Would this bug you--Xmas dinner question

[Guest]

It does not bother me, but I can see where reasonable people could find this bothersome.

 

There was one party I hosted where a guest brought a huge bunch of grilled shrimp (they live on the water and can shrimp themselves). They envisioned it as a contributory appetizer. That did, honestly, bug me some because it was a LOT of food before the meal and I was worried people would not even be interested in the *meal*.

 

But for someone to just show up with a Pasta Salad or a tray of Petite Fours? Nope, not bothered.

 

P.S. I do wish people would stop bringing a bottle of wine. I have a bunch to “declutter†that I don’t want to drink. People are always bringing reds, which I don’t care for.

[Ellie]

No. If it was buffet style, then I'd think it was perfectly normal for guests to bring a food contribution or a gift, even if I said it wasn't necessary. It's what thoughtful guests do. I'd particularly do it if I knew the host was catering for a lot of people, because I know it's expensive and time consuming to feed large numbers. :).

 

I struggle to understand why a host would find it particularly annoying, unless they are an ultra-planner who needs to control everything, or sees food contributions as an insult to their own food. (?) IMO, better to receive something to eat than a useless gift that will just create clutter. If it's an issue I'd suggest directing guests towards a list of items they *can* bring, if they want. Drinks are always a good option, and they won't go to waste if not consumed during the evening:)

 

I must not be a thoughtful guest. If I'm invited to a dinner party, it would not occur to me to mess with the hostess's menu by bringing food on my own. I would assume that she would not have invited me and the other guests if she could not afford it or was not able to spend the time making the meal. And I don't agree that someone is an "ultra-planner who needs to control everything" or that she sees "food contributions" as an "insult" to her own food if she doesn't want her guests bringing food. Because we are *guests*. Guests don't participate in putting on the meal. 

[OneStepAtATime]

I think the different views being posted on this thread show there are a lot of differences in culture and specifically food culture. I would give my guests the benefit of the doubt and assume that whatever seeming rude offense they are guilty of is based on a difference in food culture, not deliberately being rude.

 

FWIW for those who think it clearly horrifically rude if someone is bringing food when the host said they didn't need to, my dad was taught in the community he grew up in to say that extra dishes were not needed so the guest would not feel obligated but if they chose to bring something anyway that was great, more food to share and commune over. Therefore if a host declined the offer of food it would be assumed they were doing so because they didn't want the guest to feel obligated but bringing a dish would be fine. If the host genuinely did not want anyone to bring anything it would need to be very explicitly stated that outside food would not be welcome in any way, shape or form.

 

It's a difference in perspective. Are some guests really rude? Yeah. But I bet most "rude" moments are a simple mismatch in "guest/host" culture and expectations.

[gardenmom5]

I would assume they are trying to be helpful. (and wanting to "not put you out" by requiring you to do all your preparations alone.  I know it's not logical - but I think that's a common source of the issue.)

 

 

[kewb]

No, it wouldn't bother me. Would I have a moment of annoyance that it didn't fit in with my carefully planned menu? Probably.

Edited December 20, 2017 by kewb

[marbel]

So my original thought is no, I have no idea why I would care.

 

That said, our culture isn't anything like what I'm seeing described in a lot of posts.  We don't ever have 'dinner parties' to speak of.  

 

We have two things:

 

1. Inviting someone over for dinner would maybe be one other family, usually.  Unless it's going to be outside.  Generally someone asks, 'Can I bring something?' and the answer is sure - grab a salad, some bread, some drinks, whatever fits.  On very rare occasions - I think only when I was cooking dinner for my ILs for one of their birthdays - do we provide absolutely everything.  At the same time, though, I don't necessarily expect anyone to go out and get stuff for it if it's just one other family coming over - I just offer something for them to bring that we won't have already that wouldn't be a big deal either way.

 

2. I guess it's what people call 'potluck'?  Which I guess is pretty much what the above ends up being, too?  Anyway, generally we get together with people to get together.  Christmas with family is on Christmas Day and everyone brings food.  I've never in my life seen holidays or any other get togethers work any differently.  I'm not trying to be snarky - I'm totally serious.  Both DH and my FOO have always done things this way; it just literally applies to everyone we know lol, not just family.

 

I guess things work 3 different ways in my life or "food culture" or whatever:

 

1. We invite people over; we plan the food and provide it, and when people ask what they can bring, we tell them not to bring anything. Most of the time they don't bring anything (or will bring something as a hostess gift, not part of the meal).

 

2. We invite people over, we plan the food and are ready to provide it all.  If people ask what they can bring, we'll suggest something so they feel better not coming empty-handed.

 

3. We invite people over for a pot-luck type meal, where everyone brings something.  It's not really a pot-luck because guidance is given - X brings a salad, P brings dessert, J brings drinks.  

