Menu
Jump to content

What's with the ads?

Scarlett

Not wanting to risk it

Recommended Posts

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Btw, people get themselves very legally entangled with OUT marriage.  

But not all of them.  Plenty of people in long term romantic relationships are conscientious to avoid that as much as possible.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

But not all of them.  Plenty of people in long term romantic relationships are conscientious to avoid that as much as possible.

Correct...as well as those IN marriages.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's not the questioning, it's the intensity of it that I find a bit strange.  It's almost like there's no explanation that would make sense to you....like there's only one way to do relationships and marriage that makes sense to you.   I am not saying that's how you actually feel, but really, that's how it comes across....like there's no other way of thinking that would compute.  

  • Like 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

It's not the questioning, it's the intensity of it that I find a bit strange.  It's almost like there's no explanation that would make sense to you....like there's only one way to do relationships and marriage that makes sense to you.   I am not saying that's how you actually feel, but really, that's how it comes across....like there's no other way of thinking that would compute.  

Intense I may be in general.  This is not even  on the top ten list.....

It doesn’t compute which is why I am discussing it.  The man in generally did not come across as a man who run his life like that....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, actually, let me try it this way....

 

Scarlett, what was it that was difficult for you to understand about the conversation you overhear?   Can you elaborate further on your questions in the OP?  Perhaps we can help you better understand if we better understand what it is that you don't understand.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Intense I may be in general.  This is not even  on the top ten list.....

It doesn’t compute which is why I am discussing it.  The man in generally did not come across as a man who run his life like that....

"runs his life" like what?  What is it that you mean by that phrase?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't find this that confusing. There are lots of ways to define relationships. Marriage is just one. As long as you're honest that marriage isn't a definition you're interested in for any reason, it's all good. It doesn't have to be the fault of bad marriages either. Part of coming out of that can be realizing you're happier and a better person in a relationship with different boundaries than a marriage.

If you're coming from a religious background, maybe this is tougher to really grok?

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My father has stated he will never marry again.  He is recently divorced after a very brief marriage to a woman that has a personality disorder, (no one realized it until after they were married). 

Older people often have a lot of financial resources and it's messy sorting out what is "fair" once you remarry, especially if one spouse has considerably more assets than the other. 

My father wanted the bulk of his estate to go to his children and grandchildren, and to leave a smaller portion of money plus survivorship rights to the house to his (now former) wife.  She would have been taken care of; we were not ever going to toss her out on the street or let her suffer.  She wanted ALL of his estate to go to her and pass on to her children and grandchildren after she died.  That didn't sit right with anyone, because she did absolutely zero to contribute to that wealth, but her argument was that once she said "I do", she was entitled to everything as his wife.  For what it's worth, I don't really care what my dad does with his money.  I had already told him to take me out of his will for other reasons, so I had no dog in the race.  But my father worked VERY hard for that money, and it burned up everyone that someone who put in zero work or support while he earned that money would take it all and we'd have to fight her to fulfill his wishes.     

So that's why some people won't ever remarry.  People feel very entitled and greedy when money is involved, and sometimes the only way to protect those assets is to make sure no one has the opportunity to touch them.  I do hope that my dad finds a nice girlfriend one day, and preferably someone that has her own money, so she won't be hot to remarry because she thinks her grandkids will get a trust fund.    

Edited by MissLemon
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

It has me thinking......I would not say I am bothered.  I am trying to figure how people decide a relationship is ok bit marriage is not.  

This doesn’t seem strange to me at all. However, I do have a hard time understanding people who say they are not ready to marry someone, but they will go ahead and have a child with them.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, Frances said:

This doesn’t seem strange to me at all. However, I do have a hard time understanding people who say they are not ready to marry someone, but they will go ahead and have a child with them.

Yes!!  I could never understand that either

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Yes, this is the type of situation I am talking about.  What is being proved by refusing  to marry the mother of your children that you obviously love. 

Some would say what would be proved by getting a piece of paper saying they are married?

14 minutes ago, Frances said:

This doesn’t seem strange to me at all. However, I do have a hard time understanding people who say they are not ready to marry someone, but they will go ahead and have a child with them.

I think it's because they just want a child.  They want the child way more than they want a co-parent. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Paige said:

Some would say what would be proved by getting a piece of paper saying they are married?

I think it's because they just want a child.  They want the child way more than they want a co-parent. 

I suppose there are instances where that works out well for everyone involved, but it doesn’t seem like a very stable beginning for bringing an innocent child into this world.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If something were to happen to DH, I really doubt I'd remarry. 

I would be concerned for my kids. I'd have a hard time even dating while there were young kids in the home and my youngest is a baby so it's going to be a while.

