Older teens and chores

[Tree Frog]

Yes, I agree. I don't dictate when they clean their rooms, or their bathroom or do their laundry.

 

There are a few basic things that make a home look tidy even if it is not spotlessly clean. Keep trash out. Beds made. Dirty clothes in hamper. Dirty dishes out of site. Shower curtain shut and sink wipe down and hand towel hung up. Don't leave a disgusting looking toilet even if you don't have time to clean the whole bathroom. If you ( for whatever inexplicable reason) pee on the floor, clean it up. If your chore is to take out the trash don't let it over flow. And don't miss trash day.

 

Seriously aren't these basic housekeeping standards?

 

I've only read the responses to this post, but I lol'd at the bolded. My dh was in college, living in the basement of a house. His landlord wanted to show the apartment, so instead of washing and putting away the dirty dishes when they cleaned up, they put the dirty dishes in the cabinets. They were gross when I found them there. Now, though, dh cleans up after himself much better!

 

My ds is 17. He, too, has the difficult time of putting his breakfast things in the dishwasher. He's very pleasant when I ask him to do things, but sometimes I get tired of asking him. 

 

The OP is not being unreasonable. I like the idea of swift consequences...Too tired in the morning to take care of your dishes? Guess that means you'd rather do everyone's dishes in the evening before bed. No discussion, just a quick explanation that it's his choice. End of conversation. I've found ds responds much better when I take action than when I talk to him. Talking goes in one ear and out the other too often.

[eternalsummer]

What would I actually practically do if I were you: possibly I'd just move the washcloths to the laundry every day, or hang them up, and fix the shower curtain, and put the dishes in the dishwasher.  Right now I work a zillion hours a day and have lots of little kids to look after, so I cannot imagine doing a teenager's work for him, but maybe if I were a SAHM with no job and no littles I'd feel better about it.

 

on the other hand, I might toss the washcloths as I saw them left in a crumple, so eventually there'd just be the one washcloth left.  I might stop doing the dishes except mine and when one of the kids who leaves out dishes went to get my remaining clean bowl for breakfast, I might say hey, that's my bowl, yours are all in a pile on the table.  I might present the shower-curtain-leaver-shut with a bottle of bleach spray every week or so and say have at it, I'll wait outside the door eating cookies until you're done.

 

Hard to say how long it would take me to get from the first reaction to the second, though.

[Joker]

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Edited December 1, 2017 by Joker

[Carrie12345]

I don't believe you're asking too much.  That doesn't mean I think it'll ever get done (to your standards.)

 

I have similar frustrations with two of my teens, and I won't even get into the rest of the kids.  My daughters half-a@@ every chore. E.v.e.r.y. chore.  Yes, it drives me insane.  I am a yeller and a sigher and a huffer and a face-maker, so I spend a lot of time that way.  I don't like it, but I expect to continue yelling, sighing, huffing, and making faces.  I accept that those reactions are ones that I could work on controlling, but choose not to.  That's on me.

 

I could dig my heels in.  I know it's technically within my power to impose my will through severe consequences and overbearing control.  While I do want a clean house, I don't want my kids to have a severe and overbearing parent.

 

For me, the bottom line is that I have pretty amazing kids in almost every way EXCEPT chores.  It drives me bananas to know how awesome they are in all of the important things in life while seeming to be intentionally obtuse in the cleaning department.  But that's also what makes me realize that this is not the hill I want to die on.

 

That said, there are most definitely times when they're told they're not leaving the house until X, Y, or Z is done and done right, or similar such hard lines (with enough notice.)  And then they're the ones with the huffing and faces, but getting it done.  I just don't have the room in my life to do that every. single. day., supervising them like a hawk, messing with my own scheduling needs and our overall family dynamic.

[Rosie_0801]

But it is a big deal to me. Especially when I reminded him before I left the house. I don't want to have to come home and either do it myself if he isn't home or to tell him AGAIN to put his dishes in the dishwasher.

 

At my house, they'd find those dishes sitting on their pillows when they got home and they'd run out of wash cloths because I don't wash anything that isn't in the laundry basket.

[fairfarmhand]

I will say that someone at my house may or may not have started putting apple cores and banana peels on the pillow of the person who began leaving them strewn throughout the house.

