Is it me?

[TexasProud]

Ok, is this me, which it may very well be. I don't know how to fix it. Do I need to? Is it just what it is?

Hubby gets exasperated with me sometimes. I cannot respond to every request with a smile and a happy tone of voice. I just cannot.   Example, last night we got in after driving over 12 hours.  We are putting out the slides. I am just ready to get our stuff inside.  It is nearly 8 and we haven't eaten dinner.  One of the slides makes a weird sound.  "Honey, put that back out."  Me...  I guess I made a heavy sigh or something.  I never say anything.  But inside. yes, I am tired.  Can we look at this later?  I am hungry.  I sighed that is it.  He  says, "Fine.. I will just do it myself."  But I am already putting it out by the time he says that. 

We don't fight other than this. So I guess it is fine.  But I don't know how to NOT do those nonverbal things.  I am always doing what is asked. It normally makes sense what he asks. There are good reasons for why he wants to do it.  I don't say no.  I don't refuse.  But it takes me a minute to WANT to do it.  My first reaction is a nonverbal one that drives him up a wall. 

[regentrude]

Maybe you simply need to learn to say no. The sighing comes across as annoyingly passive-aggressive. It would be much easier if you communicated clearly "I'm hungry and exhausted.  I need to eat first. Can we do it later?"

He may still decide he wants ro do it right away himself.  But it doesn't come across as annoying. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, regentrude said:

Maybe you simply need to learn to say no. The sighing comes across as annoyingly passive-aggressive. It would be much easier if you communicated clearly "I'm hungry and exhausted.  I need to eat first. Can we do it later?"

He may still decide he wants ro do it right away himself.  But it doesn't come across as annoying. 

But honestly, in the moment.  I don't KNOW that.  I know that looking back now.  But in the moment, not so much. I don't know how to instantaneously know what I want if that makes sense. 

[prairiewindmomma]

I think you are both prone to rigid thinking. You should have the ability to prioritize eating. He should be able to accept that. Neither of you should have to fake smiles or do stuff you dont want to do. I dont get the sense that you feel emotionally safe to be genuine with him so you put up a false front of “obedience” (“I am always doing what is asked”) and smiles. 
 

I agree with regentrude—say no or later. “I’m totally happy to help after I’ve gotten something to eat. I am super hungry” would have been my reply. Then I would have eaten and taken a break with zero guilt. He could be frustrated or disappointed and those are his feelings to deal with. 12 hour days + no supper is not awesome. 

 

 

[Arcadia]

9 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

My first reaction is a nonverbal one that drives him up a wall. 

I think he is overreacting though. When I give out an exasperated sigh after my husband or my relatives ask me to help do something, it is treated as a normal reaction and not taken negatively. For example, I just sat down on a comfy couch and the postman came with a registered mail. My husband asked me to answer the door since he was shabbily dressed. I can whine about having to get up again and he won’t take offense. 

[TexasProud]

9 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

 

I agree with regentrude—say no or later. “I’m totally happy to help after I’ve gotten something to eat. I am super hungry” would have been my reply. Then I would have eaten and taken a break with zero guilt. He could be frustrated or disappointed and those are his feelings to deal with. 12 hour days + no supper is not awesome. 

 

 

Ok, I get that.  But literally, the asking, the sigh, the putting the slide back out took place in about 20 seconds.  I don't know how to think, process or know what I am thinking or what I want that quickly.  How can I fix that?

Edited May 7 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

Also, this tends to happen when we are both tired, stressed, etc.  He has a herniated disc and though he doesn't complain, I know he is in pain.  I am taking him in the morning to get some kind of shot for it.  Meanwhile, the fridge in the RV had an issue along with a couple of other things. So we have completely unloaded it this morning and he is taking it to the RV place and leaving it there for them to fix.  

[Heartstrings]

Honestly it sounds a bit like "first-time" obedience is being expected within the husband/wife relationship the way some people might expect it from a child.  This sounds very much like the Duggar's "cheerful obedience" stuff and its not appropriate for a husband to expect that of his wife, or for you to expect it of yourself as an adult. 

