Dd21 is having a bad time and I had to call the police

[Night Elf]

She's had an extremely crappy two days. She's transitioning roommates. Some are moving out. Some are moving in. All utilities were under one girl's name and she turned everything off for yesterday because she's moving out today. So the water got turned off. One of the returning roommates is putting all utilities in her name but she's at her parent's house about to leave for vacation. So yesterday, dd21 had no water. This morning, her roommate called the Water Company and they didn't yet have her paperwork to start service so my dd had to go down to their office and request service under her own name. Thank goodness they had same day service for an additional $15 fee. So water is taken care of.

Dd has been so upset that she was extremely agitated having to go into work today but she did and made it through. She went home and the water was on. Some happy news.

About an hour later, she went out on the balcony to chill out and try to relax. Her phone was almost dead so she was going to charge it but found out she was locked out of the apartment. I have NO clue how she locked herself out of the balcony door. She texted me all upset. She texted and phoned her roommate moving out today to please come back soon and let her in. At the time I talked to her she had still not spoken to that roommate.

This is my dd who has been in the hospital before for suicide watch. I was freaking out that too much was happening to her so I called the police to go check on her using their non-emergency number. Apparently her front door was unlocked so they were able to walk in and unlock her balcony door and let her back into the apartment. They made sure she was okay before they left. She texted me to say she was in. She was miffed and embarrassed that the police had to rescue her but at that time the roommate had still not returned and her phone was dead. There is no telling how long she would have been out there before said roommate showed up to get more of her stuff.

So the internet was shut off. Her phone isn't loading any data. She can't call for food or a Lyft to go get food. So she called me and I ordered her a pizza and fries to be delivered to her apartment. I'm hoping that a good meal will calm her down. She can play games on her phone but nothing is loading so she can't watch videos. She's going to be so bored until bedtime. She'll likely take her sleep medicine to go to sleep early. 

Tomorrow is another day. She's hoping that when said roommate calls the internet company to confirm she's moved the box to another address that they will come out immediately and set up a new system. However, the roommate who opened the account will not be there so I doubt they'll be able to hook up the internet without the account holder there. What do you think?

I told her if she even thought about suicide to call me at any time of the day or night. She promised to do so.

My anxiety was super high because of the water problem and I had to go into work for a 6-hour shift. I was finally calm when we were closing and got the text from dd that she was locked out. So my anxiety kicked back into high gear. I've barely eaten today because my stomach is in knots. I did manage to eat some mashed potatoes at dinner but couldn't stomach much more. 

Please God, I pray that tomorrow go better than today.

[Teaching3bears]

(((Hugs))) Things will get better after this transition time. it is great that she has you as a mom! How far away are you from her apartment?

[fairfarmhand]

IT will be okay. And really for my dd with anxiety, it's kinda been good practice to have days when everything goes wrong. She's got more practice saying "The other stuff worked out ok, this will be okay too. Inconvenient but I'll manage." So look at this as a potential growth moment. 

Good for you helping her out. 

[kristin0713]

I'm so sorry!  As the PP said, how far are you from her?  Can she crash at your house for a night while this get sorted out? 

[MercyA]

Hugs, Beth. You're a good mama.

[mathnerd]

Can she stay with you for a few days until all the utilities are sorted out? That could make both you and her feel a lot at ease.

[kiwik]

The poor thing.  I understand power and internet being disconnected but is it actually legal to cut off someone's water?  Seems like a fire and hygiene issue. OK obviously it is and it gets done where you are but a operational toilet seems like something the landlord has to supply and the fire issue.

[hippiemamato3]

I'm so sorry Mama. Once you've had a child who has had suicidal ideation or attempts, you are never the same. You will always worry...your thoughts will always go there when things go wrong. I know the fear and it's paralyzing.  I'm glad you were able to get her some help and some food - today is another day to get things sorted out. Try to breathe and take care of you too. *hugs*

 

[Selkie]

Hugs, Beth! I hope today is a calmer one for both of you.

[scholastica]

4 hours ago, kiwik said:

The poor thing.  I understand power and internet being disconnected but is it actually legal to cut off someone's water?  Seems like a fire and hygiene issue. OK obviously it is and it gets done where you are but a operational toilet seems like something the landlord has to supply and the fire issue.

Sometimes utilities are included in rent, and sometimes the tenant has to contract directly with the utility company. With roommates, you run into these issues. The new person and the old person should have coordinated a date so there was continuity.

[Night Elf]

14 hours ago, Teaching3bears said:

(((Hugs))) Things will get better after this transition time. it is great that she has you as a mom! How far away are you from her apartment?

a 90 minute drive. We figured she'd be off the balcony by the time we got there. I was mostly concerned if she needed medical attention after all the mishaps she had suffered over the last 24 hours. The police made sure she was okay and not a danger to herself. 

[Night Elf]

14 hours ago, happysmileylady said:

Having said that.....I am going to suggest that next time, you help her figure out how to solve the problem herself.  She could have called the apartment maintenance number ad they would have come and let her in.  

