msjones Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Our friends have a little son who is 3. He is expected to die from cancer any time now. (Within the next day or so...there is another current thread about little Ben on these boards.) Our boys are 7 and 9 and are so sad. We had a good, good talk today, but there were a few questions I couldn't answer, and don't know who to ask. When a person dies, what is done with/to their body? I mean right after the death. This little boy will be at home. So, what are the next steps? When is the body taken 'away?' (It's so hard to even write that question about little Ben's body, let alone try to answer it for my sweet boys.) I know nothing about this and neither does my husband, and my son seemed to need to have these questions answered. We are Christians, so they are reassured about Ben's spirit being in Heaven, but have all these questions about the body and the burial. Can anyone help me out? msjones Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 {{{many hugs and prayers for all involved}}} I can't answer your questions. I am guessing the ME has to come out, pronounce the child dead and the funeral home (I assume pre-arranged) will come out to take the body to be prepared for services. I am so very humbled and impressed by your handling of this for yourself and with your children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 My dh, who works with dying people daily, says that if they are receiving hospice help (the nurses come out to the home) then the hospice nurses will notify the funeral home to come and get the body. Then the funeral home will follow the directions of the parents for what kind of service they want and if it will be a burial or cremation. If there is a viewing they will wash and dress the body. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 My dh, who works with dying people daily, says that if they are receiving hospice help (the nurses come out to the home) then the hospice nurses will notify the funeral home to come and get the body. Then the funeral home will follow the directions of the parents for what kind of service they want and if it will be a burial or cremation. If there is a viewing they will wash and dress the body. For the concrete young, the funeral home people wrap the body (for my mother they had a very pretty quilt) and take it out on a stretcher into an unmarked van. The hospice nurse will also call the doctor to notify. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 after his death? It is partly a decision the family makes, with their hospice workers and the funeral home, but no more than a very few hours, normally. I agree with Kalanmak, that the funeral home people will usually respectfully transport the body. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 For a 7 and 9 year old I would ask them why they needed to know...sometimes the why's help guide your answer. Tell them you will do the best to answer them but if any part of the answer you feel will lead them to more "pain" then turn it around into a comparative answer....have they ever found a dead bird or lost a pet? Sometimes, we think we want the answer of what happens to the body but then for that age it opens up a whole new frailty within them of how disposable "they" can be. Their world is all about life right now...I would not focus on the disposal process as much as I would on the celebration of his life and moments they did have that were precious....I think it's a very important lesson for all to focus on in times like these. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
msjones Posted November 4, 2008 Author Share Posted November 4, 2008 That's part of his question -- who takes 'Ben' away? And how? The idea of a stranger taking his body away is bothering him (and me, honestly). He wonders how soon they come for the body. Does anyone know? I think it must be soon after the death, but don't know what 'soon' really means. He also wonders where the body goes to 'wait' for burial. I believe the body is stored in some kind of refrigerator....is that right? That sounds so awful...I guess I could just say they keep the body cool... Amazing that a 39 year old woman doesn't know these things... I did have a brother die, and several older relatives, but have never been directly involved. I'm going to be having 4 of his older cousins over here while their mom visits w/Ben and his parents today, and know there will be many more questions. Thanks for any info you may have. msjones Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeacherZee Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 That's part of his question -- who takes 'Ben' away? And how? The idea of a stranger taking his body away is bothering him (and me, honestly). He wonders how soon they come for the body. Does anyone know? I think it must be soon after the death, but don't know what 'soon' really means. He also wonders where the body goes to 'wait' for burial. I believe the body is stored in some kind of refrigerator....is that right? That sounds so awful...I guess I could just say they keep the body cool... Amazing that a 39 year old woman doesn't know these things... I did have a brother die, and several older relatives, but have never been directly involved. I'm going to be having 4 of his older cousins over here while their mom visits w/Ben and his parents today, and know there will be many more questions. Thanks for any info you may have. msjones I don't know how it will work where you are BUT my mum is a palliative care nurse and she told me about a patient of hers who died just the other weekend. My mum was there. It was an older woman but I think it still applies especially if he is at home. They will come when the family is ready for them to come. With my mothers patient they didn't come until the following morning because the family wanted to come back and say good bye. My mum said that it was beautiful. They had candles and flowers all around and several family members where there when she passed away. They sat around for several hours just saying good bye and talking about her life. I know that the funeral homes that my mother works with are very respectful of the bodies and although they do not know the deceased they take very good care of them. I think you can assure your sons that although they do not know the boy they care deeply for those who are left behind and for those who died and take great pride in providing for people at this awful time. My thoughts are with you, your family and most specially with your friends :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 I know this has to be incredibly hard, but I really want to applaud your desire/willingness to try to address your child(ren)'s questions honestly. I think that having these answers helps all of us come to terms with the temporary nature of our physical selves, even though there is still a great deal of pain in the loss. Here's a site that I thought did a nice job of describing the actual process of what happens to the body without overlooking the grief and separation that will be involved. Maybe some of this will help you. Peace, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 That's part of his question -- who takes 'Ben' away? And how? The idea of a stranger taking his body away is bothering him (and me, honestly). The funeral home will pick him up. Depending on how much contact the family has had with the funeral home it may not be a total stranger picking him up. He wonders how soon they come for the body. Does anyone know? I think it must be soon after the death, but don't know what 'soon' really means. That will depend on the family. Some families will want a period to say goodbye. Some will want him picked up immediately. He also wonders where the body goes to 'wait' for burial. I believe the body is stored in some kind of refrigerator....is that right? That sounds so awful...I guess I could just say they keep the body cool... The body will be taken to the funeral home and embalmed pretty quickly. If the body is the only one to be embalmed it will happen fairly soon. After embalming the body will be put into the coffin. If there is to be a viewing then the casket will be open and waiting in the reception room. There may be a reception with a closed casket depending on the family's wishes. Amazing that a 39 year old woman doesn't know these things... I did have a brother die, and several older relatives, but have never been directly involved. That is okay. I wish I didn't know how a lot of the process is done. I'm going to be having 4 of his older cousins over here while their mom visits w/Ben and his parents today, and know there will be many more questions. You don't want to tell the kids how a body is embalmed. Leave it at you don't know the process. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 My son would give a wonderful description of dying and heaven and Jesus but he would still want to know about the body in a concrete boy way. I think the advice to find out what they really want to know is good. It is my experience with hospice that the family spends all the time they want with the loved one before the funeral home comes and respectfully takes the body away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