 

amazing how quickly that person learned to put their trash away. (This was after repeated warnings that this was going to occur.)

 

Perhaps wet washcloths need to end up in someone’s car or on their pillow???

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Storygirl]

We have younger teens and preteens, but the struggle is real at our house, as well. It's complicated by the fact that more than one individual has executive function / ADHD challenges. I am not naturally neat, so housekeeping is work for me, and to have my work multiplied because the others don't do the simple things...it does cause me stress and make me feel irritated.

 

So I get it. I have an even more disgusting struggle, because one of my teens cannot seem to remember to flush, though we have employed many strategies to work on this issue.

 

Scarlett, can you have your son earn his washcloth? Put all of them in your own room or closet. Presumably you are checking the bath daily, so if you see that the wet washcloth has been properly taken care of, put one new washcloth in the bathroom for the son's next shower. If the washcloth has been left in a pile, he can either reuse it or do without.

 

And repeat as long as needed. I find that having expectations is not enough for my kids. I have to provide structure and solutions and reminders and natural consequences. Which is no fun, but is needed.

 

 

[Storygirl]

Also, would you consider buying a caddy that hangs on the showerhead? Ours has hooks that we hang the washcloths on while they drip dry. It may make it easier for your son to have something in the bathroom that he can use for storing his used washcloth, instead of taking the washcloth out of the room.

 

Where does he take it by the way? The laundry room?

 

And what does he do with his wet towel? Can he hang the wet washcloth with it? When I was growing up, we hung our washcloths on the towel rack with the towel.

 

You may not like coming up with a new system, because it may not make the bathroom look the way that you prefer. But if it solves the problem, it could be worth it. Make the task simpler for the son to accomplish, work with him daily to learn the new system, and after a month (takes 21 days to learn a new habit, supposedly), hopefully you won't have a washcloth problem any more.

 

 

[bolt.]

Where do the clean wash cloths come from?

 

I think I'd make the supply of clean wash cloths disappear when I saw a one left wet/messy. If that happened, would the kid inquire where they went? Do without? Would he be smart enough to get rid of the messy one before asking you for clean ones?

 

(I don't really get it about wash cloths. My family just rub around with a bit of body wash in using our hands. I think we're getting clean?)

[unsinkable]

So many of these responses seem to me to be about tit for tat relationships. You do this bc I do this.

 

That is not my ideal, especially with my closest relationships.

 

In this sense, it would bother me that someone *seems to be* not considering my reasonable needs. Ie, putting the dirty dishes that were just used in the dishwasher.

 

I think it Sadie who said <paraphrasing> she didn't care about the tea bags but her DH did, so she did what he asked.

 

I don't have housekeeping issues. one kid comes in and out like a tornado, and basically does everything that aggravates Scarlett <except the pee part> wet towel, open shower curtain, dirty dishes. Not my issues.

 

But I DO want him to say goodbye when he leaves again. Or if he forgets, text me goodbye when he can safely do so. I have my reasons, and I think it is a simple thing. I want him to do it bc he wants to, because we have a relationship, not bc I do XYZ for him.

 

BC it can be ANYTHING...like tea bags, or shower curtains, or goodbyes. It is about the relationship, not the particular THING, and not bc I'm the provider of the home or whatever.

[Scarlett]

Well I saw ds briefly in the kitchen as he was getting his breakfast. We are doing a lot of rearranging here and the boys desks are in their rooms now. Ds17 likes that part. But he asked me this morning if he can eat at his desk in his room, I said no. He is furious of course. I reminded him he wouldn't be eating breakfast at the house anyway because he insists he is incapable of putting his dishes in the dishwasher. He furiously got a plate out and wanted to argue more with me but I had to leave the house for an errand. When I returned 30 min later the boys were gone. Ds's dishes were in the dishwasher and the washcloth was not left in the shower. So yah for small successes. I texted him and thanked him. The shower curtain was left open though...dss16 was last in shower....Dh called me and told me ds17 came running back in from his car and ran to the bathroom and removed the washcloth. So he left the shower curtain open then.

