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Scarlett

Not wanting to risk it

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I witnessed the weirdest thing today,,,in a grocery store....,an employee and customer who obviously knew each other,,,,

Employee said ‘ you getting married?’ Customer said , ‘no she is a keeper, a great gal, but I just can’t risk that again.’

I glanced up and employ said, ‘you heard that?’  I admitted yes I heard the version that sounded like, ‘she is great but I am not marrying her’. 

He attempted an explanation......is there a reason to never remarry!? 

Edited by Scarlett

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6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I witnessed the weirdest thing today,,,in a grocery store....,an employee and customer who obviously knew each other,,,,

Employee said ‘ you getting married?’ Customer said , ‘no she is a keeper, a great gal, but I just can’t risk that again.’

I glanced up and employ said, ‘you heard that?’  I admitted yes I heard the version that sounded like, ‘she is great but I am not marrying her’. 

He attempted an explanation......but basically is there a good enough one? 

Yeah, I can see having a good enough one, especially if you don't believe in The One (I don't).

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Not quite sure what you area asking?

 

 

My cousin is 2 yrs younger than me so almost 40.  She will be getting married for the first time this coming September.  She has been with her fiance for over half of my own marriage (dh and I will be celebrating 17 yrs in March.)  Her fiance got burned hard in his first marriage.  He had 2 kids with his first wife, she cheated on him, she treated the kids badly, lots of stuff.  He was ultra reluctant to commit to much of anything.  And yet, last year, his youngest turned 18 and graduated high school......and now my cousin is engaged.  

I suspect, there's a WHOLE lot of custody and hurt feelings crap that I just don't know and won't understand about my cousin's relationship with her fiance.  And, she will most likely NEVER have bio kids of her own, though she has lived with her fiance for most of his kids teen years and basically acted in a step parent role much of that time.  

I was a single parent when I met DH, and he eventually adopted DD23.   My sister married a single parent and spent years helping him fight his ex on multiple custody problems plunging them into tens of thousands of dollars of debt in lawyer fees.  My cousin played step parent to her fiance's kids for years all while he was telling her he was never getting married again....and within months of the youngest turning 18, they were engaged.  

You said you heard the phrase "I just can't risk that again"    I can think of a whole lot of reasons that a person might use that phrase and every single one of them sounds like a really good reason to be afraid of getting married a second time.  

NOW....if you are talking about the professionalism of such a converstation taking place out where customers can hear....yeah, that probably shouldn't have happened.  

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Ok my thinking is...I can see deciding to not try again.  No more romance....I live single th rest of my days,  what I don’t understand is thinking.,,,well,....I like this person a lot....I want to keep this relationship but I will never marry again.  

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I know plenty of people who go on to have other relationships, long term ones, but refuse to ever legally marry and entangle assets and families again.  It’s not actually uncommon?

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3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Ok my thinking is...I can see deciding to not try again.  No more romance....I live single th rest of my days,  what I don’t understand is thinking.,,,well,....I like this person a lot....I want to keep this relationship but I will never marry again.  

I guess it wouldn't be an issue though if the chick is obviously fine with it in this case? I mean if she's waiting for a proposal, there's an issue, but if they're on the same page, well, that's just that. We've known people who don't remarry so one doesn't lose a pension, or alimony or all sorts of things. People have all sorts of reasons for not tying a legal, governmental knot. 

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6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Ok my thinking is...I can see deciding to not try again.  No more romance....I live single th rest of my days,  what I don’t understand is thinking.,,,well,....I like this person a lot....I want to keep this relationship but I will never marry again.  

Marriage, as a concept/thing, is completely different than having a relationship.  My reasons for getting married were different from the reasons for my DH being the person I chose to marry.  

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What was interesting to me is that the employee told me this man was a fine strong Christian man who had been burned twice and just couldn’t risk marriage again. 

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4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

What was interesting to me is that the employee told me this man was a fine strong Christian man who had been burned twice and just couldn’t risk marriage again. 

Why do these comments bother you so much?

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13 minutes ago, SereneHome said:

I would never marry again.  Kids is the big reason.  But so are the finances.

Would you have a relationship though?

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1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

Why do these comments bother you so much?

It has me thinking......I would not say I am bothered.  I am trying to figure how people decide a relationship is ok bit marriage is not.  

