Helping DD process events

[Spryte]

We had a hard week last week, and 12 yo DD is sensitive, quiet, and feeling some effects. 20 yo DS is a talker, and has talked, talked, talked it all out, but DD is quiet — she has needed extra hugs, but not ready to talk a lot. Yesterday a mistake in art class sent her into a big ugly cry, and we decided it was the culmination of the whole week.

Is there anything else I can do to help her? We’ve had lots of time together, games, movies, art, the Big Cry yesterday. Is there something specific I can do to help process it more?

FWIW, lots of you already know — my DH was out of the country and I had two unexplained anaphylactic emergencies, ambulance rides, a whole lot of sick time and wondering when/if it might happen again, and a third near-emergency when DD was home alone with me and had to be ready with the epipen and phone for 911. DD was calm, brave, and did all the right things, even when I was confused and not calm (the ER doc said most people panic when throat closes, but I wanted to think I would be calm — ha. No.) DD and DS have anaphylactic allergies so seeing me go through this was personal (hopefully not instructive). 

Any advice for how to help my sweet DD process what happened? 

Obviously, we are making an action plan to post on the fridge, in case it happens again, since we don’t know the trigger.
 

 

Edited March 26 by Spryte

[mommyoffive]

Maybe some counseling?  I wonder if there would be some specialized counseling from the hospital that deals with family dealing with medical issues in a family.  A support group?  

Sending some hugs to your dd.  That had to be so hard for her to go through.

[saraha]

Aww, hugs to all of you 

[Kassia]

57 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

Maybe some counseling?  I wonder if there would be some specialized counseling from the hospital that deals with family dealing with medical issues in a family.  A support group?  

Sending some hugs to your dd.  That had to be so hard for her to go through.

Counseling is a good idea.  

We went through two years when I had recurrent medical emergencies and surgeries.  Most of the time, DH was home but sometimes he'd be out of town and dd is my youngest and was the only one home at the time.  My dd was a sensitive teen then and it was very stressful for her and I felt so horrible and guilty about it.  She wouldn't talk about it and wouldn't go to counseling, but I do wonder how that affected her long-term.  

I'm sending hugs too.  What a horrible time for all of you.

[Xahm]

Hugs to you, and I'm following. My kids have a young cousin in the hospital, and the outlook is not at all good. I'm struggling to give the right amount of information the right way, but in the end I'm not going to be able to protect my kids completely. Bad stuff happens, and it's so hard to see our kids have to process that. (Much harder on the parents and sisters of the cousin in question, in a way that can't even be compared, of course!)

[Spryte]

29 minutes ago, Xahm said:

Hugs to you, and I'm following. My kids have a young cousin in the hospital, and the outlook is not at all good. I'm struggling to give the right amount of information the right way, but in the end I'm not going to be able to protect my kids completely. Bad stuff happens, and it's so hard to see our kids have to process that. (Much harder on the parents and sisters of the cousin in question, in a way that can't even be compared, of course!)

I’m so sorry to hear about your kids’ young cousin. That is so hard. 

[dsmith]

My adult spectrum ds found my mil at the bottom of the stairs unconscious in the middle of the night, after obviously falling from the top of the stairs. It took him a long time to not jump at every sound at night or constantly check her during the day if he heard anything after she was back home, at least a year. One thing that helped in our situation was getting her a life alert pendant even though she is rarely alone in the house. There are 4 of us besides mil living here, but my son was the only one who thought he heard something the night she fell and got up to check. He has settled into a state of readiness to check on her if a loud sound is heard during the day or night or if her alert goes off (we all have!), but he no longer jumps at every little sound. While the life alert helped, time was the biggest factor. I have seen that myself with a traumatizing choking issue I experienced - it took me a few months to get back to somewhat normal, and I even had to go back on anxiety meds.

He will hold on to things that upset him and not want to discuss them, but he was willing to discuss what happened right away, especially as the fall was quite serious and led to mil being in the hospital and rehab for about 4 months. He understood immediately that she may have died if he didn't check out the sound that night, but we didn't want that to be made into a big deal knowing how he would be when she got home. 