 

The other issue is pee on the bathroom floor. This just sends me over the edge. It is dss16. No doubt about it. I have had two husbands who never missed the toilet. I have a son that I potty trained and taught to never miss and it has nver been a problem. Suddenly dss16 comes to live here and it is a problem. I have mentioned it to him many times. Once in a hotel room I followed him in to the bathroom and stepped in pee. I came out and was very stern about it. It is disgusting. Not two weeks ago I followed him into their bathroom and there was fresh pee on the floor. I texted him and told him to stop doing that. His dad has talked to him many times and told him if he can't aim then to sit down.

 

I just want to scream.

[Scarlett]

And to bring this full circle my sister had police come to her door last night because her 16 year old dd posted on snap chat that she was going to kill herself and a classmate reported it to police. She was not with my sister......her xh and her share custody one week at a time....and the dd was at her dads. So police went to his house. She told police she wouldn't ever actually do it and that she was just having boyfriend problems.

 

Not for nothing there were two suicide attempts in that school system this week. One at school.

 

So what do I say to my sister? Oh sorry, my ds won't put his dishes in the dishwasher.

 

it just puts things in perspective.

[JudoMom]

Well I saw ds briefly in the kitchen as he was getting his breakfast. We are doing a lot of rearranging here and the boys desks are in their rooms now. Ds17 likes that part. But he asked me this morning if he can eat at his desk in his room, I said no. He is furious of course. I reminded him he wouldn't be eating breakfast at the house anyway because he insists he is incapable of putting his dishes in the dishwasher. He furiously got a plate out and wanted to argue more with me but I had to leave the house for an errand. When I returned 30 min later the boys were gone. Ds's dishes were in the dishwasher and the washcloth was not left in the shower. So yah for small successes. I texted him and thanked him. The shower curtain was left open though...dss16 was last in shower....Dh called me and told me ds17 came running back in from his car and ran to the bathroom and removed the washcloth. So he left the shower curtain open then.

 

The other issue is pee on the bathroom floor. This just sends me over the edge. It is dss16. No doubt about it. I have had two husbands who never missed the toilet. I have a son that I potty trained and taught to never miss and it has nver been a problem. Suddenly dss16 comes to live here and it is a problem. I have mentioned it to him many times. Once in a hotel room I followed him in to the bathroom and stepped in pee. I came out and was very stern about it. It is disgusting. Not two weeks ago I followed him into their bathroom and there was fresh pee on the floor. I texted him and told him to stop doing that. His dad has talked to him many times and told him if he can't aim then to sit down.

 

I just want to scream.

As someone who was encouraging you not to get angry over the chores, I grant you permission to go batsh!t crazy over the pee. Seriously, I'd lose my marbles over that one.

[sassenach]

Here's what I've gathered from your many posts over the years, Scarlett. It sounds like you are a type A and/or J personality. You figure out the best way something should be done and you generally expect it to be done that way. People like you make the world go round. Truly. I really believe that behind any successful anything, there's a person with this trait. 

 

You are right, beds look better made, piles of used washcloths are gross, the bathroom looks nicer when the curtain is drawn, and yes, you pay for that house. Those are all correct.

 

Here's the good news, I think you will get all that in a couple of years when your teen boys move out. In the meantime, you can either let some things go or make yourself and everyone around you miserable. There's no option where they consistently do the chores.

 

The reason why I say that is because I am intimately familiar with the other personality type. The type that does not do those things. I am that type. There's two-fold reason why I think you will only get your wish when they move out. First, they don't see the point. I personally do not see the point of making beds. I don't do it and I don't require it. I think it's a dumb chore and a waste of my time. They might feel the same. Here's the other reason- people like me, especially before full maturation, get a secret satisfaction out of passively resisting people like you. If I've decided something is not worth doing, good luck forcing me to do that. Yeah, I was a joy as a teen.

 

My dh is a total type A neat freak. You can imagine how our early marriage went. Over the years, I've learned to value certain things in order to serve him. He's learned to let some things go. I've become a neater person and he has relaxed his standards. Plus he has a pristine office to escape to.

 

One day, your boys might mature into semi-tidy people, but I wouldn't hold my breath for that to happen now.