(it's also not appropriate for children but that is a different thread)

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Also, this tends to happen when we are both tired, stressed, etc.  

Then you talk about that, identify the pattern, and have a good laugh when it happens again.

Every single  argument between dh and me involved one or both of us being hungry. We know, try to prepare, and chuckle when we catch ourselves at it again m

[TexasProud]

Just now, regentrude said:

Then you talk about that, identify the pattern, and have a good laugh when it happens again.

Every single  argument between dh and me involved one or both of us being hungry. We know, try to prepare, and chuckle when we catch ourselves at it again m

OK that is what we do.  So I guess we are ok.  It just happened more than normal in the last 5 weeks in the RV.

[prairiewindmomma]

I have learned to pause and hold my breath for those few seconds when I want to sigh or give a negative reaction. It is something I have had to work on.

That said, as someone who also has an energizer bunny husband (mine runs two hours a day, has lots of projects going, is constantly learning something new, etc.), my husband has also had to learn to respect my need for rest and nourishment. Ideally you would have had a less demanding drive day and a 30 min quick supper break at a reasonable hour so that you had margin to give. 
 

When dh and I were hiking in Italy at Christmas, he was surprised my step count was registering 4-6,000 higher than his. Well, he’s 6’3” and I am fun-sized. His stride length is much longer. I have to take a lot more steps to match his pace. 
 

I think you and your dh may also have different natural paces in life. He may need to take a 30 minute pause or so for you to rest…because you have to work so much harder all day to keep his natural pace of life. A break earlier in the day and a reasonable meal time arent difficult accommodations either.

[TexasProud]

Just now, Heartstrings said:

Honestly it sounds a bit like "first-time" obedience is being expected within the husband/wife relationship the way some people might expect it from a child.  This sounds very much like the Duggar's "cheerful obedience" stuff and its not appropriate for a husband to expect that of his wife, or for you to expect it of yourself as an adult. 

(it's also not appropriate for children but that is a different thread)

He would be appalled.  he does not expect that at all.  

[Annie G]

He might have been in pain and have been just as tired as you are. If his personality is to keep it inside, that’s good for him. But I suspect your sighs are your way of expressing that you’re tired and done with the task. It’s not disrespectful. But he also has an option to not get upset w you when you sigh. It’s not on you to always be pleasant. 

Edited May 7 by Annie G

[TexasProud]

Just now, prairiewindmomma said:

I have learned to pause and hold my breath for those few seconds when I want to sigh or give a negative reaction. It is something I have had to work on.

That said, as someone who also has an energizer bunny husband (mine runs two hours a day, has lots of projects going, is constantly learning something new, etc.), my husband has also had to learn to respect my need for rest and nourishment. Ideally you would have had a less demanding drive day and a 30 min quick supper break at a reasonable hour so that you had margin to give. 
 

When dh and I were hiking in Italy at Christmas, he was surprised my step count was registering 4-6,000 higher than his. Well, he’s 6’3” and I am fun-sized. His stride length is much longer. I have to take a lot more steps to match his pace. 
 

I think you and your dh may also have different natural paces in life. He may need to take a 30 minute pause or so for you to rest…because you have to work so much harder all day to keep his natural pace of life. A break earlier in the day and a reasonable meal time arent difficult accommodations either.

Yes, this is true and we have talked about this.  Actually, especially with his back killing him, he was wishing we had broken up the drive yesterday, but he had this doctor appointment, the RV appointment, he is leaving for Honduras in a couple of weeks and has a ton to do for that and that legal mess is still there and he is working on it.

But yes, I have gotten better about speaking up. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Just now, regentrude said:

Then you talk about that, identify the pattern, and have a good laugh when it happens again.