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I have a friend who has been married twice.  He is an amazing man and by all accounts a terrific husband and father but he's married two awful women.  After the second divorce he swore he's done with marriage.  He's been dating his current girlfriend for at least 4 years and still maintains he will never marry again, even though he loves her very much and is a great father figure to her 2 children. Many of his friend want him to change him mind.  Time will tell

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1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

It has me thinking......I would not say I am bothered.  I am trying to figure how people decide a relationship is ok bit marriage is not.  

I think it's because marriage has a lot more entanglements than just a simple relationship. Financial and kids as mentioned above being the two key ones I can think of. I mean, that's why people used to have a side piece. They never married for love. They married for business purposes/mergers as a practicality. Love and feelings were for side pieces. And poets. 

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1 minute ago, hjffkj said:

I have a friend who has been married twice.  He is an amazing man and by all accounts a terrific husband and father but he's married two awful women.  After the second divorce he swore he's done with marriage.  He's been dating his current girlfriend for at least 4 years and still maintains he will never marry again, even though he loves her very much and is a great father figure to her 2 children. Many of his friend want him to change him mind.  Time will tell

This is exactly the situation that perplexes me.  It is as if he thinks the institution of marriage is the problem instead of the two awful first wives.  

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3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

It has me thinking......I would not say I am bothered.  I am trying to figure how people decide a relationship is ok bit marriage is not.  

I think it again boils down to the difference between a *relationship* and a *marriage*.  They really are two separate things.  I could have dated and had fun with, and even moved DH in with me, for years.  But the verbal, in front of everyone, *PROMISE*, and *COMMITMENT* is a whole other separate thing.  

 

And that's before all those legal aspects.  

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2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

This is exactly the situation that perplexes me.  It is as if he thinks the institution of marriage is the problem instead of the two awful first wives.  

It's not that the institution of marriage is "the" problem.  It is that the institution is a fully separate thing from the people in it.  

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2 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

It's not that the institution of marriage is "the" problem.  It is that the institution is a fully separate thing from the people in it.  

Right....so one becomes opposed to the institution based upon bad experience with people.  

Edited by Scarlett

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5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Right....so one b cones opposed to the institution based upon bad experience with people.  

Sure, why not?

 

 

Lets say a person has a kid.  They raise that kid as an only for a number of years.  Lets say around the kid's 8th birthday, the kid is diagnosed with a terminal illness.  Eventually, the illness wins.  Person, who had been considering a second child, has now sworn off ever having any more kids, because they cannot endure that pain again.  They swear off the entire concept of parenthood because of the pain that their experience with ONE child has had on their life.  

 

I have known such a thing to happen, and honestly, I don't find it much different.  

Edited by happysmileylady

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My sil has been with the same man for 20 years. They have two kids together and she moved across an ocean to be with him. They are not married. His dad abandoned him and his mother when he was young, cut off contact, and went on to have a second family. I don't think he has had any contact with his dad for at least 30 years. This heartbreak led him to decide marriage is meaningless and he says he will never marry. I think my sil finds this painful but she loves him and they continue their life together. 

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4 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Sure, why not?

 

 

Lets say a person has a kid.  They raise that kid as an only for a number of years.  Lets say around the kid's 8th birthday, the kid is diagnosed with a terminal illness.  Eventually, the illness wins.  Person, who had been considering a second child, has now sworn off ever having any more kids, because they cannot endure that pain again.  They swear off the entire concept of parenthood because of the pain that their experience with ONE child has had on their life.  

 

I have known such a thing to happen, and honestly, I don't find it much different.  

Not the same.  This isn’t a person swearing off a relationship.  That I understand.  This is a person saying, well I love her, she is great, but I I won’t marry again.  

 

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15 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Would you have a relationship though?

I don't know.....lol.  The idea of getting to know someone new just exhausts me. 

I dated enough in my 20s.  I spent my 30s and now half of my 40s being a wife and a mom.  I seriously can not even imagine to starting "from scratch". 

But even if I did - finances would be a HUGE reason I would not want to get married again.

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Just now, NewIma said:

My sil has been with the same man for 20 years. They have two kids together and she moved across an ocean to be with him. They are not married. His dad abandoned him and his mother when he was young, cut off contact, and went on to have a second family. I don't think he has had any contact with his dad for at least 30 years. This heartbreak led him to decide marriage is meaningless and he says he will never marry. I think my sil finds this painful but she loves him and they continue their life together. 

