Child Not Interested in B&M class? Should I push

[NewIma]

Hello! My dd14 is going into 9th grade. She has been homeschooled her whole life and struggles with intense anxiety. We have just moved to a state where homeschoolers can take 1 or 2 classes a semester at the public schools. My dh and I thought in 10th we would like her to take chemistry at the public school and so this year we would have dd take a fine arts class to get her feet wet. DD is extremely resistant and doesn't want to take any public school classes. She says she doesn't want anything to do with public school social dynamics and prefers homeschoolers who she sees as kinder and more mature. So what do I do with that? Do we make her do it which will create a lot of drama and anxiety (at least for the first few months) or drop it?  What would you do? 

My siblings and I were all homeschooled but did take a few community college courses in high school. I feel like some classrooms experience is helpful. Can I have her be prepared for college without that? Are there any good online chemistry classes that are comparable to  being in person? 

Thank you for your thoughts.

[RootAnn]

Well, my oldest took an in person college class for the first time spring of junior year. My next didn't take an in person class until fall of freshman year. They were not ready before then. Neither one was disadvantaged by waiting. 

I'd let her mature further before requiring something like that. And, she might have a point about the dynamics. Maybe she'd prefer a local in person homeschooling co-op class first?

And, as far as high quality Chem, Clover Valley Chem taught by our own Connie is the best.

[8filltheheart]

My dd who just graduated from college with a 4.0 never stepped foot inside a classroom until her freshman yr of college. My rising college sophomore still hasn't. This fall will be her first time ever in an in-person class.

I think managing workload and knowing how to learn/study is what matters. FWIW, I wouldn't even contemplate asking my kids to take a class at a ps. I dont even expect them to take an outsourced class for most subjects.

[Roadrunner]

You could wait a year or two and then let her take some DE courses at a community college. She won’t have to deal with high school dynamics there, and it will be a good way to prepare for a true college experience if you think it’s important. I wouldn’t push high school courses unless my kid wanted to take them. 

[Farrar]

Honestly, I think most of the online options for chemistry with a live teacher are going to be as good as or better (ahem, like Clover Valley) than what she'll get at a public school chemistry class. The primary reasons to use a local public school in my mind would be the cost if you can't afford a good online course and the access to a social group if you lack community. You haven't mentioned budget and obviously the latter is a drawback, not a selling point. So... why do it? I can't see any reasons.

[Alicia64]

1 hour ago, 8filltheheart said:

My dd who just graduated from college with a 4.0 never stepped foot inside a classroom until her freshman yr of college. My rising college sophomore still hasn't. This fall will be her first time ever in an in-person class.

I think managing workload and knowing how to learn/study is what matters. FWIW, I wouldn't even contemplate asking my kids to take a class at a ps. I dont even expect them to take an outsourced class for most subjects.

You must be SO proud!!

 

[Miss Tick]

I agree with what pp have said above, but I'm curious about her painting of all public school dynamics as bad and all homeschoolers as better.. That has not uniformly been the case in my neck of the woods, and even if it was true in your previous location it may not be in your new one. Probably you were simplifying her position to fit it into a forum post, but perhaps that mindset should be examined on its own. I mean, that alone might be a reason to encourage talking a fine arts class, just to see if it is actually true where you are. Plus it might be a way to connect with like-minded teens.

I would still take chemistry from Connie because that is a great class, but i might encourage the art class on its own merits.

[Loowit]

I would not push it.  My DD wanted to take drama at the local high school her sophomore year of high school.  It ended up being a really bad experience for her, and she wanted to be there.  She did not feel like that experience helped to prepare her for college classes.  DD went to community college after she graduated high school and did wonderfully, and is transferring as a junior to a four year college this fall.

My recently graduated DS never took any outside classes at the local high school, nor are we planning to have youngest take any.

[kristin0713]

I wouldn't require it for next year, but I would definitely start working on the anxiety and do some outside activities or a co-op class.  For my upcoming 10th grader, I enrolled her in several live online classes for next year.  I'm doing this to give her increased accountability and independence and get her used to planning and meeting deadlines according to a set schedule. I'm hoping to enroll her in some classes in person for 11th and 12th grades, but I think this will be a good step towards that. 

