. You’re just different. You are a grownup able to still do things even when you don’t feel like it and so can he.

Yeah, that is not him.  He is the one that when he was working was the peacemaker.  He is the one who kept the other docs from killing each other, who fixed all of the office drama.  I once heard him tell a story about a mistake that happened in the OR.  He told the story such that he made the mistake.  The nurse later told me that SHE was the one who made the mistake, but that is his personality.  The buck stops with him.  An error, a bad outcome..all his fault.  Even if a patient was walking on a leg or going against medical advice, somehow he didn't tell them strongly enough or he should have known in advance or whatever. He cared way, way, way too much about his patients. 

[fairfarmhand]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yes, I would say he has deep anxiety.  Always has.  But when he went to a counselor, it didn't help because to the outside world, what did the counselor say, "Can you explain to me how you are anxious because it feels like you are almost on weed and you are just so incredibly calm."  My best friend says, when he talks to you you can feel your blood pressure go down.    No one else sees it but me. 

He wears a mask. And since you live with him, you're one of the few who sees it slip. A good counselor would have teased it all out. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

He wears a mask. And since you live with him, you're one of the few who sees it slip. A good counselor would have teased it all out. 

Honestly, I have yet to find this so called good counselors all of you talk about.  They have all been completely useless. 

Honestly, when I ask for help. I never get it.  EVERY SINGLE TIME.  I don't know how you guys get it.  For example, when my mom was dying of stage 4 breast cancer and I was in the middle of my internship.  I had really listed WAY too many things for me to do: Planning a churchwide devotion, filming, editing it, doing Juneteenth stuff, AEP stuff.  I mean that should have been enough.  But I had put down a podcast and a 31 day devotion as well.  I went to my supervisor asking if I could just drop the devotion down to the 25 I had done and not do the 31 day.  She said, I could just squeeze it in while waiting for my mom's procedures and stuff in the hospital.  

Like freaking really????  

But that is the story of my life. I sucked it up. Got it done. Graduated with honors. But it really doesn't matter if I ask for help. I never get it. 

[Clarita]

35 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, it is the feeling thing.  I have been reading Jennie Allen's book about untangling your feelings and have been trying to figure that out.  Because when I was a kid, first of all, feelings were terrible because my parents screamed at each other and/or were violent with each other. So, any time an argument or I start to feel mad, I typically squelch it very, very, very quickly.  Or when I did get out of control as a kid, I was sent to my room and couldn't come out until I could come out with a smile on my face.  So yeah..

Like I said there's no real concrete indication either of you are abusive. Then the question is why are you guys acting like you are in an abusive relationship. 

So you seem to be exploring that. Your reactions may be rooted in old abuses. Since you say you think you have a good relationship help him explore why he is also acting like he's in a abusive relationship. Abusers have moments of being super ridiculously doting and sacrificing (or "sacrificing"); it's how they keep their victims. It's one of the ways they lure their victims and keep their victims in the abusive relationship. So, why is he doing that if he's not doing the abusive stuff. 

[prairiewindmomma]

11 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yes, I probably do.  I mean at the smallest change in a facial expression that signals displeasure. 

Yup.
 

Disassociation Made Simple by Jamie Marich might be a good read.

I would also read about “fawning” and see if you think you have that behavior. Complex Trauma: from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker might be helpful. 

[Chris in VA]

Oh gosh, honey, that's an awful burden to put on each other, expecting to live up to some impossible "Christian" standard. Or holding the opinion that good Christians are always virtuous. The goal is not virtue, the goal is dependence on Christ. "Be ye perfect" is better translated, "Be ye whole," and that implies we are not until we let Christ fill the gaps. 

My husband thought anger was a sin for the longest time. I think he's better, now. But that meant never expressing anger, so it came out in other ways--stuffed feeling either seep out in other ways or turn to a poison that numbs your heart and makes awareness of feelings difficult. 

Sounds like both of you need to do some work around safety, self-awareness, and past trauma (small t). 