 

So does that mean I hold my kids to no standards? No. Here are my personal standards.

 

*Do your own laundry

*NO FOOD OR DRINKS IN YOUR ROOM

*Bring your stuff to your room

*No items on the bathroom counter

 

Occasionally dh gets on them to clean their room.

 

Here's how that plays out.

Laundry requires almost no nagging. They either have clean clothes or they don't. Ds had to wear pajama pants to school the other day because he was out of clean pants. When he got home that afternoon, both dh and I told him to DO HIS LAUNDRY and he did. It's not a perfect system.

 

I lose my crap if I find food or drink in their room. It's my hill to die on and they all know it. There will be consequences. They're remarkably good about not breaking that rule.

 

Almost every day I have to remind someone to bring something to their room. There's no fanfare with this. I ask, they do it. I prefer when they remember on their own, but this is not a big thing. 

 

I bet the bathroom counter issue seems oddly nitpicky based on everything else I've shared. Well, it's a new issue in our home. Their bathroom sink is very small and has a little ledge that goes all around. They've been leaving toothbrushes, floss, etc on the ledge. That was not a huge deal until *something* fell into the toilet and clogged the line, leading to a nice little Christmas plumbing bill. It's become my new hill to die on.

 

Just think, in a few years your house is going to be so tidy. I think that was a real upside to being an empty nester for my mom. She loves her neat and organized house.

[Laura Corin]

For the pee issue, before it becomes all about disobedience, I'd get your husband to take your dss aside and make sure there isn't another issue. It could be technique, anatomy or something else.

[Scarlett]

Here's what I've gathered from your many posts over the years, Scarlett. It sounds like you are a type A and/or J personality. You figure out the best way something should be done and you generally expect it to be done that way. People like you make the world go round. Truly. I really believe that behind any successful anything, there's a person with this trait.

 

You are right, beds look better made, piles of used washcloths are gross, the bathroom looks nicer when the curtain is drawn, and yes, you pay for that house. Those are all correct.

 

Here's the good news, I think you will get all that in a couple of years when your teen boys move out. In the meantime, you can either let some things go or make yourself and everyone around you miserable. There's no option where they consistently do the chores.

 

The reason why I say that is because I am intimately familiar with the other personality type. The type that does not do those things. I am that type. There's two-fold reason why I think you will only get your wish when they move out. First, they don't see the point. I personally do not see the point of making beds. I don't do it and I don't require it. I think it's a dumb chore and a waste of my time. They might feel the same. Here's the other reason- people like me, especially before full maturation, get a secret satisfaction out of passively resisting people like you. If I've decided something is not worth doing, good luck forcing me to do that. Yeah, I was a joy as a teen.

 

My dh is a total type A neat freak. You can imagine how our early marriage went. Over the years, I've learned to value certain things in order to serve him. He's learned to let some things go. I've become a neater person and he has relaxed his standards. Plus he has a pristine office to escape to.

 

One day, your boys might mature into semi-tidy people, but I wouldn't hold my breath for that to happen now.

 

So does that mean I hold my kids to no standards? No. Here are my personal standards.

 

*Do your own laundry

*NO FOOD OR DRINKS IN YOUR ROOM

*Bring your stuff to your room

*No items on the bathroom counter

 

Occasionally dh gets on them to clean their room.

 

Here's how that plays out.

Laundry requires almost no nagging. They either have clean clothes or they don't. Ds had to wear pajama pants to school the other day because he was out of clean pants. When he got home that afternoon, both dh and I told him to DO HIS LAUNDRY and he did. It's not a perfect system.

 

I lose my crap if I find food or drink in their room. It's my hill to die on and they all know it. There will be consequences. They're remarkably good about not breaking that rule.

 

Almost every day I have to remind someone to bring something to their room. There's no fanfare with this. I ask, they do it. I prefer when they remember on their own, but this is not a big thing.

 

I bet the bathroom counter issue seems oddly nitpicky based on everything else I've shared. Well, it's a new issue in our home. Their bathroom sink is very small and has a little ledge that goes all around. They've been leaving toothbrushes, floss, etc on the ledge. That was not a huge deal until *something* fell into the toilet and clogged the line, leading to a nice little Christmas plumbing bill. It's become my new hill to die on.