Every single  argument between dh and me involved one or both of us being hungry. We know, try to prepare, and chuckle when we catch ourselves at it again m

I have long used the phrase, “I am in the critical hour.” That means dh has an hour max to get to a spot to give me a decent rest and meal. I do not hangry well, but he can easily go 12 hours without eating. I have to give the warning with the first rumblings of hunger—if I wait too long it doesnt end well for either of us. 😂

[TexasProud]

Just now, Annie G said:

He might have been in pain and have been just as tired as you are. If his personality is to keep it inside, that’s good for him. But I suspect your sighs are your way of expressing that you’re tired and done with the task. It’s not disrespectful. But he also has an option to not get upset w you when you sign. It’s not on you to always be pleasant. 

Yeah, we are both super sensitive and don't want to make someone mad.  He apologized to me for 30 minutes about being upset and is always asking me if I am mad and what can he do to fix it. 

[Katy]

My DH (and my mom, for that matter) don’t notice or think about hunger. But I do, and I notice them getting short tempered even when they need to eat. I have to tell them to break for a meal. DH will take the kids somewhere, forget to feed them, and get irritated when everyone is getting, “difficult.” I can’t count the number of times he’s texted to complain about a kid’s behavior and it’s 2-3 hours after a meal time and they never even had a snack. Once everyone eats, everyone is fine (and I suspect that more often than not, it’s DH with a short temper more than an otherwise compliant child suddenly being problematic). 

Anyway, when I’ve noticed this sort of thing I don’t take it personally, I insist on a break for a meal. When I don’t notice and figure it out later, I point it out when I realize it. 

[Heartstrings]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

He would be appalled.  he does not expect that at all.  

Being upset that his wife sighed while in the process of jumping up to immediately do as he asked is pretty much the same thing.  If he would be appalled at the comparison perhaps you guys should examine why it seems to be so close.  Sometimes you need to call a spade a spade.  He may not like it, and you may not like it,  but it sounds nearly identical.     

 

ETA: Maybe its just a thing that slips into his mind when he is cranky, like a childhood pattern or from being used to being in charge. It might be subconscious

. 

Edited May 7 by Heartstrings

[prairiewindmomma]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

Yes, this is true and we have talked about this.  Actually, especially with his back killing him, he was wishing we had broken up the drive yesterday, but he had this doctor appointment, the RV appointment, he is leaving for Honduras in a couple of weeks and has a ton to do for that and that legal mess is still there and he is working on it.

But yes, I have gotten better about speaking up. 

All of those things point that he was trying to shove too much in one day. Rarely is a RV trip critical to sustaining life. You can always fly or rearrange or reschedule. 
 

I am super glad you are speaking up more.

[sgo95]

27 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I never say anything.  But inside. yes, I am tired. 

...

 But I don't know how to NOT do those nonverbal things.  I am always doing what is asked. It normally makes sense what he asks. There are good reasons for why he wants to do it.  I don't say no.  I don't refuse.  But it takes me a minute to WANT to do it.  My first reaction is a nonverbal one that drives him up a wall. 

I never say anything. I think that's unhealthy. Why don't you say anything? You can even say "I don't know why, but I don't feel like it."

I am always doing what is asked. ...I don't say no. This is not a virtue. Why do you feel this is to be aspired to?

But it takes me a minute to WANT to do it. Why do you need to want to do it? Why are you not allowed to flop onto a seat and say "Sorry, I'm overwhelmed and need a minute"?

drives him up a wall. His reactions are not the ultimate gauge of whether you're on track. I know you want to be loving and supportive, but you almost are acting as if you literally can be perfectly cheerful and loving all the time. That's not human.

[TexasProud]

Just now, prairiewindmomma said:

All of those things point that he was trying to shove too much in one day. Rarely is a RV trip critical to sustaining life. You can always fly or rearrange or reschedule. 
 

He will not. I have been trying to talk to him about margin for 30 years. I just don't go on all of his stuff.  Oh.. and did I mention we have tons to do on our 50 acre place and a giant probably 150 year old oak tree fell when we were gone and he is planning on cutting it up... ( Yeah,  uh after you back procedure, before going through all of the implants and stuff to organize or what.)  

[catz]

Reflexively sighing when you are tired is not passive aggressive IMO.  It just happens.  I totally get it.  