[TexasProud]

4 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

He wears a mask. And since you live with him, you're one of the few who sees it slip. A good counselor would have teased it all out. 

Oh, and he had me come to every single one of his counseling sessions.  He didn't want to go without me.  He said he had nothing to hide and he did tell him everything he told me.  The counselor just didn't have a problem with it...  Nor did he raise a question about why I needed to accompany him to HIS counseling sessions.  I have always gone to mine alone and don't tell him what I discussed. 

[TexasProud]

4 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Yup.
 

Disassociation Made Simple by Jamie Marich might be a good read.

I would also read about “fawning” and see if you think you have that behavior. Complex Trauma: from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker might be helpful. 

Thanks.  I put them in my Amazon cart.  Edited to add: They will be here Thursday.

Edited May 7 by TexasProud

[SKL]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

Honestly, I have yet to find this so called good counselors all of you talk about.  They have all been completely useless. 

Honestly, when I ask for help. I never get it.  EVERY SINGLE TIME.  I don't know how you guys get it.  For example, when my mom was dying of stage 4 breast cancer and I was in the middle of my internship.  I had really listed WAY too many things for me to do: Planning a churchwide devotion, filming, editing it, doing Juneteenth stuff, AEP stuff.  I mean that should have been enough.  But I had put down a podcast and a 31 day devotion as well.  I went to my supervisor asking if I could just drop the devotion down to the 25 I had done and not do the 31 day.  She said, I could just squeeze it in while waiting for my mom's procedures and stuff in the hospital.  

Like freaking really????  

But that is the story of my life. I sucked it up. Got it done. Graduated with honors. But it really doesn't matter if I ask for help. I never get it. 

I've been in this situation lots of times.

Honestly, when you need something, you don't ask for it.  You take it.

Instead of "could I just do a little less," say "a conflict has arisen and I need to reduce the number of xyz I will produce by [date].  I will deliver ___.  I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause."  Maybe suggest a solution if that isn't too much of a burden.  "Maybe Jan, Jean, and Jenny could each submit 2 to fill the gap." 

And I know this is hard (for me too), but we need to figure in unexpected delays when we commit to things.  It may sound crazy, but in my experience, things take me 3x as long as I think they are going to take.  (Obviously this means I am bad at predicting, but also, life is full of surprises.)  If I don't adjust for this, I will end up forgoing sleep AND failing to deliver (which happens all too often, but I'm working on it!).

[TexasProud]

Just now, SKL said:

I've been in this situation lots of times.

Honestly, when you need something, you don't ask for it.  You take it.

 

Well, that works in the work situations you describe, but as a student...  I mean, yes, I could have just not done it anyway and get a B and be done with it.  But I wanted the A+ and thought that everything I was already doing should have gotten me that.  I mean another student "only" did a podcast.  And yes, totally on me.  I should not have done it. But I wanted the A+.

[Chris in VA]

24 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

It isn't controlling. It is his personality.  For example, when he feels like he has made a mistake, he will revisit it OVER  and OVER and OVER.  He doesn't move forward very well.  He is still beating himself up for not being a good enough father.  We had that discussion AGAIN over the weekend. 

I found this interesting description. Not trying to play diagnostician! Just thought it worth a ponder. https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/common-fears/excessive-apologizing-ocd

[TexasProud]

7 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

Oh gosh, honey, that's an awful burden to put on each other, expecting to live up to some impossible "Christian" standard. Or holding the opinion that good Christians are always virtuous. The goal is not virtue, the goal is dependence on Christ. "Be ye perfect" is better translated, "Be ye whole," and that implies we are not until we let Christ fill the gaps. 

My husband thought anger was a sin for the longest time. I think he's better, now. But that meant never expressing anger, so it came out in other ways--stuffed feeling either seep out in other ways or turn to a poison that numbs your heart and makes awareness of feelings difficult. 

Sounds like both of you need to do some work around safety, self-awareness, and past trauma (small t). 

