What would you tell your first year homeschool mom self about joining a social support group?

[hs03842]

If you could go back in time and give yourself as a first year homeschool mom advice, what would you tell yourself about participating in homeschool support/social groups?

Edited December 9, 2020 by JoyKM

[8filltheheart]

The best support groups I have found have moms from all stages (meaning experienced and new homeschooling moms) and homeschooling with a wide variety philosophies/approaches.  Groups where all the moms are in the same place (all new or all experienced) or all using the same thing are more cliquey/group think than great support and friendships.

[kbutton]

37 minutes ago, /'/'/' said:

Same as 8 said.

I mostly just share my own experiences and tell them to take it with a grain of salt.  And, that, if nothing else, they can get the newsletters and decide where to go from there.

And definitely be aware of the cliques.  And the hs'ers who seem 'fearful' of other hs'ers who are different from them - educationally, spiritually, etc.  And don't feel badly if you feel uncomfortable with the group.  Trust your gut and move on if you need to. 

I agree.

The only support group I was part of ended up disbanding because people kind of drifted and there weren't people really wanting to be the planners anymore. There were times I felt like a part of it and times I felt like a thorn in everyone's side--we have two, 2e kids, so we were odd and our story always made people uncomfortable.

BUT, I met one of my favorite people in the world in that group, and much of that is due to staying in touch after the group disbanded because...I had spoken up about issues with my kids! 

The other wonderful thing the group did was a yearly Favorite Things night where we brought some our of favorite homeschooling curriculum/books/tools, told what we liked about them, and then passed them around. It was really helpful.

[Ellie]

3 hours ago, JoyKM said:

If you could go back in time and give yourself as a first year homeschool mom advice, what would you tell yourself about participating in homeschool support/social groups? Advice of any kind addressing any aspect is appreciated.

There are two homeschool support groups in my area (one closer, one about 30 min away, definitely give off different vibes online). I’m going to go ahead and pay the membership fees to join and have access to some meetups.  They both have co-ops available (drop off or parent volunteer), but I am not going to try that kind of thing at this stage.  These are strictly “support groups” which seem to be social in nature. 

A  support group is vital for homeschoolers. Co-ops are not; in the last 20 years people have come to think they are, but no, they are not. Most parents are perfectly capable of teaching their own children everything they need. But a support group...that's what  is important. Park days (not "meet-ups"), Moms' Night Out, some field trips, are all opportunities for parents as well as children to interact with others who are also homeschooling, for parents as well as children to find good friends (doesn't always happen, but it often does), get advice from other actual homeschoolers, vent about what a crummy week they had to others who won't say they should put their children back in school, and more.  A support group isn't a "social group;" that term implies something that is frivolous, with little value.

[hs03842]

On 6/9/2020 at 10:37 PM, Ellie said:

A support group isn't a "social group;" that term implies something that is frivolous, with little value.

 Thanks for listing out stuff to look for—it reminds me of the sorts of events we would put on for the preschool support groups I spent several years in. They are a lot of fun and can keep you busy. I’m curious about how that affects homeschooling—this is going to be a very new mixture of responsibilities and seeking social outlets. All I had to care about with preschoolers was bringing snacks and nap time. I know that both of these groups have official “park days,” but I’m also looking to see if the members seem to enjoy more casual, unscheduled hang outs like, “ We are headed to Chick fila at 2–come if you can!” or “We decided to spend this gorgeous afternoon at the splash pad—feel free to join!”  I am absolutely prepared to put these things out there myself—totally in my comfort zone.  I’m joining two groups at once to fish for kindred spirits. In my preschooler support groups the meetings and events were fun, but I felt like I had really made it when we could skip all of the formal stuff and just invite friends over to our house.  Homeschool groups are not preschool groups so I appreciate the feedback!  I just don’t know how it will be different or how they balance with teaching. 