[Clemsondana]

She probably wouldn't get sucked into too much public school dynamics in the 1 hr each day that she'd be there.  That being said, every school and group has a personality and she won't know what it's like at this school unless she tries it. In our experience here, most of the homeschooled kids are friendly and welcoming...but others have encountered cliques.  My older plays on a public school sports team and just took a drivers ed class with public and private school kids at a local company.  Kid says that in both groups most of the kids are pleasant, whether quiet or outgoing, and a couple are obnoxious in a way that kid hadn't encountered with homeschooled kids (but that teachers of homeschooled kids would say that they do encounter, but maybe less often than teachers at schools).  

I think that the anxiety is keeping her from being willing to try it - it's a fine arts class, so you could always drop it after 2 weeks if she hates it.  I don't think it's necessary to have classroom experience, but this particular child may need long-term exposure to it when the stakes are low to feel comfortable with it when she's actually going to need to do it in college.  There's a difference between 'I haven't taken a class in a classroom' and 'I'm afraid to take a class in a classroom'.  We can offer pros and cons and our own experiences but probably can't tell you much about when it's the right time to help her deal with the anxiety.  

[NewIma]

On 7/12/2021 at 8:53 AM, SusanC said:

I agree with what pp have said above, but I'm curious about her painting of all public school dynamics as bad and all homeschoolers as better.. That has not uniformly been the case in my neck of the woods, and even if it was true in your previous location it may not be in your new one. Probably you were simplifying her position to fit it into a forum post, but perhaps that mindset should be examined on its own. I mean, that alone might be a reason to encourage talking a fine arts class, just to see if it is actually true where you are. Plus it might be a way to connect with like-minded teens.

I would still take chemistry from Connie because that is a great class, but i might encourage the art class on its own merits.

Yes, I agree that her stereotype is off based. She has mostly hung out with homeschoolers and then had a bad expert in a youth group of public school kids and is generalizing that to all public school children which is problematic. 

[NewIma]

19 hours ago, kristin0713 said:

I wouldn't require it for next year, but I would definitely start working on the anxiety and do some outside activities or a co-op class.  For my upcoming 10th grader, I enrolled her in several live online classes for next year.  I'm doing this to give her increased accountability and independence and get her used to planning and meeting deadlines according to a set schedule. I'm hoping to enroll her in some classes in person for 11th and 12th grades, but I think this will be a good step towards that. 

Yes, I've been thinking about this. If she doesn't do a public school class than I will probably sign her up for another virtual class to work on those skills and accountability. We are also working on the anxiety part but that is an ongoing (possibly life long) project. I struggle because I worry that by not making her take the class I am not making her face/manage her anxiety and that could make it harder down the road.

Edited July 13, 2021 by NewIma

[NewIma]

33 minutes ago, Clemsondana said:

 

I think that the anxiety is keeping her from being willing to try it - it's a fine arts class, so you could always drop it after 2 weeks if she hates it.  I don't think it's necessary to have classroom experience, but this particular child may need long-term exposure to it when the stakes are low to feel comfortable with it when she's actually going to need to do it in college.  There's a difference between 'I haven't taken a class in a classroom' and 'I'm afraid to take a class in a classroom'.  We can offer pros and cons and our own experiences but probably can't tell you much about when it's the right time to help her deal with the anxiety.  

Yes to this! That is where I am getting hung up! I don't want to reinforce this anxiety. A classroom will be in her future eventually. 

[8filltheheart]

I have kids with pretty serious anxiety issues (one of our ds's is an Aspie who is disabled by anxiety.)  Both of the dd's I described in my OP struggle with anxiety.  College classrooms have far different dynamics than ps classrooms.  My college sophomore who has never been in a classroom made a big enough impression with her professors online this past yr that she was recommended for a research position with a mentor professor.  She started working for him on campus this summer.  I am not concerned about her going to on campus classes in the fall.  I think they will actually be easier than the online versions of last yr.  

[Loowit]

I don't think it is a good idea to push someone with anxiety into a social situation that they are totally opposed to.  Perhaps it would be better to address the anxiety with a therapist first, and get their take on how to best approach this.  If all you are looking for is outside influence/accountability you could look into other opportunities like co-op classes, online classes w/ interaction online, sports, parks & rec, etc. which she might find less objectionable.

If it is any help, my DD has social anxiety and she has done wonderful in college classes.  She has made a lot of friends and is getting good grades.  I never pushed her too hard on any of the activities or classes she was involved in.  I did encourage her to get out and try new things, but in the end I left the decisions up to her.  She has learned to manage her anxiety, even if it is a struggle at time, but pushing her too hard too fast would have been a complete disaster.