 

8 minutes ago, Clarita said:

Like I said there's no real concrete indication either of you are abusive. Then the question is why are you guys acting like you are in an abusive relationship. 

So you seem to be exploring that. Your reactions may be rooted in old abuses. Since you say you think you have a good relationship help him explore why he is also acting like he's in a abusive relationship. Abusers have moments of being super ridiculously doting and sacrificing (or "sacrificing"); it's how they keep their victims. It's one of the ways they lure their victims and keep their victims in the abusive relationship. So, why is he doing that if he's not doing the abusive stuff. 

His family is about as perfect as perfect could be.  His parents didn't argue.  They were always sweet and nice.  Their home was my safe place.  I slept so much there when we were first married and after we had kids because I could relax and let my guard down there.  His dad sent me care packages with cookies he made and such in college when I was just dating and then really for the rest of our marriage.  One of our kids would get a package of goodies or he would see a chocolate cookbook he thought I would like and would send it to me.  His sisters and their families are absolutely wonderful.  I adore our family get-togethers. We always spent them at his family rather than mine because you never knew who would be angry or in a tizzy at mine. 

[SKL]

A pattern I notice with your posts might be related to why your husband isn't getting the help he needs.

Often, your post starts with "I have problem X."  Others will suggest ways to deal with problem X.  But then you counter with, "actually I don't really have problem X.  Why does everyone think that?  I never do X.  My husband never does X.  Everything is actually perfect, and yet, it's not, but it is, and I'm bad for thinking it's not."

If that's what's happening in counseling sessions, I can see where it would be hard to address that productively.

There really is something wrong with a person apologizing all day long for saying "OK fine I'll do it."  That is a concrete event that happened and isn't OK.  A counselor should be able to deal with that concrete reality IMO.

[TexasProud]

Just now, Chris in VA said:

I found this interesting description. Not trying to play diagnostician! Just thought it worth a ponder. https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/common-fears/excessive-apologizing-ocd

That sounds exactly like my husband.  He doesn't sleep well at night either because he worries so much. 

[Chris in VA]

It's not bad to argue. And you don't know what happens behind closed doors. But I do hear you. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, SKL said:

A pattern I notice with your posts might be related to why your husband isn't getting the help he needs.

Often, your post starts with "I have problem X."  Others will suggest ways to deal with problem X.  But then you counter with, "actually I don't really have problem X.  Why does everyone think that?  I never do X.  My husband never does X.  Everything is actually perfect, and yet, it's not, but it is, and I'm bad for thinking it's not."

If that's what's happening in counseling sessions, I can see where it would be hard to address that productively.

There really is something wrong with a person apologizing all day long for saying "OK fine I'll do it."  That is a concrete event that happened and isn't OK.  A counselor should be able to deal with that concrete reality IMO.

Oh, I think there is a problem.  I never said there wasn't.  And I have taken several pieces of advice.  Well, if you can find me such a counselor, please find me one. 

[Chris in VA]

I wish there was a hug emoji. 

[fairfarmhand]

52 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 

His family is about as perfect as perfect could be.  His parents didn't argue.  They were always sweet and nice.  Their home was my safe place.  I slept so much there when we were first married and after we had kids because I could relax and let my guard down there.  His dad sent me care packages with cookies he made and such in college when I was just dating and then really for the rest of our marriage.  One of our kids would get a package of goodies or he would see a chocolate cookbook he thought I would like and would send it to me.  His sisters and their families are absolutely wonderful.  I adore our family get-togethers. We always spent them at his family rather than mine because you never knew who would be angry or in a tizzy at mine. 

I'm not saying their home wasn't lovely. I'm sure they were/are wonderful people.

But, not having occasional spats isn't exactly normal. Perhaps they were all very mellow calm, loving folks. Or, it's also likely that nobody had a paradigm for how to have a disagreement. And so they swallowed their feelings. And it's possible that they were able to handle swallowing their feelings so they didn't suffer resentment. But that's not the norm for the majority of people.