Edited December 9, 2020 by JoyKM

[Ellie]

37 minutes ago, JoyKM said:

As an extrovert there is absolutely nothing frivolous or lacking in value to social time! 😆 I feel like it is its own form of support, but that’s just me. Thanks for listing out stuff to look for—it reminds me of the sorts of events we would put on for the preschool support groups I spent several years in. They are a lot of fun and can keep you busy. I’m curious about how that affects homeschooling—this is going to be a very new mixture of responsibilities and seeking social outlets. All I had to care about with preschoolers was bringing snacks and nap time. I know that both of these groups have official “park days,” but I’m also looking to see if the members seem to enjoy more casual, unscheduled hang outs like, “ We are headed to Chick fila at 2–come if you can!” or “We decided to spend this gorgeous afternoon at the splash pad—feel free to join!”  I am absolutely prepared to put these things out there myself—totally in my comfort zone.  I’m joining two groups at once to fish for kindred spirits. In my preschooler support groups the meetings and events were fun, but I felt like I had really made it when we could skip all of the formal stuff and just invite friends over to our house.  Homeschool groups are not preschool groups so I appreciate the feedback! 

The term "support group" doesn't have to be modified by adding "social." By definition, a support group provides social opportunities for parents as well as children. They are not frivolous and definitely don't lack value. It is why I promote support groups. 🙂

My support group was careful not to have too many scheduled activities, because we didn't want to take time away from the time that parents were spending with their own children. We planned our activities to be on the same days each week (park day on the first Friday, field trips on the second and fourth Fridays, MNO always on the first Monday evening) so that people wouldn't have to be rearranging their schedules every week. And because of our minimal activities, families who became friends had time to do things together outside of support group activities. 

[Shoeless]

5 hours ago, /'/'/' said:

Same as 8 said.

I mostly just share my own experiences and tell them to take it with a grain of salt.  And, that, if nothing else, they can get the newsletters and decide where to go from there.

And definitely be aware of the cliques.  And the hs'ers who seem 'fearful' of other hs'ers who are different from them - educationally, spiritually, etc.  And don't feel badly if you feel uncomfortable with the group.  Trust your gut and move on if you need to. 

 

I wish I had done this with some people I met early on. I wasted too much energy trying to crack the code to fit in. 

[Wheres Toto]

12 hours ago, JoyKM said:

If you could go back in time and give yourself as a first year homeschool mom advice, what would you tell yourself about participating in homeschool support/social groups? Advice of any kind addressing any aspect is appreciated.

There are two homeschool support groups in my area (one closer, one about 30 min away, definitely give off different vibes online). I’m going to go ahead and pay the membership fees to join and have access to some meetups.  They both have co-ops available (drop off or parent volunteer), but I am not going to try that kind of thing at this stage.  These are strictly “support groups” which seem to be social in nature. 

 

Our support group that had membership fees just to see their list of meet-ups ended up being a way for the person running the group to try and make a full time salary off the fees, but then let all her friends sign up for events first so most people never even got to do anything.   So, I guess I'd recommend avoiding those kind of groups, unless they have a weekly meeting open to everyone or something similar. 

Around here we don't have too many formal support groups.  We have a lot of local Facebook groups where people post a variety of classes, park days, MNO, and various other activities but nothing that's a formal group with someone(s) in charge setting up activities.  It's more of a community effort I guess.   My most local group does a weekly park-day recess when things are normal.    We definitely get a wide variety of homeschoolers - new and experienced, academic and unschooling, religious and secular - but once someone is past the "what do I do!" stage, there don't see to be many discussions about homeschooling.  It's just more general parent chit-chat.  

Most of our co-ops seem to be separate from support groups, most are religious or subject specific (like performing arts).   People seem to prefer individual classes. 

ETA:  I get most of my homeschooling support online.

Edited June 10, 2020 by Where's Toto?

[Andromeda]

I would tell my newbie homeschooler self not to join.

I did join a local group my first year of homeschooling and attended a couple of meetings. I did not enjoy them because I quickly discovered that there was an unspoken hierarchy with number of years homeschooling being the top qualification to speak. Newbies such as myself were deemed to have pretty much nothing to contribute and were expected to smile, nod, and absorb the wisdom. I did not go back.