I don't particularly enjoy sleeping with a snorer. And who's to know you're getting a snorer until you are really spending time sleeping with someone? I like my own bed and my own space.

I wouldn't want to give up my power and control. Marriage is about giving up power as me becomes we. With kids, I don't want to do that with someone who's not their dad. 

I don't want to deal with any of the financial implications with inheritance and pensions. 

  • Like 5
  • Thanks 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

This is exactly the situation that perplexes me.  It is as if he thinks the institution of marriage is the problem instead of the two awful first wives.  

 

Well to be fair marriage is a huge problem if you are married to an awful person.

Bottom line is they want sex or companionship, the trappings of marriage or the life of an affectionate couple, without any of the legal entanglements of marriage commitment.

And if they don’t view that as a sin and they both agree that’s enough for them - then there is no reason for them to not do that.

I’m with you in that I view that as a sin and that wouldn’t be enough for me - so I think it’s very sad and misguided and usually doesn’t end happily, especially if they are claiming to be Christian.  Though I’ll give credit that when it ends unhappily, it’s usually at least less of a legal pita.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Yes, I get that, but this man was talking about this woman AS IF he loved her and all that...but he wont marry her.  

Maybe the question should be why would you allow yourself to be that woman. 

 

Why not? Maybe the woman has no interest in marriage, either.

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Intense I may be in general.  This is not even  on the top ten list.....

It doesn’t compute which is why I am discussing it.  The man in generally did not come across as a man who run his life like that....

 

Do you think the man is immoral for being in a serious relationship with a woman he doesn’t plan to marry? 

I’m trying to figure out how you feel about this.

Personally, if anything were to happen to my dh, I would not marry again. If I dated anyone, I would be sure he knew I wasn’t interested in marriage or in living together. I want my own house and my own stuff, and I want to control my money and my assets and I want to ensure that when I die, my son will inherit everything I have. I don’t want him to have to split it with anyone, and if I had a new dh or a live-in companion, they might make things difficult for ds. I don’t plan to be a hermit, but the last thing I would want to do is remarry. Additionally, being older, I wouldn’t just be marrying the man; I would probably have to deal with his children and grandchildren, and that could be a major source of stress. If I’m not married to the guy, he can deal with his family and give them money and let them stay at his house and babysit his grandkids every weekend, and do whatever else he wants to do with and for them, and it’s neither my responsibility nor my concern.  Freedom is good.

My late MIL was a widow for years, and people used to ask her why she never remarried. She told them she had no interest in taking care of anyone but herself, and the single older men she knew would mostly be looking for someone to cook for them, clean for them, do their laundry, and take care of them when they were sick. She said she would have gladly done all of those things for dh’s father if he was still alive, but she wasn’t about to start over with someone new. She had lots of friends and she was able to travel and do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted to do it, without having to answer to anyone. She had a very happy life. 

  • Like 16

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There’s lots of relationships I don’t understand. This board is full of people asking relationship questions that they don’t get either. 

I don’t understand anything about hookups. I just don’t get it. That mindset makes no sense to me at all. 

I don’t understand people who think “bad boys/girls” are sexy. All I see is a jerk. 

Or daddy/mommy complexes. That just weirds me out. 

At least this example makes some sense. If they don’t value marriage anymore for whatever reason and or don’t think sex outside of marriage matters morally, then sure, why would they care to get married?

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

Why not? Maybe the woman has no interest in marriage, either.

 

Do you think the man is immoral for being in a serious relationship with a woman he doesn’t plan to marry? 

I’m trying to figure out how you feel about this.

Personally, if anything were to happen to my dh, I would not marry again. If I dated anyone, I would be sure he knew I wasn’t interested in marriage or in living together. I want my own house and my own stuff, and I want to control my money and my assets and I want to ensure that when I die, my son will inherit everything I have. I don’t want him to have to split it with anyone, and if I had a new dh or a live-in companion, they might make things difficult for ds. I don’t plan to be a hermit, but the last thing I would want to do is remarry. Additionally, being older, I wouldn’t just be marrying the man; I would probably have to deal with his children and grandchildren, and that could be a major source of stress. If I’m not married to the guy, he can deal with his family and give them money and let them stay at his house and babysit his grandkids every weekend, and do whatever else he wants to do with and for them, and it’s neither my responsibility nor my concern.  Freedom is good.

My late MIL was a widow for years, and people used to ask her why she never remarried. She told them she had no interest in taking care of anyone but herself, and the single older men she knew would mostly be looking for someone to cook for them, clean for them, do their laundry, and take care of them when they were sick. She said she would have gladly done all of those things for dh’s father if he was still alive, but she wasn’t about to start over with someone new. She had lots of friends and she was able to travel and do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted to do it, without having to answer to anyone. She had a very happy life. 

