NewIma Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 I am looking for suggestions for encouraging independence in teens. Dd14 struggles with anxiety, depression, and PMDD. These things meant that typical kid activities like sleepovers or summer camp weren't an option for a very long time. Overnight summer camp is still not an option. We also moved across the country this summer which actually didn't make things worse, but kept us in a holding pattern. Although she is charming, funny, and extroverted, she is very dependent on us socially. She likes seeing her friends, but doesn't arrange get togethers on her own, or to talk/text with them between visits. She doesn't keep her own schedule/calendar. I'm struggling a bit because her friends where we used to live all went to public school this year(9th) and are posting homecoming pictures with dates etc. Now my brain is spiraling and I'm worried we've held her back socially somehow without meaning to. That is a long winded way to ask, how have other parents encouraged more social independence in their homeschooled teen? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 I didn't.... .. They went off to university or TAFE in their late teens and didn't have the slightest problem. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 A 14yo dating and in charge of their own social calendar, so you don't know what is going on, sounds like more of a problem that what you've got to me! Does your dd feel this is a problem? If she doesn't, I reckon it isn't one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewIma Posted October 18, 2021 Author Share Posted October 18, 2021 19 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said: I didn't.... .. They went off to university or TAFE in their late teens and didn't have the slightest problem. I like hearing that! Were your kids similar in their social habits? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewIma Posted October 18, 2021 Author Share Posted October 18, 2021 10 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said: A 14yo dating and in charge of their own social calendar, so you don't know what is going on, sounds like more of a problem that what you've got to me! LOL True! 10 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said: Does your dd feel this is a problem? If she doesn't, I reckon it isn't one. She hasn't expressed that she thinks it is a problem. It is just so different from how I was. I always was talking on the phone with my friends and asking my mom to do stuff. She just...doesn't... It is hard for me to understand and then I worry I've sheltered her too much. It is kind of funny to think there are other homeschoolers who talk about family focused teens as the ideal, but now I've got one it makes me nervous! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 (edited) Are there activities specifically for teen homeschoolers in your area where your dd could meet other homeschooled teens? Sports classes or teams, fine arts, speech and debate, etc.? I didn't shelter my dc from non-homeschoolers -- in high school, all three of my dc have had close friends who were not homeschooled -- but the most healthy friendships my teens had were among the other homeschooled teens. I'm continually amazed the more I learn from my dc about how their homeschooled friends have really had their backs, offered support, understanding, etc. And sometimes it takes trying different activities with the same kids. One of my dc knew a bunch of nice kids through fine arts classes for many years, but it wasn't until playing sports together that they became true friends and sought each other out for social activities. Edited October 18, 2021 by klmama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 14 minutes ago, NewIma said: LOL True! She hasn't expressed that she thinks it is a problem. It is just so different from how I was. I always was talking on the phone with my friends and asking my mom to do stuff. She just...doesn't... It is hard for me to understand and then I worry I've sheltered her too much. It is kind of funny to think there are other homeschoolers who talk about family focused teens as the ideal, but now I've got one it makes me nervous! She sounds fine. 🙂 If she wanted to go somewhere or do something or phone someone, she'd probably say so, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 39 minutes ago, NewIma said: I like hearing that! Were your kids similar in their social habits? My kids hardly talked to anyone when teens. You know that yeh, nah, don't know song. That is an exact representation on How my teens were They were extremely quiet We live remote, so their opportunity to actually meet people was limited. We did do basketball so they had to do some communication with others of a similar age Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoeless Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 3 hours ago, NewIma said: LOL True! She hasn't expressed that she thinks it is a problem. It is just so different from how I was. I always was talking on the phone with my friends and asking my mom to do stuff. She just...doesn't... It is hard for me to understand and then I worry I've sheltered her too much. It is kind of funny to think there are other homeschoolers who talk about family focused teens as the ideal, but now I've got one it makes me nervous! I have the boy version of this child, age 13. He's always been a homebody. Even as a wee guy, he was perfectly happy to hang out with mom and dad. He hated drop off classes and didn't like the idea of sleepovers. There was only one time that he was excited about going to a friend's house, (and we couldn't even go because the mom got sick! So of course I feel guilty about that *one* time he seemed into it and we couldn't go!!) He's never asked to have a friend over; I have always been the one to suggest and set up social time. It is SO different from how I was growing up. But he's fine. He says he's content, and he still likes hanging out with me ❤️ 14 is still pretty young. I was not at all ready to date at 14. I went on one date at that age, and then didn't date again for almost a year. I knew plenty of other kids that didn't feel ready to date until they were juniors or seniors in high school. They all turned out fine, with jobs, friends, spouse, kids, etc. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 (edited) It wasn’t till about 16-17 that my teens started doing that kind of stuff. I have an almost 14 yo boy and he’s more like your dd. He enjoys the fun of some classes and all but I manage his get togethers and activities. My older girls were the same. Edited October 18, 2021 by fairfarmhand 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cintinative Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 (edited) 18 hours ago, NewIma said: She hasn't expressed that she thinks it is a problem. It is just so different from how I was. I always was talking on the phone with my friends and asking my mom to do stuff. She just...doesn't... I don't have girls so I can't really say this with certainty but I get the impression that kids don't do the talking on the phone for hours thing anymore. I have no idea how many hours I spent twirling a phone cord as a teen, but my kids would rather gouge out an eye than actually speak on the phone for more than two minutes. As someone with PMDD, my unsolicited advice is that it is super important for her to understand her own body and when her lows hit and to understand how that will impact all of her thinking about her relationships over those days. I unfortunately didn't know I had PMDD as a teen--I didn't figure it out until much later. Sometimes knowing what is going on, and being able to verbalize that (to you or a trusted friend) can really help in the rough spots. Edited October 18, 2021 by cintinative 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 My kids were all very introverted and homebodies as teens but they really really changed in college! Three went to ps and my youngest was homeschooled. Only one is still introverted as an adult and he's an Aspie so that might contribute. But even he is more social than he used to be. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted October 19, 2021 Share Posted October 19, 2021 20 hours ago, NewIma said: I am looking for suggestions for encouraging independence in teens. Dd14 struggles with anxiety, depression, and PMDD. Medical conditions require medical treatment by licensed professionals. Get the conditions treated as much as possible, then add non-medical approaches. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewIma Posted October 19, 2021 Author Share Posted October 19, 2021 22 hours ago, klmama said: Are there activities specifically for teen homeschoolers in your area where your dd could meet other homeschooled teens? Sports classes or teams, fine arts, speech and debate, etc.? I didn't shelter my dc from non-homeschoolers -- in high school, all three of my dc have had close friends who were not homeschooled -- but the most healthy friendships my teens had were among the other homeschooled teens. I'm continually amazed the more I learn from my dc about how their homeschooled friends have really had their backs, offered support, understanding, etc. And sometimes it takes trying different activities with the same kids. One of my dc knew a bunch of nice kids through fine arts classes for many years, but it wasn't until playing sports together that they became true friends and sought each other out for social activities. Thanks for sharing. The ideas that different activities with the same kids can help build relationships is very interesting. I am going to have marinate on that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewIma Posted October 19, 2021 Author Share Posted October 19, 2021 5 hours ago, cintinative said: I don't have girls so I can't really say this with certainty but I get the impression that kids don't do the talking on the phone for hours thing anymore. I have no idea how many hours I spent twirling a phone cord as a teen, but my kids would rather gouge out an eye than actually speak on the phone for more than two minutes. As someone with PMDD, my unsolicited advice is that it is super important for her to understand her own body and when her lows hit and to understand how that will impact all of her thinking about her relationships over those days. I unfortunately didn't know I had PMDD as a teen--I didn't figure it out until much later. Sometimes knowing what is going on, and being able to verbalize that (to you or a trusted friend) can really help in the rough spots. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry it took so long to figure it out for you. DD looked it up last week and said most people don't get diagnosed with PMDD until they are in their 20s. DD, dh, and I are so relieved to have an explanation for what she is going through. Knowing you aren't alone and having a name for what you are experiencing is a game changer. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewIma Posted October 19, 2021 Author Share Posted October 19, 2021 Thank you all for your thoughts. It seems my kid isn't the only one who isn't actively seeking out social interaction and that will hopefully come with some more time. I do think kids today are missing out by not talking on the phone for hours a day but that is my own old fashioned opinion! Lol 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted October 19, 2021 Share Posted October 19, 2021 On 10/17/2021 at 10:58 PM, NewIma said: I am looking for suggestions for encouraging independence in teens. Dd14 struggles with anxiety, depression, and PMDD. These things meant that typical kid activities like sleepovers or summer camp weren't an option for a very long time. Overnight summer camp is still not an option. We also moved across the country this summer which actually didn't make things worse, but kept us in a holding pattern. Although she is charming, funny, and extroverted, she is very dependent on us socially. She likes seeing her friends, but doesn't arrange get togethers on her own, or to talk/text with them between visits. She doesn't keep her own schedule/calendar. I'm struggling a bit because her friends where we used to live all went to public school this year(9th) and are posting homecoming pictures with dates etc. Now my brain is spiraling and I'm worried we've held her back socially somehow without meaning to. That is a long winded way to ask, how have other parents encouraged more social independence in their homeschooled teen? Well, when I was a child/young teen back in the day, I didn't "arrange get-togethers," either. I didn't have a calendar, or a schedule, other than going to school. Never went to camp, except for a day camp when I was 13. I rarely did a sleep-over. You say she's charming, funny, and extroverted. She also struggles with anxiety, depression, and PMDD. Honestly, I don't think she needs to be more "independent" right now. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth86 Posted October 19, 2021 Share Posted October 19, 2021 7 hours ago, Ellie said: Well, when I was a child/young teen back in the day, I didn't "arrange get-togethers," either. I didn't have a calendar, or a schedule, other than going to school. Never went to camp, except for a day camp when I was 13. I rarely did a sleep-over. You say she's charming, funny, and extroverted. She also struggles with anxiety, depression, and PMDD. Honestly, I don't think she needs to be more "independent" right now. Same. I didn’t really enjoy doing all those things. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 19, 2021 Share Posted October 19, 2021 I keep reading this thread title as 'Encouraging Independence in Texas' and I keep thinking, 'Since when does TX need encouragement to be independent?' 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted October 19, 2021 Share Posted October 19, 2021 I would encourage her to keep her own calendar whether there's a lot on it or not. Maybe bullet journaling? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted October 19, 2021 Share Posted October 19, 2021 1 hour ago, Scarlett said: I keep reading this thread title as 'Encouraging Independence in Texas' and I keep thinking, 'Since when does TX need encouragement to be independent?' I almost posted this exact same thing! :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted October 19, 2021 Share Posted October 19, 2021 I really don't know that independence as teens should be sought. Some teens do well being independent, but it doesn't mean that it's a goal. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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