[Janeway]

On 7/11/2021 at 5:02 PM, NewIma said:

Hello! My dd14 is going into 9th grade. She has been homeschooled her whole life and struggles with intense anxiety. We have just moved to a state where homeschoolers can take 1 or 2 classes a semester at the public schools. My dh and I thought in 10th we would like her to take chemistry at the public school and so this year we would have dd take a fine arts class to get her feet wet. DD is extremely resistant and doesn't want to take any public school classes. She says she doesn't want anything to do with public school social dynamics and prefers homeschoolers who she sees as kinder and more mature. So what do I do with that? Do we make her do it which will create a lot of drama and anxiety (at least for the first few months) or drop it?  What would you do? 

My siblings and I were all homeschooled but did take a few community college courses in high school. I feel like some classrooms experience is helpful. Can I have her be prepared for college without that? Are there any good online chemistry classes that are comparable to  being in person? 

Thank you for your thoughts.

High school and below does have pretty extreme social dynamics. And it is only way way worse now with social media and such. I would let it go if I were you. Just let her take community college courses when the time comes. 

[mathnerd]

4 hours ago, Clemsondana said:

She probably wouldn't get sucked into too much public school dynamics in the 1 hr each day that she'd be there. 

This is the reality in the large high schools that I have seen. If she is going to be on campus for an hour taking a single class, the chances are that the group that she will be put in will be drawn from different sections of the high school and even different grade levels. In my area, the Fine Arts graduation requirement can be fulfilled at any time in the 9-12th grade timeframe and the kids who take AP courses in 9th wait until their 12th grade to take the Fine Arts classes. So, the classes that I have visited during open houses have had almost 50% of the students from 11th and 12th in the Fine Arts classes. Given such a composition of classes, there is hardly any chance that she will get sucked deeply into public school dynamics or that she will have to deal with those dynamics. In fact, she would have to deal with the concept of being on campus for too short a time and that too inside a classroom that she hardly has any meaningful interactions with any kids there.

That being said, if it is Anxiety that makes her refuse, then you have to make a decision based on how you would like to handle that. Would it help her if there were other homeschool kids that she is friends with who are also taking classes at that public school? 

As for not wanting to be around public schoolers, eventually, she will have to be in college and then there will be public school kids attending classes with her. So, perhaps it is good to help her look at them not as a homogenous group who are undesirable and help her understand that there are good kids everywhere, even in public schools.

 

Edited July 13, 2021 by mathnerd

[katilac]

Both of my kids would have jumped off of a cliff before they took a class at a brick and mortar high school in 9th grade, lol. 

Both started dual enrollment at the main campus of a local university in 11th grade and did just fine. Plenty of other homeschoolers do no outside classes at all until university and also do fine. 

You truly do not have to 'practice' going to school. My kids didn't do co-op classes, they didn't do online classes, they didn't take a standardized test until the ACT. There are plenty of ways in life to learn accountability, and school does not automatically teach it - there are plenty of students who have been in school their entire lives who fail because they don't know how to study, beg for extentions because they don't don't know how to handle deadlines, and so on. 

fwiw, both of my kids do have clinical anxiety. The focus for us has always been on managing it in such a way that it didn't keep them from doing things they actually want to do. Yes, there are things in life that you have to do, but this isn't one of them unless you artificially create a requirement for it. 

While of course not all homeschool social situations are superior to public school social situations (same for people), I'd cut her some slack on this. She's young, she just moved, she doesn't want to do this, and she's probably saying anything that comes to mind that might stop it. 

I'd also think about how I would feel (as a parent) if I forced her to take classes and she unexpectedly loved it and decided she wanted to go full-time. Are you okay with that? If not, what's the rationale for it being so awesome that you force her to take classes there, yet not letting her go full-time? 

[Lecka]

I think if she really doesn’t want to keep going and honestly doesn’t like it, it’s really awkward to know if she really doesn’t like it or if she’s anxious.

There are other options to address anxiety that might be more practical.  
 

There is not only one way to address it.

 

To some extent you can make her go, but you can’t make her participate or interact.  
 

I think go farther in what your goal is.  Going to a public school class represents….. what?

 

Doing something with a large group?  Doing something typical?  Fulfilling an interest?  Benefiting from an opportunity better than alternatives?  
 

Do you want her to see she can do it so she will be less anxious in the future?  That can be a good thought process, but it needs to be something that is very likely to go well.  Something that is 50/50 for going well is also possible to have it go poorly and really backfire, leading to a poor experience, leading to more anxiety.

 

It can also use up your goodwill as a parent, if it turns out she’s right about it — then a year or two from now, you will not be in as good of a position to suggest things.  