 

Just think, in a few years your house is going to be so tidy. I think that was a real upside to being an empty nester for my mom. She loves her neat and organized house.

Well I do actually agree with you on all of your reasoning. It has gotten so much worse since the beginning of this year when I began working three full days a week. Before that I just did all of those things or I was here to remind ds. I sat them both down in January and told them things were going to be different with me working more. They started doing their own laundry which does help.....but also stresses me out because I do laundry completely...meaning I never leave a load in process. I wash, dry, fold and put away immediately. So we have had a few wrinkles when I go to do laundry and theirs is in my way. I am trying to chill on that though.

 

I chill on a lot though. That is the thing. So I had a talk with myself and decided on what things are most important to me and are most reasonable and most will help the house run smoothly.

 

i was childless until I was 35 and I kept a spotless house. When ds was born I became a SAHM until this past January......( I did work a very few hours a week for about two years before that) and all the time I was raising ds things went just like I wanted. I still had a very clean and neat house.

 

I don't want to rush my kids out just to have a clean house but I admit I am looking forward to it.

[Scarlett]

For the pee issue, before it becomes all about disobedience, I'd get your husband to take your dss aside and make sure there isn't another issue. It could be technique, anatomy or something else.

They have had that very detailed discussion many times. Ds's is obstinate....saying he isn't dripping....that it is splashing on the rim and slashing out. Which Dh doesn't buy. But told him if he can't keep the pee off the floor for whatever reason then sit down.

[Scarlett]

As someone who was encouraging you not to get angry over the chores, I grant you permission to go batsh!t crazy over the pee. Seriously, I'd lose my marbles over that one.

Thankfully Dh feels the same way as I do about it so he will be dealing with that.

[Laura Corin]

They have had that very detailed discussion many times. Ds's is obstinate....saying he isn't dripping....that it is splashing on the rim and slashing out. Which Dh doesn't buy. But told him if he can't keep the pee off the floor for whatever reason then sit down.

Would it be possible within their relationship for your husband to observe his technique? Husband had to watch one son shower when we couldn't work out why his hair never looked clean. It turned out he had forgotten how to wash his hair.

[Scarlett]

Would it be possible within their relationship for your husband to observe his technique? Husband had to watch one son shower when we couldn't work out why his hair never looked clean. It turned out he had forgotten how to wash his hair.

No. Ds's is too reserved to allow his dad to see him go pee.

 

But trust me Dh has given Ds's detailed lessons on the physics of a pen is and how the pee travels out and where it will run......

 

I refuse to belive a 16 year old boy can't control where he pees.

[Laura Corin]

No. Ds's is too reserved to allow his dad to see him go pee.

 

But trust me Dh has given Ds's detailed lessons on the physics of a pen is and how the pee travels out and where it will run......

 

I refuse to belive a 16 year old boy can't control where he pees.

This is worth consideringhttps://content.dollarshaveclub.com/pee-sometimes-come-angle

[bolt.]

No. Ds's is too reserved to allow his dad to see him go pee.

 

But trust me Dh has given Ds's detailed lessons on the physics of a pen is and how the pee travels out and where it will run......

 

I refuse to belive a 16 year old boy can't control where he pees.

I think trusting him might be a good first step in gaining his cooperation.

 

What would you do, just hypothetically, if you did believe he couldn't control it, and that he was trying his best.

[Scarlett]

I think trusting him might be a good first step in gaining his cooperation.

 

What would you do, just hypothetically, if you did believe he couldn't control it, and that he was trying his best.

The same thing Dh has told him. Sit down. Or if you for some reason drip pre on the floor clean it up.

[bolt.]

The same thing Dh has told him. Sit down. Or if you for some reason drip pre on the floor clean it up.

You seem to have some conceptual crossover between "Things I might do," -- and, "Things other people might do as a part of my plan." This foundational assumption about family systems might be one of the deeper roots of your distress. (It's distressing to continually think of plans that would solve your problems, but depend on other people's co-operation because they exceed the scope of your abilities.)

