Dh’s XW

[Scarlett]

So. The boys are grown. We have no need to ever see her— for years now. Heard she divorced the man she left Dh for. That affair did not last. She lived with another man for several  years —-she recently moved out and is alone now.

The another night she showed up at a public event where we were.  Invited by her son. I greeted her warmly. I even inexplicably hugged her.  Took her around and introduced her to several people as dss’s mom. 
 

The next night she texts Dh ‘accidentally’. A text intended for dss23. There is zero chance it was an accident. 
 

Dh did not respond. Forwarded text to dss 23.

But all my kind feelings toward her have left the building. Anyone experience this out of an X spouse or your current spouse X spouse?

[Indigo Blue]

Oh, wow. That is odd. Don’t have experience with that, but I can understand your feeling that way. 

[Katy]

Not me, but my older half brother’s mom hit on my dad repeatedly - in front of my mom, later my stepmom, and then in front of me. I think she was married to her second husband every time. Despite her rumored repeated  affairs, her second husband never divorced her. 

I also had completely strange women when I was growing up and even into my 20’s ask if my dad was my dad, and how his marriage to my stepmom was going. It was creepy. I guess some women really like cops. As far as I can tell my dad was really only interested in women who were initially not interested in him. 

[hjffkj]

I think that is pretty common in the world of ex spouses.  Once they find themselves alone they reach out to what they were once familiar with.  Thankfully, we have not dealt with this with dh's ex.  They have no children together so truly no reason to ever 'accidentally' reach out. 

[Heartstrings]

I would probably view the text as her putting out a feeler.  I think his not responding was the best response.  Hopefully, she will get the message. 

[Scarlett]

It really really annoys me because I have been working so hard on letting go of anger and grudges. She really put us through heck back in the day. She is the cause of dh’s 7 year estrangement from their oldest son. And do so much more. 
 

[KungFuPanda]

I wouldn’t freak over a one off. If it happened again I’d retroactively count it against her, but spinning out now serves no purpose. It doesn’t mean you wasted your time treating her like a human being. I’ve definitely sent a text to the wrong person before so I’m not sure why it’s completely impossible it was an accident. Even if it was a clumsy attempt to reach out it may never happen again. 

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I wouldn’t freak over a one off. If it happened again I’d retroactively count it against her, but spinning out now serves no purpose. It doesn’t mean you wasted your time treating her like a human being. I’ve definitely sent a text to the wrong person before so I’m not sure why it’s completely impossible it was an accident. Even if it was a clumsy attempt to reach out it may never happen again. 

It  has been three days and I am pretty calm but I definitely don’t trust her. 
 

[Katy]

I think there’s no moral problem with trying to sit with an attitude of grace towards her and simultaneously not trusting her when she’s proven repeatedly she can’t be trusted. 

[Scarlett]

Well sure no moral problem, just difficulty doing so.  Lol

[Carol in Cal.]

Shrug.  You were the bigger person.  This is further proof.

[BusyMom5]

I wouldn't have taken her around and introduced her.  Healthy boundaries!  Cordial, polite, but separate.

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, BusyMom5 said:

I wouldn't have taken her around and introduced her.  Healthy boundaries!  Cordial, polite, but separate.

Well obviously if I thought she would be putting feelers out to  husband the next day I would have been less accommodating .  

[Arcadia]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Well obviously if I thought she would be putting feelers out to  husband the next day I would have been less accommodating .  

Might not be a bad thing to have introduce her to your friends/acquaintances as your husband’s ex. Better than she spinning whatever tale she wants to spin to them.

[Scarlett]

7 hours ago, Arcadia said:

Might not be a bad thing to have introduce her to your friends/acquaintances as your husband’s ex. Better than she spinning whatever tale she wants to spin to them.

Part of the reason I felt like being kind is that it took a lot of courage to walk into a group of people that are all my friend’s and dh’s friends.  They are all very well aware of what she did to us because they lived through it in real time with us.  
 

[Spryte]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Part of the reason I felt like being kind is that it took a lot of courage to walk into a group of people that are all my friend’s and dh’s friends.  They are all very well aware of what she did to us because they lived through it in real time with us.  
 

I don’t think being kind is often the wrong thing to do. You took the high road. Feel good about that part of what happened. You acted on what-should-be, what your DSS should have — and what you’d want for him, right? 

If things escalate past the “mistaken” text, you can reevaluate, but for now, I’d try to let this one go. I know it’s hard, and it’s ok to need to disect the entire experience and rethink it and second guess. You reached out in a kind way, and if she oversteps and shows her claws — you will circle the wagons and redraw your firm boundaries. You know how to do that with her. She’s taught you.