msjones Posted November 4, 2008 Author Share Posted November 4, 2008 Thank you, all. Doran, great site. I may even let my older son read it if he wants to. You're right that the tone is very gentle but informative at the same time. We start our school day in 5 or 10 minutes, and I'm pretty sure this will come up right away. Or, maybe not. Either way, I feel much more prepared having read your replies. By the way, I just heard that Ben made it through the night, is not in pain, and is still able to talk with his parents when awake. I'm glad to know that and my kids will be, too. Many thanks, all. I know I'm brand new around here...I just thought this would be a quick way to get some good info, and I was right. msjones Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 That's part of his question -- who takes 'Ben' away? And how? The idea of a stranger taking his body away is bothering him (and me, honestly). He wonders how soon they come for the body. Does anyone know? I think it must be soon after the death, but don't know what 'soon' really means. He also wonders where the body goes to 'wait' for burial. I believe the body is stored in some kind of refrigerator....is that right? That sounds so awful...I guess I could just say they keep the body cool... /quote] They come to the house quickly, and yes, they are in cool storage the body goes to cremation, etc. I call it "the body" because that is all it is. When they came to get my mother they were lovely middle aged or older men, who joked with us and were very sweet. I could tell they "sussed" out the situation (peaceful at home death of a 90 year old in the loving company of two calm, grown children and her cat) and treated it as a happy occasion. I just know they would have been completely different for a young person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 Children have a hard time with the concrete facts of death. My son recently lost his 2nd great grandmother in less than 6 months. He was fine with this as he did not know her well, but then he was horrified when he learned that she was cremated. I would tread lightly explaining the concretes to the kids at this time and focus more on the fact that the soul is gone and the body is just a vessel. Make sure they know that his body feels no pain. I even think it helped my kids to tell them that her soul was looking down on them from heaven because she is in her heavenly body now. I am so sorry for sweet Ben and his family. He has been in my prayers last night and today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ejeanes Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 First of all I will pray for God's mercy for Ben and his grace for his family. All the answers you have gotten about hospice and when the family is done saying goodbye are correct. When Ben is taken away, you might want to explain that it is not Ben anymore. It's just a body, like a car that takes us places when we are in it driving, there is no one driving it anymore. It's tired and broken and Ben has gone on to be with God. His body is not the real Ben anymore. They will take it when the family has said it's goodbyes and held him and loved him for as long as they'd like. The family will know when that time is and will let hospice know when they need someone to come for him. They can wrap the body in his favorite blankie. They will bring in a stretcher to put him on and carry him out in a very respectful way to bring him to the funeral parlor. There they will prepare the body or allow a family member in to wash him if they wish to do so. The process is difficult for a concrete thinking child to wrap their minds around. They must first understand that none of this upsets Ben because he has left his body behind. It's just so very hard for everyone else. We have suffered loss in my family. I have told my children that God never made us to die. We were supposed to live forever and not ever say goodbye and that is what makes death so very hard. It's wrong. I'm not sure what your beliefs are but that is what the bible tells us. Our hope and comfort come from the promise of eternal life. Ben will be in heaven, he will be home and will not die again but live forever, the way God designed us to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 (edited) :glare: Edited July 13, 2010 by GVA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1bassoon Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 When Ben is taken away, you might want to explain that it is not Ben anymore. It's just a body, like a car that takes us places when we are in it driving, there is no one driving it anymore. It's tired and broken and Ben has gone on to be with God. His body is not the real Ben anymore. That is a good image for young children. I'm going to store that away to help my littlest when my grandma passes - which should be sooner rather than later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 A really good way to explain the whole thing to young children is to put a glove on your hand and show them how the glove can move and "play" and "jump" with your hand in it. Then take the glove off and leave it lying on the floor....clearly not moving. Then show the children how your hand (their spirit body) is still moving and playing and jumping....and happy....just like Ben will be in his spirit body. Then point out how the glove is lifeless without the spirit or soul (or whatever word you're comfortable with) inside of it. The only thing that made the body (the glove) alive was its spirit (your hand) and that the spirit is still alive and happy even without the body. This helped my kids to understand exactly what death meant and that the body feels no pain and can't be sad or lonely when the spirit is gone. I think that might be what your kids are concerned about....that Ben will be taken away from his family and he will be sad, scared or lonely. That's such a hard concept for children to grasp....that the body is not really the person inside of it. Prayers for Ben's family and all who love him. Diane W. married for 22 years homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 This is a thread from 2008. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 I just cried for a 2 year old thread? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Josie Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 This is such a rough situation. You will find the words you need to explain all of this to your children. YOu have received some great advice here. Peace and love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessedfamily Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 This is a thread from 2008. Glad you pointed that out. It was tough to read. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 (edited) never mind. Edited July 13, 2010 by Denisemomof4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 I just cried for a 2 year old thread? WHY would someone do that??!!! Seriously! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 (edited) Never mind, just realized this is a really old thread. Edited July 13, 2010 by TechWife Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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