 

In answer to 'what would *you* do' -- your response listed one thing your DH has done (that you are unlikely to dupucate), and two things your DS could do. Can you really think of no options where you to take actions, say words or exert influence yourself?

Edited December 1, 2017 by bolt.

[Sandwalker]

I will say that someone at my house may or may not have started putting apple cores and banana peels on the pillow of the person who began leaving them strewn throughout the house.

 

amazing how quickly that person learned to put their trash away. (This was after repeated warnings that this was going to occur.)

 

Perhaps wet washcloths need to end up in someone’s car or on their pillow???

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[emoji23]

[Scarlett]

You seem to have some conceptual crossover between "Things I might do," -- and, "Things other people might do as a part of my plan." This foundational assumption about family systems might be one of the deeper roots of your distress. (It's distressing to continually think of plans that would solve your problems, but depend on other people's co-operation because they exceed the scope of your abilities.)

 

In answer to 'what would *you* do' -- your response listed one thing your DH has done (that you are unlikely to dupucate), and two things your DS could do. Can you really think of no options where you to take actions, say words or exert influence yourself?

I have told him many times to stop peeing on the floor. It seems you are trying to make this a little more complicated than it is. 16 year old pees on floor. 16 year fails to clean up pee on floor. What do you think anyone else can to solve that problem?

[Laura Corin]

If it were me (feel free to ignore) I would sit down with him during a non-confrontational moment.  I'd say that I was sorry if I had embarrassed him in the past about his missing the toilet.  That I obviously didn't understand how these things worked, so I'd stop going on about its happening.

 

However, could we talk about what to do about the consequences?  What would make it easier for him to clean up after himself?  Wipes?  Spray? A mini-mop to swish the floor?

 

By asking him to join in the solution, you may get a different attitude.  You say he is quite private - you might need to break through his defensiveness to get him to want to help.

Edited December 1, 2017 by Laura Corin

[almondbutterandjelly]

If you had started with the pee issue, everyone would totally be on your side.  It's quite disgusting.  

 

I have to say that I would be sorely tempted to do very drastic things to eliminate the pee issue as an issue.  Cleaning it up with dss's own clothes for instance, maybe even while he was still wearing them.  It's too disgusting to continue.  Maybe using his pillow case or some beloved something.  That is an issue that should not be tolerated.  No food until he cleans it or some other thing.  Get drastic.

 

 

[Scarlett]

If it were me (feel free to ignore) I would sit down with him during a non-confrontational moment. I'd say that I was sorry if I had embarrassed him in the past about his missing the toilet. That I obviously didn't understand how these things worked, so I'd stop going on about it happening.

 

However, could we talk about what to do about the consequences? What would make it easier for him to clean up after himself? Wipes? Spray, a mini-mop to swish the floor?

 

By asking him to join in the solution, you may get a different attitude. You say he is quite private - you might need to break through his defensiveness to get him to want to help.

We have done all of that. Bought the wipes talked to him privately, ect. Dh has had numerous conversations in private and in kindess about not leaving pee on the floor.

[bolt.]

I have told him many times to stop peeing on the floor. It seems you are trying to make this a little more complicated than it is. 16 year old pees on floor. 16 year fails to clean up pee on floor. What do you think anyone else can to solve that problem?

Well, about the same as any loving family member could help a 5 year old or a 50 year old whose urination was unpredictable and messy: Attention, lectures, reminders, tools, instructions, co-planning, encouragement, supervision (of cleanup, not peeing), affirmations for improvement, mild but irritating consequences for lapses, more tools, handier tools, more appealing tools, more instructions, more supervision, more irritating reminders...

 

I'm not sure why you don't think you can do anything? (I think it's more that you are so irritated that you have a problem that shouldn't exist, so you have concluded that you shouldn't have to do anything.)

[bolt.]

Maybe send photos to his cell phone with a hashtags like #notmypee and #puddleproblems. Maybe follow it with a photo of his spray and paper towels waiting for him when he gets home.

 

That sort of intrusion seems like it would be just enough to irritate him into beginning to buy into his clean up duties.