 

Not scarlett but as for myself:

I wouldn’t consider him in a serious relationship. But I would consider him in an immoral relationship. 

Also, I’d be like your mil. If anything happens that leaves me single - I have no desire nor reason to ever remarry and a multitude of reasons, not even counting the kids, not to remarry. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

Not scarlett but as for myself:

I wouldn’t consider him in a serious relationship. But I would consider him in an immoral relationship. 

Also, I’d be like your mil. If anything happens that leaves me single - I have no desire nor reason to ever remarry and a multitude of reasons, not even counting the kids, not to remarry. 

 

But in fairness to the guy, we don’t really know that it’s an immoral relationship by anyone’s definition of the term. We just know that he cares about a woman, but he doesn’t want to marry her. We don’t know if they’re living together or if they’re sleeping together. It’s not fair to judge the guy based on a few sentences Scarlett overheard in the store.

  • Like 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

But in fairness to the guy, we don’t really know that it’s an immoral relationship by anyone’s definition of the term. We just know that he cares about a woman, but he doesn’t want to marry her. We don’t know if they’re living together or if they’re sleeping together. It’s not fair to judge the guy based on a few sentences Scarlett overheard in the store.

 

Oh well. I’m judging based on criterion put forth in a this debatable scenario.  If that’s not the case, then good for him and her. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

Oh well. I’m judging based on criterion put forth in a this debatable scenario.  If that’s not the case, then good for him and her. 

 

I’m not willing to judge the guy when this is the only information we have:

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Employee said ‘ you getting married?’ Customer said , ‘no she is a keeper, a great gal, but I just can’t risk that again.’

 

A few quick sentences in a casual conversation between a store employee and a customer doesn’t really tell us much at all.

Honestly, I doubt I would have paid any attention to it if I had been there, and if I did think anything about it, I probably would have simply assumed the guy had his reasons and let it go at that. Why would I care whether or not some guy at the store wants to get married?

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

There’s lots of relationships I don’t understand. This board is full of people asking relationship questions that they don’t get either. 

I don’t understand anything about hookups. I just don’t get it. That mindset makes no sense to me at all. 

I don’t understand people who think “bad boys/girls” are sexy. All I see is a jerk. 

Or daddy/mommy complexes. That just weirds me out. 

At least this example makes some sense. If they don’t value marriage anymore for whatever reason and or don’t think sex outside of marriage matters morally, then sure, why would they care to get married?

 

Ok, I did NOT get much sleep last night (stressing over things) but I am not even sure I understand what you mean by bad girls/boys are sexy?   And how does that make him/her a jerk?

And what is the daddy or mommy complex?  I guess I have missed some posts!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

DH and I have talked about what we would do if one of us died.  He claims he would never marry again.  I told him I might marry again! 😘  I get lonely by myself.  I didn't marry until I was 29 and I remember the loneliness and wanting someone, BUT, not being willing to just settle either.  I was accused of being too picky, too judgmental about guys, etc......and several of those who "accused" me are now divorced.  I get where they were coming from back then, but some of them settled, and I knew it.  

I am seeing several of. you mention finances.....I get that.....but can't you do a pre-nup?  Or is that still legally problematic?  I really don't know much about it.  I would want to make sure my $$ went to my kids as well.  And I would want to make sure my Aspie was well cared for in particular.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One reason women "settle" is because they are brought up to have low standards of men. They don't expect any better because they haven't seen any better or been treated as though they deserve any better.
Another is because they either don't yet know or don't believe that there are worse things than being alone.

Or they don't care about marriage either. Or they do but put it aside because their lover has hang ups, the same as everyone else does.

Etc.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I haven’t read all the replies, but I have theorized the exact same thing. I do not expect I would ever marry again, no matter if I might meet someone I love again. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Paige said:

If something were to happen to DH, I really doubt I'd remarry. 

I would be concerned for my kids. I'd have a hard time even dating while there were young kids in the home and my youngest is a baby so it's going to be a while.

I don't particularly enjoy sleeping with a snorer. And who's to know you're getting a snorer until you are really spending time sleeping with someone? I like my own bed and my own space.

I wouldn't want to give up my power and control. Marriage is about giving up power as me becomes we. With kids, I don't want to do that with someone who's not their dad. 

I don't want to deal with any of the financial implications with inheritance and pensions. 

The bolded is exactly it for me. And this continues even after the kids have grown up and moved on. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Scarlett said:

So what about a marriage is so much more terrifying than a relationship?