 

In my observation in the US (places I've lived, anyway), #3 seems to be the most common.  It is very rare for me to get a dinner invitation that doesn't include my bringing food.  Which is fine, mostly, but I do miss the days (faint memories of my seeing how things worked when my mom had people over) when the hosts provided the food, and in turn people reciprocated with their own invitations at another time.  Honestly, there are times when I want to turn down dinner invitations because I simply don't want to have to deal with food to take. I never get assigned bread or anything else equally easy, for some reason.  :-)  

[Xahm]

Usually it doesn't bother me too much any direction because I've had so many cross-cultural dinner parties, some of which I've inadvertently been the rude one who received grace from the hosts. I had to stifle a lot of annoyance one time when I was hosting thanksgiving in Russia, and one of my guests decided there was no way I could do it because American women don't cook. She showed up early, brought bags of potato chips, and tried to take over my kitchen, messing up a dish or two. The other guests have her a hard time for her lack of faith in me. That's the only time I've had someone actually be rude, and even that was at least intended to be helpful, even if it was ridiculously insulting.

[stutterfish]

Thanks for all the replies!

I guess I am conflicted. On the one hand--more food=yay!

On the other hand, this is a sit down meal--everyone has a place at a table and I get out my fancy dishes and crystal and silver.

And I plan for a month in advance and start cooking a couple of weeks in advance. I usually way over do it and have tons of leftovers.

I have been specific when they ask telling them to just bring their smiling faces and good appetite and I have everything else covered.

 

Guess I will look at it as a blessing in case something doesn't turn out!

Ah... I see. Well this is a different scenario to what I gathered from your question, and in which case, I can totally understand why extra gifts of food would not be welcome. (I'm not a super-planner like that, so it wasn't a scenario that I could envisage ever happening here! lol :) ).

 

I do think, as others have said, that guests like and want (and need!) to bring something for their host, and will bring something, whatever you say. So, my suggestion is to tell them something they *can* bring, something that is not going to interfere with your plans. It doesn't have to be something for you. Perhaps you could suggest that you don't want or need anything, but if they insist, they could bring a small wrapped present for a homeless charity/women's refuge/children's hospital. Or even a tin of dog food or chews for the local dogs home. ;) Or, if you don't think it's too tacky, do a "secret santa" where everyone brings a small present and has a lucky dip.

Edited December 20, 2017 by stutterfish

[Carol in Cal.]

It wouldn't bother me, but I wouldn't necessarily use whatever was brought as part of the meal either.  I would feel absolutely no obligation to do so.  I'd say, "Thank you!" and stick it in the fridge if it didn't fit with the meal or if for some reason I wanted to keep it for later.  That goes for wine, too.

[Ellie]

It wouldn't bother me, but I wouldn't necessarily use whatever was brought as part of the meal either.  I would feel absolutely no obligation to do so.  I'd say, "Thank you!" and stick it in the fridge if it didn't fit with the meal or if for some reason I wanted to keep it for later.  That goes for wine, too.

 

This would be Miss Manners' solution.

[KungFuPanda]

I’d let it go and plan to serve it alongside everything else. Since you know in advance it’s coming, you can allocate table space for a serving dish if you want the dishes to match. It doesn’t matter if it all fits in your dish, as long as it’s on the table as an option. If I was planning an abundance of sides, I might drop one and save myself some effort.

 

Hosting people is all about enjoying the company and rolling with their individual quirks.

[Hannah]

For us it depends on how well I know the person - there are some friends with whom we meet regularly, and then we agree to bring something specific.  And I'll rely on that person for the side or the desert if we are hosting, and vice-versa for them.

 

For other guests, I'll ask for drinks for the kids, wine, a cheese for after the meal..  basically a category, with a wide budget range.

 

If we're invited to people we don't know well, I don't offer to bring anything, but we will arrive with wine and flowers.

 

ETA:  If it wasn't agreed up front, and someone brought a side, I'd feel obliged to put it on the table, but it might throw me a bit if I already had something similar prepared.

Edited December 20, 2017 by Hannah

[sassenach]

No, it wouldn't bug me. But I also would never want to be the sole provider of food for a group that large.

[idnib]

Agree with those who say this is heavily cultural. Personally if I were having a sit-down dinner party I would plan everything out and not want extra mains or sides. If it was a more casual potluck, or game night or whatever it would be fine. i'm pretty sure my guests would know the difference.

 

In my culture of origin it would be very insulting to bring over any main or side. People might bring some sweets to enjoy with tea after dinner, or a food gift for the family to eat on their own after the party. But to bring a main or side would be like saying you don't like the host's food or you're worried that can't afford to feed you or don't know how to plan well.

 

The funny thing is that all the people who have immigrated from that nation to the U.S. have picked up the practice of bringing mains and sides to dinners here, even with each other. But put them back in their country of origin and they go back to the way things are done there. Sort of like the way the follow all the driving laws and are careful here but then drive like maniacs when they're home. Social code switching at its finest.  :laugh:

[Seasider]

I would not be pleased.

[Janie Grace]

Yes, it would bug me. A dinner party is very different from a potluck. I have planned and executed a menu with a lot of thought and care. Now I have a random side dish I didn't want as part of the meal, and my choices are to serve it anyway or potentially offend the bringer. Ugh.

 

ETA: A guest should bring wine, flowers, chocolate, or some other hostess gift. Never an unasked-for dish.

Edited December 20, 2017 by Janie Grace