Your dh probably doesn't have much of a framework for handling disagreement because of how he grew up. So that's a place where he needs to grow and learn. How to be ok when someone is annoyed with you. How to handle your own failures. How to accept that sometimes we're going to screw up and hurt one another.

For instance, my dh can get annoyed because I don't want to work cattle on a particular afternoon (this happened last week) He wanted to tag the calves and I had just pulled a chicken pot pie out of the oven, I had 40 minutes before I had to leave to take ds to Tae Kwon Do and we were all hungry. I said "No I don't want to do that now. We have to eat and get ds to tkd soon and I don't want to rush, get covered in manure, and try to scramble to get it all done." I don't know if he was irritated or not. (I think he did sigh. LOL) But his request was reasonable and so was my reaction. He wanted to do it, and couldn't do it alone and it didn't happen when he wanted to because I wasn't willing. But, how he handled it was on him. I was not tied up in knots over it. He could get resentful and I could move on in life. (He didn't get resentful, or if he did, he got over it pretty quickly)  Nobody apologized for anything. We both had different priorities and that was fine. It's a part of life. 

 

As far as counseling, I've found it works better when I'm really specific with my therapist. 

"How do I handle it when I hurt my partner? We have a spat and I just can't let it go. It tears me up and I just can't stop thinking about it." 

"I can't sleep because I keep rehearsing my failures of hte day. I want to be a loving partner, but I keep snapping at my husband." 

"How can I learn to be okay with the fact that my supervisor gets annoyed at me when I have to take time off to care for my sick/dying loved one? I'm exhausted and sad and they are resentful. "

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

eta: some of the process and how I learned.
what did I feel just before?

what did I feel 10 seconds before?

5 minutes before?
10 minutes before?

I learned to recognize the signs my body was giving me BEFORE.
yes, I can still be caught off guard.  No my dh is never going to wear hearing aids (he claims he doesn't need them.  yeah, right.  then why did the audiologist give them to you?), yes I'm going to be irritated he doesn't hear me unless I speak loudly and over enunciate my words . . . 

I will have to figure that out.  I honestly don't know what I was thinking or feeling at the moment. 

 

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

 

Your dh probably doesn't have much of a framework for handling disagreement because of how he grew up. So that's a place where he needs to grow and learn. How to be ok when someone is annoyed with you. How to handle your own failures. How to accept that sometimes we're going to screw up and hurt one another.

 

Yeah, as Christians that feels like a cop out.  I am going to hurt you, oh well....  Neither of us do this well at all.  

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

 

 

As far as counseling, I've found it works better when I'm really specific with my therapist. 

"How do I handle it when I hurt my partner? We have a spat and I just can't let it go. It tears me up and I just can't stop thinking about it." 

"I can't sleep because I keep rehearsing my failures of hte day. I want to be a loving partner, but I keep snapping at my husband." 

"How can I learn to be okay with the fact that my supervisor gets annoyed at me when I have to take time off to care for my sick/dying loved one? I'm exhausted and sad and they are resentful. "

But here is my issue.  Ok, so today that may be true, though I never snap at my husband.  A sigh is as bad as it gets.  But when I wake up tomorrow everything may be absolutely lovely and I cannot remember how I even felt yesterday.  By next week, I won't think about it anymore. 

It is just bothering me today because I have a little time to actually think AND we have had several "snippy" incidents which isn't like us and I don't like.  

But in 3 months when I finally get into the therapist, I will be so much more logical about the situation. I will say what many of you have said on this thread.  It will be fine.    That is my issue.  I mean, I may feel totally completely desperate one day or even one morning, but then by the next day I can see how overreacting I was and it is fine. Then I just cannot put the emotion words into it because I don't feel it any more.  In fact, I don't have many memories of many things that have happened about anything.  My memory stinks. 

[fairfarmhand]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I will have to figure that out.  I honestly don't know what I was thinking or feeling at the moment. 