The legal ramifications, and it isn't easy in this day and age to extract oneself from a bad relationship once the paperwork is signed. It is pretty darn expensive, and way more emotionally damaging because the process through the courts is fairly awful, some states being worse than others.

My MIL has a boyfriend. But she's an 82 year old widower with a complicated trust for her estate, and if she married, the whole thing would have to be re-done. Michigan is a community property state, and they each both have three grown children and herd of grandchildren. His kids would have a cow if he remarried. We also said no. Because marriage has legal responsibilities that come with it, and we aren't going to be involved in decision making with his grown kids from another state whom we have never met. Our lives are complicated enough without that! Both of their health is failing so easily something could happen to one of them before all of the complicated financial and legal mess was sorted out, and that would leave all six of us in a whale of a disaster on top of which one of his kids has indicated he'd really like to end up with MIL's house. Of course he does. He's a recovering drug addict, and we live six miles away. His father has even indicated how it would be nice for us to look after the grown son! UHM NO!

So they hang out, the travel together, they go to church together, and they genuinely do love each other, but their lives remain legally, formally separate. That's the way it should be.

My uncle had a long term relationship for 30 years before he died in his sixties. They both had complicated retirement pensions and plans, both had complicated estates just from a young age (my uncle was fostering a niece and nephew and in order to marry her and keep the children, there hoops to jump with the state as well). The children were pretty unstable over what happened to them so until they were grown, he kept his relationship with her on the down low. She loved uncle very much and was quite happy with the situation. After the kids grew up, they had settled into a happy, content situation that met both of their needs. Neither one had a religious reason to marry, and they both really liked their own houses, neither wanted to give the other place up permanently. It was easy to continue the status quo. We all came to love her, and she was at his side when he passed away.

 

My grandmother re-married after my grandfather died. The man was nice and everything, that wasn't the issue. The marriage complicated her survivor's benefits on my grandfather's pensions, messed up her new husband's benefits which he had been receiving based on his previous wife's pension, caused a six month mess at social security which admittedly was more incompetency in the department and not so much about the marriage but still would never have happened if they had remained single, stuck her with responsibility that she thought his kids would handle but their attitude was "you married him, he's your problem now", etc. She took a huge hit financially, the guy only lived two years, and then my aunt and father figure had to dive in and straighten it all out. Total mess!

And especially where there are kids involved....just because the parent really loves someone else, it doesn't naturally equal their getting married as being a good move for the kids.

I can think of a lot of scenarios that would make the legal entanglements of marriage undesirable for many, legitimate reasons, yet the relationship is beneficial to both parties.

Maybe if we did it like France, it would be easier. They have the Pacs. (Not sure if I spelled that right.) Is a layer of marriage or civil union/civil solidarity that allows the couple involved to easily dissolve with a 50/50 split of marital assets. It has some of the responsibilities of marriage, but allows financial independence and easy separation while still having the tax benefits that France gives to married couples. Fully married is the next option, and it is a legally binding contract that is more involved than here in the USA. It is governed by matriomonial regimes. Here is a description of them. There are four matrimonial ‘regimes’ ( régime matrimonial😞 two communal regimes ( régime communautaire) and two ‘separatist’ regimes ( régime séparatiste). Under a communauté universelle, all assets and all debts are jointly owned; under a communauté réduite aux acquêts, each spouse retains ownership of assets acquired before marriage (and assets acquired after marriage in the form of inheritances and gifts), while all assets acquired jointly after marriage are jointly owned. Under a séparation de biens, nothing is jointly owned; and under a participation aux acquêts, nothing is jointly owned but if the marriage is dissolved, assets acquired during the marriage are divided equally.

The above would kind of spell things out ahead of time, and make the financial arrangements standardized.

  • Like 5
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

I’m not willing to judge the guy when this is the only information we have:

 

A few quick sentences in a casual conversation between a store employee and a customer doesn’t really tell us much at all.

Honestly, I doubt I would have paid any attention to it if I had been there, and if I did think anything about it, I probably would have simply assumed the guy had his reasons and let it go at that. Why would I care whether or not some guy at the store wants to get married?

Sigh.  Obviously I am not judging the man.  The conversation was strange enough that the employee started talking to me about it after the customer left.  So I don't care either how a stranger is living his life.....it was just an incident in my day that got me to thinking about the entire topic.  

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I do understand the desire to protect one's assets. Heck my house is still in my name (only) 8 years after our wedding.  I have a life insurance policy that still lists my parents as beneficiaries.  I was just thinking that all of these complications people are seeking to avoid by not marrying often times aren't really avoided.  If you are in a long term serious relationship how do you not have contact with and interactions with each other's children grown or otherwise?  If you move a partner in with you, they usually have some sort of domestic right to not be kicked out at a moments notice. 