Yes, this is the type of situation I am talking about.  What is being proved by refusing  to marry the mother of your children that you obviously love. 

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2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Not the same.  This isn’t a person swearing off a relationship.  That I understand.  This is a person saying, well I love her, she is great, but I I won’t marry again.  

 

You are right, it isn't a person swearing off a *relationship*  it's a person swearing off MARRIAGE.  Marriage is different than a relationship, just like being a parent is different than having a relationship with kids. 

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1 minute ago, SereneHome said:

I don't know.....lol.  The idea of getting to know someone new just exhausts me. 

I dated enough in my 20s.  I spent my 30s and now half of my 40s being a wife and a mom.  I seriously can not even imagine to starting "from scratch". 

But even if I did - finances would be a HUGE reason I would not want to get married again.

I know right?

Finances? I mean would you lose a big pension or some such?

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My dad got divorced 3 times in 16 years.  (1974, 1979ish, 1989) He's never marrying again.  He's had long term girlfriends and was willing to stay with them long term, but not to marry them.  I'm trying not to be snarky, but um, if you've been divorced more than once, I have a hard time imagining why you would want to legally marry again. I'm also not sure why someone would want to be a person's 3rd or 4th or...th spouse. I take marriage very seriously, so I'm not enthusiastic about someone with multiple failed marriages marrying again because statistics about marrying a 3rd time or more are grim.  I think it's actually respectful of marriage to bow out if you have concerns about another burning you. I have no problem with people choosing to be partners instead of spouses if they have a reason to think they might divorce again.

My mom's cousin was dumped by her good for nothing ex when their triplets were toddlers. He had no contact until the day after they turned 18 and didn't provide any financial support.  It was her strict policy to stay out of romantic relationships entirely until they were out of the house supporting themselves because of the low success rate of step-family situations. (Yes, I know people who are the exception, but I'm talking about generalities here.) I respect that.  I can't say I would do the same thing...I think..I dunno...maybe I would....but I get it. She has no plans to ever marry again and the girls are long since out of the house.

I know some branches of Christianity don't allow for remarriage, even for the victim of adultery.  I don't interpret that passage the same way they do, but I get where they're coming from on it.  It's another way to deeply respect marriage while refusing to participate in it.

I know a couple that went a very long time living together after the man was widowed twice, but that about retirement funds for the wife and they eventually married.

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3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Yes, this is the type of situation I am talking about.  What is being proved by refusing  to marry the mother of your children that you obviously love. 

That part I bolded was never in your original post.

 

 

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2 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

You are right, it isn't a person swearing off a *relationship*  it's a person swearing off MARRIAGE.  Marriage is different than a relationship, just like being a parent is different than having a relationship with kids. 

So what about a marriage is so much more terrifying than a relationship?

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1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Yes, this is the type of situation I am talking about.  What is being proved by refusing  to marry the mother of your children that you obviously love. 

I personally don't understand it. In this situation it seems like a sign of deep unhealed pain. 

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17 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

This is exactly the situation that perplexes me.  It is as if he thinks the institution of marriage is the problem instead of the two awful first wives.  

If someone marries two truly awful people, then that someone has a serious discernment problem. Their red flag system is defective.

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Just now, Scarlett said:

I know right?

Finances? I mean would you lose a big pension or some such?

No, I don't have any pension.  But we do have savings.  And I know way too many stories when even with pre-nups and wills $$$ got really messy for kids when their parents remarried in older years.

I have less than zero interest getting myself involved in that.  Another big one is elder care.  So, if I have assets and he doesn't and we are legally married, I could be screwed.

But all that aside, like I said, the idea of a new relationship.....just makes me so so soooo tired 🙂

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6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Yes, this is the type of situation I am talking about.  What is being proved by refusing  to marry the mother of your children that you obviously love. 

 

3 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

That part I bolded was never in your original post.

 

 

That refernce was to another persons post. 

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2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

So what about a marriage is so much more terrifying than a relationship?

I believe that marriage is one of the most serious and binding promises a person can ever make in their life and there are seriously VERY FEW things that would make me ever break that promise.  And for someone who feels the same way and has had their spouse break that most serious ever promise and be able to "walk away" in the way that our LEGAL society allows.........