This board has been a far better place for me. I've been a lurker for years and have learned nearly everything I know about homeschooling here. There are many points of view and we are all very opinionated, but as a whole, this board has been a place where ideas are welcome and one's "status" or years homeschooling or whatever is not a barrier to discussion.

[Ellie]

1 hour ago, RosemaryAndThyme said:

I would tell my newbie homeschooler self not to join.

I did join a local group my first year of homeschooling and attended a couple of meetings. I did not enjoy them because I quickly discovered that there was an unspoken hierarchy with number of years homeschooling being the top qualification to speak. Newbies such as myself were deemed to have pretty much nothing to contribute and were expected to smile, nod, and absorb the wisdom. I did not go back.

This board has been a far better place for me. I've been a lurker for years and have learned nearly everything I know about homeschooling here. There are many points of view and we are all very opinionated, but as a whole, this board has been a place where ideas are welcome and one's "status" or years homeschooling or whatever is not a barrier to discussion.

I hate support groups like that. 😞

[Clemsondana]

It would be hard to give advice because what is available and what a family needs can vary so much.  There is a very large support group in our small city, and several smaller ones are scattered around town.  I never participated because the scheduling wasn't ideal and I didn't feel like it would be the best use of my time.  Technically I'm a member of the big one because my kids participate in the Science Olympiad team sponsored by the group, but I've never been to a meeting.  But, the other moms are our large co-op have been a fantastic support over the years.  Older moms have given advice and been a listening ear, same-age-kids moms have been in the same situation at the same time, and I've been able to encourage younger kids' moms.  And, because I also teach a high school class, I've been able to advise moms of older on some college/career things that I learned during my years in academia.  

That being said, a co-op isn't essential - ours has been a blessing to us, but you can certainly be successful without one.  And, what you might want as far as adult and family interaction in a support group would vary depending on kid age.  Our family has loved the Science Olympiad team that the group sponsors and we have many friends there - most also attend our co-op.  But, my family has never done any of the field trips with the group and for all I know the field trip group is a completely different set of people than our science team. And, how much social you want probably depends on what the rest of your life looks like.  In the early years, we had just moved and my kids were a bit lonely.  At this point, we have activities and people we see multiple times a week...some through homeschool things, and some through other activities.  More unschooly people might want more groups with trips and activities and park days, while families with a different philosophy might find morning meetups to be disruptive.  I guess all of that rambling is to say that I wouldn't advise my younger self to do anything different because I did what fit our family at the time, but I might advise another person differently because they may have a different situation.  I hope you meet some great people!  

[Garga]

15 hours ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

The best support groups I have found have moms from all stages (meaning experienced and new homeschooling moms) and homeschooling with a wide variety philosophies/approaches.  Groups where all the moms are in the same place (all new or all experienced) or all using the same thing are more cliquey/group think than great support and friendships.

 

 

15 hours ago, /'/'/' said:

Same as 8 said.

I mostly just share my own experiences and tell them to take it with a grain of salt.  And, that, if nothing else, they can get the newsletters and decide where to go from there.

And definitely be aware of the cliques.  And the hs'ers who seem 'fearful' of other hs'ers who are different from them - educationally, spiritually, etc.  And don't feel badly if you feel uncomfortable with the group.  Trust your gut and move on if you need to. 

 

I’ve only joined one group.  I liked it, but like the quotes above, I didn’t always see eye to eye with a number of the moms in the group.  I did find a few moms that I do see eye to eye with, but not everyone.  I suppose if I found a group where everyone schooled just like me, then that would be great, but I didn’t find that.  The nice thing about our group, with different styles of homeschoolers, is that there was a friend for everyone in the group.  It would be awful to belong to a group where you’re the outlier and no one’s philosophies matches yours. 

In the end for me, it was all a bit of a dance. How much can I talk about what I do before I irritate someone?  How much do I want to hear someone else talk about what they do that I disagree with before I feel like I have to argue with them (or, hopefully have the maturity to simply change the subject?)  I’ve learned over the years to hold my cards a bit closer to my chest in regards to how I homeschool.  And I’ve found it hard not to judge people that I thought were doing a crap job at homeschooling.  