But I do try to be better with the follow up if it gets picked up.  And that is typically after a long day for both of us.  I don't apologize, but I just try to call out my feelings.  "I'm just super tired and crabby right now.  If you'd like me to deal with X, that is going to have to wait."  I also think it is fine to call out an inappropriate response.  In fact if anyone in my immediate family is snarky when I sigh, I regularly just say  "I'm breathing.  Get over it."  And that tends to disarm any potential conflict with the sensabilities of the humans over here, YMMV depending on sense of humor.  

Edited May 7 by catz

[Heartstrings]

Just now, sgo95 said:

I never say anything. I think that's unhealthy. Why don't you say anything? You can even say "I don't know why, but I don't feel like it."

I am always doing what is asked. ...I don't say no. This is not a virtue. Why do you feel this is to be aspired to?

But it takes me a minute to WANT to do it. Why do you need to want to do it? Why are you not allowed to flop onto a seat and say "Sorry, I'm overwhelmed and need a minute"?

drives him up a wall. His reactions are not the ultimate gauge of whether you're on track. I know you want to be loving and supportive, but you almost are acting as if you literally can be perfectly cheerful and loving all the time. That's not human.

These exact things are what brought Duggar-esque "instant cheerful obedience" to my mind. 

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Heartstrings said:

Being upset that his wife sighed while in the process of jumping up to immediately do as he asked is pretty much the same thing.  If he would be appalled at the comparison perhaps you guys should examine why it seems to be so close.  Sometimes you need to call a spade a spade.  He may not like it, and you may not like it,  but it sounds nearly identical.    

 

Just now, Heartstrings said:

These exact things are what brought Duggar-esque "instant cheerful obedience" to my mind. 

He has never heard of them.  He thinks if I am upset then he has done something wrong.  He has been apologizing all morning for his reaction last night.  

[Heartstrings]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 

He has never heard of them.  He thinks if I am upset then he has done something wrong.  He has been apologizing all morning for his reaction last night.  

Those IBLB teachings have infiltrated a lot of conservative churches that have never even heard or thought about the IBLB and would never want to be associated with them.   Just because he is unaware of the origins doesn't mean they haven't been absorbed just it being around.   A lot of it is just authoritarian family styles repackaged anyway.  I see a lot of it in my own father who was never involved in churches ever, but naturally leans more authoritarian and just always has. 

 

ETA: even though I gentle-parent on purpose I will fall back into that knee-jerk "I'm the parent and I said so" that I was raised with in times of extreme stress or hunger.  

Edited May 7 by Heartstrings

[klmama]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

He has been apologizing all morning for his reaction last night.  

He wasn't at his best, and he's sorry. You weren't at your best, and you're sorry.  Hug each other, agree to let it go, and move on.  Try to plan rest and meal breaks to help keep you both feeling better.

[prairiewindmomma]

The apologizing all morning for a simple sigh is also an overreaction…. A simple apology = fine. Being less demanding = fine. Multiple apologies? Red flag. Not sure if the dynamic is apologizing to manipulate or overapologizing because he is insecure or because he has a trauma history and cant handle any conflict at all…..but a simple sigh at the end of the a long day should be nothing at all. 

[Clarita]

Just now, TexasProud said:

4 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

Being upset that his wife sighed while in the process of jumping up to immediately do as he asked is pretty much the same thing.  If he would be appalled at the comparison perhaps you guys should examine why it seems to be so close.  Sometimes you need to call a spade a spade.  He may not like it, and you may not like it,  but it sounds nearly identical.    

 

1 minute ago, Heartstrings said:

These exact things are what brought Duggar-esque "instant cheerful obedience" to my mind. 

He has never heard of them.  He thinks if I am upset then he has done something wrong.  He has been apologizing all morning for his reaction last night.  