 

Yeah, as Christians that feels like a cop out.  I am going to hurt you, oh well....  Neither of us do this well at all.  

No, I'm not saying that it's OKAY. It's just that AS HUMANS it will happen. IF WE COULD DO IT ALL PERFECTLY WE WOULD NOT NEED CHRIST. Or repentance. Or grace. 

I'm not saying (shrug) I hurt my family, no big deal.

I am saying that no matter how much I try, I will accidentally hurt them. Because I'm human. They will accidentally hurt me. Because they're human. And that is the wonder of grace. I can extend grace to them because I'm human and so are they.

Instead of looking at my failures as "OH WOE IS ME! I AM THE WORST!"

I can see them as "Thank GOD that he loves me enough to forgive me in spite of my mess. Isn't he WONDERFUL!" The grace isn't about ME...it's about HIM. God's love (and my love for my family members) Isn't about me at all. I don't have to strive for it (because I could not do it if that were the case) I can just take joy in it.

Now, I don't just wallow in failure because I'm too lazy to try. Or it's to hard. Or whatever. But I do my best to live the life I'm supposed to because of humble gratitude. 

I think the key is to stop thinking so much about my own performance. Because I generally am a screw up. But to do my best and wallow in the love that God extends to me. 

[fairfarmhand]

Do you think it's the case that you are comparing your "snippy" marriage to the ideal that you have for a great marriage (NEVER disagree, never get snippy) so that when you have a snippy day you feel that everything is ALL WRONG.

[Clarita]

9 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

11 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

 

Your dh probably doesn't have much of a framework for handling disagreement because of how he grew up. So that's a place where he needs to grow and learn. How to be ok when someone is annoyed with you. How to handle your own failures. How to accept that sometimes we're going to screw up and hurt one another.

 

Yeah, as Christians that feels like a cop out.  I am going to hurt you, oh well....  Neither of us do this well at all.  

Gently, as a Christian, I depend on Jesus for my salvation to my sins (my indiscretions to GOD), seems like the biggest cop out to me. Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't the biggest part of becoming a Christian accepting God's forgiveness and mercy?  Ultimately God wants a relationship with us more than he wanted to punish us justly for what we have done and will do.

In some ways it sounds like you and your husband might be yearning for a relationship with each other, but all you guys are busy doing is punishing yourselves for whatever big or little sins you've committed against one another.

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Do you think it's the case that you are comparing your "snippy" marriage to the ideal that you have for a great marriage (NEVER disagree, never get snippy) so that when you have a snippy day you feel that everything is ALL WRONG.

Yes.

[fairfarmhand]

Another question...

You're right to be concerned about consistently snippy behavior. Occasional snippy days are no big deal, but noticing a pattern is a good thing.

Do you see a pattern to the snippy days? So own your own stuff "I get snippy when... I perceive him as snippy when" And ask him to do the same analysis both of himself and of you.

Is this generally at the beginning of the day? End of the day? When you feel rushed? When you're hungry? 

This can help you troubleshoot planning your days to avoid snippiness. 

This is not to prevent you from being short with one another 100 percent of the time. But rather to try to head those moments off at the pass so that you don't fall into this pattern repeatedly. 

[TexasProud]

13 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Do you think it's the case that you are comparing your "snippy" marriage to the ideal that you have for a great marriage (NEVER disagree, never get snippy) so that when you have a snippy day you feel that everything is ALL WRONG.

It is also that there is an underlying sense of conflict, so I cannot relax. 

 

13 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Another question...

You're right to be concerned about consistently snippy behavior. Occasional snippy days are no big deal, but noticing a pattern is a good thing.

Do you see a pattern to the snippy days? So own your own stuff "I get snippy when... I perceive him as snippy when" And ask him to do the same analysis both of himself and of you.

Is this generally at the beginning of the day? End of the day? When you feel rushed? When you're hungry? 

This can help you troubleshoot planning your days to avoid snippiness. 