[Scarlett]

Well, about the same as any loving family member could help a 5 year old or a 50 year old whose urination was unpredictable and messy: Attention, lectures, reminders, tools, instructions, co-planning, encouragement, supervision (of cleanup, not peeing), affirmations for improvement, mild but irritating consequences for lapses, more tools, handier tools, more appealing tools, more instructions, more supervision, more irritating reminders...

 

I'm not sure why you don't think you can do anything? (I think it's more that you are so irritated that you have a problem that shouldn't exist, so you have concluded that you shouldn't have to do anything.)

You are right that I am irritated. Disgusted actually. And I believe this problem should not exist. And I absolutely do not believe I need to do anything else. He is not 5 or 90 and he is NT. I don't know why anyone thinks he needs ongoing reminders about where he pees and to clean up accidents.

 

Good grief. Sometimes I feel like I am living in an alternate universe.

[Scarlett]

Maybe send photos to his cell phone with a hashtags like #notmypee and #puddleproblems. Maybe follow it with a photo of his spray and paper towels waiting for him when he gets home.

 

That sort of intrusion seems like it would be just enough to irritate him into beginning to buy into his clean up duties.

I tried to take a pic to send to Dh this morning but the color of the tile makes it difficult to see in a photo.

[mom2scouts]

I have the same struggles with my teen, but if it gives you any hope, most of them do grow up and mature eventually. One of my sons was the biggest slob ever, fought with dh constantly, had horrible grades despite being highly gifted, and gave me a hard time about doing chores. When he moved into an apartment with a group of other guys, he became the most responsible guy there! He did most of the cleaning and cooking, made sure the other guys got up in time for work, even drove one of them to work until he later insisted the guy get a license. He called them his "man-children" and apologized for his behavior as a teen. He's now working full time, working on a master's degree, getting straight A's, inviting dh to golf and do fun things with him, and keeping his apartment really nice. It's really frustrating, but just keep on doing what you need to do and you'll probably see the payoff someday.

[Laura Corin]

Can I suggest a way of reframing the whole issue (not just the pee).  Teenagers are children and adults.  Bits of them and some of the time.  My boys chafed at childish restrictions that they actually still needed.  They tuned me out and forgot tasks that were less interesting than whatever interior monologue they had going on.  They were not the obedient children they had been, nor were they the considerate adults that they would be in the future.

 

I chose to remind them gently about forgetting to hang up their towels, tidy their plates away, put their clothes to wash.....  I bided my time.

[bolt.]

You are right that I am irritated. Disgusted actually. And I believe this problem should not exist. And I absolutely do not believe I need to do anything else. He is not 5 or 90 and he is NT. I don't know why anyone thinks he needs ongoing reminders about where he pees and to clean up accidents.

 

Good grief. Sometimes I feel like I am living in an alternate universe.

We think he needs reminders because you have clearly told us that without reminders he does not successfully accomplish the task. We are only taking your word for it.

 

Just because he is NT does not mean he is urinarily typical. Also, NT teens frequently forget chores -- especially distasteful chores. They are not miniature adults; they are still undergoing massive neurological development. They are by definition incomplete, which is exactly what you are describing. NT teens forget tasks somewhat more than NT adults, and we, I think, also forget our chores from time to time.

 

What you are saying seems to be, "My child clearly needs me to parent him past this obstacle in his life as he develops personal standards and executive function for his future adult life, but I don't feel like it: because pee." He's not too old to need parenting. It's not unreasonable that he finds that he is unsuccessful in some areas of life without various support measures from your end. He needs more than a roommate.

 

(Or, possibly, "...because step." Perhaps you natural children never needed this particular help with this particular bodily function, and you blame his previous family for not dealing with this very well when he was little. It must be very frustrating to be saddled with dozens of issues that he might not have grown so difficult to deal with if he had been raised by you from the start. If this sounds possible, if might be worth some introspection. If it sounds like I'm attacking you and calling you an 'evil stepmother' -- I'm not, but don't worry about it. Not all step parents struggle on this front, but many do.)

[Laura Corin]

 

 

No. NT 16 year olds do not need their hands held to that extent.

 

Maybe I have unusually dippy children.  Their ability to hold ordinary life in their heads seemed largely absent from about age 13 to 16, despite the amount of school stuff they managed to cram.

[Scarlett]

NT 16yr olds should not need reminding about constant pee on the floor.