The apologizing profusely after abuse is also what abusers do. So my wonderful husband now when he does something wrong just says something along the lines of "I'm sorry for exploding on you last night. I was really tired and just took it out on you" I forgive him that's it. My ex that was emotionally abusive would buy me gifts, apologize profusely for 30 mins+, spend a whole day "making it up" to me. Yes the abusive part is the things that he'd say to me before not necessarily the profuse apologies.  

There isn't enough here for me to say your husband is abusive. Maybe he has the best of intentions or that's the only way he knows how to be a husband.  I just said the above because it's really unhealthy for both of you to take minor offenses and blow them up to these proportions. These are the parts that are sending red flags that it's an abusive relationship. If you both don't think you are in an abusive relationship then take time to think together on why you both are behaving like you are.  

[sgo95]

I think it's both of you. Your DH seems to operate under a misguided belief that if he does and says the right things, you should never be tired, grumpy, or non-compliant with his wishes. You seem to feel you should be able to act perfectly cheerful and compliant so that he doesn't feel upset.

[TexasProud]

34 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

Those IBLB teachings have infiltrated a lot of conservative churches that have never even heard or thought about the IBLB and would never want to be associated with them.   Just because he is unaware of the origins doesn't mean they haven't been absorbed just it being around.   A lot of it is just authoritarian family styles repackaged anyway.  I see a lot of it in my own father who was never involved in churches ever, but naturally leans more authoritarian and just always has. 

But he has the same expectations for himself.  He never says no to me. If I ask him to do something, I know he will move heaven and earth to do it.  It is why I am super careful about what I ask for.  He expected himself to be the perfect father and the perfect husband.  He always apologizes profusely for even saying anything and he has never yelled. Ever.  I mean last night he said, "fine, I will do it myself." That is it and he has been apologizing all morning.

So no, no authoritarian here.  More like as a Christian neither of us should say anything bad or cross or whatever. We should always love others as we want to be loved.  No exceptions. 

[TexasProud]

28 minutes ago, sgo95 said:

I think it's both of you. Your DH seems to operate under a misguided belief that if he does and says the right things, you should never be tired, grumpy, or non-compliant with his wishes. You seem to feel you should be able to act perfectly cheerful and compliant so that he doesn't feel upset.

Bingo.  Yes,  that is it.   Wait edited to say, non-compliant. If I don't want to do it, and say I don't want to do something, he is completely fine with it. 

Edited May 7 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

32 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

The apologizing all morning for a simple sigh is also an overreaction…. A simple apology = fine. Being less demanding = fine. Multiple apologies? Red flag. Not sure if the dynamic is apologizing to manipulate or overapologizing because he is insecure or because he has a trauma history and cant handle any conflict at all…..but a simple sigh at the end of the a long day should be nothing at all. 

Both of us hate conflict and avoid it at all costs. 

[TexasProud]

30 minutes ago, Clarita said:

The apologizing profusely after abuse is also what abusers do. So my wonderful husband now when he does something wrong just says something along the lines of "I'm sorry for exploding on you last night. I was really tired and just took it out on you" I forgive him that's it. My ex that was emotionally abusive would buy me gifts, apologize profusely for 30 mins+, spend a whole day "making it up" to me. Yes the abusive part is the things that he'd say to me before not necessarily the profuse apologies.  

There isn't enough here for me to say your husband is abusive. Maybe he has the best of intentions or that's the only way he knows how to be a husband.  I just said the above because it's really unhealthy for both of you to take minor offenses and blow them up to these proportions. These are the parts that are sending red flags that it's an abusive relationship. If you both don't think you are in an abusive relationship then take time to think together on why you both are behaving like you are.  

I guess, to me, an abuser would have it only be his way or the highway.  When I said I wanted to do seminary, he moved heaven and earth for me to be able to do it.  He asks me all the time what he can do to help me today.   He has never, ever yelled.  Ever.  But he has very, very very high standards for himself to ALWAYS be loving, always act the right way, so he beats himself up a ton if he doesn't say exactly the right thing.  He constantly second guesses himself on everything.  