This is not to prevent you from being short with one another 100 percent of the time. But rather to try to head those moments off at the pass so that you don't fall into this pattern repeatedly. 

edited for privacy

Edited May 8 by TexasProud

[fairfarmhand]

Ok, I see your list. That's a LOT and most of it aren't things that can be put off or handed over to someone else.

And life can be like that.

So in those cases, I go to my dh and say "I'm feeling the crush of all that needs to be done. I know I'll probably be short with you in the next week or two and I'm pre-apologizing for that. I'll do my best to be kind, but can you give me the benefit of the doubt if I sigh or seem frustrated? Because none of this is your fault. The situation we're in right now is just a lot. I'll get through it, but can you give me some grace and try to not respond in the moment if I'm not at my best?" 

[KungFuPanda]

4 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, is this me, which it may very well be. I don't know how to fix it. Do I need to? Is it just what it is?

Hubby gets exasperated with me sometimes. I cannot respond to every request with a smile and a happy tone of voice. I just cannot.   Example, last night we got in after driving over 12 hours.  We are putting out the slides. I am just ready to get our stuff inside.  It is nearly 8 and we haven't eaten dinner.  One of the slides makes a weird sound.  "Honey, put that back out."  Me...  I guess I made a heavy sigh or something.  I never say anything.  But inside. yes, I am tired.  Can we look at this later?  I am hungry.  I sighed that is it.  He  says, "Fine.. I will just do it myself."  But I am already putting it out by the time he says that. 

We don't fight other than this. So I guess it is fine.  But I don't know how to NOT do those nonverbal things.  I am always doing what is asked. It normally makes sense what he asks. There are good reasons for why he wants to do it.  I don't say no.  I don't refuse.  But it takes me a minute to WANT to do it.  My first reaction is a nonverbal one that drives him up a wall. 

That’s not the goal. No healthy adult expects this. Read Stepford Wives. You’re allowed to be tired AND honest. 

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, we are both super sensitive and don't want to make someone mad.  He apologized to me for 30 minutes about being upset and is always asking me if I am mad and what can he do to fix it. 

 

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

 

He has never heard of them.  He thinks if I am upset then he has done something wrong.  He has been apologizing all morning for his reaction last night.  

You both need to learn to let things go. It sounds exhausting to take every little thing personally. A tired, hungry person is t expected to pretend to enjoy a tedious task at the end of the day. Who told you you should want to do this stuff. It’s enough that you do it. It’s enough even if you don’t. 
 

The punishing itinerary and excessive, drawn out apologies sound like untreated anxiety. It’s not virtuous or kind. It’s not even healthy when his back needs to heal. Stop putting him on a pedestal because he’s busy all the time. The work will never be done, but you can be. Figure out what time you need dinner to avoid getting too hungry and stick to that schedule. Clock out after dinner so you can recharge. Relax, read a book, watch a show. Your husband’s inability to relax should never prevent you from doing so. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

Ok, I see your list. That's a LOT and most of it aren't things that can be put off or handed over to someone else.

And life can be like that.

So in those cases, I go to my dh and say "I'm feeling the crush of all that needs to be done. I know I'll probably be short with you in the next week or two and I'm pre-apologizing for that. I'll do my best to be kind, but can you give me the benefit of the doubt if I sigh or seem frustrated? Because none of this is your fault. The situation we're in right now is just a lot. I'll get through it, but can you give me some grace and try to not respond in the moment if I'm not at my best?" 

He will just say, "of course."  He doesn't take offense easily. He gets it. 

