mom@shiloh Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 Here's the situation: my dd (early teens) has a friend who she spends time with occasionally. The last time she went to this friend's house for a sleepover, she said, "I'm never doing that again." This friend can be ok some of the time, but especially if there's other friends around, she can be rude and cliquish. If your dd was invited to this friend's house again, would you: 1) remind her of previous bad experiences (there have been more than just that one time) and let her make her own decision. OR 2) remind her of previous bad experiences and tell her she can't go OR 3) don't bring up past experiences and let her make her own decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alisoncooks Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 (edited) I'd lean towards #1, assuming the bad experiences aren't dangerous. Edited September 21, 2018 by alisoncooks 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom@shiloh Posted September 21, 2018 Author Share Posted September 21, 2018 No, nothing intense or dangerous. More along the lines of having four people over and then only talking with three of them and leaving my dd out and continuously talking about events that dd wasn't invited to. FWIW, this girl's mom does this all the time as well and I've made the decision to avoid her company. I'd like my dd to understand that some "friendships" just aren't healthy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 "Oh, I thought you didn't want to." Maybe she wonders if she overreacted. Maybe she has a plan to try to work it out this time. Maybe it'll still stink and confirm the doubts she has. Given the non-danger, seems like a good opportunity for figuring out how/if a friendship will work moving forward. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bambam Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 I'd probably go with #1. Young teens sometimes forget the bad things when they are looking forward to some new exciting thing - or at least mine did! So, I'd gently remind her and let her make the decision. If she decided to go anyway, I would also offer her an easy out if she got there and decided she wanted to go home. Easy peasy. I'd even take the blame if she wanted to come home but didn't want to admit that in front of friends. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 (edited) 16 hours ago, alisoncooks said: I'd lean towards #1, assuming the bad experiences aren't dangerous. 16 hours ago, happysmileylady said: Presuming that her bad experience had to do with friend being "rude and cliquish" I would go option three. Well, I say option three, but it's more like halfway between 1 and 3. I might say something like "Oh, I thought you said you weren't doing that again?" But I wouldn't go into any more detail than that. This. The experience will help her with future friend choices. I found a lot of my teen maturity came from learning what not to do, what I didn’t like, what I wouldn’t accept. I think the process is important, and sometimes friendships at that age can be difficult. The friend may not intentionally be aloof, but is otherwise nice. Your DD may not be confident to express her needs during a situation like that, etc. Edited September 22, 2018 by displace 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 Is there an option 4? Can you come up with a reason why she would want to stay home and do something else that would be more fun than the sleepover? Honestly, if this girl’s mother is the same way, I wouldn’t encourage your dd to spend time with that family. I wouldn’t want your dd to be hurt or to think that she should either expect or accept this kind of treatment from people who are supposed to be her friends. I would absolutely remind her of her past unpleasant experiences with this friend during sleepovers and ask her why she wants to open herself up to that kind of treatment once again. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 (edited) 1) remind her of previous bad experiences (there have been more than just that one time) and let her make her own decision. This. My OB used just this tactic when I told her I didn't want an epidural with Baby #6. It was empowering for me to make the decision myself, but I needed the push to give me the strength to make a decision other than the one I wanted.. Edited September 21, 2018 by Junie 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 I agree with previous posters about being between 1 and 3. She may also be carried along in the excitement of planning and not wanting to be left out, but once she has had some time to think and remember may realize she won't actually have a lot of fun. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 I would say something like, “are you concerned about how friend is going to treat you tonight?” I, for sure, would not make the decision for her. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 Number 1. "Last time you stayed at Jane's house, you came home and said xyz happened. Do you have a plan in case that happens again?" 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alisoncooks Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 I'd also be inclined to do something like: if she has another bad experience, have her write herself ("Dear Future Me") a quick note about what happened and how she feels. Then mom can hold onto it until it's needed next time. (Maybe that's weird...but my tween mostly thinks she knows better than me, anyway. Maybe she's listen to a warning from herself.) ? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 Long term answer: Read the book, Queen Bees and Wannabe's, and have your daughter read it, too. Short term answer: I'd lean toward Option #1. But I'd also remind her that if her "friend" and the other guests decide to act cliquish and treat her badly, it reflects on them, not on her. And, I'd tell her to text me any time if she wants me to come get her. I might even work out a plan that she could text me, and I'd turn around and call her to tell her that "something has come up, and I need her to come home now." That would allow her to get out of the situation without raising a stink. 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 I would probably say, "what is it about this visit that makes you believe it will go better than the last one?" Maybe the mix of people will be better or something. We might discuss ideas for her to try to head off problems if it starts going downhill. Also a plan for how she can get "rescued" if it becomes intolerable. Then I would leave it up to her. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monica_in_Switzerland Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 It would depend. How much "emotional clean up" was required after the sleepover? If dd was devastated, felt betrayed, if it lowered her self-confidence or if she had a fragile sense of self-confidence to being with... I'd probably steer towards 2. If she was more just angry and annoyed (and yes, a little hurt but not damaged), I'd go with 1. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom@shiloh Posted September 22, 2018 Author Share Posted September 22, 2018 Thanks for your replies. Lots of good advice. Some more rudeness and backstabbing popped up with the same girl, so this will definitely seque into discussing healthy relationships, and dd has chosen to limit contact. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL2.0 Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 Young teen? #1. But also tell her you will come pick her up if she texts that she " has a stomach ache " which can be your code for " get me outta here". She can that way save face with " friend" . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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