[fairfarmhand]

29 minutes ago, klmama said:

He wasn't at his best, and he's sorry. You weren't at your best, and you're sorry.  Hug each other, agree to let it go, and move on.  Try to plan rest and meal breaks to help keep you both feeling better.

This.

this sounds like a normal marriage spat that happens because we’re all human.

my dh asks things like “do you want to help me with…” and I answer, “no. But I’ll do it anyway.” And he’s fine. 
 

sighing indicates I don’t wanna and he knows it. And as a grownup, I often do things I don’t wanna do. So does he. And it’s fine. 
 

I think your dh has to get to the place where he is ok with you not wanting to do things and accepting a sigh. Especially since you’re doing the thing anyway. You just don’t wanna. And that’s normal and fine.

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

This.

this sounds like a normal marriage spat that happens because we’re all human.

my dh asks things like “do you want to help me with…” and I answer, “no. But I’ll do it anyway.” And he’s fine. 
 

sighing indicates I don’t wanna and he knows it. And as a grownup, I often do things I don’t wanna do. So does he. And it’s fine. 
 

I think your dh has to get to the place where he is ok with you not wanting to do things and accepting a sigh. Especially since you’re doing the thing anyway. You just don’t wanna. And that’s normal and fine.

Thanks.  Maybe I will talk about this later today with him. 

[fairfarmhand]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Thanks.  Maybe I will talk about this later today with him. 

And he needs to be ok with you Doing it anyway even if you’re unhappy about it. 
“fine, I’ll do it myself” sounds pouty and passive aggressive.
 

He has to be ok with you being a normal adult with normal feelings. He does things he doesn’t want to do all the time and you can do them too. That’s treating you like an adult. And you’re not a robot without feelings. 

 

[SKL]

Sounds like it would be better to say what you feel, but in a productive way.

What I would do in the OP situation is say, in a very neutral voice, "I'll do this tomorrow.  I'm tired right now and need to sleep."

If he is too impatient to wait for tomorrow, that's on him.  It's fine.  He has to deal with his impatience in whatever way he finds productive.  Either do the thing himself, force himself into patience, or ... sigh.  😛

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

And he needs to be ok with you Doing it anyway even if you’re unhappy about it. 
“fine, I’ll do it myself” sounds pouty and passive aggressive.
 

He has to be ok with you being a normal adult with normal feelings. He does things he doesn’t want to do all the time and you can do them too. That’s treating you like an adult. And you’re not a robot without feelings. 

 

Yeah, it is the feeling thing.  I have been reading Jennie Allen's book about untangling your feelings and have been trying to figure that out.  Because when I was a kid, first of all, feelings were terrible because my parents screamed at each other and/or were violent with each other. So, any time an argument or I start to feel mad, I typically squelch it very, very, very quickly.  Or when I did get out of control as a kid, I was sent to my room and couldn't come out until I could come out with a smile on my face.  So yeah..

.  This morning when we walked I got mad.  I said, "I feel so sad about (the cat) being shut up in that room for 5 weeks and we will have to do it again in September for our next trip. To which he responded, "Well, we cannot leave her at my moms or anyone else's with her peeing."  It made me mad.  I know that.  And yes, most of the time I complain because he listens well and validates me but doesn't give me any solutions.  Here I guess I should have made it clear I just wanted to say I felt sad, but he got upset. ( Probably because he internalized it to be a message that we were being bad and wrong for doing so.  I think he is a one.)   Just struggling with all of this.  When I do feel, it doesn't go well.   I did tell him I just wanted to tell him I felt sad, and he said he could understand it and he is sad as well.  I just don't like this.  We get along so well and it just feels like we are not fitting well together like we normally do and I don't like it. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, SKL said:

Sounds like it would be better to say what you feel, but in a productive way.

What I would do in the OP situation is say, in a very neutral voice, "I'll do this tomorrow.  I'm tired right now and need to sleep."