[kbutton]

Adding to the chorus for counseling—you might check for a recommendation for one through the closest large children’s hospital as they might know counselors experienced with these issues. If you aren’t part of a support group for people vulnerable to these kinds of things, I encourage you to join one and make sure there is an option for kids/teens. (My teen has a rare disorder, and the online support group for people with his disorder and similar disorders is amazing.)

[Drama Llama]

Art therapy has been good for my youngest who has had his share of trauma and then some.

Knowing you have a plan would probably help too.

I think connecting with others with similar experiences would be good.  Is there a food allergy camp you could access?

[Bambam]

I would think counseling,  but for me and I think my kiddos - a discussed and written out plan, step-by-step, posted on the frig, maybe also shared electronically so everyone has access no matter where - is a source of comfort.  And when I mean step-by-step, I do mean step-by-step, do this, call this person (number written down); take car keys (kept this location), mom's wallet, mom's phone, phone charger; etc. etc. Because in an emergency situation, it is nice to have that step-by-step so you feel more comfortable you didn't forget anything critical. 

[Terabith]

I might also look into EMDR for her.  It’s amazingly fast and effective, and this kind of trauma (discrete events) is what it’s best at. 

[EKS]

By assuming that she needs help to process these events, and then giving her that help (either in the form of counseling or simply you focusing on her feelings about it all), you are sending her the message that people don't process such things on their own.  Since this isn't true, I'd proceed from the assumption that she will naturally emerge from this period intact within a few weeks and not keep the focus on it.  

 

[Chris in VA]

As an alternative to EMDR trauma counseling, you could look into TIR--Traumatic Incident Reduction. Fast, specific, and effective for processing difficult situations. Also great for more complex traumas and PTSD. 

And, having a very specific plan for "next time" could be empowering. 

Sorry things have been difficult. 

[Clarita]

I agree with the counseling. If a therapist isn't going to happen, then an adult outside your family somewhat trained (or just really good) in talking to people. That helped me process hard stuff that happened in my teens. Sometimes it's just hard to talk to your parents and family about really hard stuff. I wanted to say for teens, but that's not true because it is still hard sometimes as an adult. 

It might have been hard for my parents that I never talked to them about the hard stuff that happened in my teens. In hindsight I'm pretty sure my mom asked my youth pastor to talk to me about it (because seriously how else did he know and it never dawned on me back then that this happened because I was so relieved to have an adult to talk to). Talking to my family about it would have not worked because 1) I needed to process all my feelings ("right" and "wrong") and 2) I needed to speak with someone who's completely outside the situation so that halfway through the conversation the adult I'm talking to doesn't also breakdown. Since she sounds like a smart sweet girl, she can't put you in that position, because she loves and cares about you.   

[AmandaVT]

On 3/26/2024 at 1:40 PM, Terabith said:

I might also look into EMDR for her.  It’s amazingly fast and effective, and this kind of trauma (discrete events) is what it’s best at. 

Yes! It is great for longer term PTSD but it's just as effective to help process a one time event. Some situations I have heard of where it's helped: after a home invasion, after a wasp attack, after a fire, anything unexpected and traumatic. One or two sessions can be very helpful. 

[Spryte]

Ok, we have a great therapy center right around the corner, and a relationship with them. I will call and see if they have a suggestion for a good match for DD. They do EMDR, among other things, so if that is warranted — we will follow their lead. 

Everyone here is still a bit jumpy, but DD is most definitely the most focused on a potential repeat, often asking throughout the day how I am. The tricky part is it was idiopathic, and we do not know the trigger(s), and have been warned it can happen again. So we are making action plans, and we do indeed have to pay attention — so caution and awareness is warranted. I just don’t want her to feel upset or unheard about it.

In interesting, I think positive news: our dog was injured today, and DD was the one to let her in and the first to see. DD immediately verbalized a 3 step plan for how to manage it, and talked herself and DH through it. I am going to call this a positive, because she felt empowered and confident to do so. (Our dog is ok now — minor cut that bled a lot — all clean and good now, we hope.)