 

If NT 16yr old has some weird but real issue that does not enable him to aim, or get to the loo on time, he is way, way, way old enough and capable enough to clean it up!

 

Honestly, Scarlett, I think I'm joining you in the alternate universe. It could be parental burnout, but this kind of stuff - pee on the FLOOR! Left for your step mom to deal with ?!!

 

No. NT 16 year olds do not need their hands held to that extent.

Thank you. I cleaned it up day bcause Ds's has gone to his moms for the weekend and I didn't think ds wanted to step in it all weekend. If he is home though I tell Dh and he makes him go clean it up.

[Scarlett]

Honestly, Scarlett, I don't even do discipline, but I reckon if I was you I'd treat the boys like the immature children they are being, and take away teen privileges till they can clean up their own pee, their own dishes, make their darn beds and hang out their washcloths. I am very irritated on your behalf :)

Thank you! Ds was very agreeable today when he was home with me between school and work. I made him a pizza and he took his plate to the sink ( without asking) and while he was cleaning some stuff for me ( I am doing a big reorganize) I put his plate in the dishwasher.

 

I don't know what Dh said to Ds's today. I am seriously at the point of telling Ds's he needs to go outside to Pee!!! But I will let Dh handle it.

[Laura Corin]

 

Scarlett's dss' and ds are not only 'forgetting', they are giving her gyp when she asks or reminds. 

 

I agree with you that they shouldn't be talking back.  I would usually ask for a 'do over' in those cases - they could think again about what they should have said and I'd forget the first version.  I tried not to escalate things when they got snappy because there is no one so easy to back into a vicious corner as a teenager.

Edited December 1, 2017 by Laura Corin

[Scarlett]

We think he needs reminders because you have clearly told us that without reminders he does not successfully accomplish the task. We are only taking your word for it.

 

Just because he is NT does not mean he is urinarily typical. Also, NT teens frequently forget chores -- especially distasteful chores. They are not miniature adults; they are still undergoing massive neurological development. They are by definition incomplete, which is exactly what you are describing. NT teens forget tasks somewhat more than NT adults, and we, I think, also forget our chores from time to time.

 

What you are saying seems to be, "My child clearly needs me to parent him past this obstacle in his life as he develops personal standards and executive function for his future adult life, but I don't feel like it: because pee." He's not too old to need parenting. It's not unreasonable that he finds that he is unsuccessful in some areas of life without various support measures from your end. He needs more than a roommate.

 

(Or, possibly, "...because step." Perhaps you natural children never needed this particular help with this particular bodily function, and you blame his previous family for not dealing with this very well when he was little. It must be very frustrating to be saddled with dozens of issues that he might not have grown so difficult to deal with if he had been raised by you from the start. If this sounds possible, if might be worth some introspection. If it sounds like I'm attacking you and calling you an 'evil stepmother' -- I'm not, but don't worry about it. Not all step parents struggle on this front, but many do.)

Yesterday I felt like the most evil step mother ever. I managed to hide out in my room all afternoon and evening and not say anything I might regret to Dss.

 

Dss's parents divorced when he was 7. And there was a year or two before that of chaos as xw was running around and cheating on dh. Then she moved the boys in with a man for a year and a half before she finally married him. That house has carpet in the bathroom. Sooooo not so easy to spot kids peeing on the floor. Gross. His mom and step dad just moved and no more carpet in the bathroom...and he lives with us now. So yes I believe for much of his formative years no one was instructing him on how to not pee on the floor.

 

Still. And yet. He is 16. And we have spent a year trying to get him to correct this horrible lapse in personal hygiene and social reaponsibility.

[Laura Corin]

Feel free not to answer this, but how does he feel about you? For reference, I am a stepchild.

Edited December 1, 2017 by Laura Corin

[Scarlett]

In good news ds got accepted to the technical institute . And if he stays focused for a few more months he should graduate with a 3.95 GPA.

[Scarlett]

Feel free not to answer this, but how does he feel about you? For reference, I am a stepchild.

I think he likes me fine. I am a very strong no nonsense personality...and he is normally pretty quiet. But he talks to me a lot and normally he is fine with me.