 

It would scare the piss out of me to make that level of promise ever again.  I would have very serious trouble ever trusting someone to make that same sort of promise again.  

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2 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

If someone marries two truly awful people, then that someone has a serious discernment problem. Their red flag system is defective.

Well sure.  I can agree with that.  But shouldn’t the stopping point be before becoming involved in a relationship?

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Scarlett, again, why do you care about how other people handle their relationship?

 

If you have no problem marrying again....then fine?  Why do you care if it scares someone else who is in a relationship?

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Then again, I love watching Judge Judy and the financial messes people create for themselves bc they are NOT married.....lol

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1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

I believe that marriage is one of the most serious and binding promises a person can ever make in their life and there are seriously VERY FEW things that would make me ever break that promise.  And for someone who feels the same way and has had their spouse break that most serious ever promise and be able to "walk away" in the way that our LEGAL society allows.........

 

It would scare the piss out of me to make that level of promise ever again.  I would have very serious trouble ever trusting someone to make that same sort of promise again.  

Yes, I get that, but this man was talking about this woman AS IF he loved her and all that...but he wont marry her.  

Maybe the question should be why would you allow yourself to be that woman. 

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And here's something else to think about....

 

What if the person really actually just doesn't want to marry THAT person?  What if that person is good enough to mess around with but NOT good enough to marry..........................................and that person is totally ok with that arrangement?

 

If consenting adults are happy with their own situation and no kids are being hurt.. why is it worth even wondering about?

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1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

Scarlett, again, why do you care about how other people handle their relationship?

 

If you have no problem marrying again....then fine?  Why do you care if it scares someone else who is in a relationship?

I don’t care.  It is a conversation.  A musing.  Just thinking about how people do things.  Trying to make sense of the world.  It isn’t some big deep problem for me.  

Good grief.  

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3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Yes, I get that, but this man was talking about this woman AS IF he loved her and all that...but he wont marry her.  

Maybe the question should be why would you allow yourself to be that woman. 

Maybe because I want to be AS FREE to walk away.  ( not that I am saying I AM that woman of course, I am happily married for nearly 17 yrs now lol.  )  

 

Maybe because in being that woman I retain more power over myself and my family.  

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1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

And here's something else to think about....

 

What if the person really actually just doesn't want to marry THAT person?  What if that person is good enough to mess around with but NOT good enough to marry..........................................and that person is totally ok with that arrangement?

 

If consenting adults are happy with their own situation and no kids are being hurt.. why is it worth even wondering about?

 

I listened to the man talking....he didn’t sound like some player....but regardless, it is just me musing. If some crazy woman on the internet is wondering about ridiculous things why do you care?

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2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I don’t care.  It is a conversation.  A musing.  Just thinking about how people do things.  Trying to make sense of the world.  It isn’t some big deep problem for me.  

Good grief.  

You care enough that you remembered the random conversation between two people you don't know and have never met.  It's kinda weird to me that something like that would stick out in your mind so much.  

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Btw, people get themselves very legally entangled with OUT marriage.  

Edited by Scarlett
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2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Well sure.  I can agree with that.  But shouldn’t the stopping point be before becoming involved in a relationship?

It's not all or nothing.  I see no problem with someone struggling with discernment issues getting into a much more casual relationship so that when it all falls apart years in it's easier to walk away. The human desire for companionship is deeply ingrained and it's unrealistic to think even people with discernment issues will ignore it.  They just need to be able to move on.  I mean, if you want people to be able to move on when their awful spouse nukes the relationship, why shouldn't there be an out that doesn't involve taxpayer dollars for courts to dissolve the relationship they figured might go bad anyway? I prefer keeping marriage to people with an all in mindset.

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1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Btw, people get themselves very legally entangled with marriage.  

Yes, yes they do.  Which is likely part of the reason that some folks don't want to risk marriage, they find not getting married less legally entangling.  

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2 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Yes, yes they do.  Which is likely part of the reason that some folks don't want to risk marriage, they find not getting married less legally entangling.  

See my typo correction above.  

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4 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

You care enough that you remembered the random conversation between two people you don't know and have never met.  It's kinda weird to me that something like that would stick out in your mind so much.  

It is kinda weird to me you are acting like my curiosity on this is so weird.  If it doesn’t interest you, move along.  

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