 

If she talks you into letting her quit — even if you think it’s right — that can still set up her thinking she can talk you into letting her quit things.

 

It needs to be something where you are going to be so committed you won’t care if she’s miserable (to a certain level) or just look for something else in the first place.  

 

[Lecka]

https://news.yale.edu/2019/03/12/new-way-combat-childhood-anxiety-treat-parents
 

If you read this — are you going to be ready to say “I know you are feeling upset right now, but I think you will be okay,” and send her to school.

 

It may not come to that — but as a parent you have to have a high level of trust with the school or teacher, and a high desire for this specific thing to happen.  
 

You might need to make a plan with a counselor for what to do if your daughter feels sick at school or hides in the bathroom or any other things like that, which are totally things that anxious kids do in public school.  
 

 

[katilac]

8 hours ago, NewIma said:

Yes to this! That is where I am getting hung up! I don't want to reinforce this anxiety. A classroom will be in her future eventually. 

Most likely, yes, but read what 8 says below, and then read it again. It is crazily, incredibly true. Being in a high school classroom mostly prepares you for being in another high school classroom. 

8 hours ago, 8filltheheart said:

College classrooms have far different dynamics than ps classrooms.  

 

[Not_a_Number]

20 hours ago, Loowit said:

I don't think it is a good idea to push someone with anxiety into a social situation that they are totally opposed to.

I dunno about that. I used to think that, but then having watched some of our friends with anxious kids, this seems to sometimes get the kids locked into the anxiety and unable to surpass it. 

We have a friend with a kid who has selective mutism, and her therapy has involved exposure to social situations that, yes, make her quite uncomfortable. But without that, she wasn't speaking to people she didn't know at all. The therapy was definitely helpful. 

So I guess what I might do in a case like this is think about what exposure therapy might look like. Maybe an easy, fun class in a topic she's interested in, so she has some motivation? But I do think having such a strong stereotype and such strong anxiety about public school may be quite unhelpful to her. 

[Lecka]

I think sometimes a counselor can be really helpful for saying — what is an appropriate goal?  What is appropriate to say — this is a choice that is acceptable for a child to make to have autonomy, and when is at a point where parents override the child’s autonomy because that’s an ethical choice?

Context matters so much.  
 

It is really hard to know when to push kids and when to encourage their independence and autonomy — by being allowed to say no to something they don’t want to do.

I have NOT been able to do this without outside help, with two of my kids.  For one, a little outside perspective, but from someone who knew about the BIG picture, went a long way.  For another I needed tons of advice from a therapist to figure out what when to respect his wishes and when to think something was worth doing anyway.  
 

There are a lot of ethical considerations with exposure therapy, and it is supposed to where it is worth putting the child through it.  For a child who only speaks to family members — that is way on the side of “worth putting the kid through it.”  (Edit — I mean, I think it depends, but it’s a lot more restrictive to a child probably)
 

I did a long process of exposure therapy for one of my kids for him to tolerate wearing sunscreen and brushing his teeth.  
 

But he only likes one kind of toothpaste, and the therapist was like — no, you don’t do exposure therapy so he will use a different flavor of toothpaste.  
 

Really the best is to truly believe that the child will ultimately do better because now the thing is possible. That is a high bar.  
 

I think it is all context and talking to the child and the overall situation and overall — how limiting is the anxiety.  How great is the need for autonomy. What is the balance.  What is the greater need at the moment.  

What is tricky is kids have a great need for autonomy and independence appropriate to their age and skill level, and a parent-led exposure therapy is just going to be the opposite of that.

 

For one person I talked to with the outside perspective, I had ZERO self-awareness of some things she saw as relevant or contributing issues.  I was not seeing those things and was focused on things she thought were peripheral.  But I did not know that on my own.  She saw the big picture better than I did, I think.  

Edited July 14, 2021 by Lecka

[Loowit]

1 hour ago, Not_a_Number said:

I dunno about that. I used to think that, but then having watched some of our friends with anxious kids, this seems to sometimes get the kids locked into the anxiety and unable to surpass it. 

We have a friend with a kid who has selective mutism, and her therapy has involved exposure to social situations that, yes, make her quite uncomfortable. But without that, she wasn't speaking to people she didn't know at all. The therapy was definitely helpful. 

So I guess what I might do in a case like this is think about what exposure therapy might look like. Maybe an easy, fun class in a topic she's interested in, so she has some motivation? But I do think having such a strong stereotype and such strong anxiety about public school may be quite unhelpful to her. 