I think I am just expecting it to be perfect and it never will be.  And too much snippiness really sets me on a tailspin.  I really cannot handle disagreements of any kind at all. None. Like I literally can feel my heart racing at the thought of it.  So I really need him to be happy with me. I just do.  But yeah, we have already talked about how stressed I feel and how I cannot get into a rhythm and how hard it is as I am in Kenya.  I love it there. I have people there.  I can see myself there.  We leave.  i am here for a few weeks.  Then in the RV.  I really was enjoying the trip.  I got into a rhythm. it was fun.  But now it is home...just preparing.  I will enjoy the mission trip in Honduras, catching up with the people we work with regularly, getting to know new people.  I will enjoy being home for most of the summer and starting to reconnect, but then I have to transition into RV mode again.  Yes, I have told him this. But this is our time.  His health is already deteriorating.  I'm guessing in 10 to 15 years we won't be able to travel and I will be "stuck" at home.  i just don't do well during this transition from one thing to another and yes, I have talked to him about it. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, KungFuPanda said:

Figure out what time you need dinner to avoid getting too hungry and stick to that schedule. Clock out after dinner so you can recharge. Relax, read a book, watch a show. Your husband’s inability to relax should never prevent you from doing so. 

I do that at home.  At home, I am generally done by 5pm.  In fact, I am about to take a bath right now.  He is working.  But this was an RV trip and we were driving home.  We left Kentucky at 6:30 am and got home about 7ish.  Not the norm.   At home, I have a schedule.  We eat a large lunch.  Then we watch a show at 6pm or so and eat something light, then he keeps working.  But then I wander around not sure what to do with myself as I have posted about before.   

But yeah.  That wasn't a normal day.  And most days we don't drive more than 3 or 4 hours.  We have already agreed we will spread out the driving more on the way home from 2 days to 3 days.  It is just hard when you have so much waiting for you. Plus, after 5 weeks, I was ready to be home. 

[fairfarmhand]

22 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

He will just say, "of course."  He doesn't take offense easily. He gets it. 

I think I am just expecting it to be perfect and it never will be.  And too much snippiness really sets me on a tailspin.  I really cannot handle disagreements of any kind at all. None. Like I literally can feel my heart racing at the thought of it.  So I really need him to be happy with me. I just do.  But yeah, we have already talked about how stressed I feel and how I cannot get into a rhythm and how hard it is as I am in Kenya.  I love it there. I have people there.  I can see myself there.  We leave.  i am here for a few weeks.  Then in the RV.  I really was enjoying the trip.  I got into a rhythm. it was fun.  But now it is home...just preparing.  I will enjoy the mission trip in Honduras, catching up with the people we work with regularly, getting to know new people.  I will enjoy being home for most of the summer and starting to reconnect, but then I have to transition into RV mode again.  Yes, I have told him this. But this is our time.  His health is already deteriorating.  I'm guessing in 10 to 15 years we won't be able to travel and I will be "stuck" at home.  i just don't do well during this transition from one thing to another and yes, I have talked to him about it. 

But his reaction to a sigh means that yeah, he was reacting to your emotion.

Let me tell you something....your feelings leak. I'm a part of an extended family who NEVER argued. But it was SO crystal clear when people were not happy. Even If you can't say it out loud, it still leaks out. And it does for your dh. While ya'll are working on these things (identifying feelings and being able to own them) remember that your feelings are still coming out, just in other ways. I know you know when your dh is struggling. He knows when you are, even if neither of you can say the words. So the conversations just head it all off at the pass. 

Edited May 7 by fairfarmhand

[Arcadia]

9 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

We left Kentucky at 6:30 am and got home about 7ish

My husband does the driving. We would try to stop around 9am and 2pm for meals. We would also have snacks in the car for when we are hungry but don’t want to stop for dinner because we prefer to reach home before sunset.  I would also nap along the way. That way when we reached home I am recharged enough to help unpack. 

[TexasProud]

12 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

My husband does the driving. We would try to stop around 9am and 2pm for meals. We would also have snacks in the car for when we are hungry but don’t want to stop for dinner because we prefer to reach home before sunset.  I would also nap along the way. That way when we reached home I am recharged enough to help unpack. 

We stopped a lot with his back.  Yes, we have a snack bag and I ate a lot of snacks along the way.  I also slept a lot in the car.  One of our many stops at rest stops in Arkansas we fixed lunch...maybe 1 pm or so.  