I lived a lot of years, ok decades, with that when-will-the-other-shoe-drop feeling from DSS’s hostile bio mom. I get it. The history is there, it won’t go away, and yet some of us (at times) still want to reach out and help effect healing for our SKs’ sake. At least, I did. I tried periodically, was rebuffed or worse (really, the cruelness some people can find within them is astounding), and each time redrew better boundaries, coming out of it feeling good about myself and my values, and a better understanding of the boundaries that DSS’s biomom needed. I did, finally, stop, though had she lived longer — who knows? I don’t look back on any of the times I sincerely reached out to her with regret, though, and I hope that you can feel that same peace, too.

Edited March 29 by Spryte

[zimom]

If you are secure with your DH, there is no reason at all to worry about what she does.

Not exactly the same thing but my husband's ex-GF was always trying to stir up trouble when we were dating.  I thought we were finished with her antics when we moved away to go to college.  Several years later we were married and our first child was about six months old and she called our home in the middle of the day looking for my husband, the best of my memory is I was home from work under the weather.  I can't even imagine what she went through to find out his phone number at that time.   I was cordial to her and when I hung up the phone I just shook my head.  Of course, when he arrived home that night I just laughed letting him know his old GF had resurfaced trying to track him down.   We have been together about 40 years now and another woman is not something I worry about.  

[Scarlett]

33 minutes ago, zimom said:

If you are secure with your DH, there is no reason at all to worry about what she does.

 

I can hold two thoughts in my head and they are……..I am secure with my relationship with my Dh and I also don’t like another woman trying to put out feelers to see if he will bite.  I am not ‘worried’…….I am annoyed that she has so little respect for marriage that she feels entitled to attempt that.  But then  again why am I surprised.  Her history is pretty consistent. 

[Scarlett]

On 3/28/2024 at 3:34 PM, Scarlett said:

So. The boys are grown. We have no need to ever see her— for years now. Heard she divorced the man she left Dh for. That affair did not last. She lived with another man for several  years —-she recently moved out and is alone now.

The another night she showed up at a public event where we were.  Invited by her son. I greeted her warmly. I even inexplicably hugged her.  Took her around and introduced her to several people as dss’s mom. 
 

The next night she texts Dh ‘accidentally’. A text intended for dss23. There is zero chance it was an accident. 
 

Dh did not respond. Forwarded text to dss 23.

But all my kind feelings toward her have left the building. Anyone experience this out of an X spouse or your current spouse X spouse?

Quoting myself to correct the bolded because I think it is important to the story.  I did not take her around.  I asked her if dss had saved her a seat…..she said dss’s girlfriend had.  So I said well let’s find gf.  I handed her off to gf and then in a few minutes saw her sitting alone….gf had gone off with her friends.  So I then took several people over…one at a time….to introduce them to dss’s mom.  
 

I felt sorry for her.  

[Murphy101]

On 3/28/2024 at 3:34 PM, Scarlett said:

But all my kind feelings toward her have left the building. Anyone experience this out of an X spouse or your current spouse X spouse?

No experience with that kind of x but otherwise -

That is absolutely the accurate response in that situation and I’d totally have felt the same way. 100% Llama mama/wife over here.😆

 

[Scarlett]

8 hours ago, Spryte said:

I don’t think being kind is often the wrong thing to do. You took the high road. Feel good about that part of what happened. You acted on what-should-be, what your DSS should have — and what you’d want for him, right? 

If things escalate past the “mistaken” text, you can reevaluate, but for now, I’d try to let this one go. I know it’s hard, and it’s ok to need to disect the entire experience and rethink it and second guess. You reached out in a kind way, and if she oversteps and shows her claws — you will circle the wagons and redraw your firm boundaries. You know how to do that with her. She’s taught you.

I lived a lot of years, ok decades, with that when-will-the-other-shoe-drop feeling from DSS’s hostile bio mom. I get it. The history is there, it won’t go away, and yet some of us (at times) still want to reach out and help effect healing for our SKs’ sake. At least, I did. I tried periodically, was rebuffed or worse (really, the cruelness some people can find within them is astounding), and each time redrew better boundaries, coming out of it feeling good about myself and my values, and a better understanding of the boundaries that DSS’s biomom needed. I did, finally, stop, though had she lived longer — who knows? I don’t look back on any of the times I sincerely reached out to her with regret, though, and I hope that you can feel that same peace, too.

@Spryte I just wanted to say I think you get the situation better than anyone. I do not regret my kindness.  I think she has made a mess of her life and my life is pretty great.  I don’t know what will happen to her but it is largely, mostly not my problem.