Just things I think about while driving around running errands like I was doing yesterday.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

On a side note - @Scarlett  I am the same way you are.  I'd hear a conversation or see something on TV or hear some gossip and I do think about things people do that I wouldn't do myself and I very much am interested in reasons as to why they do it.  I think the whole human behaviour thing is totally fascinating!!

Sometimes my husband gets utterly annoyed when I would pause a movie for half an hour just so I can pick his brain on a particular question or situation that just happened in the movie.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, SereneHome said:

On a side note - @Scarlett  I am the same way you are.  I'd hear a conversation or see something on TV or hear some gossip and I do think about things people do that I wouldn't do myself and I very much am interested in reasons as to why they do it.  I think the whole human behaviour thing is totally fascinating!!

Sometimes my husband gets utterly annoyed when I would pause a movie for half an hour just so I can pick his brain on a particular question or situation that just happened in the movie.

LOL, we have this problem with the boy majoring in Anthropology. He always thinks of some human behavior thing to discuss. He is usually bouncing with excitement when he gets out of the movie theater because he just can't wait to gush about some aspect and have a discussion.

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, SereneHome said:

On a side note - @Scarlett  I am the same way you are.  I'd hear a conversation or see something on TV or hear some gossip and I do think about things people do that I wouldn't do myself and I very much am interested in reasons as to why they do it.  I think the whole human behaviour thing is totally fascinating!!

Sometimes my husband gets utterly annoyed when I would pause a movie for half an hour just so I can pick his brain on a particular question or situation that just happened in the movie.

Yes.  🙂  Thank you for understanding.  I am very interested in human behavior.  

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
28 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I do understand the desire to protect one's assets. Heck my house is still in my name (only) 8 years after our wedding.  I have a life insurance policy that still lists my parents as beneficiaries.  I was just thinking that all of these complications people are seeking to avoid by not marrying often times aren't really avoided.  If you are in a long term serious relationship how do you not have contact with and interactions with each other's children grown or otherwise?  If you move a partner in with you, they usually have some sort of domestic right to not be kicked out at a moments notice. 

Just things I think about while driving around running errands like I was doing yesterday.

In terms of assets, living together generally does not give one a legal right to your assets. So that is one aspect. Another is that many people have estates that are more complicated than just whose name is on the house. Retirement benefits, pensions, insurance policies that are not so straight forward, overseas holdings, etc. In a community property state, marriage makes those assets marital assets. Living together does not. And in some states, the laws really do not favor live in domestic partners and they can be evicted pretty easily.

In my uncle's case, he and his long term girlfriend were VERY private and kept their relationship quite low key in terms of the niece and nephew he fostered while they were young. People do that. They really do limit contact if that is their priority. He had babysitters, and they went out. They sometimes spent a week or so of summer vacation with my grandparents, so he and his girlfriend would take a cruise or whatever. 

If something happened to DH and I decided to date again, I would not have the new person around my adult kids at all, and that might be something I would choose to maintain for many, many years. But if I married that person, permanently shared a domicile, etc. it would be a lot tougher.

In MIL's case, we have never met her boyfriend's children. They have no desire to meet us. The twain shall not meet apparently. That's fine. That is their choice, and we don't view them as family or anything so have no vested emotional interest in them either. With young children it might not be easy, but it absolutely can be done.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, SereneHome said:

On a side note - @Scarlett  I am the same way you are.  I'd hear a conversation or see something on TV or hear some gossip and I do think about things people do that I wouldn't do myself and I very much am interested in reasons as to why they do it.  I think the whole human behaviour thing is totally fascinating!!

Sometimes my husband gets utterly annoyed when I would pause a movie for half an hour just so I can pick his brain on a particular question or situation that just happened in the movie.

On NYE at the grocery store, I heard a man talking on the phone and he said, "I'll help with all that. I just want to see you" in such a sad, plaintive tone it hurt my heart. He looked so distressed and he just slumped as he listened to the reply.

Based on that, I don't think the reply was, "Hey, sure! Come on over!"

: -(

  • Sad 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, unsinkable said:

On NYE at the grocery store, I heard a man talking on the phone and he said, "I'll help with all that. I just want to see you" in such a sad, plaintive tone it hurt my heart. He looked so distressed and he just slumped as he listened to the reply.

Based on that, I don't think the reply was, "Hey, sure! Come on over!"

: -(

Oh how sad.  See that would have had me wondering about it for days.  A girlfriend?  An adult kid?  A parent?  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Oh how sad.  See that would have had me wondering about it for days.  A girlfriend?  An adult kid?  A parent?  