Edited May 7 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

24 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

But his reaction to a sigh means that yeah, he was reacting to your emotion.

Let me tell you something....your feelings leak. I'm a part of an extended family who NEVER argued. But it was SO crystal clear when people were not happy. Even If you can't say it out loud, it still leaks out. And it does for your dh. While ya'll are working on these things (identifying feelings and being able to own them) remember that your feelings are still coming out, just in other ways. I know you know when your dh is struggling. He knows when you are, even if neither of you can say the words. So the conversations just head it all off at the pass. 

But I shouldn't feel that way.  I have so much to be grateful for. I should be happy. I mean.. Our daughter graduated summa cul laude. Has a job performing this summer. Our middle on is marrying the most wonderful girl.  We have enough money to be able to travel whenever we want.  We are serving others as God wants us to on the mission field.  I shouldn't be snippy. 

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

But I shouldn't feel that way.  I have so much to be grateful for. I should be happy. I mean.. Our daughter graduated summa cul laude. Has a job performing this summer. Our middle on is marrying the most wonderful girl.  We have enough money to be able to travel whenever we want.  We are serving others as God wants us to on the mission field.  I shouldn't be snippy. 

Has no therapist ever told you not to should on yourself?

[TexasProud]

Just now, regentrude said:

Has no therapist ever told you not to should on yourself?

Yep.  And I tell them that. If I say it, I go back and correct it.   Actually no.  You guys did and a coach did once.  A therapist. No, but then I doubt I said it because I know I shouldn't.   😀

Edited May 7 by TexasProud

[Arcadia]

Just now, TexasProud said:

I shouldn't be snippy. 

 

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

We stopped a lot with his back.  Yes, we have a snack bag and I ate a lot of snacks along the way.  I also slept a lot in the car.  One of our many stops at rest stops in Arkansas we fixed lunch...maybe 1 pm or so.  

I assumed from your first post that you were tired and maybe hungry when you reached home. It is easy to get snippy when a person is tired or hungry. It is a natural response to energy levels depletion. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, Arcadia said:

 

I assumed from your first post that you were tired and maybe hungry when you reached home. It is easy to get snippy when a person is tired or hungry. It is a natural response to energy levels depletion. 

Yes, I was.  I was STARVING and exhausted.

[regentrude]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yep.  And I tell them that. If I say it, I go back and correct it.   Actually no.  You guys did and a coach did once.  A therapist. No, but then I doubt I said it because I know I shouldn't.   😀

Here's a great exercise: if you journal, go back through and cross out "should"( or shouldn't) every time you wrote it and replace it with a different verb that expresses more accurately what it is: need, want, are expected to ( or not).

Should is a toxic word.

[Alice]

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Both of us hate conflict and avoid it at all costs. 

 

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

 

 We always spent them at his family rather than mine because you never knew who would be angry or in a tizzy at mine. 

These are the pieces of your posts that stood out to me. I grew up in home with an alcoholic mother who also was bipolar and my parents fought all the time. I have a really really really hard time dealing with conflict because as a kid, one tiny thing could throw off the whole day. Or even then the whole week, vacation, etc. One small "mistake" could end up having my Mom spiral for months. And it has taken me my whole life to realize how messed up that way of living was and how much it has affected me as an adult. 

I think the thing about growing up "never knowing who would be angry or in a tizzy" is that you internalize that somehow you can keep people from getting angry if you only ___________. Fill in the blank. Act perfectly. Do the right things. Work hard enough. Don't complain. Don't argue. Etc. And then when someone does get angry you feel you have failed to keep things the way they should have been. 

Normal people fight and get annoyed and frustrated with each other. Not all the time. But two individual people living in a house together will sometimes rub each other the wrong way. Even two Christians. What then happens is normal people move on. If one of them realizes they snapped at the other, they apologize. The other one forgives them. They get over it.