If he is too impatient to wait for tomorrow, that's on him.  It's fine.  He has to deal with his impatience in whatever way he finds productive.  Either do the thing himself, force himself into patience, or ... sigh.  😛

Ok, AGAIN, yes, I could have said that. I get that. He would have been fine with it if I had said it.  I GET THAT.  The issue is, I can see that now, in hindsight.  I cannot figure out how to do it in the moment.  Like literally, to know what I feel or what I am thinking, I have to be by myself and journal or talk about it on here.  I cannot know that in the moment if that makes sense.    My husband is the most patient person on the planet.  All of the nurses and people who know him  say how gentle and patient and understanding he is. He doesn't need more patience.  I just need to figure out how to think all of this faster somehow.

[SKL]

7 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, AGAIN, yes, I could have said that. I get that. He would have been fine with it if I had said it.  I GET THAT.  The issue is, I can see that now, in hindsight.  I cannot figure out how to do it in the moment.  Like literally, to know what I feel or what I am thinking, I have to be by myself and journal or talk about it on here.  I cannot know that in the moment if that makes sense.    My husband is the most patient person on the planet.  All of the nurses and people who know him  say how gentle and patient and understanding he is. He doesn't need more patience.  I just need to figure out how to think all of this faster somehow.

Maybe you could train yourself to "feel a sigh coming on" and hold that sigh back while you ask yourself what you should say instead.

Not that sighing is terrible or unusual.  But it seems to trigger him a bit, so it may be worth giving this a little effort in advance.

I say this because I used to be similar.  When someone wanted XYZ, I felt like saying "no" would cause upset, so I'd "try" to comply, but that's not actually helpful at all.  I'm entitled to be tired, hungry, dysregulated in the moment.  It's normal!  Almost everything can wait.  And normal people who make requests get that.

Edited May 7 by SKL

[Toocrazy!!]

I think you’ve gotten a lot of good advice. I’ll just say as a former RV owner, setting them up is the MOST stressful thing:) I’ve seen lots of arguments during the process!  
 

but like above, my answer to these type of requests is usually no, but I’ll help anyway. People are flawed. We have emotions, we’re hungry, we’re tired, we don’t want to always go along with it. Those seem like pretty normal marriage conversations. But if you feel like you need to get another opinion from the forum, then it’s probably more than that to you. 

[fairfarmhand]

Ok…my dh often has struggled with this same kind of thing. He’s in charge of several hundred people at his work. If he says to do something they say yes sir. Feelings are irrelevant because they’re there to get the job done.
 

he has historically Had a hard time with family because they DO have feelings about stuff. They’re not employees. They’re not robots getting paid to check their feelings at the door. 
 

I bet your dh is the same. That’s what made him good at his job (like my dh) the ability to check feelings and makes decisions in the moment. But I’m his WIFE. He’s supposed to care about my feelings to a certain degree. If he can’t handle that some days I’ll have feelings that will conflict with his, he’s got to come to terms with that. Doesn’t mean you’re wrong or he’s wrong. You’re just different. You are a grownup able to still do things even when you don’t feel like it and so can he.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

But honestly, in the moment.  I don't KNOW that.  I know that looking back now.  But in the moment, not so much. I don't know how to instantaneously know what I want if that makes sense. 

Knowing what you want is the part that you need to work on. 

[goldberry]

Married 38 years here... Sighing is a perfectly normal reaction and you should not have to hold that in. Everyone would be frustrated in the situation you were describing, both of you. I would have a conversation about that he seems to take your non verbal reactions personally, rather than an expression of frustration at the situation. For myself, I would explain that I'm an adult and if I don't want to do something I'm perfectly capable of saying that out loud. If I don't say that out loud, that doesn't mean I'm not still frustrated at the situation (not necessarily him personally) and may as a normal human express that by sighing or having a cranky face.

But in our marriage both of us don't like subtext, so It is a general practice for us to speak up. If I choose not to speak up, hubby knows whatever crankiness I have is either not directed at him personally, or not important enough for me to address.