Same.

It's four days later and I'm writing about it on this board. 

  • Like 1
  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There's nothing wrong with Scarlett asking the question, in my opinion. She heard something, it struck a chord with her, and she asked for people's thinking on it. Just. As. People. Do. Here. All. The. Time.

I have a couple of family members who had long-term relationships after a divorce. For one, it was for religious reasons. The relationship following the divorce lasted until the death of parties. We're talking decades. To the extended family, we treated the partner as a spouse. The other family member eventually married the partner after many years. It took a long time before that person was mentally ready to fully leave the original marriage behind.

 

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
23 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

LOL, we have this problem with the boy majoring in Anthropology. He always thinks of some human behavior thing to discuss. He is usually bouncing with excitement when he gets out of the movie theater because he just can't wait to gush about some aspect and have a discussion.

I so badly wanted to major in Psychology.  But I couldn't see myself doing a lot of schooling after getting Bachelor's degree.  So, I went for accounting.  But my house is filled with books on human behaviour. 

But I think nothing can beat real life encounters!

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Even if all the legalities were tidy and sewn up, there are complications with adult children who are now “step-siblings” with total strangers. 

My grandmother remarried when she was around 80, to her church minister whom she had loved for ages from a distance. (In my armchair observation, this was really her true love and not my grandfather, but I’m sure no inpropriety ever occurred.) He truly was an absolute gem of a man and he lived several years beyond her eventual death at 96. But his daughter and my mom had intense “sibling rivalry” over him, especially after my grandmother’s death. The daughter saw my mother as meddlesome, while my mother saw his daughter as unconnected and uninterested in physically being there. It seemed like my mom was here saying, “Oh, that daughter of him! She just wants to throw money at him form a hundred miles away and think that solves all problems!” While the daughter seemed to think, “Oh, that daughter of hers! Thinks she’s Miss Exemplary Christian stopping by every day to cut his meat like he’s a moron!” 

And as a side note, I don’t know what ever became of a lot of the things my grandmother owned. Once she died, they were at “his” house and I personally didn’t feel I had a right to come loot his house for memorbilia from my grandmother. So some stuff - who knows what became of it. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
34 minutes ago, Quill said:

Even if all the legalities were tidy and sewn up, there are complications with adult children who are now “step-siblings” with total strangers. 

My grandmother remarried when she was around 80, to her church minister whom she had loved for ages from a distance. (In my armchair observation, this was really her true love and not my grandfather, but I’m sure no inpropriety ever occurred.) He truly was an absolute gem of a man and he lived several years beyond her eventual death at 96. But his daughter and my mom had intense “sibling rivalry” over him, especially after my grandmother’s death. The daughter saw my mother as meddlesome, while my mother saw his daughter as unconnected and uninterested in physically being there. It seemed like my mom was here saying, “Oh, that daughter of him! She just wants to throw money at him form a hundred miles away and think that solves all problems!” While the daughter seemed to think, “Oh, that daughter of hers! Thinks she’s Miss Exemplary Christian stopping by every day to cut his meat like he’s a moron!” 

And as a side note, I don’t know what ever became of a lot of the things my grandmother owned. Once she died, they were at “his” house and I personally didn’t feel I had a right to come loot his house for memorbilia from my grandmother. So some stuff - who knows what became of it. 

I feel super fortunate to have the step family I do.  My step sister and I trust each other 100%.  I trust my own brother barely at all.  I would never keep something of her dad's that she wanted nor would she keep something of my mom's .  Our parents are the ones who are causing us grief by not having a will.  My step brother is a ward of the state and does not have his mind so any inheritance he gets could cause my sister a lot of grief in regards to his care.  

Edited to add--My step sister and I were not strangers when our parents married though.  Our families had been friends for 25 years at that time and now over 40.  So I am sure it might be different if we were strangers.

Edited by Scarlett

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Sigh.  Obviously I am not judging the man.  The conversation was strange enough that the employee started talking to me about it after the customer left.  So I don't care either how a stranger is living his life.....it was just an incident in my day that got me to thinking about the entire topic.  

 

I don’t think there is anything wrong with starting a thread to talk about something you found strange. I’m just trying to figure out what was so strange or unusual about what the guy said. You seem to be reading a lot more into it than I am. 

He said, “No, she is a keeper, a great gal, but I just can’t risk that again.”

All it sounds like to me is that he has been burned in the past, so even though he really likes the woman he’s currently seeing, he’s not interested in getting married again, at least not now. 

What’s the big deal about that? It sounds perfectly normal to me that a person doesn’t want to get married. Do you think everyone should want to be married?