I only talked to her less than a minute. She hurried me off the phone because it was about to die. All I knew was her roommate wasn't answering texts or calls. So I did text dd immediately and suggest she call management but that text didn't go through. I tried calling back and she didn't answer. I drove home from work, told DH what was going on and tried calling her again. This time it went straight to voicemail so I knew her phone was dead. I didn't know what was happening or if she'd be out there for hours. 

[Night Elf]

We did offer to bring her here until Sunday when we are scheduled to go to her apartment and move her things from her main floor bedroom to the downstairs bedroom. She started a new job a couple of weeks ago and their absence policy is ridiculous. It's like they don't allow sick days. She had to call out Monday and they told her they'd let it pass this time but normally she has to give them at least a week's notice. Um... is she supposed to tell them she may be out next Thursday because she'll be sick? Weird!

She said if she had known how poorly this transition would go, she wouldn't have taken the job just yet and stayed with us until everything was settled. Unfortunately she's unable to get out of the middle of it at this point.

[Night Elf]

8 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Gotcha.  I misunderstood how long she had left on her phone since she texted you when she got back in the apartment.

 

In any event, I hope today has gone better for all.  

She texted as soon as her phone was charged enough to work. I didn't ask how long that was. The police never called me back so I was just waiting for someone to contact me with some news. I waited probably 20-30 minutes from the time I spoke to the police before getting the text.

Edited July 24, 2019 by Night Elf
adding additional information

[freesia]

Now that the crises is over, I have another suggestion.

I, too, have a child whose anxiety triggers my anxiety.  It is really hard to be the "non-anxious presence" that dc needs when I am spiralling.  I have been working really hard on maintaining emotional distance from dc's downs.  I try to remind myself that it is a solvable problem, that dc will be stronger having gone through it and come out the other end. I remind myself of all the things they've handled.   I really try to draw back and shrink the issue way down.  That helps me project that for the dc (and I do know you weren't actually interacting with her bc of the phone--just in general it might be better for you to work on mind games for yourself.)

With regards to the suicide part, I do know this adds another layer.  Try to remember at the time how far she has come.  Think through the situations she has handled well.  Remind yourself that the things that happened this weekend are uncomfortable, but not devastating on an emotional level.  Both of you were catastrophizing.  The more you can see her as capable of handling this type of thing, the better and the more likely you will be to see situations that truly are difficult.

You might want to tell her how well she did--remembering to call for help when she was on the balcony, calling you to share her problems, etc.  Focus on the things she handled and got through and how now it's over and it wasn't really that long in the end and she survived and then move on and discuss her job or something else.  Try not to get caught in ruminating how awful it was.

[Night Elf]

2 hours ago, freesia said:

Now that the crises is over, I have another suggestion.

I, too, have a child whose anxiety triggers my anxiety.  It is really hard to be the "non-anxious presence" that dc needs when I am spiralling.  I have been working really hard on maintaining emotional distance from dc's downs.  I try to remind myself that it is a solvable problem, that dc will be stronger having gone through it and come out the other end. I remind myself of all the things they've handled.   I really try to draw back and shrink the issue way down.  That helps me project that for the dc (and I do know you weren't actually interacting with her bc of the phone--just in general it might be better for you to work on mind games for yourself.)

With regards to the suicide part, I do know this adds another layer.  Try to remember at the time how far she has come.  Think through the situations she has handled well.  Remind yourself that the things that happened this weekend are uncomfortable, but not devastating on an emotional level.  Both of you were catastrophizing.  The more you can see her as capable of handling this type of thing, the better and the more likely you will be to see situations that truly are difficult.

You might want to tell her how well she did--remembering to call for help when she was on the balcony, calling you to share her problems, etc.  Focus on the things she handled and got through and how now it's over and it wasn't really that long in the end and she survived and then move on and discuss her job or something else.  Try not to get caught in ruminating how awful it was.

Thank you. You've repeated a lot of what my DH talked to me about last night. It's so hard to pull away from her emotionally and not take everything that happens to her so personally. I already did tell her I thought she handled all things well. She went to work today and was told she didn't have much work so she wouldn't be needed her whole 4-hour shift. She was able to leave after 2 hours which really lifted her spirits. She also got WiFi back today so that also made her feel good. Now if nothing else bad happens for a while she'll be okay. We're going to her on Sunday to help her move so she's looking forward to that. Whew!

[scholastica]

9 minutes ago, Night Elf said:

Thank you. You've repeated a lot of what my DH talked to me about last night. It's so hard to pull away from her emotionally and not take everything that happens to her so personally. I already did tell her I thought she handled all things well. She went to work today and was told she didn't have much work so she wouldn't be needed her whole 4-hour shift. She was able to leave after 2 hours which really lifted her spirits. She also got WiFi back today so that also made her feel good. Now if nothing else bad happens for a while she'll be okay. We're going to her on Sunday to help her move so she's looking forward to that. Whew!