I see what you are saying, but I would guess the child with selective mutism was seeing a licensed therapist and the parents were following the advice of a trained therapist with years of experience.  Therapy can be very helpful for anxiety and other challenges.  However, it can be dangerous for an untrained parent on their own to decide to push their child, obviously depending on the resiliency of the child and the level of anxiety.  It may turn out well or it may turn into a disaster.

For a situation like in the OP, would depend on the level of anxiety and if the teen was avoiding a lot of things, or just this one thing.  If is is pervasive and causing him/her to miss out on life altogether then it is something to seek help for.  If it is just a class at the local public school that is a problem then, IMO, it is not worth the battle and possible escalation of anxiety.

On a side note, I am not sure sending her to a public school will help dispel the stereotypes.  When my DD took her one class at the local high school, she was thinking of maybe taking more classes, but after that experience she wanted nothing to do with it again.  Her college experience was a completely different thing, and she loved/loves the classes.

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Loowit said:

I see what you are saying, but I would guess the child with selective mutism was seeing a licensed therapist and the parents were following the advice of a trained therapist with years of experience.  Therapy can be very helpful for anxiety and other challenges.  However, it can be dangerous for an untrained parent on their own to decide to push their child, obviously depending on the resiliency of the child and the level of anxiety.  It may turn out well or it may turn into a disaster.

Yep, it was definitely with a trained therapist 🙂 . So you're right that it's a different situation. I was just musing -- honestly, I wouldn't have guessed that this is what therapy looks like, but now that I've seen it, I can see that it works better than avoidance. 

But I see your point about not just pushing yourself. 

 

Just now, Loowit said:

For a situation like in the OP, would depend on the level of anxiety and if the teen was avoiding a lot of things, or just this one thing.  If is is pervasive and causing him/her to miss out on life altogether then it is something to seek help for.  If it is just a class at the local public school that is a problem then, IMO, it is not worth the battle and possible escalation of anxiety.

That's true. 

 

Just now, Loowit said:

On a side note, I am not sure sending her to a public school will help dispel the stereotypes.  When my DD took her one class at the local high school, she was thinking of maybe taking more classes, but after that experience she wanted nothing to do with it again.  Her college experience was a completely different thing, and she loved/loves the classes.

Hah. I do see that! I didn't like high school AT ALL and loved college, so I sympathize. 

[kristin0713]

On 7/13/2021 at 12:34 PM, NewIma said:

Yes, I've been thinking about this. If she doesn't do a public school class than I will probably sign her up for another virtual class to work on those skills and accountability. We are also working on the anxiety part but that is an ongoing (possibly life long) project. I struggle because I worry that by not making her take the class I am not making her face/manage her anxiety and that could make it harder down the road.

It's important to work on the anxiety, but you don't want to wreck her academics in the process.  There are other ways to get there. Doing a live online class might be an appropriate push out of her comfort zone but not so overwhelming that she refuses to do it. 

[NewIma]

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and musings. I am going to have dh read the responses too so we can discuss. I am thinking this may not be worth the battle. The goal would be just go get her used to a classroom setting, but it seems like that may be less necessary than I've been viewing it. She is definitely asserting her independence and we have enough other issues to butt heads on. Lol I am going to look around a bit at online classes and explore that idea.

 

 

[Lecka]

Ironically — it can be really good for kids to let them say no to things.  That can be how they develop greater self-agency, and that can help with other things (hopefully more-important goals lol) that aren’t the ones they said no to.  
 

Ironically it’s good to get kids to do things they are avoidant about, but it can also backfire.

 

So as someone who did therapist-led parent-led exposure therapy — I was basically told the default ethical choice is not to do it, because it has harms.  The harms of doing it have to be greater than the harms of not doing it.  For my son with sunscreen, if he was not pale, very susceptible, also did not want to wear a hat, etc etc, they would not necessarily have done it if they had thought “he can wear a hat and it would not be so bad if he just avoided the sun a little bit, and with that it would be okay if he couldn’t wear sunscreen.”  
 

But anyway — exposure therapy had risks for us (that I was told about) in harming the parent-child relationship and harming the growth of autonomy and independence.  
 

They were not very worried about the parent-child relationship for us.  They were like — it’s something to be aware of, keep it in mind.  My impression is age makes a big difference here, and I think it is always a bigger concern with an older child or a teen.  
 

They were very worried about autonomy/independence for us.  I can’t remember what bad things they said could happen, but they were very bad.  They thought exposure therapy could be harmful enough (they thought it could be very, very harmful) to have big plans to counter-act that and would be watching it closely.