Sorry to ask so many questions, but I’m genuinely puzzled about this and I’m trying to understand your point of view.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, SereneHome said:

 

But I think nothing can beat real life encounters!

QFT.  People are very interesting to me.  I hear some great stories from our customers.  I always think I will remember details but I don't.  For instance one older man was telling me all about how he played minor league base ball in his youth but they barely made any money.  It was so interesting! I could write a book of people's stories.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

 

I don’t think there is anything wrong with starting a thread to talk about something you found strange. I’m just trying to figure out what was so strange or unusual about what the guy said. You seem to be reading a lot more into it than I am. 

He said, “No, she is a keeper, a great gal, but I just can’t risk that again.”

All it sounds like to me is that he has been burned in the past, so even though he really likes the woman he’s currently seeing, he’s not interested in getting married again, at least not now. 

What’s the big deal about that? It sounds perfectly normal to me that a person doesn’t want to get married. Do you think everyone should want to be married?

Sorry to ask so many questions, but I’m genuinely puzzled about this and I’m trying to understand your point of view.

It is not perfectly normal in my world for a man to gush about how great a woman he has but then shake his head and say he won't marry her.  

I do not think everyone should want to be married.  The part I was musing about is being involved in a long term romantic relationship and not wanting to marry.  I know a lot of single people who plan to never marry.  But they aren't involved with anyone. So as is normal there are different 'worlds' represented on this board.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, Scarlett said:

This is exactly the situation that perplexes me.  It is as if he thinks the institution of marriage is the problem instead of the two awful first wives.  

I know people who strongly believe in a concept of Christian marriage but view that totally separate of the legal institution of marriage in our society.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, SereneHome said:

On a side note - @Scarlett  I am the same way you are.  I'd hear a conversation or see something on TV or hear some gossip and I do think about things people do that I wouldn't do myself and I very much am interested in reasons as to why they do it.  I think the whole human behaviour thing is totally fascinating!!

Sometimes my husband gets utterly annoyed when I would pause a movie for half an hour just so I can pick his brain on a particular question or situation that just happened in the movie.

My mother was a floral designer.  One day at the flower shop a man ordered a beautiful bouquet to be delivered to a woman with a card that read, "Is it springtime yet?" All the employees discussed what that could possibly mean and the backstory behind it for months.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My sister remarried. Her 2nd husband sexually assaulted her 11 year old daughter. She has made it very clear she won't marry again until her youngest kid (now 9) is an adult, at the very soonest.

My mom remarried. Her 2nd husband developed a pain pill addiction problem, she found out after they'd married that he'd forgotten to mention spending several years in Federal prison for playing stupid with guns in his early 20's, and those two things landed him in Federal prison and her a single parent of two young kids, in her 60's. She's so done with marriage you could stick a fork in her.

Our girlfriend was married once, was divorced five years after the marriage really ended, and has no intention of remarrying. I don't think she would even marry DH if the possibility opened up, and they've been together (this time around, they also dated before either of them married anyone) for 11 years now. Her marriage traumatized her in certain ways (even though her ex is a good guy was a good father to her sons, they weren't good together) that make her cling to her independence, on paper at least. 

When I was young and stupid (18, maybe 19) I married a friend (not one I knew well, mind you) to be his "beard" because he wanted to join the Marines and it was DADT. We figured the extra $$ from BAH until he left for boot camp (I was in the Navy at the time) would be nice, too. Now-DH (then friend) sat me down and explained to me just how stupid this was, and just what level of legal entanglement I'd gotten myself into with a guy who was, really, just an acquaintance. Fortunately, a quickie dissolution (not sure if it was annulment or technically divorce) was easily obtained in Florida! It lasted 3 months all told, and we came out a little ahead because the BAH was more than the marriage license and dissolution fees. That taught me "reasons why not to get married." I doubt I would marry again after DH unless minor kids or some other major financial reason TOGETHER with a desire for life partnership was in the picture, and certainly wouldn't do so on impulse.

Some people never learn, though. Ex-stepdad married a chick he met in rehab just a couple of months after he was released from the Federal re-entry halfway house. She's over 20 years younger than him (He's in his 50's, she's barely 30, younger than one of my foster sisters he raised from young teen to adult with my mom), and he had only barely introduced her to his kids (my youngest sister and young brother, ages 11 and 9) as a "friend" on one occasion beforehand.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
33 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I feel super fortunate to have the step family I do.  My step sister and I trust each other 100%.  I trust my own brother barely at all.  I would never keep something of her dad's that she wanted nor would she keep something of my mom's .  Our parents are the ones who are causing us grief by not having a will.  My step brother is a ward of the state and does not have his mind so any inheritance he gets could cause my sister a lot of grief in regards to his care.  