Is there any way your dh could be her emergency support? It could remove you and your anxiety from the situation. You would not necessarily even have to know until it was all over and handled then.

[Night Elf]

27 minutes ago, scholastica said:

Is there any way your dh could be her emergency support? It could remove you and your anxiety from the situation. You would not necessarily even have to know until it was all over and handled then.

I'd hate to tell her I get emotionally wrapped up in her. Since we only talk by text or call, she doesn't see me freaking out. She does go to him about some things but it's me she comes to when she's over emotional.

[freesia]

3 hours ago, Night Elf said:

Thank you. You've repeated a lot of what my DH talked to me about last night. It's so hard to pull away from her emotionally and not take everything that happens to her so personally. I already did tell her I thought she handled all things well. She went to work today and was told she didn't have much work so she wouldn't be needed her whole 4-hour shift. She was able to leave after 2 hours which really lifted her spirits. She also got WiFi back today so that also made her feel good. Now if nothing else bad happens for a while she'll be okay. We're going to her on Sunday to help her move so she's looking forward to that. Whew!

Actually, she will most likely be ok even if more things do happen. Try to change the narrative. The things that happened were annoying but not bad.

[freesia]

2 hours ago, Night Elf said:

I'd hate to tell her I get emotionally wrapped up in her. Since we only talk by text or call, she doesn't see me freaking out. She does go to him about some things but it's me she comes to when she's over emotional.

Does she have a counselor?  It would be good for her to learn some CBT or DBT skills to help when she is over emotional.

I’ve been working through the book Freeing your Child From Negative Thinking and it’s been so helpful for learning how to handle situations with the kids.

[SanDiegoMom]

7 minutes ago, freesia said:

Does she have a counselor?  It would be good for her to learn some CBT or DBT skills to help when she is over emotional.

I’ve been working through the book Freeing your Child From Negative Thinking and it’s been so helpful for learning how to handle situations with the kids.

I just put this book on hold. Thanks for the recommendation!

And I agree upthread about the anxiety triggering anxiety issues.  My parents were BOTH have diagnosed anxiety and some of the well-meaning things they do just worsened MY anxiety.  My dad constantly offered to save me from situations that I should have been able to work through myself.  Changing the narrative made me realize that so many of these situations were not really as bad as they often appeared. 

For instance, a situation that was similar, though not quite as extreme, occurred between my husband and oldest daughter. Both who have no issues with things going drastically sideways --

They drove up and moved into our empty house when my dd was 14.  My husband left her alone in the house and went off to the store, saying he'd be back in an hour. She went out to the porch and the door locked behind her. She didn't have her phone.  He said one hour and was gone FIVE.  She had a book, which she ended up finishing, but she was royally pissed. He laughed when he got home and then apologized.  They just shrugged it off.

It's taken a lot of work to change the narrative for things that happen to myself, but it has definitely helped having a spouse who pretty much always assumes there is a way out of every situation.  It's made us all resilient. 

[freesia]

8 minutes ago, SanDiegoMom in VA said:

I just put this book on hold. Thanks for the recommendation!

And I agree upthread about the anxiety triggering anxiety issues.  My parents were BOTH have diagnosed anxiety and some of the well-meaning things they do just worsened MY anxiety.  My dad constantly offered to save me from situations that I should have been able to work through myself.  Changing the narrative made me realize that so many of these situations were not really as bad as they often appeared. 

For instance, a situation that was similar, though not quite as extreme, occurred between my husband and oldest daughter. Both who have no issues with things going drastically sideways --

They drove up and moved into our empty house when my dd was 14.  My husband left her alone in the house and went off to the store, saying he'd be back in an hour. She went out to the porch and the door locked behind her. She didn't have her phone.  He said one hour and was gone FIVE.  She had a book, which she ended up finishing, but she was royally pissed. He laughed when he got home and then apologized.  They just shrugged it off.

It's taken a lot of work to change the narrative for things that happen to myself, but it has definitely helped having a spouse who pretty much always assumes there is a way out of every situation.  It's made us all resilient. 

Your dh sounds great. One line I got from the book I referenced above is “you can’t change what happens to you, but you can change the story you tell yourself about it.”

[Harriet Vane]

Glad everything turned out okay.

[SanDiegoMom]

13 hours ago, freesia said:

Your dh sounds great. One line I got from the book I referenced above is “you can’t change what happens to you, but you can change the story you tell yourself about it.”

Exactly!

[J-rap]

Oh man, when it rains, it pours!  She made it through a lot of stuff.  That's an accomplishment.  And, you kept your head and did all the right things.  Hopefully things will feel a LOT easier now.  Any change requires a transition time.  I think it's great that she's pushing herself to do that even though I'm sure she knew it would be somewhat anxiety-provoking.  I think anytime you push past challenges like this, it makes you more confident when unexpected things happen again.