 

The biggest thing they recommended was letting him make his own age-appropriate choices.  This often meant letting him say no to things that really would have been good things to do, but things that appropriately would be a free choice.  
 

So to some extent — we were focusing on only the biggest things, where it would be very negative NOT to push on them.  
 

And then all the little things become “let him make his own decisions to develop his own autonomy, self agency, and decision-making.”

 

There is also a risk with exposure therapy that you move too fast, trigger a severe response, and then that can re-set everything back to an even lower starting point, because now there has been a severe response again.  
 

That can happen and basically there is a risk that the situation gets worse because of a bad situation getting triggered “but on purpose” because you were trying to do something “almost but not quite” to that point, and messed up.  Then you are worse off than when you started and will have to slow down even more and take even smaller steps, and the therapist will be thinking “is this still worth doing.”  
 

Anyway — exposure therapy can be really good, but it is a big deal.  
 

And it’s not the first recommended treatment for anxiety either, I think that is medication and cognitive-behavioral therapy.  
 

I think it’s usually more like — hey, person, maybe YOU could think about how to increase your exposure to these things.

Its usually not “here is something that another person is going to do to you, and you submit to it.” 
 

It is better for the person who is not the main person, to be the supportive person or the person who sets up the environment or who allows natural consequences to occur and all those kinds of things.  

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, Lecka said:

Anyway — exposure therapy can be really good, but it is a big deal.  

And it’s not the first recommended treatment for anxiety either, I think that is medication and cognitive-behavioral therapy.  

I think it’s usually more like — hey, person, maybe YOU could think about how to increase your exposure to these things.

Its usually not “here is something that another person is going to do to you, and you submit to it.” 

Yeah, I wasn't arguing that one should make the decision in this case -- just that perhaps anxiety isn't an immediate reason to give up on the class and that there could be conversations around it/thoughts on whether there were worthwhile goals to taking classes. I'd personally be kind of worried if my kid thought all public school social dynamics were bad -- not because there isn't plenty of nonsense in school, but because there's plenty of nonsense everywhere, and most people do go to school and being able to deal with them is a good thing. 

However, I wouldn't force a teenager, because I can't imagine forcing a teenager would meet any goals whatsoever. I was just saying that anxiety by itself isn't always a reason to be deterred -- it really depends on whether one expects it to persist, and how much it's getting in the way, and how important the goal is, etc. 

I know that personally, I'm a bit too tempted to let my kids avoid anything anxiety-producing, and that doesn't always serve them well. 

[Lecka]

I think a therapist probably rapidly sizes up a parent as either “do you go too far on the controlling side” or “do you go too far on letting them not do things.”

I was really at a place where I was saying — look, it has to happen, I cannot keep everyone inside, I want to be able to take my kids to the pool in the afternoon, it’s causing a lot of problems that we aren’t able to do that because one of my kids won’t wear sunscreen and he will burn.

I was like that about MANY things.

I definitely think if they see me with that attitude, they say different things to me than they would say to someone else.  
 

I have compared with other parents who saw the same person, and we have been told opposite things before.

 

[Not_a_Number]

4 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I think a therapist probably rapidly sizes up a parent as either “do you go too far on the controlling side” or “do you go too far on letting them not do things.”

I was really at a place where I was saying — look, it has to happen, I cannot keep everyone inside, I want to be able to take my kids to the pool in the afternoon, it’s causing a lot of problems that we aren’t able to do that because one of my kids won’t wear sunscreen and he will burn.

I was like that about MANY things.

I definitely think if they see me with that attitude, they say different things to me than they would say to someone else.  
 

I have compared with other parents who saw the same person, and we have been told opposite things before.

 

So were you on the controlling side, then? 

I have no idea which side I'm on, lol. It really depends on the thing. I think sometimes I'm one thing, sometimes I'm another. 

[Lecka]

Mostly too controlling, with some too-accommodating mixed in.  A mix, but mostly on the controlling side. 
 

With one kid I was much more accommodating and with one kid more controlling.

They had different personalities.  

 

[Lecka]

Okay, for where I was accommodating, once I had it pointed out to me and was seeing it — I don’t think it was very hard for me to make changes, as far as struggling to be on board.  I was on board, and it was hard, but I was on board.  
 

Where I was controlling (or on that side) it was brought up all the time.  
 

Edit:  I am not the parent who has a hard time being on board with putting kids through some distress.  

Edited July 15, 2021 by Lecka