Edited to add--My step sister and I were not strangers when our parents married though.  Our families had been friends for 25 years at that time and now over 40.  So I am sure it might be different if we were strangers.

That is really great, that all of you have such good relationships with the steps. And Scarlett, you are a good-hearted person with a strong set of personal ethics. Unfortunately, many families do not have steps that act this way with each other and work to develop healthy relationships.

All I can say is that when my brother passes, it is going to be NIGHTMARE. He remarried and adopted a child as well as had a biological child with his second wife, but his three sons with his first wife were much older and not raised with either of the girls. The girls expect their brothers to help them be responsible for their mother when the time comes, but their mother was literally the "evil stepmother" of fairy tale fame (and they were in their late teens so there was no way they were going to overlook some of her behavior), and made it quite known to the boys that she wasn't their mother, didn't give a crap about them, and wanted nothing to do with them. So guess what. The boys want nothing to do with her. None of them spend any holidays together because of this, and when the boys have gotten married, step mother was not invited because her behavior towards their mother could not be trusted, and this made the little sister mad so they refused to attend though they were teens and were given the option of attending with their dad. It's a mess. We BARELY made it through my father figure's funeral due to the family dynamics. I thought my sister and I would lose our minds trying to keep the crazy away from our mom.

I can so easily see this kind of family dynamic being the reason that many would choose to be in a long term relationship that is more casual, definitely not headed towards marriage, keeping everything clearly separated even if they are devoted to the other person.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

My mother was a floral designer.  One day at the flower shop a man ordered a beautiful bouquet to be delivered to a woman with a card that read, "Is it springtime yet?" All the employees discussed what that could possibly mean and the backstory behind it for months.

That is probably a cute story...alas we shall never know.  Unless that woman is on this board and reveals herself.  Hmmm.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't understand why people think of what parents have as belonging to their kids.  It doesn't. I highly encourage people to give what they want to go to certain people before they die.  That's really the only way to be sure it actually happens.

But the whole not wanting to become a caregiver in my 70s? I totally get that.

The whole not wanting to rearrange my life and finances and wills?  I get that too.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

I know people who strongly believe in a concept of Christian marriage but view that totally separate of the legal institution of marriage in our society.

Very much so. And this is the way it is in France. If a couple goes to the priest or pastor or whatever and has a religious ceremony, it means nothing legally. Only certain public officials can marry anyone. But if the couple has their civil ceremony, it doesn't make their marriage blessed religiously at least not in the Catholic Church. So for those that have a religious perspective on marriage, they go through the legal hoops of a legal marriage, and then through the hoops of a religious one. I actually prefer this. Different denominations have different perspectives and teaching so instead of blurring the lines between the state and the church, I prefer total separation with the state defining and conducting legal marriage, and each church defining religious marriage for their members and conducting that. No confusion between the two.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Quill said:

Even if all the legalities were tidy and sewn up, there are complications with adult children who are now “step-siblings” with total strangers. 

My grandmother remarried when she was around 80, to her church minister whom she had loved for ages from a distance. (In my armchair observation, this was really her true love and not my grandfather, but I’m sure no inpropriety ever occurred.) He truly was an absolute gem of a man and he lived several years beyond her eventual death at 96. But his daughter and my mom had intense “sibling rivalry” over him, especially after my grandmother’s death. The daughter saw my mother as meddlesome, while my mother saw his daughter as unconnected and uninterested in physically being there. It seemed like my mom was here saying, “Oh, that daughter of him! She just wants to throw money at him form a hundred miles away and think that solves all problems!” While the daughter seemed to think, “Oh, that daughter of hers! Thinks she’s Miss Exemplary Christian stopping by every day to cut his meat like he’s a moron!” 

And as a side note, I don’t know what ever became of a lot of the things my grandmother owned. Once she died, they were at “his” house and I personally didn’t feel I had a right to come loot his house for memorbilia from my grandmother. So some stuff - who knows what became of it. 

 

This reminds me, my maternal grandfather's 3rd wife (who was younger than one of his daughters) left a bunch of family pictures, mostly of his 2nd wife and all the kids (my mom and aunt, Grandma B's kids who Grandpa helped raise) out in the rain shortly after he died.

Of course, her OWN kids didn't even like her, so...that was really just the sort of awful person she was. They were separated for several years, with Grandpa living in a little house he used to rent out while she lived in his nice one...I'm pretty sure he didn't divorce her out of religious sense of obligation to the marriage (his first marriage ended with Grandma divorcing him, and he was widowed with the second wife), and she didn't divorce him because she was a gold digger.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...