Like others have said, I found this site to be an overwhelming support to me on my homeschool journey.  The real life group was more for fun than real, honest, hardcore support.  

Edited June 10, 2020 by Garga

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would tell myself that it was absolutely the right call to put my kid's academic needs first (especially after third grade).  The people I know who ditched academics at every opportunity were then wondering why their kids weren't progressing and would then put them in public school.  Not saying that the fun stuff isn't fun or needed but not at the expense of our academic schedule. 

[8filltheheart]

19 minutes ago, Garga said:

Like others have said, I found this site to be an overwhelming support to me on my homeschool journey.  The real life group was more for fun than real, honest, hardcore support.  

I have used support groups more for fun and friendships than homeschooling support.  Discussing homeschooling conversationally just never goes well IRL.  I don't really like to talk about homeschooing in person and really don't connect with people that way.  I prefer to not know what they are doing and not really talk about what we are doing then we just be friends without really digging into details.  The only person I care about how they homeschool is my ds's family.

[Calm37]

4 hours ago, RosemaryAndThyme said:

I did join a local group my first year of homeschooling and attended a couple of meetings. I did not enjoy them because I quickly discovered that there was an unspoken hierarchy with number of years homeschooling being the top qualification to speak. Newbies such as myself were deemed to have pretty much nothing to contribute and were expected to smile, nod, and absorb the wisdom. I did not go back.

 

This made me smile because my experience was so different. My homeschooling group was very suspicious of experience and the older homeschoolers. The clique for the young, new homeschoolers was impenetrable. It got worse when a building change required the younger kids to be very separate from middle school on up. I have to smile now, but it stung at the time. No, I did not use ABeka......

[hs03842]

On 6/10/2020 at 11:42 AM, Jean in Newcastle said:

I would tell myself that it was absolutely the right call to put my kid's academic needs first (especially after third grade).  The people I know who ditched academics at every opportunity were then wondering why their kids weren't progressing and would then put them in public school.  Not saying that the fun stuff isn't fun or needed but not at the expense of our academic schedule. 

Thanks—this has been a large part of my thought process. 

Edited December 9, 2020 by JoyKM

[medawyn]

I have found the most consistent groups to be ones that have a narrow focus on an interest.  Close to me we have a "park day" group, where they literally have just park meet ups.  There's one every day of the week, but widely scattered across the geographic area.  There might be families that go to more than one, but most of us just attend one.  It's the same time and place every week, so we see a lot of the same faces.  The other group that works well for us is a homeschool hiking group.  True to the name, that's the only activity that's advertised.  They shoot for four hikes a month; two are aimed at a younger set, two for older hikers.  

We also have a local homeschool field group trip, and the moms who run it do a fabulous job putting together field trip opportunities to take advantage of group pricing, etc.  We're not as active in that group, but my kids are young, and I have to balance a toddler with my school age kids, and not all trips work with littles.  It's an awesome group, though, and helps take advantage of opportunities in our area.  Because it's a homeschool group, they are very upfront about what trips might be family friendly and what trips are suited for older students, etc.  All of these events require future planning, so it's easy to plan our schedule around them if something comes up on a day that's not my usual "field trip day".

[2_girls_mommy]

On 6/9/2020 at 7:54 PM, 8FillTheHeart said:

The best support groups I have found have moms from all stages (meaning experienced and new homeschooling moms) and homeschooling with a wide variety philosophies/approaches.  Groups where all the moms are in the same place (all new or all experienced) or all using the same thing are more cliquey/group think than great support and friendships.

Yes, yes, yes. So true. 

[Shoeless]

On 6/10/2020 at 7:15 PM, medawyn said:

I have found the most consistent groups to be ones that have a narrow focus on an interest.  Close to me we have a "park day" group, where they literally have just park meet ups.  There's one every day of the week, but widely scattered across the geographic area.  There might be families that go to more than one, but most of us just attend one.  It's the same time and place every week, so we see a lot of the same faces.  The other group that works well for us is a homeschool hiking group.  True to the name, that's the only activity that's advertised.  They shoot for four hikes a month; two are aimed at a younger set, two for older hikers.  