Edited May 7 by goldberry

[prairiewindmomma]

15 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, AGAIN, yes, I could have said that. I get that. He would have been fine with it if I had said it.  I GET THAT.  The issue is, I can see that now, in hindsight.  I cannot figure out how to do it in the moment.  Like literally, to know what I feel or what I am thinking, I have to be by myself and journal or talk about it on here.  I cannot know that in the moment if that makes sense.    My husband is the most patient person on the planet.  All of the nurses and people who know him  say how gentle and patient and understanding he is. He doesn't need more patience.  I just need to figure out how to think all of this faster somehow.

I wonder if you disassociate at moments of conflict. Super common trauma response—it’s more than just freezing. 

[Terabith]

This sounds like everyone was exhausted and hungry. Your response was to sigh.  That’s perfectly normal. I would also sigh. You’re allowed to be frustrated.  His response was to be mildly snippy. Is that awesome?  No, it’s a little bit rude, and any expectation that you obey cheerfully is completely nuts, but it sounds like it’s not his conscious expectation.  But it’s also understandable because he’s also tired and hungry and in pain.  Honestly, this just sounds like normal human interactions under less than ideal circumstances, and it’s pretty normal.  
 

I think you need to give yourself some grace. This shouldn’t be a big deal.  

[marbel]

I'm imagining a similar situation between myself and my husband. I'm sort of an automatic sigher too. And, when it became apparent that something was wrong, I would (possibly incorrectly) assume that whatever he'd just asked me to do would be the start of a long process. So yeah I'd sigh, and then ask if this would be quick, and/or could we do it later, whatever. And he'd say something like "this will just take a minute" and we'd get it done and then that would be that. 

After being married for nearly 30 years my husband knows I'm an automatic sigher and in general react negatively to unexpected situations even when it turns out not to be a big deal. He on the other hand reserves judgment. We joke that my pessimism/negativity and his optimism/neutrality balance each other out. We do apologize to each other, but, like, once, not for hours after.

Being Christian and loving others doesn't mean bottling everything up and presenting a smiling face to the world when one doesn't feel like smiling. (Well, OK, sometimes it does, but not usually and not with one's spouse/life partner.)  It doesn't mean overapologizing and agonizing over every possible imperfect human interaction. 

 

Edited May 7 by marbel

[TexasProud]

11 minutes ago, goldberry said:

Married 38 years here... Sighing is a perfectly normal reaction and you should not have to hold that in. Everyone would be frustrated in the situation you were describing, both of you. I would have a conversation about that he seems to take your non verbal reactions personally, rather than an expression of frustration at the situation. For myself, I would explain that I'm an adult and if I don't want to do something I'm perfectly capable of saying that out loud. If I don't say that out loud, that doesn't mean I'm not still frustrated at the situation (not necessarily him personally) and may as a normal human express that by sighing or having a cranky face.

OOH..  I like this. I will memorize this to say.

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

He will not. I have been trying to talk to him about margin for 30 years. I just don't go on all of his stuff.  Oh.. and did I mention we have tons to do on our 50 acre place and a giant probably 150 year old oak tree fell when we were gone and he is planning on cutting it up... ( Yeah,  uh after you back procedure, before going through all of the implants and stuff to organize or what.)  

I get this. 

I'm married to the same guy. And now that he's getting older, he feels that he should keep the same pace that he did 20 years ago and he can't and that makes him irritable. Which is fine, but ONLY as long as he keeps that feeling to himself and doesn't take it out on me. 

"Dear, I love you and love that you are so passionately driven. You know I'm not that same and that's fine. But when that drivenness makes you crabby toward me, it's not okay. So you can either learn to manage more gracefully, or change your pace. I don't care. But if you push yourself too hard that's NOT MY FAULT. So don't act like it is."

But this conversation wouldn't be about last night's sigh. This would be an overall conversation about life 

I don't expect a person to be perfect. Some days life is overwhelming and we're snippy. But if someone can't see that their drive is making them consistently hard to live with, that IS a problem. 

[TexasProud]

8 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I wonder if you disassociate at moments of conflict. Super common trauma response—it’s more than just freezing. 

Yes, I probably do.  I mean at the smallest change in a facial expression that signals displeasure.