We also have a local homeschool field group trip, and the moms who run it do a fabulous job putting together field trip opportunities to take advantage of group pricing, etc.  We're not as active in that group, but my kids are young, and I have to balance a toddler with my school age kids, and not all trips work with littles.  It's an awesome group, though, and helps take advantage of opportunities in our area.  Because it's a homeschool group, they are very upfront about what trips might be family friendly and what trips are suited for older students, etc.  All of these events require future planning, so it's easy to plan our schedule around them if something comes up on a day that's not my usual "field trip day".

 

Yes, yes, yes. I briefly ran a homeschool group with a couple of other moms, and the biggest issue I had was that I could not get anyone to agree to what our focus would be. I kept trying to narrow the focus and stop being all-things-to-all-people, and eventually threw in the towel and quit. No matter what was offered, there was always someone loudly complaining it wasn't what they wanted.

[8filltheheart]

3 hours ago, MissLemon said:

 

Yes, yes, yes. I briefly ran a homeschool group with a couple of other moms, and the biggest issue I had was that I could not get anyone to agree to what our focus would be. I kept trying to narrow the focus and stop being all-things-to-all-people, and eventually threw in the towel and quit. No matter what was offered, there was always someone loudly complaining it wasn't what they wanted.

When I think support group, I think for moms. Things like mom's night out and monthly meetings type stuff. Then, people within the group might arrange field trips or park days, etc, but those are bc the groups has unified around supporting mom, not supporting mom by unifying around any other outside objective. 

But those sorts of groups are harder to find these days.

[Shoeless]

3 hours ago, 8FillTheHeart said:

When I think support group, I think for moms. Things like mom's night out and monthly meetings type stuff. Then, people within the group might arrange field trips or park days, etc, but those are bc the groups has unified around supporting mom, not supporting mom by unifying around any other outside objective. 

But those sorts of groups are harder to find these days.

 

That's what I was trying to do, build a community for mom, where there would be friendship and advice, plus some events for the kids.  I posted info about local events of interest for homeschoolers, hosted park days and parties, arranged field trips. I won't moan and groan about the individual issues with that group, but the general problem was despite offering what people said they wanted, attendance was often poor and people constantly complained.  

I asked another, more experienced mom for advice; she had homeschooled in several different states, had graduated her kids, and had a homeschool-related business. She said it was a problem with this area, that she had experienced the same thing: the moms sounded desperate for friendship and community, but they would not come to events, no matter the day, the type of event, the cost, etc. In all the places she'd lived, this was the only state where she struggled to build a social network for herself and her kids. 

So I just gave up on it. New leadership took over the group, and they had the same issues I had. I guess it is just a tough community to break into. 

[J-rap]

I would tell them to just do what feels right for their family.  I wouldn't weigh in too much one way or another besides that, because different personalities and families have different needs.  

That said...  We had a lovely and very casual homeschool group that met sort of regularly for gym times and picnic times and snow-sledding days, and now and then we'd schedule a random field trip or art class or writing class.   Co-ops weren't a thing and besides this was a small town in the middle of nowhere.  I know my kids were glad to know they weren't the only homeschoolers in the world, and I enjoyed talking with the other moms.  We were from quite a range of backgrounds and opinions!  But it that never seemed to be an issue.

The one time we had an opportunity to be in a co-op was when we were temporarily living somewhere else for a semester.  It was extremely cliquish, and the only friends my kids made were with the other students who were also new that year.  It actually ended up being okay because they hit it off with their new friends, but I did think it was really strange that the teachers/other moms didn't seem to make an effort to integrate the old-timers with the handful of new-comers.  It was actually really, really weird.  Especially because it had a strong Christian emphasis.

[Elizabeth86]

My advice to myself would be to take the advice I was given.  Here and irl, I just rolled my eyes at the ladies suggesting a gentle approach to the early years.  I took it as them being lazy or not caring. I get it now. 

[hs03842]

Thanks for everyone’s feedback!  

Edited December 9, 2020 by JoyKM